ILX Parenting 6: "Put Some Goddamn Pants On Before You Go Outside!" is a thing I say now

A thing I wish I understood better earlier in parenting: separate the feeling from the thing underlying it. The feeling can be very real even where the ostensible thing they are upset about doesn't seem like a reasonable thing to be upset about. Focus on the feeling, not the objective thing, try to address the feeling, then figure out if there's a solution that doesn't require you to do the unreasonable thing they are asking or to not have boundaries.

Example, K (10yo) had an absolute meltdown claiming that she had "nothing to wear." Initially felt annoyed - her dresser and closet are overflowing with clothes. So what's really going on? Anxiety about being liked (clothes not being 'good enough'. Of course they are good enough by any standards, but the feeling is real. Talked to her calmly about the worry rather than continuing to argue with her that she objectively obviously has 3x "enough clothes." Stayed firm that we were not going to start buying her even more clothes than she was already getting for spring, but talked the feelings through with her. Realized that part of the issue is how we got the clothes - we signed her up for Stitch Fix, which seemed like it was working well (clothing actually works out very cheap on a per-item basis, and she seemed to enjoy getting it), but it turned out she had been keeping a lot of stuff she probably didn't really like that much because she was under the impression it was "cheaper" since you get the discount if you keep everything. Of course, it isn't cheaper if you only like half the things. We agreed that going forward she will just get fewer items and the ones that she really likes and needs (either from Stitch Fix or from a store) and we talked about how her friends also do not have perfect clothes and how they seem to like her a lot and it seems unlikely that they would drop her as a friend for not wearing the perfect outfit one day. Made clear that we weren't going to buy her even more clothes ahead of the plan we already have to get her spring/summer clothes next month.

The social anxiety she felt was very real and deep and understandable from the circumstances of her life. The idea that she "had nothing to wear" was of course not real, and we didn't give in to that idea, but we addressed the fear underlying it, and it seemed to work.

Good post, our eldest is a little young yet to analyse her feelings like that but definitely the approach to aim for.

B's oldest is now into vinyl! Dad has proudly set up his pro DJ turntable and mixer in the lad's room and got out all his old TISM records and various northern soul soundtracks, its so nice to hear the music filtering down from upstairs, reminds me of my own teen years and feels good.

xp I think some of it applies even with younger kids - maybe you can't analyze the feelings in as sophisticated a way, but you can remember the principle that their feelings are real even if the thing they are upset about is not "reasonable," and that you can validate their feelings without giving into everything they want or losing boundaries.

Yes absolutely.

Although I'm reminded of the parenting manuals which suggest that to calm your child down when they're having a tantrum e.g. about something they can't have, you just have to get on their level, make eye contact, and say 'i know what you're feeling'. Never. Works. Ever.

ha, yeah, when I'm in the park with preschoolers and their parents and you hear all these cries of "I UNDERSTAND YOU FEEL DISAPPOINTED" as they tear off around the park trying to catch up with the kid who's legged it in a tantrum

Up to a certain age, “Look! Did you see that monkey?” while pointing out the window was an absolute lifesaver. Doesn’t work on an 8-y-o sadly.

Yes the only things that ever worked were alternatives (you can't have that, how about this?), choices (you can't have that, would you like this or this?) or best of all distraction - which is the one that all those parenting manuals were so very down on, "how would you like it if someone said 'look a monkey!' when you were upset?' *shrugs* if it works...

this is hard to organise i know but i vividly recall when my niece was abt five and vigorously and angrily protesting bcz she had not been allowed to go on a ride (the final of several she had been on) at a little pop-up funfair nearby -- bcz her mum discovered as they were queuing that she had run out of change and i didn't have any either. so yes sure had turned abruptly into no and niece was enraged and felt betrayed and lie to and was therefore SCREAMING WITH FURY as we walked home…

anyway abt half way there a helpful ladybird landed on her hand and the tears and anger vanished instantly

My Minecraft loving 12 yo suddenly wants to hit the gym

when i was at the gym (for medical reasons) there were groups in there using the equipment that were obviously school groups

Yeah I was told at my gym that peak hours start around 3/3:30 because that's when the high school kids show up. It's generally a healthy and good thing, notwithstanding any concerns about bro culture and the like.

