ILX Parenting 5: I'm a big kid now

I love livin in the city, haven't regretted it yet. I'm fortunate that my wife hates the suburbs as much as I do, every time we have to spend more than a day in one we start to go a little crazy

somehow managed to get our oldest in to our first choice of schools. it's had it's drawbacks (ie a crappy kindergarten teacher with old-timers syndrome) but nothing that is specifically rooted in its urban milieu. I mean, she hasn't been stabbed by a crackhead yet.

protip: Uniqlo is great for little kid clothing -- stylish, cheap, quality doesn't matter too much bc they outgrow it so quick, and the "heattech" stuff is great for winter.

I didn't know Uniqlo had kids' clothes!

Man they have great cheap socks.

Congratulations scik.

I am currently holding the recently born 9lb 12oz Cecil

OMG!

That's a huge baby!

But that's not what the OMG was for - that was my EXCITEMENT about CECIL and YOU and THE MRS.! This is such great news!

Thanks. It's been a crazy day; birth mom is spent, adoptive mom and dad are realizing that we spent 10 years trying to have a baby and suddenly have to figure out what to actually do with one.

ime right now feed, change, and hold him a lot.

When does he get to go home?

We've got to be in the hospital for 24 hours. Gonna hang around for a couple days at least until the legal stuff clears on Monday

yay joygoat!! so exciting for u!!

This is great news to wake up to, congratulations! My grandad was called Cecil - he'd have been 102 in four days' time.

!

Yaay congratulations!
I didn't know all that much about taking care of a baby either but it's amazing how many people who love you do and will offer you many pro tips :)

Congrats joygoat! Cecil is a great name.

WELCOME TO THE CLUB

Awesome. An already-epic journey now begins for real.

Great, great news, Joygoat!!! Congratulations!!!!!!!!

Do any of you have pediatricians that you love? Why do you love him/her? I'm trying to figure out whether my expectations are reasonable as far as how pediatricians's offices work. We've decided to switch from our current doctor (for reasons that make me feel like the worst kind of Yelp reviewer if I were to lay out the situation, but I think is probably justified?), and the new doctor is closer to our house so we'll probably be willing to put up with some annoyance for the sake of logistical convenience, but I guess I'm wondering if that's just the way it is.

Some of my concerns about the current practice -
They are really quick to recommend CAM-type stuff that a quick internet search reveals is not supported by evidence (certain colic remedies, bovine colustrum, probiotics)
The NP we saw last told us we needed to stop using fluoride toothpaste with Ivy even though the ADA says it's a good idea - http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/02/12/dental-group-advises-fluoride-toothpaste-before-age-2/?_r=0
Front desk staff is craaaaaaanky as fuck. Also stop calling me "Mom," especially if you are scolding me about something.
In at least one case, the doctor basically said that the NP diagnosed/treated Ivy wrong, which is a bummer but shouldn't he be reviewing her office visit notes rather than waiting for me to call with a follow up question?
They are not good at returning calls.
The office is pretty grungy. And I've used the bathroom twice and it was pretty gross both times.

I love our pediatrician. She is a friend of a college friend (and, hilariously, a fellow alum who was a year ahead of me) and knows her shit up and down. Oh and also she is head of the pediatric practice at MGH.

The one whose practice we're leaving is the father of a friend's college classmate (very, very occasional ILX poster sisut, who also takes her kiddo there). ILXors dan m. and joygoat might also know him. I'm sorry I'm leaving the pediatrics practice of the father of someone you might know from college, dan m. and joygoat. He seems like a nice person but he should clean his office bathroom more and stop telling me to buy weird supplements for my child.

Just tell Dr. K to become a pediatrician too. Problem solved.

All of those reasons you listed sound pretty valid.

We've gone to the same place since Beeps was born in 2007. It's easy to get an appointment. The wait isn't usually too long. The waiting room and bathrooms are clean and big. The nurses are wonderful to our suddenly-shy kids while they're measuring and weighing them. We have our "regular" who gets his name on all of our emergency school sheets, but in reality, we get a rotation of four or five doctors (and a Welsh guy who's pretty much a doctor except for some international confusion, from what I gather.) All of them excellent.

It's one of the few times in this whole experience where we walked up to the plate and hit a home run on the first pitch. Might be the only instance.

Thank you for the validation. I have a tendency to stick with a known quantity, especially if I don't have anything better to compare it to, so it's nice to hear some other perspectives.

The current place has one doctor and a bunch of NPs. The new place has a bunch of doctors and two NPs. I love nurse practitioners, do not get me wrong, but I think I will like having more doctors a little better.

another plus about our peds practice is that a former ILXor works there (marianna lcl, I mentioned running into her in the ER a couple of months ago)

No ILXors at ours, though I have wondered about the Welshman.

We get a little put off at times when all they do is prescribe some antibiotics for an ear infection. Like, don't you all have some kitty cocaine she could take or something?

But in the whole long run of things, it's probably a positive mark on their part that they don't go nuts with the prescriptions or try to suggest further testing.

They've got these neat mobile tablets they run around the building with. Only bad part - and I don't hold this agains the doctors - is that there are like 3 Walgreens within a mile of the hospital and they always get the wrong one.

yeah, don't go to healthcare providers that don't practice evidence-based medicine.
And no, MDs do not usually review (nor is there any legal obligation to) NPs notes. NPs in IL can and do practice independently.

Okay that's good to know about the NPs.

The CAM stuff really bugs me. The doc recommends bovine colostrum or whatever, and I think to myself, "Hmmm, that sounds like so much nonsense" and I look it up, and there's like just enough possibility that it does something that I feel like I'm being a bad mom if I don't get it, because the doctor said I should, and I should trust my doctor, right??!?!?!?!???????

