Kids say the darndest things

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I had to post this, since I've been cracking up about it since Saturday.

The boys were in the bath, and they started screeching:


My wife: Ben! Use your inside voice.

Ben (quietly): eeeeeEEEEEeeeee.

schwantz, Monday, 2 February 2009 22:58 (thirteen years ago) link

I heartily endorse this thread/post.

PappaWheelie V, Monday, 2 February 2009 23:11 (thirteen years ago) link

When I told Ophelia told her for the gazillionth time to put her hand in front of her mouth when coughing.

"I don't have any coughs anymore."

Nathalie (stevienixed), Tuesday, 3 February 2009 08:37 (thirteen years ago) link

Every male person outside the family is currently known and greeted as 'Funny Man'. Or occasionally 'Mr Tumble' (the latter unfortunately applies to women as well).

Archel, Tuesday, 3 February 2009 11:25 (thirteen years ago) link


JAM, DWANGELA, RELLY! (sunny successor), Tuesday, 3 February 2009 14:28 (thirteen years ago) link

In the elevator at the gym with my wife, Owen read another woman's thoughts by asking "are you twins?" and then answered himself "yeah."

schwantz, Saturday, 7 February 2009 05:39 (thirteen years ago) link


JAM, DWANGELA, RELLY! (sunny successor), Saturday, 7 February 2009 14:40 (thirteen years ago) link

Thank you for starting this thread. I love this stuff.

A friend at work has a two year old who has started using "Obama" as a name for pretty much everyone. He asks qustions all the time about Obama too. They're potty training him and so the other night she was asking Henry who poops. He said, "Mama poops and Daddy poops and Henry poops!" She asked who else poops thinking he's say grandma or something and he replied with, "Obama poops!!"

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Saturday, 7 February 2009 15:31 (thirteen years ago) link

my 7 year old nephew to his mom:

"I stopped sucking my thumb. When you get older it loses its taste."

sleeve, Tuesday, 10 February 2009 02:17 (thirteen years ago) link

That is exactly what I concluded about thumb-sucking (at an embarrassingly older age). Though it took having my arm in a plaster cast for seemingly years (I broke my arm three times in quick succession) to stop me in the end.

Also, Obama totally does poop!

Archel, Tuesday, 10 February 2009 09:35 (thirteen years ago) link

Re: Honeymoon - "Did you GO to the moon?"

lemmy tristano (James Redd and the Blecchs), Thursday, 12 February 2009 00:16 (thirteen years ago) link

my son when 3ish, upon eating something good: "I can't believe my mouth!" I promise he made this up himself.

Euler, Thursday, 12 February 2009 00:20 (thirteen years ago) link


Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Thursday, 12 February 2009 00:23 (thirteen years ago) link

My kids are too old for their current sayings to be here...

But, Alice (particularly) would say such WTF things back in the day. Most (or, man) are all over ILE, but here's one of the top ones...

She was about four, I reckon.

I was explaining the whole "eggs in mummy's tummy" business.

Alice: "But how did the eggs get there?"
Me: "They were all there when Mummy was born"
Alice: "hmm. So, that means My egg and Amber's egg are exactly the same age"
Me: ".... yeah!"
Alice: (saying nothing, but now has decided Amber doesn't have 2 years superiority anymore)

Mark G, Friday, 13 February 2009 11:10 (thirteen years ago) link

Ophelia told her father: "Wannes is in love with me." I know, not the darndest thing but still made go all AAAAAWWWWWWWWW.

Nathalie (stevienixed), Friday, 13 February 2009 14:13 (thirteen years ago) link

my son when 3ish, upon eating something good: "I can't believe my mouth!" I promise he made this up himself.

― Euler, Wednesday, February 11, 2009 7:20 PM (1 week ago) Bookmark

Get that kid a TV commercial.

Bonobos in Paneradise (Hurting 2), Sunday, 22 February 2009 07:21 (thirteen years ago) link

haha yeah

i was driving beeps home from daycare last week and had silver jews playing in the car. so black and brown blues comes on and i start singing along at the top of my voice when i look in the rear view mirror and beeps is smacking her knee along with the song with a big smile on her face. she catches me looking at her and says 'you go, mama!'. let it be known i have the worst singing voice ever. kid is good for the ego.

