Is the Guardian worse than it used to be?

Maybe his next column will be about how "Ironic" by Morrisette isn't ironic.

That would be ironic, wouldn't it? oh wait...

"I was listening to the Sex Pistols' punk version of God Save The Queen - a song that I must have heard a trillion times since its release in 1978 - when it suddenly hit me how anti-Royalist the lyric is."

DAVE SIMPSON-A NORTHERN MUSIC CRITIC TM

Dave Simpson pictured on his way to sign on, there.

The lyric to Macarthur Park is perfectly understandable, btw.

He looks like a supply teacher

"I was listening to the Human League's New Romantic version of Don't You Want Me - a song that I must have heard a trillion times since its release in 1978 - when it suddenly hit me how it's got two singers on it."

"I was listening to Elvis Presley's country and western version of Heartbreak Hotel - a song that I must have heard a trillion times since its release in 1978 - when it suddenly hit me how miserable the lyric is."

He looks like a supply teacher

Supply games teacher who tries to pal around with the kids, then peeps as thy get changed.

I was listening to Jimi Hendrix's proto-metal version of Purple Haze - a song that I must have heard a trillion times since its release in 1978 - when it suddenly hit me how it sounds a little bit like he's saying "Excuse me while I kiss this guy".

Dave Simpson is a Guardian music critic. He once admitted to hating the Beatles.

Toooo controversial.

"I was listening to Elton John's Royalist version of Candle In The Wind '97 - a song that I must have heard a trillion times since its release in 1978 - when it suddenly hit me how the lyric was nothing to do with the famous Two Ronnies 'Four Candles' sketch."

"I was listening to the leaves blowing through the trees - a sound that I must have heard a trillion times since its release in Genesis Book 1 - when it suddenly hit me how me and everyone I know will die one day, and I spent years listening to the Charlatans"

Best if we leave Laura Barton out of this...

Wow, this is good stuff !!!

"I was listening to Dunblane's country and western version of Throw Those Guns Away - a song that I must have heard a trillion times since its release in 1978 - when it suddenly hit me how nobody has actually thrown away their guns. What was the point of that, then? Eh? Eh?"

"I was listening to Michael Jackson's 1991 hit 'Black Or White' - a song that I must have heard a trillion times since its release in 1978 - when it suddenly hit me how it was ironic that he sang 'It doesn't matter if you're black or white', considering that he has changed his own skin, from black, to make himself more white, so it seems to matter, to you, Mr Jackson!!"

I was listening to Michael Jackson's Billie Jean - a song that I must have heard a trillion times since its release in 1983 - when it suddenly hit me that I'd left the oven on."

I was listening to Outkast's "Hey Ya!" - a song that I must have heard a trillion times since I got into Gangsta Rap last week - when it suddenly hit me that it was time for me to go and sign on.

surely you mean 1978

"I was listening to The Beatles' Helter Skelter - a song that I must have heard a trillion times since its release in 1968 - when it suddenly occurred to me I had to kill everyone on this thread."

Beatles jokes stopped being funny 40 years ago.

"I was listening to Lloyd Cole's Argentinian tango version of My Bag - a song that I must have heard a trillion times since its release in 1978 - when the drunk sitting behind me on the bus suddenly cleaved my scalp in twain with an axe after I refused to give him 10p. Luckily we both saw the funny side."

Very strange.

The print version of FILM & MUSIC splashes a Petridis line in big letters. 'AC-DC's sound is like Noel Edmonds' hair - unaltered since 1974'.

Uh? Noel Edmonds' hair is most definitely altered since 1974. As PJ Miller unforgettably put it, he no longer looks like a lion. This is such an utterly misleading, wrong-headed simile, and it has been picked up and enlarged as a Petridis high point.

Guardian blogger on my Facebook friends list was on some "Mr Petridis, I respectfully disagree" ish on his blog. So he should be expecting his P45 in Monday's post.

tiswas! who remembers tiswas? the seventies! spacehoppers and...sweets they don't make anymore and...um...um...kojak!

it were right daft

I remember seeing a picture of him accompanying an interview in the observer- it was after he'd shaved his beard off 'for farmers'. His evil was totally apparent. Nasty little eyes.

This
http://www.holdthefrontpage.co.uk/010428well.shtml
doesn't quite do it justice, but conveys some of the flavour.

"I have never seen Dad without a beard before and I am quite traumatised by the result"

Charlotte Edmonds

And on April 27, live on the breakfast show GMTV, Noel finally met his 'Mach'.

