Kids say the darndest things

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I had to post this, since I've been cracking up about it since Saturday.

The boys were in the bath, and they started screeching:


My wife: Ben! Use your inside voice.

Ben (quietly): eeeeeEEEEEeeeee.

schwantz, Monday, 2 February 2009 22:58 (eleven years ago) link

I heartily endorse this thread/post.

PappaWheelie V, Monday, 2 February 2009 23:11 (eleven years ago) link

When I told Ophelia told her for the gazillionth time to put her hand in front of her mouth when coughing.

"I don't have any coughs anymore."

Nathalie (stevienixed), Tuesday, 3 February 2009 08:37 (eleven years ago) link

Every male person outside the family is currently known and greeted as 'Funny Man'. Or occasionally 'Mr Tumble' (the latter unfortunately applies to women as well).

Archel, Tuesday, 3 February 2009 11:25 (eleven years ago) link


JAM, DWANGELA, RELLY! (sunny successor), Tuesday, 3 February 2009 14:28 (eleven years ago) link

In the elevator at the gym with my wife, Owen read another woman's thoughts by asking "are you twins?" and then answered himself "yeah."

schwantz, Saturday, 7 February 2009 05:39 (eleven years ago) link


JAM, DWANGELA, RELLY! (sunny successor), Saturday, 7 February 2009 14:40 (eleven years ago) link

Thank you for starting this thread. I love this stuff.

A friend at work has a two year old who has started using "Obama" as a name for pretty much everyone. He asks qustions all the time about Obama too. They're potty training him and so the other night she was asking Henry who poops. He said, "Mama poops and Daddy poops and Henry poops!" She asked who else poops thinking he's say grandma or something and he replied with, "Obama poops!!"

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Saturday, 7 February 2009 15:31 (eleven years ago) link

my 7 year old nephew to his mom:

"I stopped sucking my thumb. When you get older it loses its taste."

sleeve, Tuesday, 10 February 2009 02:17 (eleven years ago) link

That is exactly what I concluded about thumb-sucking (at an embarrassingly older age). Though it took having my arm in a plaster cast for seemingly years (I broke my arm three times in quick succession) to stop me in the end.

Also, Obama totally does poop!

Archel, Tuesday, 10 February 2009 09:35 (eleven years ago) link

Re: Honeymoon - "Did you GO to the moon?"

lemmy tristano (James Redd and the Blecchs), Thursday, 12 February 2009 00:16 (eleven years ago) link

my son when 3ish, upon eating something good: "I can't believe my mouth!" I promise he made this up himself.

Euler, Thursday, 12 February 2009 00:20 (eleven years ago) link


Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Thursday, 12 February 2009 00:23 (eleven years ago) link

My kids are too old for their current sayings to be here...

But, Alice (particularly) would say such WTF things back in the day. Most (or, man) are all over ILE, but here's one of the top ones...

She was about four, I reckon.

I was explaining the whole "eggs in mummy's tummy" business.

Alice: "But how did the eggs get there?"
Me: "They were all there when Mummy was born"
Alice: "hmm. So, that means My egg and Amber's egg are exactly the same age"
Me: ".... yeah!"
Alice: (saying nothing, but now has decided Amber doesn't have 2 years superiority anymore)

Mark G, Friday, 13 February 2009 11:10 (eleven years ago) link

Ophelia told her father: "Wannes is in love with me." I know, not the darndest thing but still made go all AAAAAWWWWWWWWW.

Nathalie (stevienixed), Friday, 13 February 2009 14:13 (eleven years ago) link

my son when 3ish, upon eating something good: "I can't believe my mouth!" I promise he made this up himself.

― Euler, Wednesday, February 11, 2009 7:20 PM (1 week ago) Bookmark

Get that kid a TV commercial.

Bonobos in Paneradise (Hurting 2), Sunday, 22 February 2009 07:21 (eleven years ago) link

haha yeah

i was driving beeps home from daycare last week and had silver jews playing in the car. so black and brown blues comes on and i start singing along at the top of my voice when i look in the rear view mirror and beeps is smacking her knee along with the song with a big smile on her face. she catches me looking at her and says 'you go, mama!'. let it be known i have the worst singing voice ever. kid is good for the ego.

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 22 February 2009 14:57 (eleven years ago) link

I will work on the tv thing!

I love that my kids love my singing. It helps that it's mutual; when they're caterwauling away I tend to complement them (you know, like you do when they bring you their latest painting or sculpture).

