ILX Parenting 5: I'm a big kid now

xps A co-author of the AAP statement tries to present a balanced view: http://archpedi.jamanetwork.com/article.aspx?articleid=1840251

There's also the question of actual learning from media (though the 'babysitting' side is totally valid and reasonable in moderation too!) If you Google 'vide0 deficit childr3n' you'll get summaries of a lot of research showing that young children find it difficult to learn from video. Here's the abstract of a paper on trying to get kids to learn more from video by introducing dialogic features, either via the parents or an on-screen actress: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23544859 - this person's work is all about trying to make e-books, apps and video more supportive of learning. And here's a paper on whether babies learn from specially targeted baby media: http://www.centenary.edu/attachments/psychology/journal/archive/feb2011journalclub.pdf

xps: oh man, my son just started a Love It or List It phase this weekend.

11 months. She'll be ONE YEAR OLD on November 18!

How did K do with the PT? xp

fwiw one of the things that changed my mind was that K actually DID seem to learn things from the videos she watched, so that made me think she was "ready" for it. Like she was constantly picking up words, shapes, colors, etc. She repeats stuff from Sesame Street all the time, and we talk about what happened in the episodes.

CA: the physical therapy was free through the city so we've stuck with it. Honestly I really don't like the physical therapist and neither does K afaict. She seems like a bitter woman. But she has given us some exercises to do with K that seem to help, and it's also just a good weekly reminder that we need to do a little extra with K, like take the stairs instead of the elevator as much as possible, games involving pushing and pulling, tell her to fix her legs when she sits, etc. I mean, K is progressing physically, I don't know if it's the therapy or not. She didn't walk until 18 months, was delayed in jumping, climbing, p much everything physical. Still falls a lot more than other kids. But she seems to LIKE running around and jumping and climbing now, and that makes me happy. I feel like as long as she finds it enjoyable rather than painful or embarrassing, she will keep trying to do it and keep progressing nicely. A couple weeks ago I saw her hang from a bar for the first time, which was really cool, and she looked so proud of herself too.

I had a lot of similar problems as a kid and my parents were more of the pretend it's not a problem school. And I think at least back then it was much worse for a boy to have these problems than a girl, maybe still is. So I'm trying to not put my head in the sand about it, especially since, hey, free services so why the hell not.

Aww, good for her!

This PT is through a state program but we don't qualify for the free services so it's billed to our insurance. I haven't met the therapist (there was some confusion about when the sessions would start so I wasn't there for the first one) but she's very sweet on the phone and Ivy (and my and Jeff's) favorite daycare teacher really liked her so that's good enough for me for now. I'm looking forward to participating in the next session so I can see how we should be playing with Ivy to help increase her strength.

I hear you about not wanting to put your head in the sand or revisit your difficulties on K. Ivy's always been at the low end of normal for physical development so we've advocated a wait and see approach, but the hands and knees crawling and the lack of pulling herself up is the first thing that she's been truly behind on, so we figure it can't hurt.

I have always been a physically timid, bookish, uncoordinated person, although my mom says that I walked at ten months. So who knows whether it was low tone or not. From all accounts, Jeff was a ball of non-stop energy who was always climbing things and falling out of trees and making crazy jumps and landing directly on his knees. Maybe it's a function of Ivy being a preemie? Not that it really matters, I guess. Just interesting to consider.

My wife was reportedly the fastest girl in her class and a valued member of the swim team.

Yeah, Jeff was a tennis star in high school and I quit trying out for sports and joined the drama club after being one of like two people cut from the field hockey team two years in a row.

I will have you all know that I lettered in band and drama, however.

Commando crawling is really common in households with slippery flooring apparently. A whole generation of UK kids is late to the hands-and-knees action, or skips it altogether, I've read. THANKS IKEA. We're about to move from a house with floorboards to a fully carpeted flat, so it'll be interesting to see if that affects F, who at 8.5 months is giving hints he might soon move on from the Roll Onto Tummy Then Struggle phase.

(irrelevant side question for hurting 2 - Is there like a general lawyers talking about being lawyers thread?)

we've erred on the side of caution re: screen time - basically none until almost age 2, with the intermittent emergency exposure to smartphone/tv programming while travelling or out in public (restaurant/theater performance etc.) My youngest has just in the last few weeks been exposed to TV programming (primarily Pee-Wee's Playhouse lol) he seems moderately into it and will wander up close to the screen for a bit and then go do something else. He will be 2 in January. Veronica didn't watch any TV at all except for one brief episode where she was up inexplicably puking in the middle of the night at about 1 1/2 so we let her watch TRON with us. When she was almost 2 we let her start watching Yo Gabba Gabba. These days her TV viewing is restricted to the weekends, between 2-4 hours spread over Friday night to Sunday night. And she gets to play video games on her nintendo or pad while on long car trips.

we've got screen time for our (almost) 4-year-old down to a movie once a week (almost invariably frozen but this is changing) and bugs bunny on sat. mornings for 30-45 min. she doesn't ask for more unless she's with her grandparents (of course!) or wants to look at photos of herself on the computer. she started with yo gabba gabba too and some sesame street though she never really got attached to either. she'll watch soccer with me occasionally but usually if it's on she ignores it.

