ILX Parenting 6: "Put Some Goddamn Pants On Before You Go Outside!" is a thing I say now

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have at it

Οὖτις, Friday, 10 July 2015 19:51 (four years ago) link

"because I'M the parent!" is a thing *I* say now.

UYD: Oxys, Percs, Vics, Addys, Rit-Dogs and Xannys (sunny successor), Friday, 10 July 2015 20:47 (four years ago) link

I find myself saying giving the weirdest instructions sometimes

Οὖτις, Friday, 10 July 2015 21:00 (four years ago) link

completely frivolous post but: ex-coworker pregnant w second baby. she's naming it "Macyn" and I am pretty IA about it tbh

ugh. just call the fuckin kid mason jeeeeeeezus christ almighty

difficult-difficult lemon-difficult (VegemiteGrrl), Tuesday, 14 July 2015 19:48 (four years ago) link

boy or girl? I'm guessing girl.

mom tossed in kimchee (quincie), Tuesday, 14 July 2015 22:50 (four years ago) link

just intentionally mispronounce it from now on

Οὖτις, Tuesday, 14 July 2015 23:00 (four years ago) link

"makin? like yr makin a baby?"

Οὖτις, Tuesday, 14 July 2015 23:00 (four years ago) link

we've moved beyond the "why" stage to the "no" or simply ignoring stage which is slowly sapping my will to live and/or self-image as a nice guy

transparent play for gifs (Tracer Hand), Wednesday, 15 July 2015 12:53 (four years ago) link

Hey all. Haven't been around for a while but K now has a baby sister, E. 👨‍👩‍👧‍👧

five six and (man alive), Thursday, 16 July 2015 00:58 (four years ago) link

Good job.

Jeff, Thursday, 16 July 2015 01:02 (four years ago) link

Oh yay! I was just thinking about you, man alive, and hoping you'd come back and say hello. Congratulations!

from batman to balloon dog (carl agatha), Thursday, 16 July 2015 01:45 (four years ago) link

Aw! Nice to not be forgotten by ILXORs, at least a few nice ones.

five six and (man alive), Thursday, 16 July 2015 01:47 (four years ago) link

yes you were missed dude

marcos, Thursday, 16 July 2015 02:12 (four years ago) link

we even posted in the ilx milk carton thread a while back iirc

marcos, Thursday, 16 July 2015 02:13 (four years ago) link

anyways good to have a new thread

J is starting to ask "what is ____" about everything, it is really cool, like he is really trying to get at the deeper meaning of it, e.g. he has been eating oatmeal for a good two years now but now he wants to really know "what is oatmeal???"

marcos, Thursday, 16 July 2015 02:15 (four years ago) link

haha also xp man alive i misread your post to say "K now has a babysitter, E" so i did not comment b/c that seemed unremarkable, but yea congratulations!

marcos, Thursday, 16 July 2015 02:24 (four years ago) link

So yeah, two kids is pretty crazy. OTOH in the final months before the birth I hustled hard and found a better job -- better pay AND more flexible with time, and that's been making things a lot easier.

five six and (man alive), Thursday, 16 July 2015 03:13 (four years ago) link

Oh awesome! Congratulations on the new job AND the new baby!

from batman to balloon dog (carl agatha), Thursday, 16 July 2015 03:17 (four years ago) link

yeah two kids is nuts. fwiw three is not as nuts as two is, in case you're inclined in that way

we just flew back to the usa for a couple of weeks and my kids did well, but then my youngest is 8 so why would it be bad. tons of movies on demand with the little screens, they keep bringing you food and drinks, you get to snuggle, what's not to like.

droit au butt (Euler), Thursday, 16 July 2015 12:01 (four years ago) link

fwiw three is not as nuts as two

this needs explaination

UYD: Oxys, Percs, Vics, Addys, Rit-Dogs and Xannys (sunny successor), Thursday, 16 July 2015 17:36 (four years ago) link

two is fucking crazy

marcos, Thursday, 16 July 2015 18:45 (four years ago) link

I assume when you have three you let the oldest child be in charge of the other two. Parenting over!

