Kids say the darndest things

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I had to post this, since I've been cracking up about it since Saturday.

The boys were in the bath, and they started screeching:


My wife: Ben! Use your inside voice.

Ben (quietly): eeeeeEEEEEeeeee.

schwantz, Monday, 2 February 2009 22:58 (ten years ago) link

I heartily endorse this thread/post.

PappaWheelie V, Monday, 2 February 2009 23:11 (ten years ago) link

When I told Ophelia told her for the gazillionth time to put her hand in front of her mouth when coughing.

"I don't have any coughs anymore."

Nathalie (stevienixed), Tuesday, 3 February 2009 08:37 (ten years ago) link

Every male person outside the family is currently known and greeted as 'Funny Man'. Or occasionally 'Mr Tumble' (the latter unfortunately applies to women as well).

Archel, Tuesday, 3 February 2009 11:25 (ten years ago) link


JAM, DWANGELA, RELLY! (sunny successor), Tuesday, 3 February 2009 14:28 (ten years ago) link

In the elevator at the gym with my wife, Owen read another woman's thoughts by asking "are you twins?" and then answered himself "yeah."

schwantz, Saturday, 7 February 2009 05:39 (ten years ago) link


JAM, DWANGELA, RELLY! (sunny successor), Saturday, 7 February 2009 14:40 (ten years ago) link

Thank you for starting this thread. I love this stuff.

A friend at work has a two year old who has started using "Obama" as a name for pretty much everyone. He asks qustions all the time about Obama too. They're potty training him and so the other night she was asking Henry who poops. He said, "Mama poops and Daddy poops and Henry poops!" She asked who else poops thinking he's say grandma or something and he replied with, "Obama poops!!"

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Saturday, 7 February 2009 15:31 (ten years ago) link

my 7 year old nephew to his mom:

"I stopped sucking my thumb. When you get older it loses its taste."

sleeve, Tuesday, 10 February 2009 02:17 (ten years ago) link

That is exactly what I concluded about thumb-sucking (at an embarrassingly older age). Though it took having my arm in a plaster cast for seemingly years (I broke my arm three times in quick succession) to stop me in the end.

Also, Obama totally does poop!

Archel, Tuesday, 10 February 2009 09:35 (ten years ago) link

Re: Honeymoon - "Did you GO to the moon?"

lemmy tristano (James Redd and the Blecchs), Thursday, 12 February 2009 00:16 (ten years ago) link

my son when 3ish, upon eating something good: "I can't believe my mouth!" I promise he made this up himself.

Euler, Thursday, 12 February 2009 00:20 (ten years ago) link


Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Thursday, 12 February 2009 00:23 (ten years ago) link

My kids are too old for their current sayings to be here...

But, Alice (particularly) would say such WTF things back in the day. Most (or, man) are all over ILE, but here's one of the top ones...

She was about four, I reckon.

I was explaining the whole "eggs in mummy's tummy" business.

Alice: "But how did the eggs get there?"
Me: "They were all there when Mummy was born"
Alice: "hmm. So, that means My egg and Amber's egg are exactly the same age"
Me: ".... yeah!"
Alice: (saying nothing, but now has decided Amber doesn't have 2 years superiority anymore)

Mark G, Friday, 13 February 2009 11:10 (ten years ago) link

Ophelia told her father: "Wannes is in love with me." I know, not the darndest thing but still made go all AAAAAWWWWWWWWW.

Nathalie (stevienixed), Friday, 13 February 2009 14:13 (ten years ago) link

my son when 3ish, upon eating something good: "I can't believe my mouth!" I promise he made this up himself.

― Euler, Wednesday, February 11, 2009 7:20 PM (1 week ago) Bookmark

Get that kid a TV commercial.

Bonobos in Paneradise (Hurting 2), Sunday, 22 February 2009 07:21 (ten years ago) link

haha yeah

i was driving beeps home from daycare last week and had silver jews playing in the car. so black and brown blues comes on and i start singing along at the top of my voice when i look in the rear view mirror and beeps is smacking her knee along with the song with a big smile on her face. she catches me looking at her and says 'you go, mama!'. let it be known i have the worst singing voice ever. kid is good for the ego.

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 22 February 2009 14:57 (ten years ago) link

I will work on the tv thing!

