suicide

tbh i strive to deal with stress in the most dumb and irrational ways, it's working p well and i recommend it.

just so everyone knows, and i know that i've said this a lot over the past week. i am so deeply appreciative of the outpouring of support that i have received from folks here. i have decided to not wallow (too much anyway) in my troubles, so unless i am *REALLY* about ready to pull the trigger i'll keep my postings on this thread to a bare minimum. it's going to be very tough, i don't know what lies ahead for me and frankly it scares the shit out of me for a number of reasons. i may stumble and things may not work as quickly as i'd like. but i want to move forward and put this bad shit behind me.

i understand that i may be pushing some folks to the ends of their tethers myself now -- please know that i don't want to do that. part of my way of coping is talking -- or writing about it here and elsewhere. all i ask is that folks let me know if i ever overstep my bounds -- the last thing i need right now is to piss off anyone whose support i may need at some point.

God bless you all.

so unless i am *REALLY* about ready to pull the trigger i'll keep my postings on this thread to a bare minimum.

sban u for this. why let it be a last measure thing, if it helps?

as i said, darragh, i don't want to wear out my welcome. and i want to get better, not end it all. that's all i meant.

:) i didn't really suggest ban you, just fyi

understand that i may be pushing some folks to the ends of their tethers myself now

That's common in depressed people who are talking about their problems, and it's wrong. The people who are bored or irritated with you can avoid this thread, so post here as much as you want. We'll listen to you.

hi Tad! hope it keeps getting better.

i should come here more often too i guess, because it gets pretty lonely where i'm living now. i've totally lost track of all the new usernames though. is there still a hidden board? (i've been gone a good while)

thanks Kim -- it's great to see you here again! it has been a long time (in chickenbear years especially). and it is hard to keep track of the new usernames and people around here these days.

one thing that's kept me going has been talking (here and elsewhere). my AIM tag is TadEisbaer, so anyone who wants to can text me.

And so, I go forward. I don't know where it will all end up, and I am still more than a little frightened. But I am determined to do what I can to lick this thing, following all good advice provided by people and determined to not give in to any bad thoughts that I may have. I write this here because I don't know where else to put it on ILX, and because I know that it isn't over. I've said this all a zillion times to everyone here (and offline), but you have been such a source of strength and comfort right now. I can never really repay any of you for your support and good will, but I hope that a recovery will be at least a down payment.

Survival is the best revenge, and the best repayment -- you don't save someone's life so they can be grateful to you, you do it so that they have a LIFE to live. Every day that the sun comes up and they're still here is worth the whole debt.

oh dude, I hadn't checked my email; sorry!

It's OK, Dan. No worries :-)

i'm rooting for you, tad. you're going to be fine.

cosign Daniel's post

thanks for the votes of confidence, Daniel and ksh. it may be a bumpy ride, but i want to make it.

I can't see you not making it, really.

thanks Abbott!

i am writing here to let everyone know that i am feeling so much better now than i felt several weeks ago. i really hope that i am not jinxing myself by posting this, but right now things appear to be going in a much better direction for me. i have no idea how everything will play out ultimately, but then again that's life in general isn't it? i know that i will have some bad days, quite likely in the very near future, but at least for now there's enough positivity that i am at least a bit more optimistic than i was in the not-so-distant future.

from the very bottom of my heart, i would like to thank everyone who reached out to me (here and privately) over the past few weeks. i deeply appreciate that you have taken time out of your busy lives to help me out when i needed it most, and it has given me strength these days. as i have said over and over again, i really hope that i am in a position to return the favor should it ever come to that for everyone who's helped me during these trying times.

:)

:) glad to hear it

awesome, Eisbaer! glad to hear it & good on you for being so strong :-D

That's really, really great to hear Eisbaer. :)

get some ice cream, you earned it tbh

^w/ sprinkles

ben & jerry's is the way to go imo

nothing can remind you how awesome life is better than ice cream

Glad to see good tidings, Eisbaer -- your kung fu is strong.

I'm glad things are getting better for you.

That's sooooo great to hear Eis!

Im so pleased for you Tad <3

Right on, buddy!

good shit, man

What they all said.

\m/TAD\m/

Awesomest thread revive. Hail eisbaer.

rawk dude!

That's very nice to hear, keep on truckin' Tad!

Quite wonderful to hear!

Things have been getting much worse lately and I don't know how I'm going to be able to handle it. None of the stupid bullshit I've kept myself distracted with for years is working anymore and every time I try explaining things to a therapist or my family I get either "cheer up, you're doing fine" or another prescription for antidepressants that don't do anything except make me gain weight and feel even shittier about how badly I've fucked up myself and my life.

Oh man, TT, that is really shitty. I wish I had some solid advice to offer you, but I don't really. You are free to webmail me, though, if you need a sympathetic stranger to vent to.

I think a lot of us have been there and done that, as can be evidenced all over this, and other, threads. The fact that we're all still here shows that there is a way through this, even if you can't see what it is right now.

Do you have anywhere you can bike or get outside and walk around? When I got into full-on depressive and anxious states, I learned the hard way that changing your physiology had great effects at improving your psychology, too

"None of the stupid bullshit I've kept myself distracted with for years is working anymore"

theres always other endless amount of distracting stuff to think and do in the world (and thank god for that).

sorry TT. feel ya on the uselessness of trying to explain it to family and friends

cheers on TRYING to explain it to family and friends. i think that shows a lot of courage that most people don't have.

^definitely

i am sorry to hear that, TT. and i know that, after a while, all of the "cheer up you're fine" or "you're going to be fine" talk seems pointless. (dunno about prescription drugs, though -- i have a deadly fear of them). at the risk of adding more pointless talk on top of what you've already gotten, keep in mind that those saying these things mean well -- and may not have anything more helpful than that to tell you. really, best thing (as i'm finding out) is to find people who DO have something more useful and less generic ... and their schedules permitting, talk to them however you can.

today was NOT a good day for me, FWIW and to say the very least. won't get into reasons here (an ILXor knows the reasons) ... but i didn't (seriously) consider offing myself. considering where i was emotionally not all that long ago, that is a sort of progress.

i don't really know your bg but i've found that religion/spirituality/cosmos can be a very useful tool. sometimes being able to connect with something bigger than yourself can help put your suffering into perspective

that being said, my heart goes out to you and i hope things start looking up for ya

i know you'll be fine, tad.