Kids say the darndest things

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Me [winding up some long story about my teenage antics]: ...yeah, that wasn't a good story.
J: Yeah dad, you're not cool.
Me: I was probably never cool, now that I think about it.
J: You lose.
Me: No, I won.
J: Won what?
Me: Best kids.
J: For participation!

how's life, Tuesday, 29 December 2015 00:08 (eight years ago) link

After having received two LEGO star wars sets for Christmas and somebody else pointing out how many different LEGO sets there are:

It's too bad we have to die. We don't live long enough to get all the LEGO star wars as presents.

silverfish, Tuesday, 29 December 2015 13:56 (eight years ago) link

Whoa!

how's life, Tuesday, 29 December 2015 16:01 (eight years ago) link

We discovered the last bit of Halloween candy while cleaning my daughter's room. I open a bag of Skittles and offer her some.

"What are those?"
"They're Skittles. They're fruit flavored."
"Oh, I thought they were S&M's."

how's life, Monday, 4 January 2016 12:05 (eight years ago) link

Hahaha

on entre O.K. on sort K.O. (man alive), Monday, 4 January 2016 16:26 (eight years ago) link

"I call cats' teeth 'hookers'!"

how's life, Sunday, 17 January 2016 12:05 (eight years ago) link

Also, she has developed an obsession in the last few weeks of mining my bellybutton for lint. When she strikes gold, she takes my bellybutton lint and sticks it in her own bellybutton. When asked for an explanation: "We're lint-buddies!"

how's life, Sunday, 17 January 2016 12:08 (eight years ago) link

Ha!

like Uber, but for underpants (James Morrison), Sunday, 17 January 2016 21:49 (eight years ago) link

"Daddy, you're as cosy as a slug!"

like Uber, but for underpants (James Morrison), Sunday, 17 January 2016 21:50 (eight years ago) link

My son describing a mysterious odor in his kindergarten playground:

"It smelled like a skunk eating an old hamburger."

early rejecter, Thursday, 21 January 2016 17:02 (eight years ago) link

That is an excellent description.

Last night, when my wife got up from the dinner table to get something, Ella said in alarmed tones, "Oh no! Mummy's on the loose again!"

like Uber, but for underpants (James Morrison), Thursday, 21 January 2016 23:44 (eight years ago) link

We were playing Say Anything and the question was "what would be the worst facebook post"

Ben wrote down "sex."

Owen: Yeah, because only a pervert would like that. And they'd be like "Finally!"

schwantz, Friday, 22 January 2016 04:40 (eight years ago) link

K (~4) looks sad and angry, is acting out at the breakfast table

Me: K, do you need a hug?
K: ...there is something in my heart that makes me say yes to hug you

on entre O.K. on sort K.O. (man alive), Wednesday, 27 January 2016 04:27 (eight years ago) link

awwwww

like Uber, but for underpants (James Morrison), Wednesday, 27 January 2016 04:56 (eight years ago) link

i had played King Kunta by Kendrick Lamar a couple of times recently around my four year old and i'm cool with it because he doesn't really repeat profanity (yet!) but the song starts out with Kendrick saying "I got a bone to pick!!", which is a great opening line.

anyway last night my wife was going to read him a book and i was heading out, so i said goodnight and gave him a kiss and vice versa, then i gave my wife a kiss and he sneaked in and kissed me on the cheek and said "I GOT A BONUS KISS!" just as if Kendrick was saying it.

and now i can't stop hearing that in my head.

nomar, Thursday, 4 February 2016 20:12 (eight years ago) link

Judah has started interjecting "goddammit" into his imaginative play so um, parenting fail?

Οὖτις, Thursday, 4 February 2016 20:14 (eight years ago) link

parenting win, ime.

how's life, Thursday, 4 February 2016 20:19 (eight years ago) link

My youngest knows not only how to cuss, but also knows enough to call me out for cussing in public.

how's life, Thursday, 4 February 2016 20:20 (eight years ago) link

"Don't say 'shit'. Shit's a bad word. You could hurt someone's feelings."

how's life, Thursday, 4 February 2016 20:20 (eight years ago) link

Still waiting for my kids to figure out the real words to "Forget You." Biggest betrayal of their generation IMO.

