Kids say the darndest things

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I had to post this, since I've been cracking up about it since Saturday.

The boys were in the bath, and they started screeching:


My wife: Ben! Use your inside voice.

Ben (quietly): eeeeeEEEEEeeeee.

schwantz, Monday, 2 February 2009 22:58 (fourteen years ago) link

I heartily endorse this thread/post.

PappaWheelie V, Monday, 2 February 2009 23:11 (fourteen years ago) link

When I told Ophelia told her for the gazillionth time to put her hand in front of her mouth when coughing.

"I don't have any coughs anymore."

Nathalie (stevienixed), Tuesday, 3 February 2009 08:37 (fourteen years ago) link

Every male person outside the family is currently known and greeted as 'Funny Man'. Or occasionally 'Mr Tumble' (the latter unfortunately applies to women as well).

Archel, Tuesday, 3 February 2009 11:25 (fourteen years ago) link


JAM, DWANGELA, RELLY! (sunny successor), Tuesday, 3 February 2009 14:28 (fourteen years ago) link

In the elevator at the gym with my wife, Owen read another woman's thoughts by asking "are you twins?" and then answered himself "yeah."

schwantz, Saturday, 7 February 2009 05:39 (fourteen years ago) link


JAM, DWANGELA, RELLY! (sunny successor), Saturday, 7 February 2009 14:40 (fourteen years ago) link

Thank you for starting this thread. I love this stuff.

A friend at work has a two year old who has started using "Obama" as a name for pretty much everyone. He asks qustions all the time about Obama too. They're potty training him and so the other night she was asking Henry who poops. He said, "Mama poops and Daddy poops and Henry poops!" She asked who else poops thinking he's say grandma or something and he replied with, "Obama poops!!"

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Saturday, 7 February 2009 15:31 (fourteen years ago) link

my 7 year old nephew to his mom:

"I stopped sucking my thumb. When you get older it loses its taste."

sleeve, Tuesday, 10 February 2009 02:17 (fourteen years ago) link

That is exactly what I concluded about thumb-sucking (at an embarrassingly older age). Though it took having my arm in a plaster cast for seemingly years (I broke my arm three times in quick succession) to stop me in the end.

Also, Obama totally does poop!

Archel, Tuesday, 10 February 2009 09:35 (fourteen years ago) link

Re: Honeymoon - "Did you GO to the moon?"

lemmy tristano (James Redd and the Blecchs), Thursday, 12 February 2009 00:16 (fourteen years ago) link

my son when 3ish, upon eating something good: "I can't believe my mouth!" I promise he made this up himself.

Euler, Thursday, 12 February 2009 00:20 (fourteen years ago) link


Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Thursday, 12 February 2009 00:23 (fourteen years ago) link

My kids are too old for their current sayings to be here...

But, Alice (particularly) would say such WTF things back in the day. Most (or, man) are all over ILE, but here's one of the top ones...

She was about four, I reckon.

I was explaining the whole "eggs in mummy's tummy" business.

Alice: "But how did the eggs get there?"
Me: "They were all there when Mummy was born"
Alice: "hmm. So, that means My egg and Amber's egg are exactly the same age"
Me: ".... yeah!"
Alice: (saying nothing, but now has decided Amber doesn't have 2 years superiority anymore)

Mark G, Friday, 13 February 2009 11:10 (fourteen years ago) link

Ophelia told her father: "Wannes is in love with me." I know, not the darndest thing but still made go all AAAAAWWWWWWWWW.

Nathalie (stevienixed), Friday, 13 February 2009 14:13 (fourteen years ago) link

my son when 3ish, upon eating something good: "I can't believe my mouth!" I promise he made this up himself.

― Euler, Wednesday, February 11, 2009 7:20 PM (1 week ago) Bookmark

Get that kid a TV commercial.