We've suddenly hit this miraculous point where the combination of warm weather, low COVID, and the fact that our kids are a little older better known in the neighborhood means they just, like, go to each other's houses and play all the time? And they keep each other busy, and it feels like life is so much easier, even when the kids are at our house.

this morning my son, who is in 1st grade, told me he woke up in the middle of the night and got scared because "Among Us" was in his room. it turns out what he was talking about was this little wooden spaceship hanging up on his wall, which we bought for him before he was born.

the thing is, he has no idea what "Among Us" is. I really don't either, I just know it's a very popular online game and what the characters look like. I'm wondering what he thinks it is and why he's scared of it.

the other thing is they bring up this game called "Huggy Wuggy" that they play on the playground. I didn't think much of it but since he's brought it up a lot lately I looked it up and it turns out to be this creepypasta thing. kinda like Slender Man. I had no idea how early this stuff gets its hooks into kids - a year ago my nephew, who was 9, asked if I ever heard of "thomas.exe" before. Obviously I haven't but I can take a pretty good guess!

anyway, I don't know how to keep him away from this stuff, or if I even really want to, it's kind of inevitable that he's gonna be online a lot in a few years. I just feel bad cuz this stuff is gonna spook the shit outta him and I don't want him to fall into the same dumb internet rabbit holes that I did when I was like, 13

among us is a very goofy game but there is an element of danger and paranoia to it. it's one of a larger genre of "guess the bad guy" games i.e. secret hitler. there's a group of people who all play at the same time online, in the same game. they are divided into crewmates and imposters. the imposters try to sabotage the mission and/or kill crewmates. the crewmates try to fix up the ship. it's very addictive and very social and there are elements of detective work. it's a good game!

This is not a rhetorical question, is the current stuff any worse than when camp counselors would try to scare us into believing that the Wendigo was out there in the woods and occasionally dragged off a camper?

maybe because there's a visual element to it? like I look up what Huggy Wuggy and thomas.exe are and there are all sorts of videos which seem designed to make people feel weird and scared, which I imagine you can spend a lot of time looking at if you want. obviously the point is to take something they like and turn it sinister, which he can probably handle when he's like, 10, but he's only 7 now. old enough to be fascinated with stuff like "what happens when you die" but not old enough to discern what's real from what's not. he still believes in the Easter Bunny and Santa and all that.

anyway I'm not concerned with Among Us itself, I've seen it and it just seems like a cool online game, I'm more concerned with the way YouTube and the internet in general tries to drag kids into all this unsettling shit. he watches footage of Mario Party on YouTube and it's a pretty short hop from that to "Mario in Hellworld"-type videos

yeah it's not great

At least they got all that procedurally generated Pregnant Elsa stuff off, I remember taking naps with him while watching Cocomelon (or at least the channel which became Cocomelon) and waking up to some really freaky shit which always seemed to involve syringes and being buried alive

fuck this is reminding me I need to check my older one's internet history, been meaning to. We have parental controls but I doubt they're foolproof.

My kids (7 and 11) are heavily into Huggy Wuggy, Sirenhead, Cartoon Cat and the rest of them, I even bought the older one a Huggy Wuggy plush for his birthday. At first I was a bit concerned that the younger one was scared, but having watched a couple of videos with them it just reminded me of how much I was into ghosts at that age (and a terrifying cassette of Hound Of The Baskervilles) so I've decided to go with the creepypasta tide. I play Among Us with them too, would recommend it as a way to play computer games together in a controlled public online environment (you can fix it so that the chat is restricted to a series of standard options)

Some of those Cocomelon ripoffs feel incredibly uncanny and creepy without anything actually weird happening in the videos

How do you all handle whether or not to "let your kids win" at stuff?

I've had this particular issue with basketball lately with K (now 10) who is pretty solid at bball for her age. I typically try to play just hard enough that she is challenged, but not too hard, however it feels like no matter how I play she gets mad that I am letting her win. But if I turn it up and start to win, she gets mad that she can't beat me. I've tried to be honest with her and say that it's just not realistic for her to expect to beat a grown-up who is trying to win, but she can't accept this either. It always seems to end in frustration, and I don't know what to do, because K loves basketball, I love basketball, I love playing basketball with K, and I want to do what I can to help K practice.

There is no way for your 10-year-old daughter to beat you at basketball. When my kids were younger, I took a couple of approaches: first, make playing together more about instruction and development than about "winning"; second, organize games with other parents and mix up the teams so that you have a mix of adults and kids on each.

