I wonder sometimes if I am the victim of a malicious rumour

:)

just don't touch me.

pardon me?

joeks, daniel, joeks.

no worries!

Taking the OP at face value, I cannot imagine the FB friends who haven't replied or did not seem sufficiently interested in dialogue actually hate this guy. If they really hated him, they never would have added him in the first place.

I seem to honour roughly 50 per cent of requests from HS classmates; of the others, I bounce half and keep others in Friend Request Limbo. People kept their distance from each other for the first 10 years but Facebook prompted a flurry of back in touchness and Christmas drinking.

Wow, this thread is depressing. Glad to see a few people acting like people after the 100+ post lollercoaster.

So, yeah, all questions of why it happened aside, I can vouch for the fact that having a load of people who you thought were your friends suddenly give you the freeze-out fucking sucks. Particularly when there's no clear reason why the freeze-out happened and no one has the decency to discuss it with you. But this is the kind of thing that people do when they're in their teens and early twenties and haven't quite figured out how to have healthy relationships with others built on communication and respect. Given that, it's probably for the best to forget about what happened half a lifetime ago and try to focus on whatever good shit you've got going on in your life now. But I can attest to the fact that it isn't always the easiest thing to do in the wake of nonsense like that in your past. I mean, that one event from forever ago is the root of a lot of trust and intimacy issues I deal with to this day. I think it's also made me a lot more careful about who I involve myself with, as well, though, so I'm pretty happy to have a small circle of people in my life now who I love and trust implicitly. There's shit to learn from bad stuff in the past, but mostly it's just something to shake off and forget about.

OMG THE WORD 'SOCKS' IS IN MY DISPLAY NAME SO I MUST HAVE LOADS OF SOCK PUPPET LOGINS OMG OMG

Don't flatter yourself, ILX. Some people have lives outside of the internet.

So, yeah, all questions of why it happened aside, I can vouch for the fact that having a load of people who you thought were your friends suddenly give you the freeze-out fucking sucks.

Well thats as may be, but the OP says "15 years ago, I was an 18-year-old boy in England". He's talking about someone he hasnt seen or contacted for 15 years. I dont think contacting them now out of the blue demands instant OMG WHERE HAVE YOU BEEEEN IVE MISSED YOOOOOOOOOO delighted responses. In fact, baffled polite distance/silence seems more likely and normal, to me, after a 15 year gap!!

But, that's how I roll, YMMV, etc.

In fact, baffled polite distance/silence seems more likely and normal, to me, after a 15 year gap!!

Naw, I do definitely feel you on that front. I've been Facebooked recently by a couple of people that I went to high school with, and while it's nice to see that they're still out there and apparently doing okay, I haven't exactly felt compelled to arrange a group holiday or anything. I mean, there are loads of reasons beyond simple ill-will why people might not talk to one another for fifteen years and/or maybe aren't the warmest upon resuming contact after a fifteen-year lapse.

There are around half a dozen of us from one MN high school living in London: a writer, an architect, a PR, an ex-chef and an exec at YouTube (we are all in touch but one of these is a close HS friend, so some are more in touch than others). Plus two opera singers in Germany.

I have a bunch of family who went to the same high school or church or grammar school and they're on FB so I end up adding people even if I didn't know them well. Some people like to keep friends and family separate, I respect that. I do feel bad about people who feel distant from their families. But my mom, for example, is the type to remember everyone and ask about everybody from school anyway, so I have to keep up. Then there is the issue of my parents knowing someone else's parents so they get added. I went to private schools though so I feel safer adding someone from school.

Depends on where you grew up, some communities are close knit and if you were mean to so and so at a reunion everyone finds out about it, some people move away and don't want to talk anymore.

i only add people from high school if we're in the same area or still saw each other in college, which is pretty slim.

family is off limits on facebook, except the crazzzy cousinz. as in, NO ONE IN MY FAMILY OVER 30. there's too much weird shit about me floating around.

heh the majority of my close friends are HS related and i am lol old. couldnt give a fuck about the peeps i went to college with tho.

When you contact people that you went to school with, 15/20 years later, they are going to assume you are still that person. Or, that you have changed massively since then. (whichever seems the most fearful option is the one that gets picked)

haven't exactly felt compelled to arrange a group holiday or anything.

Ever since I met up with someone from school (back in the days of Friends Reunited) thinking it was someone else I have avoided this type of thing. The dawning realisation that the person sitting opposite you is actually someone you didn't really know at school is a bit weird.