I love that my kids love my singing. It helps that it's mutual; when they're caterwauling away I tend to complement them (you know, like you do when they bring you their latest painting or sculpture).

My youngest kid, age 2, went canvassing with my wife for the Dems during the campaign last fall. Now she's taken to calling the paper subscription inserts in magazines, "Democrats". I guess it's because they're like the voter info cards that we distributed? But now she is hoarding a big pile of these things and gets angry when you take her Democrats. Silly stuff but I love it.

Euler, Sunday, 22 February 2009 16:21 (ten years ago) link

I love that all the two year old kids in SF know and mangle the words "Barack Obama."

schwantz, Monday, 23 February 2009 17:25 (ten years ago) link

nothing like this ever happens to me

鬼の手 (Edward III), Monday, 23 February 2009 17:59 (ten years ago) link

Howie knows a lot of animal names but always calls a cat "Miaow", even though he can spell the word. Hence the following conversation:

Us: "Howie, what's the first letter of cat?"
Howie: "C!"
"And what's the second letter of cat?"
"And what's the last letter of cat?"
"[Pointing to letters in book] So, what does 'C-A-T' spell, Howie?"
"[Thinks for a moment...} Miaow!"

Meg (Meg Busset), Monday, 23 February 2009 23:28 (ten years ago) link

my nearly 12-week-old has been babbling non-stop. it's such a nice change from shrieking.

Oh Why, Sports Coat? (Dr. Superman), Thursday, 26 February 2009 19:17 (ten years ago) link

(Apologies if I've already told this story on ILX, can't remember)

A few weeks ago, Ava was being extremely naughty, pushing Pam away, shouting "Don't talk to me! Don't look at me!", etc. Pam wrote down "Naughty girls don't get visits from their friends or treats or get to go to the park" on a slip of paper and handed it to the noncommunicative hell-child.

Ava read it out loud, looked at the paper for a few seconds and then announced, "I'm going to tear this into tiny pieces." It was all Pam could do not to burst out laughing right there...

Michael Jones, Saturday, 28 February 2009 21:25 (ten years ago) link

haa :)

ice cr?m, Sunday, 1 March 2009 00:26 (ten years ago) link

this morning: "there are so many things in this room, it's like an optical course"

鬼の手 (Edward III), Sunday, 1 March 2009 00:46 (ten years ago) link

SS, that's the cutest thing ever! Ophelia requests all my music to stop playing so she can listen to her music. Grrr. Elisabeth loves most music we play. This morning she immediately started waving her hand when Marvin Gaye started singing. She also looooves Pulsinger.

Nathalie (stevienixed), Sunday, 1 March 2009 13:30 (ten years ago) link

its still so weird to me these little creatures have already developed their own tastes. that silver jews moment was a rare one. usually she'll sit there going 'wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? brobie? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? " etc until we put it on.

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 1 March 2009 14:04 (ten years ago) link

nickelodeon brainwash

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 1 March 2009 14:04 (ten years ago) link

she found a tampon and asked what it was. i mumbled her mommy bleeds every month and that it stops the bleeding.

"so mommy leaks."

uh yeah, i guess....

the tip of the tongue taking a trip tralalala (stevienixed), Friday, 6 March 2009 22:33 (ten years ago) link

Edward, I'm amazed. That's amazing.

How can there be male ladybugs? (Laurel), Friday, 6 March 2009 22:41 (ten years ago) link

We remembered another one from our son a few years back, when he was 2-ish: out of the blue one day, he asked "why we is not ducks?". I didn't know what to say. Really, why? The mind boggles.

Euler, Saturday, 7 March 2009 01:56 (ten years ago) link

My friend did this facebook thing earlier where she had to ask her kids a series of questions about herself and write in their answers. Her sons are around 6 and 4, I think.

Q: How tall is your Mom?

A: "15 degrees" -Ben "Probably 10 inches high" -Zac

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Saturday, 7 March 2009 04:50 (ten years ago) link

i seriously can't get over "15 degrees"

been HOOS, where yyyou steene!? (BIG HOOS aka the steendriver), Saturday, 7 March 2009 05:02 (ten years ago) link

I know, I love it.

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Saturday, 7 March 2009 05:03 (ten years ago) link

I showed Beeps a full page face ad of Gisele Bündchen in the lastest issure of Glamour and asked 'who is that?' She replied 'Mama!' Damn straight.

