My mother's incredibly stupid ex-husband

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(ack, sorry about that, had only read first sentence of Emily's post when I wrote that; wasn't referring to the story, which is inexcusable, just that mine are meant to be funny first and foremost. y'all's don't have to be, obv.)

― M Matos (M Matos), Saturday, 10 May 2003 06:48 (twenty-three years ago)

Chris reminds me of my ex, who left me a voice mail message saying he was making $500 an hour as a prostitute, then told the judge in divorce court that he left that message because he still loved me and he wanted me to know I gave up great sex when I left him...

― Dana Jones, Sunday, 11 May 2003 13:02 (twenty-three years ago)

Your ex sounds like a truly well-adjusted individual.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 11 May 2003 13:04 (twenty-three years ago)

More Matos stories? Please?

― Nicole (Nicole), Sunday, 11 May 2003 13:11 (twenty-three years ago)

Maybe that's it and the rest of the time he was a well-adjusted individual combining the finest qualities of Ward Cleaver and Cliff Huxtable.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 11 May 2003 13:12 (twenty-three years ago)

This reminds me of a story about my ex-husband.

We'd rented a van to drive from Las Vegas to Laughlin NV where we were having our family reunion. We've been driving about an hour ... when suddenly he says, "Say ..." *he's pointing to the dashboard on which some buttons have bumps on them so you can feel where they are*

"This must be a really new car ... it's even set up with Braille"

His oldest son and I just turn our heads to exchange this astonished, grinning look, and his son says ... "Dad. ... Why would a blind driver need headlights?"

And the Ex said ... "So other drivers can see them coming" ... LOL ... by that time he'd figured it out

― Adding A Story, Tuesday, 13 May 2003 20:55 (twenty-three years ago)

the difference is that Chris would have said "well FUCK YOU!"

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 13 May 2003 22:51 (twenty-three years ago)

one month passes...

These are keeping me up very late, laughing so hard I am scaring the dog!

I have one about my dad. (actually many, but will share one for now)

In May of 2000 I planned a trip to Alaska to meet my online email-pal. Before embarking on my trip dad asked if I had gotten any traveler's checks. I said "nah, no one really uses those much anymore. I'm just going to take my Visa debit card with me, and a little cash."

dad: "well, what if places in Alaska don't take Visa?"

me: "dad, almost everyplace on earth takes credit cards. If I get to a store or restaurant that doesn't, I'll just go to an ATM and get cash with my debit card."

dad: "oh, that worries me! How will you balance your checking account?"

me: "uhhh, write it down? like always?"

dad: "But what about the exchange rate? How will you calculate that? You aren't very good at math, you know?"

me: ( slack jawed expression ) "um, dad, Alaska is part of the states. As in The United States? You know? JUST LIKE US!"

dad: "Yeah! But they use Canadian money up there!"

― Shade, Wednesday, 9 July 2003 06:11 (twenty-two years ago)

i don't want to laugh at Matos, or make light of his situation, but some of those things that Chris said are pretty damn funny. i mean, "I can't make my face turn into a heart"? that's classic!

― Tad (llamasfur), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 06:16 (twenty-two years ago)

Thanks for the revive. . .

BEST. THREAD. EVAH.

(of the top ten)

― That Girl (thatgirl), Wednesday, 9 July 2003 06:18 (twenty-two years ago)

four weeks pass...

this thread is amazing

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Wednesday, 6 August 2003 04:34 (twenty-two years ago)

I remember the entire time we were driving around portugal looking for twee towns to explore and we spent a shitload of time looking for this one place called Espagna (sp?).

I.E. SPAIN

― Nellie (nellskies), Wednesday, 6 August 2003 05:16 (twenty-two years ago)

Ok, that's seriously funny.

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 6 August 2003 12:39 (twenty-two years ago)

This is probably the best thread ever. It should be linked from the FAQ so that newbies know what's going on when someone says "I can't turn my face into a heart."

― NA (Nick A.), Wednesday, 6 August 2003 13:31 (twenty-two years ago)

I still think Matos should write a book about this.

