Kids say the darndest things

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I had to post this, since I've been cracking up about it since Saturday.

The boys were in the bath, and they started screeching:

Ben: EEEEEEEEEEE! EEEEEEEEEEEE!

My wife: Ben! Use your inside voice.

Ben (quietly): eeeeeEEEEEeeeee.

schwantz, Monday, 2 February 2009 22:58 (ten years ago) link

I heartily endorse this thread/post.

PappaWheelie V, Monday, 2 February 2009 23:11 (ten years ago) link

When I told Ophelia told her for the gazillionth time to put her hand in front of her mouth when coughing.

"I don't have any coughs anymore."

Nathalie (stevienixed), Tuesday, 3 February 2009 08:37 (ten years ago) link

Every male person outside the family is currently known and greeted as 'Funny Man'. Or occasionally 'Mr Tumble' (the latter unfortunately applies to women as well).

Archel, Tuesday, 3 February 2009 11:25 (ten years ago) link

hahaha

JAM, DWANGELA, RELLY! (sunny successor), Tuesday, 3 February 2009 14:28 (ten years ago) link

In the elevator at the gym with my wife, Owen read another woman's thoughts by asking "are you twins?" and then answered himself "yeah."

schwantz, Saturday, 7 February 2009 05:39 (ten years ago) link

hahaha

JAM, DWANGELA, RELLY! (sunny successor), Saturday, 7 February 2009 14:40 (ten years ago) link

Thank you for starting this thread. I love this stuff.

A friend at work has a two year old who has started using "Obama" as a name for pretty much everyone. He asks qustions all the time about Obama too. They're potty training him and so the other night she was asking Henry who poops. He said, "Mama poops and Daddy poops and Henry poops!" She asked who else poops thinking he's say grandma or something and he replied with, "Obama poops!!"

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Saturday, 7 February 2009 15:31 (ten years ago) link

my 7 year old nephew to his mom:

"I stopped sucking my thumb. When you get older it loses its taste."

sleeve, Tuesday, 10 February 2009 02:17 (ten years ago) link

That is exactly what I concluded about thumb-sucking (at an embarrassingly older age). Though it took having my arm in a plaster cast for seemingly years (I broke my arm three times in quick succession) to stop me in the end.

Also, Obama totally does poop!

Archel, Tuesday, 10 February 2009 09:35 (ten years ago) link

Re: Honeymoon - "Did you GO to the moon?"

lemmy tristano (James Redd and the Blecchs), Thursday, 12 February 2009 00:16 (ten years ago) link

my son when 3ish, upon eating something good: "I can't believe my mouth!" I promise he made this up himself.

Euler, Thursday, 12 February 2009 00:20 (ten years ago) link

AWWWWW!!!

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Thursday, 12 February 2009 00:23 (ten years ago) link

My kids are too old for their current sayings to be here...

But, Alice (particularly) would say such WTF things back in the day. Most (or, man) are all over ILE, but here's one of the top ones...

She was about four, I reckon.

I was explaining the whole "eggs in mummy's tummy" business.

Alice: "But how did the eggs get there?"
Me: "They were all there when Mummy was born"
Alice: "hmm. So, that means My egg and Amber's egg are exactly the same age"
Me: ".... yeah!"
Alice: (saying nothing, but now has decided Amber doesn't have 2 years superiority anymore)

Mark G, Friday, 13 February 2009 11:10 (ten years ago) link

Ophelia told her father: "Wannes is in love with me." I know, not the darndest thing but still made go all AAAAAWWWWWWWWW.

Nathalie (stevienixed), Friday, 13 February 2009 14:13 (ten years ago) link

my son when 3ish, upon eating something good: "I can't believe my mouth!" I promise he made this up himself.

― Euler, Wednesday, February 11, 2009 7:20 PM (1 week ago) Bookmark

Get that kid a TV commercial.

Bonobos in Paneradise (Hurting 2), Sunday, 22 February 2009 07:21 (ten years ago) link

haha yeah

i was driving beeps home from daycare last week and had silver jews playing in the car. so black and brown blues comes on and i start singing along at the top of my voice when i look in the rear view mirror and beeps is smacking her knee along with the song with a big smile on her face. she catches me looking at her and says 'you go, mama!'. let it be known i have the worst singing voice ever. kid is good for the ego.

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 22 February 2009 14:57 (ten years ago) link

I will work on the tv thing!

