The ILE bar is now open..............

Uh-oh........Queen of the Porches Leaving Their Men Club G appears to have a certain part of his anatomy stuck in one of the pockets of the pool table.

Well, I'm not going to try and get that out. Da Management are not responsible if their clientele's shenanigins get out of hand.

*C J calls Misu over and whispers into his ear*

Misu winks, and saunters over towards the pool table........

thanks ned! :)

did you whisper "mousey", CJ?

Hey CJ, welcome barkeep. Mine's a nice bison-grass vodka on the rocks.

Dubrowka!! Sure-fire hangover cure. And cause.

Hey Suzy ..... here's your wodka!

Yep, Misu's a vicious little mouser. He has no regard for life (human or otherwise) at all in fact and will, without any hesitation or remorse, tear eyeballs out and/or remove all the skin from a person's body upon my command.

He seems to have dealt with the appendage which was wedged in the pool table quite nicely, don't you think? Shame it looks like something which people cook for dinner now. Ah well.

Well, I'm on the neat vodka 'cos of too many WHITE RUSSIAN MILKSHAKES. This is my Barkeep Test, can you make this?

White Russian Milkshakes, eh?

*C J mixes Kahlua, Vodka and ice-cold milk together in the blender, pours carefully into a glass for Suzy, and really really hopes she has got this one right*

Sorry I'm tough, my dad and sis are both bartenders and that's a standard white russian you've made there. You are English, you think milk is a primary milkshake ingredient when in fact you need at least 4 big scoops of vanilla Haagen-dasz and only a tiny bit of milk as lube for the ice cream. Ideally you must be able to stand a straw up in the milkshake and then fall over after drinking one.

Suzy is Badass, and this is why we love her so.

the green tea scream shake is HD, green tea powder, and the bison grass stuff. Mwahahaha.

Could I have a glass of lemonade please?

sambuca on the rocks please. followed by a boilermaker.

OK, Suzy........one *proper* White Russian Milkshake coming right up. Mmmmmm.......Haagen-dasz........heaven!!

Just a lemonade DG? Are you sure? I'm glad one of us is staying sober. There are a lot of very squiffy people in here and I'm afraid it's all going to go a bit downhill soon. I hope it doesn't degenerate into one of those riotous evenings where we all lurch about singing "Barnacle Bill The Sailor" and other such tasteful rugby songs!

*hands a sambuca to Chris* A Boilermaker too, eh? Beer and whisky sounds a lethal concoction, but here goes .........

C J helps herself to a glass of white wine, kicks off her shoes, and finally starts to unwind after a dismal day at work.

Anyone watch any tennis today?

"Wanna buy some Death Sticks?"

what is barnacle bill the sailor.

*hic*

Sorry about that, already had a few tonight.

Anyway, a pint of best and bag of pork scratchings please.

Oh, and my names Richard, I'm an old man round these parts and I like ale, badgers, DFW and Throwing Muses.

Perhaps those muses don't want to be thrown. Do you have a permit?

hello, can I speak to CJ please, I have come here to sell you Piggy- Pork-Scratchings for your bar, but I notice that you are already stocking *a competitor's brand* Therefore I will do you a deal whereby I will give you a year's supply of Piggy-Pork-Scratchings for free if you let me in. I also did live and work in Hong Kong, so we will chat about that while you are trying to mend the Baileys optic as it has become gunged up. I wil say, oh, I lived on Lantau, where did you live? I notice your are busy so can I please hand these Piggy- Pork-Scratchings keyrings out to your regulars?

Can I have a bowl of rabbit stew and a handsome naked man please

for ricky

The Chablis restored my spirits beautifully, thanks. I have now finished work for the week, and therefore demand ABSINTHE.

Good to see everyone here at the end of a work day. Could I have a margarita -- on the rocks, no salt. I say -- I didn't know this bar stocked handsome men for the ordering!

Piggy-Pork Scratchings!! My favourite brand! Have you got the ones which have hairs on? Sometimes, if you're really lucky, you get a nipple in the packet too! Of course I'll stock them in the bar - I'd be delighted. Misu will help you carry the boxes round to the store room.

Lantau eh? How long ago were you there. I have very fond memories of the Frog & Toad (though this is sadly no more now) and joining in the Mud Olympigs there (all for chariddy, mate).

I was in Kowloon Tong (miles from anywhere) to start with, but was lucky enough to move to the island to a smashing flat in Old Peak Road, complete with swimming pool. Oh, happy days!

Here's an Absinthe for you Matt.

Is it true that absinthe makes the heart grow fonder?

Rabbit stew, Anthony? awwwwwww...... cute ickle bunny-wabbits? I couldn't bring myself to cook that. Perhaps if you're peckish you'd like to try this soufflé de sole et coquilles St Jacques au fumet de Gewürztraminer et brunoise de légumes which I just rustled-up in the kitchen for you? It's rather splendid.

It's lucky I live in Oxfordshire, as I am well-placed to go and investigated that Badger wine later today. Do the RSPCA know about this?

Barnacle Bill The Sailor is a bawdy rugby song, which I am far-too- much-of-a-lady to sing for you know (mostly because it is 6am and I am sober).

Who's that knocking at my door? Who's that knocking at my door? Who's that knocking at my door? Cried the Fair Young Maiden................

