― mark grout (mark grout), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:05 (twenty years ago) link
What's got four legs, a trunk, and haunts people?
― caitlin (caitlin), Friday, 5 March 2004 11:06 (twenty years ago) link
Take it to the fridge.
― hmmm, Friday, 5 March 2004 11:59 (twenty years ago) link
― The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Friday, 5 March 2004 15:36 (twenty years ago) link
Q: Which Muppet went straight-edge?A: Fugazi Bear
Now you know why I didn't mention that it was a DIY joke.
― Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Friday, 5 March 2004 17:26 (twenty years ago) link
"We shall come over!"
― The Huckle-Buck (Horace Mann), Thursday, 25 March 2004 18:18 (twenty years ago) link
A man wakes up in a hospital bed after being in a coma.
Doctor: Hi, I'm someone you've never met before.
Man: Thank Christ! I thought I'd lost my memory!
― Ally C (Ally C), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:01 (twenty years ago) link
I don't like the new-age religious twist that you've added.
― RJG (RJG), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:05 (twenty years ago) link
― kirsten (kirsten), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:09 (twenty years ago) link
― Ally C (Ally C), Thursday, 25 March 2004 22:11 (twenty years ago) link
― RJG (RJG), Thursday, 25 March 2004 22:13 (twenty years ago) link
Q: How do you know if a pig has done a poo in your house?
A: You can smell it. And you're treading in it.
One I made up when I was wee:
Q: what do you call a scottish monkey?
A: A McAckus
I prefer my brother's one really.
― dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 25 March 2004 23:32 (twenty years ago) link
― RJG (RJG), Thursday, 25 March 2004 23:33 (twenty years ago) link
I'm pretty proud of this one but it is usually met with groans:
"I ate ten gyros and now I falafel!"
Get it?
― roger adultery (roger adultery), Friday, 26 March 2004 02:30 (twenty years ago) link
A bus carrying only ugly people is involved in a crash, and everyone on the bus dies. They go to Heaven. Because of the grief they have suffered, God decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is? The person answers, "I want to be beautiful," and so God snaps His fingers and it is done. The second one in line sees this and says "I want to be beautiful too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while, but when God is halfway down the line, the last person in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this man is rolling on the floor, laughing his pants off. Finally, God gets to the end of the line and asks the laughing one what his wish will be?
The man eventually catches his breath, and says:
"Make 'em all ugly again"
― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Friday, 26 March 2004 04:02 (twenty years ago) link
What do they eat for breakfast in Never Never Land?
Peter Pancakes.
And just this week -- he's now 9 years old -- he said: what's another word for "man-boobs"? His answer: Chesticles.
(Yeah, I know it doesn't really make logical sense, but fuck, if I'd been half as sophisticated when I was his age, by now I'd be a genius, or something.)
― David A. (Davant), Friday, 26 March 2004 07:17 (twenty years ago) link
Why did the Pope visit the Babybel factory?
Because it was reported that Baby Cheeses was spotted there.
― James Mitchell, Monday, 19 May 2008 22:26 (sixteen years ago) link
A newbie to New York City asks a local: "where's a good place for ass fucking?"
The local replies: "Gowanus Canal".
― RR, Sunday, 11 October 2009 18:25 (fourteen years ago) link
My brother made up this song, sung to the tune of 'We Three Kings' when he was about 10 or so.
WE THREE LEMMINGS OF ORIENT AREJUMPING OFF CLIFFS AND KILLING OURSELVESDOWN WE GO CLEAR THE WAYINTO THE SEA BELOWBUMPS OF WONDER BUMPS OF FRIGHTDOWN WE GO AT THE SPEED OF LIGHTHEADS ARE BLEEDING STILL WE'RE SPEEDINGINTO THE SEA BELOW
I still sing it at Christmas
― VegemiteGrrrl, Sunday, 11 October 2009 18:49 (fourteen years ago) link
Made this when I was in 3rd grade-ish:
Who's the most famous Mexican rapper of all time?