I love that my kids love my singing. It helps that it's mutual; when they're caterwauling away I tend to complement them (you know, like you do when they bring you their latest painting or sculpture).

My youngest kid, age 2, went canvassing with my wife for the Dems during the campaign last fall. Now she's taken to calling the paper subscription inserts in magazines, "Democrats". I guess it's because they're like the voter info cards that we distributed? But now she is hoarding a big pile of these things and gets angry when you take her Democrats. Silly stuff but I love it.

Euler, Sunday, 22 February 2009 16:21 (ten years ago) link

I love that all the two year old kids in SF know and mangle the words "Barack Obama."

schwantz, Monday, 23 February 2009 17:25 (ten years ago) link

nothing like this ever happens to me

鬼の手 (Edward III), Monday, 23 February 2009 17:59 (ten years ago) link

Howie knows a lot of animal names but always calls a cat "Miaow", even though he can spell the word. Hence the following conversation:

Us: "Howie, what's the first letter of cat?"
Howie: "C!"
"And what's the second letter of cat?"
"A!"
"And what's the last letter of cat?"
"T!"
"[Pointing to letters in book] So, what does 'C-A-T' spell, Howie?"
"[Thinks for a moment...} Miaow!"

Meg (Meg Busset), Monday, 23 February 2009 23:28 (ten years ago) link

my nearly 12-week-old has been babbling non-stop. it's such a nice change from shrieking.

Oh Why, Sports Coat? (Dr. Superman), Thursday, 26 February 2009 19:17 (ten years ago) link

(Apologies if I've already told this story on ILX, can't remember)

A few weeks ago, Ava was being extremely naughty, pushing Pam away, shouting "Don't talk to me! Don't look at me!", etc. Pam wrote down "Naughty girls don't get visits from their friends or treats or get to go to the park" on a slip of paper and handed it to the noncommunicative hell-child.

Ava read it out loud, looked at the paper for a few seconds and then announced, "I'm going to tear this into tiny pieces." It was all Pam could do not to burst out laughing right there...

Michael Jones, Saturday, 28 February 2009 21:25 (ten years ago) link

haa :)

ice cr?m, Sunday, 1 March 2009 00:26 (ten years ago) link

this morning: "there are so many things in this room, it's like an optical course"

鬼の手 (Edward III), Sunday, 1 March 2009 00:46 (ten years ago) link

SS, that's the cutest thing ever! Ophelia requests all my music to stop playing so she can listen to her music. Grrr. Elisabeth loves most music we play. This morning she immediately started waving her hand when Marvin Gaye started singing. She also looooves Pulsinger.

Nathalie (stevienixed), Sunday, 1 March 2009 13:30 (ten years ago) link

its still so weird to me these little creatures have already developed their own tastes. that silver jews moment was a rare one. usually she'll sit there going 'wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? brobie? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? wonderpets? " etc until we put it on.

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 1 March 2009 14:04 (ten years ago) link

nickelodeon brainwash

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 1 March 2009 14:04 (ten years ago) link

she found a tampon and asked what it was. i mumbled her mommy bleeds every month and that it stops the bleeding.

"so mommy leaks."

uh yeah, i guess....

the tip of the tongue taking a trip tralalala (stevienixed), Friday, 6 March 2009 22:33 (ten years ago) link

Edward, I'm amazed. That's amazing.

How can there be male ladybugs? (Laurel), Friday, 6 March 2009 22:41 (ten years ago) link

We remembered another one from our son a few years back, when he was 2-ish: out of the blue one day, he asked "why we is not ducks?". I didn't know what to say. Really, why? The mind boggles.

Euler, Saturday, 7 March 2009 01:56 (ten years ago) link

My friend did this facebook thing earlier where she had to ask her kids a series of questions about herself and write in their answers. Her sons are around 6 and 4, I think.

Q: How tall is your Mom?

A: "15 degrees" -Ben "Probably 10 inches high" -Zac

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Saturday, 7 March 2009 04:50 (ten years ago) link

i seriously can't get over "15 degrees"

been HOOS, where yyyou steene!? (BIG HOOS aka the steendriver), Saturday, 7 March 2009 05:02 (ten years ago) link

I know, I love it.

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Saturday, 7 March 2009 05:03 (ten years ago) link

I showed Beeps a full page face ad of Gisele Bündchen in the lastest issure of Glamour and asked 'who is that?' She replied 'Mama!' Damn straight.