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 8 March 2009 03:30 (ten years ago) link

keep that one around!

yur twit (tehresa), Sunday, 8 March 2009 03:35 (ten years ago) link

hopefully her eyesight will never improve

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 8 March 2009 03:37 (ten years ago) link

Howie does that when we read the book 'Terrible Trolls' -- points at them and says "Mummy! Daddy!"

I will have to send him round to Beeps for some training.

Meg (Meg Busset), Sunday, 8 March 2009 13:02 (ten years ago) link

I showed Beeps a full page face ad of Gisele Bündchen in the lastest issure of Glamour and asked 'who is that?' She replied 'Mama!' Damn straight.

A keeper! :-)

the tip of the tongue taking a trip tralalala (stevienixed), Monday, 9 March 2009 14:19 (ten years ago) link

z (4-yr-old) industriously constructing puzzle on the floor, while rex (11 mos.) repeatedly crawls through it, picks up pieces, sticks them in his mouth, etc. z fairly patiently nudges rex away two or three times, says "no, rex," but on about the 4th time, in exasperation, he yelps, "DAMMIT REX!"

paper plans (tipsy mothra), Monday, 16 March 2009 23:50 (ten years ago) link

kids swearing: classic. One of my kids didn't really understand what the word dammit was, so he'd say, "debit", as in "debit card", which got us off the hook with my mother-in-law.

Euler, Tuesday, 17 March 2009 00:27 (ten years ago) link

z (4-yr-old) industriously constructing puzzle on the floor, while rex (11 mos.) repeatedly crawls through it, picks up pieces, sticks them in his mouth, etc. z fairly patiently nudges rex away two or three times, says "no, rex," but on about the 4th time, in exasperation, he yelps, "DAMMIT REX!"

― paper plans (tipsy mothra), Monday, March 16, 2009 6:50 PM (2 hours ago) Bookmark

ok so this is the funniest/cuetest thing i have read in a while

i like to fart and i am crazy (gbx), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 02:01 (ten years ago) link

Agreed. That's so cute.

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 12:37 (ten years ago) link

it cracked us up. but i guess we need to do some policing of it before he gets to kindergarten.

paper plans (tipsy mothra), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 17:08 (ten years ago) link

Apparently in kindergarten I referred to a toy car as "that goddamn son of a bitch". Wasn't mad, that's just what I called it.

WmC, Tuesday, 17 March 2009 17:14 (ten years ago) link

i once very cheerfully yelled to my pal "see you later, asshole!" as our parents were taking us home from preschool. my mom was not, uh, thrilled

i like to fart and i am crazy (gbx), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 21:54 (ten years ago) link

^ That is awesome.

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 22:51 (ten years ago) link

ha i once came home from school in 1st or 2nd grade and told my parents "the bus driver is an asshole" not really knowing what that meant :-/

HHooHHHooHH-oob (harbl), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 22:53 (ten years ago) link

Alice has been known to bang her fist on the table and yell 'dammit!' but I strongly suspect her dad has been coaching her for his own amusement. Though come to think of it she's also started a thing of regularly shouting 'it's a deal!' and shaking hands with us. Clearly a future CEO :(

Archel, Thursday, 19 March 2009 09:36 (ten years ago) link

OK, heree goez:

In Venice, back at the flat, playing whist:

Mum: "Hearts!"
Alice: (Oh, fuMMMFTH)

The sound of Alice slapping her hand over her mouth, too late.
She got embarrassed, we just laffed. (She was 8)

Mark G, Monday, 23 March 2009 14:02 (ten years ago) link

she's right tbh

president of deluded fruitcakes anonymous (silby), Thursday, 22 August 2019 21:28 (five months ago) link

Oh absolutely.

Hey Bob (Scik Mouthy), Thursday, 22 August 2019 21:32 (five months ago) link

Ella has learned from us the "not naming any names, but SOMEBODY [broke/lost/forgot whatever]" phrase, and now SOMEBODY is responsible for a hell of a lot of bad shit in our house.

two weeks pass...