Anyway, Ivy's scheduled for her second flu shot next month, because it will be easier to finish up her 12 month shots at the same doctor, I figure, and then we're jumping ship.

There are a lot of crackhead MDs out there, for real. I see NPs for everything I can.

One thing that does kind of annoy me is how freely pediatricians seem to dole out clearly non-medical parenting advice -- what to do about sleep habits, how to potty train, etc.

they probably dole it out because they get asked about that shit all the time by confused first-time parents tbf

I've been a confused first-time parent for four days now and have the first pediatrician appointment tomorrow, where I guarantee I will end up asking about a bunch of non-medical things like sleep habits. And how I am terrified that his umbilical stump is going to get infected and that he is going to have every disease ever because I am exhausted and insane right now.

He's my doctor too so I trust him and he's a big nerd who draws graphs and stuff to explain things which I am thankful for.

And carl I have no idea who your doctor might be. I grew up down the street from k8e and not far from dan m but never really hung out with them until after everyone was done with college.

Xp yeah reasonable. I think I am just annoyed by our first experience where the practice was part of sort of a citywide brand name practice and the head doctor was pushing his book, so I felt like they were pushing a lot of parenting method stuff on us that I didn't like.

Ohhhh yeah that's pretty gross. Our current-soon-to-be-former ped emailed us a power point presentation about how to care for a newborn that we actually found really useful. He also gave us good advice about encouraging Ivy to sleep through the night, which was great because we were coming out of NICU land where you intentionally wake babies up to eat every four hours.

These people:

https://www.tribecapediatrics.com/

they tell you you should have your kids cry it out at three months even if you don't ask

Ok guys. Need your help. I was settling into a well-deserved nyquil coma last night when my oldest comes up to me.

Him: Dad, there's this group of kids who've been really annoying me at school. They always butt in line ahead of me and stick their tongue out at me. I tell them it's not fair but they don't listen. So then I'll try to cut back in front of them, but they start yelling at me. And they're always making all these annoying noises. *demonstrates some very annoying noises indeed*

Me: That sounds like it could be hard to deal with. Are these kids getting in trouble a lot?

Him: That's the thing. They don't get in trouble because *pausing because he knows it's a tough subject* they're from another race.

He clarifies that he's referring to the Hispanic kids in his class. "I hate being in a class with people who act like monsters!"

Me: Come on, you know it's out of line to call a race of people "monsters".

Him: No, not all Mexicans. Just this group in my class. And I know they don't get in trouble because..."

He mumbles something incoherent about "families" and "chances". You know how when they know about a subject but don't actually fully understand it? Like a beauty pageant contestant. But it seems clear that he's trying to show that he remembers some of the conversations that we've had (or stuff he's learned at school) about racism.

So far here's what I've got:

*My kid is annoyed with some kids in his class.
*The kids in his class are all of another race than him.
*My kid at least perceives that those kids don't get in trouble for the same things he gets in trouble for, and thinks it is because of their race.
*I know he's been introduced to the basic ideas about racism - both structural and personal - even if he doesn't have an expert grasp on the concepts yet.

So where do I go from here? I don't want my kid to be uncomfortable in his classroom. I don't want him to hate his classmates. Feel like maybe I should reach out to his teacher for more context. Is there anything else I should be thinking about? It would be awkward enough as it is, but I'm sort of in a rough spot here, mentally. I've just got medicine head from this cold and if it's the last thing I need, it's this mess.

Many thanks.

I say reach out to the teacher for more context. I do that for far less ambiguous/confusing things that my child reports.

btw, to clarify. bullet point 2 should read: *The group of kids who annoy him are all of another race than him.

Talking to the teacher seems like a good idea.

The idea that someone who is not white is getting special treatment because of their race is such a pernicious, damaging idea in our society. I feel like it's really important to address that with your kid, but I get sputtering mad trying to refute that idea with adults, so I have no idea how to approach it with a kid (although I suppose I'd better develop that skill).

I'd also guess that it's false in this case, however it's certainly not a good thing if the teacher is allowing butting in line and teasing under his/her supervision for whatever reason.

I also wonder if he heard that from someone else in his class -- it just sounds like the kind of thing a kid wouldn't come up with on his own.

Yeah.

Yeah, totally. Some kid whose parents are bitching about illegal immigrants getting free welfare checks and free healthcare and not paying taxes bringing that shit into school for sure.

No, not all Mexicans. Just this group in my class. And I know they don't get in trouble because…"

Do any of the other kids get in trouble?

Beeps had a similar problem with a kid cutting in line WHO NEVER GOT INTO TROUBLE. I told her, hell, cut back or say something loudly in front of the other kids, GOSH, ERIC, YOU SURE DO WANT TO BE BETWEEN ME AND MILIAH. "But what if I get in trouble?" Roll the dice, Beeps.

And hey guess what. Turns out the substitute teacher really doesn't care who's walking next to whom in line and NOBODY, including my daughter, gets in trouble.

These are all good points.

The easiest lesson I can ever preach is that annoying people annoy other people, regardless of race. Those black girls being too loud over there? Funny you didn't say anything when those white girls were shrieking earlier at the other table. It's just not as noticeable when they blend into the background you've got set up in your mind.

^^^

what age is yr kid hl?

He's 10. I didn't move on anything yesterday because he had a big interview yesterday for the middle school stem program, but I think I'm going to reopen the discussion with him this weekend before I drop anything in his teacher's lap.

It's sort of delicate, but I think it's a good idea to try to tease out what's really going on without putting words in his mouth or minimizing his concerns