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 8 March 2009 03:30 (ten years ago) link

keep that one around!

yur twit (tehresa), Sunday, 8 March 2009 03:35 (ten years ago) link

hopefully her eyesight will never improve

quadratrillionaire (sunny successor), Sunday, 8 March 2009 03:37 (ten years ago) link

Howie does that when we read the book 'Terrible Trolls' -- points at them and says "Mummy! Daddy!"

I will have to send him round to Beeps for some training.

Meg (Meg Busset), Sunday, 8 March 2009 13:02 (ten years ago) link

I showed Beeps a full page face ad of Gisele Bündchen in the lastest issure of Glamour and asked 'who is that?' She replied 'Mama!' Damn straight.

A keeper! :-)

the tip of the tongue taking a trip tralalala (stevienixed), Monday, 9 March 2009 14:19 (ten years ago) link

z (4-yr-old) industriously constructing puzzle on the floor, while rex (11 mos.) repeatedly crawls through it, picks up pieces, sticks them in his mouth, etc. z fairly patiently nudges rex away two or three times, says "no, rex," but on about the 4th time, in exasperation, he yelps, "DAMMIT REX!"

paper plans (tipsy mothra), Monday, 16 March 2009 23:50 (ten years ago) link

kids swearing: classic. One of my kids didn't really understand what the word dammit was, so he'd say, "debit", as in "debit card", which got us off the hook with my mother-in-law.

Euler, Tuesday, 17 March 2009 00:27 (ten years ago) link

z (4-yr-old) industriously constructing puzzle on the floor, while rex (11 mos.) repeatedly crawls through it, picks up pieces, sticks them in his mouth, etc. z fairly patiently nudges rex away two or three times, says "no, rex," but on about the 4th time, in exasperation, he yelps, "DAMMIT REX!"

― paper plans (tipsy mothra), Monday, March 16, 2009 6:50 PM (2 hours ago) Bookmark

ok so this is the funniest/cuetest thing i have read in a while

i like to fart and i am crazy (gbx), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 02:01 (ten years ago) link

Agreed. That's so cute.

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 12:37 (ten years ago) link

it cracked us up. but i guess we need to do some policing of it before he gets to kindergarten.

paper plans (tipsy mothra), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 17:08 (ten years ago) link

Apparently in kindergarten I referred to a toy car as "that goddamn son of a bitch". Wasn't mad, that's just what I called it.

WmC, Tuesday, 17 March 2009 17:14 (ten years ago) link

i once very cheerfully yelled to my pal "see you later, asshole!" as our parents were taking us home from preschool. my mom was not, uh, thrilled

i like to fart and i am crazy (gbx), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 21:54 (ten years ago) link

^ That is awesome.

Too Into Dancing to Argue (ENBB), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 22:51 (ten years ago) link

ha i once came home from school in 1st or 2nd grade and told my parents "the bus driver is an asshole" not really knowing what that meant :-/

HHooHHHooHH-oob (harbl), Tuesday, 17 March 2009 22:53 (ten years ago) link

Alice has been known to bang her fist on the table and yell 'dammit!' but I strongly suspect her dad has been coaching her for his own amusement. Though come to think of it she's also started a thing of regularly shouting 'it's a deal!' and shaking hands with us. Clearly a future CEO :(

Archel, Thursday, 19 March 2009 09:36 (ten years ago) link

OK, heree goez:

In Venice, back at the flat, playing whist:

Mum: "Hearts!"
Alice: (Oh, fuMMMFTH)

The sound of Alice slapping her hand over her mouth, too late.
She got embarrassed, we just laffed. (She was 8)

Mark G, Monday, 23 March 2009 14:02 (ten years ago) link

yr kid otm

L'assie (Euler), Thursday, 13 June 2019 15:18 (four months ago) link

Opal's favorite thing is whenever I say something like "Mommy will be home in no time" or "your snack will be ready in no time" she says "my snack will be ready in YES time"

dan selzer, Thursday, 13 June 2019 15:23 (four months ago) link

My dad used to say "no way José" (except he said it "ho zay") and I would say "yes way José". At least one time I asked for a coke and he said "no way José" and I said "yes way Coke way". Kids are linguistic innovators.

don't mock my smock or i'll clean your clock (silby), Thursday, 13 June 2019 15:55 (four months ago) link

my mother in law used to said that "no way José" was cussing & so my wife couldn't say it when she was a kid. moms say the darnedest things.