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 22 February 2009 14:57 (thirteen years ago) link

I will work on the tv thing!

I love that my kids love my singing. It helps that it's mutual; when they're caterwauling away I tend to complement them (you know, like you do when they bring you their latest painting or sculpture).

My youngest kid, age 2, went canvassing with my wife for the Dems during the campaign last fall. Now she's taken to calling the paper subscription inserts in magazines, "Democrats". I guess it's because they're like the voter info cards that we distributed? But now she is hoarding a big pile of these things and gets angry when you take her Democrats. Silly stuff but I love it.

Euler, Sunday, 22 February 2009 16:21 (thirteen years ago) link

I love that all the two year old kids in SF know and mangle the words "Barack Obama."

schwantz, Monday, 23 February 2009 17:25 (thirteen years ago) link

nothing like this ever happens to me

鬼の手 (Edward III), Monday, 23 February 2009 17:59 (thirteen years ago) link

Howie knows a lot of animal names but always calls a cat "Miaow", even though he can spell the word. Hence the following conversation:

Us: "Howie, what's the first letter of cat?"
Howie: "C!"
"And what's the second letter of cat?"
"And what's the last letter of cat?"
"[Pointing to letters in book] So, what does 'C-A-T' spell, Howie?"
"[Thinks for a moment...} Miaow!"

Meg (Meg Busset), Monday, 23 February 2009 23:28 (thirteen years ago) link

my nearly 12-week-old has been babbling non-stop. it's such a nice change from shrieking.

Oh Why, Sports Coat? (Dr. Superman), Thursday, 26 February 2009 19:17 (thirteen years ago) link

(Apologies if I've already told this story on ILX, can't remember)

A few weeks ago, Ava was being extremely naughty, pushing Pam away, shouting "Don't talk to me! Don't look at me!", etc. Pam wrote down "Naughty girls don't get visits from their friends or treats or get to go to the park" on a slip of paper and handed it to the noncommunicative hell-child.

Ava read it out loud, looked at the paper for a few seconds and then announced, "I'm going to tear this into tiny pieces." It was all Pam could do not to burst out laughing right there...

Michael Jones, Saturday, 28 February 2009 21:25 (thirteen years ago) link

haa :)

ice cr?m, Sunday, 1 March 2009 00:26 (thirteen years ago) link

this morning: "there are so many things in this room, it's like an optical course"

鬼の手 (Edward III), Sunday, 1 March 2009 00:46 (thirteen years ago) link

SS, that's the cutest thing ever! Ophelia requests all my music to stop playing so she can listen to her music. Grrr. Elisabeth loves most music we play. This morning she immediately started waving her hand when Marvin Gaye started singing. She also looooves Pulsinger.

Nathalie (stevienixed), Sunday, 1 March 2009 13:30 (thirteen years ago) link

its still so weird to me these little creatures have already developed their own tastes. that silver jews moment was a rare one. usually she'll sit there going 'wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? brobie? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? " etc until we put it on.

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 1 March 2009 14:04 (thirteen years ago) link

nickelodeon brainwash

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 1 March 2009 14:04 (thirteen years ago) link

she found a tampon and asked what it was. i mumbled her mommy bleeds every month and that it stops the bleeding.

"so mommy leaks."

uh yeah, i guess....

the tip of the tongue taking a trip tralalala (stevienixed), Friday, 6 March 2009 22:33 (thirteen years ago) link

Edward, I'm amazed. That's amazing.

How can there be male ladybugs? (Laurel), Friday, 6 March 2009 22:41 (thirteen years ago) link

We remembered another one from our son a few years back, when he was 2-ish: out of the blue one day, he asked "why we is not ducks?". I didn't know what to say. Really, why? The mind boggles.

Euler, Saturday, 7 March 2009 01:56 (thirteen years ago) link

My friend did this facebook thing earlier where she had to ask her kids a series of questions about herself and write in their answers. Her sons are around 6 and 4, I think.

Q: How tall is your Mom?