― Larcole (Nicole), Wednesday, 6 August 2003 13:32 (twenty-two years ago)

Yes.

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Wednesday, 6 August 2003 13:40 (twenty-two years ago)

I was trying to explain to Blount like two weeks ago how I actually kind of hate that in-joke because I happen to have kind of a heart shaped face ie pointy chin, wide cheekbones, not quite even hairline. I can't help but turn my face into a heart! Thank god I never met Chris.

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 6 August 2003 13:42 (twenty-two years ago)

I forgot about "You lie like a kite." Awesome.

― NA (Nick A.), Wednesday, 6 August 2003 14:29 (twenty-two years ago)

I'll be honest, that 'creamed corn as bait' idea looks smarter to me everyday

― nnnh oh oh nnnh nnnh oh (James Blount), Wednesday, 6 August 2003 21:25 (twenty-two years ago)

you wouldn't believe how many fish they caught that day! so yeah, you're right

― M Matos (M Matos), Thursday, 7 August 2003 01:55 (twenty-two years ago)

because you know, they just baited the lines with the CANS and threw 'em out. sunfish for dinner AND breakfast for us!

― M Matos (M Matos), Thursday, 7 August 2003 01:56 (twenty-two years ago)

To add to the thread:
MY stupid ex-husband (though I hate to call him that, just for the purposes of fitting into the thread, I really don't think he's stupid)

Showed up at a gig in the mid-90s where a major label A&R guy was to see us. Everyone else set up. The leaad guitarist said " Hey man, where's your guitar"
My husband (rhythm guitar), with a straight face looked back and said "Oh, shit, I forgot it":

I rest my case.

― Orbit (Orbit), Thursday, 7 August 2003 05:02 (twenty-two years ago)

three weeks pass...

21. One day my family was sitting around the living room and Chris said something semi-dumb, I don't remember what. (Not flat-out stupid a la the bulk of this thread, just something dumb.) In response, I said, "Chris, you've got a mind like a steel trap." "What a stupid phrase," he replied. "Steel traps don't have minds."

― M Matos (M Matos), Thursday, 28 August 2003 02:24 (twenty-two years ago)

This is surely the best thread ever.

― colin s barrow (colin s barrow), Thursday, 28 August 2003 03:02 (twenty-two years ago)

It is. That's why I'm *bumping* it. Newbies, read this thread if you read anything on ILE at all.

― Mark C (Mark C), Thursday, 28 August 2003 16:07 (twenty-two years ago)

Best part of this thread: "Matos is the new Margaret Cho."

― animal wrangler (Jody Beth Rosen), Thursday, 28 August 2003 16:18 (twenty-two years ago)

three weeks pass...

i can't believe i never saw this thread!! thank you, matos.

― Justyn Dillingham (Justyn Dillingham), Saturday, 20 September 2003 06:52 (twenty-two years ago)

i have similarly awful stories about my grandpa. every summer when i was a kid he used to drive us somewhere. one summer he insisted we eat at denny's the whole way there and the whole way back. it's been a somewhat bitter running gag in my family ever since.

when i mentioned it to him recently he vehemently denied that he'd EVER been to denny's.

― Justyn Dillingham (Justyn Dillingham), Saturday, 20 September 2003 06:58 (twenty-two years ago)

as a teenager my mom once got mad at her dad and told him 'shove it!' and ran into her room. he came into her room like 10 minutes later and said 'you meant up my ass didn't you?'

― lolita corpus (lolitacorpus), Saturday, 20 September 2003 08:08 (twenty-two years ago)

Never got the chance to say how much I love this thread. Thank you for sharing these stories, M Matos.

― Legendary Nothingness (Dee the Lurker), Saturday, 20 September 2003 13:53 (twenty-two years ago)

Matos is my hero of the week for just having to put up with half that bull. Hell, make that 'of the month'.

― Francis Watlington (Francis Watlington), Saturday, 20 September 2003 15:26 (twenty-two years ago)

Month? Of a lifetime!

