The ILE bar is now open..............

Good to see everyone here at the end of a work day. Could I have a margarita -- on the rocks, no salt. I say -- I didn't know this bar stocked handsome men for the ordering!

Piggy-Pork Scratchings!! My favourite brand! Have you got the ones which have hairs on? Sometimes, if you're really lucky, you get a nipple in the packet too! Of course I'll stock them in the bar - I'd be delighted. Misu will help you carry the boxes round to the store room.

Lantau eh? How long ago were you there. I have very fond memories of the Frog & Toad (though this is sadly no more now) and joining in the Mud Olympigs there (all for chariddy, mate).

I was in Kowloon Tong (miles from anywhere) to start with, but was lucky enough to move to the island to a smashing flat in Old Peak Road, complete with swimming pool. Oh, happy days!

Here's an Absinthe for you Matt.

Is it true that absinthe makes the heart grow fonder?

Rabbit stew, Anthony? awwwwwww...... cute ickle bunny-wabbits? I couldn't bring myself to cook that. Perhaps if you're peckish you'd like to try this soufflé de sole et coquilles St Jacques au fumet de Gewürztraminer et brunoise de légumes which I just rustled-up in the kitchen for you? It's rather splendid.

It's lucky I live in Oxfordshire, as I am well-placed to go and investigated that Badger wine later today. Do the RSPCA know about this?

Barnacle Bill The Sailor is a bawdy rugby song, which I am far-too- much-of-a-lady to sing for you know (mostly because it is 6am and I am sober).

Who's that knocking at my door? Who's that knocking at my door? Who's that knocking at my door? Cried the Fair Young Maiden................

Did you find yourself a handsome man? I have one here, but he's spoken-for I'm afraid.

*hands a Margarita to Julia*

(sorry if you've been waiting rather a long time for this - I blame it on British Summer Time, continental drift and the angle of dangle)

If you fancy unwinding after work Julia, take your Margarita and toddle along to the jacuzzi room - I think I just saw the New Zealand rugby team headed that way.

*loud crashing sound as another Muse lands head-first on the v-ball court*

Would patrons kindly refrain from Throwing Muses until I have sorted out the paperwork regarding the Muse Throwing Licence?

I thank you

CJ, hello! My name is rainy, I live in Dunedin.

For my drink I would like a singapore sling with about ten or eleven cherries in it.

For the love of all things holy, don't let me drink too much. If my cheeks start to get pink, please would you call me a cab and send me home?

I head to the wonders of the jacuzzi room and romp with the rugby team.

Hello rainy - nice to meet you! Here's your Singapore Sling. Last time I had one of those, I was sitting in the garden of Raffles Hotel. *sigh* I so need a holiday.

Just finished work then? How's NZ today? I've just been chatting to a friend of mine in Hamilton....she loves it over there, but gets homesick for strange things such as Pickled Onion Flavour Monster Munch. I am always sending her Emergency Care Packages!

Misu - I need some breakfast. Fetch me a plate of Marmite soldiers and a cuppa tea would you? Ta.

Misu is a practical cat. As I am about to turn in, I'll just have some sparkling water for now.

Here you are then Ned - a glass of naturally-carbonated Perrier for you.

Night night, sleep tight, and don't let the bed bugs bite!

C J tiptoes over to the jacuzzi room (unnoticed by Anthony and the rugby team, who appear to be somewhat preoccupied) and pours an entire bottle of Badedas bubble bath into the water. She closes the door quietly behind her and quickly returns to the bar, looking all innocent.

The Bubbles ruin a perfectly good backgammon match. Me and Henry, the scrum half, walk out to the cool black night

Can you talk Henry into letting me have his jersey? I don't have a Number 9 in my collection (due to not liking small, wiry, bruised men)

hes not exactly wearing it , is he ?

Did I say he was? I just thought you were better placed to get your hands on it than I - since I'm busy cooking breakfast for everyone etc.

has no one been watching rainy's cheeks!! if that's not pink i don't know what it is!! cab for rainy now!!

*someone call for rainycabs?*

yeah, there you go darlin that's it get in... ah course I spent my young years in the navy you know it were the sixties then took me son to a black sabbath concert the other week he sez "dad, there's nuffink I could buy that can match this" it's the chinese you really got to worry about, well football all a game of cat and mouse these days aint it, i mean sarf korea, dont get it meself.... DUNEDIN? hang on aint that sarf of the river? sorry that'll be extra luv ....anyway course i spent my young years in the navy you know it were the sixties then took me son to a black sabbath concert the uvver week (repeat to fade)

Hey guys I just saw rainy punch a taxidriver outside, oooh it is warm in here *takes off kangaroo mascot head sets it down carefully then pulls tupperware from pouch* Ive had a slooo day , my computers bellybutton imploded. Hey CJ the word on the street is you are a terrific host and I brought you some mongolian fondue, (double dipp while you work) just for hospitalities sake. ummmm If you dont have a live act tonight I was thinking I could change into my cabaret outfit later and sing some solid tunes.

sorry to bother you luv, but you don't happen to have some steak for my eye, do you?