Bonobos in Paneradise (Hurting 2), Sunday, 22 February 2009 07:21 (fourteen years ago) link

haha yeah

i was driving beeps home from daycare last week and had silver jews playing in the car. so black and brown blues comes on and i start singing along at the top of my voice when i look in the rear view mirror and beeps is smacking her knee along with the song with a big smile on her face. she catches me looking at her and says 'you go, mama!'. let it be known i have the worst singing voice ever. kid is good for the ego.

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 22 February 2009 14:57 (fourteen years ago) link

I will work on the tv thing!

I love that my kids love my singing. It helps that it's mutual; when they're caterwauling away I tend to complement them (you know, like you do when they bring you their latest painting or sculpture).

My youngest kid, age 2, went canvassing with my wife for the Dems during the campaign last fall. Now she's taken to calling the paper subscription inserts in magazines, "Democrats". I guess it's because they're like the voter info cards that we distributed? But now she is hoarding a big pile of these things and gets angry when you take her Democrats. Silly stuff but I love it.

Euler, Sunday, 22 February 2009 16:21 (fourteen years ago) link

I love that all the two year old kids in SF know and mangle the words "Barack Obama."

schwantz, Monday, 23 February 2009 17:25 (fourteen years ago) link

nothing like this ever happens to me

鬼の手 (Edward III), Monday, 23 February 2009 17:59 (fourteen years ago) link

Howie knows a lot of animal names but always calls a cat "Miaow", even though he can spell the word. Hence the following conversation:

Us: "Howie, what's the first letter of cat?"
Howie: "C!"
"And what's the second letter of cat?"
"And what's the last letter of cat?"
"[Pointing to letters in book] So, what does 'C-A-T' spell, Howie?"
"[Thinks for a moment...} Miaow!"

Meg (Meg Busset), Monday, 23 February 2009 23:28 (fourteen years ago) link

my nearly 12-week-old has been babbling non-stop. it's such a nice change from shrieking.

Oh Why, Sports Coat? (Dr. Superman), Thursday, 26 February 2009 19:17 (fourteen years ago) link

(Apologies if I've already told this story on ILX, can't remember)

A few weeks ago, Ava was being extremely naughty, pushing Pam away, shouting "Don't talk to me! Don't look at me!", etc. Pam wrote down "Naughty girls don't get visits from their friends or treats or get to go to the park" on a slip of paper and handed it to the noncommunicative hell-child.

Ava read it out loud, looked at the paper for a few seconds and then announced, "I'm going to tear this into tiny pieces." It was all Pam could do not to burst out laughing right there...

Michael Jones, Saturday, 28 February 2009 21:25 (fourteen years ago) link

haa :)

ice cr?m, Sunday, 1 March 2009 00:26 (fourteen years ago) link

this morning: "there are so many things in this room, it's like an optical course"

鬼の手 (Edward III), Sunday, 1 March 2009 00:46 (fourteen years ago) link

SS, that's the cutest thing ever! Ophelia requests all my music to stop playing so she can listen to her music. Grrr. Elisabeth loves most music we play. This morning she immediately started waving her hand when Marvin Gaye started singing. She also looooves Pulsinger.

Nathalie (stevienixed), Sunday, 1 March 2009 13:30 (fourteen years ago) link

its still so weird to me these little creatures have already developed their own tastes. that silver jews moment was a rare one. usually she'll sit there going 'wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? brobie? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? " etc until we put it on.

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 1 March 2009 14:04 (fourteen years ago) link

nickelodeon brainwash

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 1 March 2009 14:04 (fourteen years ago) link

she found a tampon and asked what it was. i mumbled her mommy bleeds every month and that it stops the bleeding.

"so mommy leaks."

uh yeah, i guess....

the tip of the tongue taking a trip tralalala (stevienixed), Friday, 6 March 2009 22:33 (fourteen years ago) link

Edward, I'm amazed. That's amazing.

How can there be male ladybugs? (Laurel), Friday, 6 March 2009 22:41 (fourteen years ago) link

We remembered another one from our son a few years back, when he was 2-ish: out of the blue one day, he asked "why we is not ducks?". I didn't know what to say. Really, why? The mind boggles.

