Kids say the darndest things

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I had to post this, since I've been cracking up about it since Saturday.

The boys were in the bath, and they started screeching:

Ben: EEEEEEEEEEE! EEEEEEEEEEEE!

My wife: Ben! Use your inside voice.

Ben (quietly): eeeeeEEEEEeeeee.

schwantz, Monday, 2 February 2009 22:58 (nine years ago) Permalink

I heartily endorse this thread/post.

PappaWheelie V, Monday, 2 February 2009 23:11 (nine years ago) Permalink

When I told Ophelia told her for the gazillionth time to put her hand in front of her mouth when coughing.

"I don't have any coughs anymore."

Nathalie (stevienixed), Tuesday, 3 February 2009 08:37 (nine years ago) Permalink

Every male person outside the family is currently known and greeted as 'Funny Man'. Or occasionally 'Mr Tumble' (the latter unfortunately applies to women as well).

Archel, Tuesday, 3 February 2009 11:25 (nine years ago) Permalink

hahaha

JAM, DWANGELA, RELLY! (sunny successor), Tuesday, 3 February 2009 14:28 (nine years ago) Permalink

In the elevator at the gym with my wife, Owen read another woman's thoughts by asking "are you twins?" and then answered himself "yeah."

schwantz, Saturday, 7 February 2009 05:39 (nine years ago) Permalink

hahaha

JAM, DWANGELA, RELLY! (sunny successor), Saturday, 7 February 2009 14:40 (nine years ago) Permalink

Thank you for starting this thread. I love this stuff.

A friend at work has a two year old who has started using "Obama" as a name for pretty much everyone. He asks qustions all the time about Obama too. They're potty training him and so the other night she was asking Henry who poops. He said, "Mama poops and Daddy poops and Henry poops!" She asked who else poops thinking he's say grandma or something and he replied with, "Obama poops!!"

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Saturday, 7 February 2009 15:31 (nine years ago) Permalink

my 7 year old nephew to his mom:

"I stopped sucking my thumb. When you get older it loses its taste."

sleeve, Tuesday, 10 February 2009 02:17 (nine years ago) Permalink

That is exactly what I concluded about thumb-sucking (at an embarrassingly older age). Though it took having my arm in a plaster cast for seemingly years (I broke my arm three times in quick succession) to stop me in the end.

Also, Obama totally does poop!

Archel, Tuesday, 10 February 2009 09:35 (nine years ago) Permalink

Re: Honeymoon - "Did you GO to the moon?"

lemmy tristano (James Redd and the Blecchs), Thursday, 12 February 2009 00:16 (nine years ago) Permalink

my son when 3ish, upon eating something good: "I can't believe my mouth!" I promise he made this up himself.

Euler, Thursday, 12 February 2009 00:20 (nine years ago) Permalink

AWWWWW!!!

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Thursday, 12 February 2009 00:23 (nine years ago) Permalink

My kids are too old for their current sayings to be here...

But, Alice (particularly) would say such WTF things back in the day. Most (or, man) are all over ILE, but here's one of the top ones...

She was about four, I reckon.

I was explaining the whole "eggs in mummy's tummy" business.

Alice: "But how did the eggs get there?"
Me: "They were all there when Mummy was born"
Alice: "hmm. So, that means My egg and Amber's egg are exactly the same age"
Me: ".... yeah!"
Alice: (saying nothing, but now has decided Amber doesn't have 2 years superiority anymore)

Mark G, Friday, 13 February 2009 11:10 (nine years ago) Permalink

Ophelia told her father: "Wannes is in love with me." I know, not the darndest thing but still made go all AAAAAWWWWWWWWW.

Nathalie (stevienixed), Friday, 13 February 2009 14:13 (nine years ago) Permalink

my son when 3ish, upon eating something good: "I can't believe my mouth!" I promise he made this up himself.

― Euler, Wednesday, February 11, 2009 7:20 PM (1 week ago) Bookmark

Get that kid a TV commercial.

