Homemade Jokes

did you hear the one about your mom with an abnormally small vagina? she had to have a sea-section.

my mother is entirely terrestrial, take it back

this kid in my sunday school class decided to debut his new novelty joke song at Bible school, which he titled "Jesus Always Farts"....

Why do plays made by giant winged lizards always put audiences to sleep?
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Because they dragon.

What's Hansel and Gretel's favourite band?

- ...And you will know us by the trail of bread.

^

Professional level joke imo

My friend made me a joke as a birthday gift...he says it takes a few weeks to sink in. Here it is:

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Ha.
Ha who?
Nothin'.

Still waiting for it to finish marinating tbh.

U&K- how does one pronounce ha', and indeed, 'who' in yr region?

Ha rhyming with "claw"
Who...I can't believe I'm telling you how "who" is pronounced. Rhymes with "goo" or "blue."

well you pronounce 'ha' wrong so i don't see any reason to get snippy about the word with 'wh' in it tbh

i'm getting nothing but sergio leone soundtracks. i think he may be pulling your leg

I think he is just being a silly guy.

guy? how'd you pronounce that?

Now you are being the silly guy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qoYsfbq3vMc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kq9zsqa-bcs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDevlNobB_g

I called the city about a sinkhole on my block today. They said they were already looking into it.

Had a dog called minton, ate my shuttlecock

BAD minton!

(friend swears he made that up, i'm doubtful)

Should be Mington, shurely?

Noticing I had been 21 minutes late for pretty much everything over the last few days, I checked my watch and noticed it had been set to Welsh Time.

wait have i spelled badminton incorrectly my whole life? the humanity!

yep, looks like it.

no i'm right and NV is all wrong

http://www.fistoffun.net/book/69.htm

Did you see the ceramicist comedian last night?

He was kiln em!

hahaha

Which professional tennis player has the fattest wife?

Roger Feederer

Hey bobby, what's the french for Voo-voo-zela?

Malaysian? Isn't that just bad asian?

Why did Lou Reed go to Williamsburg for his prosthetics?

Because he needed hip replacement surgery.

Man, Hurting, you are cracking me up!

Here is a joke of my own I once made up:

What do you guy who turns into an uncool wolf in the full moon's light?

A square-wolf.

I mean, What do you call a guy...

how did Snoopy begin his novel about wavelength measurement?

"It was a dark Ångström-y night."

a joke a former coworker made up:

why did the owl get fired from his job?
sexuOWL harrassment

(this joke actually made me laugh uproariously as it was about the tenth in a line of owl jokes and the first whose punchline did not play off a HOO pun)

Oh my God, in high school, my circle of friends & I had this habit of making up really bad nonsense jokes with the punchline "license to Bill." This had gone on several weeks, that we'd be hanging out at my friend's house, playing video games and making "license to Bill" jokes, then finishing the evening by ruining his family's dinner with terrible jokes that all ended in "license to Bill." One night his dad said, "Enough of your jokes, I want to tell you something serious my pastor told me about today." His dad was an evangelical Christian – the kind of guy who was too Christian to open fortune cookies because they were "false prophecy" – so we all knew this could go on for a while & you just had to be polite and listen. He started going on and on about what the pastor had to say about the Monica Lewinsky scandal, and how it was dragging our nation down, and he started reading out loud this letter his pastor had written about the dangers of dishonesty and adultery. "And do you know what he wrote on the envelope?" he said. "Lies! Sins! To Bill!"

^^^true story about a homemade joke, not a homemade joke itself

aahahahah i love when i get pwned by unlikely people

what did the river say to the riverbed?

my sediments exactly!

ha, that is an excellent story abbott

I made up two today but they are basically the same joke:

What is a leaf's favorite Bauhaus song?

Stomata Martyr.

What is an arthropod's favorite Bauhaus song?

Tegmata Martyr.

:D

What did George Michael say when he dropped his chocolate bar?

Careless Wispa

Nah it's not the Wispa that's careless in that case tho, it's the recording artist

I may have told this one in another thread:

What's Lil Wayne's favorite French film?

AMELIE AMELIE AMELIE AMELIE AME AME

Q: What did the traditional Indian garment say to the other traditional Indian garment when it stepped on its foot?

A: Sari.

I was riding back from a film shoot last week, and the DP and I were the only ones who'd actually been to film school, so he kept making dorky jokes that only I'd get. For instance:

Hey Nick! If I set my foot on fire, do you think that would be One Foot Candle!?!?!

Q: What's the most popular Nike shoe in Germany?

A: the Herr Jordan

let's make like romaine and lettuce leaf

haha

inflatable horse goes in 2 bar:
x: the king's arms
y: the long face

Why do pagans start their diets on May 1st?

Because this Beltane gonna get any longer!

what do you call a melodramatic screwdriver?

Emo Philips

after his recent spat with Leo, Trump is insisting that chicken place Popeyes change their name to Popeno

I'm not saying that the current White House is corrupt but trump is so bent he makes Hormuz look strait.

What is the most communist state in the U.S.?

OUR-kansas, comrade

Definitely a red state.

I was in the supermarket a couple of days ago looking at the chocolate. MINT DARK CHOCOLATE, it said.

I remember thinking "MINT? you'd think it would be BRAND NEW!"

Because it was brand new chocolate.

I think you mint brand new dark chocolate.