Kids say the darndest things

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I had to post this, since I've been cracking up about it since Saturday.

The boys were in the bath, and they started screeching:


My wife: Ben! Use your inside voice.

Ben (quietly): eeeeeEEEEEeeeee.

schwantz, Monday, 2 February 2009 22:58 (twelve years ago) link

I heartily endorse this thread/post.

PappaWheelie V, Monday, 2 February 2009 23:11 (twelve years ago) link

When I told Ophelia told her for the gazillionth time to put her hand in front of her mouth when coughing.

"I don't have any coughs anymore."

Nathalie (stevienixed), Tuesday, 3 February 2009 08:37 (twelve years ago) link

Every male person outside the family is currently known and greeted as 'Funny Man'. Or occasionally 'Mr Tumble' (the latter unfortunately applies to women as well).

Archel, Tuesday, 3 February 2009 11:25 (twelve years ago) link


JAM, DWANGELA, RELLY! (sunny successor), Tuesday, 3 February 2009 14:28 (twelve years ago) link

In the elevator at the gym with my wife, Owen read another woman's thoughts by asking "are you twins?" and then answered himself "yeah."

schwantz, Saturday, 7 February 2009 05:39 (twelve years ago) link


JAM, DWANGELA, RELLY! (sunny successor), Saturday, 7 February 2009 14:40 (twelve years ago) link

Thank you for starting this thread. I love this stuff.

A friend at work has a two year old who has started using "Obama" as a name for pretty much everyone. He asks qustions all the time about Obama too. They're potty training him and so the other night she was asking Henry who poops. He said, "Mama poops and Daddy poops and Henry poops!" She asked who else poops thinking he's say grandma or something and he replied with, "Obama poops!!"

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Saturday, 7 February 2009 15:31 (twelve years ago) link

my 7 year old nephew to his mom:

"I stopped sucking my thumb. When you get older it loses its taste."

sleeve, Tuesday, 10 February 2009 02:17 (twelve years ago) link

That is exactly what I concluded about thumb-sucking (at an embarrassingly older age). Though it took having my arm in a plaster cast for seemingly years (I broke my arm three times in quick succession) to stop me in the end.

Also, Obama totally does poop!

Archel, Tuesday, 10 February 2009 09:35 (twelve years ago) link

Re: Honeymoon - "Did you GO to the moon?"

lemmy tristano (James Redd and the Blecchs), Thursday, 12 February 2009 00:16 (twelve years ago) link

my son when 3ish, upon eating something good: "I can't believe my mouth!" I promise he made this up himself.

Euler, Thursday, 12 February 2009 00:20 (twelve years ago) link


Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Thursday, 12 February 2009 00:23 (twelve years ago) link

My kids are too old for their current sayings to be here...

But, Alice (particularly) would say such WTF things back in the day. Most (or, man) are all over ILE, but here's one of the top ones...

She was about four, I reckon.

I was explaining the whole "eggs in mummy's tummy" business.

Alice: "But how did the eggs get there?"
Me: "They were all there when Mummy was born"
Alice: "hmm. So, that means My egg and Amber's egg are exactly the same age"
Me: ".... yeah!"
Alice: (saying nothing, but now has decided Amber doesn't have 2 years superiority anymore)

Mark G, Friday, 13 February 2009 11:10 (twelve years ago) link

Ophelia told her father: "Wannes is in love with me." I know, not the darndest thing but still made go all AAAAAWWWWWWWWW.

Nathalie (stevienixed), Friday, 13 February 2009 14:13 (twelve years ago) link

my son when 3ish, upon eating something good: "I can't believe my mouth!" I promise he made this up himself.

― Euler, Wednesday, February 11, 2009 7:20 PM (1 week ago) Bookmark

Get that kid a TV commercial.