^^^LOL Ken Yamagita in Fargo, where they sit in the hotel bar as it slowly dawns on Marge Gunderson that the guy she's met didn't know her much.

went to private schools though so I feel safer adding someone from school. UM WAHT, sorry us steel I don't normally highlight others' social insensitivity through the magic of C&P but whoa. My suburban public high school was better than the local private schools; many are.

Classmate reconnections to me always mention a) my choice of music and how it turned out to be prescient b) ditto, but with clothes c) lack of surprise about what I'm doing now. That's fine with me (I'm usually the person approached, not the person doing the approaches). The ones who were horrible in junior high have apologized. Most of the people I'm still in touch with do interesting things. My best friend heads a disability non-profit in DC, and someone I've known since second grade is the costumier on Glee. Someone else is a hard-partying kindergarten teacher. Another friend became a war-zone photographer and another has a landscaping company that does outdoor contemporary art projects - these are great things to be as an adult.

My cousins and I need Facebook so we can covertly fact-check bullshit stories our parents tell about each other. Family members such as uncles are on LIMITED PROFILE and I keep parents of friends and my mom's friends in confirmation purgatory. My mom is not really on the interweb, THANK FUCK, unless her stupid boyfriend has sent her a Breitbart fwd or some other right-wing hornswoggle.

90% of my Facebook friends are high school/middle school classmates and family.

What is "C & P"? Suzy, that may be true for you but I grew up in a lower class area where the "private schools" are usually full of working class kids and this is the only way they can get into college. I mean, all I am trying to say with my posts is that people have cultural and regional differences, in no way did I imply that my experience was definitive and I am so so so sorry if my comments offend. The realities are that anyone can attend a public school, and it's not as if I have NO friends who attended public schools, it's not that they don't like their school, but you know, ANYONE can attend a public school and some of those kids did some damage. You know, kids with criminal records and drug addicts and stuff.

If you went to a public high school with, like, 4,000 people, obviously you are not going to add old schoolmates. I am a real world person, it's not like I hate public schools and certainly wouldn't generalize based on my own experience. I am happy your public school was so wonderful, but what I hear from a lot of people was that they don't want to add just anyone because that is the nature of uh, URBAN, public schools.

Private school - you're more likely to feel comfortable with your former classmates. It's not a class thing or some social snobbery.

So did we ever establish whether the other dude spread rumours?

The rumours were probably spread on some kind of "internet" "message board".

One of the benefits of staying in touch, you can just e-mail or call the guy and confront him about it. My guess based on experience is that someone might have been jealous of their relationship and might be the one spreading the rumors? I am only saying this because it has happened to me a number of times.

Sometimes relationships go sour because of the people around the friends, someone won't grow up and doesn't want THEIR friend hanging around with you. Kind of childish but then some people don't grow out of this thing until well into adulthood.

I'm just kind of assuming that the OP lost contact, everyone moved on, and no one (or the 3) wanted to be friends again 15 years later because, well, it's 15 years later.

Either that, or the OP's holiday-argument-buddy spread rumours about the OP fucking a Portuguese whore to death on holiday.

^^^LOL

C&P = cut and paste. Other than that, u s steel, your explanation with its 'ANYONE can attend' (oh noes!) hasn't really dispelled my earlier concern, but am moving on. Unless the public schools near your childhood home are like the one where the ex-cop teaches in The Wire (and there are schools like that five miles from my old HS) I guess I find your viewpoint a bit strange.

I can understand feeling sad about it, someone lost a dear friend on a bad note. Too bad there were parents involved. If it bothers the person that much, they should, if possible, make an open-ended contact (it doesn't have to be online) letting the friend know that the conflict was regretted. They don't have to respond if it is too difficult, or if they are simply too busy or preoccupied. It might give that person peace of mind too. I don't think this is trivial.

The OP is dealing with two separate issues here - the close friend with whom he (or she) lost contact, and the people on FB who don't want to get back in touch. I'd say the first is worth worrying about, the second, well too bad for those people if they don't want the pleasure of your company. Cut 'em loose.

I don't understand why you misinterpret my "anyone can attend" remark. This is simply a fact. I hear it all the time from people I know who went to public schools. They simply do not know everyone from their old school. Sometimes there are two people with the same name attending the same school! I didn't say it was WRONG that anyone can attend public schools. If my "viewpoint" is strange, perhaps you ought to consider that having all sorts of highly visible careers isn't an option for people from my community - whether from public school or private.