A: "15 degrees" -Ben "Probably 10 inches high" -Zac

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Saturday, 7 March 2009 04:50 (thirteen years ago) link

i seriously can't get over "15 degrees"

been HOOS, where yyyou steene!? (BIG HOOS aka the steendriver), Saturday, 7 March 2009 05:02 (thirteen years ago) link

I know, I love it.

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Saturday, 7 March 2009 05:03 (thirteen years ago) link

I showed Beeps a full page face ad of Gisele Bündchen in the lastest issure of Glamour and asked 'who is that?' She replied 'Mama!' Damn straight.

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 8 March 2009 03:30 (thirteen years ago) link

keep that one around!

yur twit (tehresa), Sunday, 8 March 2009 03:35 (thirteen years ago) link

hopefully her eyesight will never improve

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 8 March 2009 03:37 (thirteen years ago) link

Howie does that when we read the book 'Terrible Trolls' -- points at them and says "Mummy! Daddy!"

I will have to send him round to Beeps for some training.

Meg (Meg Busset), Sunday, 8 March 2009 13:02 (thirteen years ago) link

I showed Beeps a full page face ad of Gisele Bündchen in the lastest issure of Glamour and asked 'who is that?' She replied 'Mama!' Damn straight.

A keeper! :-)

the tip of the tongue taking a trip tralalala (stevienixed), Monday, 9 March 2009 14:19 (thirteen years ago) link

z (4-yr-old) industriously constructing puzzle on the floor, while rex (11 mos.) repeatedly crawls through it, picks up pieces, sticks them in his mouth, etc. z fairly patiently nudges rex away two or three times, says "no, rex," but on about the 4th time, in exasperation, he yelps, "DAMMIT REX!"

paper plans (tipsy mothra), Monday, 16 March 2009 23:50 (thirteen years ago) link

kids swearing: classic. One of my kids didn't really understand what the word dammit was, so he'd say, "debit", as in "debit card", which got us off the hook with my mother-in-law.

Euler, Tuesday, 17 March 2009 00:27 (thirteen years ago) link

z (4-yr-old) industriously constructing puzzle on the floor, while rex (11 mos.) repeatedly crawls through it, picks up pieces, sticks them in his mouth, etc. z fairly patiently nudges rex away two or three times, says "no, rex," but on about the 4th time, in exasperation, he yelps, "DAMMIT REX!"

― paper plans (tipsy mothra), Monday, March 16, 2009 6:50 PM (2 hours ago) Bookmark

ok so this is the funniest/cuetest thing i have read in a while

i like to fart and i am crazy (gbx), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 02:01 (thirteen years ago) link

Agreed. That's so cute.

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 12:37 (thirteen years ago) link

it cracked us up. but i guess we need to do some policing of it before he gets to kindergarten.

paper plans (tipsy mothra), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 17:08 (thirteen years ago) link

Apparently in kindergarten I referred to a toy car as "that goddamn son of a bitch". Wasn't mad, that's just what I called it.

WmC, Tuesday, 17 March 2009 17:14 (thirteen years ago) link

i once very cheerfully yelled to my pal "see you later, asshole!" as our parents were taking us home from preschool. my mom was not, uh, thrilled

i like to fart and i am crazy (gbx), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 21:54 (thirteen years ago) link

^ That is awesome.

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 22:51 (thirteen years ago) link

ha i once came home from school in 1st or 2nd grade and told my parents "the bus driver is an asshole" not really knowing what that meant :-/

HHooHHHooHH-oob (harbl), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 22:53 (thirteen years ago) link

Alice has been known to bang her fist on the table and yell 'dammit!' but I strongly suspect her dad has been coaching her for his own amusement. Though come to think of it she's also started a thing of regularly shouting 'it's a deal!' and shaking hands with us. Clearly a future CEO :(

Archel, Thursday, 19 March 2009 09:36 (thirteen years ago) link

OK, heree goez:

In Venice, back at the flat, playing whist:

Mum: "Hearts!"
Alice: (Oh, fuMMMFTH)

The sound of Alice slapping her hand over her mouth, too late.
She got embarrassed, we just laffed. (She was 8)

Mark G, Monday, 23 March 2009 14:02 (thirteen years ago) link

Love it.