Bonobos in Paneradise (Hurting 2), Sunday, 22 February 2009 07:21 (twelve years ago) link

haha yeah

i was driving beeps home from daycare last week and had silver jews playing in the car. so black and brown blues comes on and i start singing along at the top of my voice when i look in the rear view mirror and beeps is smacking her knee along with the song with a big smile on her face. she catches me looking at her and says 'you go, mama!'. let it be known i have the worst singing voice ever. kid is good for the ego.

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 22 February 2009 14:57 (twelve years ago) link

I will work on the tv thing!

I love that my kids love my singing. It helps that it's mutual; when they're caterwauling away I tend to complement them (you know, like you do when they bring you their latest painting or sculpture).

My youngest kid, age 2, went canvassing with my wife for the Dems during the campaign last fall. Now she's taken to calling the paper subscription inserts in magazines, "Democrats". I guess it's because they're like the voter info cards that we distributed? But now she is hoarding a big pile of these things and gets angry when you take her Democrats. Silly stuff but I love it.

Euler, Sunday, 22 February 2009 16:21 (twelve years ago) link

I love that all the two year old kids in SF know and mangle the words "Barack Obama."

schwantz, Monday, 23 February 2009 17:25 (twelve years ago) link

nothing like this ever happens to me

鬼の手 (Edward III), Monday, 23 February 2009 17:59 (twelve years ago) link

Howie knows a lot of animal names but always calls a cat "Miaow", even though he can spell the word. Hence the following conversation:

Us: "Howie, what's the first letter of cat?"
Howie: "C!"
"And what's the second letter of cat?"
"And what's the last letter of cat?"
"[Pointing to letters in book] So, what does 'C-A-T' spell, Howie?"
"[Thinks for a moment...} Miaow!"

Meg (Meg Busset), Monday, 23 February 2009 23:28 (twelve years ago) link

my nearly 12-week-old has been babbling non-stop. it's such a nice change from shrieking.

Oh Why, Sports Coat? (Dr. Superman), Thursday, 26 February 2009 19:17 (twelve years ago) link

(Apologies if I've already told this story on ILX, can't remember)

A few weeks ago, Ava was being extremely naughty, pushing Pam away, shouting "Don't talk to me! Don't look at me!", etc. Pam wrote down "Naughty girls don't get visits from their friends or treats or get to go to the park" on a slip of paper and handed it to the noncommunicative hell-child.

Ava read it out loud, looked at the paper for a few seconds and then announced, "I'm going to tear this into tiny pieces." It was all Pam could do not to burst out laughing right there...

Michael Jones, Saturday, 28 February 2009 21:25 (twelve years ago) link

haa :)

ice cr?m, Sunday, 1 March 2009 00:26 (twelve years ago) link

this morning: "there are so many things in this room, it's like an optical course"

鬼の手 (Edward III), Sunday, 1 March 2009 00:46 (twelve years ago) link

SS, that's the cutest thing ever! Ophelia requests all my music to stop playing so she can listen to her music. Grrr. Elisabeth loves most music we play. This morning she immediately started waving her hand when Marvin Gaye started singing. She also looooves Pulsinger.

Nathalie (stevienixed), Sunday, 1 March 2009 13:30 (twelve years ago) link

its still so weird to me these little creatures have already developed their own tastes. that silver jews moment was a rare one. usually she'll sit there going 'wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? brobie? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? " etc until we put it on.

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 1 March 2009 14:04 (twelve years ago) link

nickelodeon brainwash

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 1 March 2009 14:04 (twelve years ago) link

she found a tampon and asked what it was. i mumbled her mommy bleeds every month and that it stops the bleeding.

"so mommy leaks."

uh yeah, i guess....

the tip of the tongue taking a trip tralalala (stevienixed), Friday, 6 March 2009 22:33 (twelve years ago) link

Edward, I'm amazed. That's amazing.

How can there be male ladybugs? (Laurel), Friday, 6 March 2009 22:41 (twelve years ago) link

We remembered another one from our son a few years back, when he was 2-ish: out of the blue one day, he asked "why we is not ducks?". I didn't know what to say. Really, why? The mind boggles.