Euler, Saturday, 7 March 2009 01:56 (fourteen years ago) link

My friend did this facebook thing earlier where she had to ask her kids a series of questions about herself and write in their answers. Her sons are around 6 and 4, I think.

Q: How tall is your Mom?

A: "15 degrees" -Ben "Probably 10 inches high" -Zac

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Saturday, 7 March 2009 04:50 (fourteen years ago) link

i seriously can't get over "15 degrees"

been HOOS, where yyyou steene!? (BIG HOOS aka the steendriver), Saturday, 7 March 2009 05:02 (fourteen years ago) link

I know, I love it.

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Saturday, 7 March 2009 05:03 (fourteen years ago) link

I showed Beeps a full page face ad of Gisele Bündchen in the lastest issure of Glamour and asked 'who is that?' She replied 'Mama!' Damn straight.

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 8 March 2009 03:30 (fourteen years ago) link

keep that one around!

yur twit (tehresa), Sunday, 8 March 2009 03:35 (fourteen years ago) link

hopefully her eyesight will never improve

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 8 March 2009 03:37 (fourteen years ago) link

Howie does that when we read the book 'Terrible Trolls' -- points at them and says "Mummy! Daddy!"

I will have to send him round to Beeps for some training.

Meg (Meg Busset), Sunday, 8 March 2009 13:02 (fourteen years ago) link

I showed Beeps a full page face ad of Gisele Bündchen in the lastest issure of Glamour and asked 'who is that?' She replied 'Mama!' Damn straight.

A keeper! :-)

the tip of the tongue taking a trip tralalala (stevienixed), Monday, 9 March 2009 14:19 (fourteen years ago) link

z (4-yr-old) industriously constructing puzzle on the floor, while rex (11 mos.) repeatedly crawls through it, picks up pieces, sticks them in his mouth, etc. z fairly patiently nudges rex away two or three times, says "no, rex," but on about the 4th time, in exasperation, he yelps, "DAMMIT REX!"

paper plans (tipsy mothra), Monday, 16 March 2009 23:50 (fourteen years ago) link

kids swearing: classic. One of my kids didn't really understand what the word dammit was, so he'd say, "debit", as in "debit card", which got us off the hook with my mother-in-law.

Euler, Tuesday, 17 March 2009 00:27 (fourteen years ago) link

z (4-yr-old) industriously constructing puzzle on the floor, while rex (11 mos.) repeatedly crawls through it, picks up pieces, sticks them in his mouth, etc. z fairly patiently nudges rex away two or three times, says "no, rex," but on about the 4th time, in exasperation, he yelps, "DAMMIT REX!"

― paper plans (tipsy mothra), Monday, March 16, 2009 6:50 PM (2 hours ago) Bookmark

ok so this is the funniest/cuetest thing i have read in a while

i like to fart and i am crazy (gbx), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 02:01 (fourteen years ago) link

Agreed. That's so cute.

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 12:37 (fourteen years ago) link

it cracked us up. but i guess we need to do some policing of it before he gets to kindergarten.

paper plans (tipsy mothra), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 17:08 (fourteen years ago) link

Apparently in kindergarten I referred to a toy car as "that goddamn son of a bitch". Wasn't mad, that's just what I called it.

WmC, Tuesday, 17 March 2009 17:14 (fourteen years ago) link

i once very cheerfully yelled to my pal "see you later, asshole!" as our parents were taking us home from preschool. my mom was not, uh, thrilled

i like to fart and i am crazy (gbx), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 21:54 (fourteen years ago) link

^ That is awesome.

