Kids say the darndest things

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I had to post this, since I've been cracking up about it since Saturday.

The boys were in the bath, and they started screeching:


My wife: Ben! Use your inside voice.

Ben (quietly): eeeeeEEEEEeeeee.

schwantz, Monday, 2 February 2009 22:58 (eleven years ago) link

I heartily endorse this thread/post.

PappaWheelie V, Monday, 2 February 2009 23:11 (eleven years ago) link

When I told Ophelia told her for the gazillionth time to put her hand in front of her mouth when coughing.

"I don't have any coughs anymore."

Nathalie (stevienixed), Tuesday, 3 February 2009 08:37 (eleven years ago) link

Every male person outside the family is currently known and greeted as 'Funny Man'. Or occasionally 'Mr Tumble' (the latter unfortunately applies to women as well).

Archel, Tuesday, 3 February 2009 11:25 (eleven years ago) link


JAM, DWANGELA, RELLY! (sunny successor), Tuesday, 3 February 2009 14:28 (eleven years ago) link

In the elevator at the gym with my wife, Owen read another woman's thoughts by asking "are you twins?" and then answered himself "yeah."

schwantz, Saturday, 7 February 2009 05:39 (eleven years ago) link


JAM, DWANGELA, RELLY! (sunny successor), Saturday, 7 February 2009 14:40 (eleven years ago) link

Thank you for starting this thread. I love this stuff.

A friend at work has a two year old who has started using "Obama" as a name for pretty much everyone. He asks qustions all the time about Obama too. They're potty training him and so the other night she was asking Henry who poops. He said, "Mama poops and Daddy poops and Henry poops!" She asked who else poops thinking he's say grandma or something and he replied with, "Obama poops!!"

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Saturday, 7 February 2009 15:31 (eleven years ago) link

my 7 year old nephew to his mom:

"I stopped sucking my thumb. When you get older it loses its taste."

sleeve, Tuesday, 10 February 2009 02:17 (eleven years ago) link

That is exactly what I concluded about thumb-sucking (at an embarrassingly older age). Though it took having my arm in a plaster cast for seemingly years (I broke my arm three times in quick succession) to stop me in the end.

Also, Obama totally does poop!

Archel, Tuesday, 10 February 2009 09:35 (eleven years ago) link

Re: Honeymoon - "Did you GO to the moon?"

lemmy tristano (James Redd and the Blecchs), Thursday, 12 February 2009 00:16 (eleven years ago) link

my son when 3ish, upon eating something good: "I can't believe my mouth!" I promise he made this up himself.

Euler, Thursday, 12 February 2009 00:20 (eleven years ago) link


Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Thursday, 12 February 2009 00:23 (eleven years ago) link

My kids are too old for their current sayings to be here...

But, Alice (particularly) would say such WTF things back in the day. Most (or, man) are all over ILE, but here's one of the top ones...

She was about four, I reckon.

I was explaining the whole "eggs in mummy's tummy" business.

Alice: "But how did the eggs get there?"
Me: "They were all there when Mummy was born"
Alice: "hmm. So, that means My egg and Amber's egg are exactly the same age"
Me: ".... yeah!"
Alice: (saying nothing, but now has decided Amber doesn't have 2 years superiority anymore)

Mark G, Friday, 13 February 2009 11:10 (eleven years ago) link

Ophelia told her father: "Wannes is in love with me." I know, not the darndest thing but still made go all AAAAAWWWWWWWWW.

Nathalie (stevienixed), Friday, 13 February 2009 14:13 (eleven years ago) link

my son when 3ish, upon eating something good: "I can't believe my mouth!" I promise he made this up himself.

― Euler, Wednesday, February 11, 2009 7:20 PM (1 week ago) Bookmark

Get that kid a TV commercial.

Bonobos in Paneradise (Hurting 2), Sunday, 22 February 2009 07:21 (eleven years ago) link

haha yeah

i was driving beeps home from daycare last week and had silver jews playing in the car. so black and brown blues comes on and i start singing along at the top of my voice when i look in the rear view mirror and beeps is smacking her knee along with the song with a big smile on her face. she catches me looking at her and says 'you go, mama!'. let it be known i have the worst singing voice ever. kid is good for the ego.