My youngest kid, age 2, went canvassing with my wife for the Dems during the campaign last fall. Now she's taken to calling the paper subscription inserts in magazines, "Democrats". I guess it's because they're like the voter info cards that we distributed? But now she is hoarding a big pile of these things and gets angry when you take her Democrats. Silly stuff but I love it.

Euler, Sunday, 22 February 2009 16:21 (eleven years ago) link

I love that all the two year old kids in SF know and mangle the words "Barack Obama."

schwantz, Monday, 23 February 2009 17:25 (eleven years ago) link

nothing like this ever happens to me

鬼の手 (Edward III), Monday, 23 February 2009 17:59 (eleven years ago) link

Howie knows a lot of animal names but always calls a cat "Miaow", even though he can spell the word. Hence the following conversation:

Us: "Howie, what's the first letter of cat?"
Howie: "C!"
"And what's the second letter of cat?"
"And what's the last letter of cat?"
"[Pointing to letters in book] So, what does 'C-A-T' spell, Howie?"
"[Thinks for a moment...} Miaow!"

Meg (Meg Busset), Monday, 23 February 2009 23:28 (eleven years ago) link

my nearly 12-week-old has been babbling non-stop. it's such a nice change from shrieking.

Oh Why, Sports Coat? (Dr. Superman), Thursday, 26 February 2009 19:17 (eleven years ago) link

(Apologies if I've already told this story on ILX, can't remember)

A few weeks ago, Ava was being extremely naughty, pushing Pam away, shouting "Don't talk to me! Don't look at me!", etc. Pam wrote down "Naughty girls don't get visits from their friends or treats or get to go to the park" on a slip of paper and handed it to the noncommunicative hell-child.

Ava read it out loud, looked at the paper for a few seconds and then announced, "I'm going to tear this into tiny pieces." It was all Pam could do not to burst out laughing right there...

Michael Jones, Saturday, 28 February 2009 21:25 (eleven years ago) link

haa :)

ice cr?m, Sunday, 1 March 2009 00:26 (eleven years ago) link

this morning: "there are so many things in this room, it's like an optical course"

鬼の手 (Edward III), Sunday, 1 March 2009 00:46 (eleven years ago) link

SS, that's the cutest thing ever! Ophelia requests all my music to stop playing so she can listen to her music. Grrr. Elisabeth loves most music we play. This morning she immediately started waving her hand when Marvin Gaye started singing. She also looooves Pulsinger.

Nathalie (stevienixed), Sunday, 1 March 2009 13:30 (eleven years ago) link

its still so weird to me these little creatures have already developed their own tastes. that silver jews moment was a rare one. usually she'll sit there going 'wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? brobie? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? " etc until we put it on.

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 1 March 2009 14:04 (eleven years ago) link

nickelodeon brainwash

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 1 March 2009 14:04 (eleven years ago) link

she found a tampon and asked what it was. i mumbled her mommy bleeds every month and that it stops the bleeding.

"so mommy leaks."

uh yeah, i guess....

the tip of the tongue taking a trip tralalala (stevienixed), Friday, 6 March 2009 22:33 (eleven years ago) link

Edward, I'm amazed. That's amazing.

How can there be male ladybugs? (Laurel), Friday, 6 March 2009 22:41 (eleven years ago) link

We remembered another one from our son a few years back, when he was 2-ish: out of the blue one day, he asked "why we is not ducks?". I didn't know what to say. Really, why? The mind boggles.

Euler, Saturday, 7 March 2009 01:56 (eleven years ago) link

My friend did this facebook thing earlier where she had to ask her kids a series of questions about herself and write in their answers. Her sons are around 6 and 4, I think.

Q: How tall is your Mom?

A: "15 degrees" -Ben "Probably 10 inches high" -Zac

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Saturday, 7 March 2009 04:50 (eleven years ago) link

i seriously can't get over "15 degrees"

been HOOS, where yyyou steene!? (BIG HOOS aka the steendriver), Saturday, 7 March 2009 05:02 (eleven years ago) link

I know, I love it.

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Saturday, 7 March 2009 05:03 (eleven years ago) link

I showed Beeps a full page face ad of Gisele Bündchen in the lastest issure of Glamour and asked 'who is that?' She replied 'Mama!' Damn straight.

