"Can I say you're my girlfriend on Facebook?"

i have to admit once a while ago that I was having a time getting over an ex, and I was just starting to come to terms with things, but hadn't got to the "I'm ready to handle seeing you with other people stage", when I found out there might be a prospective guy.

in a weak moment, i created a fake profile, fake name, said I went to the dude's school, and friend requested him and a buncha other people that went to the school, and I added some anti-Bush pic as my profile pic as bait. like a schlep, he added me, and then I found out what I needed to know.

then I met him for real 2 days later MAKING ALL OF THAT IRRELEVANT. I suck.

I thought you had to have a school's email address to show up in that network, or did you just write in the info page that you went there

Another weird thing here is that I added 3 of them as friends after having a good chat with all 3. One in particular I got on well with (again, platonically). They were all serious, principled, communicative people. 2 of them haven't responded *at all*. I'm beginning to suspect that one of them was sent in on some sort of weird reconnaisance mission, and reported me unworthy. Have never been a paranoid person but Facebook's capable of all sorts.

*reconnaissance, if we're in the business of spelling pedantry

kinda reminds me of the plight of a certain Grant Singer

It's not really plight, just very weird!

never facebook-friend someone you've met only once imo

when I like people whom I've met once, I have no problem friending them. usually it leads to nothing, sometimes it leads to real friendships. nothing to lose imo.

w/r/t women. this has nothing to do with the above except in small part:

- be pleasant and respectful and interested in what they have to say (but actually BE interested, assuming it's interesting...don't fake it, life's too short and you don't want to waste their time or yours)
- don't be a cocky bro, that shit might work to some extent but you're implicitly acting like you own them and if you want to actually respect them you won't do that. cf don't "run game"
- don't be eager, and don't be afraid of being a "nice guy" b/c you can be nice without being a pushover. girls don't mind nice guys, but they do they mind pushovers. you can be nice and charming and that will go a long way
- again, approach them as equals and talk to them like the regular folks they are (with a *conservative* dose of effortless and pressureless flirting) and you will find yourself not worrying about the politics of male/female interactions

regarding this situation:

- leave yourself a little mysterious without being all "I am Mystery", cf. don't add them on facebook after a casual conversation. and if you have a conversation with 3 girls and add all three, it looks weird, like you're a collector. adding just one looks weird because then the one girl feels like she's being targeted for a hookup. adding two looks weird because one will feel insulted. don't add any of them, they all know each other (presumably?) and they don't know you, so best to let the next meeting, should it occur, happen organically rather than via the internet. i would leave it with a handshake and a pleasant, "i hope to see you guys around again" or something similar. i think that adding them as friends on a social networking site just kinda adds them to a very large pile and while you are now connected to them, it's kinda impersonal.

I love when a guy gives me a handshake. It's never awkward.

handshakes are underrated

I am glad reasonable people like you are championing them.

people to not facebook friend (beyond the obvious "people i don't actually know")

- co-workers who are at your level or above

if everyone follows this rule doesn't this translate to never friend anybody at work

Your initial four points of advice is stuff I've learnt to do anyway - I'm only invested in striking up good conversation and hearing what others are interested in; I'm not looking to get something external to the conversation out of the conversation, and I'm not looking to impose my mind onto theirs. I am very much entirely myself, albeit myself in friendly mode.

Your latter point is the one that rings true. When I said I'd probably follow your approach, I didn't mean your literal 'no add after one or zero meets' dictum, but the overarching principle of it. If you add someone liked from the Internet or after one especially friendly meet where you got to know them a little, then that's cool. But I understand that adding a group of people in a batch after a meeting might seem odd. However, them knowing I added all three is predicated on them saying 'that LJ tried to add me!' to each other, which puts us firmly back in the 'weird people' camp, ESPECIALLY as we verbally agreed to track each other down on Facebook before they left. I will confess that sometimes I do appear forward, but I wouldn't say that's especially been the case here. Nonetheless, I'll be careful before adding brief acquaintances in future. There'll have to have been a great spark.

I totally do handshakes on the reg y'guys

xp

that's not a bad rule to follow in most circumstances actually. basically i would never friend anyone at work unless i'm actual friends with them, but that's just me. my non-personal philosophy advice for everyone else is that friending anyone who you may be competing with at work (at your level) or is superior to you is potential trouble.