schwantz, Thursday, 4 February 2016 20:46 (eight years ago) link

nomar that is the best

everyone at home, including the <10, cusses a lot, but not in English despite that being our mother tongue, so it's even more hilarious. if a French person were overhearing our house they'd think we were the scum of the earth (which...) but cussing in your 2nd or 3rd language just doesn't have the sting that it does in yr first time

droit au butt (Euler), Friday, 5 February 2016 09:58 (eight years ago) link

I don't have any kids to say the darndest things, but my mom just dug up something I wrote as a child (no idea how old):

As we wish
we were young,
And wait for
our own futcher,
they do'nt go
together, because
futcher brings
old.

mom tossed in kimchee (quincie), Saturday, 6 February 2016 01:42 (eight years ago) link

Truer words were never spoken

like Uber, but for underpants (James Morrison), Saturday, 6 February 2016 10:49 (eight years ago) link

my sister: 'justine!"
my almost-two year old niece: 'purple!'
sister: 'no, justine!'
niece: 'PURPLE!!'

repeat ad infinitum

just1n3, Friday, 12 February 2016 01:50 (eight years ago) link

i had played King Kunta by Kendrick Lamar a couple of times recently around my four year old and i'm cool with it because he doesn't really repeat profanity (yet!) but the song starts out with Kendrick saying "I got a bone to pick!!", which is a great opening line.

anyway last night my wife was going to read him a book and i was heading out, so i said goodnight and gave him a kiss and vice versa, then i gave my wife a kiss and he sneaked in and kissed me on the cheek and said "I GOT A BONUS KISS!" just as if Kendrick was saying it.

and now i can't stop hearing that in my head.

― nomar, Thursday, February 4, 2016 3:12 PM (1 week ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

haha, I'm going to start using this

on entre O.K. on sort K.O. (man alive), Friday, 12 February 2016 02:24 (eight years ago) link

Owen: I'm hungry. I need some exquisite mouth-feel.

schwantz, Friday, 12 February 2016 03:34 (eight years ago) link

H: You're losing.

B: You don't know what you're doing.

H: You're a "little."

B: You're a scaredy-cat.

H: You're ... A CUSS WORD.

B: Ooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh, I'm telling!

pplains, Sunday, 14 February 2016 18:02 (eight years ago) link

Me: This Playdoh is hard to get out of the mold.
Ella: [Deep sigh] It's the hardest thing a mother has to do.

like Uber, but for underpants (James Morrison), Sunday, 14 February 2016 22:09 (eight years ago) link

K: Wouldn't it be great to have another dad?
Me: Uh, what kind of dad?
K: A Japanese dad!

on entre O.K. on sort K.O. (man alive), Monday, 15 February 2016 00:49 (eight years ago) link

(Beeps and Henry making their toy dinosaurs talk. Beeps won the two plush dolls from a crane machine at PlayTime Pizza.)

H: Well, let's talk about how we got out of the vending machine.

B: The what?

H: Let's talk about how we escaped from the vending machine last weekend.

B: Vending machine? We escaped from a crane game. We are not CHIPS.

pplains, Thursday, 18 February 2016 14:35 (eight years ago) link

The way she said it was right up there with the guy from "Treasure of the Sierra Madre".

pplains, Thursday, 18 February 2016 14:36 (eight years ago) link

lol

how's life, Thursday, 18 February 2016 14:48 (eight years ago) link

Henry likes to ponder life while on the toilet and while he's pondering life he often insists I'm there to hear about it.
H: Do you know I cry when I have my hair washed?
Me: Yes, I do know that.
H: Well, that's the bad news. Do you want to know the good news?
Me: Sure
H: I'M RICH!!!!

“I hate my wife. She doesn’t even have a dick” (sunny successor), Thursday, 18 February 2016 15:29 (eight years ago) link

I consistently tell everyone that he's going to be a millionaire by the time he's 30.

Now whether or not that happens through honest work or by robbing a bank, I don't know.

pplains, Thursday, 18 February 2016 15:58 (eight years ago) link

H: Do you know I cry when I have my hair washed?
Me: Yes, I do know that.
H: Well, that's the bad news. Do you want to know the good news?
Me: Sure
H: I'M RICH!!!!

^^^^^^^^actual lols

jason waterfalls (gbx), Thursday, 18 February 2016 16:56 (eight years ago) link

:))

schwantz, Thursday, 18 February 2016 17:49 (eight years ago) link

Ha when I was a wee tacker I used to boast that I was going to be rich... when asked how, I'd say "I'll marry a rich man, DUH".