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 8 March 2009 03:30 (eleven years ago) link

keep that one around!

yur twit (tehresa), Sunday, 8 March 2009 03:35 (eleven years ago) link

hopefully her eyesight will never improve

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 8 March 2009 03:37 (eleven years ago) link

Howie does that when we read the book 'Terrible Trolls' -- points at them and says "Mummy! Daddy!"

I will have to send him round to Beeps for some training.

Meg (Meg Busset), Sunday, 8 March 2009 13:02 (eleven years ago) link

I showed Beeps a full page face ad of Gisele Bündchen in the lastest issure of Glamour and asked 'who is that?' She replied 'Mama!' Damn straight.

A keeper! :-)

the tip of the tongue taking a trip tralalala (stevienixed), Monday, 9 March 2009 14:19 (eleven years ago) link

z (4-yr-old) industriously constructing puzzle on the floor, while rex (11 mos.) repeatedly crawls through it, picks up pieces, sticks them in his mouth, etc. z fairly patiently nudges rex away two or three times, says "no, rex," but on about the 4th time, in exasperation, he yelps, "DAMMIT REX!"

paper plans (tipsy mothra), Monday, 16 March 2009 23:50 (eleven years ago) link

kids swearing: classic. One of my kids didn't really understand what the word dammit was, so he'd say, "debit", as in "debit card", which got us off the hook with my mother-in-law.

Euler, Tuesday, 17 March 2009 00:27 (eleven years ago) link

z (4-yr-old) industriously constructing puzzle on the floor, while rex (11 mos.) repeatedly crawls through it, picks up pieces, sticks them in his mouth, etc. z fairly patiently nudges rex away two or three times, says "no, rex," but on about the 4th time, in exasperation, he yelps, "DAMMIT REX!"

― paper plans (tipsy mothra), Monday, March 16, 2009 6:50 PM (2 hours ago) Bookmark

ok so this is the funniest/cuetest thing i have read in a while

i like to fart and i am crazy (gbx), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 02:01 (eleven years ago) link

Agreed. That's so cute.

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 12:37 (eleven years ago) link

it cracked us up. but i guess we need to do some policing of it before he gets to kindergarten.

paper plans (tipsy mothra), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 17:08 (eleven years ago) link

Apparently in kindergarten I referred to a toy car as "that goddamn son of a bitch". Wasn't mad, that's just what I called it.

WmC, Tuesday, 17 March 2009 17:14 (eleven years ago) link

i once very cheerfully yelled to my pal "see you later, asshole!" as our parents were taking us home from preschool. my mom was not, uh, thrilled

i like to fart and i am crazy (gbx), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 21:54 (eleven years ago) link

^ That is awesome.

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 22:51 (eleven years ago) link

ha i once came home from school in 1st or 2nd grade and told my parents "the bus driver is an asshole" not really knowing what that meant :-/

HHooHHHooHH-oob (harbl), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 22:53 (eleven years ago) link

Alice has been known to bang her fist on the table and yell 'dammit!' but I strongly suspect her dad has been coaching her for his own amusement. Though come to think of it she's also started a thing of regularly shouting 'it's a deal!' and shaking hands with us. Clearly a future CEO :(

Archel, Thursday, 19 March 2009 09:36 (eleven years ago) link

OK, heree goez:

In Venice, back at the flat, playing whist:

Mum: "Hearts!"
Alice: (Oh, fuMMMFTH)

The sound of Alice slapping her hand over her mouth, too late.
She got embarrassed, we just laffed. (She was 8)

Mark G, Monday, 23 March 2009 14:02 (eleven years ago) link

song (by ivy) : row row row your boat merrily down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily like a spider dream

doo rag, Monday, 17 February 2020 21:13 (four months ago) link

doo rag!!

mark s, Monday, 17 February 2020 21:15 (four months ago) link

!!!! :D

kinder, Monday, 17 February 2020 21:27 (four months ago) link


terminators of endearment (VegemiteGrrl), Monday, 17 February 2020 23:50 (four months ago) link

my daughter (9) is really into Clone Wars on Disney+, I was making dinner and she ran in, saying "daddy, there's a senator who looks like he's wearing a MERINO wool sweater"

Blues Guitar Solo Heatmap (Free Download) (upper mississippi sh@kedown), Tuesday, 18 February 2020 03:13 (four months ago) link

Driving through cemetery, my five year old wanted to know the dates on the gravestones. A lot were from the 1800s.

kid: They just keep these dead people buried in here forever?

me: I guess so. What else are they going to do with them?

kid: I don't know. They could dig them up and cut the bodies into pieces and feed them to dogs.