Οὖτις, Thursday, 16 July 2015 18:46 (four years ago) link

im dying here w/ 2, it is intense

my mom had 5 and i just can't even comprehend that

marcos, Thursday, 16 July 2015 18:48 (four years ago) link

i think maybe people who say the jump to 3 is not a big deal is maybe because at that point the older ones are a little more manageable since they are older?

marcos, Thursday, 16 July 2015 18:49 (four years ago) link

also some of you may recall i mentioned J's autism diagnosis on the previous thread, things were super stressful for a long while especially after F's birth but things do seem to be falling into place a little w/ his services and planning for preschool next year. we found some really incredible home-based therapists and b/c of his diagnosis J also got offered a spot at one of our city's best public schools allowing us to bypass some of the anxiety-inducing byzantine lottery process. one benefit i guess to having a kid with special needs. also J is just doing amazingly well right now and we've seen so much growth and progress, it is really hopeful.

marcos, Thursday, 16 July 2015 18:54 (four years ago) link

Oh good! That's good to hear.

from batman to balloon dog (carl agatha), Thursday, 16 July 2015 19:21 (four years ago) link

Thanks for the update Marcos, that's good to hear.
My friend with 3 kids says the jump to 3 is the craziest ever. You only have 2 hands for a start!

kinder, Thursday, 16 July 2015 19:44 (four years ago) link

Yeah I've heard that 3 is the hardest - harder than two, harder than four.

LOL survey says -

I think we'll stick with one to be on the safe side.

from batman to balloon dog (carl agatha), Thursday, 16 July 2015 19:58 (four years ago) link

I would add "Put on your shoes" to this list.

Immediate Follower (NA), Thursday, 16 July 2015 20:11 (four years ago) link

Ivy's only 19 months so some of those don't apply but we're already well on our way with "Careful," "You're fine," and "Don't eat that."

from batman to balloon dog (carl agatha), Thursday, 16 July 2015 20:16 (four years ago) link

yeah I dunno with #3, #1 was already 6 years old, so didn't need the kind of management that newborns do, and got along well with #2 so our lives were fine. plus we knew what we were doing by that point, at least as well as we ever were going to. but when #2 was born...I don't know how we survived tbh

droit au butt (Euler), Thursday, 16 July 2015 20:44 (four years ago) link

Oh god, "careful!" is getting a lot of use now, as well as the related "gentle hands!" F's top three words are "no", "nono" and "nonononononono".

Madchen, Thursday, 16 July 2015 20:55 (four years ago) link

"Did you take another bite of your dinner yet?"

how's life, Thursday, 16 July 2015 21:03 (four years ago) link

Ivy's daycare teachers use the Spanish "linda" to mean "nicely," which Ivy picked up on early so we say that instead of "gentle hands." And we say that a lot... Also my mom's old favorite: People are not for hitting. People are for loving. Usually said through gritted teeth after Ivy smacks my glasses off my face.

from batman to balloon dog (carl agatha), Thursday, 16 July 2015 21:15 (four years ago) link

our perfect granddaughter, who always slept through the night even from birth and has never been the slightest bit difficult during year one, has FINALLY has her first tantrum, tried to scratch her mom with her little fingernails. we breathed a sigh of relief tbh, thank god she's not some pod person experiment and is actually human.

I have a couple of new Isolde pics as well, will post later

sleeve, Thursday, 16 July 2015 21:31 (four years ago) link

Damn straight.

from batman to balloon dog (carl agatha), Thursday, 16 July 2015 22:00 (four years ago) link

"gentle hands" wtf does that mean, like what is the situation

transparent play for gifs (Tracer Hand), Thursday, 16 July 2015 23:47 (four years ago) link


difficult-difficult lemon-difficult (VegemiteGrrl), Thursday, 16 July 2015 23:48 (four years ago) link

ime it is another way of saying "don't scratch my fucking face, boy"

marcos, Friday, 17 July 2015 00:06 (four years ago) link

Yeah like "don't hit scratch slap pinch me/your dad/this other child/the cat."

from batman to balloon dog (carl agatha), Friday, 17 July 2015 00:39 (four years ago) link

"What did I just say?" is another thing I say a lot.