DJI, Thursday, 24 March 2022 19:17 (six months ago) link

Opal's really into drawing and she starting to learn how to write (a bit) and read (a very little bit) so she's always asking us how to spell words. Tonight as she was lying in bed and I was looking for a book for her to read, she said "daddy, how do you spell pazook". I had to ask her 5 times what word she was trying to ask about and kept saying "that's not a real word" and finally "can you use it in a sentence" and she said, you know, when you're surprised and you say oh my, pazooks! So I said, do you mean "gadzooks"? and she said yeah. It was just cute, and I have no idea where she got it in her head to say "gadzooks". She ended up making a 2pg comic strip on two stickies. One had a guy's face and a talk bubble that said "boo!" (officially the first word she ever learned to spell/write) and the other page had another guy, seemingly shocked, saying "gadzooks!"

dan selzer, Saturday, 26 March 2022 05:01 (six months ago) link

that is really cute and clever and darling

estela, Saturday, 26 March 2022 21:56 (six months ago) link

My 7yo went on and on praising Lee Harvey Oswald's marksmanship-- "He was a very good shot. You can't take that away from him."

Chappies banging dustbin lids together (President Keyes), Monday, 28 March 2022 15:02 (six months ago) link

That is exactly the right response! 🤣

DJI, Monday, 28 March 2022 15:05 (six months ago) link

a future @dril on our hands

Lavator Shemmelpennick, Monday, 28 March 2022 16:37 (six months ago) link


Please don’t take / My time change away (morrisp), Monday, 28 March 2022 22:15 (six months ago) link

Opal has never heard a Weird Al song but it's come up once or twice, where I've explained how he sang "eat it" or whatever. I guess it's one of those things that stuck with her because this morning we were talking about Ain't No Stopping Us Now, which is what her school plays as all the kids come out for pick-up (which is insanely cute), and I referred to it as the pick-up song and said "I thought you said hiccup song" and I said no and she said "that's what Weird Al would sing, he'd call it the hiccup song".

Just kinda cracked me up that she'd think about that. I guess I should probably play her some Weird Al. But I guess I have to play her the original songs too.

dan selzer, Monday, 4 April 2022 16:11 (six months ago) link

Aw man, that's so cute.

peace, man, Monday, 4 April 2022 16:20 (six months ago) link

My youngest is 11. He's at the age where he's more or less self-sufficient and has developed a sense of modesty. However, I occasionally give him a hand with washing his hair because it starts to smell like wet dog. Last night, as I was rubbing shampoo into his scalp, he said, "You don't have to be so damn aggressive."

immodesty blaise (jimbeaux), Monday, 4 April 2022 16:24 (six months ago) link

oh man, the "wet dog" smell – can totally relate.

ass time permits (morrisp), Monday, 4 April 2022 19:18 (six months ago) link

This isn't really a "darndest thing"; but last week, I told my son he could open an Incognito tab in Chrome, for a coding project he was working on (something about being able to have two accounts open at once, without being logged in on one of them). I told him, straight up – "Please don't use Incognito mode without asking us; we need to know what you're doing online." (I figure if he knows about Incognito mode, may as well be straight about it and have to rely on trust.)

Later, he asked, "Why would someone use Incognito mode, anyway?" I was like, "Uh... for example, if you share a computer with someone and you're shopping for a gift, and don't want them to see." He said, "But that's the only reason, right?" I told him sometimes ppl just don't want cookies on their computer, etc.

ass time permits (morrisp), Monday, 4 April 2022 19:27 (six months ago) link

To cheat at Wordle

kinder, Monday, 4 April 2022 19:33 (six months ago) link

three weeks pass...

At preschool pickup this week, a classmate of our daughter walked by, and our daughter said:

“Well, she’s living her best life!”

