Dear Abbott

I mean sorry, I'm making a leap of logic here. This matters to the color because older shittier cars come in different colors than newer ones.

Dear Mr. Driver of the Steen,

Their car is a semi-matte tan and the license plate number is GB4011. I chose that bcz the number on banana stickers is 4011...these guys are bananas! If that is too precious, try JB14763.

I wanted the plate to say "LIVIN"

Oh, you wanted a custom plate...well, I don't know why someone doing crimes would use such an easily noticed plate.

No, you are right on all counts, wise Abbott.

Thoigh that is a thing I say to myself when I'm poor, "Might have to do some crimes to make a livin if things keep this way."

Daerest Abbott,

If you could redesign the Urim and Thummin to look really cool and make a more relaxed religion, what would you do?

Ned

mmm uma thurman

Dear Darraghmac

You are not a treat

Ned

golly, canya tell me where i'm goin wrong?

Dearest Ned,

I was thinking 'no man those things already look cool, but it turned out I was thinking of the Liahona.

Urim & Thummim, some kind of metal breastplate and a magic nez perce (could be mixing name up with tribe named by french fur trappers):

http://www.mormonthink.com/trans3.jpg

Liahona:

http://www.goodbooksandmorelds.com/yahoo_site_admin/assets/images/LDS-Liahona.148190606_std.jpg

So, a totally chill religion: it would have feast days instead of fast Sundays, and I don't think there would actually be church meetings. High fives instead of prayers. The music of Andrew W.K. as hymns; he can be the prophet, too. He's as close as I have to a spiritual leader.

Abbott-

How come you never hang out on the sub-boards?

-gr8080

Dear Grady,

I have started peering at them as of yesterday. Trying to work out the vibe before I jump in. This step is most likely pointless. I would appreciate if you could perhaps give me a pros/cons list of the better sub-boards.

Oh and Noize had a few sentences about me on o_O, one of them said "tap dat abbott ass" and I was a bit uncomfortable with that.

Yours,
Abbott

Dear AbBOT

why?

That is no more than an appreciation of yer beauty.

Dear Heave Ho,

In my first college literature class, there was a Shakespeare sonnet where he compared a woman's breast to an apple. This made me imagine a man next to a women who had these Red Delicious apples glued to her flat torso, one of which had a cartoon-style bite out of it, both comical and disturbing. In a similarly literal-minded bent, it made me imagine one of those cartoony faucet-pumps being attached to one of my butt cheeks. It's a phrase I've never really liked, along the lines of "jump (his or her) bones." Also, everyone seemed eager to do that whereas Tombot seemed all bummed about Ebert three-way. Ebert was a separate thing.

I was trying to find a still from the "Booty Juice" video from Fear of a Black Hat, but alas that GIS turned up much less humorous results.

Abbs -

Whyfor do you say boxers are kind of dipshits? They are pretty smart, imo. I've known many, and a couple of 'em were even guide-dogs. Granted, they have somewhat goofy personalities, and are certainly capable of over-enthusiasm.

PS - Allegations of dipshittery notwithstanding, I am very happy to hear that you have rescued boxdogs from neglectful conditions.

Dear Oilyrags,

They can be smart, certainly, but seemingly impossible to train, and they have way too much enthusiasm and energy for yours truly. In general I don't care for their personalities, which seem sub-Marmaduke at best. I do like this picture, though:

http://www.pyzam.com/img/funnypics/animals/boxer-lol.jpg

I wish people didn't cut their ears or tails. I do have to admit the tailless wigglebut is funny. It's just an asshole move, to cut ears and tails off.

dear abbott,
i need to make some quick, quick cash. my shittybumcrappola jobs aren't really bringing home the cash i require. any ideas? something relatively legal and not involving sex or sex-related acts would be good.

xRR

Dear Rubredd,

Sucks hard, sorry. They probably won't let you work extra hours, will they? Aside from selling mad amounts of CDs/movies (depressing), I've always been terrible at making quick cash. I started a thread on this once and it's got crap advice, but it's all I got. (How can I get http://www.ilxor.com/ILX/ThreadSelectedControllerServlet?boardid=40&threadid=4692760 dollars in one day? As in today.) All best.

Whoa, that turned out weird.

Brandy the tungdog RIP.

;_;

She got a tanline ON HER TONGUE in the summer! wau.

thanks abbott. if i was less inhibited i would probably maybe but not likely take up some of those suggestions on that thread.

no dice for extra hours: not available, plus i've got two summer classes to keep up with, and i'm already working more than 40hrs p/wk.

Dear abbott,

have you gotten another pup since your jackass neighbors lost your last one? Plz post pics if so.

If not, plz post mor pics of basset-pit slobber machine.

Dear kingfish,

It's just the good old Snitter it stands. I'm always happy to show off pics of da happy widdle guy:

Trying to catch a bee:

http://i45.photobucket.com/albums/f86/igotabeefpastry/dimefly.jpg

Crouching when he pees:

http://s45.photobucket.com/albums/f86/igotabeefpastry/?action=view¤t=peeing.jpg

Ahem:

http://i45.photobucket.com/albums/f86/igotabeefpastry/peeing.jpg

Reposing:

http://i45.photobucket.com/albums/f86/igotabeefpastry/yardsnit.jpg

Getting cuddles on spaces he can't really fit in:

http://i45.photobucket.com/albums/f86/igotabeefpastry/lapsnit.jpg

Oops...middle pic not meant to be so grande loco.

Dear Abbott,

I didn't want to start a thread on this so I am asking you, plus I think you might know, is it OK to eat caulflower if it's a couple of weeks old and has some black stuff on it?

Kip

Dear Kip,

I strongly suspect it is far from safe, and if you want cauliflower that badly, a new one would cost $2. That investment is worth a lot more than potential food sickness or other health disasters.

Yrs,
Abbott

Dear Abbott,

Is that really you up there with Joseph Smith?

Dear sir,

Yes it is.

Abbott

new holy trinity: abbott, joseph smith, ray smuckles

Dear Abbott,

Was that Joe Smith photo taken the third or fourth time Jesus smoked peyote?

I already ate it FUCK

Dear Hoos,

It was actually an unfortunate night where we had nothing but MD 20/20 and valium. So he was all, "Hey let's totally prank this New York 14-year-old farmer," as you can plainly see.

Hey wanko I've eaten some with little black spots on before and lived.

Dear Abbot,

can you send me some valium?

Yeah it was in a bag with broccoli and carrots both of which looked fine. Cauliflower is fickle.

Who's on first?

Dear M.V.,

Prof E. Reed Gilbert, the mime with dentures

Dear Abbie

What is your opinion of this video a friend of mine got off Egyptian tv?

Dear fellow person of the cloth,

How great are Dude N' Nem?

Dear Heave Ho,

I definitely think modern music performances need more epileptic angles and domesticated ducks. Could only be improved by her having an equally saucy and weird curly red-haired counterpart alá tATu.

Dear Revrand,

They are totally great and I can't stop looking at their feet. Plus, none of my coworkers have spoiled them for me bu having a song of theirs as a ringtone that I hear every 15 seconds.

Daer Abbott,

I am submitting this story to the Southwest Review. Based on sheer numbers and having nothing to do with story quality, I'm expecting my VERY FIRST REJECTION LETTER in about a month. Should I frame the rejection letter y/n

hollatchaboy

p.s. "rejection slip" probably more accurate than "letter"

Dears HOOS,

Hell yes you should frame it, maybe with some of those stickers you get on scrapbook stores.

Dear Abbottbot,

Would you consider replacing your carrot juice with barbecue sauce?