CJ - what's up with the double standards? How ocme Anthiony gets to take the entire rugby team into the sauna, as well as have his monkey defecate all over the bar, yet I go on a morrison-like cock, i mean coke binge, get one testicle caugt in the pool table and your fucking tiger's all over my cock making enough mince meat to cook a few burgers?

Oh, and thanks for getting that pool cue out of my lower intestine - do you know how embarassing it gets having to go up to the emergency ward every time that happens?

Now who's that piece of meat hwo just strolled in the door? Whatever he's having, I'll have him.

ROFLMFAO!!!!

OK, have stopped laughing enough to type again now.

That monkey shite and rugby sauna malarkey was for Anthony's leaving do.

I hardly know him, but I'm missing him already.

I'm sorry that Misu greeted you so enthusiastically - I'm working on his social skills, but he's still a bit too keen I'm afraid. Next time, perhaps you shouldn't bend over quite so far? It seems to encourage him. Still, it was thoughtful of you to lubricate the pool table pockets so thoroughly.

There's a First Aid Room over there - next to the Siesta Room, see? - and I'm sure that Dr Love and his medical team will be happy to look at your mangled bits. They have a magnifying glass and tweezers, I understand. :)

*runs out of the kitchen and slaps a lump of Aberdeen Angus on Taxi Driver's eye*

Hey Jeskam! Cabaret? Sure! What sort of thing do you do? I was thinking of getting some Oompah-Loompahs to make up a string quartet, but a good old singalong sound much more fun.

Can you be ready for, say, 8 o'clock?

Would you like a drink now you're here?

(C J pours herself a glass of wine, and offers the bottle to Jeskam)

*offers QueenOfTheDamned an interesting cocktail as a way of apologising*

How's Rain, by the way? She's gone very quiet over there in the corner.

Rainy doubtless is observing us all with great wonder. Me, right now I just need some aspirin.

Bad headache, Ned? Don't bother with the aspirin, they're not good for you at all.

*C J calls over the two new barmaids, Salma and Halle, and asks them to give Ned a soothing head massage*

Better?

So Cj, what's a pretty ho like you doing in a weird ass cronenberg bar like this?

Are 12 foot lizards really aprt of the Bilderberg group?

Are youor have you ever been funded by the CIA to draw infromation out of unfortunate victims of feline testicular amputations?

And can you lend me some money - the postage on the box I put Anthony's monkey in has cleaned me right out. Still, it'll be worth it when Dubya opens it up and finds that Anthony's monkey has mated with Hanley's ass-bats from hell...

*throws bucket of icy water over Queen*
Sorry, but it needed to be done. I thought you had become hysterical.
A pretty ho like me? *blush*
Oh, I'm just passing through. I thought it would be fun to open a bar for a while.........and it seems to be going pretty well. I've met all sorts of interesting people here.
Perhaps you'd like to help me decide on the Rules for this joint? I've drafted some up, but would welcome your input (as you seem like a seasoned professional alcoholic who'd know just what's needed). (No offense, etc):-
1. No minors allowed. Cruising the junior high schools won't be very fruitful for you when they're all in here.
2. 'Round these parts, we don't take kindly to those who are without retractable genitals.' Think about it.
3. There IS a mandatory orientation period, mandatory as in "Those who refuse to conform will be beaten until morale improves". This orientation process consists of learning how to care - no, care really, very deeply - about whether or not Britney Spears is a whore.
4. Those who enjoy the music of the Virgin Prunes are exempt from all rules.
5. Because of the popularity of this Bar, there will also be an application process that helps us to discover the truly exceptional contributors.... Applicants must secure the following items:
One copy of the Necronomicon, signed by the author.
One ounce of William Burrough's toenail clippings.
Two dead magpies.
A legal document that states the applicant has officially changed his/her name to "big soft."
A bop gun.
How does that sound to you, Queenie? C J
- who has gone mad with boredom on a dull Wednesday -

I appear to be completely unable to post anything which looks even vaguely formatted today.

I keep forgetting you can't just "type and go" on this site. It's really beginning to annoy me........I look like an incompetent fool.

*grumble*

You're not incompetent, yer cool. And your proposed headache remedy is most welcome.

I love them there Virgin Prunes. Yay me!

Hi, I'm Dave, fancy a pint?

(hands Dave a pint of draught Bass

Uh-oh.........someone's been eating those big white mints out of the gents urinals again.

Was that you, Misu?

Damn it, I thought that was where someone had cunningly hidden the coke. Feel a bit ill now...

