Dear Abbott

dear abbott,

i dont know you, but you look almost exactly like my ex girlfriend, except with a better rack, and i am scared now

cheers,

the s1r weeze

a better rack

Fine choice of words here.

Maybe you English-speakers could tell me, can the word "rack" (as related to the female physionomy) used so it wouldn't sound sleazy, because it always sounds kind sleazy to me?

CD rack?

rack C/D?

Abbot,

Are there some things that are just unforgiveable? Are some relationships doomed from the start or if you work hard enough can you make them work?

Max

Dear Max,

What did you do?

Joe

Dearest Abbott,

Can the word "rack" (as related to the female physionomy) used so it wouldn't sound sleazy?

Yours,
Ken

Dear Abbott

I wanted to start a thread on geese but out of fear that it would rapidly wither and die I opted not to. Did I make the right decision?

Nick

Dear Abbott,

Should Ken c have shish, doner or kofte tonight?

Ed

Dear Tuomas,

Patience be with you, my fine Finnish friend. I adore "Love and Its Glory." Have you heard "Le Fleur"? WHOA.

Sex is best after the first date, esp. if she is like, "I have a special gift for you...is condom?"

Dear Mr. Fish,

As I have not witnessed a public display of man-on-animal violence for many years, no opportunities for icing have arrived. I have stolen boxers and other dogs from backyards in which they have been chained to a three-foot diameter of space in which they are forced to shit. They have been clearly underfed. I take them to the boxer rescue. Boxers are kind of dipshits.

Dear Grady,

I am not aware of the public rating of sass. However, it's a pretty cheap attribute.

Dear Ed,

You were clearly possessed by the spirit of Bacchus, who can be a real fucking penishead.

Dear Ken,

Always (R)etry. If that doesn't work: dir/w, c: that one program equivalent to the screensaver where the stars are coming at you. Trippy shit.

Dear Mr. C,

An ounce of hangover prevention is worth a pound of cure. More specifically, drink eight ounces of water for each alcoholic beverage on the same night yr boozing it up. At the very least it makes you go peepee frequently enough to stave off that extra couple drinks that will put you over the edge. Eat a piece of bread or some other starch before retiring. If you are still got getting the hanged over the next morning, I recommend a cheese omelet with a giant coca-cola classic the next morning at some quiet diner.

Dear everyone,

The word "rack" is completely hilarious and barely offensive, if at all. I do not think it is the sleaze compared with many other terms for bazongas.

Dear Mr. Max,

According to Jesus, forgiveness is paramount. Such is the philosophy with which I was born and not very raised. However, if you cannot forgive someone, do not pressure yourself into doing so. I have done that on occasion and felt like an internal hypocrite. Do not let your unforgiveness turn into your own personal Chateau d'If, though.

I do not know that some relationships are doomed from the start, but if it is giving you more pain than benefits and this looks like a future constant, abandon ship guilt-free. No need to be hard on her or yourself in this regard.

Dear Nick,

Do not let worries stave off even your idle whimsies, especially with something as ultimately inconsequential as potentially getting few replies. Geese fucking rule, btw.

Dear Ed,

I do not know what those things are. I think Ken C should eat some KFC, because I know he likes it and I am projecting my current desires for greasy thigh meat onto him.

And to answer your other question, Mr. Nick t0eleven,

As you are not exploiting old ladies or running con jobs, I would say you sin is very, very mild compared to that on the programme, if it is even a sin at all.

Abbott you are truly an oracle and fount of wisdom apart from 'Geese fucking rule'. Geese are vicious, grudge-bearing brutes though quite delicious.

I do not know that some relationships are doomed from the start, but if it is giving you more pain than benefits and this looks like a future constant, abandon ship guilt-free. No need to be hard on her or yourself in this regard.

^^^ <3 <3 <3

I find this thread highly satisfactory.

abbott,how do u feel about your thread is becoming a new ilm trend maybe("ask and what")?

Dear Abbott,

When trying to discern one's own deep psychological and emotional motivations for a course of action, do you believe that there is usually one "real" reason that is stronger than the others, or do you believe that our decisions are always endlessly complex, and that one continually "gets at" but never "gets to" the psychological and emotional truth.

. ?

Abbott,

When you yourself need advice, where do you turn?

Fondly,
Max

Dear Abbott,

What circumstances, if any, justify the initiation of fisticuffs?

yorez,
wanko

Daerest Abbott,

An old friend that I haven't spoken to in many moons is on Facebook.
This person was once very close but I kind of disappeared without a formal goodbye. Should my first Facebook message be:
a) an apology for disappearing
b) jumping into asking what she's doing
c) 'sup

Yrz,
milosz

Dear Zeno,

I loves me a meme, and most everyone enjoys being asked pleasant questions and sharing their opinion. Plus ethan is awesome. I do not want people should get hurt if they start such a thread and get few queries, though, especially considering some may be sensitive if impersonal threads about fowls get little traffic. p.s. Your paradox was one funny prank, you ricockulous monist you.

Dear Hurting Dos,

That is a question I have pondered for many years. I think, like most things, you probably cannot find a core truth or 'why' for all yr 'wherefores,' but one can do their best by flexibly operating under the guise that they have. My therapist wants me to read this thing about the Johari window, but all I want to do is play GBA Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past. Maybe you have a guess papers on this topic?

Dear Max,

The advice I need determines who I will turn to. Advice about gardening goes to my sister-in-law with a masters in plant science. Advice about my academic and future careers is requested from one of two favorite professors. I definitely don't ask my dark mirror Dear Abby (as now written posthumously by an abominable man-woman), who spells my first name wrong.

Dear Mr. Sum,

Without fisticuffs, comic movie scenes in old-timey saloons would be pointless.