Euler, Saturday, 7 March 2009 01:56 (twelve years ago) link

My friend did this facebook thing earlier where she had to ask her kids a series of questions about herself and write in their answers. Her sons are around 6 and 4, I think.

Q: How tall is your Mom?

A: "15 degrees" -Ben "Probably 10 inches high" -Zac

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Saturday, 7 March 2009 04:50 (twelve years ago) link

i seriously can't get over "15 degrees"

been HOOS, where yyyou steene!? (BIG HOOS aka the steendriver), Saturday, 7 March 2009 05:02 (twelve years ago) link

I know, I love it.

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Saturday, 7 March 2009 05:03 (twelve years ago) link

I showed Beeps a full page face ad of Gisele Bündchen in the lastest issure of Glamour and asked 'who is that?' She replied 'Mama!' Damn straight.

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 8 March 2009 03:30 (twelve years ago) link

keep that one around!

yur twit (tehresa), Sunday, 8 March 2009 03:35 (twelve years ago) link

hopefully her eyesight will never improve

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 8 March 2009 03:37 (twelve years ago) link

Howie does that when we read the book 'Terrible Trolls' -- points at them and says "Mummy! Daddy!"

I will have to send him round to Beeps for some training.

Meg (Meg Busset), Sunday, 8 March 2009 13:02 (twelve years ago) link

I showed Beeps a full page face ad of Gisele Bündchen in the lastest issure of Glamour and asked 'who is that?' She replied 'Mama!' Damn straight.

A keeper! :-)

the tip of the tongue taking a trip tralalala (stevienixed), Monday, 9 March 2009 14:19 (twelve years ago) link

z (4-yr-old) industriously constructing puzzle on the floor, while rex (11 mos.) repeatedly crawls through it, picks up pieces, sticks them in his mouth, etc. z fairly patiently nudges rex away two or three times, says "no, rex," but on about the 4th time, in exasperation, he yelps, "DAMMIT REX!"

paper plans (tipsy mothra), Monday, 16 March 2009 23:50 (twelve years ago) link

kids swearing: classic. One of my kids didn't really understand what the word dammit was, so he'd say, "debit", as in "debit card", which got us off the hook with my mother-in-law.

Euler, Tuesday, 17 March 2009 00:27 (twelve years ago) link

z (4-yr-old) industriously constructing puzzle on the floor, while rex (11 mos.) repeatedly crawls through it, picks up pieces, sticks them in his mouth, etc. z fairly patiently nudges rex away two or three times, says "no, rex," but on about the 4th time, in exasperation, he yelps, "DAMMIT REX!"

― paper plans (tipsy mothra), Monday, March 16, 2009 6:50 PM (2 hours ago) Bookmark

ok so this is the funniest/cuetest thing i have read in a while

i like to fart and i am crazy (gbx), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 02:01 (twelve years ago) link

Agreed. That's so cute.

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 12:37 (twelve years ago) link

it cracked us up. but i guess we need to do some policing of it before he gets to kindergarten.

paper plans (tipsy mothra), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 17:08 (twelve years ago) link

Apparently in kindergarten I referred to a toy car as "that goddamn son of a bitch". Wasn't mad, that's just what I called it.

WmC, Tuesday, 17 March 2009 17:14 (twelve years ago) link

i once very cheerfully yelled to my pal "see you later, asshole!" as our parents were taking us home from preschool. my mom was not, uh, thrilled

i like to fart and i am crazy (gbx), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 21:54 (twelve years ago) link

^ That is awesome.