Οὖτις, Friday, 17 July 2015 02:39 (four years ago) link

I've been trying to get a little more real about "rules" lately, especially with eating, e.g. I keep repeating "we don't get something else until we finish what we have," because she has a really annoying habit of asking for something, taking a few bites and then asking for another thing. Also trying to stop snacks in the stroller and carseat so she'll actually eat her goddamn meals instead of snacking all the time, but that one is challenging (because on the morning where she DOESN'T eat her goddamn breakfast, you feel guilty sending her to school hungry).

five six and (man alive), Friday, 17 July 2015 04:51 (four years ago) link

Also we have a grandparent who sees her every week and undermines all this

five six and (man alive), Friday, 17 July 2015 04:51 (four years ago) link

gah, that thing when your newborn is finally asleep and completely quiet and then you keep checking every twenty minutes to make sure they're alive.

five six and (man alive), Friday, 17 July 2015 05:02 (four years ago) link


difficult-difficult lemon-difficult (VegemiteGrrl), Friday, 17 July 2015 05:19 (four years ago) link

double congratulations, man alive!

estela, Friday, 17 July 2015 05:28 (four years ago) link

small man still alive

wisdom be leakin out my louche douche truths (k3vin k.), Friday, 17 July 2015 05:29 (four years ago) link

So I may have missed something, but I think Nora only woke at midnight and 3am last night. It's 7am now and she's still asleep. And it's Em's birthday.

Hey Bob (Scik Mouthy), Friday, 17 July 2015 06:18 (four years ago) link

Ha, I slept straight through a 5am waking..,

Hey Bob (Scik Mouthy), Friday, 17 July 2015 06:24 (four years ago) link

Happy birthday Em. I was just thinking I hadn't seen her over at the other place for a while. If it's any consolation, our sleep has gone back into a bad pattern after having a really good thing going for a couple of months. Hoping we find that groove again.

kinder, Friday, 17 July 2015 08:33 (four years ago) link

my newly 9-year-old daughter (today's her birthday) has asked if she can have her own email account. i'm thinking she's too young, even for google's family link account, but it would make things more convenient since right now emails from her friends come to me or my wife. thoughts?

na (NA), Monday, 22 July 2019 20:22 (six months ago) link

Happy 9th! That's coming up quickly for us as well.

Email? Sure, but monitor, monitor, monitor, imo. Have rules in place about transparency. How much internet access does she currently have? All I really want to say about that is I've learned lessons this year after having been laisez-faire about my older kid's internet access.

☮ (peace, man), Monday, 22 July 2019 20:40 (six months ago) link

one month passes...

My first child is due in, er, 16 days. What's an emoji that combines anxiety, joy and terror? Perhaps it's just my normal face

Chuck_Tatum, Sunday, 25 August 2019 14:11 (five months ago) link

That's so exciting Chuck! All three emotions are entirely appropriate.

☮ (peace, man), Sunday, 25 August 2019 14:33 (five months ago) link

lol my niece (11) just remembered she can now text me (since last weekend)

so far it is a blizzard of near-miss spelling and emojis arriving as question marks in squares

mark s, Sunday, 25 August 2019 15:17 (five months ago) link

yeah but how’s her texting tho

lowkey goatsed on the styx (bizarro gazzara), Sunday, 25 August 2019 15:35 (five months ago) link

My 4yo told me yesterday he didn't think Father Christmas was real! I asked him who he thought put presents in his stocking and he said 'you'.
So he's had literally one Christmas where he's been old enough to 'know' what's going on and possibly believe in Father Christmas.

