ILX Parenting 5: I'm a big kid now

there's hardly a hard and fast rule about what will calm kids down, that's gonna vary depending upon the kid, the situation etc.

When you say don't indulge it, you mean don't give the kid the thing she's having the tantrum about, right? Like, "I want Cheerios!" "Here are your Cheerios." "I don't want Cheerios, I want toast!" "Here are your Cheerios." As opposed to making toast

yeah if they're just screaming and yelling and being wildly inconsistent/irrational, don't just keep trying to please them by meeting their whimsical demands, because then they will just keep asking for more/different crap. and the next time they want something, they know that throwing a fit is the way to get it. generally speaking.

There are times when the hug/killing the anger with love approach works, but not always. As with most parenting things, I find there is literally nothing that always works. Part of why I've started to hate parenting "method" books.

Part of why I've started to hate parenting "method" books.

I read a bunch of these before I had kid #1 and now that I'm on kid #2 I regard them as slightly less savory than snake oil

Those things are just anecdotes masquerading as science.

My parents had a whole huge shelf of parenting books on our bookcase, and they were both college educated so I figured they had sorted everything out according to the best available evidence. I put a lot of faith in their parenting judgement when I was a kid, even when it pissed me off to no end. But when I became a parent too, I confessed to them that I hadn't read all those parenting books like they did, and they said "oh, we didn't actually read those either, son."

Ha!

I try and get to the root of what's causing them to tantrum. The way I see it a tantrum is them unable to handle emotion, whatever it is, so when Molly gets cross then I'll ask if she wants a hug and see if I can validate her feelings so that she knows that I understand and then she can calm down and we can talk about it. It doesn't mean she'll get her own way, but that she'll be more likely to listen to what I have to say. God I sound like a hippy. It does seem to work though.

Beeps would mostly respond to hugging it out but the same approach infuriates Henry. For him humor will do the trick but it's hard to hit that sweet spot when you're frustrated yourself.

last thing you just said so OTM. I totally agree that it works best to be emotionally even, calming, try to understand their emotions, be patient, etc. (usually). But sometimes it's like I NEED TO LEAVE FOR WORK TEN MINUTES AGO AND YOU HAVE BEEN REFUSING TO GET IN THE STROLLER FOR FIFTEEN

God yeah, I've become very good at picking my battles and will only 'fight' for something worth fighting for, and when faced with time limits I'll give them another option, that I'll go alone/take them out in PJs/they'll have to walk/ etc. and follow through. Always follow through, always give an alternative that still works for you, and never phrase anything as a question if they don't really have a choice.

K wouldn't get up today so I literally dressed her in bed and put her straight into the stroller and left. She kind of looked like a mess but I guess a <3 year old can get away with that.

<3 year old!

haha aw

with my boy acting like an animal worked, like getting on all fours and barking or meowing. then he could act out his feelings like that too, even hostile ones. I never cared that I understood the feelings or their source, just that he could begin to relate to us again

Our birth mom is due in four days and everything feels incredibly weird and timeless right now. Met with social worker at the hospital last week to go over the birth logistics - birth mom doesn't want to do any "mothering stuff", referred to herself as the mom, and us as the parents.

Met her great aunt a couple days later (who is the woman who told her about the agency) and that went well. Were warned that her mom may or may not be at the hospital and may or may not be angry at us. And out of nowhere birth dad wants to meet us - he's signed off but wants to talk medical history and see what we're like which feels positive.

And despite all of that I'm mostly freaked out about weird material things, probably because I can exert some level of control - like what sort of diaper containment unit are we supposed to have? I think this is the big missing piece that we will need right away.

This is so excited!

Are you doing cloth or disposables? If the latter, I recommend this thing - http://www.amazon.com/Diaper-Dekor-Plus-Disposal-System/dp/B00005V6C8.

excitING

So exciting I cannot type

We always tossed pee diapers in the trash and walked poo diapers directly to the outdoor trashcan.

And yes, very excited for you joygoat. Best wishes to your family.

I guess you can use that thing for cloth diapers, too.

I have to say we have the Dekor thing but wound up just switching to regular garbage bags because the refills were so pricey, and I notice no difference in "odor control" or whatever. As soon as there's a poo diaper we take it to the garbage chute anyway.

Sleek, contemporary design holds up to 60 diapers fucking gross imo, that's like a week's worth of diapers, what kind of disgusting savages etc etc

If I was going to choose a diaper disposal system again, I'd go the How's Life route. Our Tommy Tippee Sangenic bin seemed cheap but we must have spent well over £100 on refill cartridges in the first nine months, and it'd be more if I wasn't constantly hunting down discounted packs.

