Kids say the darndest things

Some time ago I made some reference to going to work and "bringing home the bacon".

Now opal constantly pretends to go to work. She picks up some kind of bag, really any bag, and says "I have to go to work. Have to bring home the bacon" and she walks to the front door, waits 10 seconds then comes back and says "I back, I bring home the bacon".

This morning she said "I bring home the chicken". Guess she wasn't in the mood for bacon.

omg thats too cute

aw.

wife is away today, just me and Opal. At lunch we're finishing these peanut butter and jelly roll-ups from the fridge. Opals "goes oh there's jelly too" and I say "it's PB & J" and she says "what's PB &J" and I say "that means Peanut Butter and Jelly, instead of saying Peanut Butter and Jelly, you can say PB & J"

Fast-forward a few hours, I need to go to the bathroom and Opal insists on joining. She really doesn't like being left alone that much especially if we go to the bathroom. We're going to be potty training soon so we figure it's educational anyway. She comes in and sits down and says "what're you doing?" and I say "I'm going to the bathroom" and she says "pee-pee"

and then she yells out "Pee-Pee and J!"

Sorry if that's TMI but Pee-Pee and J is one for the books I figured.

Our 3yo apparently memorises the books we read her and likes to correct us when we take even minor liberties - "She gave it her coat to keep warm" "No to STAY warm!" - so I was reading "Peace at Last", about a bear who can't sleep:

Me: "The hour was late"
Her: "No the OWL was late!"

I started to explain then saw there was an owl in the picture and thought fuck it :)

Opal does that too but usually when I make changes on purpose to add her name.

We’re potty training and we’re trying to get her to drink plenty of water and the other day said “drink up it’s hot out and you have to stay hydrated” and she said “like a bear?”

I.e. hibernating.

I took our 4yo to a Marvel Comics exhibit and there was some stuff there about Captain America fighting Nazis. My son started asking lots of questions about Nazis, like, "Does Hitler hit people?" Then we sat down to eat in the dining area and he yells out, "DONALD TRUMP IS A NAZI!"

yr kid otm

Opal's favorite thing is whenever I say something like "Mommy will be home in no time" or "your snack will be ready in no time" she says "my snack will be ready in YES time"

My dad used to say "no way José" (except he said it "ho zay") and I would say "yes way José". At least one time I asked for a coke and he said "no way José" and I said "yes way Coke way". Kids are linguistic innovators.

my mother in law used to said that "no way José" was cussing & so my wife couldn't say it when she was a kid. moms say the darnedest things.

6yo daughter picks up her mum's cup of tea. "Mmm, tea. So flavourless, so refreshing!"

otm

Hahaa!

after getting a bit wet while walking near the ocean:

"I've got ocean all over me!"

after getting a bit wet while walking near the ocean:

"I've got ocean all over me!"

we took Opal to the beach a few years ago. She wasn't into going in the water but we got her close to the edge, then as the wave came up she ran back up the beach, laughing and yelling "it's following me!"

both cute and slightly horror-movie-ish

speaking of

"hunger games? isn't that pretty scary?"

"oh it's a 12, daddy it's fine"

"but you're 10. and Paul's 7"

"it's ok. i like killing."

The life cycle of a human, according to my five-year-old:

1. Baby
2. Kid
3 .Adult
4 .R.I.P.
5. Zombie
6. Ghost
7. Ultraplasm
8. Space Ranger

agree

When he was three:

[listening to Beethoven's violin concerto]

Kid: "Who is singing this?"
Me: "This isn't a singer's voice, it's a violin"
Kid: "I thought it was a dolphin"

I just learned that Opal said she had basil eyes like momma. She has brown eyes like me. Nicole has hazel eyes. Nicole tried to correct her but she screamed “no I have basil eyes”

🎶she’s got basil fawlty eyes 🎶

“Put your slippers on”
“Where is them?”

me to 4yo after what appeared to be a nice playdate with Ollie: did you have fun playing with Ollie?
4yo: yes. I never want to see him again.

ha!

haha

Various ways our daughter demands more (ages 2-3):

Me: Not too much
Her: Too much!

Me: Just a little bit
Her: A big bit!

Me: Two minutes
Her: No, all the minutes!

Me: Five minutes
Her: No, two minutes!

"all the minutes" - classic

the last one is common at our house too
"i'll tell you another story if you can wait quietly for five minutes"
"i don't want to wait five minutes! how about ... four minutes?"

oh wait i screwed that up

she'll suggest a number that's actually bigger than five, making the wait longer for her

well now we know where she gets her counting skills from

We get stuff like that. Opal was just sitting in a duck ride. The kind on a sidewalk. It wasn’t moving. We said let’s go to the playground and she said something like “I’ll stay here for just a little more hours”.

Last night Opal overheard me talking about uber and shouted out "a goober is a chocolate covered peanut!"

Tonight as I was trying to floss her teeth she ran out of the bathroom and jumped on the couch w/ mommy, turned around and said "floss my tushy".

“Papa. Which to you like better. Coffee. Or working?”

Explaining the Voyager golden record to 6yo.
HER: But they should have sent food for the aliens!
ME: I don't think the food would last for millions of years.
HER; Cheese! Cheese lasts a LONG time.

Re. pre-schoolers at music festivals: Nora had more than one awful pre-schooler tantrum, including an immense one at half past midnight at the festival toilets which culminated in her yelling at me “it’s my body! It’s my decision! Don’t touch me!” when I was trying to get her onesie off and get her to have the wee that she’d requested I take her for. Yes, there were other people present. No, no one said anything. Yes, some people looked sympathetic, albeit in that ‘stupid fucker kept a 4-year-old up after midnight’ way.

she's right tbh

Oh absolutely.

Ella has learned from us the "not naming any names, but SOMEBODY [broke/lost/forgot whatever]" phrase, and now SOMEBODY is responsible for a hell of a lot of bad shit in our house.

"I'm a vegetarian except for McDonald's"

Ha, my 7yo daughter recently announced that she's a vegetarian but will still eat a chicken leg because "a chicken could still live if it lost a leg"

i mean she’s not wrong tbf

true! Snapshot of morality development in vivo

Chicken fingers are okay too, because chickens don't need fingers at all.

Chickens have zero use for their nuggets iirc.

“Hey dad. What’s your favorite color of the alphabet?”

Hmm

“The answer is square!”

That’s good. I’m going to use that in job interviews

“No dad, post it to ILX!”

Meta-kids!