Muswell Hillbilly Elegy (President Keyes), Tuesday, 18 February 2020 15:51 (four months ago) link

I like the way he thinks :)

Le Bateau Ivre, Tuesday, 18 February 2020 15:52 (four months ago) link


Generous Grant for Stepladder Creamery (bizarro gazzara), Tuesday, 18 February 2020 15:53 (four months ago) link

coincidently(?) just posted to a politics thread:

dan selzer, Tuesday, 18 February 2020 15:56 (four months ago) link

Pedigree Chum is made of people!

koogs, Tuesday, 18 February 2020 17:59 (four months ago) link


Didn't immediately see the song parody in this and instead read it in Tim Robinson's voice, which works just as well

Lavator Shemmelpennick, Saturday, 22 February 2020 13:59 (four months ago) link

A few weeks ago Casper (2) went through a phase, during nappy changes, of slapping his genitals and yelling “touch it!”. This has now ended, thankfully.

Hey Bob (Scik Mouthy), Saturday, 29 February 2020 05:33 (four months ago) link

I used to lift my shirt and say “belly” because I wanted my belly rubbed so my parents taught me I could rub my own belly so by analogy uh

Swilling Ambergris, Esq. (silby), Saturday, 29 February 2020 05:45 (four months ago) link

Casper’s Prince phase

terminators of endearment (VegemiteGrrl), Saturday, 29 February 2020 07:57 (four months ago) link

Do you want to hear my new song? It starts out peaceful but it ends violent.

Muswell Hillbilly Elegy (President Keyes), Saturday, 29 February 2020 17:30 (four months ago) link

“We’re playing office fight”

Οὖτις, Sunday, 1 March 2020 02:05 (four months ago) link

"What do you mean, 'ow'?"

Οὖτις, Monday, 9 March 2020 21:08 (four months ago) link

two weeks pass...

After I explained that Shakespeare’s plays use fancy language and old-fashioned words that people don’t use anymore:

“You mean they call girls, ‘Doll’?”

morrisp, Tuesday, 24 March 2020 01:49 (three months ago) link


estela, Tuesday, 24 March 2020 02:18 (three months ago) link

good one

na (NA), Tuesday, 24 March 2020 14:21 (three months ago) link


☮️ (peace, man), Tuesday, 24 March 2020 14:30 (three months ago) link

"This is one of the many books I'm gonna fill up with my ideas."

One of the many, huh?

"Yes. How do you spell 'idea'?"

morrisp, Sunday, 29 March 2020 19:06 (three months ago) link


Yanni Xenakis (Hadrian VIII), Sunday, 29 March 2020 19:49 (three months ago) link

one month passes...

A, 4, about her nearly one year old sister: "Can we die her? Come on do it now! She's a bad baby."

This was largely in jest. Couldn't decide whether or not to tell her "it's 'kill', not 'die'".

a slice of greater pastry (ledge), Wednesday, 29 April 2020 18:29 (two months ago) link

is she a bad baby

silby, Wednesday, 29 April 2020 18:36 (two months ago) link


silby, Wednesday, 29 April 2020 18:36 (two months ago) link

This was entirely a case of projection.

a slice of greater pastry (ledge), Wednesday, 29 April 2020 19:04 (two months ago) link

I had a “fake-out” one of these last night... after I scooped myself a bowl of ice cream in his presence (maybe a jerk move), and told him, No, you already had a donut today, and also your after-dinner snack, he said:

“Hmm. I can’t really argue with that, but I feel like I should.”

I laughed out loud; then he revealed it’s a line from Bone (a graphic novel he’s read four times). Guess if the kid’s old enough to be quoting things, he’s getting too old to fall into the “darndest things” category.

I eat fast foods (morrisp), Monday, 4 May 2020 18:13 (two months ago) link

...and yet:

“AAA Insurance? Is that some kind of battery insurance?”

I eat fast foods (morrisp), Monday, 11 May 2020 00:48 (two months ago) link

K (8) has been reading and talking about historical figures a lot, and as a result E (4) now regularly refers to "Susan Big Anthony"

longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Thursday, 14 May 2020 20:23 (two months ago) link


Tsar Bombadil (James Morrison), Thursday, 14 May 2020 22:21 (two months ago) link

At dinner 3yr 2 mo old Opal said she had a “creepy dream where a white flower with a white jacket walked up to her and pulled stinky cheese out of its pocket and threw it at her”. She reiterated that it was not a nightmare but it was creepy. I’ve never heard her say creepy before. I also don’t totally believe her because we were just talking about stinky cheese so I think she either made up the whole thing or just embellished her dream.

