I have never had sex.

Oh, and Matt, my 'expounding of grief' line was deliberate innuendo (hence the 'as it were'), so stop taking all the credit!

True story.

True story.

Well, yes, though it's worth noting that, umm ... if you've cooked a meal once, you know better how to shop for the right ingredients next time. You wind up with a better and more comfortable sense of how intimate situations actually lead to sex, and how to navigate those situations better, so they gradually go from fraught and confusing to totally natural. (Haha: e.g. when I was 16 or 17 I had this really "weird" experience hanging out at this woman's house, and then later in life I was making out with someone and suddenly realized that she was very obviously trying to start something, and I was too oblivious to participate because I didn't know the sequence.) (If you doubt my retrospective conclusion let me just note that a book on "sensual massage" was involved.)

xpost = oh, no kissing. Qs:

- you mention courting someone for four months; what do you consider courting?
- what's the extent of your relationships with people you're interested in?
- do you have any regular female friends, like reasonably close ones?
- do you detect a huge difference in the way you relate to female friends and women you're romantically interested in?
- how often do you find yourself spending time alone with a woman, whether on a friendly level or a, umm, courting level?

this explains a lot about you

2) I'm only interested in people if they're single (true story), and if I know them quite well. I'm generally reasonably good friends or at least well acquainted with those I'm genuinely besotted with.

3) Yes. At school and even more so now at university I've always been very outgoing and popular, with no social hang-ups or reservations. I have plenty enough close female friends, most of whom I kinda fancy (and in turn, mostly because I really like them as people).

4) Herein lieth the problem, I suspect. Not as big a difference as there probably should be. Although there are some (those who are attached/outed lesbians) for whom I feel no obligation to make myself extra-attractive.

5) Reasonably often. Normally I just try and get a good chat going, whether it's a woman I like or not.

See, these sort of quibbles just hold you back, dude.

Weirdo.

It's got NOTHING to do with my looks. If I've got one defect it's a teensy bit of extra flab around the waist, but otherwise it really isn't a barrier.

I could, of course, just go out this evening and pull a stranger in our local cattle-market. Should I go and do this, crossing a hurdle but losing some integrity? What if this girl comes home with me and we end up a couple? I'd certainly prefer to begin with someone who would be in a relationship with me.

It's nice and good to think "I'll wait for the right person", but not necessary.

Also, dropping hints in public around girls that you're a virgin might work too. Did for me. Actually I just said "I'm a virgin" and she said "no fucking way" and then a while later I wasn't.

Also, just getting drunk and making out is a good idea. Although pre-sex I did this more with boys than girls.

loneliness drives people crazy but frankly i don't think you have a problem! bright side etc!!

maybe this is self serving advice, cos based on my own fuck-ups i think the solution to 9 out of 10 problems in life is GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AND DO SOMETHING

Shall I post a picture?

But I'm not hectoring you Louis, and I'm not advocating "go to nearest pick up joint and score at any cost" (although why not?). I'm just thinking out loud about the ways we might make life more unpredictable or more adventurous. In short, "fuck a 'standards'".

the new 'poppage'

Also, dropping hints in public around girls that you're a virgin might work too. Did for me. Actually I just said "I'm a virgin" and she said "no fucking way" and then a while later I wasn't.

This nearly worked for me once, but the girl(s) in question (there were two of 'em, one of whom seemed keener) eventually chickened out when I called their bluff.

look on the bright side, you haven't gotten involved in any kind of shitty, regrettable, or unhealthy situations, which is more than a lot of 15, 16, 17 y/o non-virgins can say

This explains why I show a certain deal of pride in trumpeting my own virginity!

I'll be off the internet and out on the mean streets of Cambridge soon anyway. Tonight could be the night...

I've successfully dated a friend whom I'd known for a while, but the reason it worked was because during the time before we dated, we weren't terribly close and she was dating someone else, anyway, so I never considered her as a potential partner, never had time to pine after her, etc. If you're persistently pining after female friends, and unsure of their reciprocity, I think it makes things complicated.

That said, I totally sympathize with your desire for friendship, or at least some kind of connection, to come first. I've only had a couple of relationships since I graduated (I'm nearly 28), and it's mostly because I wasn't really meeting anyone I was interested in on a regular basis. After a while, I began to seize opportunities when they arose (approaching a cute girl at a bar, e.g.) just because I didn't know when the next time I'd have the chance would be. Take advantage of the fact that you're still in school, where interesting girls are everywhere and social situations are easy to create.

The answer of course is you don't. So be prepared (together) for giving people the incentive to stfu about you & the person you care for.

In conclusion: religion fucks you up.

Afterwards I didn't feel as if I'd gone through some life-changing experience, but I did feel a weight lifted from my shoulders and was much more chipper over all. Not just cos of the sex but cos of the romance too. I had, ahem, frolicked, as it were, with a couple of girls before. If they'd been up for it I probably would have gone the whole hog, but can genuinely say I'm glad I didn't cos there was no real connection there other than booze and desperation. I suppose it gave me some, er, work experience, but you learn on the job pretty quickly anyway, and if she's any kind of decent person she'll be understanding.
I'm not saying you should expect fireworks or you have to be madly in love, but it's so much nicer if you at least like each other and feel comfortable.

There's still a part of me that thinks sex is bad and dirty. I think people who think sex is perfectly natural and open and beautiful are the weird ones.