The Frog & Toad? Oh yes yes yes yes yes. We walked there over the hills (from Mui Wo where we lived - I went back there 2 years ago and now they've got a McD's and lotsa bars - how different my life would have been - and how much fatter!) by the refugee camp, weird. Don't remember how we got back, but it was on water I think. I stayed in Kowloon Tong a little while - made a big change from the island - hearing the traffic all night instead of frogs n cows. Anyway - there's probably someone wants serving, so I'll let you get on. Can I put some posters up? They are classy ones.

It's OK, I don't need to serve drinks any more as I have taken on staff (points to Salma and Halle), and there's always Misu The Talented Bar Cat.

I always used to get back from The Frog & Toad via walla-walla to Cheung Chau, then back via ferry to the island. I can always remember *going* there, but I'm blowed if I can ever remember a trip back!

I have some photos of the Mud Wrestling fun at the Frog & Toad - I'd post them if I only knew how. Never mind.
What a small world, eh?!

*taps foot impatiently* Where's Jeskam - she's supposed to be providing the cabaret at 8pm. It's 10.20pm now, and still no sign.

Perhaps she didn't realise I meant 8pm UK time? That's the trouble with this international set-up.

*C J puts another tune on the juke box instead*


Ahhh......I'm in the mood for some classic 70's punk.


(Starts pogo-ing to The Buzzcocks, trips and falls over, looking stupid. Again.)

hullo! I punched a taxi driver? Maybe I'll just have a cup of tea today then, please. And a sugar biscuit.

s'OK, rainy..........he's has gone now, chased off by a snarling spitting Misu. Considering you had just punched aforementioned taxi driver - hard - in the face, his reluctance to press charges was surprising. Perhaps he realised he should have kept his hands on the steering wheel.

Nice left hook, btw!

(pours a cup of tea for rainy, and hands round a plate of biscuits)

Well........Thursday already. Tempus fugit, and all that jazz. Roll on the weekend. Wonder who's going to call into the bar today? The parcel containing Anthony's monkey has been returned as "Not Known At This Address", so I hope he calls in to claim it. It's a sweet monkey but it's wreaking havoc in the siesta room and to be honest I'm finding the smell is putting me off my breakfast.

ANTHONY!!

Please come and collect your monkey and take him home. He misses you.

CJ darling, anthony's still got his mouth wrapped around the last wino who wandered in here. Just tranquilise the monkey with one of yr cock-tails, and send him home with anthony when he's done...

Now, WHO'S BEEN THROWING COASTERS AT MY FACE?

(removes comically-perched beer mat from Queen's nose)


The last wino? So *that's* where the taxi driver disappeared to!

Anthony! I hope you realise he's had his meter running all night! Oh my, this is going to cost a fortune.


(I would suggest we have a whip-round to help Anthony out here, but on reflection I think this might be entirely the wrong thing to say)

anthony's had enough whip's around to create himself his own rodeo, if you know what i mean...

so CJ, where do you live when you worked in Oz? Any crocodile hunter tales to tell?

I lived in Melbourne - South Yarrah, dahlink! - and loved it. I worked for a German goldmining company - and occasionally I was allowed to tag along on the field trips. Spookily enough, I do have one crocodile story to tell.......

Camping out on one such field trip, the geologists really *did* hide a teeny-tiny baby croc in my sleeping bag one night, for a bit of a larf. Bastages.

*taxi driver emerges from the sauna, bleary, waddling, a black eye, clothes torn, a baby crocodile clamped on his ass. he heads for the door, mumbling something about his solicitor getting in touch*

*Telephone rings*

(C J is heard muttering in the background)

Oh dear.......I've just been speaking to the taxi driver's solicitors, Messrs Shaftem & Scarper. It seems my presence is requested in the conversation pit in their offices immediately.


*C J throws the bar keys over to Misu, and rushes off out into the street, looking worried*


Help yourselves to drinks and nibbles until I get back!

So a man walks into a bar, and he says

Fuck that hurt.

... and then the Mexican gets up and shouts "remember the Alamo?" and throws the Yank out of the plane!

Er... why is there and inverted pentagram chalked onto the wall?

i need a hug my monkey is gone

(C J staggers back into the bar, looking exhausted)

Misu! What are you doing playing with that Harry Potter Dementors' Magic Set For Beginners? Put it away! And take that black velvet hooded robe off Anthony's monkey. You've missed the full moon - that was on Monday - plus I have no idea where you'll find the requisite number of virgins around here so you are probably wasting your time.

Don't argue, Misu. I want those chalk marks cleaned off the wall, too. You don't want me to send you back to the asylum, do you? Right then.

*brushes the chalk dust off Monkey, and hands him back to Anthony*


(C J pours herself a (large) glass of Muscadet, and hands round a large bowl of popcorn to the regulars)


Cheers all! Soon be the weekend. Anyone have any interesting or exciting stuff planned?