Be wary of any product purporting to be a "system"

(XP) And great news, Joygoat, hope the next few weeks go as smoothly as possible for you.

We definitely don't pack that thing full of 60 dirty diapers. The way the refills are designed, you can seal off as many (well up to 60 I guess) or as few as you want and start fresh, so we basically take out diapers every time we take out the trash or whenever there is a particularly rough one.

I have read that people have good success with a metal step can with a lid (those Simple Human ones) and just regular trash bags, too, as far as keeping smell in and not getting trapped in a branded refill scam.

we do cloth diapers and have a kitchen-size trash bin with an easy-flip kind of lid, and we have this washable waterproof pail liner thing

we wash diapers every three or four days. Doesn't really smell unless it is super full and we know we need to wash them then

Btw good luck joygoat!

Taking a poopy diaper out to the outside trash every time would not be practical for us (picture a pile of frozen poop diapers piled up outside the back door waiting for someone to have time to shovel the back steps and the walkway to the alley where the trash cans are) but also in a pinch at other people's houses, we've just tied up poopy diapers in plastic grocery bags and they've been okay until we could properly take the trash out.

yeah I remember now the refills had that thing where you cut the bag and tie it off. Another thing I like about using trashbags instead is that we get the drawstring bags, so even easier to tie off.

never phrase anything as a question if they don't really have a choice.never phrase anything as a question if they don't really have a choice.never phrase anything as a question if they don't really have a choice.never phrase anything as a question if they don't really have a choice.never phrase anything as a question if they don't really have a choice.never phrase anything as a question if they don't really have a choice.never phrase anything as a question if they don't really have a choice.never phrase anything as a question if they don't really have a choice.never phrase anything as a question if they don't really have a choice.never phrase anything as a question if they don't really have a choice.never phrase anything as a question if they don't really have a choice.never phrase anything as a question if they don't really have a choice.never phrase anything as a question if they don't really have a choice.never phrase anything as a question if they don't really have a choice.never phrase anything as a question if they don't really have a choice.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

So, how was your morning?

I have no idea how much the refills are on our diaper thing. But it doesn't seem like we buy them that often.

lol tracer, +1000

My kid tried to give himself a haircut before school today. Said that this one chunk of hair wasn't doing what he wanted it to, so he chopped it off. This is like a week after I took him for a $20 trim at Hair Cuttery. So he's got all this beautiful 5-7" long hair and then a 1" plug right in front of his face.

I'm coming at this not only as a parent, but as someone who hasn't had hair in 15 years. Are we basically going to have to get it all shaved off?

http://i166.photobucket.com/albums/u120/kingkonggodzilla/chopchop_zps34043be8.png

xps: and lol at tracer. Yeah, I have a bad habit of doing that. "Why don't you go down and do the dishes?", etc. It really makes it sound like he has options when I intend it to be a (kind, gentle) order.

or, as the mom of some friends of mine said once, "tell, don't ask" which i thought was kind of rough until i had kids of my own. she sweetened that with her other golden rule which was "say no as little as possible"

"Are you ready to go to school?"
"NOOOOO! NO SCHOOL!"
"We're going to school."

omg how's life

that is amazing

one time i did the same thing and basically gave myself a bald spot on the top of my head

i wore a hat to school the next day and when my teacher told me to take it off i somehow managed to take him/her aside and "admit" that i had slept with gum in my hair (i hadn't) and had to chop off part of my hair (which i had done) and i was embarrassed, so could i wear the hat? it worked!

I cut my bangs the night before my eight grade school picture so that is memorialized forever before a faux bookshelf backdrop.

Thanks everyone.

I had a real freakout when I was looking at diaper things and realized they all had a system of refills you had to buy into and one of them only had vague "holds up to 72 diapers" and I have no idea if that's a lot or a little, or if that was for like one refill which seemed ridiculous and then I stepped back and remembered that my parents probably just tossed diapers into the woods behind our house and I turned out fine.

Kind of can't wait to actually have a baby around to give me something legit to freak out about instead of this weird limbo of waiting.

CONGRATS JOYGOAT

We finalized our adoption today so I'm pretty fucking stoked right now

Awesome!

fuck yeah adoption city :D

YAY!

CONGRATS DJP

i kind of teared up at your photo, no joke

This has made me really happy! You guys are amazing.

All the best and congrats, joy goat and djp. Fun times await! That's not sarcasm, by the way.

And we just use a biggish kitchen bin with a swinging lid to dump the disposable, compost able nappies we use in. If we empty it every 1 or 2 days there's no smell problem. Nice and cheap, which is good, because the compostaqble nappies are not.

why is my stupid kid always losing sweaters