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 22 February 2009 14:57 (eleven years ago) link

I will work on the tv thing!

I love that my kids love my singing. It helps that it's mutual; when they're caterwauling away I tend to complement them (you know, like you do when they bring you their latest painting or sculpture).

My youngest kid, age 2, went canvassing with my wife for the Dems during the campaign last fall. Now she's taken to calling the paper subscription inserts in magazines, "Democrats". I guess it's because they're like the voter info cards that we distributed? But now she is hoarding a big pile of these things and gets angry when you take her Democrats. Silly stuff but I love it.

Euler, Sunday, 22 February 2009 16:21 (eleven years ago) link

I love that all the two year old kids in SF know and mangle the words "Barack Obama."

schwantz, Monday, 23 February 2009 17:25 (eleven years ago) link

nothing like this ever happens to me

鬼の手 (Edward III), Monday, 23 February 2009 17:59 (eleven years ago) link

Howie knows a lot of animal names but always calls a cat "Miaow", even though he can spell the word. Hence the following conversation:

Us: "Howie, what's the first letter of cat?"
Howie: "C!"
"And what's the second letter of cat?"
"And what's the last letter of cat?"
"[Pointing to letters in book] So, what does 'C-A-T' spell, Howie?"
"[Thinks for a moment...} Miaow!"

Meg (Meg Busset), Monday, 23 February 2009 23:28 (eleven years ago) link

my nearly 12-week-old has been babbling non-stop. it's such a nice change from shrieking.

Oh Why, Sports Coat? (Dr. Superman), Thursday, 26 February 2009 19:17 (eleven years ago) link

(Apologies if I've already told this story on ILX, can't remember)

A few weeks ago, Ava was being extremely naughty, pushing Pam away, shouting "Don't talk to me! Don't look at me!", etc. Pam wrote down "Naughty girls don't get visits from their friends or treats or get to go to the park" on a slip of paper and handed it to the noncommunicative hell-child.

Ava read it out loud, looked at the paper for a few seconds and then announced, "I'm going to tear this into tiny pieces." It was all Pam could do not to burst out laughing right there...

Michael Jones, Saturday, 28 February 2009 21:25 (eleven years ago) link

haa :)

ice cr?m, Sunday, 1 March 2009 00:26 (eleven years ago) link

this morning: "there are so many things in this room, it's like an optical course"

鬼の手 (Edward III), Sunday, 1 March 2009 00:46 (eleven years ago) link

SS, that's the cutest thing ever! Ophelia requests all my music to stop playing so she can listen to her music. Grrr. Elisabeth loves most music we play. This morning she immediately started waving her hand when Marvin Gaye started singing. She also looooves Pulsinger.

Nathalie (stevienixed), Sunday, 1 March 2009 13:30 (eleven years ago) link

its still so weird to me these little creatures have already developed their own tastes. that silver jews moment was a rare one. usually she'll sit there going 'wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? brobie? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? " etc until we put it on.

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 1 March 2009 14:04 (eleven years ago) link

nickelodeon brainwash

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 1 March 2009 14:04 (eleven years ago) link

she found a tampon and asked what it was. i mumbled her mommy bleeds every month and that it stops the bleeding.

"so mommy leaks."

uh yeah, i guess....

the tip of the tongue taking a trip tralalala (stevienixed), Friday, 6 March 2009 22:33 (eleven years ago) link

Edward, I'm amazed. That's amazing.

How can there be male ladybugs? (Laurel), Friday, 6 March 2009 22:41 (eleven years ago) link

We remembered another one from our son a few years back, when he was 2-ish: out of the blue one day, he asked "why we is not ducks?". I didn't know what to say. Really, why? The mind boggles.

Euler, Saturday, 7 March 2009 01:56 (eleven years ago) link

My friend did this facebook thing earlier where she had to ask her kids a series of questions about herself and write in their answers. Her sons are around 6 and 4, I think.

