ILX Parenting 5: I'm a big kid now

ffm OTM, esp the part about reverence for a fetus/disdain for real ppl (but great reverence for corporations-as-people).

And I was trying to make a joke about good baseball teams and the Cubs but I realized I have no idea if the Cubs are doing well.

They aren't.

We got a management alert about the new EEOC regs that explains:

While the EEOC Guidance does not have the force of law, and the ultimate propriety of its position will be determined by the Supreme Court and Congress, any guidance document is a directive to EEOC investigators and attorneys, this is the standard under which the EEOC will conduct its investigations.

Loose diapers are a scourge upon humanity

There's an ice-cream van which parks right outside our house and plays its creepy-ass tune really loudly every afternoon at nap time and it wakes the baby every time and it is WELL ANNOYING.

I would take a billion creepy ice cream vans over having a baby poop out of his diaper and directly into my lap again. The only saving grace was that I hadn't showered for work yet.

I've never been directly pooped on but last week I picked Ivy up out of the pack and play only to find that her back, arms, and legs were covered in poop. By the time I figured it out, I too, was covered in poop.

I've always had a horror/phobia of bodily fluids but so far it is working out like people said in that I'm pretty accustomed to getting barfed/pooped/peed/slobbered on and I mean, while I would prefer not to cuddle an poop-covered baby I feel like I handled it all in stride.

Similarly, Jeff emailed me today from work to tell me that he had baby barf on his pants cuff.

yeah for a couple weeks of baby fluids i was perpetually like

http://media.giphy.com/media/IqyzCxfhAyoKI/giphy.gif

but now it's like

http://www.asianjunkie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/BarackObamaDirtOffYourShoulder.gif

irl LOL

I thought I was cool with anything but I think it was the combo of innocent farting followed by a wet ripper with instant wetness on my leg, and then looking down to see his diaper was super loose and low-riding and that there was a Pool of Shit collecting in my robe from where it had slid off of my leg and realizing I couldn't stand up without dumping baby poop directly onto the living room rug and trying to figure out how to maneuver a baby I couldn't put down without leaving shit stains everywhere so I could remove the robe without befouling the furniture or dislocating my shoulders and then the SMELL hit me

This all happened in the middle of this morning's feeding btw

Erm, how did the nappy get loose? I guess I'm lucky - the only time I've been shat on it was a tiny seed of poop fired out during a change which hit me in the cleavage. The pee fountain was a frequent occurrence however, and continues to make the occasional appearance even now.

Never #2'ed on. But I was puked on, shirt, tie, pants while on the bus to daycare. That was fun.

I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THE DIAPER GOT LOOSE

All I know is that I usually strap that bad boy on like a corset and my wife gently puts it on like a crotch shawl, only I could tell that because the front wasn't folded over that I was responsible for this diaper instead of her. I'm pretending that maybe the diaper tape stretched while he slept?

innocent farting followed by a wet ripper with instant wetness on my leg
innocent farting followed by a wet ripper with instant wetness on my leg
innocent farting followed by a wet ripper with instant wetness on my leg
innocent farting followed by a wet ripper with instant wetness on my leg
innocent farting followed by a wet ripper with instant wetness on my leg
innocent farting followed by a wet ripper with instant wetness on my leg
innocent farting followed by a wet ripper with instant wetness on my leg

Hehe, that must be it. (XP)

your whole post DJP and not just that phrase is just wonderfully written

yours too madchen

I just had to reach into a toilet full of poop and pee to determine whether a butt had been wiped with toilet paper or a non-flushable baby wipe. 3 year old just couldn't give me a straight answer. It was in fact TP. Oh well. I haven't bought diapers in weeks and I've never felt more wealthy.

oh man

I thought diaper blowouts were super common and inevitable!

Well there's blowouts and there's having a baby crap directly on your lap...

my baby nephew threw up in my lap, and peed in my face... missed the poop train thank god

godbless to all of you so annointed

I remember a few horrifying blowouts, but thankfully I've blocked most of the worst of it out of my memory. (Except for that one time the day after she ate a bowl of pickled onions, omg.) I do remember that babies peeing in the bath are the happiest people alive.

