Kids say the darndest things

Judah: I have a penis!
Me: yup.
Judah: daddy have a penis?
Me: yup
Judah: daddy have a big penis?
Me: ...

Whoa, that's awkward.

A: (standing in the kitchen after her shower, completely naked, peeling a hard boiled egg)
Me: Get over here - you need some underwear and an undershirt. (tries to get underwear on the kid)
A: (aimless 5-year-old babbling about something completely unrelated)
Mrs Life: Honey you need to focus on your underwear.
A: What the fuckus? I need my eggus!

Apropos of nothing: "What do they say about naked babies playing the piano?"

Me [winding up some long story about my teenage antics]: ...yeah, that wasn't a good story.
J: Yeah dad, you're not cool.
Me: I was probably never cool, now that I think about it.
J: You lose.
Me: No, I won.
J: Won what?
Me: Best kids.
J: For participation!

After having received two LEGO star wars sets for Christmas and somebody else pointing out how many different LEGO sets there are:

It's too bad we have to die. We don't live long enough to get all the LEGO star wars as presents.

Whoa!

We discovered the last bit of Halloween candy while cleaning my daughter's room. I open a bag of Skittles and offer her some.

"What are those?"
"They're Skittles. They're fruit flavored."
"Oh, I thought they were S&M's."

Hahaha

"I call cats' teeth 'hookers'!"

Also, she has developed an obsession in the last few weeks of mining my bellybutton for lint. When she strikes gold, she takes my bellybutton lint and sticks it in her own bellybutton. When asked for an explanation: "We're lint-buddies!"

Ha!

"Daddy, you're as cosy as a slug!"

My son describing a mysterious odor in his kindergarten playground:

"It smelled like a skunk eating an old hamburger."

That is an excellent description.

Last night, when my wife got up from the dinner table to get something, Ella said in alarmed tones, "Oh no! Mummy's on the loose again!"

We were playing Say Anything and the question was "what would be the worst facebook post"

Ben wrote down "sex."

Owen: Yeah, because only a pervert would like that. And they'd be like "Finally!"

K (~4) looks sad and angry, is acting out at the breakfast table

Me: K, do you need a hug?
K: ...there is something in my heart that makes me say yes to hug you

awwwww

i had played King Kunta by Kendrick Lamar a couple of times recently around my four year old and i'm cool with it because he doesn't really repeat profanity (yet!) but the song starts out with Kendrick saying "I got a bone to pick!!", which is a great opening line.

anyway last night my wife was going to read him a book and i was heading out, so i said goodnight and gave him a kiss and vice versa, then i gave my wife a kiss and he sneaked in and kissed me on the cheek and said "I GOT A BONUS KISS!" just as if Kendrick was saying it.

and now i can't stop hearing that in my head.

Judah has started interjecting "goddammit" into his imaginative play so um, parenting fail?

parenting win, ime.

My youngest knows not only how to cuss, but also knows enough to call me out for cussing in public.

"Don't say 'shit'. Shit's a bad word. You could hurt someone's feelings."

Still waiting for my kids to figure out the real words to "Forget You." Biggest betrayal of their generation IMO.

nomar that is the best

everyone at home, including the <10, cusses a lot, but not in English despite that being our mother tongue, so it's even more hilarious. if a French person were overhearing our house they'd think we were the scum of the earth (which...) but cussing in your 2nd or 3rd language just doesn't have the sting that it does in yr first time

I don't have any kids to say the darndest things, but my mom just dug up something I wrote as a child (no idea how old):

As we wish
we were young,
And wait for
our own futcher,
they do'nt go
together, because
futcher brings
old.

Truer words were never spoken

my sister: 'justine!"
my almost-two year old niece: 'purple!'
sister: 'no, justine!'
niece: 'PURPLE!!'

repeat ad infinitum

i had played King Kunta by Kendrick Lamar a couple of times recently around my four year old and i'm cool with it because he doesn't really repeat profanity (yet!) but the song starts out with Kendrick saying "I got a bone to pick!!", which is a great opening line.

anyway last night my wife was going to read him a book and i was heading out, so i said goodnight and gave him a kiss and vice versa, then i gave my wife a kiss and he sneaked in and kissed me on the cheek and said "I GOT A BONUS KISS!" just as if Kendrick was saying it.

and now i can't stop hearing that in my head.

― nomar, Thursday, February 4, 2016 3:12 PM (1 week ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

haha, I'm going to start using this

Owen: I'm hungry. I need some exquisite mouth-feel.

H: You're losing.