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 22:51 (twelve years ago) link

ha i once came home from school in 1st or 2nd grade and told my parents "the bus driver is an asshole" not really knowing what that meant :-/

HHooHHHooHH-oob (harbl), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 22:53 (twelve years ago) link

Alice has been known to bang her fist on the table and yell 'dammit!' but I strongly suspect her dad has been coaching her for his own amusement. Though come to think of it she's also started a thing of regularly shouting 'it's a deal!' and shaking hands with us. Clearly a future CEO :(

Archel, Thursday, 19 March 2009 09:36 (twelve years ago) link

OK, heree goez:

In Venice, back at the flat, playing whist:

Mum: "Hearts!"
Alice: (Oh, fuMMMFTH)

The sound of Alice slapping her hand over her mouth, too late.
She got embarrassed, we just laffed. (She was 8)

Mark G, Monday, 23 March 2009 14:02 (twelve years ago) link

"A box? With a boxing glove on a spring? And it hits you in the face when you open it? That's a classic booby trap"

joygoat, Thursday, 12 November 2020 16:50 (five months ago) link


na (NA), Thursday, 12 November 2020 17:24 (five months ago) link

“Hey, what does ‘granite’ mean?”
Granite? It’s a kind of rock.
“No, the other kind of ‘granite’ – like, ‘don’t take me for granite.’”
Oh, granted – that means “given.” To take something for granted means you don’t appreciate—
(ignoring me) “Hey, I’ve got a pun for you: what did one wall say to the other wall?”
Uh... I’ll meet you at the corner?
“No – don’t take me for ‘granite’!”

it's AG in your faaaace.... (morrisp), Wednesday, 18 November 2020 03:54 (four months ago) link


terminators of endearment (VegemiteGrrl), Wednesday, 18 November 2020 04:01 (four months ago) link

Actual lol

obliquity of the ecliptic (rrrobyn), Tuesday, 24 November 2020 00:35 (four months ago) link

Was explaining something regarding the origin of humans to my 7 year old when my 4 year old gives her theory:

"First there were dinosaurs, then there were pirates, then there were dragons, then there were doctors, then there was us"

I was unable to get any explanation for the pirates, but the doctors were there before us because "we all used to be babies and you need doctors for babies to be born"

― silverfish, Tuesday, August 18, 2020 10:27 AM (three months ago) bookmarkflaglink

I guess my daughter must have learned something about evolution somewhere because a couple of days ago she asked me if monkeys fed us bananas when all humans were still babies.

silverfish, Thursday, 3 December 2020 19:27 (four months ago) link

My son made up a Christmas song:

Christmas vacation, Christmas vacation/
Spitting on the gods of our nation

Muswell Hillbilly Elegy (President Keyes), Thursday, 3 December 2020 19:55 (four months ago) link


is right unfortunately (silby), Thursday, 3 December 2020 19:57 (four months ago) link

I'd buy that 7"

dan selzer, Thursday, 3 December 2020 21:11 (four months ago) link

This morning Opal said she's the opposite of a baguette, because she's hard on the inside (her bones) and soft on the outside (her skin).

dan selzer, Thursday, 3 December 2020 21:12 (four months ago) link

y'all have smart kids

is right unfortunately (silby), Thursday, 3 December 2020 21:44 (four months ago) link

you better believe it

Li'l Brexit (Tracer Hand), Thursday, 3 December 2020 21:56 (four months ago) link

"'Variety' is a gene, right?"
"Yeah, you know... 'Variety' is a gene?"
I don't... what?
"A gene!"
A gene? Like... the things in your DNA?
"No, a gene you can watch!"
A gene you can watch?
"Yeah - I was searching for some, but couldn't find any. A kind of show... I don't know how to pronounce it!"
Ohhh... a GENRE.

