ILX Parenting 5: I'm a big kid now

attention is & remains the most precious commodity. this goes up and up with each kid of course, but even with one it's a big deal.

feel like I should write something about the economy of attention and parenthood, maybe talk to some economists, pitch it somewhere and make no bucks for it

I always get annoyed when I see those complaints about "parents who are looking at the smartphone while pushing the stroller" who are "not interacting with their kids" or whatever, because whoever makes that complaint obviously has no conception of how much attention any non-negligent parent gives a child in the course of the entire day, and how mentally draining it is (assuming the stroller-pusher is not actually putting the child in danger or inconveniencing other pedestrians).

We spent some time with NA and his family (including their new two month old!) and the two times I was holding the little one, Ivy made a beeline for me, immediately climbing up my leg, like HEY WTF IS THIS TINY BABY BULLSHIT??!?!?!??

I mean, I generally don't look at my phone while pushing the stroller and maybe that's not the best example, but just people who get self-righteous about "parents not paying attention to their kids" because you have no idea how many times that day the tired parent has already re-told the story about the time a friend went to the dentist and found out he had cavities.

as my kids grow up I see my giving them my full attention as more or less = my chief manifestation of my love for them, day to day. like what is needed when they're tiny, holding them and feeding them and carrying them, all that recedes, and when it does, you can fill that gap in different ways. but they're going to ask for your attention and you can fill that gap by giving it to them.

and yeah it's exhausting. when the kids aren't in bed or reading quietly by 9pm I'm a mess.

Oh I mean I'm all for giving them full attention as much of the time as possible, I just can't stand hand-wringing over seeing someone checking their smartphone while with their kids, as though you can tell by the five non-attention-giving minutes you witness that the parent is "inattentive"

totally

otoh I am still judging the woman who pushed her stroller onto the tram last week with two kids walking alongside her, while she left her earbuds in the whole time.

Oh yeah, I saw a woman looking at her phone while pushing a stroller and holding a child's hand IN THE STREET on a crosstown street in Midtown Manhattan the other day, judged the shit out of her.

Having one of those lunchtimes when every darn piece of food is getting flung on the floor without even tasting. SO INFURIATING. Silly baby.

He has also started squirting water from his mouth like a cowboy aiming for a spittoon.

Why do babies not realise that food and sleep are two of the absolute greatest things in life argh.

"HEY WTF IS THIS TINY BABY BULLSHIT??!?!?!??"

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Otm

I'm guessing that's pretty common for that age, but I've decided to take it as proof that Ivy will make an excellent only child.

Also one of my coworkers got accidentally pregnant shortly after having her first child, so that her first born was about 16 months when the second came along and I need to remember to be extra nice to her.

Is there some kind of rule that all pediatrician office reception staff has to be crabby? Good grief.

Maybe it's me. I always thought I had a really nice, pleasant phone manner but maybe I come off like a smug jerk or something.

XXp This seems to happen way often! Idgi but apparently you can be super fertile at a tine you think you're not

I never have beef with pediatrician office staff. My wife got into it once with one of the nurse practitioners at our kids' doctor, so every time I call up to make an appointment I have to go on their website simultaneously and make requests for appointments with other staff.

kinder, yeah, I think people give breastfeeding infertility more credit than it deserves.

As noted previously, I'm in the process of changing Ivy to a new practice and trying to get her medical records has been an exercise in patience and not screaming at people I need something from. I just about lost it when they told me they can't fax records due to HIPAA. Also we had already decided to change and picked a new place when this happened, but it was good validation: when Ivy went for her 12 month visit, they were out of a particular vaccine. They told me the name of it, but I figured they would also write it down in her chart. Apparently they didn't, so when we came back for the second flu vaccine and I asked for whatever it was that they didn't give her before, they interpreted that to mean that I was trying to get them to double up on one of her vaccines. I had to explain to three different people that they had been out of something and had told me to tell them to give it to her when she came back. After suggesting this was something that they should have noted in her chart, the NP decided it was probably the Hep B vaccine. Here's hoping, you bozos!

Anyway I called the new place and the lady I talked to was a real sourpuss. Also I said I would prefer a Friday appointment, and any Friday after Feb. 18 would work. She put me on hold then came back with "We don't have any appointments on the 18th."

That's a small thing but it made me a little IA.

i have something that makes me IA w/kids, bc i notice it so much now. parents jaywalking with their kids in the middle of busy streets. not streets that are completely empty at the time, but ones where cars are forced to slow or stop. infuriating in terms of safety but also what it teaches the kid(s).