Incidentally he'd started school the day before, but doubt he'd have talked much about Christmas and definitely not with any older kids.
I waffled a bit but didn't confirm either way. We were talking about angels and whether they were real. He doesn't care about angels but really seems to want fairies to be real.

kinder, Saturday, 7 September 2019 19:28 (four months ago) link

(xp) lol my friend has twins who are 6. they both have ipads (she said don't judge her). she imessaged them saying "go to bed." the girl then imessaged the boy something like "mommy said go to bed. if you don't you are in trouble and i will tell so just do it or you're in trouble like serious trouble!" she sent me and someone else on a group text screenshots of this and we were all like "how does she write so well on an ipad, and so fast?" then simultaneously realized she had figured out how to talk into it.

forensic plumber (harbl), Saturday, 7 September 2019 20:10 (four months ago) link

xp if my 3 1/2 year old figures out pa xmas is fake in the next year or two i will be delighted. i'm certainly not going to be pushing it as a thing, though my wife my be more ambivalent.

The Pingularity (ledge), Wednesday, 11 September 2019 08:15 (four months ago) link

parental santa lies did trump *and* brexit

mark s, Wednesday, 11 September 2019 11:05 (four months ago) link

We had a daughter! It’s been a long week. Our water birth plan turned into an induction plan which turned into a last-minute emergency C-section. That took two days. Then we spent two days staying in a busy maternity ward like something from MASH, which was actually a riot. Then we went home! Then we went back to the hospital! And spent two days in an austere ward for a terrible-seeming health issue that turned out to be quite fixable. Then we went home again today! Fingers crossed this stage lasts a lot longer.

Anyway our daughter is a fucking joy and have 87 frozen family-cooked frozen meals to eat <333

Chuck_Tatum, Sunday, 15 September 2019 22:13 (four months ago) link


El Tomboto, Sunday, 15 September 2019 22:23 (four months ago) link

yay!! congratulations!

Squeaky Fromage (VegemiteGrrl), Sunday, 15 September 2019 22:44 (four months ago) link

Well done!

Tsar Bombadil (James Morrison), Monday, 16 September 2019 00:16 (four months ago) link

Hurrah, congratulations on making it through all that with so much joy! And bon appetit...

Madchen, Monday, 16 September 2019 08:56 (four months ago) link

huge congrats chuck!

don’t bore us, get to the aeon of horus (bizarro gazzara), Monday, 16 September 2019 08:58 (four months ago) link

Congratulations! I wish all the love and luck to you and your family.

☮ (peace, man), Monday, 16 September 2019 12:56 (four months ago) link

Maternity wards SUCK ime, glad you're home

kinder, Monday, 16 September 2019 13:52 (four months ago) link

Congratulations Chuck!

Le Bateau Ivre, Monday, 16 September 2019 13:53 (four months ago) link


DJI, Monday, 16 September 2019 16:27 (four months ago) link

Congrats Chuck! Sounds very similar to the birth of my daughter, except she finally came out as my wife was on the operating table about to have the emergency C-section.

Lots of fun times ahead but be sure to enjoy every moment as my daughter started secondary school this month and I have absolutely no idea where the time went.

groovypanda, Tuesday, 17 September 2019 07:16 (four months ago) link

Not sure where to put this really, but need to put it somewhere. Since my daughter was born 6 1/2 years ago I have pretty much been one step away from tears the whole time. Everything is both amazing and terrifying and she's so small and vulnerable and I don't know what I'm saying really but it's quite exhausting.

Tsar Bombadil (James Morrison), Wednesday, 18 September 2019 02:52 (four months ago) link

Oh man, I'm with you.

☮ (peace, man), Wednesday, 18 September 2019 11:58 (four months ago) link

The joys of parenting!