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 22:51 (fourteen years ago) link

ha i once came home from school in 1st or 2nd grade and told my parents "the bus driver is an asshole" not really knowing what that meant :-/

HHooHHHooHH-oob (harbl), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 22:53 (fourteen years ago) link

Alice has been known to bang her fist on the table and yell 'dammit!' but I strongly suspect her dad has been coaching her for his own amusement. Though come to think of it she's also started a thing of regularly shouting 'it's a deal!' and shaking hands with us. Clearly a future CEO :(

Archel, Thursday, 19 March 2009 09:36 (fourteen years ago) link

OK, heree goez:

In Venice, back at the flat, playing whist:

Mum: "Hearts!"
Alice: (Oh, fuMMMFTH)

The sound of Alice slapping her hand over her mouth, too late.
She got embarrassed, we just laffed. (She was 8)

Mark G, Monday, 23 March 2009 14:02 (fourteen years ago) link

I mean, Anthrax had riffs for days, were righteous, relatable, and wore fun shorts. Not to turn this into a debate in the kids' section, but if I were to swap out a big four member, I'd boot Slayer for Testament.

peace, man, Tuesday, 7 February 2023 16:18 (seven months ago) link

Replace Megadeth with Helmet, Metallica with Primus

INDEPENDENTS DAY BY STEVEN SPILBERG (President Keyes), Tuesday, 7 February 2023 16:19 (seven months ago) link

When mine was really into metal like six months ago, he loved metallica (he said he is going to get a metallica forearm tattoo some day), liked slayer but thought they were maybe too scary / serious, and hated joey belladonna and dave mustaine's vocals.

Now he just wants to listen to people rap about naruto on youtube

joygoat, Tuesday, 7 February 2023 16:58 (seven months ago) link

On reflection, I think NickB's youngest is otm.

Shard-borne Beatles with their drowsy hums (Chinaski), Wednesday, 8 February 2023 19:04 (seven months ago) link

5 yr old holding up a Haribo heart - "Mum, you are.... *shoves heart in my face* -ly"

Me: Ahh thanks!

5yo: Now I'm going to eat your heart and you'll be dead.

kinder, Saturday, 11 February 2023 12:37 (seven months ago) link


But who are we doing it versus? (sunny successor), Saturday, 11 February 2023 13:20 (seven months ago) link

Apparently my daughter asked at bedtime last night - "How old was Abraham Lincoln when he started Kentucky Fried Chicken?"

unknown blues singer (morrisp), Thursday, 16 February 2023 20:24 (seven months ago) link

three weeks pass...

(leaving the house this morning, a small grey plastic bin has deposited itself on the front lawn, presumably blown in from a neighbour’s garden)

ME: oh look, a grey plastic bin

MY FOUR-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER: a grape bastard bin?!?

ME: oh no

rick semper moranis (bizarro gazzara), Sunday, 12 March 2023 11:06 (six months ago) link


peace, man, Sunday, 12 March 2023 15:21 (six months ago) link

three weeks pass...

Opal's finally really into reading, and asking all the time "what's that mean" after reading things. The other day she says "There's a sign in our classroom that says Not Ice". Wife and I were very confused and spent minutes asking, is there usually ice? Are you sure that's what it said? Why would it say that.

Finally it hit me and I said "are you sure it doesn't say Notice:" and she says "NO, it says NOT ICE. N. O. T. I. C. E., not ice"

So I ask her if there's a space between the T and the I and says no.

dan selzer, Wednesday, 5 April 2023 13:44 (five months ago) link

"Chickens are nice! They give us eggs! Why do we eat them?"

silverfish, Thursday, 13 April 2023 15:30 (five months ago) link

Not wrong

Tsar Bombadil (James Morrison), Saturday, 15 April 2023 08:57 (five months ago) link

Facebook memories resurrected this peach for me today, from when N was four and a half:

Popped in Sainsbury's to get some bits for tea.
"Why is daddy buying so many things? He said we just needed pizza and a pepper and now he has bread and all sorts of other things. He is such a dick."

