Homemade Jokes

What's got four legs, a trunk, and haunts people?

Take it to the fridge.

Q: Which Muppet went straight-edge?
A: Fugazi Bear

Now you know why I didn't mention that it was a DIY joke.

"We shall come over!"

A man wakes up in a hospital bed after being in a coma.

Doctor: Hi, I'm someone you've never met before.

Man: Thank Christ! I thought I'd lost my memory!

I don't like the new-age religious twist that you've added.

Q: How do you know if a pig has done a poo in your house?

A: You can smell it. And you're treading in it.

One I made up when I was wee:

Q: what do you call a scottish monkey?

A: A McAckus

I prefer my brother's one really.

I'm pretty proud of this one but it is usually met with groans:

"I ate ten gyros and now I falafel!"

Get it?

A bus carrying only ugly people is involved in a crash, and everyone on the bus dies. They go to Heaven. Because of the grief they have suffered, God decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is? The person answers, "I want to be beautiful," and so God snaps His fingers and it is done. The second one in line sees this and says "I want to be beautiful too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while, but when God is halfway down the line, the last person in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this man is rolling on the floor, laughing his pants off. Finally, God gets to the end of the line and asks the laughing one what his wish will be?

The man eventually catches his breath, and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again"

What do they eat for breakfast in Never Never Land?

Peter Pancakes.

And just this week -- he's now 9 years old -- he said: what's another word for "man-boobs"? His answer: Chesticles.

(Yeah, I know it doesn't really make logical sense, but fuck, if I'd been half as sophisticated when I was his age, by now I'd be a genius, or something.)

Why did the Pope visit the Babybel factory?

Because it was reported that Baby Cheeses was spotted there.

A newbie to New York City asks a local: "where's a good place for ass fucking?"

The local replies: "Gowanus Canal".

My brother made up this song, sung to the tune of 'We Three Kings' when he was about 10 or so.

WE THREE LEMMINGS OF ORIENT ARE
JUMPING OFF CLIFFS AND KILLING OURSELVES
DOWN WE GO
CLEAR THE WAY
INTO THE SEA BELOW
BUMPS OF WONDER BUMPS OF FRIGHT
DOWN WE GO AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT
HEADS ARE BLEEDING STILL WE'RE SPEEDING
INTO THE SEA BELOW

I still sing it at Christmas

Made this when I was in 3rd grade-ish:

Who's the most famous Mexican rapper of all time?

Julio! (like Coolio, etc)

i came up with this when i was of a single-digit age:

Q: why did the boy not want to wipe his ass with the newspaper?

A: because he didn't want to catch ADS

― the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, March 5, 2004 10:18 AM (5 years ago)

Genuine lols at prepubescent esoj joek!

My brother, at age three, came up with:

Why did the ice cream sit on top of the refrigerator?
Because it wanted to melt.

Little bro's all time best homemade jokes aged 4:

What did one pig say to the other pig?
Oink oink.

And, in the same mould as "Tiger Hunting" by Claude Bottom, was "Trees" by I. M. Stuck.

did you hear the one about the pregnant mermaid with an abnormally small vagina? she had to have a sea-section.

It's extremely impolite to talk about the scale of a mermaid's vagina.

your mom

did you hear the one about your mom with an abnormally small vagina? she had to have a sea-section.

my mother is entirely terrestrial, take it back

this kid in my sunday school class decided to debut his new novelty joke song at Bible school, which he titled "Jesus Always Farts"....

Why do plays made by giant winged lizards always put audiences to sleep?
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Because they dragon.

What's Hansel and Gretel's favourite band?

- ...And you will know us by the trail of bread.

^

Professional level joke imo

My friend made me a joke as a birthday gift...he says it takes a few weeks to sink in. Here it is:

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Ha.
Ha who?
Nothin'.

Still waiting for it to finish marinating tbh.

U&K- how does one pronounce ha', and indeed, 'who' in yr region?

Ha rhyming with "claw"
Who...I can't believe I'm telling you how "who" is pronounced. Rhymes with "goo" or "blue."

well you pronounce 'ha' wrong so i don't see any reason to get snippy about the word with 'wh' in it tbh

i'm getting nothing but sergio leone soundtracks. i think he may be pulling your leg

I think he is just being a silly guy.

guy? how'd you pronounce that?

Now you are being the silly guy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qoYsfbq3vMc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kq9zsqa-bcs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDevlNobB_g

I called the city about a sinkhole on my block today. They said they were already looking into it.

Had a dog called minton, ate my shuttlecock

BAD minton!

(friend swears he made that up, i'm doubtful)

Should be Mington, shurely?

Noticing I had been 21 minutes late for pretty much everything over the last few days, I checked my watch and noticed it had been set to Welsh Time.

wait have i spelled badminton incorrectly my whole life? the humanity!

yep, looks like it.

no i'm right and NV is all wrong

hey did I ever tell you how I mastered making marble rye bread while I was in high school

…

I took AP Flour

did you hear about that new police procedural TV show starring a potato and a corn cob?

it's called Starchy and Husk

two grain jokes in a row, ricely done

I'd make a third joke, but I don't want to run it into the ground.

that's pretty corny

With all the jokes you keep telling, it's a wonder you don't have sorghums.

That barley raised a smile, rye harder.

oof, teff crowd

what do you call a guy who works in an oil field bottling up oil in glass containers?

a derrick jar man

These grain jokes are really quite bulgar.

Wait... is that spelt correctly?

Philip K. Dick's real name was Philip Potassium Richard

Really? Just one 'l' in "Philip"?

Someone else took the L

The line "Paul, I think I told you, I'm a lobster not a flounder" popped into my head, uninvited

https://thumbs2.imgbox.com/fe/53/3L79jbe0_t.jpg

how do you kill christa mcauliffe? challenge her.

how do you know that the Mamas and the Papas have run out of toilet paper?

all the leaves are brown

California groanin'

Actual LOL

this was my mom's joke- she spent every night watching david letterman, so i can see the backbone in retrospect.

"what do you get when you cross a cat and a moose?"

audience: "what?"

"a kittiemoose"

Troy McClure reading for the role of Fiyero:

🎶 And nobody in all of Oz
🎶 No wizard that there is or was
🎶 Will ever make a monkey out of meeeee

What do you get when all the apple trees in Maryland die?

An appleless Maryland

nice.

What do you have when all the little apple trees in Minnesota die?

Mini-appleless

Did you hear about Radiohead's gay follow-up album to Kid A?

It's called Bidet.

^ ok I lol'd

I was going to write this whole long joke about how my car broke down and nobody manufactures parts for it anymore, but I doubt anyone wants to hear my Saab story.

haha

inflatable horse goes in 2 bar:
x: the king's arms
y: the long face

Why do pagans start their diets on May 1st?

Because this Beltane gonna get any longer!

what do you call a melodramatic screwdriver?

Emo Philips

after his recent spat with Leo, Trump is insisting that chicken place Popeyes change their name to Popeno

I'm not saying that the current White House is corrupt but trump is so bent he makes Hormuz look strait.

What is the most communist state in the U.S.?

OUR-kansas, comrade

Definitely a red state.

I was in the supermarket a couple of days ago looking at the chocolate. MINT DARK CHOCOLATE, it said.

I remember thinking "MINT? you'd think it would be BRAND NEW!"

Because it was brand new chocolate.

I think you mint brand new dark chocolate.