B: You don't know what you're doing.

H: You're a "little."

B: You're a scaredy-cat.

H: You're ... A CUSS WORD.

B: Ooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh, I'm telling!

Me: This Playdoh is hard to get out of the mold.
Ella: [Deep sigh] It's the hardest thing a mother has to do.

K: Wouldn't it be great to have another dad?
Me: Uh, what kind of dad?
K: A Japanese dad!

(Beeps and Henry making their toy dinosaurs talk. Beeps won the two plush dolls from a crane machine at PlayTime Pizza.)

H: Well, let's talk about how we got out of the vending machine.

B: The what?

H: Let's talk about how we escaped from the vending machine last weekend.

B: Vending machine? We escaped from a crane game. We are not CHIPS.

The way she said it was right up there with the guy from "Treasure of the Sierra Madre".

lol

Henry likes to ponder life while on the toilet and while he's pondering life he often insists I'm there to hear about it.
H: Do you know I cry when I have my hair washed?
Me: Yes, I do know that.
H: Well, that's the bad news. Do you want to know the good news?
Me: Sure
H: I'M RICH!!!!

I consistently tell everyone that he's going to be a millionaire by the time he's 30.

Now whether or not that happens through honest work or by robbing a bank, I don't know.

H: Do you know I cry when I have my hair washed?
Me: Yes, I do know that.
H: Well, that's the bad news. Do you want to know the good news?
Me: Sure
H: I'M RICH!!!!

^^^^^^^^actual lols

:))

Ha when I was a wee tacker I used to boast that I was going to be rich... when asked how, I'd say "I'll marry a rich man, DUH".

That I'M RICH bit is brilliant

Beeps won the two plush dolls from a crane machine at PlayTime Pizza

This is the biggset puzzler here--this must be the first time in history anyone's got anything out of one of those rigged motherfuckers

I have spent her entire life telling her that those things are a rip, and she grabs two on three tries when I'm not around.

We have a little Chewbacca furry that makes the Chewbacca sound, and tonight E (9 months) reached for it and said "RRRrrrrrr!"

You could probably raise E to make just chewbacca noises. I'm not saying you should, it's kind of a moral grey area.

Me: what's happening in Lego town over here
V: I've been adding this building, it's the office for the newspaper.
Me: Oh yeah? what newspaper?
V: (thinks for a second) the Daily Brick!

My kids got sick last week with more terrible viruses; this time only one of them ended up in the hospital and it was only for an overnight observational stay. It completely consumed our weekend and last night, due to dehydration, he was VERY gassy/constipated and spent most of the evening complaining until he let out a massive fart at 3:30 AM, stopped screaming and fell asleep.

Apparently he's pooped a million times today. Better that than screaming like he's being murdered or coughing up both lungs, though.

Kid's been saying "car" for a while now but hasn't been able to say "truck". Now it's sort of morphing and has turned into the word "cock", which is awesome as he's watching videos of monster trucks on fire and yelling HOT COCK HOT COCK.

My little brother as a kid pronounced the "tr" sound as "fw" which obviously lead to me and my teenaged friends goading him into saying truck you, etc.

My kids got sick last week with more terrible viruses; this time only one of them ended up in the hospital and it was only for an overnight observational stay. It completely consumed our weekend and last night, due to dehydration, he was VERY gassy/constipated and spent most of the evening complaining until he let out a massive fart at 3:30 AM, stopped screaming and fell asleep.

Apparently he's pooped a million times today. Better that than screaming like he's being murdered or coughing up both lungs, though.

― i like to trump and i am crazy (DJP), Monday, March 21, 2016 2:08 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

PP what was that magical stuff we use to use called?

Henry, on the toilet, with me as his deep thoughts audience once again:
H: 'Did you know that saladbread is poisonous?'
Me: 'Really?'
H: 'Yes! I ate it once'
Me: 'I don't remember you being sick from eating saladbread'
H: 'Oh, well, if you drink a special potion after you eat it you don't get sick.'
Me. 'Ah. Where did you get saladbread? I've never heard of it'
H: 'There is a Saladbread planet! I went there with four astronauts and we ate it.'
Me: 'Wow. I hope you gave the astronauts some of your potion'
H: 'No! Hahahaha'
H: 'You know what else is poisonous?'
Me: 'Nope'
H: (in a loud conspiratorial whisper)'CHICKEN BODIES'
Me 'Chicken bodies!! Do they come from a chicken body planet'
H: 'No! They're from Earth!'
Me: 'oh.'

Like, DUH