Did you find yourself a handsome man? I have one here, but he's spoken-for I'm afraid.

*hands a Margarita to Julia*

(sorry if you've been waiting rather a long time for this - I blame it on British Summer Time, continental drift and the angle of dangle)

If you fancy unwinding after work Julia, take your Margarita and toddle along to the jacuzzi room - I think I just saw the New Zealand rugby team headed that way.

*loud crashing sound as another Muse lands head-first on the v-ball court*

Would patrons kindly refrain from Throwing Muses until I have sorted out the paperwork regarding the Muse Throwing Licence?

I thank you

CJ, hello! My name is rainy, I live in Dunedin.

For my drink I would like a singapore sling with about ten or eleven cherries in it.

For the love of all things holy, don't let me drink too much. If my cheeks start to get pink, please would you call me a cab and send me home?

I head to the wonders of the jacuzzi room and romp with the rugby team.

Hello rainy - nice to meet you! Here's your Singapore Sling. Last time I had one of those, I was sitting in the garden of Raffles Hotel. *sigh* I so need a holiday.

Just finished work then? How's NZ today? I've just been chatting to a friend of mine in Hamilton....she loves it over there, but gets homesick for strange things such as Pickled Onion Flavour Monster Munch. I am always sending her Emergency Care Packages!

Misu - I need some breakfast. Fetch me a plate of Marmite soldiers and a cuppa tea would you? Ta.

Misu is a practical cat. As I am about to turn in, I'll just have some sparkling water for now.

Here you are then Ned - a glass of naturally-carbonated Perrier for you.

Night night, sleep tight, and don't let the bed bugs bite!

C J tiptoes over to the jacuzzi room (unnoticed by Anthony and the rugby team, who appear to be somewhat preoccupied) and pours an entire bottle of Badedas bubble bath into the water. She closes the door quietly behind her and quickly returns to the bar, looking all innocent.

The Bubbles ruin a perfectly good backgammon match. Me and Henry, the scrum half, walk out to the cool black night

Can you talk Henry into letting me have his jersey? I don't have a Number 9 in my collection (due to not liking small, wiry, bruised men)

hes not exactly wearing it , is he ?

Did I say he was? I just thought you were better placed to get your hands on it than I - since I'm busy cooking breakfast for everyone etc.

has no one been watching rainy's cheeks!! if that's not pink i don't know what it is!! cab for rainy now!!

*someone call for rainycabs?*

yeah, there you go darlin that's it get in... ah course I spent my young years in the navy you know it were the sixties then took me son to a black sabbath concert the other week he sez "dad, there's nuffink I could buy that can match this" it's the chinese you really got to worry about, well football all a game of cat and mouse these days aint it, i mean sarf korea, dont get it meself.... DUNEDIN? hang on aint that sarf of the river? sorry that'll be extra luv ....anyway course i spent my young years in the navy you know it were the sixties then took me son to a black sabbath concert the uvver week (repeat to fade)

Hey guys I just saw rainy punch a taxidriver outside, oooh it is warm in here *takes off kangaroo mascot head sets it down carefully then pulls tupperware from pouch* Ive had a slooo day , my computers bellybutton imploded. Hey CJ the word on the street is you are a terrific host and I brought you some mongolian fondue, (double dipp while you work) just for hospitalities sake. ummmm If you dont have a live act tonight I was thinking I could change into my cabaret outfit later and sing some solid tunes.

sorry to bother you luv, but you don't happen to have some steak for my eye, do you?

CJ - what's up with the double standards? How ocme Anthiony gets to take the entire rugby team into the sauna, as well as have his monkey defecate all over the bar, yet I go on a morrison-like cock, i mean coke binge, get one testicle caugt in the pool table and your fucking tiger's all over my cock making enough mince meat to cook a few burgers?

Oh, and thanks for getting that pool cue out of my lower intestine - do you know how embarassing it gets having to go up to the emergency ward every time that happens?

Now who's that piece of meat hwo just strolled in the door? Whatever he's having, I'll have him.

ROFLMFAO!!!!

OK, have stopped laughing enough to type again now.

That monkey shite and rugby sauna malarkey was for Anthony's leaving do.

I hardly know him, but I'm missing him already.

I'm sorry that Misu greeted you so enthusiastically - I'm working on his social skills, but he's still a bit too keen I'm afraid. Next time, perhaps you shouldn't bend over quite so far? It seems to encourage him. Still, it was thoughtful of you to lubricate the pool table pockets so thoroughly.

There's a First Aid Room over there - next to the Siesta Room, see? - and I'm sure that Dr Love and his medical team will be happy to look at your mangled bits. They have a magnifying glass and tweezers, I understand. :)

*runs out of the kitchen and slaps a lump of Aberdeen Angus on Taxi Driver's eye*

Hey Jeskam! Cabaret? Sure! What sort of thing do you do? I was thinking of getting some Oompah-Loompahs to make up a string quartet, but a good old singalong sound much more fun.

Can you be ready for, say, 8 o'clock?

Would you like a drink now you're here?

(C J pours herself a glass of wine, and offers the bottle to Jeskam)

*offers QueenOfTheDamned an interesting cocktail as a way of apologising*

How's Rain, by the way? She's gone very quiet over there in the corner.

Rainy doubtless is observing us all with great wonder. Me, right now I just need some aspirin.