Q: How tall is your Mom?

A: "15 degrees" -Ben "Probably 10 inches high" -Zac

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Saturday, 7 March 2009 04:50 (eleven years ago) link

i seriously can't get over "15 degrees"

been HOOS, where yyyou steene!? (BIG HOOS aka the steendriver), Saturday, 7 March 2009 05:02 (eleven years ago) link

I know, I love it.

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Saturday, 7 March 2009 05:03 (eleven years ago) link

I showed Beeps a full page face ad of Gisele Bündchen in the lastest issure of Glamour and asked 'who is that?' She replied 'Mama!' Damn straight.

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 8 March 2009 03:30 (eleven years ago) link

keep that one around!

yur twit (tehresa), Sunday, 8 March 2009 03:35 (eleven years ago) link

hopefully her eyesight will never improve

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 8 March 2009 03:37 (eleven years ago) link

Howie does that when we read the book 'Terrible Trolls' -- points at them and says "Mummy! Daddy!"

I will have to send him round to Beeps for some training.

Meg (Meg Busset), Sunday, 8 March 2009 13:02 (eleven years ago) link

I showed Beeps a full page face ad of Gisele Bündchen in the lastest issure of Glamour and asked 'who is that?' She replied 'Mama!' Damn straight.

A keeper! :-)

the tip of the tongue taking a trip tralalala (stevienixed), Monday, 9 March 2009 14:19 (eleven years ago) link

z (4-yr-old) industriously constructing puzzle on the floor, while rex (11 mos.) repeatedly crawls through it, picks up pieces, sticks them in his mouth, etc. z fairly patiently nudges rex away two or three times, says "no, rex," but on about the 4th time, in exasperation, he yelps, "DAMMIT REX!"

paper plans (tipsy mothra), Monday, 16 March 2009 23:50 (eleven years ago) link

kids swearing: classic. One of my kids didn't really understand what the word dammit was, so he'd say, "debit", as in "debit card", which got us off the hook with my mother-in-law.

Euler, Tuesday, 17 March 2009 00:27 (eleven years ago) link

z (4-yr-old) industriously constructing puzzle on the floor, while rex (11 mos.) repeatedly crawls through it, picks up pieces, sticks them in his mouth, etc. z fairly patiently nudges rex away two or three times, says "no, rex," but on about the 4th time, in exasperation, he yelps, "DAMMIT REX!"

― paper plans (tipsy mothra), Monday, March 16, 2009 6:50 PM (2 hours ago) Bookmark

ok so this is the funniest/cuetest thing i have read in a while

i like to fart and i am crazy (gbx), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 02:01 (eleven years ago) link

Agreed. That's so cute.

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 12:37 (eleven years ago) link

it cracked us up. but i guess we need to do some policing of it before he gets to kindergarten.

paper plans (tipsy mothra), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 17:08 (eleven years ago) link

Apparently in kindergarten I referred to a toy car as "that goddamn son of a bitch". Wasn't mad, that's just what I called it.

WmC, Tuesday, 17 March 2009 17:14 (eleven years ago) link

i once very cheerfully yelled to my pal "see you later, asshole!" as our parents were taking us home from preschool. my mom was not, uh, thrilled

i like to fart and i am crazy (gbx), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 21:54 (eleven years ago) link

^ That is awesome.

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 22:51 (eleven years ago) link

ha i once came home from school in 1st or 2nd grade and told my parents "the bus driver is an asshole" not really knowing what that meant :-/

HHooHHHooHH-oob (harbl), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 22:53 (eleven years ago) link

Alice has been known to bang her fist on the table and yell 'dammit!' but I strongly suspect her dad has been coaching her for his own amusement. Though come to think of it she's also started a thing of regularly shouting 'it's a deal!' and shaking hands with us. Clearly a future CEO :(

Archel, Thursday, 19 March 2009 09:36 (eleven years ago) link

OK, heree goez:

In Venice, back at the flat, playing whist:

Mum: "Hearts!"
Alice: (Oh, fuMMMFTH)

The sound of Alice slapping her hand over her mouth, too late.
She got embarrassed, we just laffed. (She was 8)

Mark G, Monday, 23 March 2009 14:02 (eleven years ago) link

She can't speak yet but when our one year old sees a cat in our front garden through the window I'm pretty sure she's trying to say "omg what is it? A cat! Wow, a cat! I love it! Cat! I want to touch it! TOUCH IT! NOW! CAT! TOUCH IT! WHERE'S IT GONE?! CAT! COME BACK! CAT! CAAAAAATTTT!! AAAAAAAHHHH!!!!"

neith moon (ledge), Thursday, 6 August 2020 08:26 (one month ago) link

"Daddy, I have an idea – I need a knife, and a bar of soap..."

Rob, give a listen to Iggy Stooge (morrisp), Thursday, 6 August 2020 21:51 (one month ago) link


obliquity of the ecliptic (rrrobyn), Thursday, 6 August 2020 23:41 (one month ago) link

I love everything in this thread

obliquity of the ecliptic (rrrobyn), Thursday, 6 August 2020 23:42 (one month ago) link

Opal's really into stalling bedtime. When she's in a bad fussy mood it's a total nightmare but when she's in a good mood it can be really cute. Tonight she asked me to look up if Tapirs are related to Elephants. I said it wasn't clear because I saw 2 websites and only one mentioned elephants. She said "do you know a lot of websites?" and then "before you go can you tell me websites?"

dan selzer, Friday, 7 August 2020 05:28 (one month ago) link

lol that is so cute

terminators of endearment (VegemiteGrrl), Friday, 7 August 2020 06:36 (one month ago) link

love it!

DJI, Friday, 7 August 2020 18:04 (one month ago) link

When Opal's fussy but not too fussy I often say "who's the boss? are you the boss?" and she say's "I"m the boss!" but sometimes I say "mommy's actually the boss" preserving gender norms, sorry. Early today as I tried to get her down for her nap she suddenly said "why is Mommy always the boss?" so I said "why did you say that, because I joke about that?" and she said "mommy's the boss because you make a lot of mistakes so she's the boss". I then tried to explain that actually we're a team.

dan selzer, Friday, 7 August 2020 19:32 (one month ago) link

opal otm

Li'l Brexit (Tracer Hand), Friday, 7 August 2020 19:53 (one month ago) link

cosign opal, that kid has a bright future in HR lol

terminators of endearment (VegemiteGrrl), Saturday, 8 August 2020 02:25 (one month ago) link

My son and I were playing a tense game of chess while he finished a snack. Then he said: "I wish I had some pretzels left... I wanted to try 'stress-eating'!"

Washington Foosball Team (morrisp), Sunday, 9 August 2020 18:48 (one month ago) link


obliquity of the ecliptic (rrrobyn), Sunday, 9 August 2020 23:10 (one month ago) link

Opal watched a nature documentary about elephants today. While in the potty before bed she asked me “what is die?” There was a scene where elephants came to a dry watering hole and found elephant skeletons. She said “some elephants didn’t get enough water…so they died and their skeletons fell out.”

dan selzer, Tuesday, 11 August 2020 23:53 (one month ago) link

My 5 yo told me that he wants to be president so he can send secret detectives after Jeff Bezos to catch him stealing, then he would pretend to be a bad president and hire people to dress up like they were poor so he could steal from them and make Bezos trust him, then he would send his soldiers to kill Bezos and give his money to the poor

I told him the Saudis already tried it

Muswell Hillbilly Elegy (President Keyes), Thursday, 13 August 2020 00:10 (one month ago) link


singular wolf erotica producer (Hadrian VIII), Thursday, 13 August 2020 02:22 (one month ago) link

Opal currently screaming at the top of her lungs from her bed “I’m too tired to fall asleep!”

dan selzer, Sunday, 16 August 2020 00:00 (one month ago) link

Was explaining something regarding the origin of humans to my 7 year old when my 4 year old gives her theory:

"First there were dinosaurs, then there were pirates, then there were dragons, then there were doctors, then there was us"

I was unable to get any explanation for the pirates, but the doctors were there before us because "we all used to be babies and you need doctors for babies to be born"

silverfish, Tuesday, 18 August 2020 14:27 (one month ago) link

how were the pirates born? maybe the LSAT answer to this question is "you need dinosaurs for pirates to be born"

contorted filbert (harbl), Tuesday, 18 August 2020 14:30 (one month ago) link

this does make sense. Piracy was pretty much perfected centuries before modern medicine.

Muswell Hillbilly Elegy (President Keyes), Tuesday, 18 August 2020 14:51 (one month ago) link

This morning Dex glumly muttered that he hadnt slept well. When Dad asked why he said "Oh I dunno... I just lay awake when I realised I'm almost finished being a kid!"

Poor bastard!

Stoop Crone (Trayce), Monday, 24 August 2020 05:44 (one month ago) link


Joey Corona (Euler), Monday, 24 August 2020 09:22 (one month ago) link

While on a Pokemon Go walk through college student land yesterday we passed by a few houses with uncomfortably large numbers students drinking and partyiny. My 5.5 year old asks me really loudly "what are all these dumb teenagers doing? don't they know about the corona?"

joygoat, Monday, 24 August 2020 20:15 (one month ago) link

As I lifted my daughter into the air with my legs –

"Why are you getting me HIGH?"

“Pizza House!” (morrisp), Wednesday, 26 August 2020 22:41 (one month ago) link

My 6-year-old son has been really into asking "true or false" questions for awhile now. This morning he came into our room while I was still lying in bed and emphatically stated, "True or false: nothing has a point."

I was totally ready to get into it, but then he went on, "it's true, if you zoom in far enough every point is really flat or round."

Lavator Shemmelpennick, Tuesday, 1 September 2020 19:42 (three weeks ago) link

1. Why are pictures for looking at?
2. Why are closets for putting things in?
3. Why are cups for drinking from?
4. Why are beds to sleep on?
5. Why are they so soft?
5. Why are clothes for wearing?
6. Why can we feel the wind but we can't see it?

That was over three nights. Last night she followed up by telling us she wrote a song about storm drain then proceeded to sing it. It goes "Storm drains, storm drains, storm drains everywhere."

dan selzer, Tuesday, 1 September 2020 19:55 (three weeks ago) link

aww, sounds like the things my son used to ask me, which culminated one car ride with the question 'dad, what do the council really do?'

this is my clean tone (NickB), Tuesday, 1 September 2020 21:28 (three weeks ago) link

What indeed, son. What indeed.

Stoop Crone (Trayce), Wednesday, 2 September 2020 00:26 (three weeks ago) link


terminators of endearment (VegemiteGrrl), Wednesday, 2 September 2020 00:27 (three weeks ago) link

While we were stuck in an elevator today, and had to call for help, etc.:

“Is it possible to, like, leave this elevator a bad review or something?”

“Pizza House!” (morrisp), Saturday, 5 September 2020 03:44 (three weeks ago) link


Tsar Bombadil (James Morrison), Saturday, 5 September 2020 06:43 (three weeks ago) link

call for yelp

mark s, Saturday, 5 September 2020 15:02 (three weeks ago) link

Me [trying to get a string of vegetable matter out from between my back teeth at the table]: Sorry, this is disgusting, sorry!
7yo: No, no.... It's beautiful!

Tsar Bombadil (James Morrison), Monday, 7 September 2020 04:23 (three weeks ago) link


terminators of endearment (VegemiteGrrl), Monday, 7 September 2020 05:07 (three weeks ago) link

"Sometimes people who are good looking on the outside are bad inside. Like Elon Musk. He is very handsome but he is like Lex Luthor."

Me: "Elon Musk isn't handsome."

"Yes he is. His hair. His body."