Our bus stop is across a busy two lane road with a cross walk where cars refuse to stop, and I have to cross it every day when I bring Ivy home from daycare, and it is one of the most stressful moments of my day. I feel like parents jay walking in a busy street squander the good will and attention of drivers who might otherwise stop at the damn crosswalk (as required by law in Illinois I might add).

Yesterday I started wearing these LED slap bracelets that Jeff uses for running at night - http://www.niteize.com/product/SlapLit.asp - in the hopes of getting drivers to stop. I put one on my purse strap and one on the baby carrier. I'm not sure whether it works yet. I'll have to collect more data.

What makes me the most furious is when an eastbound driver stops, I walk in front of that car, and drivers going westbound buzz me as I stand in the middle of the fucking crosswalk rather than, you know, stop to let the lady carrying the baby get across the street. Or when an eastbound driver stops, and another eastbound driver behind them whips around the first car to pass it on the right. I've had to jump back on the curb because of that.

I'm getting a stress headache just thinking about it.

most city drivers are monsters imo

Seriously. There was a big kerfuffle in Chicago about red light cameras, which have been shown to reduce accidents, but drivers lost their collective shit about this infringement of their right to run red lights. And the Tribune ran an article with bad data in it to try to discredit the cameras. It's like... JUST STOP AT THE FUCKING LIGHT. Jut... don't run the red lights. Also stop at cross walks. Also, take the bus you monster.

ban cars ban cars ban cars

in l.a. they've been doing this 'road diet' thing in a lot of neighborhoods, going from three lanes each way to two and adding a bike lane, or from two lanes to one and a bike lane, etc. or adding stop signs at dodgy intersections. things like that. there's so much pushback against it. i generally hate cars, i wish this city had great public transit.

In no way meant to minimize your crossing, but I have to cross a busy five-way intersection where there is no crosswalk on my side (to be fair, could take circuitous route that has crosswalks), followed immediately by a four-lane mega road known informally as the "boulevard of death" to get to K's daycare. It probably is the most stressful part of my day as well, along with the otherwise crazed rush to get her ready and get to school before the elevator pile-up occurs and makes me late for work.

When she can handle walking all the way, I may just start using the subway underpass.

and yes, ban cars

No minimization. It's endemic. I hate it.

My kid keeps talking about starting a goddamn dog-walking business. He initially brought it up about half a year ago and keeps bringing it up again every few months. He talks about it with his friends.

I think it's a terrible idea for so many reasons, but then when I go and google "should a kid start a dog-walking business" there are plenty of websites with step-by-step plans for you to follow. What do you guys think? Just in terms of your gut reaction.

how old it he? i think it would probably depend on his age and maturity. i could see a 13/14yo doing okay w/ it.

Only if it is driven by a website that he creates for peer to peer dog walking. The same old dog walking industry needs a shake up and how's life Jr. may be just the person to do it.

Yeah I think it depends on (1) your sense of his maturity and (2) your willingness and availability to shepherd the project. Could be a great lesson in responsibility. I just would hate to see someone learn from "mistakes" involving other people's dogs.

Today, while visiting her three friends, all brothers, August came up to me and said. "Mommy, I need a sister." This sister thing has been going on awhile, Frozen only made it worse. At playgrounds she'll call little female friends she just met and likes "Sister". Sometimes it makes me sad for her, like she will be the stereotypical lonely-only.

Molly has expressed her desire for a baby sister. I told her that she wouldn't like it if she got one but that there was no chance of it happening.

God, I thought we'd got off lightly on the tantrum front, hahahaha. Thought too soon. Full on screaming in the rush hour this morning on the tube, the commuters had to part to make space for her as she threw herself back onto my knees and screeched, all because I wouldn't let her have a seat to herself.

stereotypical lonely-only

^^ Not all onlys are lonely! Apparently I asked my mom for a sibling once and she told me it wasn't going to happy and then I said OK and never asked again.

Oh man, public transit tantrums are happening over here, too. When both Ivy and I are in our puffy winter outerwear, I find her carrier a little uncomfortably snug so I've just been carrying her in my arms on the bus. She wants to stand pretty much all the time, so she'll cry until I stand her up. But then she gets tired so she tries to sit down on the floor of the grody mid-winter filth on the bus floor, which I obviously won't let her do so then she freaks out. Or she wants to stand but the bus is too crowded or she wants to sit but on a seat and not on my lap. Basically any point at which I don't let her do what she wants to do (assuming she even wants to do anything). Then comes the freakout and she's too tired to get over it so we ride home serenading the bus with her relentless "tired cry." It's exhausting. Yesterday she freaked out so hard she scratched her face.