I try to take the same approach to games like chess. It all works out; they make me look absolutely foolish when we play video games together.

I’m the most competitive person I know and there is nothing more I would to do than destroy my 8 year old at all competitive endeavors. But not worth the melt down, so I typically let her win. Even on pure luck based games like candy land, I’ll cheat just to lose.

Well, 8 is a little young, so I understand that. My kids are mostly adults now.

The grown ones are all much taller and more athletic than I, so "winning" at sports is no longer an issue LOL

lol xps

imagining Jeff all like

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1AtAQM1mNw

https://i.imgur.com/p2YoxZZ.png

See you later

i had this horrific/hilarious Apatow kind of scene in my head recently where a parent is taking their baby/toddler to a public pool. after some time the parent takes the kid out of the pool and eventually recognizes the kid shit in their diaper while in the pool.

....so

you mean a swim diaper? idgi

water may eventually leak out of a diaper, even a swim diaper...?

Yeah, they're not designed to hold water.

Our 2 year old run around the house in a swim diaper yesterday.
So now I've learned the messy way that they don't absorb water. Which, given a moment's thought, I probably should have known.

re: basketball: the only time i played competitively with my dad, it was horse. this worked for both of us

whenever my kids want me to scroll through the hundreds of kids shows available on any given app they say "go up!" meaning move the visible thumbnails up so we can see what's below. I always take them to mean scroll up / move the visible thumbnails down so we can see what's above. hilarity always ensues.

repeatedly misunderstanding child’s instructions to increasing humor of parent and increasing frustration of child is an evergreen genre of parenting. It feels like surfing, I like to see how far I can push it before they completely lose all patience

That reads more sadistic than it actually is, there is an element of corny “dad joke“ type humor to this dynamic as well, that I did not capture

yeah, that's a good bit

4yo has been in a shitty mood all afternoon because we briefly visited a farm and 'the cows looked at me' and 'they were stupid to look at me' and 'the stupid cows shouldn't have looked at me'.
(Think he was a bit scared of them, he wanted to go see a tractor but he'd have had to go past a big barn of cows and they are a bit freaky tbf)

7.5 year old is really into old metal at the moment and wants to listen to Metallica and Black Sabbath whenever we ride in the car. Does NOT like Iron Maiden or Anthrax because of the "screechy" vocals, thinks Slayer is sometimes too offensive on purpose, and seems to like Mastodon but I need to play more of it.

Anyway we were at the beach the other day and he ended up building sand castles and shit with some random other kids who happened to be there and I heard him asking them "who do you like more, Tony Iommi or Randy Rhoads?" before lecturing them about how influential Black Sabbath is.

yeah, anger is often a response to some other emotion that they don't know how to deal with. I wouldn't sweat it too much, sounds like normal 4yo stuff xp

This is going to be one of the lamest things I have ever said (and there's a lot of competition for that), but what do you guys think of kids watching the Simpsons? It's probably too late now anyway, but my now 10yo started watching it obsessively during the pandemic, and I actually in retrospect feel kind of weird about it. There's such a deep level of cynicism and callousness to the show, especially in the post-prime seasons (which she loves for some reason). But, like, I watched it when I was her age or not much older, and likely a lot of worse shit too, so \o/

my parents definitely thought it was too cynical. they preferred cosby and cheers. these days when you stack it up next to something like family guy or south park or rick and morty it looks like fucking anne of green gables

It's very weird and uncomfortable to actually "get it" now about why parents didn't like it back then. I feel in a weird way like it exposes her to too much too soon, like she is getting a lot of negative and cynical messages about so many different aspects of family, education, govt, etc. and it's not like there isn't some truth in those things, it's just that she's getting the cynical version before even getting the uncynical version.

Tried with the 8 year old and she was totally bored with the Simpsons. Said it was too weird.

Yeah my younger one finds it totally uninteresting, older one has I think literally watched every single ep available, some multiple times. I guess that sort of makes it too late for her anyway.

I guess on that note, Stranger Things seem alright for a 10yo? My gut says yes, it's scary but not depraved, but I only watched half the first season and that was a while ago.

it gets steadily scarier as the seasons progress. everybody’s different. watching with them is pretty key if you’re unsure imo.