ILX Parenting 5: I'm a big kid now

No ILXors at ours, though I have wondered about the Welshman.

We get a little put off at times when all they do is prescribe some antibiotics for an ear infection. Like, don't you all have some kitty cocaine she could take or something?

But in the whole long run of things, it's probably a positive mark on their part that they don't go nuts with the prescriptions or try to suggest further testing.

They've got these neat mobile tablets they run around the building with. Only bad part - and I don't hold this agains the doctors - is that there are like 3 Walgreens within a mile of the hospital and they always get the wrong one.

yeah, don't go to healthcare providers that don't practice evidence-based medicine.
And no, MDs do not usually review (nor is there any legal obligation to) NPs notes. NPs in IL can and do practice independently.

Okay that's good to know about the NPs.

The CAM stuff really bugs me. The doc recommends bovine colostrum or whatever, and I think to myself, "Hmmm, that sounds like so much nonsense" and I look it up, and there's like just enough possibility that it does something that I feel like I'm being a bad mom if I don't get it, because the doctor said I should, and I should trust my doctor, right??!?!?!?!???????

Anyway, Ivy's scheduled for her second flu shot next month, because it will be easier to finish up her 12 month shots at the same doctor, I figure, and then we're jumping ship.

There are a lot of crackhead MDs out there, for real. I see NPs for everything I can.

One thing that does kind of annoy me is how freely pediatricians seem to dole out clearly non-medical parenting advice -- what to do about sleep habits, how to potty train, etc.

they probably dole it out because they get asked about that shit all the time by confused first-time parents tbf

I've been a confused first-time parent for four days now and have the first pediatrician appointment tomorrow, where I guarantee I will end up asking about a bunch of non-medical things like sleep habits. And how I am terrified that his umbilical stump is going to get infected and that he is going to have every disease ever because I am exhausted and insane right now.

He's my doctor too so I trust him and he's a big nerd who draws graphs and stuff to explain things which I am thankful for.

And carl I have no idea who your doctor might be. I grew up down the street from k8e and not far from dan m but never really hung out with them until after everyone was done with college.

Xp yeah reasonable. I think I am just annoyed by our first experience where the practice was part of sort of a citywide brand name practice and the head doctor was pushing his book, so I felt like they were pushing a lot of parenting method stuff on us that I didn't like.

Ohhhh yeah that's pretty gross. Our current-soon-to-be-former ped emailed us a power point presentation about how to care for a newborn that we actually found really useful. He also gave us good advice about encouraging Ivy to sleep through the night, which was great because we were coming out of NICU land where you intentionally wake babies up to eat every four hours.

These people:

https://www.tribecapediatrics.com/

they tell you you should have your kids cry it out at three months even if you don't ask

Ok guys. Need your help. I was settling into a well-deserved nyquil coma last night when my oldest comes up to me.

Him: Dad, there's this group of kids who've been really annoying me at school. They always butt in line ahead of me and stick their tongue out at me. I tell them it's not fair but they don't listen. So then I'll try to cut back in front of them, but they start yelling at me. And they're always making all these annoying noises. *demonstrates some very annoying noises indeed*

Me: That sounds like it could be hard to deal with. Are these kids getting in trouble a lot?

Him: That's the thing. They don't get in trouble because *pausing because he knows it's a tough subject* they're from another race.

He clarifies that he's referring to the Hispanic kids in his class. "I hate being in a class with people who act like monsters!"

Me: Come on, you know it's out of line to call a race of people "monsters".

Him: No, not all Mexicans. Just this group in my class. And I know they don't get in trouble because..."

He mumbles something incoherent about "families" and "chances". You know how when they know about a subject but don't actually fully understand it? Like a beauty pageant contestant. But it seems clear that he's trying to show that he remembers some of the conversations that we've had (or stuff he's learned at school) about racism.

So far here's what I've got:

*My kid is annoyed with some kids in his class.
*The kids in his class are all of another race than him.
*My kid at least perceives that those kids don't get in trouble for the same things he gets in trouble for, and thinks it is because of their race.
*I know he's been introduced to the basic ideas about racism - both structural and personal - even if he doesn't have an expert grasp on the concepts yet.

So where do I go from here? I don't want my kid to be uncomfortable in his classroom. I don't want him to hate his classmates. Feel like maybe I should reach out to his teacher for more context. Is there anything else I should be thinking about? It would be awkward enough as it is, but I'm sort of in a rough spot here, mentally. I've just got medicine head from this cold and if it's the last thing I need, it's this mess.

Many thanks.

I say reach out to the teacher for more context. I do that for far less ambiguous/confusing things that my child reports.

btw, to clarify. bullet point 2 should read: *The group of kids who annoy him are all of another race than him.

Talking to the teacher seems like a good idea.

The idea that someone who is not white is getting special treatment because of their race is such a pernicious, damaging idea in our society. I feel like it's really important to address that with your kid, but I get sputtering mad trying to refute that idea with adults, so I have no idea how to approach it with a kid (although I suppose I'd better develop that skill).