Julio! (like Coolio, etc)
― musically, Sunday, 11 October 2009 18:59 (fourteen years ago) link
i came up with this when i was of a single-digit age:
Q: why did the boy not want to wipe his ass with the newspaper?
A: because he didn't want to catch ADS
― the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, March 5, 2004 10:18 AM (5 years ago)
Genuine lols at prepubescent esoj joek!
― existential eggs (Abbott), Monday, 12 October 2009 18:50 (fourteen years ago) link
My brother, at age three, came up with:
Why did the ice cream sit on top of the refrigerator?Because it wanted to melt.
― existential eggs (Abbott), Monday, 12 October 2009 18:53 (fourteen years ago) link
Little bro's all time best homemade jokes aged 4:
What did one pig say to the other pig?Oink oink.
And, in the same mould as "Tiger Hunting" by Claude Bottom, was "Trees" by I. M. Stuck.
― calumerio, Monday, 12 October 2009 19:22 (fourteen years ago) link
did you hear the one about the pregnant mermaid with an abnormally small vagina? she had to have a sea-section.
― iiiijjjj, Saturday, 3 April 2010 00:05 (fourteen years ago) link
It's extremely impolite to talk about the scale of a mermaid's vagina.
― zvookster, Saturday, 3 April 2010 01:30 (fourteen years ago) link
your mom
― iiiijjjj, Saturday, 3 April 2010 01:34 (fourteen years ago) link
did you hear the one about your mom with an abnormally small vagina? she had to have a sea-section.
― ain't no thang but a chicken ㅋ (dyao), Saturday, 3 April 2010 01:40 (fourteen years ago) link
my mother is entirely terrestrial, take it back
― iiiijjjj, Saturday, 3 April 2010 01:45 (fourteen years ago) link
this kid in my sunday school class decided to debut his new novelty joke song at Bible school, which he titled "Jesus Always Farts"....
― Phoenix in Flight (Cattle Grind), Saturday, 3 April 2010 04:15 (fourteen years ago) link
Why do plays made by giant winged lizards always put audiences to sleep?............Because they dragon.
― RR, Friday, 18 June 2010 07:21 (thirteen years ago) link
What's Hansel and Gretel's favourite band?
- ...And you will know us by the trail of bread.
^
Professional level joke imo
― Remember when Mr Banhart was a replicant? (darraghmac), Friday, 18 June 2010 11:08 (thirteen years ago) link
My friend made me a joke as a birthday gift...he says it takes a few weeks to sink in. Here it is:
Knock knock?Who's there?Ha.Ha who?Nothin'.
― breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:52 (thirteen years ago) link
Still waiting for it to finish marinating tbh.
― breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:53 (thirteen years ago) link
U&K- how does one pronounce ha', and indeed, 'who' in yr region?
― Remember when Mr Banhart was a replicant? (darraghmac), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:54 (thirteen years ago) link
Ha rhyming with "claw"Who...I can't believe I'm telling you how "who" is pronounced. Rhymes with "goo" or "blue."
― breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:56 (thirteen years ago) link
well you pronounce 'ha' wrong so i don't see any reason to get snippy about the word with 'wh' in it tbh
― Remember when Mr Banhart was a replicant? (darraghmac), Friday, 18 June 2010 15:58 (thirteen years ago) link
i'm getting nothing but sergio leone soundtracks. i think he may be pulling your leg
― Remember when Mr Banhart was a replicant? (darraghmac), Friday, 18 June 2010 16:02 (thirteen years ago) link
I think he is just being a silly guy.
― breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Friday, 18 June 2010 16:07 (thirteen years ago) link
guy? how'd you pronounce that?
― Remember when Mr Banhart was a replicant? (darraghmac), Friday, 18 June 2010 16:10 (thirteen years ago) link
Now you are being the silly guy.