Bonobos in Paneradise (Hurting 2), Sunday, 22 February 2009 07:21 (nine years ago) Permalink

haha yeah

i was driving beeps home from daycare last week and had silver jews playing in the car. so black and brown blues comes on and i start singing along at the top of my voice when i look in the rear view mirror and beeps is smacking her knee along with the song with a big smile on her face. she catches me looking at her and says 'you go, mama!'. let it be known i have the worst singing voice ever. kid is good for the ego.

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 22 February 2009 14:57 (nine years ago) Permalink

I will work on the tv thing!

I love that my kids love my singing. It helps that it's mutual; when they're caterwauling away I tend to complement them (you know, like you do when they bring you their latest painting or sculpture).

My youngest kid, age 2, went canvassing with my wife for the Dems during the campaign last fall. Now she's taken to calling the paper subscription inserts in magazines, "Democrats". I guess it's because they're like the voter info cards that we distributed? But now she is hoarding a big pile of these things and gets angry when you take her Democrats. Silly stuff but I love it.

Euler, Sunday, 22 February 2009 16:21 (nine years ago) Permalink

I love that all the two year old kids in SF know and mangle the words "Barack Obama."

schwantz, Monday, 23 February 2009 17:25 (nine years ago) Permalink

nothing like this ever happens to me

鬼の手 (Edward III), Monday, 23 February 2009 17:59 (nine years ago) Permalink

Howie knows a lot of animal names but always calls a cat "Miaow", even though he can spell the word. Hence the following conversation:

Us: "Howie, what's the first letter of cat?"
Howie: "C!"
"And what's the second letter of cat?"
"A!"
"And what's the last letter of cat?"
"T!"
"[Pointing to letters in book] So, what does 'C-A-T' spell, Howie?"
"[Thinks for a moment...} Miaow!"

Meg (Meg Busset), Monday, 23 February 2009 23:28 (nine years ago) Permalink

my nearly 12-week-old has been babbling non-stop. it's such a nice change from shrieking.

Oh Why, Sports Coat? (Dr. Superman), Thursday, 26 February 2009 19:17 (nine years ago) Permalink

(Apologies if I've already told this story on ILX, can't remember)

A few weeks ago, Ava was being extremely naughty, pushing Pam away, shouting "Don't talk to me! Don't look at me!", etc. Pam wrote down "Naughty girls don't get visits from their friends or treats or get to go to the park" on a slip of paper and handed it to the noncommunicative hell-child.

Ava read it out loud, looked at the paper for a few seconds and then announced, "I'm going to tear this into tiny pieces." It was all Pam could do not to burst out laughing right there...

Michael Jones, Saturday, 28 February 2009 21:25 (nine years ago) Permalink

haa :)

ice cr?m, Sunday, 1 March 2009 00:26 (nine years ago) Permalink

this morning: "there are so many things in this room, it's like an optical course"

鬼の手 (Edward III), Sunday, 1 March 2009 00:46 (nine years ago) Permalink

SS, that's the cutest thing ever! Ophelia requests all my music to stop playing so she can listen to her music. Grrr. Elisabeth loves most music we play. This morning she immediately started waving her hand when Marvin Gaye started singing. She also looooves Pulsinger.

Nathalie (stevienixed), Sunday, 1 March 2009 13:30 (nine years ago) Permalink

its still so weird to me these little creatures have already developed their own tastes. that silver jews moment was a rare one. usually she'll sit there going 'wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? brobie? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? " etc until we put it on.

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 1 March 2009 14:04 (nine years ago) Permalink

nickelodeon brainwash

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 1 March 2009 14:04 (nine years ago) Permalink

she found a tampon and asked what it was. i mumbled her mommy bleeds every month and that it stops the bleeding.

"so mommy leaks."

uh yeah, i guess....

the tip of the tongue taking a trip tralalala (stevienixed), Friday, 6 March 2009 22:33 (nine years ago) Permalink

Edward, I'm amazed. That's amazing.