L'assie (Euler), Thursday, 13 June 2019 15:57 (four months ago) link

6yo daughter picks up her mum's cup of tea. "Mmm, tea. So flavourless, so refreshing!"

otm

don't mock my smock or i'll clean your clock (silby), Friday, 14 June 2019 01:25 (four months ago) link

Hahaa!

obliquity of the ecliptic (rrrobyn), Friday, 14 June 2019 15:19 (four months ago) link

three weeks pass...

after getting a bit wet while walking near the ocean:

"I've got ocean all over me!"

silverfish, Tuesday, 9 July 2019 23:08 (three months ago) link

after getting a bit wet while walking near the ocean:

"I've got ocean all over me!"

silverfish, Tuesday, 9 July 2019 23:08 (three months ago) link

we took Opal to the beach a few years ago. She wasn't into going in the water but we got her close to the edge, then as the wave came up she ran back up the beach, laughing and yelling "it's following me!"

dan selzer, Wednesday, 10 July 2019 14:25 (three months ago) link

both cute and slightly horror-movie-ish

Li'l Brexit (Tracer Hand), Wednesday, 10 July 2019 14:36 (three months ago) link

speaking of

"hunger games? isn't that pretty scary?"

"oh it's a 12, daddy it's fine"

"but you're 10. and Paul's 7"

"it's ok. i like killing."

Li'l Brexit (Tracer Hand), Wednesday, 10 July 2019 17:12 (three months ago) link

The life cycle of a human, according to my five-year-old:

1. Baby
2. Kid
3 .Adult
4 .R.I.P.
5. Zombie
6. Ghost
7. Ultraplasm
8. Space Ranger

Hans Holbein (Chinchilla Volapük), Thursday, 11 July 2019 05:08 (three months ago) link

agree

Squeaky Fromage (VegemiteGrrl), Thursday, 11 July 2019 05:15 (three months ago) link

When he was three:

[listening to Beethoven's violin concerto]

Kid: "Who is singing this?"
Me: "This isn't a singer's voice, it's a violin"
Kid: "I thought it was a dolphin"

Hans Holbein (Chinchilla Volapük), Thursday, 11 July 2019 05:23 (three months ago) link

I just learned that Opal said she had basil eyes like momma. She has brown eyes like me. Nicole has hazel eyes. Nicole tried to correct her but she screamed “no I have basil eyes”

dan selzer, Friday, 12 July 2019 00:29 (three months ago) link

🎶she’s got basil fawlty eyes 🎶

Squeaky Fromage (VegemiteGrrl), Saturday, 13 July 2019 19:04 (three months ago) link

“Put your slippers on”
“Where is them?”

calstars, Saturday, 13 July 2019 20:06 (three months ago) link

me to 4yo after what appeared to be a nice playdate with Ollie: did you have fun playing with Ollie?
4yo: yes. I never want to see him again.

kinder, Thursday, 25 July 2019 16:12 (two months ago) link

haha

estela, Friday, 26 July 2019 03:46 (two months ago) link

Various ways our daughter demands more (ages 2-3):

Me: Not too much
Her: Too much!

Me: Just a little bit
Her: A big bit!

Me: Two minutes
Her: No, all the minutes!

Me: Five minutes
Her: No, two minutes!

The Pingularity (ledge), Friday, 26 July 2019 07:52 (two months ago) link

"all the minutes" - classic

ArchCarrier, Friday, 26 July 2019 14:01 (two months ago) link

the last one is common at our house too
"i'll tell you another story if you can wait quietly for five minutes"
"i don't want to wait five minutes! how about ... four minutes?"

na (NA), Friday, 26 July 2019 14:11 (two months ago) link

oh wait i screwed that up

na (NA), Friday, 26 July 2019 14:11 (two months ago) link

she'll suggest a number that's actually bigger than five, making the wait longer for her

na (NA), Friday, 26 July 2019 14:12 (two months ago) link

well now we know where she gets her counting skills from

na (NA), Friday, 26 July 2019 14:12 (two months ago) link

We get stuff like that. Opal was just sitting in a duck ride. The kind on a sidewalk. It wasn’t moving. We said let’s go to the playground and she said something like “I’ll stay here for just a little more hours”.

dan selzer, Friday, 26 July 2019 15:29 (two months ago) link

Last night Opal overheard me talking about uber and shouted out "a goober is a chocolate covered peanut!"