She’s been seriously stalling bedtime for a few months now, either screaming fuss fights or occasionally just silly chatter and questions. Tonight she called me back into her room and said “krystoff (frozen), I have a question. Where do baby bees come from?” I said they come from their mommies and daddies. She said “but where do they come out of?” I said I think bees have eggs. She said “oh. I didn’t know that. Like there are dinosaur eggs and bird eggs and bee eggs. I didn’t know about that.” I said I think so, now get some rest so you’ll be ready for the coronation (frozen again) and she said “Maybe in the morning we can look it up.” I said yes now get some sleep Anna (guess).

dan selzer, Wednesday, 20 May 2020 01:43 (one month ago) link

My 3yr 2mo old is currently calling avocado “water-cado,” because it’s “aguacate” in Spanish (which her g’ma speaks around the house).

Inadequate grass (morrisp), Wednesday, 20 May 2020 06:41 (one month ago) link

I miss when our daughter loved all things Frozen.

El Tomboto, Wednesday, 20 May 2020 06:45 (one month ago) link

luv it!

Inadequate grass (morrisp), Saturday, 23 May 2020 18:34 (one month ago) link

that is A++++

terminators of endearment (VegemiteGrrl), Saturday, 23 May 2020 18:58 (one month ago) link


Chuck_Tatum, Saturday, 23 May 2020 19:10 (one month ago) link


Yanni Xenakis (Hadrian VIII), Saturday, 23 May 2020 19:35 (one month ago) link


DJI, Saturday, 23 May 2020 20:09 (one month ago) link

When is Father's Day?

pplains, Saturday, 23 May 2020 20:35 (one month ago) link

You have a karate class tomorrow —

“No no no no no, conversation done. End chat, BEEP!”

Charging for Brewskis™ (morrisp), Wednesday, 27 May 2020 03:51 (one month ago) link

These Gen Alphas, I swear.

Charging for Brewskis™ (morrisp), Wednesday, 27 May 2020 03:52 (one month ago) link

"How big were the first computers? Were they so big that you had to, like, JUMP on the keys to type?"

(I thought this was cute)

Charging for Brewskis™ (morrisp), Wednesday, 27 May 2020 22:32 (one month ago) link

three weeks pass...

at bedtime, the five-year-old was basically like yelling POOP! POOP! so i said, why do you like saying poop so much.
she said, it's a funny word. you know, like six is a funny word.
i said, six is a funny word?
she said, yeah, like that book that [older sibling] has
reader, this is the book she is talking about:

na (NA), Tuesday, 23 June 2020 16:00 (three weeks ago) link

H: If that guy really does dig a big trench for the cable, I'm going to go out there to watch him...

ME: Yeah, I guess that could be interesting?

H: ...since I've got nothing else to watch since we've got no cable right now.

pplains, Tuesday, 23 June 2020 16:29 (three weeks ago) link

Also I got pwned by the 13-year-old pretty good, so bad that I tweeted it.

She's been on a Star Wars kick, so of course I've been all "Back in my day, there was a wolfman who frequented the cantina! No CGI like in those 2000s movies!"

She got a collectors magazine in the mail the other day.

BEEPS: They even have pictures of toys you told me about from the... 1900s?
ME: The 1970s.
BEEPS: Yeah, that's what I meant.

pplains, Tuesday, 23 June 2020 16:46 (three weeks ago) link

yesterday my 12 year old son totally seriously mentioned that he saw something old that "probably dates back to the 20th century"

silverfish, Tuesday, 23 June 2020 17:24 (three weeks ago) link

"Daddy, does existence have a meaning?"

ME: You're asking me this at dinnertime on a Wednesday evening?

"Well, I saw it on a TV show..."

OG Honeymoon Ave (morrisp), Thursday, 25 June 2020 01:13 (two weeks ago) link

My 5yo made his first comic nerd pun/joke:

Him: What does that say on the wall?

Me: "Yankee go home." It means they want the Americans to leave.

Him: If the Thing from the Fantastic Four wrote it, it would say, "Yancey Go Home."

Muswell Hillbilly Elegy (President Keyes), Wednesday, 1 July 2020 18:19 (one week ago) link

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