She's on the verge of walking, she's figuring out that she wants to communicate but there's only so many things she can express with "mama" "dada" and "cat," I think she's getting some more teeth, and she's starting to really pick up things from her environment and mimic them so my theory is that her little brain is constantly in overdrive and there's just no mental resources to deal with disappointment and/or tiredness.

yeah in our experience times like growth spurts or new skill spurts (talking, walking, etc) brought on bad sleep, fussiness, you know, the good stuff

how can make baby not bite? baby thinks is hilarious!

I'm not saying this is the route to go but when I was a baby i was baby best friends with this kid Dimitri who at one stage went around biting everyone. One day he was biting his mom in the grocery store all the time (my mom was there and saw this scene) and she'd had enough. She rolled up his sleeve and bit his arm. Apparently after that he realized biting is no joke and that was the end of his biting spree.

I don't remember what we did when abby went through a brief biting phase. She was probably two at the time. We managed to get through it pretty quickly though. I have tried ENBBs technique on my cat and it didn't work for us.

I probably wrote this before on here but when #3 was little we went to the All Chinese Buffet in town a few times and in addition talked about the Old Country Buffet quite a bit ("you can just take all the country fried steaks you want if you go on Tuesday! they're appalling but plentiful!"). #3 mixed these together and "played a game" where she'd run around the house yelling "it's the Old Buffet" and would then bite whoever she caught. I guess we were the buffet. This game sucked and we eventually got the point across. years later now she's embarrassed by all this so naturally it comes up all the time; thus in time you too can get your revenge for the biting days.

Ivy is kind of experimenting with biting. It's not malicious but more like, "I am playing and I have teeth and no impulse control!" She doesn't bite hard but we're definitely trying to lay the "no biting" foundation now by just pulling her off and saying, "We don't bite!" or "People are not for biting!"

If the baby is biting for play, that seems like it's a lot easier to handle than a baby biting out of frustration or overstimulation. Then you can just be like, "We don't bite! Look over here at this other fun thing to do instead!"

They also taught her "linda" ("gentle" in Spanish) at daycare so when Ivy gets super excited and starts smacking me in the face, I'll say, "Linda... linda..." and she'll stop and just kind of pet me. So if you have something similar you might try that so the kid knows that "biting" is the opposite of linda.

It's harder I think if the kid is biting or whatever because of anger or frustration. When Ivy's really upset she'll scratch - her own face or mine. Whether the scratching is a means to an end or just the accidental result of a lot of angry flailing, I don't know. I've got some good sized scratches on my neck from a random temper cyclone last night.

She actually started doing that this morning and I said much more firmly than I normally do, like not yelling but definitely coming from a place of irritation, "No! No! Don't scratch me!" and weirdly, that snapped her out of it and then she was fine.

once at primary school in France my son got bit by another kid and he told the teacher; the teacher told him to bite the other kid back

I've been finding it fascinating to see where K does and does not fall into traditional "gendered" play so far -- e.g. on one hand the moment she saw a video of ballet she became completely obsessed with it. She wants to wear her frilly dress every day, and she likes being a "queen" (this was sort of my idea -- pushing "queen" rather than "princess" since a queen has real power). On the other hand, she loves playing with cars, she loves trucks, and she shows immense curiosity every time we pass someone doing road or construction work, sometimes even saying "I want to do that." She also loves jumping, banging, making noise, etc. Trying not to push one way or the other too much and let her curiosity lead her.

Oh yeah, that's definitely a weird, but fun, thing to try to balance out.

http://usvsth3m.com/post/21-struggles-faced-by-a-dad-raising-a-daughter-in-a-sexist-world

quite glad i have a boy atm

7) Encouraging her to reject pink

It is now your duty to vocally declaim pink and all its minions at every available opportunity. In the face of a culture that is trying to brainwash your daughter, you must, at every turn, point out how silly the person dressed all in pink is, how the girls in Lelli Kelly adverts look dead inside, the fact that real castles are usually greyish.

When offering her something you should list every other colour before acknowledging the existence of pink, and that it might be the one she wants.

Then, when you have openly mocked pink in all its forms, you can proudly ask your child what to think of something pink, and she’ll answer:

“You’ll think it’s bad because it’s pink and boys don’t like pink.”

Not for the first time, you’re a fucking idiot.

My girl LOVES pink. One of her 3 favorite colors, along with light blue and black. Good taste, I think. So instead of trying to sway her away from it, I've decided to like it too, to show her that I like what she likes. I've bought some pink shirts and ties and things.