"I'm a vegetarian except for McDonald's"

silverfish, Tuesday, 10 September 2019 16:09 (four months ago) link

Ha, my 7yo daughter recently announced that she's a vegetarian but will still eat a chicken leg because "a chicken could still live if it lost a leg"

Lavator Shemmelpennick, Tuesday, 10 September 2019 19:33 (four months ago) link

i mean she’s not wrong tbf

don’t bore us, get to the aeon of horus (bizarro gazzara), Tuesday, 10 September 2019 19:34 (four months ago) link

true! Snapshot of morality development in vivo

Lavator Shemmelpennick, Tuesday, 10 September 2019 19:36 (four months ago) link

Chicken fingers are okay too, because chickens don't need fingers at all.

And the wind... cries... Larry (Ye Mad Puffin), Tuesday, 10 September 2019 20:38 (four months ago) link

Chickens have zero use for their nuggets iirc.

DJI, Tuesday, 10 September 2019 20:44 (four months ago) link

one month passes...

“Hey dad. What’s your favorite color of the alphabet?”


“The answer is square!”

That’s good. I’m going to use that in job interviews

“No dad, post it to ILX!”

El Tomboto, Thursday, 17 October 2019 01:14 (three months ago) link


DJI, Thursday, 17 October 2019 03:40 (three months ago) link

pfft Tombot if your kid wants to be on ilx they should get their own account

president of deluded fruitcakes anonymous (silby), Thursday, 17 October 2019 05:26 (three months ago) link

The other day opal (2 and a half) called her vagina her “tushy penis”

dan selzer, Thursday, 17 October 2019 11:31 (three months ago) link

get tombot jr a login, stat, that's the kind of unconventional thinking we sorely need more of on these boards

expedited frictionless convergences (bizarro gazzara), Thursday, 17 October 2019 11:39 (three months ago) link

Me: Please pick up your Legos

4yo: Daddy, you're kind of putting me into slavery.

(Phone rings, it's Fox News offering my son a prime time slot)

Muswell Hillbilly Elegy (President Keyes), Thursday, 17 October 2019 14:28 (three months ago) link

We had an elderly neighbour over for coffee. Somehow it was mentioned that he grew up during World War 2.

My son: "Wow! Did you survive?"

ArchCarrier, Thursday, 17 October 2019 15:04 (three months ago) link

my wife explained to Opal that Vampires are made up creatures that suck blood out of necks, after seeing them in the halloween book Sheep Trick or Treat.

she also recently learned about the little beach birds called Sandpipers.

A few weeks ago we were going to Rockaway Beach off-season to play in the sand and she freaked out. "No, I don't wanna see sandpipers don't want my blood sucked"

dan selzer, Thursday, 17 October 2019 16:57 (three months ago) link



“why are you still talking “

Li'l Brexit (Tracer Hand), Thursday, 17 October 2019 20:02 (three months ago) link

Me: Come on, it's bath time then bed time
3.5yo: Then sleeping time, then morning time, then playtime, then bath time, then bed time, then sleeping time, then morning time...
Me: Oh shit you've figured it out already, how come you're not massively depressed

The Pingularity (ledge), Monday, 28 October 2019 11:57 (two months ago) link

give it another year and a half :\

president of deluded fruitcakes anonymous (silby), Monday, 28 October 2019 16:26 (two months ago) link

4yo: Whenever I scribbled on my paper Julianna used to tattletale on me to the teacher.

me: Does she still do that?

4yo: No, she stopped. Like how those girls used to scream for the Beatles all the time and then they stopped forever.

Muswell Hillbilly Elegy (President Keyes), Monday, 28 October 2019 21:08 (two months ago) link


Tsar Bombadil (James Morrison), Tuesday, 29 October 2019 07:25 (two months ago) link

wife: What would you like for your birthday?
daughter: Spiders!

silverfish, Monday, 4 November 2019 02:28 (two months ago) link


Squeaky Fromage (VegemiteGrrl), Monday, 4 November 2019 02:32 (two months ago) link

came home the other day with a haircut. Opal says "daddy got a haircut!"

The next day Opal wakes up and says "does daddy still have his haircut?"

dan selzer, Monday, 4 November 2019 03:43 (two months ago) link

For the Dutchies:

"Elf november is de dag
Dat mijn nichtje branden mag"


ArchCarrier, Tuesday, 12 November 2019 14:12 (two months ago) link

Any help on the last couple of words?