Hey Bob (Scik Mouthy), Wednesday, 19 April 2023 14:04 (five months ago) link


But who are we doing it versus? (sunny successor), Thursday, 20 April 2023 16:32 (five months ago) link

“Daddy, who’s the owner of Facebook?”
Well, its founder is a guy named Mark Zuckerberg.
“Oh yeah… I get his name confused with that blimp.”
What blimp?
“You know, that famous blimp that caught fire…” (morrisp), Saturday, 22 April 2023 16:05 (five months ago) link

Mark Zeppelinberg

m0stly clean (Slowsquatch), Saturday, 22 April 2023 17:05 (five months ago) link


But who are we doing it versus? (sunny successor), Tuesday, 25 April 2023 17:19 (five months ago) link

one month passes...

if someone disbelieves you:

"mums! mums bro!!!"

Tracer Hand, Saturday, 3 June 2023 08:45 (three months ago) link

short for "mum's life" eg "i swear on my mother's life"

Tracer Hand, Saturday, 3 June 2023 08:45 (three months ago) link

Opal (age 6) came home today and decided to write some song lyrics. Says it’s not done yet. Yes we’ve been listening to the Ramones. Yes we are very proud.

text reads:

"I wana wana wana do it now!
But I can't I wana wana
wana dot now!!!!

But I can't yeah
Yeah I can't I just can't
I want to eat all the candy
but I can't yeah yeah

I just want to play all the"

It ends there. She's still working on it.

dan selzer, Monday, 5 June 2023 01:38 (three months ago) link

third line should read "do it now"

dan selzer, Monday, 5 June 2023 01:38 (three months ago) link

Mine did a Dua Lipa parody:

If you don’t want to see me pooping on somebody

INDEPENDENTS DAY BY STEVEN SPILBERG (President Keyes), Monday, 5 June 2023 01:47 (three months ago) link


Tracer Hand, Monday, 5 June 2023 08:28 (three months ago) link

10you daughter apropos of nothing: "You know that song, The Monster Mash? People should only have to hear that once in their life."

Tsar Bombadil (James Morrison), Wednesday, 7 June 2023 04:56 (three months ago) link

ha. I had weird hatreds of things as a kid too. Grease soundtrack and Abba in particular. No idea why.

Stoop Crone (Trayce), Wednesday, 7 June 2023 06:11 (three months ago) link

tbf i was that kid who despised ABBA because my only knowledge of them was being played at weddings i had no say in attending.

Western® with Bacon Flavor, Wednesday, 7 June 2023 06:16 (three months ago) link

I think mine was because of this one girl I hated at school liked them?

Stoop Crone (Trayce), Wednesday, 7 June 2023 06:17 (three months ago) link

God I'd be so miserable if I'd only have gotten to have hear the Monster Mash once in my life.

Daniel_Rf, Wednesday, 7 June 2023 09:15 (three months ago) link

ok this is annoyingly pvmic* i guess but as a kid i disliked that this guy was creating a monster on a slab and the eerie sight was when it came alive -- why was he building it if not to come alive!?

*also it belongs on the "according to me *i* said the darndest things as a kid" thread -- except i don't think i ever voiced this complaint till now

mark s, Wednesday, 7 June 2023 10:16 (three months ago) link

The eeriness is in that the monster, which the scientist previously thought to be under his control, rose of its own accord in order to engage in a dance craze.

Daniel_Rf, Wednesday, 7 June 2023 10:39 (three months ago) link

Monster Mash gets better every time I hear it

Do I look like I know what a jpeg is? (dog latin), Wednesday, 7 June 2023 10:59 (three months ago) link

darlene love on backing tracks iirc. not her best work.

koogs, Wednesday, 7 June 2023 12:03 (three months ago) link

my son has changed his Apple ID username to 'rasting clart'

Tracer Hand, Thursday, 8 June 2023 21:11 (three months ago) link

“Daddy, are you familiar with the show Seinfeld?”