Tonight as I was trying to floss her teeth she ran out of the bathroom and jumped on the couch w/ mommy, turned around and said "floss my tushy".

dan selzer, Monday, 5 August 2019 00:33 (two months ago) link

“Papa. Which to you like better. Coffee. Or working?”

calstars, Monday, 5 August 2019 00:46 (two months ago) link

Explaining the Voyager golden record to 6yo.
HER: But they should have sent food for the aliens!
ME: I don't think the food would last for millions of years.
HER; Cheese! Cheese lasts a LONG time.

two weeks pass...

Re. pre-schoolers at music festivals: Nora had more than one awful pre-schooler tantrum, including an immense one at half past midnight at the festival toilets which culminated in her yelling at me “it’s my body! It’s my decision! Don’t touch me!” when I was trying to get her onesie off and get her to have the wee that she’d requested I take her for. Yes, there were other people present. No, no one said anything. Yes, some people looked sympathetic, albeit in that ‘stupid fucker kept a 4-year-old up after midnight’ way.

Hey Bob (Scik Mouthy), Thursday, 22 August 2019 21:23 (one month ago) link

she's right tbh

president of deluded fruitcakes anonymous (silby), Thursday, 22 August 2019 21:28 (one month ago) link

Oh absolutely.

Hey Bob (Scik Mouthy), Thursday, 22 August 2019 21:32 (one month ago) link

Ella has learned from us the "not naming any names, but SOMEBODY [broke/lost/forgot whatever]" phrase, and now SOMEBODY is responsible for a hell of a lot of bad shit in our house.

two weeks pass...

"I'm a vegetarian except for McDonald's"

silverfish, Tuesday, 10 September 2019 16:09 (one month ago) link

Ha, my 7yo daughter recently announced that she's a vegetarian but will still eat a chicken leg because "a chicken could still live if it lost a leg"

Lavator Shemmelpennick, Tuesday, 10 September 2019 19:33 (one month ago) link

i mean she’s not wrong tbf

don’t bore us, get to the aeon of horus (bizarro gazzara), Tuesday, 10 September 2019 19:34 (one month ago) link

true! Snapshot of morality development in vivo

Lavator Shemmelpennick, Tuesday, 10 September 2019 19:36 (one month ago) link

Chicken fingers are okay too, because chickens don't need fingers at all.

And the wind... cries... Larry (Ye Mad Puffin), Tuesday, 10 September 2019 20:38 (one month ago) link

Chickens have zero use for their nuggets iirc.

DJI, Tuesday, 10 September 2019 20:44 (one month ago) link

one month passes...

“Hey dad. What’s your favorite color of the alphabet?”

Hmm

“The answer is square!”

That’s good. I’m going to use that in job interviews

“No dad, post it to ILX!”

El Tomboto, Thursday, 17 October 2019 01:14 (four days ago) link

Meta-kids!

DJI, Thursday, 17 October 2019 03:40 (four days ago) link

pfft Tombot if your kid wants to be on ilx they should get their own account

president of deluded fruitcakes anonymous (silby), Thursday, 17 October 2019 05:26 (four days ago) link

The other day opal (2 and a half) called her vagina her “tushy penis”

dan selzer, Thursday, 17 October 2019 11:31 (four days ago) link

get tombot jr a login, stat, that's the kind of unconventional thinking we sorely need more of on these boards

expedited frictionless convergences (bizarro gazzara), Thursday, 17 October 2019 11:39 (four days ago) link

Me: Please pick up your Legos

4yo: Daddy, you're kind of putting me into slavery.

(Phone rings, it's Fox News offering my son a prime time slot)

Muswell Hillbilly Elegy (President Keyes), Thursday, 17 October 2019 14:28 (four days ago) link

We had an elderly neighbour over for coffee. Somehow it was mentioned that he grew up during World War 2.

My son: "Wow! Did you survive?"

ArchCarrier, Thursday, 17 October 2019 15:04 (four days ago) link

my wife explained to Opal that Vampires are made up creatures that suck blood out of necks, after seeing them in the halloween book Sheep Trick or Treat.

she also recently learned about the little beach birds called Sandpipers.

A few weeks ago we were going to Rockaway Beach off-season to play in the sand and she freaked out. "No, I don't wanna see sandpipers don't want my blood sucked"

dan selzer, Thursday, 17 October 2019 16:57 (four days ago) link

“no”

“later”

“why are you still talking “

Li'l Brexit (Tracer Hand), Thursday, 17 October 2019 20:02 (four days ago) link


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