Hops: Mosaic, Citra, Simcoe (morrisp), Saturday, 30 April 2022 22:06 (five months ago) link

(she sometimes picks up phrases like that without quite knowing what they mean)

Hops: Mosaic, Citra, Simcoe (morrisp), Saturday, 30 April 2022 22:06 (five months ago) link

We were driving into bright sunshine this morning and the eldest one said "Ah. The sun. My beloathed."

may the florist be with you (Ye Mad Puffin), Tuesday, 10 May 2022 03:12 (four months ago) link


mark s, Tuesday, 10 May 2022 08:45 (four months ago) link

That's amazing.

peace, man, Tuesday, 10 May 2022 12:23 (four months ago) link

Local news was on the TV, due to fires nearby (we don't normally have the news on). My kid:

"Why is he standing in front of a fire, and talking to the camera?"
– It's the news, he's reporting from the scene.
"Isn't that breaking the fourth wall?"

Bob Dylan's iconic Ray Ban sunglasses (morrisp), Thursday, 12 May 2022 22:12 (four months ago) link

two weeks pass...

Sometimes they do the darnedest things: apparently a 2nd grader at my kid's school took $1400 from his grandmother's purse and passed it all out to his classmates yesterday.

early rejecter, Friday, 27 May 2022 17:54 (four months ago) link

Grandma's just holding $1400 in cash?

peace, man, Friday, 27 May 2022 17:56 (four months ago) link

showing me a lego house she built and describing the owner of the house:

"She's allergic to white whipped cream so she takes blue whipped cream instead and she believes in magical creatures"

silverfish, Friday, 27 May 2022 20:41 (four months ago) link

7 year old: "Dad, one of the sentences in my homework isn't age-appropriate."

"What does it say?"

"'The young couple looked for apples.'"

"Why is that inappropriate?"

"Do you know what it means?"

"I think I do?"


"Well, I know what 'young' means, and I know what 'couple' means..."

"Yeah that's not appropriate. What does that mean?"

"Maybe it's two 25 year-olds who just got married.""

"No. No. 25 is not young. A young couple is not age-appropriate."

early rejecter, Friday, 3 June 2022 14:42 (four months ago) link

I remember how my daughter, upon hearing the term "young adult" asked how you can be both young and an adult.

silverfish, Friday, 3 June 2022 15:03 (four months ago) link

5 year old Opal is obsessed with Greek Mythology. Listening to a podcast called "Greeking Out".

I don't remember how it came up, I think we were talking about constellations but I said "when I die will you send me up to the starts to become a constellation?"

she said "no dad, i can't do that, I'm not Zeus!"

I said oh ok. Then she said "but I can dig a grave for you, I'd do that for you"

I said thank you, that's very nice, assuming I want to be buried. You know a lot of people get cremated, and then their family can sprinkle their ashes somewhere important to them, like their favorite spot in the woods or by the ocean.

She said "I can do that for you" and I said "where would you sprinkle my ashes" and she said "in my room! So you can be with me forever!"

dan selzer, Friday, 3 June 2022 15:18 (four months ago) link

xxp I was predicting there was going to be some hip modern sexual slang meaning of "apples"

Lavator Shemmelpennick, Friday, 3 June 2022 15:26 (four months ago) link

Lol yeah, my first thought was that he was making some sort of Adam and Eve connection.

xp I'm fascinated with the way kids react to the idea of death; my older one never wanted to talk about it (and still doesn't) after asking a few heartbreaking questions about it when he first started to get a sense of what is was (when a spider gets eaten by a bird can it still make webs? do even *pet* dogs and fish die?); my younger one is totally matter-of-fact about it except that he'll rarely use the word "die," preferring "destroyed" instead for some reason. Once he asked me how farmers are able to turn a cow into steak before the cow realizes what's going on and it kind of made me want to go vegetarian again.

early rejecter, Friday, 3 June 2022 17:08 (four months ago) link

my son (7) is learning about it too. I think someone (maybe me!) told him that people die when they hit 100 so now every birthday he tells the person when they are going to die. My grandma just hit 92 and his reaction was "wow! she's going to die soon!"

frogbs, Friday, 3 June 2022 17:11 (four months ago) link

Yes! My kid thought that too. He had a period of wanting to find out everyone's ages and then telling everyone who would die soonest.

kinder, Friday, 3 June 2022 17:55 (four months ago) link

xxp he also asked 'how do they turn water fish into eating fish?' after watching a programme about how they make fishfingers.