How can there be male ladybugs? (Laurel), Friday, 6 March 2009 22:41 (nine years ago) Permalink

We remembered another one from our son a few years back, when he was 2-ish: out of the blue one day, he asked "why we is not ducks?". I didn't know what to say. Really, why? The mind boggles.

Euler, Saturday, 7 March 2009 01:56 (nine years ago) Permalink

My friend did this facebook thing earlier where she had to ask her kids a series of questions about herself and write in their answers. Her sons are around 6 and 4, I think.

Q: How tall is your Mom?

A: "15 degrees" -Ben "Probably 10 inches high" -Zac

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Saturday, 7 March 2009 04:50 (nine years ago) Permalink

i seriously can't get over "15 degrees"

been HOOS, where yyyou steene!? (BIG HOOS aka the steendriver), Saturday, 7 March 2009 05:02 (nine years ago) Permalink

I know, I love it.

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Saturday, 7 March 2009 05:03 (nine years ago) Permalink

I showed Beeps a full page face ad of Gisele Bündchen in the lastest issure of Glamour and asked 'who is that?' She replied 'Mama!' Damn straight.

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 8 March 2009 03:30 (nine years ago) Permalink

keep that one around!

yur twit (tehresa), Sunday, 8 March 2009 03:35 (nine years ago) Permalink

hopefully her eyesight will never improve

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 8 March 2009 03:37 (nine years ago) Permalink

Howie does that when we read the book 'Terrible Trolls' -- points at them and says "Mummy! Daddy!"

I will have to send him round to Beeps for some training.

Meg (Meg Busset), Sunday, 8 March 2009 13:02 (nine years ago) Permalink

I showed Beeps a full page face ad of Gisele Bündchen in the lastest issure of Glamour and asked 'who is that?' She replied 'Mama!' Damn straight.

A keeper! :-)

the tip of the tongue taking a trip tralalala (stevienixed), Monday, 9 March 2009 14:19 (nine years ago) Permalink

z (4-yr-old) industriously constructing puzzle on the floor, while rex (11 mos.) repeatedly crawls through it, picks up pieces, sticks them in his mouth, etc. z fairly patiently nudges rex away two or three times, says "no, rex," but on about the 4th time, in exasperation, he yelps, "DAMMIT REX!"

paper plans (tipsy mothra), Monday, 16 March 2009 23:50 (nine years ago) Permalink

kids swearing: classic. One of my kids didn't really understand what the word dammit was, so he'd say, "debit", as in "debit card", which got us off the hook with my mother-in-law.

Euler, Tuesday, 17 March 2009 00:27 (nine years ago) Permalink

z (4-yr-old) industriously constructing puzzle on the floor, while rex (11 mos.) repeatedly crawls through it, picks up pieces, sticks them in his mouth, etc. z fairly patiently nudges rex away two or three times, says "no, rex," but on about the 4th time, in exasperation, he yelps, "DAMMIT REX!"

― paper plans (tipsy mothra), Monday, March 16, 2009 6:50 PM (2 hours ago) Bookmark

ok so this is the funniest/cuetest thing i have read in a while

i like to fart and i am crazy (gbx), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 02:01 (nine years ago) Permalink

Agreed. That's so cute.

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 12:37 (nine years ago) Permalink

it cracked us up. but i guess we need to do some policing of it before he gets to kindergarten.

paper plans (tipsy mothra), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 17:08 (nine years ago) Permalink

Apparently in kindergarten I referred to a toy car as "that goddamn son of a bitch". Wasn't mad, that's just what I called it.

WmC, Tuesday, 17 March 2009 17:14 (nine years ago) Permalink

i once very cheerfully yelled to my pal "see you later, asshole!" as our parents were taking us home from preschool. my mom was not, uh, thrilled

i like to fart and i am crazy (gbx), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 21:54 (nine years ago) Permalink

^ That is awesome.