Bidh boladh a' mhairbh de 'n láimh fhalaimh (dowd), Tuesday, 12 November 2019 14:16 (two months ago) link

That my niece may burn

Le Bateau Ivre, Tuesday, 12 November 2019 14:30 (two months ago) link

Instead of 'that my light may burn' (lichtje/nichtje mistake)

Le Bateau Ivre, Tuesday, 12 November 2019 14:31 (two months ago) link

Ta! And cute!

Bidh boladh a' mhairbh de 'n láimh fhalaimh (dowd), Tuesday, 12 November 2019 14:59 (two months ago) link

My youngest son, shrugging: “I can’t clean up a fart!”

Wee Bloabby (NickB), Wednesday, 13 November 2019 18:46 (two months ago) link

Needs to be a horrible 70s album title tbh

Wee Bloabby (NickB), Wednesday, 13 November 2019 18:48 (two months ago) link

singer shrugging, guitarist holding his nose, bassist spraying air freshener, drummer passed out

Muswell Hillbilly Elegy (President Keyes), Wednesday, 13 November 2019 19:43 (two months ago) link

kid's birthday party is saturday, and he has a white noise machine on in his room at night; he got out of bed and came downstairs to say "i'm too excited about my birthday party and am scared that my sound machine is going to turn into a human head"

joygoat, Wednesday, 13 November 2019 20:08 (two months ago) link


☮ (peace, man), Thursday, 14 November 2019 12:57 (two months ago) link

three weeks pass...

last christmas, i pooed in my pants
the very next day, i peed in my pants

Li'l Brexit (Tracer Hand), Wednesday, 11 December 2019 15:41 (one month ago) link


Wee Bloabby (NickB), Wednesday, 11 December 2019 15:43 (one month ago) link

This year, I’ll stick with a fart
And give it to someone special

DJI, Wednesday, 11 December 2019 16:58 (one month ago) link

File that under posts you immediately regret

DJI, Wednesday, 11 December 2019 16:59 (one month ago) link

This is going to make the next few weeks tolerable. Thanks guys!

☮ (peace, man), Wednesday, 11 December 2019 16:59 (one month ago) link

I’m lovin it

L'assie (Euler), Wednesday, 11 December 2019 17:19 (one month ago) link

this has really cheered me up

YOU CALL THIS JOURNALSIM? (dog latin), Saturday, 14 December 2019 21:03 (one month ago) link

two weeks pass...

Driving in the car, Can's "Dizzy Dizzy" comes on the CD.

The boy goes, "What is this, Spongebob back from a commercial?"

I go into "incredulous dad mode" - What? This is CAN.

The girl goes, "If it's from Spongebob, they should've called it 'Gary's Theme'."

pplains, Wednesday, 1 January 2020 04:08 (three weeks ago) link

I DIED nearly from being told this today, by a friend who is mother of three boys, who at the time were probably approx 10-8-8. They had been visiting some family or acquaintance in winter, and on coming home, mom helps free one of the twins from multiple lower-body layers, when it turns out he has within the back of one of the legs of his outermost waterproofs a long shoehorn, as in grown-up, foot-plus length.

MOM (bewildered): How did this happen??
SON (conspiratorial): I was lightning quick!

anatol_merklich, Friday, 3 January 2020 23:20 (three weeks ago) link

“I don’t like fire fighters because they put fire everywhere.”

dan selzer, Friday, 3 January 2020 23:47 (three weeks ago) link

“Everyone in the Bible is tricky. I think it was written by tricky people.”

Muswell Hillbilly Elegy (President Keyes), Saturday, 4 January 2020 14:59 (two weeks ago) link

"It's a stab or be stabbed world"

Οὖτις, Monday, 6 January 2020 17:18 (two weeks ago) link

speaking of the bible, the five-year-old pulled one out of the hotel desk drawer and tried to read the cover: "holly ... bubble?"

na (NA), Monday, 6 January 2020 17:38 (two weeks ago) link

I did exactly that when I was a kid, at a hotel saying "why's this book here? the holly bibble?"

dan selzer, Monday, 6 January 2020 17:43 (two weeks ago) link

of course since i laughed she did the exact same thing at the next hotel

na (NA), Monday, 6 January 2020 17:47 (two weeks ago) link

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