suicide

thirding aerosmith's post. ppl are here, dude

yeah

because people copy and paste my posts to quote elsewhere I now post under variants of a name & hope that people who've known me a while can address me by my preferred name, aerosmith, and refer to me that way, in perpetuity

however you can call me Rex Reed if it gives you lols and makes you feel better dude

apologies for using your other screen name. i didn't realize that was your motivation for the change.

referring to you as Steven Tyler as kosher move, y/n? ;-)

it's OK -- i know j0hn D, so i feel a bit more comfortable w/ a name i recognize.

:-)

it's ok y'all anything that might distract eisbaer from his pain for a minute is cool by me - I mean seriously, what is the likelihood that a very, very high % of posters on a generally music-oriented board don't know what it feels like to wanna take arms against a sea of troubles, etc? we have all been there. a bunch of times. all in our own ways, for our own reasons, and they all seemed insurmountable at the time. and if we're still here then we can say that some perspective taught us that on balance it was best to stay alive. that it was "worth it," even though, y'know, fuck pain. but distract yourself, man. keep your mind free from the source of the pain until you see some light. you can do it. you will be glad you did.

i know, and that's what everyone keeps saying. and i am trying. but i feel like i'm stuck w/ a tar baby.

i just don't see a good or easy way out of the jam that i am in, even if i manage to survive. and i don't know if i want to survive, anyway.

1) It's a cliche, but it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Mike may be being somewhat facetious, but what he says is true. Even if you feel like you are trapped in an unworkable situation, you have not tried every option. Quit your job, leave your home, there are a thousand things you can change. Even if the worst thing you can possibly imagine happens to you (and trust me, I've been there) it's still less final than being dead. Sure, no matter where you go, you will still be yourself, and the same problems may resurface, and you can't change your life until you've changed yourself, but fuck. Wouldn't it be better to change yourself, even temporarily, rather than end yourself forever?

months I spent feeling like that in '09: March - December

now I'm not just "better," I'm runnin' shit

i GOT into this jam by trying to be "runnin' shit"

I mean, real talk: you are experiencing a psychiatric emergency. you need to call somebody who's better qualified than anybody here to help you find a perspective that helps you. I'm not saying "get off this thread," this thread is also gonna help I'd guess, but your latter part - "i don't know if i want to survive, anyway" - that's the part a pro can really get you some clarity on. because you do. you just can't see that you do, because the pain is clouding your vision.

because you do. you just can't see that you do, because the pain is clouding your vision.

i know. and i agree. though i'm also still here because i'm a pussy who hates pain and messes.

but really, it's so hard.

i also wish that trife were still here to gimme shit for using a term like "tar baby."

i know i'll survive. but it's still hell.

what aeroJD said, Eisbaer -- talk to a pro, and we need you.

E, do you have people who are there for you in real life supporting you through this?

who doesn't hate pain? but it's a temporary condition. really, you gotta step back a little. that is what tv & the internet & comic books & small around-the-house tasks are for. your pain, even at its greatest, will subsist, and clarity will return, and you'll say, whoa fuck, I was really down there in the fucking pit, sure am glad I got the fuck out of there.

I mean seriously dude there can't be anybody here who hasn't been exactly where you're at, for different reasons/via different routes but at the same spot. look to their/our examples and know: you climb up through whatever means, and you live to tell your pain that you were stronger than it was.

E, do you have people who are there for you in real life supporting you through this?

yeah. but i am driving them to their wits' end right now. plus only one have i told at any length about what i am contemplating (b/c he tried to do it to himself so he knows what it's like).

I, for one, would hate to lose you having never met you. Hang in there.

Please don't worry about your peoples' wits right now. If anything, think of it as a wits loan.

God bless you, suzy.

just pray for me, if you do that. that's all i ask now.

Keeping you in my thoughts, sir. Keep all that's been said upthread to heart.

that means a lot to me right now, Ned.

Thinking of you dude, and looking forward to the day when all of this is over for you and the pain is gone.