kinder, Friday, 3 June 2022 17:56 (four months ago) link

Not mine, but too good not to share —

A friend told us today about having the sex talk with her son recently; when she told him it’s a private, personal thing between two people, he said:

“Yeah, I know… the doctor leaves the room while they do it.”

subject matter expert (morrisp), Sunday, 5 June 2022 06:29 (four months ago) link

when i was a kid i totally thought grownups went to the hospital or a special place to have sex. i mean if babies were born there, in this like, controlled setting, then it stood to reason that you’d want to start the process there too

Tracer Hand, Sunday, 5 June 2022 08:38 (four months ago) link

xp ha, that's great!

kinder, Sunday, 5 June 2022 11:55 (four months ago) link

one month passes...

DJI, Wednesday, 13 July 2022 18:28 (two months ago) link

Kid: "Remember last year, when I played baseball, and had two strikes and three balls?"
Me: Yeah.
Kid: "That's kind of unnatural, right? To have three balls?"
Me: ...... that was actually kind of funny. Did you make it up yourself?
Kid: (with a proud grin) "Yes!"

slide into my KMFDMs (morrisp), Sunday, 24 July 2022 04:49 (two months ago) link

one month passes...

literally everything in the world according to my 13yo is either “sus” or “brazy”, nothing inbetween

Tracer Hand, Saturday, 27 August 2022 08:51 (one month ago) link

felt old, looked up brazy in urban dictionary: "a step above redonkulous"

turns out i am cooler than tracer's 13-yr-old kid after all

mark s, Saturday, 27 August 2022 09:50 (one month ago) link

“sus” or “brazy”, nothing inbetween

the new C or D

Abel Ferrara hard-sci-fi elevator pitch (PBKR), Saturday, 27 August 2022 12:46 (one month ago) link

but which is which? sus used to be suspicious i.e. bad, is it still? or is it now bad meaning good? or something else?

the man with the chili in his eyes (ledge), Saturday, 27 August 2022 12:59 (one month ago) link

not gnna fess up to how long i scrolled thru the among us memes to find a good response to this question

mark s, Saturday, 27 August 2022 15:19 (one month ago) link

Someone just ordered a Chinese Chicken Salad; my kid asked, “What’s the difference between one of our chickens and a chicken raised in China?”

Porcine-lina of the Pig Oceans (morrisp), Sunday, 28 August 2022 01:02 (one month ago) link

Isn’t Brazy Blood-speak?

You can't spell Fearless without Earle (President Keyes), Sunday, 28 August 2022 01:09 (one month ago) link

probably - he is obsessed with 90s rap and gangster culture

Tracer Hand, Sunday, 28 August 2022 13:14 (one month ago) link

(while playing giant jenga)

I just danced in fear like my husband was going to die that very minute!

the man with the chili in his eyes (ledge), Monday, 29 August 2022 12:48 (one month ago) link

watching a silent movie

daughter: Why isn't there any talking in this movie?
Me: Because this is a really old movie
daughter: People didn't know how to talk then?

silverfish, Monday, 29 August 2022 14:18 (one month ago) link

lol i was picturing that Calvin & Hobbes too!!

terminators of endearment (VegemiteGrrl), Tuesday, 30 August 2022 03:32 (one month ago) link

yeah, after the fact it occurred to me that I could have done a whole bit similar to that Calvin & Hobbes strip

silverfish, Tuesday, 30 August 2022 13:27 (one month ago) link

love this email I got from summer camp about my son:

"He mentioned that he saw a cloaked figure in the Camp space which then disappeared. I told him that the stories need to stop, but he mentioned that they were true."

You can't spell Fearless without Earle (President Keyes), Wednesday, 31 August 2022 20:56 (one month ago) link

lol the word "mentioned" is doing a lot of work in that sentence to maintain the facade of casualness. as someone who has spent a lot of summers working at camps, i am very familiar with the delicate dance of trying to communicate with parents in a low key way about things for which children are the ones establishing the level of drama and intensity

Lavator Shemmelpennick, Friday, 2 September 2022 18:29 (one month ago) link

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