suicide

it isn't raining right now. i think that it did last night/early morning.

I'm going on a bike ride before it rains today. Reports say it'll rain around 5. Hoboken is a great place for a bike ride along the water.

riding yer bike along the streets/sidewalks in Hoboken is taking yer life in yer hands IMHO (not that it stops folks from doing that) -- but yeah, along the waterfront (Sinatra Park et. al.) it is a great thing to do.

Well we wouldn't want to do that ;)

being thrown over a bike's handlebars and having my face become one with either the street or the side of a building has NEVER been a suicide method that i've ever considered even during my darkest moments!

:-)

riding yer bike along the streets/sidewalks in Hoboken is taking yer life in yer hands IMHO (not that it stops folks from doing that) -- but yeah, along the waterfront (Sinatra Park et. al.) it is a great thing to do.

I just did this on streetview, and it looks ace.

Coming to this thread late, but I definitely echo all of the positive sentiments coming from others. You've always been a top notch poster on this board and I'm sure that it's only a taste of what you offer to the IRL. The world has a shortage of good dudes like you so take those nice spring bike rides and get through this however you've got to, because there's plenty of great times ahead. Though it's hard to see it sometimes, there's a lot of people who love you out there and a lot more love you have yet to receive (and give for that matter!)

this was not a good day :-(

i could certainly use some tips on how to cope -- e-mail me privately please?!?

webmailed you

When its really nice out here, walk up to Stevens, and go up next to the President's house just past the dorm that is next to the tennis courts. Usually, there are a few wooden chairs on the hill under some trees in the side yard that have a beautiful view of Manhattan. It is a great place to sit and unwind. An oasis of grass and trees that feels more like a yard in a quiet vacation home (a healthy escape) than a park does, with the best view of the Hudson anywhere.

thanx Abbott and Evan :-)

Above all else if possible, don't be alone. xx

Trayce: can you log onto g-chat? :-)

Eisbaer, I don't really have any tips, but I'm glad you keep popping up on this thread to check in: it is always nice to see you!

I am going to go for a bike ride this afternoon, partly in honour of this thread, and mostly because, you know, it makes me happy. (in fact, when I was really in a bad way, I used to feel guilty about the happiness I felt when I was out on my bike, like it was proof that i wasn't sad 'enough' and just being a drama queen and should shut up and suck it up: if you can avoid this kind of train of thought, I recommend you do so, because, dude, why shouldn't we grab on to all the happiness we can get with both hands).

Tad: god sorry Ive had a bit of a stressy evening of my own :( I'll see if i can in a bit.

xpost Oh yes, the guilt. Been there, still am there in fact and sadly not past it.

Work on an exit plan from the law, not from life. Seriously.

you may be right, Three Word.

i am OK but it's still rough.

i'm not much of a cheerleader type, but just want to say that lots of people are thinking of you.

i know -- and that helps.

mornings are the toughest time for me, for whatever reason.

fear of paperboys?

no, it "brings me back to this awful place" (to quote that Clash song).

i just like having someone to talk to -- i know that's not always practical, that people work etc. but it is what's been getting me through this.

is there something you can occupy yourself with, like maybe reading a book you really like! or listening to your favorite record that makes you feel better, until more people wake up? just an idea, good sir!

"until more people wake up" being "until more of the ppl you know irl wake up"

(not that ilxors aren't here, obviously, but ilxors aren't a replacement for irl ppl imo)

i try to keep busy, and yes i listen to music.

the day all this gets better for you, i think there should be an ilx party to celebrate. World FAP! :-)

i am looking forward to that day ... seriously now.

it will come, dude, and it will be an awesome, awesome day

Indeed. Check your mail, E.

just got it, Ned -- thank you. will respond shortly :-)

i just want to share that late this afternoon, i got some good news about something that had been bugging me a lot. i can't go into it here, but it will relieve some of the financial pressure that i am under. as always, tomorrow is not promised to us and who knows what the future will bring. but for now, i am happy for this bit of good news.

Glad to hear it! Now all you need is the pro se client to suddenly decide to plead guilty and you're set.

srsly, don't mean to make light (except as far as it's helpful), glad you're getting some good news.

haha WmC. i don't want to jinx myself, so i'm going to decline to comment about the pro se client.

good stuff Eisbaer!

Yay E!

(as a sidenote, because of this thread I now know what pro se means. Sort of.)

Hey, that's a big relief, Eisbaer! I'm happy to hear good news came your way.

I'm glad to hear about it.

i'm feeling OK today. i expect that there will be some stress today, but i hope that i can cope with it -- intelligently and rationally.

tbh i strive to deal with stress in the most dumb and irrational ways, it's working p well and i recommend it.

just so everyone knows, and i know that i've said this a lot over the past week. i am so deeply appreciative of the outpouring of support that i have received from folks here. i have decided to not wallow (too much anyway) in my troubles, so unless i am *REALLY* about ready to pull the trigger i'll keep my postings on this thread to a bare minimum. it's going to be very tough, i don't know what lies ahead for me and frankly it scares the shit out of me for a number of reasons. i may stumble and things may not work as quickly as i'd like. but i want to move forward and put this bad shit behind me.

i understand that i may be pushing some folks to the ends of their tethers myself now -- please know that i don't want to do that. part of my way of coping is talking -- or writing about it here and elsewhere. all i ask is that folks let me know if i ever overstep my bounds -- the last thing i need right now is to piss off anyone whose support i may need at some point.

God bless you all.

so unless i am *REALLY* about ready to pull the trigger i'll keep my postings on this thread to a bare minimum.

sban u for this. why let it be a last measure thing, if it helps?

as i said, darragh, i don't want to wear out my welcome. and i want to get better, not end it all. that's all i meant.

:) i didn't really suggest ban you, just fyi

understand that i may be pushing some folks to the ends of their tethers myself now

That's common in depressed people who are talking about their problems, and it's wrong. The people who are bored or irritated with you can avoid this thread, so post here as much as you want. We'll listen to you.

hi Tad! hope it keeps getting better.

i should come here more often too i guess, because it gets pretty lonely where i'm living now. i've totally lost track of all the new usernames though. is there still a hidden board? (i've been gone a good while)

thanks Kim -- it's great to see you here again! it has been a long time (in chickenbear years especially). and it is hard to keep track of the new usernames and people around here these days.

one thing that's kept me going has been talking (here and elsewhere). my AIM tag is TadEisbaer, so anyone who wants to can text me.

And so, I go forward. I don't know where it will all end up, and I am still more than a little frightened. But I am determined to do what I can to lick this thing, following all good advice provided by people and determined to not give in to any bad thoughts that I may have. I write this here because I don't know where else to put it on ILX, and because I know that it isn't over. I've said this all a zillion times to everyone here (and offline), but you have been such a source of strength and comfort right now. I can never really repay any of you for your support and good will, but I hope that a recovery will be at least a down payment.