Why would you think that the private schools near my home AREN'T like something out of the Wire? Again, many urban public schools are. By "urban" I don't mean "black" either, this isn't a race thing - these schools had problems when they were majority white, and this is the situation I am talking about with the people I know, not some racist "ghetto" stereotype. I am not familiar with that show, but an ex-cop teaching at high school would not be uncommon. That isn't to make some right-wing argument about the quality of public education.

haven't exactly felt compelled to arrange a group holiday or anything.

Ever since I met up with someone from school (back in the days of Friends Reunited) thinking it was someone else I have avoided this type of thing. The dawning realisation that the person sitting opposite you is actually someone you didn't really know at school is a bit weird.

― Ned Trifle II, Thursday, 18 February 2010 10:06 (1 hour ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

^^^LOL Ken Yamagita in Fargo, where they sit in the hotel bar as it slowly dawns on Marge Gunderson that the guy she's met didn't know her much.

I'm amazed this doesn't happen more often. In my case they were both called Helen and I'd forgotten their surnames. Or rather I'd mixed them up in my head. Honest mistake and you'd think I'd laugh about it now but actually I'm still a bit embarrassed.

I am and was being sincere, however "creepy" and inadequate I might seem. Some posters instictively felt this, and I truly thank those people for offering their thoughts.

r u a lurker?

http://www.whale-images.com/data/media/2/orca-whale-breaking-surface_153.jpg

how did you come across this board and why did you choose this topic for your first post? just curious.

yahoo answers is a wonderful alternative for creepy queries to people you don't know.

I don't think his question was *creepy.* Just maybe asked of a too unfamiliar crowd.

internet

not too invested in grant's identity either way, but idk why:

a) as a total ilx noob you'd ask for the views of a bunch of total strangers,
b) as a lurker/person who knows ilx's MO, you'd post this qn without expecting exactly what happened,
c) as a sock, you'd bother with this...

"i totally clowned ilx by asking a question about facebook"

or alternately, "I proved what massive assholes these guys are by asking an innocuous question and looking at their responses"

proved to whom? anyone who knows ilx... knows ilx

a) as a total ilx noob you'd ask for the views of a bunch of total strangers,

I don't really think that is all that unusual tbh. I've noticed people relating very personal stories/tmi to people they don't really know in all sorts of contexts on the internet. And before ilx was registration only there used to be people randomly finding this place and posting all sorts of weird questions and information.

Grant Singer, this thread might be more helpful and less prone to devolution if you posted more than once a day.

I've noticed people relating very personal stories/tmi to people they don't really know in all sorts of contexts on the internet.

yeah, i guess -- what a crazy world we live in

it will remain crazy unless we make sure to let people know that posting personal ish for the comments of total strangers is not best practice

that is harsh but really though

http://blog.searchenginewatch.com/Running%20the%20Gauntlet%20in%201525.JPG

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/1/1f/Sockpuppet-mugshot.jpg

yeah, i guess -- what a crazy world we live in

it will remain crazy unless we make sure to let people know that posting personal ish for the comments of total strangers is not best practice

that is harsh but really though

That might be, but we do have the individual choice to not idly follow the mob mentality and ROFLcopter the life out of every instance of guileless sincerity we encounter. Unless that's something you're really proud to contribute to and you want ILX to be like every other cesspool of a message board on the interwebs. There are plenty of lulz to be had 'round these parts which don't entail acting like a total douchenozzle.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20081205165918AACCtVF

"mordy's sage advice" made me cry actual tears of lol, kudos to whoever's sock this is, shit is like that scene in being john malkovich imo

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3026537/

"Grant Singer" = "Grin Re: Angst"

This pile-on is pretty much the nail in the coffin of the good old ILX logged-out advice thread, which I've been missing since reg-only. Nosiness, schadenfreude and private ill-informed guessing at the real identity of the threadstarter, all good fun, and I got some real life advice out of them too.

(By which I don't just mean the ones I started - fairly sure there was at least one, but I can't even remember what it was about, whereas I've taken some advice on other people's to heart)

(Can relate to the OP's worries maybe a little too much - an imminent round birthday has had me dwelling on lost friendships, times I was an asshole, whether losing touch has been seen as me being standoffish, etc - but everyone OTM about possible other reasons for reluctance to catch up, plus just getting on with life, I guess)

There's a lot of parallels between primary school and penitentiaries -- you're not there by your own volition, you're thrust into alliances you wouldn't normally make, you can't wait to get out, and your old cellmate contacting you out of the blue sounds like precursor to Bad Things Happening.

Also, Mauritius Roomba.