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 22:51 (nine years ago) Permalink

ha i once came home from school in 1st or 2nd grade and told my parents "the bus driver is an asshole" not really knowing what that meant :-/

HHooHHHooHH-oob (harbl), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 22:53 (nine years ago) Permalink

Alice has been known to bang her fist on the table and yell 'dammit!' but I strongly suspect her dad has been coaching her for his own amusement. Though come to think of it she's also started a thing of regularly shouting 'it's a deal!' and shaking hands with us. Clearly a future CEO :(

Archel, Thursday, 19 March 2009 09:36 (nine years ago) Permalink

OK, heree goez:

In Venice, back at the flat, playing whist:

Mum: "Hearts!"
Alice: (Oh, fuMMMFTH)

The sound of Alice slapping her hand over her mouth, too late.
She got embarrassed, we just laffed. (She was 8)

Mark G, Monday, 23 March 2009 14:02 (nine years ago) Permalink

daughter otm ;_;

lbi's life of limitless european glamour (Le Bateau Ivre), Tuesday, 25 September 2018 23:08 (two months ago) Permalink

My daughter's rules for her room at age 6 or so were

1. No cofee
2. Be Nice
3. Sam (her brother) is oh cay

~ cows come home (Ye Mad Puffin), Tuesday, 25 September 2018 23:13 (two months ago) Permalink

jrul = draw or drool?

do not sob in the corner ;_;

kinder, Wednesday, 26 September 2018 12:10 (two months ago) Permalink

drool.

Also, she does not sob in the corner. Nor does anyone else in our house. And no one drools on her toys. We're all pretty happy and well-adjusted!

And ymp, I think that No cofee is a great rule for a 6 year old.

how's life, Wednesday, 26 September 2018 12:27 (two months ago) Permalink

my good friend's 3-year old was sitting with us and the Browns-Raiders game was on.

and he wrinkled his little nose and yelled "I WANNA WATCH...NOT THIS!!!"

fuck the NRA (Neanderthal), Tuesday, 2 October 2018 02:32 (two months ago) Permalink

Normally I’d agree. Turned out to be a good game tho.

DJI, Tuesday, 2 October 2018 06:36 (two months ago) Permalink

In my son's preschool class they show the kids a picture, ask them to tell a story and write down what the kid says. This is the paper we got today: "The Witch flew into the night. A giant came and tied up the witch. The giant got sick and had to go to the giant doctor. Donald Trump ate the giant."

President Keyes, Friday, 12 October 2018 20:23 (one month ago) Permalink

had this fun conversation with my almost 3 year old daughter:

D: I want us to buy a green car without a roof
me: A green car without a roof? what will we do if it rains?
D: paint it another colour

silverfish, Saturday, 13 October 2018 16:31 (one month ago) Permalink

“The Sandman came in my eyes last night”

brush ’em like crazy (morrisp), Saturday, 13 October 2018 16:32 (one month ago) Permalink

o_O

Squeaky Fromage (VegemiteGrrl), Saturday, 13 October 2018 20:59 (one month ago) Permalink

lol

circa1916, Saturday, 13 October 2018 22:15 (one month ago) Permalink

"who's the crustiest person in the entire universe"

who

"crustiano ronaldo"

illegal economic migration (Tracer Hand), Monday, 15 October 2018 00:38 (one month ago) Permalink

My almost four year old just started talking about dreaming last month - "did you know sometimes there are videos behind your eyes when you sleep? and you can jump right in!".

He also encountered a DVD for the first time, as he had only known about streaming video and the only physical media he's ever encountered are vinyl albums. So he calls DVDs "record movies".

There's also been a lot of Peppa Pig lately, and at times he's started speaking in a british accent and calling my wife "mummy". Note: we are not british.

joygoat, Monday, 15 October 2018 18:18 (one month ago) Permalink

oh wow, those are all so great.

how's life, Monday, 15 October 2018 18:19 (one month ago) Permalink

my four year old K got interested in great british bakeoff when it started autoplaying an ad on netflix. she insists on watching it every once in a while but is only interested if they're baking cakes. she heard mary berry pronounce something to be "scrummy." until the end of the show K kept pointing at cakes and saying "CUMMY!" much to my relief it did not carry on after the show ended.

wmlynch, Monday, 15 October 2018 18:21 (one month ago) Permalink

Wow, that dream quote is brilliant.