― breaking that little dog's heart chakra (Abbott), Friday, 18 June 2010 21:04 (thirteen years ago) link
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qoYsfbq3vMc
― serious nonsense (CaptainLorax), Friday, 18 June 2010 21:56 (thirteen years ago) link
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kq9zsqa-bcs
― serious nonsense (CaptainLorax), Friday, 18 June 2010 22:04 (thirteen years ago) link
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDevlNobB_g
― serious nonsense (CaptainLorax), Friday, 18 June 2010 22:05 (thirteen years ago) link
I called the city about a sinkhole on my block today. They said they were already looking into it.
― hills like white people (Hurting 2), Monday, 21 June 2010 04:38 (thirteen years ago) link
Had a dog called minton, ate my shuttlecock
BAD minton!
(friend swears he made that up, i'm doubtful)
― Remember when Mr Banhart was a replicant? (darraghmac), Monday, 21 June 2010 08:44 (thirteen years ago) link
Should be Mington, shurely?
― Smokey Maicon (Noodle Vague), Monday, 21 June 2010 08:49 (thirteen years ago) link
Noticing I had been 21 minutes late for pretty much everything over the last few days, I checked my watch and noticed it had been set to Welsh Time.
― village idiot (dog latin), Monday, 21 June 2010 11:19 (thirteen years ago) link
wait have i spelled badminton incorrectly my whole life? the humanity!
― Remember when Mr Banhart was a replicant? (darraghmac), Monday, 21 June 2010 11:45 (thirteen years ago) link
yep, looks like it.
― village idiot (dog latin), Monday, 21 June 2010 11:48 (thirteen years ago) link
no i'm right and NV is all wrong
― Remember when Mr Banhart was a replicant? (darraghmac), Monday, 21 June 2010 11:50 (thirteen years ago) link
omg I just now got it, lol
― real warm grandpa (Neanderthal), Thursday, 19 October 2023 20:27 (seven months ago) link
Holy shit, same.
― Large, Complex, Detailed but Irrefutable POST (Dan Peterson), Thursday, 19 October 2023 20:56 (seven months ago) link
I am lost
― ...eh you get the gist of it (dog latin), Thursday, 19 October 2023 20:58 (seven months ago) link
Lol, same!
Actually I don’t get it.
― longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Thursday, 19 October 2023 20:58 (seven months ago) link
come on babyjust do theGreater Philadelphia
― real warm grandpa (Neanderthal), Thursday, 19 October 2023 20:59 (seven months ago) link
^^^ and once you've worked that out, which admittedly took me far too long, the fact that they both actually did grow up near Philly (which is probably not common knowledge?) is incredible.
― Large, Complex, Detailed but Irrefutable POST (Dan Peterson), Thursday, 19 October 2023 21:04 (seven months ago) link
The joke is that both Chubby and M. Knight like to dance the Watusi
― budo jeru, Thursday, 19 October 2023 21:08 (seven months ago) link
Oh god right okay now I see. I was wracking my brain for any admittedly poor knowledge of Philadelphia. Even looked up "Philadelphia twist" which according to Urban Dictionary is a type of handjob lol
― ...eh you get the gist of it (dog latin), Friday, 20 October 2023 08:33 (seven months ago) link
Why does Joe Rogan owe royalties to Joni Mitchell?
He praised Bari Weiss and podcasts a fucking lot
― m0stly clean (Slowsquatch), Monday, 11 December 2023 22:43 (five months ago) link
Boooooo
― budo jeru, Monday, 11 December 2023 22:49 (five months ago) link
jk thanks for sharing :)
― budo jeru, Monday, 11 December 2023 23:28 (five months ago) link
that is a winner
― Josefa, Monday, 11 December 2023 23:40 (five months ago) link
Took me a minute.
― peace, man, Tuesday, 12 December 2023 11:45 (five months ago) link
oh, my god
― longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Tuesday, 12 December 2023 14:24 (five months ago) link
Sensational work.
― I would prefer not to. (Chinaski), Tuesday, 12 December 2023 14:48 (five months ago) link
The is easily Top Ten for this thread.
― Hideous Lump, Tuesday, 12 December 2023 16:43 (five months ago) link
aww i just got it
― ...eh you get the gist of it (dog latin), Tuesday, 12 December 2023 16:47 (five months ago) link
first I hated it, now I love it
― kinder, Tuesday, 12 December 2023 22:00 (five months ago) link
Thanks all, this is pretty much the only place for it so I'm glad it worked ...
