suicide

E, do you have people who are there for you in real life supporting you through this?

yeah. but i am driving them to their wits' end right now. plus only one have i told at any length about what i am contemplating (b/c he tried to do it to himself so he knows what it's like).

I, for one, would hate to lose you having never met you. Hang in there.

Please don't worry about your peoples' wits right now. If anything, think of it as a wits loan.

God bless you, suzy.

just pray for me, if you do that. that's all i ask now.

Keeping you in my thoughts, sir. Keep all that's been said upthread to heart.

that means a lot to me right now, Ned.

Thinking of you dude, and looking forward to the day when all of this is over for you and the pain is gone.

I need you, Eisebaer. Never having met you is small potatoes compared to the lasting daily pleasure you and so many others here provide. I got you.

I, for one, would hate to lose you having never met you. Hang in there.

I second this.

this is a stupid question maybe but do you play video games & do you have a system at home? that shit can eat up some hours between feeling shitty and feeling less shitty

I guess some people go into a self-loathing thing about "wasting time" after a video game marathon but fuckin' A, it's not wasting time if it makes you feel better imo

Thirded. You're one of the people I want to meet at World FAP.
xpost

I, for one, would hate to lose you having never met you. Hang in there.

I second this.

― ô_o (Nicole), Friday, May 21, 2010 10:34 AM (3 minutes ago) Bookmark

this, and I know this may come off as facetious or w/e, but you are one of the few people on this board who knows what it's like to live in new jersey, also as someone who is considering law school & law in general, I always put my antennas on full blast when I come across your byline on law school threads because you OTM it up

law and NJ are both jealous mistresses.

I think you've found your solution

listen to the Misfits, then sue somebody

(just trying to bring some lol, I am goin to bed now, expect to see you here tomorrow dude)

^^ otm, put on hybrid moments and just try not to smile & jump around, I dare you

seriously, i am really touched by what everyone here is saying. i was reluctant to share all this -- i haven't been here much for the past few years, i haven't always been the nicest person here and i wondered how much anyone here ever thinks about anything i've ever said here (for good or ill). that i am even posting here now shows that i really don't want to leave -- either ILX or life -- for good.

good night and God bless, aeroJD. :-)

very very glad
we strangers, we care, seriously

take care, Eisbaer.

(a) i haven't always been the nicest person here and (b) i wondered how much anyone here ever thinks about anything i've ever said here (for good or ill)

divided this for clarity. as to (a), you're one of the nicest and most thoughtful posters on ilx, i think (i really can't recall you ever being mean/impolite, tbh). as to (b) i look forward to reading your posts.

^

What everyone else has already said, I say that too. The videogame thing is a very good idea. Maybe complete distraction is what you need to get you through the night and out of this space right now. Hang in there man. Please.

thanks, Daniel. since you're a fellow lawyer, you'd understand some of the problems i am facing right now (don't worry -- it's nothing that would get me disbarred or probably even sanctioned, and i say that with 1,000% honesty).

^^ otm, put on hybrid moments and just try not to smile & jump around, I dare you

― Face Book (dyao), Friday, 21 May 2010 03:45 (4 minutes ago)

hahahahahaha oh fuck

I saw a band tonight (A Sunny Day In Glasgow) and they played this one song that was ten times better than their already-pretty-good power-gaze stuff

and I asked one of the singers what it was afterwards and she said it was Hybrid Moments by The Misfits

so yeah. do this. do this please.

Also a friend of mine recently introduced me to a poppy Krautrock track called Eisbaer and it was great! I thought 'there's an ILX poster called this'

basically my prognosis is

that there are too many coincidences for you to kill yourself.

it would flout the power of the coincidence and be an act of bad energy in the universe

so, like, exist. just exist and may the rest realign. :)

NJ... i'm sorry man

Hang in there man, like others have said it's only temporary. Posting here was your first step towards feeling better.

See? Even the lurkers want you alive!

thanks, Daniel. since you're a fellow lawyer, you'd understand some of the problems i am facing right now (don't worry -- it's nothing that would get me disbarred or probably even sanctioned, and i say that with 1,000% honesty).

i understand. i felt so low for work-related reasons one night about 10 days ago, i was . . . well, i was in a bad place.

hang in there, E.

word of advice (and you may never be in this spot): don't EVER take a pro se on as a client. fuck all the high-minded talk you may here from legal gasbags -- those people are pro se for a reason, and trust me the reason ain't good. let them rot in the cesspool of their own stupidity/cheapness/nastiness/whatever it is that made them go pro se in the first place -- they don't deserve any better.

oh i know all about pro se litigants.

just joining the chorus here at this point (which is kind of a great chorus to be in tbh) but hey, i am not a praying dude, but im thinking about you and hoping things get better. no matter what, the waiting game for better times sucks when its happening, but shit its a game worth playing you know? sorry that you are hurting, but recognizing that hurt helps put a fence around it and understand it, so maybe look at this as a time to do that, and in time you will be looking at it from outside the pen and wondering why it looked so big when you were in there with it. take care of yourself.

anyway, back in the day (like 2003/early 2004 or so) this place WAS my diversion. i was going through some tough/bad times then too -- in some ways less severe than now, in some ways more so -- and ILX helped me through it in so many ways. (that i was going through those bad times was one of the reasons why i never showed up to any of the NYC FAPs that were going on @ that time, if anyone still cares). i got through it then, and in fact those days strengthened my resolve to carry on from then up till now (roughly when i stopped posting here as often as i used to).

i don't know if i will be here as much now as i was then. but maybe i will be, and y'all will know whty.

