Kids say the darndest things

"I'm going to kill you daddy, then I'm going to kill the bathtub and kill the towel and kill the potty and kill the toothpaste"

jfc calm down kid it's just a bath

Has he been reading bill o'reilly?

Or a bootleg of The End.

HB - Think I'm going to be a wrestler when I grow up.

ME - Oh yeah? What's going to be your signature move?

[Thinks]

HB - Punching people in the nuts.

kid's gonna go places

I mean, I was never that big of a wrestling fan anyway, but I'm pretty sure that move's illegal.

illegal, but hilarious

important code deciphered: "it's a baby" is apparently 18-month old speak for "i've done a poo". (i think this is due to pee/poo functional confusion & pee-pee/bay-bee vocal confusion.)

important code deciphered: "it's a baby" is apparently 18-month old speak for "i've done a poo". (i think this is due to pee/poo functional confusion & pee-pee/bay-bee vocal confusion.)

I think he's trying to tell you he dropped the kids off at the pool

Food baby amirite

I think he's trying to tell you he dropped the kids off at the pool

given that she shat in the bath three times that week that is probably exactly right.

Me to 4yo daughter: ... And so you're made of the dust of old stars.
Her: That explains the black stuff I get behind my ears.

:D

LOL

“My poop is an otter because it’s brown and swimming in the water”

aw

"The night is all the shadows squished together."

emotionally and scientifically true

^^^

thats really awesome!

My five year old, while listening to the new Brand New album:
"Why are they singing so much? It's driving me nuts!"

Your 5 yo OTM

"The night is all the shadows squished together."

― how's life, Thursday, September 28, 2017 6:19 PM (five days ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I love this

"i want to be a journalist. or a ballet man"

faster than a speeding pirouette, stronger than a cabriole, look! up in the sky, it’s a plie, it’s a barre, it’s BALLET MAN

Me: What do you want to listen to in the car?

2 Year Old: I want rock and roll. I want faster music. I want louder music. I want a man singing. Not a lady.

K: Dad what's history?
Me: Well, it's learning about things that happened in the past.
K: Oh, kind of like, you know how there's chocolate at the bottom of king cone and the ice cream doesn't drip out? Grandma told me they didn't have that when she was a kid.

excellent

> how there's chocolate at the bottom of king cone and the ice cream doesn't drip out?

y'know, i've never realised before now that this is EXACTLY WHY there's chocolate in the bottom of a king cone.

President Keyes, your 2yo > my 5yo :(

K: (jealous that E got new clothes, even though K just got new clothes a week ago): Why don't you care about me?!

Me: Caring is not about buying stuff.

K: Yeah it is. I looked it up.

it is, she’s right

"i'm playing squeezy daddy!"

*hugs me super hard*

"I WIN!!!!"

no, i win you little monster

same person

"what's faster, a cup or a carrot?"

this same 6-y-o person was hanging out w me today. sterolab was on. "daddy do you have a jimi hendrix record." why yes my son. i do have a jimi hendrix record. he proceeds to get his mind TORE UP. doing widdly air-guitar and grimacing, stuff i never do. he insists on voodoo child slight return again and again and again. he calls it "voodoo chop".

"daddy people need to know about jimi hendrix."

otm

cosign

"know what a ghost does to get rich?"

"what?"

"have money."

this same 6-y-o person was hanging out w me today. sterolab was on. "daddy do you have a jimi hendrix record." why yes my son. i do have a jimi hendrix record. he proceeds to get his mind TORE UP. doing widdly air-guitar and grimacing, stuff i never do. he insists on voodoo child slight return again and again and again. he calls it "voodoo chop".

"daddy people need to know about jimi hendrix."

― illegal economic migration (Tracer Hand), Saturday, October 14, 2017 2:20 PM (two hours ago) Bookmark

This is the best thing ever.

Yes, that's awesome. Especially that final line.

mind totally blown. i have never seen somebody that into jimi hendrix (and buddy, i've seen a hendrix fan or two). whole body just enraptured with the sound of it, i could see him trying so hard to put his love for it into words.

that is amazing considering that at my house it's been "all star" and the sia song from the my little pony movie on repeat for the entire weekend

"know what a ghost does to get rich?"

"what?"

"have money."

― pplains, Saturday, October 14, 2017 4:52 PM (two days ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

this rules

Just out of the shower and about to put some hair goop on when the 3yo pokes his head in the door. He likes to get a dab too and we style our hair together.

Him: "You going to do your scrotum next?"
Me: "What?!?"
"You do your scrotum now?"
"What do you mean?"
"The one that goes here." (indicates his armpit)
"Oh, you mean my DEODORANT?"
"Yeah that's what I'm talking about."

Which reminded me of this exchange from about six months ago: he comes walking through the kitchen with no pants on, hand stuck in one the leg holes of his underwear.
Me: "Stop touching your penis."
Him: "I not touching me penis. I touching my scrotum. Why didn't you notice that?"

I love Kid Lawyering.

that is amazing considering that at my house it's been "all star" and the sia song from the my little pony movie on repeat for the entire weekend

― na (NA), Monday, October 16, 2017 10:29 AM (forty-seven minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Have you seen the new movie? We just learned about it this weekend.

lol til now the hendrix fan has been mainly into Flo Rida, Fallout Boy and Bruno Mars

my son was screaming this morning because "Neat Neat Neat" by the Damned didn't start playing the moment I started the car

yes i took my kids to the movie on saturday (first movie in the theater for the younger one). it's literally just a longer episode of the tv show, the production values are pretty much exactly the same.

couple days ago we're laying in bed watching some TV, it's almost the boy's bedtime (he's nearly 3) and it looks like he's passed out already. I say to the wife, "should we put him in his crib?", then suddenly the boy lifts his head up, says "NO!!" and immediately passes out again