(he's into the concept of 'variety shows' lately, via his Muppet interests.)

wet tip hen ax (egg drop mix) (morrisp), Tuesday, 8 December 2020 03:14 (four months ago) link

all the kids are into variety shows these days

Daniel_Rf, Tuesday, 8 December 2020 11:06 (four months ago) link

kid interpreted the 'pitch' in the phrase 'pitch black' to mean very or extremely, so now he describes things as 'pitch loud' or 'pitch cold'

opening up our box of seasonal christmas decorations has reintroduced him to this stupid singing christmas dog toy that one of his grandmothers got him a few years ago. It looks slightly different but the goddamn song is the same as this one:

Anyway yesterday he asked us if we could only pick one to listen to, would we pick the animatronic dog, or the Grateful Dead? He argued for the dog because the Dead's catalog is too slow and the songs are too long.

joygoat, Tuesday, 8 December 2020 14:38 (four months ago) link

kid otm

early-Woolf semantic prosody (Hadrian VIII), Tuesday, 8 December 2020 14:42 (four months ago) link

As I uncorked a bottle of wine:

“You’ve had that all this time?!”
Huh? I just got it last week.
“But it says ‘2018’...”

good karma, my aesthetic (morrisp), Friday, 11 December 2020 01:24 (four months ago) link

Our 4 year old apparently thinks the lyrics to her christmas nativity song are "It was on a starry night, when the hills were bright, ugly sleeping, sleeping calm and still".

ledge, Friday, 11 December 2020 09:11 (four months ago) link

My five year was talking about Christmas and anticipating opening her presents on Christmas morning and then suddenly says: "I hope Santa doesn't get Covid19"

silverfish, Friday, 11 December 2020 16:12 (four months ago) link

From a friend's 8 yr old:

Today, when she got home from the dentist.
Me: How did the laughing gas go?
Child: I met Kasey Musgraves.

change display name (Jordan), Friday, 11 December 2020 17:45 (four months ago) link

lmao asked & answered

terminators of endearment (VegemiteGrrl), Friday, 11 December 2020 18:18 (four months ago) link

6yo and his dad were talking about family trees.
6yo: I'll never forget you, daddy
dad: aww
6yo: because I'll write you down on a piece of paper

kinder, Saturday, 19 December 2020 09:19 (three months ago) link

Opal's been a nightmare, and fighting bedtime, though tonight she did a bit of cute stalling.

Called me back into her room and said

"Daddy, where is starry?"

who's starry?

"The star shape on my ceiling that I stare at every night"

This is the first we've heard of this. I look up, see nothing there.

"Where is starry my star friend, she's my best friend"

I don't know, maybe it's too cloudy.

"Maybe she's sleeping!"

Yes, that's a good guess, she's probably sleeping.

"No Daddy, she's not sleeping...stars are nocturnal"

dan selzer, Sunday, 20 December 2020 05:31 (three months ago) link

A few days ago she said looking for shapes in the clouds is looking for "cloud constellations" and today she was making out shapes in the snow which are, you guessed it, "snow constellations"

dan selzer, Sunday, 20 December 2020 05:32 (three months ago) link

"Daddy, where is starry?"

maybe she is an ilxor!

cerebral halsey (rip van wanko), Sunday, 20 December 2020 06:13 (three months ago) link

> constellations

Hadn't really noticed the stella = star part of this before, otherwise she'd be spot on.

koogs, Sunday, 20 December 2020 06:41 (three months ago) link

rvw otm

Li'l Brexit (Tracer Hand), Sunday, 20 December 2020 10:14 (three months ago) link

Li'l Brexit (Tracer Hand) at 10:41 11 Dec 19
last christmas, i pooed in my pants
the very next day, i peed in my pants
This is eternal.

peace, man, Sunday, 20 December 2020 20:33 (three months ago) link

oh man. i've been thinking about that one a lot, too.

Li'l Brexit (Tracer Hand), Sunday, 20 December 2020 23:49 (three months ago) link

“Daddy—what’s TikTok?”


Qui-Gon's Noble End (morrisp), Wednesday, 23 December 2020 01:30 (three months ago) link

My sister recently got a new kitten called Buttons. 3-year old niece insists that Buttons "Is not a good name for a cat" and that it should be called Stain instead.

