suicide

Glad you're feeling better...you can remember that in the future, too, if you're ever feeling shit again: that those feelings don't last forever. That is my main pulling-through-things strategy/

this is so awesome:

if you're posting here, then almost by definition:

you're a good person
we love you
nabisco (among others) understands you
you are less crazy than . . . many of us

― mookieproof, Saturday, September 26, 2009 2:58 AM

It is indeed awesome. Y'know, fuck people saying internet forums are "fake" cause you don't have real contact. If it can help you, give you comfort, then why the fuck not use a forum as a way to get out of the black hole. Anything to get away from the misery is A OKAY in my fucking book. Also, HUGGELZ to you all. You're great people.

I'm not so sure. Speaking as someone who posted a pathetic cry for help a few years ago which had absolutely fuck all personal response or reassurance (and got dragged up for shits and gigglez on the noize board or 77 or somewhere into the bargain), it really didn't help at all. If you catch the board on a quiet day, or a day when everyone's too busy posting lolcatz to read a personal thread, it can be another kick that you really don't need.

I mean, by all means, post away. It works for a lot of people. But it can have the completely opposite of giving you comfort. If you're already dangerously down, an addtional bout of "oh fuck, even people who don't KNOW me can't even be arsed to talk me down here" really doesn't help.

Of course, Ailsa. I am also sorry that I didn't catch the cry for help. I always do try to answer. What I meant was: that if you do find response, why not? Any way to get out of a black hole is good for me. The best option is of course finding someone in your immediate circle to help, but some people are really alone, y'know.

Oh yes, I understand that. But I'm just not convinced that ILX is always the cuddlestein answer (though obv it is a lot of the time, and one bad experience doesn't detract from all the good ones). It's a really bad time to find out firsthand that it's not always filled with instant goodness and answers and support.

Yes, sometimes ILX makes me really, really mad, too...it's a 'well-rounded' place in re emotional experiences.

sort of like: life

glad to see that ilxors helped pumpkin

sort of like: life

indeed! except I get mad at ILX way, way, way less often than I do at life in general.

Ailsa, that's terrible! ILX fail. >:-(

sort of like: life

Sort of, but not really. ILX is great, but I'm not convinced it's a good place for people who are making a "desperate cry for help," notwithstanding the many smart, sympathetic posters here.

And that's life too in a way: not a place to find help. People have muffled ears when it comes to other people's cries.

*sigh*

you ok E?

no

What's up?

VERY long story. best not to go into it here.

yo man don't kill yourself ok? let me just say that straight. do not kill yourself. as sure as we are both posting on this board & have been for a long time, together in a distant sense, you will soon say "I am super-stoked I did not kill myself on 5/20/10, when I felt so fuckin bad I was sure I wanted to die." OK? Because I spent most of 2009 really really actively wanting to die. And now I am stoked to be alive. As I was you now are. Are I now am you will be in less time than you think. I think I speak on behalf of the board when I say we're all here to listen if you need an ear but the main thing is do whatever you gotta do to hold on, OK? your fellow ilx poster of, what, like a decade now, uaaIhl

hey, what j0hn said. please.

thanks ... for real.

i should take this offline.

so this is j0hn d speaking?!?

thirding aerosmith's post. ppl are here, dude

yeah

because people copy and paste my posts to quote elsewhere I now post under variants of a name & hope that people who've known me a while can address me by my preferred name, aerosmith, and refer to me that way, in perpetuity

however you can call me Rex Reed if it gives you lols and makes you feel better dude

apologies for using your other screen name. i didn't realize that was your motivation for the change.

referring to you as Steven Tyler as kosher move, y/n? ;-)

it's OK -- i know j0hn D, so i feel a bit more comfortable w/ a name i recognize.

:-)

it's ok y'all anything that might distract eisbaer from his pain for a minute is cool by me - I mean seriously, what is the likelihood that a very, very high % of posters on a generally music-oriented board don't know what it feels like to wanna take arms against a sea of troubles, etc? we have all been there. a bunch of times. all in our own ways, for our own reasons, and they all seemed insurmountable at the time. and if we're still here then we can say that some perspective taught us that on balance it was best to stay alive. that it was "worth it," even though, y'know, fuck pain. but distract yourself, man. keep your mind free from the source of the pain until you see some light. you can do it. you will be glad you did.

i know, and that's what everyone keeps saying. and i am trying. but i feel like i'm stuck w/ a tar baby.

i just don't see a good or easy way out of the jam that i am in, even if i manage to survive. and i don't know if i want to survive, anyway.

1) It's a cliche, but it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Mike may be being somewhat facetious, but what he says is true. Even if you feel like you are trapped in an unworkable situation, you have not tried every option. Quit your job, leave your home, there are a thousand things you can change. Even if the worst thing you can possibly imagine happens to you (and trust me, I've been there) it's still less final than being dead. Sure, no matter where you go, you will still be yourself, and the same problems may resurface, and you can't change your life until you've changed yourself, but fuck. Wouldn't it be better to change yourself, even temporarily, rather than end yourself forever?

months I spent feeling like that in '09: March - December

now I'm not just "better," I'm runnin' shit

i GOT into this jam by trying to be "runnin' shit"

I mean, real talk: you are experiencing a psychiatric emergency. you need to call somebody who's better qualified than anybody here to help you find a perspective that helps you. I'm not saying "get off this thread," this thread is also gonna help I'd guess, but your latter part - "i don't know if i want to survive, anyway" - that's the part a pro can really get you some clarity on. because you do. you just can't see that you do, because the pain is clouding your vision.

because you do. you just can't see that you do, because the pain is clouding your vision.

i know. and i agree. though i'm also still here because i'm a pussy who hates pain and messes.

but really, it's so hard.

i also wish that trife were still here to gimme shit for using a term like "tar baby."

i know i'll survive. but it's still hell.

what aeroJD said, Eisbaer -- talk to a pro, and we need you.

E, do you have people who are there for you in real life supporting you through this?

who doesn't hate pain? but it's a temporary condition. really, you gotta step back a little. that is what tv & the internet & comic books & small around-the-house tasks are for. your pain, even at its greatest, will subsist, and clarity will return, and you'll say, whoa fuck, I was really down there in the fucking pit, sure am glad I got the fuck out of there.

I mean seriously dude there can't be anybody here who hasn't been exactly where you're at, for different reasons/via different routes but at the same spot. look to their/our examples and know: you climb up through whatever means, and you live to tell your pain that you were stronger than it was.

E, do you have people who are there for you in real life supporting you through this?

yeah. but i am driving them to their wits' end right now. plus only one have i told at any length about what i am contemplating (b/c he tried to do it to himself so he knows what it's like).

I, for one, would hate to lose you having never met you. Hang in there.

Please don't worry about your peoples' wits right now. If anything, think of it as a wits loan.

God bless you, suzy.

just pray for me, if you do that. that's all i ask now.

Keeping you in my thoughts, sir. Keep all that's been said upthread to heart.

that means a lot to me right now, Ned.

Thinking of you dude, and looking forward to the day when all of this is over for you and the pain is gone.

I need you, Eisebaer. Never having met you is small potatoes compared to the lasting daily pleasure you and so many others here provide. I got you.

I, for one, would hate to lose you having never met you. Hang in there.

I second this.