ILX Parenting 5: I'm a big kid now

(although if we're talking about circumcision fallout, it's semi-amusing/concerning to me that medical professionals look at D's circumcision and say "oh that's a very good circ, well done to whomever did it" and I keep thinking "when is it going to stop looking like a deformed flesh replica of Teen Titans Tower")

I wonder what it's like to work in the circumcision dept at the hospital. Just constant, terrified howling 8-hrs a day.

(swelling goes down in about a week iirc)

well that's good to know seeing as it was done 3.5 months ago

ok that's a little alarming

I mean I'm exaggerating some but not that much?

That sounds properly terrifying to me. I expected us to have freakouts on the reg, but thankfully the only real one so far has been the time we panicked when F was crying hard and we spotted this huge red bruise-looking thing on the side of his head.

It was only when I was cuddling him to try and soothe him did I notice in the mirror that the red mark was in the exact spot where he was rubbing his head hard against my stubble.

(And he was crying for no reason other than he's a baby.)

We had to give our part-time nanny notice today. We actually all cried, although I'm sure for different reasons. Gave her over a month's notice and we're giving her a months' severance when she leaves and helping her find a job. K is gonna start preschool - MIL can't help as much anymore and we can't afford full time nanny. It's strange -- you let someone into your home like 25 hrs a week for over a year, let them stay alone with your daughter, they develop a relationship, and then it has to end. Feel kind of sad about it, also feel sad for the nanny whose life is a lot harder than ours and hope she finds work quickly.

We're moving to a new apartment at the end of the month and it's no big deal until I think about how Evie has never lived anywhere else in her life, which is kind of crazy. But she's being a trooper about it.

so uh this is one of my in-laws parenting website (he does security for the state dept/his wife is an FBI agent):

http://protectivepapa.com/

Sorry, Hurting. I actually met a nanny today, she asked me if I was August's nanny. I didn't like that question, not at all. I know August has fairer skin than me especially now that it is summer and I seem to darken with every step I take outside but I feel we look like mother and daughter. Anyway, she was nice and there are many nannies in that neighborhood. She got on the phone and was trying to secure housing starting in November because that is when she will be moving on, that's what I overheard. I actually thought of you and this board because I knew you had a nanny and logged on tonight and well...you are having to say good bye to your nanny.

This is interesting, especially the requirement for equal paternity leave, but I don't know how binding it is. Is this like a law or just best practices?

http://consumerist.com/2014/07/17/eeoc-updates-rules-protecting-pregnant-workers-for-first-time-in-30-years/

Also should I forward this to my work's HR dept or will it sound like I'm going to sue if they don't give me paternity leave

from that article xp:

Lactation is a covered pregnancy-related medical condition, which means it has all the protections under the law as other conditions.

i am 200% for lactating mothers being granted protections, but is it kind of fucked to call lactation a "medical condition?"

i mean i get for the purposes of the law that it makes sense to label it as such to ensure it is protected

Under the PDA, leave related to pregnancy, childbirth, or related medical conditions may be limited to women affected by those conditions, but parental leave must be provided to similarly situated men and women on the same terms. If, for example, an employer extends leave to new mothers beyond the period of recuperation from childbirth, it cannot lawfully refuse to provide an equivalent amount of leave to new fathers for the same purpose. In addition, the FMLA requires covered employers to provide 12 weeks of job-protected leave for covered employees to care for and bond with a newborn baby or a recently adopted child.

So it sounds like if the company gives leave "to new mothers beyond the period of recuperation from childbirth," they have to give the same amount to new fathers. I'd have to figure out if my organization does that. They give 6 weeks of maternity leave. no idea if that's all considered "the period of recuperation from childbirth."

It's the same way that the law classifies pregnancy as a disability. The easiest way to get these laws on the books is to use the existing linguistic framework. Using terms like "disability" and "medical condition" also conveys that for all that pregnancy and lactation are natural and should not be pathologized, they do require accommodation and should be treated as seriously as other disabilities and medical conditions.

Those rules are "enforcement guidance," so basically it's the EEOC saying to employers, "Here's what you need to do to avoid the EEOC finding against you if an employee files a complaint." Not laws, but EEOC's conclusions about how the laws work in practice. All complaints against employers for violating federal discrimination laws have to start at the EEOC (or the equivalent state agency). The EEOC does an investigation and issues a cause finding (the employer violated the law) or no cause finding (the employer didn't). Only once they issue that finding can the complainant file a lawsuit in court. They can file the lawsuit regardless of what the EEOC finds, but obviously it's better for the case if the EEOC determines there was discrimination. Sometimes the EEOC will file a lawsuit on behalf of the complainant if the facts and circumstances match whatever the EEOC's mission is for that particular period of time.

So if an employee files a complaint, the EEOC issues a cause finding, and the employee sues in federal court, the employer could argue that the EEOC's enforcement guidelines were contrary to the law.

Also when my nipples are on fire and my boobs are sore and two cup sizes bigger than normal and I've got milk leaking through all of my clothes, I'm totally willing to call lactation a medical condition.