ArchCarrier, Monday, 15 October 2018 18:26 (one month ago) Permalink

Just found a picture of Joygoat's kid getting ready for bed.

https://i.imgur.com/t1BtGIT.gif

pplains, Monday, 15 October 2018 21:09 (one month ago) Permalink

<3

Squeaky Fromage (VegemiteGrrl), Monday, 15 October 2018 22:01 (one month ago) Permalink

(Reading slowly:) “Man... Can... Van...”

Me: Do you know what a van is?

“Yeah — it’s one of those little cars you can live in! When I grow up, I’m gonna buy a van, so I can live in it, and drive it to the store to buy groceries.”

a neon light ablaze in this green smoky haze (morrisp), Wednesday, 17 October 2018 02:03 (one month ago) Permalink

I asked my friend's 3 year old what he was doing, he says

"Trying to hold the poopoos back"

fuck the NRA (Neanderthal), Wednesday, 17 October 2018 14:28 (one month ago) Permalink

Tonight I was asked why they didn’t change the logo when they made the “lady Ghostbusters” movie, so that the ghost in the logo “has boobs.” SMDH

a neon light ablaze in this green smoky haze (morrisp), Saturday, 20 October 2018 03:48 (one month ago) Permalink

Me, to 5yo daughter: You're so cute!
Her: That's a common opinion.

Mince Pramthwart (James Morrison), Saturday, 20 October 2018 07:18 (one month ago) Permalink

3 year old: '[baby brother] snatched my toy ON PURPOSE. He needs to go to prison!'

me: 'we don't put babies in prison.'

3yo: 'they do in AMERICA'


(me in very Alan Partridge voice: 'er, I was probably making a point about something else there')

kinder, Saturday, 20 October 2018 14:31 (one month ago) Permalink

lol

Squeaky Fromage (VegemiteGrrl), Saturday, 20 October 2018 17:30 (one month ago) Permalink

whoa!

obliquity of the ecliptic (rrrobyn), Wednesday, 24 October 2018 21:05 (one month ago) Permalink

My 4 year old is fast becoming an expert with the ol’ f-bomb (obv because he’s learning from the experts). Leaving a store yesterday evening:
"Fuckin Christ it's a 'lectric door!"

obliquity of the ecliptic (rrrobyn), Wednesday, 24 October 2018 21:07 (one month ago) Permalink

:)

Mince Pramthwart (James Morrison), Wednesday, 24 October 2018 23:55 (one month ago) Permalink

hahaha it would make my day to hear that out at the supermarket

kinder, Thursday, 25 October 2018 08:35 (one month ago) Permalink

HEY WHATS FOR DINNER COW

POO SIR IT IS THE FRENCH WAY

— Kids Write Jokes (@KidsWriteJokes) October 28, 2018

mark s, Tuesday, 30 October 2018 12:25 (one month ago) Permalink

ok thats p great

Squeaky Fromage (VegemiteGrrl), Tuesday, 30 October 2018 23:47 (one month ago) Permalink

Best punchline ever, I will be stealing that

Mince Pramthwart (James Morrison), Wednesday, 31 October 2018 01:35 (one month ago) Permalink

it's like the ending to a Samuel Johnson anecdote

Mince Pramthwart (James Morrison), Wednesday, 31 October 2018 01:36 (one month ago) Permalink

5yo daughter has been treating me with her toy doctor's kit: so far I have been treated for "goose bladder", "savage earlobe" and the dreaded "cushion problem".