ESPECIALLY as we verbally agreed to track each other down on Facebook before they left.

verbal agreement? not worth the paper it's printed on (via some old advert)

Sam Goldwyn, no?

and if you have a conversation with 3 girls and add all three, it looks weird, like you're a collector.

http://i45.tinypic.com/2qu7vxt.png

i have to admit once a while ago that I was having a time getting over an ex, and I was just starting to come to terms with things, but hadn't got to the "I'm ready to handle seeing you with other people stage", when I found out there might be a prospective guy.

in a weak moment, i created a fake profile, fake name, said I went to the dude's school, and friend requested him and a buncha other people that went to the school, and I added some anti-Bush pic as my profile pic as bait. like a schlep, he added me, and then I found out what I needed to know.

then I met him for real 2 days later MAKING ALL OF THAT IRRELEVANT. I suck.

― Ballistic, Tuesday, March 2, 2010 2:17 AM (17 hours ago) Bookmark

I needed that laugh.

re handshakes: i get kind of annoyed when guys offer their hand for a shake to my husband, but not to me (when we're together obv). like for eg, if we're at a store getting sold on something and we go to leave, the dude will be like "well, my name's john, it was nice chatting with you etc etc [offers hand to my husband, smiles congenially at me]".

For real.

OTOH I guess it is better than the guy shaking the hand of the husband & doing Gomez-style kissy-arm move all over your extended hand.

I shake everyone's hands, it often surprises people eg if it's a friend I see often and we're just meeting to go for a beer. Or sometimes they look at me for a second and then sort of laugh before shaking my hand...but I think people actually really like it.

that is a difficult transaction on the guy's side as well. some females will chuckle when you reach for their hand like you aren't supposed to do that. xpost :/

i usually give the tiny wave which makes me seem like 4 years old so i really need to stop that shit

just1n3

the kind of guy that would shake your husband's hand and avoid shaking yours is probably the kind of guy that couldn't get away with shaking your hand without it looking awkward or weaselly.

bnw, yeah i think you have a good point actually.

own that handshake, son

*tiny wave*

I circumvent the problem by extending my hand for a shake, because I will not be politely smiled and nodded at. If the guy kissed my hand a la Gomez Addams, I would punch him in the ding dong.

never hug a girl you've just met btw

unless you're a candy raver.

never friend request a girl in the middle of your date with her (unless it's going really well)

I thought I was a worrier, but I've never thought about these things. To me, meeting someone once is fine justification for facebook friend status, as that alone means very very little.

yeah i agree...i've had people friend me 10 mins after meeting them. it's a good way of potentially staying in touch with someone cool you meet for a v short period of time.

"always meet people twice before da friend request" must be from the same people who gave us "ask for her number the NEXT TIME you see randomly see her at a party."

having set rules about how to interact with people is kinda weird, just~go with the flow~ and don't overthink unless you're some kind of social pariah who needs a cheatsheet or something

I'm so glad I don't treat facebook seriously

facebook is

a difficult issue

this year at school one of my suitemates went abroad so they assigned us this random ROTC kid who is socially inept and prone to curse the jesuits at the top of his lungs whenever the internet goes down. anyways, in the last week or so i noticed he had started talking to some girl. then on sunday i saw that he was officially "In a Relationship" per facebook and my first thought was naturally 'i hope she agreed to this.'

when i asked him about it yesterday morning i was disappointed to find out that no, she hadnt agreed to it. this is his way of "trying to convince her"

Poor girl.

Wow, people really tie themselves in knots over who to friend or not. Unless I actively dislike a person, I'll add anyone. Don't give a shit who wants to look at pictures of me drunk or read my weak witicisms.

My policy is to add people I like. I try not to say anything political or R-rated or personal because my Mormon family reads it, so w/that kind of self-censorship already on hand, might as well add anyone who I think is groovy.

Yeah I'm a lot more brief and non-rude on FB than I ever was on livejournal, where I'll swear up a storm, have started shitfights with ppl and like bringing up challops for people to discuss. Used to anyway - no one is using LJ anymore :(

do people still use AIM?

i <3 gchat

I use MSN all the time! Only cos it's what work people use. Everyone here seems to use AIM but it wont go thru the work firewall poo.

Ahh I want to chat with everyone!!

Trillian will do the lot in one go.

sounds kinky

No thats ChatRoulette

Oh I use Pidgin (nee Gaim). It's like Trillian but is less resource/memory-heavy.