― m0stly clean (Slowsquatch), Wednesday, 13 December 2023 13:19 (five months ago) link
Which dinosaur can do three trillion calculations per second?
Triteraflops
― organ doner (ledge), Wednesday, 7 February 2024 10:58 (four months ago) link
Never buy Communist books during a power cut. I went to the bookshop to buy Mao's Little Red Book. The power went out. Came home with my purchase and opened it up.
"Chunyang, 23, telephone Beijing 283901"
Only gone and got his Little Black Book hadn't I???
― Grandpont Genie, Wednesday, 7 February 2024 11:15 (four months ago) link
No one could understand it when I hired Scar, nefarious and conniving villain from Disney's "The Lion King," to fix the broken sound on my microwave. But sure enough, he didn't have to fiddle with it long at all and before I knew it he was handing me his invoice and saying, "Beep repaired!"
[this joke brought to you by my daughter playing Scar in local children's theater and singing his signature song around the house constantly]
― Lavator Shemmelpennick, Wednesday, 7 February 2024 20:47 (four months ago) link
i came up with _one joke_ and just the other day i found out somebody else independently came up with it
actually i just came up with a new, better punchline to a pre-existing joke
q: what's a pirate's favorite letter?a: a letter of marque
― Kate (rushomancy), Thursday, 8 February 2024 03:14 (four months ago) link
That reminds me of a joke, I think I've heard it, or a variation of it, before . . .
Q: What's a cat's favorite letter?A: Cats don't have favorite letters, they're fucking cats.
― immodesty blaise (jimbeaux), Thursday, 8 February 2024 03:17 (four months ago) link
What do you call it when the Phish bandleader only faintly has a quality of not being submerged in condensed milk?
Trey’s trace tres leches-less-ness
― budo jeru, Saturday, 24 February 2024 00:29 (three months ago) link
Your Gods so omnipresent...
"How omnipresent is he?!?"
Your Gods so omnipresent that when he sits around the house, he sits around the house
― H.P, Saturday, 24 February 2024 05:02 (three months ago) link
I was about to tell Lavator's joke at my stand-up night, but then I remembered that the Disney Haters Society had block-booked tickets, so...
No one could understand it when I built a time machine, travelled back one hundred years, kidnapped Lord Baden Powell, and brought him back to the present day to fix the broken sound on my microwave. But sure enough, he didn't have to fiddle with it long at all and before I knew it he was handing me his invoice and saying, "Beep repaired!"
― Grandpont Genie, Saturday, 24 February 2024 06:33 (three months ago) link
Lol H.P.
― CEO Greedwagon (Neanderthal), Saturday, 24 February 2024 15:49 (three months ago) link
xp i think we have a burgeoning genre here!
― Lavator Shemmelpennick, Sunday, 25 February 2024 20:23 (three months ago) link
For your respects neando, have another.
Have you heard how poor the Christians are?
"How poor are they?!?"
The Christians are so poor they only got one God, and they still had to split him 3 ways!
― H.P, Sunday, 25 February 2024 22:16 (three months ago) link
If I ever want to be a hip and happening youth leader, I'll submit that joke as my resume
who was Christian Vander's favourite grunge artist?Curt Kobaiian
― Stevo, Thursday, 18 April 2024 13:55 (one month ago) link
There used to be a secret penis hidden in Rembrandt's The Night Watch until he was ordered to paint over it by its central figure. He was Banninck Cocq
― your mom goes to limgrave (dog latin), Thursday, 18 April 2024 16:28 (one month ago) link
My son said last night right before bed, "I'm going to be like the Republicans and GO P."
― omar little, Saturday, 27 April 2024 21:23 (one month ago) link
Hardly a new one I'm sure but he was happy to have come up with it
― omar little, Saturday, 27 April 2024 21:24 (one month ago) link
I think that’s original to your son actually
― Josefa, Saturday, 27 April 2024 21:30 (one month ago) link