suicide

i'm not much of a cheerleader type, but just want to say that lots of people are thinking of you.

i know -- and that helps.

mornings are the toughest time for me, for whatever reason.

fear of paperboys?

no, it "brings me back to this awful place" (to quote that Clash song).

i just like having someone to talk to -- i know that's not always practical, that people work etc. but it is what's been getting me through this.

is there something you can occupy yourself with, like maybe reading a book you really like! or listening to your favorite record that makes you feel better, until more people wake up? just an idea, good sir!

"until more people wake up" being "until more of the ppl you know irl wake up"

(not that ilxors aren't here, obviously, but ilxors aren't a replacement for irl ppl imo)

i try to keep busy, and yes i listen to music.

the day all this gets better for you, i think there should be an ilx party to celebrate. World FAP! :-)

i am looking forward to that day ... seriously now.

it will come, dude, and it will be an awesome, awesome day

Indeed. Check your mail, E.

just got it, Ned -- thank you. will respond shortly :-)

i just want to share that late this afternoon, i got some good news about something that had been bugging me a lot. i can't go into it here, but it will relieve some of the financial pressure that i am under. as always, tomorrow is not promised to us and who knows what the future will bring. but for now, i am happy for this bit of good news.

Glad to hear it! Now all you need is the pro se client to suddenly decide to plead guilty and you're set.

srsly, don't mean to make light (except as far as it's helpful), glad you're getting some good news.

haha WmC. i don't want to jinx myself, so i'm going to decline to comment about the pro se client.

good stuff Eisbaer!

Yay E!

(as a sidenote, because of this thread I now know what pro se means. Sort of.)

Hey, that's a big relief, Eisbaer! I'm happy to hear good news came your way.

I'm glad to hear about it.

i'm feeling OK today. i expect that there will be some stress today, but i hope that i can cope with it -- intelligently and rationally.

tbh i strive to deal with stress in the most dumb and irrational ways, it's working p well and i recommend it.

just so everyone knows, and i know that i've said this a lot over the past week. i am so deeply appreciative of the outpouring of support that i have received from folks here. i have decided to not wallow (too much anyway) in my troubles, so unless i am *REALLY* about ready to pull the trigger i'll keep my postings on this thread to a bare minimum. it's going to be very tough, i don't know what lies ahead for me and frankly it scares the shit out of me for a number of reasons. i may stumble and things may not work as quickly as i'd like. but i want to move forward and put this bad shit behind me.

i understand that i may be pushing some folks to the ends of their tethers myself now -- please know that i don't want to do that. part of my way of coping is talking -- or writing about it here and elsewhere. all i ask is that folks let me know if i ever overstep my bounds -- the last thing i need right now is to piss off anyone whose support i may need at some point.

God bless you all.

so unless i am *REALLY* about ready to pull the trigger i'll keep my postings on this thread to a bare minimum.

sban u for this. why let it be a last measure thing, if it helps?

as i said, darragh, i don't want to wear out my welcome. and i want to get better, not end it all. that's all i meant.

:) i didn't really suggest ban you, just fyi

understand that i may be pushing some folks to the ends of their tethers myself now

That's common in depressed people who are talking about their problems, and it's wrong. The people who are bored or irritated with you can avoid this thread, so post here as much as you want. We'll listen to you.

hi Tad! hope it keeps getting better.

i should come here more often too i guess, because it gets pretty lonely where i'm living now. i've totally lost track of all the new usernames though. is there still a hidden board? (i've been gone a good while)

thanks Kim -- it's great to see you here again! it has been a long time (in chickenbear years especially). and it is hard to keep track of the new usernames and people around here these days.

one thing that's kept me going has been talking (here and elsewhere). my AIM tag is TadEisbaer, so anyone who wants to can text me.

And so, I go forward. I don't know where it will all end up, and I am still more than a little frightened. But I am determined to do what I can to lick this thing, following all good advice provided by people and determined to not give in to any bad thoughts that I may have. I write this here because I don't know where else to put it on ILX, and because I know that it isn't over. I've said this all a zillion times to everyone here (and offline), but you have been such a source of strength and comfort right now. I can never really repay any of you for your support and good will, but I hope that a recovery will be at least a down payment.

Survival is the best revenge, and the best repayment -- you don't save someone's life so they can be grateful to you, you do it so that they have a LIFE to live. Every day that the sun comes up and they're still here is worth the whole debt.

oh dude, I hadn't checked my email; sorry!

It's OK, Dan. No worries :-)

i'm rooting for you, tad. you're going to be fine.

cosign Daniel's post

thanks for the votes of confidence, Daniel and ksh. it may be a bumpy ride, but i want to make it.

I can't see you not making it, really.

thanks Abbott!

i am writing here to let everyone know that i am feeling so much better now than i felt several weeks ago. i really hope that i am not jinxing myself by posting this, but right now things appear to be going in a much better direction for me. i have no idea how everything will play out ultimately, but then again that's life in general isn't it? i know that i will have some bad days, quite likely in the very near future, but at least for now there's enough positivity that i am at least a bit more optimistic than i was in the not-so-distant future.

from the very bottom of my heart, i would like to thank everyone who reached out to me (here and privately) over the past few weeks. i deeply appreciate that you have taken time out of your busy lives to help me out when i needed it most, and it has given me strength these days. as i have said over and over again, i really hope that i am in a position to return the favor should it ever come to that for everyone who's helped me during these trying times.

:)

:) glad to hear it

awesome, Eisbaer! glad to hear it & good on you for being so strong :-D

That's really, really great to hear Eisbaer. :)

get some ice cream, you earned it tbh

^w/ sprinkles

ben & jerry's is the way to go imo

nothing can remind you how awesome life is better than ice cream

Glad to see good tidings, Eisbaer -- your kung fu is strong.