Specific Ocean Blue (dog latin), Wednesday, 30 December 2020 12:08 (three months ago) link


Tsar Bombadil (James Morrison), Wednesday, 30 December 2020 21:56 (three months ago) link

My wife's 3yo niece when her <1yo sister wouldn't go in the wendy house: "get in you stupid bugger"

ledge, Monday, 4 January 2021 15:40 (three months ago) link

Haha, that's a riot!

peace, man, Monday, 4 January 2021 15:47 (three months ago) link

Tweens text the damndest things:

pplains, Tuesday, 5 January 2021 14:03 (three months ago) link

My sister recently got a new kitten called Buttons. 3-year old niece insists that Buttons "Is not a good name for a cat" and that it should be called Stain instead.

― Specific Ocean Blue (dog latin), Wednesday, December 30, 2020 12:08 PM (six days ago) bookmarkflaglink

Update: My brother also got a kitten at the same time, named Pablo. Pablo is also "not a good name for a cat". Apparently "Pen-ON" (with the emphasis on "ON") is much more suitable.

Specific Ocean Blue (dog latin), Tuesday, 5 January 2021 14:34 (three months ago) link

I want this girl to re-name every cat.

peace, man, Tuesday, 5 January 2021 14:40 (three months ago) link

these are my cats, stain and pen-ON

superdeep borehole (harbl), Tuesday, 5 January 2021 14:54 (three months ago) link

love the vine txt

shivers me timber (sic), Tuesday, 5 January 2021 20:12 (three months ago) link

3-year old niece (Whatsapp Audio message): ""Good morning everybody! Happy New Year! Happy birthday! Merry St Lucia!"

Specific Ocean Blue (dog latin), Tuesday, 19 January 2021 10:28 (two months ago) link

"I don't want any more nightmares! I only want dreams about turtles!"

silverfish, Tuesday, 19 January 2021 14:59 (two months ago) link

feeling it

John Wesley Glasscock (Hadrian VIII), Tuesday, 19 January 2021 15:13 (two months ago) link

one month passes...

silverfish at 8:43 14 Nov. 17

"Earth is my favorite planet because that's where my friends live"


"I like Saturn because that's where space unicorns live"

silverfish, Tuesday, 23 February 2021 23:42 (one month ago) link

Can't argue with that.

Tsar Bombadil (James Morrison), Wednesday, 24 February 2021 01:03 (one month ago) link

"daddy you know Chris Brown?"

warily.. "yeah"

"is he a lesbian?"

"is he a what?"

"a lesbian. is Chris Brown a lesbian?"

"you know what a lesbian is, right?"


"well, Chris Brown is a man"

"yeah i know. but he looks like a lesbian"

Li'l Brexit (Tracer Hand), Monday, 1 March 2021 14:51 (one month ago) link

How we say goodnight to the 14-year-old.

I compare B's cat to Buster Keaton

SUNNY: How is she going to know who Buster Keaton is?

ME: Well, hell? How would I know who Buster Keaton is? Dude was famous 50 years before I was born!

SUNNY: Do you know who Buster Keaton was?

B: No.

ME: He was a silent film star. See, when I was born, talkees were already popular.

SUNNY: *sighs*. Do you even know what talkees are?

B: No. But it sounds racist.

pplains, Monday, 1 March 2021 15:28 (one month ago) link

two weeks pass...

So we do co-sleeping :

A: Dad, can I have a little lie in before [my little sister] comes in?
D: Of course.
A: Because your snoring kept me awake all night.

Ignore the neighsayers: grow a lemon tree (ledge), Saturday, 20 March 2021 09:46 (three weeks ago) link


terminators of endearment (VegemiteGrrl), Saturday, 20 March 2021 14:34 (three weeks ago) link

Opal calls hearing “earsight”

dan selzer, Saturday, 20 March 2021 16:00 (three weeks ago) link

two weeks pass...

“When a police officer dies they lost the flag a little bit. When the flag touches the ground it means they are all dead.”

Muswell Hillbilly Elegy (President Keyes), Sunday, 4 April 2021 00:19 (one week ago) link

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