Kids say the darndest things

nothing worse than being small

To a kid, for sure. As an adult I'm thinking 'wow thanks kid!'

The girls were making each other laugh in bed the other night with a series of "your butt is so big" jokes. My favourite was Lulu's "If you were in orbit around the earth your butt would still reach down into the inner core." They laughed for a long, long time about that one - I could hear Ava trying to ask "but how would you even... it doesn't make any..." I really want them to go to sleep in my flat once I've tucked them in on the sofa bed and give me just maybe an hour's peace watching something on the laptop or reading, but I'd rather have a laughfest than nightmares.

Apparently, at school, kids have started calling each other "wasteman". This made me chuckle. First appearance on ILX was on the rap/grime threads in 2005-06, and then it starts to appear in football discussions around 2012-13. Now in primary schools. Marvellous.

My kids love to tell yo mama jokes. Best one so far was Owen:

"Yo mama is so polite that she says 'your mother'"

inspired!

That just makes me think of this!

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/e2/c7/24/e2c724d12f43be3deb45cb9cdd71a892.jpg

"Yo mama is so polite that she says 'your mother'"

― schwantz, Wednesday, November 11, 2015 11:55 AM (6 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

this is a great joke!

Better than Ben's "Your mama is so square that Wyoming was like 'whaaa?'"

hahahaha

I don't think I can pick a favorite.

7 year old: "Daddy... can you look into your heart.."
Dad: "hmmm? for what?"
7yo: "for reasons. Look into your heart... for reasons. Reasons to get me some cheese".

LOOOOOOOOOOL going to use that.

that's brilliant!

glo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ree-a!

in a Chelsea Stadium!

lol

My littlest kid keeps making up pretend mud puddles on all the places in our house where the rugs transfer to flooring and then back again. She nobly spreads her jacket over the mud puddle and then looks at me and says "May I ask...?" and I am supposed to daintily walk across and be polite and thankful when I get to the other side. Who says chivalry is dead?

Give the kid a fedora! :)

"I poop floor!"

Ella, on being informed she has to wear pants when she leaves the house:
(In a scoffing tone) "But vaginas aren't scary!"

Damn right Ella.

awesome

Ella future ruler of the universe

Henry and I reading The Best Nest, where there's this scene in which Mr. Bird, after seeing a big fat cat with a big fat smile and pretty brown feathers all around, believes that his wife, Mrs. Bird, is dead.

http://i.imgur.com/ecjXF1i.jpg

Hlooks at me as I turn the page and says, "So what? Now he can play all the video games he wants!"

lol

oh MAN i remember that book!! that page is a heartbreaker!

That's pretty dark!

"So what? Now he can play all the video games he wants!"

Atta lad.

lol

Mrs bird was kind of a nagging bitch IIRC

7yo, upon hearing a sweet string piece in some movie soundtrack;

"this music is music to my ears!"

5 yo singing: "We love our trees, we love our trees" (stops) "And now this is the BLACK METAL version" (cue garbled singing with words love and trees minimally recognizable)

[Watching a zoboomafoo episode about snakes]

Anaconda boa. Anaconda boa. Anaconda don't want messing with your buns. (Repeat)

These are all gold!

K (3.5) is really into me making up stories now, and in the one I was making up tonight, a girl named Sharon happened upon a squirrel...

Me: So the squirrel was named...Shaul
K: Shaul?! That's a hebrew name!
Me: Well, it was uh, a Jewish squirrel.
K: But...squirrels don't celebrate holidays!
Me: Ok, well it wasn't Jewish, because squirrels can't be Jewish, but it was named Shaul.
K: That rhymes with shil-shul! (Hebrew for diarrhea)

It always comes back to poop

Judah: I have a penis!
Me: yup.
Judah: daddy have a penis?
Me: yup
Judah: daddy have a big penis?
Me: ...

Whoa, that's awkward.

A: (standing in the kitchen after her shower, completely naked, peeling a hard boiled egg)
Me: Get over here - you need some underwear and an undershirt. (tries to get underwear on the kid)
A: (aimless 5-year-old babbling about something completely unrelated)
Mrs Life: Honey you need to focus on your underwear.
A: What the fuckus? I need my eggus!

Apropos of nothing: "What do they say about naked babies playing the piano?"

Me [winding up some long story about my teenage antics]: ...yeah, that wasn't a good story.
J: Yeah dad, you're not cool.
Me: I was probably never cool, now that I think about it.
J: You lose.
Me: No, I won.
J: Won what?
Me: Best kids.
J: For participation!

After having received two LEGO star wars sets for Christmas and somebody else pointing out how many different LEGO sets there are:

It's too bad we have to die. We don't live long enough to get all the LEGO star wars as presents.

Whoa!

We discovered the last bit of Halloween candy while cleaning my daughter's room. I open a bag of Skittles and offer her some.

"What are those?"
"They're Skittles. They're fruit flavored."
"Oh, I thought they were S&M's."

Hahaha

"I call cats' teeth 'hookers'!"

Also, she has developed an obsession in the last few weeks of mining my bellybutton for lint. When she strikes gold, she takes my bellybutton lint and sticks it in her own bellybutton. When asked for an explanation: "We're lint-buddies!"

Ha!

"Daddy, you're as cosy as a slug!"

My son describing a mysterious odor in his kindergarten playground:

"It smelled like a skunk eating an old hamburger."

That is an excellent description.

Last night, when my wife got up from the dinner table to get something, Ella said in alarmed tones, "Oh no! Mummy's on the loose again!"

We were playing Say Anything and the question was "what would be the worst facebook post"

Ben wrote down "sex."

Owen: Yeah, because only a pervert would like that. And they'd be like "Finally!"