Eisebaer! good grief what happened?! likewise - of course i'm thinking of you.

i mean, whatever is happening now it's really pretty likely that in a bit of time you'll see it from an entirely different perspective, though it's difficult not to get caught up completely in something @ present that isn't going well at all..

Late to thread, but can I just...please believe what's been said upthread. Everything that's been said, man that is all you...thats you being reflected back to you...these people are not better off without you. Embrace the suck, ride it out, conquer it... and hang. Please. It would mean a lot to this longtime lurker :)

thanx, daria. i know what you're saying is very true -- b/c what you have described is just what has happened after other low points in my life. but damn if it isn't tough when you're in the middle of it.

i think i can get through what i am going through right now, and i try to discipline myself these days to not wallow in my sorrows. i've gotten lots of good advice -- some here, some from IRL friends and families and colleagues. but it's still going to be rough as far as i can see it.

and if i haven't given some of you a shout-out, it's not b/c i am ignoring you. i am truly appreciative of all of the kind thoughts.

right on. and eisbaer, i've always thought you were in fact one of the smartest and most interesting people on ilx. are you going to check back in? what's going on?

xpost
it's been my experience more and more in real life that people simply don't have any idea how to deal with others who are feeling down, particularly if there's no simple reason that's easily explained. like they don't have any clue as to what to say, no idea at all, and just check out. that's how it is. it's like more and more people in this society just aren't trained for it, so they change the subject or walk away. they don't mean it badly, they just don't know how to act..

i think you are otm. sometimes it's hard not to take that personally

funny (and awesome) that we can be more helpful than irl people

hi eisbaer and i don't know you but i know what it feels like to want it over, and i only want you to ride it out. i mean i'm sorry, it's not my business, but you're cool and the world should not be without you. not that it's your problem, but there's nothing worse than watching someone you love let go forever, and i know there are people who love you. thing is, no matter how much shit seems to suck, everything passes, even the stuff that never seems to pass. i don't know how to say it right, but i am glad every day that i didn't do what i used to think i had to do. seriously, what aerosmith said: talk to someone, cuz if you're really thinking about it, you're not in any position to make major decisions.

I simply can't offer a solution to your problem, but do know that most (if not all) do not like to see you unhappy and certainly not dead. Realize that everything can and does pass, also this dark period. Thing is, you have to make that choice (by seeking professional help). I like to see it as being a dark room. You just have to search for the door and open it to the light. For the longest period I thought my depression was something past present and future. Now I realize it isn't *if* I choose is not to be. I have also accepted that, well, I will have slumps now and again. (Like right fucking now. But that's beside the fucking point.)

E, dude, we love you

Just wanted to join the chorus of voices here, I hope/wish/want you to survive this, Tad. Of course we're nothing more than "message board acquaintances", but I've definitely enjoyed interacting with you throughout the years, and I sincerely hope your pain and distress will ease with time. Those things are never more than temporary. Like JJJusten, I'm not a praying man nor a believer, but from my atheist point of view this one life we got is just far too precious to waste. All the potential cool things in your future will always outweigh the bad things going on at the moment.

Nothing to add other than that J0hn D's absolutely right. Hang on in there, almost everyone's been in the place you're in now and it can seem impossible to get out of and it seems easier for you and your friends and family to leave, but trust me it is worth the effort to fight against it and pull through this. Love and respect to you.

take care, dude, lawyerin is hard no doubt. thinkin good thoughts~

I simply can't offer a solution to your problem, but do know that most (if not all) do not like to see you unhappy and certainly not dead. Realize that everything can and does pass, also this dark period. Thing is, you have to make that choice (by seeking professional help). I like to see it as being a dark room. You just have to search for the door and open it to the light. For the longest period I thought my depression was something past present and future. Now I realize it isn't *if* I choose is not to be. I have also accepted that, well, I will have slumps now and again. (Like right fucking now. But that's beside the fucking point.)

E, dude, we love you

― Nathalie (stevienixed), Friday, May 21, 2010 8:16 AM (1 hour ago) Bookmark

^ this

The only problem an eisbaer should have is that he's hungry. When an eisbaer is hungry, he uses his keen sense of smell to locate a seal's breathing hole. Then he waits until the seal comes up for air. The eisbaer then bites the seal's head, killing it. This is how the eisbaer solves his problems in one of the world's least hospitable environments. You are an eisbaer. Your problem is just a pesky seal. Bite its fucking head off. Stay cool.