Can't remember if I've said it here before, but an episode of Yo Gabba Gabba gives me time to shower if I need to get ready before F has had his first nap. So that's 23 minutes of screen once or twice a week. It pleases him greatly to see DJ Lance's giant face appear.

i'm not into the costumed whatever they are but dj lance is awesome.

feel like YGG is a p ingenious synthesis of various things the creators know will push this generation of parents' buttons - Mr. Rogers, Pee Wee's Playhouse, Gimme Gimme Octopus, a patina of hip hop

I know it's a cliche to say it, but Sesame Street continues to be really smartly written and there are a lot of subtle jokes and comic nuances aimed (I assume) at adults.

we like peter rabbit, word girl, daniel tiger's neighborhood, adventure time, dora (ugh), and of course frozen. daniel tiger's neighborhood has some really useful songs ("if you have to go potty - stop and go right away" super useful, also "you gotta try new foods cause they might taste good," and "if you feel so mad that you want to roar... take a deep breath and count to 4.")

Gro-ow-nups come back. Yeah we use those a lot. It's such a boring show though, can't stand to watch it with her.

I put a temporary moratorium on frozen viewing because she always seemed to have tantrums after, too intense.

grownups come back great too! such a useful show tbh.

Mr. Rogers was so much better, always visiting cool factories and shit

Now there are no factories to visit, only customer service call centers :(

sometimes they air vintage mr rogers episodes and we've recorded them for the kids -- some of the really early ones are pretty surreal, like pre-trolley live action plays.

dora = so much shouting

Veronica liked Frozen but the hypnosis-level obsession seems to have passed her by, she doesn't beg me to keep renting it or anything (she saw it once in the theater and once at home)

what she *does* keep asking me to watch are Justice League Animated Series episodes

xp

I generally love the nexus of drugs, new age spirituality and childrens programming found in the late 1970s. Early Sesame Street was just on a different plane.

daniel tiger's neighborhood has some really useful songs ("if you have to go potty - stop and go right away"

Need this song!

Ivy is currently ignoring the Bulls game.

I would very much like to murder at least half the characters on 'My Big, Big Friend'

So has anyone else dealt with an "I want...I don't want" tantrum? Like where they say "I want water" *gives water* "I don't want it!" *throws it down* "I want it!!!!" ad infinitum?

aka "psychological torture"

haha yes

fucking WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORST

they're testing you

Yeah I know. Usually my strategy is "I'm not playing this game" and walk away/ignore/etc, but long tantrums often ensue anyway.

tantrums must not be indulged, it just encourages the behavior

imo

"We do not negotiate with terrorists"

Oh yeah, I am definitely practicing non-indulgence doctrine. But lately they just go on anyway.

Perfect time to not feel guilty about staring at your phone!

When I see a tantrum in public, I try to signal the parent that it doesn't bother me and it's no big deal to me if their kid is screaming. Kids do that sometimes. Especially tired kids. (shrugs) It's no skin off my nose.

Nothing wrong with kids wearing themselves out with an emotional tirade imo, so long as all it nets them is they finally get tired of it and stop. Granted, tantrums can be very loud and very annoying, but what can you do? Physically trying to stop them, or pleading with them to stop, or threatening them to stop, is usually counterproductive. Bribing them to stop is so much worse.

I see it as a temporary regression to infancy, where screaming and crying is the only way an infant has to communicate. Kids who throw tantrums really aren't that far removed from infancy when you think about it.

When I see a tantrum in public, I try to signal the parent that it doesn't bother me and it's no big deal to me if their kid is screaming

yeah, it reflects more poorly on the kid than the parent imo (and not really that poorly depending on the age/circumstances/etc)

parents responding by indulging their child tho, they get a shoutout on my judging thread

also always just reminds me of this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1KgLrZuDng

other parents are much more forgiving of behavior (since they know it's common) than non-parents who get all huffy and ask u why you can't control yr kid

I always think of that Louis C.K. line "Now I think 'what did that shitty kid do to that poor mother'"

When you say don't indulge it, you mean don't give the kid the thing she's having the tantrum about, right? Like, "I want Cheerios!" "Here are your Cheerios." "I don't want Cheerios, I want toast!" "Here are your Cheerios." As opposed to making toast (which if I understand this particular illogical phase of toddlerhood correctly, the toddler would probably also reject).

Because I have read that sometimes with a kid has a tantrum you should hug it out with them, if they'll let you. Does that actually work?

Or maybe not does it work, but does it make it worse in your all's parenting experience?

depends on the source of the anger/frustration but at times giving my girl a bearhug (with some quiet talking) calms her down immensely. at other times, she's liable to get louder, more physical. though she doesn't do this nearly as much as other kids.

she's almost four and sometimes i think she still needs to be swaddled.

there's hardly a hard and fast rule about what will calm kids down, that's gonna vary depending upon the kid, the situation etc.

When you say don't indulge it, you mean don't give the kid the thing she's having the tantrum about, right? Like, "I want Cheerios!" "Here are your Cheerios." "I don't want Cheerios, I want toast!" "Here are your Cheerios." As opposed to making toast

yeah if they're just screaming and yelling and being wildly inconsistent/irrational, don't just keep trying to please them by meeting their whimsical demands, because then they will just keep asking for more/different crap. and the next time they want something, they know that throwing a fit is the way to get it. generally speaking.

There are times when the hug/killing the anger with love approach works, but not always. As with most parenting things, I find there is literally nothing that always works. Part of why I've started to hate parenting "method" books.