Mince Pramthwart (James Morrison), Tuesday, 13 November 2018 09:22 (four weeks ago) Permalink

three great band names right there imo

the Stanley Kubrick of testicular torsion (bizarro gazzara), Tuesday, 13 November 2018 09:35 (four weeks ago) Permalink

just remembered the toast my london-bred niece (11) invented last night -- four of us (her, her parents, me) sitting eating thai and overlooking the hastings sea-front as a police car went back and forth below us

"to the FILTH! we ain't done nuffink"

mark s, Sunday, 18 November 2018 14:37 (three weeks ago) Permalink

yessss t1lst3r :D

illegal economic migration (Tracer Hand), Sunday, 18 November 2018 14:39 (three weeks ago) Permalink

just remembered the toast my london-bred niece (11) invented last night -- four of us (her, her parents, me) sitting eating thai and overlooking the hastings sea-front as a police car went back and forth below us

"to the FILTH! we ain't done nuffink"


love this

gbx, Tuesday, 20 November 2018 00:46 (three weeks ago) Permalink

Magical.

Also, just saw this one:

I told my daughter showing her chewed up food to her brother in public is gross and she goes 'well I'm not here for the people'

— Saladin Ahmed (@saladinahmed) November 19, 2018

Mince Pramthwart (James Morrison), Tuesday, 20 November 2018 06:18 (three weeks ago) Permalink

had a very confusing discussion about smoking and death with the 4-year-old yesterday in which she told me that when you die your body turns hard and then people give your bones to dogs

na (NA), Tuesday, 20 November 2018 15:40 (three weeks ago) Permalink

son's 4th birthday. the day before, he was being a huge brat so we were talking about what happens if birthdays are cancelled: presents go back to the shop, no cake and you stay 3 forever.

him: so... that means I won't ever die.

Somehow he always manages to win the argument!

kinder, Sunday, 2 December 2018 18:53 (one week ago) Permalink

lol that is outstanding

Squeaky Fromage (VegemiteGrrl), Sunday, 2 December 2018 19:16 (one week ago) Permalink

flawless victory

crispy fun in a bun (bizarro gazzara), Sunday, 2 December 2018 20:06 (one week ago) Permalink

overplayed your hand, tbh

A is for (Aimless), Sunday, 2 December 2018 20:26 (one week ago) Permalink

yeah I know!
He's frighteningly good at assimilating new information with stuff he learned ages ago and drawing logical conclusions. Then asking relevant questions.

kinder, Sunday, 2 December 2018 22:29 (one week ago) Permalink

We're reading the Hobbit. We're a bit more than halfway through, at the spiders in Mirkwood.

My 7 year old daughter asks "Why are there no girls in this book?"

fajita seas, Monday, 3 December 2018 01:08 (one week ago) Permalink

damn

also otm

Squeaky Fromage (VegemiteGrrl), Monday, 3 December 2018 05:25 (one week ago) Permalink

he always manages to win the argument!

You could have come back with: "No. Even three-year olds can die!" (accompanied by a meaningful look). To which he might retort, you said "you stay 3 forever. Those who live forever do not die. QED, my dear parent." Your rejoinder: "Those who die do not age, my dear child. Once having attained age three, a dead child cannot be remain two, nor yet become four. Hence they remain three forever. Case closed."

After which your child grows up to be a celebrated lawyer.

A is for (Aimless), Monday, 3 December 2018 05:54 (one week ago) Permalink

frighteningly good at assimilating new information with stuff he learned ages ago and drawing logical conclusions

this is so fun to see, like he's spent time a learning system and now understands it enough to test or exploit it. Last night he was hyper and didn't want to take of his clothes to get his pajamas on; usually we do this by commanding a super hero named 'naked boy' to appear. He wouldn't so I made some dumb joke about transforming into a nakedasaurus and he looked at me deadpan and said "those have been extinct for a really long time".

joygoat, Monday, 3 December 2018 15:17 (one week ago) Permalink

haha.

kinder, Monday, 3 December 2018 21:42 (one week ago) Permalink

"How much is that doggy in the window?
You've got your own sense of right and wrong!"

Mince Pramthwart (James Morrison), Sunday, 9 December 2018 11:31 (two days ago) Permalink


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