I'd also guess that it's false in this case, however it's certainly not a good thing if the teacher is allowing butting in line and teasing under his/her supervision for whatever reason.

I also wonder if he heard that from someone else in his class -- it just sounds like the kind of thing a kid wouldn't come up with on his own.

Yeah.

Yeah, totally. Some kid whose parents are bitching about illegal immigrants getting free welfare checks and free healthcare and not paying taxes bringing that shit into school for sure.

No, not all Mexicans. Just this group in my class. And I know they don't get in trouble because…"

Do any of the other kids get in trouble?

Beeps had a similar problem with a kid cutting in line WHO NEVER GOT INTO TROUBLE. I told her, hell, cut back or say something loudly in front of the other kids, GOSH, ERIC, YOU SURE DO WANT TO BE BETWEEN ME AND MILIAH. "But what if I get in trouble?" Roll the dice, Beeps.

And hey guess what. Turns out the substitute teacher really doesn't care who's walking next to whom in line and NOBODY, including my daughter, gets in trouble.

These are all good points.

The easiest lesson I can ever preach is that annoying people annoy other people, regardless of race. Those black girls being too loud over there? Funny you didn't say anything when those white girls were shrieking earlier at the other table. It's just not as noticeable when they blend into the background you've got set up in your mind.

^^^

what age is yr kid hl?

He's 10. I didn't move on anything yesterday because he had a big interview yesterday for the middle school stem program, but I think I'm going to reopen the discussion with him this weekend before I drop anything in his teacher's lap.

It's sort of delicate, but I think it's a good idea to try to tease out what's really going on without putting words in his mouth or minimizing his concerns

Right, actually telling me about this seems huge because he usually prefers to keep his school and social life to himself. There's just no way he would have approached me about it if he didn't have actual concerns.

I seriously underestimated how incredibly taxing having a newborn actually was going to be, especially one who seems to have an hour long screaming fit 50% of the time after every feeding. But three weeks in and it's starting to sort of feel normal to sleep no more than six hours total every night with a three hour chunk of being awake in the middle, or at least I no longer feel like I'm going to puke and cry all the time.

And holy shit, twins, I can't even comprehend having twins. My level of awe at all the parents of twins that I've ever known has shot up exponentially.

All of that OTM :)

<3

hang in there, joygoat.

In case you haven't already tried it, putting the baby in a sling post-feed could work - combination of keeping them upright for stomach issues and close body contact for comfort. And yeah, hang in there.

vibes ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My excellent babby is here! And yes it's tough. He's been relatively easy going until last night when he was a total horror...

aw congratulations!! i have been wondering how you were going.

Welcome kinder kinder!!!

Yay!

Yaay kinder and new baby! :D

Congrats! RIP sleep

congrats kinder!

and yea joygoat otm. it's so exhausting. and twins, i can't even imagine.

tbh the only time it's really felt overwhelming were the two weeks when we forgot we could swaddle them

those were the worst two weeks, tho

baby #2 coming in april for us, i have no clue what it will be like to have a toddler and a newborn at the same time. there is totally an amount of selective amnesia w/r/t having a second child, but now some of those memories are coming back and i'm freaking the fuck out

Congratulations Kinder!

Yay kinder!

yay kinder

congratulations marcos

Aside from the birth itself, this is the hardest thing I've ever done. I'd like a day where I don't cry at nothing and the baby makes sense, please.

<3

Don't underestimate the WTF-ery of your post-partum hormones careening around your body, which I don't say to minimize this but to emphasize that the frustration and crying and feeling out of control are temporary, if it helps to think of it that way. Also post-partum depression is real as fuck, and even if how you're feeling doesn't rise to the level of PPD, post-partum hormones and their shenanigans with your mood, perception, and coping skills are real as fuck.

Do you have someone you can talk if you need it?

(The baby making no sense is also real as fuck but probably not temporary, at least not in my 13 months of baby experience. But it does get easier to live in the baby's nonsense world.)

kinder - is yr baby collicky? our first one was and it was hellish - unable to be calmed, constantly crying/screaming, fear on our parts that we're doing something wrong, etc. it was a nightmare. our second was not collicky and it was a totally different experience.

Oh man that sucks but I totally understand. We had a terrible stretch of crying fits after eating, switched formulas up and had a magical couple of days, then yesterday was back to weird screaming fits that just made everything awful - and this is without any post-partum hormones in the mix and two people available all the time to switch off when needed.

Hope it gets better, or at least becomes normal enough to deal with (which seems to have helped me deal with things).

Oh god and yeah, sleep deprivation on top of everything else, just makes everything more difficult.

I told DJP this but I also give kinder and joygoat permission to strangle anyone who tells you to sleep when the baby sleeps.

haha seriously.
I also echo the realness of postpartum hormonal rollercoaster - I cried a fair amount, sometimes hysterically, and then shifted into anxiety and nightmares, which have now subsided at 3 months, phew/fingers crossed.

New babies don't make much sense and less sense to my tired brain.