Muswell Hillbilly Elegy (President Keyes), Monday, 14 September 2020 13:31 (two weeks ago) link


Tsar Bombadil (James Morrison), Tuesday, 15 September 2020 01:03 (one week ago) link

Opal is back in Queens after 5 months with her grandparents. Very much looking forward to scooter riding with her best friends Peter and Luke. Before leaving to meet them she says "I can't wait to go scooter riding with peter and luke. I'm going to beat up on them."

Nicole and I look at each other incredulously. She meant "beat them", which, even that, is pretty silly because there's no way she's as fast as them as she came late to scootering, but "beat up on them" is a whole other connotation.

dan selzer, Tuesday, 15 September 2020 04:12 (one week ago) link

Me & Wife: [give extensive, emotional, impassioned description of her birth and its associated traumas to our 7yo daughter]
7yo: so what does ATM stand for, anyway?

Tsar Bombadil (James Morrison), Tuesday, 15 September 2020 06:53 (one week ago) link

My son announced that he's going to start calling me "Dad" (instead of "Daddy") when he turns 8. Rough stuff... :(

Can Butch Vig not do "dynamimcs"? (morrisp), Wednesday, 16 September 2020 02:03 (one week ago) link


Tsar Bombadil (James Morrison), Wednesday, 16 September 2020 02:35 (one week ago) link


terminators of endearment (VegemiteGrrl), Wednesday, 16 September 2020 03:40 (one week ago) link

It’s ok—he’ll probably still be asking to me sit on his bed while he falls asleep until he’s 18.

Can Butch Vig not do "dynamimcs"? (morrisp), Wednesday, 16 September 2020 03:52 (one week ago) link

the search for personal dignity and independence starts with jettisoning 'mommy and daddy' for 'mom and dad'

the unappreciated charisma of cows (Aimless), Wednesday, 16 September 2020 03:55 (one week ago) link

Last week our 9yo took a strong stance on abortion. “It’s just a bunch of cells. It’s the woman’s body!” We definitely never had a conversation about this with her. How do even you make a facepalm (how does she know about this without us being involved?) a shrug (well that could’ve been a lot worse) and a surprised grin (correct, kiddo!) all at once?

sound of scampo talk to me (El Tomboto), Wednesday, 16 September 2020 05:54 (one week ago) link

As best we can tell she’s been using her tablet to do a lot of research on puberty. Good for her and also FFS.

sound of scampo talk to me (El Tomboto), Wednesday, 16 September 2020 05:55 (one week ago) link

My 5yo stopped calling me daddy and just calls me by my first name. He also barely thinks of me as a parent.

Muswell Hillbilly Elegy (President Keyes), Wednesday, 16 September 2020 12:00 (one week ago) link

Opals new thing, when I say “did you forget” something, like this morning when she left the sink running after the bathroom, she says “I didn’t forget…I just didn’t remember”.

dan selzer, Sunday, 20 September 2020 13:54 (one week ago) link

This morning, my daughter turned to me and said the following, slowly & deliberately, with a half-smile like she was redpilling my a$$ with a juicy truth bomb:

"Daddy... do you know who likes carrots?"



(it's not much on the page, but I thought it was adorable, fsr)

Scam Likely (morrisp), Monday, 21 September 2020 19:05 (one week ago) link

“What’s a VCR?”

calstars, Monday, 21 September 2020 19:06 (one week ago) link

For better or worse, my son is now set up with Google Hangouts on the computer he uses for school; so he now pings me throughout the day from the other room (whenever school's not in session) -- with lots of exclamation points, digital "stickers," little drawings he makes on Sketchpad, etc. If I don't respond immediately, he keeps pinging me. Here is a recent exchange:

[photo of himself waving]

[sticker of a fist striking]

not a fist bump
a punch!!for you not responding


[sketch of a frowning cartoon character w/steam rising from head]

to many people say "LOL" these days

Scam Likely (morrisp), Wednesday, 23 September 2020 17:22 (five days ago) link

too many people say "LOL". Not enough parents send stickers.

peace, man, Wednesday, 23 September 2020 17:41 (five days ago) link

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