Interesting. No, wait, the other thing: tedious. (Trayce), Thursday, 18 February 2016 22:47 (eight years ago) link

That I'M RICH bit is brilliant

Beeps won the two plush dolls from a crane machine at PlayTime Pizza

This is the biggset puzzler here--this must be the first time in history anyone's got anything out of one of those rigged motherfuckers

like Uber, but for underpants (James Morrison), Friday, 19 February 2016 01:26 (eight years ago) link

I have spent her entire life telling her that those things are a rip, and she grabs two on three tries when I'm not around.

pplains, Friday, 19 February 2016 01:30 (eight years ago) link

three weeks pass...

We have a little Chewbacca furry that makes the Chewbacca sound, and tonight E (9 months) reached for it and said "RRRrrrrrr!"

on entre O.K. on sort K.O. (man alive), Tuesday, 15 March 2016 02:35 (eight years ago) link

You could probably raise E to make just chewbacca noises. I'm not saying you should, it's kind of a moral grey area.

inside, skeletons are always inside, that's obvious. (dowd), Tuesday, 15 March 2016 07:39 (eight years ago) link

Me: what's happening in Lego town over here
V: I've been adding this building, it's the office for the newspaper.
Me: Oh yeah? what newspaper?
V: (thinks for a second) the Daily Brick!

Οὖτις, Monday, 21 March 2016 17:20 (eight years ago) link

My kids got sick last week with more terrible viruses; this time only one of them ended up in the hospital and it was only for an overnight observational stay. It completely consumed our weekend and last night, due to dehydration, he was VERY gassy/constipated and spent most of the evening complaining until he let out a massive fart at 3:30 AM, stopped screaming and fell asleep.

Apparently he's pooped a million times today. Better that than screaming like he's being murdered or coughing up both lungs, though.

i like to trump and i am crazy (DJP), Monday, 21 March 2016 19:08 (eight years ago) link

Kid's been saying "car" for a while now but hasn't been able to say "truck". Now it's sort of morphing and has turned into the word "cock", which is awesome as he's watching videos of monster trucks on fire and yelling HOT COCK HOT COCK.

joygoat, Tuesday, 22 March 2016 15:42 (eight years ago) link

My little brother as a kid pronounced the "tr" sound as "fw" which obviously lead to me and my teenaged friends goading him into saying truck you, etc.

pplains, Tuesday, 22 March 2016 15:50 (eight years ago) link

My kids got sick last week with more terrible viruses; this time only one of them ended up in the hospital and it was only for an overnight observational stay. It completely consumed our weekend and last night, due to dehydration, he was VERY gassy/constipated and spent most of the evening complaining until he let out a massive fart at 3:30 AM, stopped screaming and fell asleep.

Apparently he's pooped a million times today. Better that than screaming like he's being murdered or coughing up both lungs, though.

― i like to trump and i am crazy (DJP), Monday, March 21, 2016 2:08 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

PP what was that magical stuff we use to use called?

“I hate my wife. She doesn’t even have a dick” (sunny successor), Tuesday, 22 March 2016 21:13 (eight years ago) link

Henry, on the toilet, with me as his deep thoughts audience once again:
H: 'Did you know that saladbread is poisonous?'
Me: 'Really?'
H: 'Yes! I ate it once'
Me: 'I don't remember you being sick from eating saladbread'
H: 'Oh, well, if you drink a special potion after you eat it you don't get sick.'
Me. 'Ah. Where did you get saladbread? I've never heard of it'
H: 'There is a Saladbread planet! I went there with four astronauts and we ate it.'
Me: 'Wow. I hope you gave the astronauts some of your potion'
H: 'No! Hahahaha'
H: 'You know what else is poisonous?'
Me: 'Nope'
H: (in a loud conspiratorial whisper)'CHICKEN BODIES'
Me 'Chicken bodies!! Do they come from a chicken body planet'
H: 'No! They're from Earth!'
Me: 'oh.'

Like, DUH

“I hate my wife. She doesn’t even have a dick” (sunny successor), Tuesday, 22 March 2016 21:26 (eight years ago) link

Pretty surreal!

schwantz, Tuesday, 22 March 2016 21:36 (eight years ago) link

PP what was that magical stuff we use to use called?

http://i.imgur.com/3Lbyz7i.jpg

Daddies can share in the bliss too.

pplains, Tuesday, 22 March 2016 22:11 (eight years ago) link

the next time my son asks what's in my cocktail I'm going to say "gripe water"

Οὖτις, Tuesday, 22 March 2016 22:12 (eight years ago) link


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