^^^v good

it was after he'd shaved his beard off 'for farmers'

what, were they moaning about it tickling?

cockfarmers amirite?

http://www.viz.co.uk/picture_viz_library/dir_0/viz_character_17.gif

Petridis shaved off his beard?

The Guardian's London Graduate Fair is a sham and almost a waste of time. I'd like a job or at least some genuine careers advice, not a thinly-veiled excuse for corporations to try and sell me their "essential" courses. All the constructive stuff I can do sitting here on my laptop; the "interactivity" element of these events is transparently fake. And yeah I'd love to go into financial management. Sure thing.

You can take your NCTJ and shove it you know where.

Fortunately in my desperation I took to wandering into the surrounding studios, with (potentially) greater success. And at least I had a decent chat with someone who was eager to meet my expectations with genuine, untempered advice. Down in the main battleground, you needed a pinch of salt for practically every second step you took.

For a second I misread that last but one post as saying "Petridish shaved off his head."

tiswas! who remembers tiswas? the seventies! spacehoppers and...sweets they don't make anymore and...um...um...kojak!

what was this post all about then? eh? eh?

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/lostinshowbiz/2008/oct/29/lilyallen-celebrity?commentid=1e01f3e1-ee00-40a9-8f2e-730a5beef983

To be read in 'sarcastic priest from Father Ted' voice, obv

Chiefly notable for the presumably real Lily Allen comment immediately following it, I presume?

it's a fun comments section, that's for damn sure.

The whole CiF section irritates me. Fuck a right to reply.

Though it pains me to say it, I'm actually on Lily's side here.

Jeezus. Hyde does come over as such a pompous idiot. She thinks that inserting 'darlings' into every other sentence makes her wise and witty.

haaaa omg why have i been alerted to that when i have time sensitive work to be doing!!! i heart marina hyde so much. i hadn't checked LIS for ages cuz she didn't seem to be doing it any more.

I don't think she shd have posted murray's responses (or continue to deride him when he obviously seems quite hurt by her ridicule) in the comments; had he wanted them public I'm sure he's perfectly capable to navigate to the comments (even tho he said "feel free to print this")

she doesn't seem to understand tht "joeks bruv" doesn't quite cut it when you have the audience and reach tht the guardian has

Don't forget she used to cut it with Piers Morgan.

Cozen is correct: with incredible lameness and laziness, she keeps saying 'it's all a bit of a giggle' and 'can't you take a joke?'. But her own tone is not funny. And isn't she at all ashamed to feel that her life and career revolves around things apparently so insubstantial that if anyone complains about them she can say they are entirely unserious and don't matter?

And isn't she at all ashamed to feel that her life and career revolves around things apparently so insubstantial that if anyone complains about them she can say they are entirely unserious and don't matter?

exactly! it must be an awesome life being marina hyde: existing so far up your own arsehole that you never have to engage with anything other than the occasional piece of celebrity-culture waste matter.

LOIS

Fine if you feel that strongly then by all means run. But I'm warning you I'm not going to pull any punches on the issues.

PETER

(holding sandwich in front of face) Oh I'm Lois, look at me with my big ideas and my pointy nose. nana nana na.

LOIS

Oh boy, this will be even easier then running unopposed.

PETER

Is that so? Well I'm not only gonna beat you. I'm gonna eat your nose.

LOIS

See you on the campaign trail.

Lily Allen comes off very well compared to Hyde above. What is this British obsession with bemoaning celebrity culture in the most boring ways imaginable, and pretending these rants aren't a worse side-effect of it anwyay?

These days when I open "Lost in Showbiz" I can barely read a line, it's just so bilious but all that's there is bile. "Oh wouldn't you know it/don't you just love it" etc etc. Tell me something you care about or something worth hearing, not something that's oh so jaded and predictable.

The pathetic part is that you read equally smart assed celeb coverage in London Lite or whatever but it's not pretending to be above it all.

"Ms Hyde, i feel i have become a happier person since i started reading your column, and I should like to thank you from the bottom of my stony black heart. You should marry Charlie Brooker and have lots of lovely cynical babies. Thanks again"

Seriously wtf is wrong with these people? "I dislike celebs I am so smart!" Is that what the Guardian is reduced to for a laugh now?

Working in PR must be like selling your soul to the devil - poor darlings.

It's all rubbish, Garda. Best to ignore them and hope that your own life is a little more substantial and worthy than theirs.