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Saturday, 20 September 2003 16:37 (twenty-two years ago)

two months pass...

How did I miss this thread!?

― smee (smee), Thursday, 20 November 2003 16:01 (twenty-two years ago)

How great is this thread?

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Thursday, 20 November 2003 16:04 (twenty-two years ago)

"Find a Fudds" made me larf a lot too, coz that word means summit altogether different than a hamburger chain round our way....

― smee (smee), Thursday, 20 November 2003 16:10 (twenty-two years ago)

My mothers incredibly stupid now husband pull some classic shit. I thinked he topped it all yesterday. I got a call from my mother this morning. Apparently Wa*ne had one too many Natty Lights on Saturday and decided to do some work in the basement of the apartment (they live in an old victorian house). Well I guess the pipes in the house basement are insulated with asbestos insulation. And the landlord was going to pay some guy $600 to have it removed. Well shithead decided after a few beers to save the landlord some trouble and remove it himself. Without any protection or without a license to do so. So my mother hears him down there banging pipes around a ripping asbestos out with his bare hands. No mask. The people on the second floor went down and saw him and called the landlord. The police as well as the EPA showed up at the house. Wanting to fine him $10000 and arrest him for illegally doing this. Now, the basement (where the laundry is and storage) is labeled as a hazardous site and is sealed off. My mother says it looks like something from ET. And everyone in the building is not allowed down there for weeks.

Needless to say, the next day Wa*ne had to go to the emergency room because he passed out. He had minor poisoning. Smart guy, eh.

― Chris B. Sure (Chris V), Thursday, 20 November 2003 18:52 (twenty-two years ago)

*sits down cross legged* Matos, tell us another. It's been too long.

― colin s barrow (colin s barrow), Thursday, 20 November 2003 23:53 (twenty-two years ago)

I can't think of anymore!

― M Matos (M Matos), Friday, 21 November 2003 00:44 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm just being greedy.

― colin s barrow (colin s barrow), Friday, 21 November 2003 02:34 (twenty-two years ago)

one month passes...

22. One day, Chris was sitting around bragging about absolutely nothing--in this case, his family, telling my mom, "My aunt was married to someone pretty high up in the Pillsbury company."

"You mean the president?" Mom asked.

"No, not that. He wasn't on the business side of it. He was more like the company spokesman--he was pretty famous, actually."

"You mean," Mom said in disbelief, "that your uncle was the Pillsbury Doughboy?!"

"FUCK YOU," Chris replied.

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 30 December 2003 00:38 (twenty-two years ago)

Chris is revealed finally to be the Stay Puft Marshamellow Man??

― Allyzay, Tuesday, 30 December 2003 00:39 (twenty-two years ago)

15a. I was reminded when back home for the holidays this year that whenever someone would use the word "God" around Chris, particularly in the event of swearing, he'd answer, "Yes?" [see 15 above for details]

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 30 December 2003 00:40 (twenty-two years ago)

[I had SUCH a good vacation, the one regret is not getting more stories]

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 30 December 2003 00:42 (twenty-two years ago)

Your second regret is not seeing me in Seattle DAMMIT.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 30 December 2003 00:49 (twenty-two years ago)

haha "regret"

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 30 December 2003 00:56 (twenty-two years ago)

Your second egret is not seeing me in Seattle DAMMIT.

― donut bitch (donut), Tuesday, 30 December 2003 01:01 (twenty-two years ago)

but I'm back! let the egrets begin!

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 30 December 2003 01:13 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.nps.gov/calo/graphics/egret.jpg

*sniff*

― donut bitch (donut), Tuesday, 30 December 2003 01:14 (twenty-two years ago)

So, Matos, enjoying the slightly-milder-than-Minneapolis weather we're having today?

― donut bitch (donut), Tuesday, 30 December 2003 01:15 (twenty-two years ago)

milder?! it's WAY colder than Mpls was the entire 10 days I was there!

― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, 30 December 2003 01:33 (twenty-two years ago)

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