I need you, Eisebaer. Never having met you is small potatoes compared to the lasting daily pleasure you and so many others here provide. I got you.

I, for one, would hate to lose you having never met you. Hang in there.

I second this.

this is a stupid question maybe but do you play video games & do you have a system at home? that shit can eat up some hours between feeling shitty and feeling less shitty

I guess some people go into a self-loathing thing about "wasting time" after a video game marathon but fuckin' A, it's not wasting time if it makes you feel better imo

Thirded. You're one of the people I want to meet at World FAP.
xpost

I, for one, would hate to lose you having never met you. Hang in there.

I second this.

― ô_o (Nicole), Friday, May 21, 2010 10:34 AM (3 minutes ago) Bookmark

this, and I know this may come off as facetious or w/e, but you are one of the few people on this board who knows what it's like to live in new jersey, also as someone who is considering law school & law in general, I always put my antennas on full blast when I come across your byline on law school threads because you OTM it up

law and NJ are both jealous mistresses.

I think you've found your solution

listen to the Misfits, then sue somebody

(just trying to bring some lol, I am goin to bed now, expect to see you here tomorrow dude)

^^ otm, put on hybrid moments and just try not to smile & jump around, I dare you

seriously, i am really touched by what everyone here is saying. i was reluctant to share all this -- i haven't been here much for the past few years, i haven't always been the nicest person here and i wondered how much anyone here ever thinks about anything i've ever said here (for good or ill). that i am even posting here now shows that i really don't want to leave -- either ILX or life -- for good.

good night and God bless, aeroJD. :-)

very very glad
we strangers, we care, seriously

take care, Eisbaer.

(a) i haven't always been the nicest person here and (b) i wondered how much anyone here ever thinks about anything i've ever said here (for good or ill)

divided this for clarity. as to (a), you're one of the nicest and most thoughtful posters on ilx, i think (i really can't recall you ever being mean/impolite, tbh). as to (b) i look forward to reading your posts.

^

What everyone else has already said, I say that too. The videogame thing is a very good idea. Maybe complete distraction is what you need to get you through the night and out of this space right now. Hang in there man. Please.

thanks, Daniel. since you're a fellow lawyer, you'd understand some of the problems i am facing right now (don't worry -- it's nothing that would get me disbarred or probably even sanctioned, and i say that with 1,000% honesty).

^^ otm, put on hybrid moments and just try not to smile & jump around, I dare you

― Face Book (dyao), Friday, 21 May 2010 03:45 (4 minutes ago)

hahahahahaha oh fuck

I saw a band tonight (A Sunny Day In Glasgow) and they played this one song that was ten times better than their already-pretty-good power-gaze stuff

and I asked one of the singers what it was afterwards and she said it was Hybrid Moments by The Misfits

so yeah. do this. do this please.

Also a friend of mine recently introduced me to a poppy Krautrock track called Eisbaer and it was great! I thought 'there's an ILX poster called this'

basically my prognosis is

that there are too many coincidences for you to kill yourself.

it would flout the power of the coincidence and be an act of bad energy in the universe

so, like, exist. just exist and may the rest realign. :)

NJ... i'm sorry man

Hang in there man, like others have said it's only temporary. Posting here was your first step towards feeling better.

See? Even the lurkers want you alive!

thanks, Daniel. since you're a fellow lawyer, you'd understand some of the problems i am facing right now (don't worry -- it's nothing that would get me disbarred or probably even sanctioned, and i say that with 1,000% honesty).

i understand. i felt so low for work-related reasons one night about 10 days ago, i was . . . well, i was in a bad place.

hang in there, E.

word of advice (and you may never be in this spot): don't EVER take a pro se on as a client. fuck all the high-minded talk you may here from legal gasbags -- those people are pro se for a reason, and trust me the reason ain't good. let them rot in the cesspool of their own stupidity/cheapness/nastiness/whatever it is that made them go pro se in the first place -- they don't deserve any better.