Day 1 fan (morrisp), Saturday, 17 June 2023 04:08 (three months ago) link


budo jeru, Saturday, 17 June 2023 04:25 (three months ago) link

my 8 year old loves to watch those "try not to laugh videos" on Youtube. I try to supervise it because some of those get pretty adult but we had people over today and I couldn't. anyway he comes out and asks what "deez nuts" means. that made me laugh pretty hard, which in turn inspired him to say it four dozen more times.

frogbs, Sunday, 18 June 2023 04:32 (three months ago) link

My kid’s been reading Tolkien, who uses the adjective “queer” a lot… the kid only knows it in the modern context, and he asked me about a section where I guess someone says, “Everyone in this town is queer”; and Bilbo goes, “But even I, myself, am queer.” My son said he was like – huh? (I couldn’t help but chuckle at his genuine misunderstanding, even tho this wouldn’t be something to remark upon otherwise)

Day 1 fan (morrisp), Sunday, 18 June 2023 05:01 (three months ago) link

ha that's the mirror of an unusually memorable middle-school experience caused by the exact same passage: asked by jeering classmates if i'm queer i answer earnestly "sure but everyone's queer" to great hilarity+alarm. otm tho

difficult listening hour, Sunday, 18 June 2023 12:50 (three months ago) link

I'm reminded of us being read a passage from (I think?) Lion the Witch & the Wardrobe, where there was a passing comment about a "dead bluebottle on the windowsill".

I distinctly recall all us kids going "ew gross!". Becasue where I grew up, that meant a dead jellyfish on the windowsill.

Stoop Crone (Trayce), Monday, 19 June 2023 06:57 (three months ago) link

"How many subscribers do you have?"

silverfish, Friday, 23 June 2023 17:29 (three months ago) link

"You what's strange is that Taylor Swift has been singing for a really long time, and she's still not good at it. I thought if you practice so much at something you're supposed to get better."

Alito Bit of Soap (President Keyes), Friday, 23 June 2023 17:47 (three months ago) link

she is hilarious

frogbs, Saturday, 24 June 2023 04:20 (three months ago) link

two weeks pass...

Couple of kids around 8 years old fist bumping everyone getting off the overground. Then announce triumphantly "NOW WE CAN MAKE DNA".

Daniel_Rf, Sunday, 9 July 2023 11:52 (two months ago) link

I went and visited my buddy to drop something off today, and his 5-year old and 7-year old were home. I hadn't seen them in a while, so daddy and Uncle Neanderthal and the two kids were having a good time being silly, and then 7-year old asks my buddy if he was alive during the Titanic sinking. so my friend, being a wiseass, says in actuality, it wasn't an iceberg that sunk the Titanic, but Godzilla, but few people knew that. and we said that Godzilla sunk the Stockton Rush submarine because they "got too close to the truth".

so both the 7-year old and 5-year old started giggling, ran with it and began spinning wild Godzilla tales, but the 7-year old busts out with Jesus coming down and fighting Godzilla, initially bodyslamming him, WWE style into the ocean, killing him. before he was mysteriously resurrected, and came back and fought Jesus again, only for God to show up and kill BOTH God and Godzilla. and then both came back to life, but according to the 7-year old, not until he took a humongous dump in the ocean.

linoleum gallagher (Neanderthal), Saturday, 22 July 2023 19:02 (two months ago) link

*both Jesus and Godzilla

linoleum gallagher (Neanderthal), Saturday, 22 July 2023 19:03 (two months ago) link

Happiness is submission to Godzilla

I’d watch that movie

hrep (H.P), Saturday, 22 July 2023 22:51 (two months ago) link

My 6-yr-old asked why Neanderthals died out. I said, “I think they were outcompeted by humans… Humans were better at finding food.”

She said, “That’s when restaurants started, right?”

Nonhuman biologics enthusiast (morrisp), Sunday, 30 July 2023 03:46 (one month ago) link


linoleum gallagher (Neanderthal), Sunday, 30 July 2023 04:08 (one month ago) link

lol - present company excepted (sorry, N)!

Nonhuman biologics enthusiast (morrisp), Sunday, 30 July 2023 04:14 (one month ago) link

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