Tsar Bombadil (James Morrison), Wednesday, 18 September 2019 23:50 (four months ago) link

It’s only been a week but totally cosign that

Sometimes when she farts on my lap, I end up laughing so much I have to put her down to stop from shaking her :)

Chuck_Tatum, Thursday, 19 September 2019 17:18 (four months ago) link

one month passes...

I haven't checked in here in awhile. Got an update to this post from four years ago: ILX Parenting 6: "Put Some Goddamn Pants On Before You Go Outside!" is a thing I say now

the other night he's messing around with an old PSP handheld game, looking through the camera just before bed. "See, Dad, look at this," and he hands me the console. We've got just the one lamp on, so there isn't much to see, especially on that low-res display.

"What, what do you want me to see?" I ask.

"You see all that dark stuff coming out of the walls? THAT'S the stuff that comes to me in my nightmares."

And he's talking about the lousy artifacts you get on a bad camera.

That five-year-old is now a 10-year-old who heard all about freakin' LSD at Red Ribbon Week. Trying to tell me it's like watching a movie that's real, characters coming up to you who aren't really there...

I tell him that "I hear" it's not like that at all. Stuff gets a little wavy, colors get a little vibrant, but Mickey Mouse doesn't knock on your door or anything. Then I remember that PSP game. "Remember what that camera looked like? How you saw stuff in the walls that wasn't there? LSD is more like that than it is 'Alice in Wonderland'."

He thinks for a moment, and then says, "Maybe all our brains are trying to 'see' something that's not there, and that's why life looks like that crappy camera sometimes."

I swear, he's *this* close to figuring it out. Lord knows I haven't yet.

pplains, Wednesday, 23 October 2019 01:26 (three months ago) link

Wtf is red ribbon week

Οὖτις, Wednesday, 23 October 2019 02:10 (three months ago) link

I thought it was a USA thing?

Though that's the first time I've heard its origins from a tortured DEA agent.

pplains, Wednesday, 23 October 2019 02:47 (three months ago) link

The red ribbon became their symbol for prevention in order to reduce the demand of illegal drugs. California Congressman Duncan Hunter and teacher David Dhillon launched "Camarena Clubs" in California high schools.

This caught my eye but it's not that Duncan Hunter. (It's his dad!)

tokyo rosemary, Wednesday, 23 October 2019 04:30 (three months ago) link

That's uncomfortably close to Macarena

solos that go widdly widdly widdly (Ye Mad Puffin), Wednesday, 23 October 2019 07:19 (three months ago) link

Red Ribbon Week sounds like some bullshit. Do they still have D.A.R.E. too?

Οὖτις, Wednesday, 23 October 2019 15:29 (three months ago) link

I posted this on Facebook a while back so sorry for those who have seen it twice.

Me, trying to tell Henry about Snoop Dogg’s (his fave artist and birthday-sake) cover of Nick Cave’s Red Right Hand while his big sister is in earshot:

Henry: Who is Nick Cave?
Me: He’s an Australian singer. He was in a band called The Boys Next Door...
Beatrice: That’s a bad name for a band.
Me:...and then a band called The Birthday Party...
Beatrice: Stupid name! he’s in a band called The Bad Seeds...
Beatrice: Awful!!
Me: ...and Snoop Dogg covered one of his songs.
Beatrice: DISGUSTING!!!!!!
Me: 😡😡😡😡😡😡😡

Right column Leftist (sunny successor), Wednesday, 23 October 2019 17:29 (three months ago) link

Wait till she hears about 'Grinderman'!

Le Bateau Ivre, Wednesday, 23 October 2019 17:36 (three months ago) link

I tell him that "I hear" it's not like that at all


there was this kids video we'd watch that had this weird glitch where for like, 3-4 seconds all you'd see are the wireframes of the characters, it's like the people who made it forgot to watch it before uploading (it's racked up 100 million views since, LOL). my boy (who is almost 5) gets very unsettled by this now.

frogbs, Wednesday, 23 October 2019 17:44 (three months ago) link

Loving Henry's running commentary there, beautiful!