Dear Mr. Sz,

Finding or being found by old IRL friends on the online is a bittersweet thing, and your question is a main one. It depends on how you imagine she feels about this departure. Were you the kind of youth that attempted to stare out windows to look mysterious, leaving your lack of farewells part of your brooding and laissez-faire persona? Or were you known to be warm and sentimental? I would suggest option B, which will direct your future proceedings.

Patience be with you, my fine Finnish friend. I adore "Love and Its Glory." Have you heard "Le Fleur"? WHOA.

"La Fleur" is obviously total classic, though I have to say I like Adventures in Paradise as an album more than Come into My Garden. I'm sorta pondering whether or not I should buy the post- Adventures in Paradise albums too, they don't get as good reviews, but I really love Minnie so myabe I'd like them anyway.

daer abbott,

so in this story i am writing there are these two heroin addicts. they are driving. there is heroin in the trunk. they are about to get pulled over and they will shoot the trooper fargo style.

what color is their car and what is the license plate number

telling too much in TX,

HOOS

I know this isn't my thread, Hoos, but wouldn't that depend on the tone of the story and the situation of the junkies? Obv. they're not rock bottom or they wouldn't still have a car, but what background are they from? Also, why are they going to shoot a cop over a potential possession charge? How much heroin do they actually have?

I mean sorry, I'm making a leap of logic here. This matters to the color because older shittier cars come in different colors than newer ones.

Dear Mr. Driver of the Steen,

Their car is a semi-matte tan and the license plate number is GB4011. I chose that bcz the number on banana stickers is 4011...these guys are bananas! If that is too precious, try JB14763.

I wanted the plate to say "LIVIN"

Oh, you wanted a custom plate...well, I don't know why someone doing crimes would use such an easily noticed plate.

No, you are right on all counts, wise Abbott.

Thoigh that is a thing I say to myself when I'm poor, "Might have to do some crimes to make a livin if things keep this way."

Daerest Abbott,

If you could redesign the Urim and Thummin to look really cool and make a more relaxed religion, what would you do?

Ned

mmm uma thurman

Dear Darraghmac

You are not a treat

Ned

golly, canya tell me where i'm goin wrong?

Dearest Ned,

I was thinking 'no man those things already look cool, but it turned out I was thinking of the Liahona.

Urim & Thummim, some kind of metal breastplate and a magic nez perce (could be mixing name up with tribe named by french fur trappers):

http://www.mormonthink.com/trans3.jpg

Liahona:

http://www.goodbooksandmorelds.com/yahoo_site_admin/assets/images/LDS-Liahona.148190606_std.jpg

So, a totally chill religion: it would have feast days instead of fast Sundays, and I don't think there would actually be church meetings. High fives instead of prayers. The music of Andrew W.K. as hymns; he can be the prophet, too. He's as close as I have to a spiritual leader.

Abbott-

How come you never hang out on the sub-boards?

-gr8080

Dear Grady,

I have started peering at them as of yesterday. Trying to work out the vibe before I jump in. This step is most likely pointless. I would appreciate if you could perhaps give me a pros/cons list of the better sub-boards.

Oh and Noize had a few sentences about me on o_O, one of them said "tap dat abbott ass" and I was a bit uncomfortable with that.

Yours,
Abbott

Dear AbBOT

why?

That is no more than an appreciation of yer beauty.

Dear Heave Ho,

In my first college literature class, there was a Shakespeare sonnet where he compared a woman's breast to an apple. This made me imagine a man next to a women who had these Red Delicious apples glued to her flat torso, one of which had a cartoon-style bite out of it, both comical and disturbing. In a similarly literal-minded bent, it made me imagine one of those cartoony faucet-pumps being attached to one of my butt cheeks. It's a phrase I've never really liked, along the lines of "jump (his or her) bones." Also, everyone seemed eager to do that whereas Tombot seemed all bummed about Ebert three-way. Ebert was a separate thing.

I was trying to find a still from the "Booty Juice" video from Fear of a Black Hat, but alas that GIS turned up much less humorous results.

Abbs -

Whyfor do you say boxers are kind of dipshits? They are pretty smart, imo. I've known many, and a couple of 'em were even guide-dogs. Granted, they have somewhat goofy personalities, and are certainly capable of over-enthusiasm.

PS - Allegations of dipshittery notwithstanding, I am very happy to hear that you have rescued boxdogs from neglectful conditions.

Dear Oilyrags,

They can be smart, certainly, but seemingly impossible to train, and they have way too much enthusiasm and energy for yours truly. In general I don't care for their personalities, which seem sub-Marmaduke at best. I do like this picture, though:

http://www.pyzam.com/img/funnypics/animals/boxer-lol.jpg

I wish people didn't cut their ears or tails. I do have to admit the tailless wigglebut is funny. It's just an asshole move, to cut ears and tails off.

dear abbott,
i need to make some quick, quick cash. my shittybumcrappola jobs aren't really bringing home the cash i require. any ideas? something relatively legal and not involving sex or sex-related acts would be good.

xRR

Dear Rubredd,

Sucks hard, sorry. They probably won't let you work extra hours, will they? Aside from selling mad amounts of CDs/movies (depressing), I've always been terrible at making quick cash. I started a thread on this once and it's got crap advice, but it's all I got. (How can I get http://www.ilxor.com/ILX/ThreadSelectedControllerServlet?boardid=40&threadid=4692760 dollars in one day? As in today.) All best.

Whoa, that turned out weird.

Brandy the tungdog RIP.

;_;

She got a tanline ON HER TONGUE in the summer! wau.

thanks abbott. if i was less inhibited i would probably maybe but not likely take up some of those suggestions on that thread.

no dice for extra hours: not available, plus i've got two summer classes to keep up with, and i'm already working more than 40hrs p/wk.