Well there's blowouts and there's having a baby crap directly on your lap...

OTM

this story is probably in this thread but i don't wanna ctrl+f so:

this time last year, we were in austin with my brother and our friend. 7 month old baby bison in my lap while we ate lunch. i dont know why it bears reminding, but a fully-clothed child, no less.

im tucking into some pancakes without a summer care in the world until i see that ive been shot by his asshole. breastfed baby poop all over my lap, permanently ruining a pair of jeans and a shirt. he shat so hard that it blew out his own clothes and onto mine.

i went into the men's room to change him, but nothing remotely close to a changing table. i was tryina change this crying child's diaper on the fucking bathroom floor like pioneer times until my wife was like "we bought you a shirt, let me take him, you wretched soul." and she changed him in the car like a sane person wouldve done.

I hate when men's rooms don't have changing tables.

Me, too!

We don't need one. Just balance them on the back of the toilet.

I can't stop thinking about this, which a friend brought to my attention last week.

http://imgace.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/This-might-just-be-the-saddest-doodle-Ive-ever-seen1.jpg

Oof.

wau

I want to give the child who drew that a hug and a book deal

I'm kind of skeptical that was drawn by a child

well, that picture ruined my day

I sat outside evie's room with "do you want to build a snowman" on a loop for an hour and she was still awake and now I'm insane

looool

let it go, is my advice

Heh.

RIP NA. He couldn't let it go.

I sat outside evie's room with "do you want to build a snowman" on a loop for an hour and she was still awake and now I'm insane

http://f.cl.ly/items/3J333f00362h1x2D0O0S/frozen-snowman.jpg

does recorded music usually put evie to sleep? with my kids it just makes them jump around even more

I better get my raver baby mix together now

Early on, Stet put together a Spotify playlist of things which F seemed to like and it now has a magickal effect at troublesome bed/nap times because nine times out of ten it goes Guns of Brixton > Under Pressure > Ashes to Ashes > honk shoo.

aw, we're "honk shoo" people! I first heard of it when I was reading some book to my daughter. Never heard that before in my life, but I like it better than any other snoring onomatopoeia.

does recorded music usually put evie to sleep? with my kids it just makes them jump around even more

― TracerHandVEVO (Tracer Hand), Tuesday, July 29, 2014 6:40 AM (4 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I don't think it makes much difference, if she's hyper she wants to dance but if she's sleepy it doesn't keep her from sleeping. The one slight positive is it sometimes keeps her quiet, even if she's not falling asleep.

When she was a baby I would play "Little Bird" by Elizabeth Mitchell on a loop because it seemed to help her fall asleep. I rigged up the iPod dock so it would play all night in hopes of getting her to sleep through the night but then I got worried that this would make her go crazy so I stopped doing it.

I did kind of lose it last night after sitting out there in an uncomfortable chair listening to that song for an hour and she was still wide awake. I felt bad, I just lost my patience. But we do need to work on her going to sleep without one of us (me) hanging out in the hallway.

"we need to work on" in parenting is a sad resignation

ie I feel your pain

I'm sure this has been discussed before, but what is the consensus on flying with an infant, lap or their own seat with car seat? We were just going to do lap for an upcoming trip, but now I'm all paranoid about it. Even holding her in our lap, I know that the likelihood of something happening to injure her is very low on the plane. The drive to and from the airport is more dangerous than a flight would be. I could pay $263 more and get her own seat.

I'm also paranoid about checking the car seat, for fear that it will have some invisible structural damage from the friendly airline employees tossing it about.

you are a little paranoid dude!

but seriously though i wouldn't worry about the checking a car seat. those things are pretty sturdy.

and how old is your infant? we are cheapskates so we have never paid for the extra seat. but once J was old enough to be crawling we would pray that an adjacent seat would be vacant. when you have a screaming kid who is crawling and playing everywhere it is really nice to have the extra seat, we've been lucky enough on a few flights and it made a big difference.

and J hates the car seat enough as it is so we never felt like strapping him into a car seat on a plane