Tsar Bombadil (James Morrison), Thursday, 24 October 2019 00:03 (three months ago) link

Tell him he has an album called 'Henry's Dream' and a song called 'Henry Lee'

Tsar Bombadil (James Morrison), Thursday, 24 October 2019 00:03 (three months ago) link

Fuck, misread it was Beatrice, I shall go boil my head

Tsar Bombadil (James Morrison), Thursday, 24 October 2019 00:04 (three months ago) link

He's right tho Birthday Party is a stupid name for a band =D

Stoop Crone (Trayce), Thursday, 24 October 2019 00:05 (three months ago) link


is not

i will fite u beeps

Squeaky Fromage (VegemiteGrrl), Thursday, 24 October 2019 04:17 (three months ago) link

one month passes...

My boss is huge asshole, so I've just quit my job to be a stay-at-home dad for a few months. My daughter is only three months old. I am pretty confident this is a good decision, I think! We can afford a few months, anyway.

Chuck_Tatum, Friday, 29 November 2019 12:30 (two months ago) link

Yasss! Do it. ❤️

nathom, Friday, 29 November 2019 14:38 (two months ago) link

Go on son

Li'l Brexit (Tracer Hand), Friday, 29 November 2019 14:42 (two months ago) link

I'm enjoying being a stay-at-home parent more than I want to admit! Maybe not today, the day of screeching, though.

kinder, Friday, 29 November 2019 16:34 (two months ago) link

I am in Jerusalem and wow are there a lot of little kids here

L'assie (Euler), Friday, 29 November 2019 19:39 (two months ago) link

four weeks pass...

My kid lost a tooth the night before Xmas. We told her that she could write a letter to the tooth fairy after Xmas, so that Santa didnt run into her. I have no idea if she still believes or not, but if not she's holding her cards close to her chest. I put the tooth inside a ziploc bag and then shoved that into a coffee cup, because I'm some kind of idiot.

So Xmas comes and goes and last night I'm sitting around watching TV and suddenly remember the tooth! We had cleaned house three times in the last three days and the cup was no longer where I left it. I was watching the kiddo because my wife was at work, so I told her I had to go outside and look for something I accidentally threw away in the trash. "What is it?" she asked. I said I'd tell her if I found it.

With a flashlight in one hand, I dug through 2 bags of trash, including old meat, cat food, and snotty Kleenex. I found three empty Ziplocs, which led me to worry that the bag opened at some point and dislodged its contents to be mixed in with all the worst granular detritus. There was one bag left but I had been out in the driveway long enough so I rebagged all the trash and went back inside.

As soon as the sun came up this morning, and as my wife and kid slept, I went back outside. The plan was to tackle the third bag and then recheck the first two bags in the sunlight. I got almost all the way though the third bag. All that was left was a big pile of cat litter. I almost gave up hope but decided to give the litter a sift (with my gloved hand). I pulled up a ziploc bag! Looking closer, it contained my daughter's tooth! And it had remained sealed despite all it had been though.

Brought it inside, removed it from the ziploc, gave it a quick wash under the tap just in case, and placed it in a new ziploc which I tacked to the bulletin board. Pretty sure I'm not going to tell either of them about it so I'm just documenting it here.

☮️ (peace, man), Saturday, 28 December 2019 15:38 (one month ago) link

the last time i played tooth fairy i forgot to do it, so tried to make the switch in the morning, my son woke up while my hand was under the pillow. he gave me a look of disgust, closed his eyes and mumbled "dad you're trash"

Li'l Brexit (Tracer Hand), Saturday, 28 December 2019 15:43 (one month ago) link


DJI, Saturday, 28 December 2019 15:50 (one month ago) link

Also, amazing saga, peace!

DJI, Saturday, 28 December 2019 15:51 (one month ago) link

lol tracer

terminators of endearment (VegemiteGrrl), Saturday, 28 December 2019 18:18 (one month ago) link

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