But back to the EEOC, reasonable employers will look at those guidelines and change their policies accordingly even though they are also going to bitch about them. Meanwhile, somewhere there is an employer-side law firm waiting for their client to get sued in the perfect test case to challenge the EEOC rules in court.

So it sounds like if the company gives leave "to new mothers beyond the period of recuperation from childbirth," they have to give the same amount to new fathers. I'd have to figure out if my organization does that. They give 6 weeks of maternity leave. no idea if that's all considered "the period of recuperation from childbirth."

― Immediate Follower (NA), Thursday, July 17, 2014 5:37 PM (17 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I'm making an educated guess here (what am I a fucking lawyer or something?), especially because I haven't read these too closely, but "the period of recuperation from childbirth" is probably going to be medical disability covered under your employer's short-term disability policy or FMLA leave policy. FMLA leave is usually three months. STD leave is going to vary from policy to policy. For STD benefits, you have to provide medical support for continued disability, although there may be something in the policy that says they will grant 12 weeks of post-partum STD benefits as a matter of course. I don't know if this means that paternity leave would have to be any leave provided beyond what's available under an STD plan or FMLA plan, or if the fact that an employer offers 6 weeks of paid maternity leave would count.

na does the maternity leave apply to parents with children placed for adoption? That might be the hook that gets you paternity leave.

It's probably worth forwarding that information with a gently presented question asking whether they currently have or plan to provide paternity leave.

na does the maternity leave apply to parents with children placed for adoption?

It doesn't in MA, FYI.

My work currently has no paternity leave, outside of whatever PTO you choose to use yourself.

y'all need to move to California

6 weeks off, paid at 60% of your salary iirc, mandated by the Family Medical Leave Act

My company's health insurance is based in CA and we had to point out to them that it was illegal in MA to not cover fertility treatments as part of medical insurance, at which point they grudgingly gave us a lifetime allotment of... $5000? $6000 dollars? (can't remember now) to put towards fertility treatments. (btw the average cost of an IVF cycle is $8000 before factoring in medication)

For comparison in the UK you get 'statutory' maternity leave for a set amount of time plus whatever extra your company wants to give you. It's not uncommon to take a year off, which I'm doing - several months fully paid, several months on stat pay (prob about 25% of wages??) and several months unpaid.
Paternity leave is about 2 weeks and a portion of that is 90% pay (I think), plus whatever your company gives you.

But they are bringing in (or have already) the option to share the 'statutory' part between the mum and dad as you see fit. So if dad could use some of the mum's leave (outside of company-specific extras)

Statutory Maternity Pay (SMP) is paid for up to 39 weeks. You get:

90% of your average weekly earnings (before tax) for the first 6 weeks
£138.18 or 90% of your average weekly earnings (whichever is lower) for the next 33 weeks

FMLA is federal and provides 12 months of unpaid leave to address serious medical conditions of you or a family member or childbirth or the placement of a child for adoption (for mothers or fathers). So as long as your employer is big enough and you've worked for them long enough, you can gave three months off unpaid as maternity leave or adoption placement leave. http://www.dol.gov/whd/regs/compliance/whdfs28f.pdf

Any kind of paid leave is going to be either at the behest of a state law (as in California) or your employer.

sorry yeah the applicable California law I meant to refer to is Paid Family Leave

I'm taking a year off too. My work is reasonably generous so I get four weeks on full pay, two weeks on 90%, 10 weeks on 50% plus statutory pay and just statutory after that up to 39 weeks. Nothing thereafter. The best bit is I still accrue my six weeks of annual leave while I'm off so I have six weeks on full pay again before setting foot in the office, or alternatively I can work 30 four-day weeks before going back to full time.

I really feel for anyone who has to go back to work with a six-week-old baby, that's when the worst knackeredness backlog has accumulated.

I think I tried to get carl agatha to marry me before giving birth so that she could enjoy the benefits of Canadian maternity leave - I'm so sorry for all you guys having to scrounge to even get six weeks! I'm constantly amazed at the reverence given to a fetus (abortion, birth control, etc) by lawmakers but the second a child is alive they're just all "screw you, and screw your parents too" by gouging you with huge medical bills and daycare and little PTO. Ugh.

but at least we have freedom and good basketball teams

ffm OTM, esp the part about reverence for a fetus/disdain for real ppl (but great reverence for corporations-as-people).

And I was trying to make a joke about good baseball teams and the Cubs but I realized I have no idea if the Cubs are doing well.

They aren't.

We got a management alert about the new EEOC regs that explains:

While the EEOC Guidance does not have the force of law, and the ultimate propriety of its position will be determined by the Supreme Court and Congress, any guidance document is a directive to EEOC investigators and attorneys, this is the standard under which the EEOC will conduct its investigations.

Loose diapers are a scourge upon humanity

There's an ice-cream van which parks right outside our house and plays its creepy-ass tune really loudly every afternoon at nap time and it wakes the baby every time and it is WELL ANNOYING.

I would take a billion creepy ice cream vans over having a baby poop out of his diaper and directly into my lap again. The only saving grace was that I hadn't showered for work yet.

I've never been directly pooped on but last week I picked Ivy up out of the pack and play only to find that her back, arms, and legs were covered in poop. By the time I figured it out, I too, was covered in poop.

I've always had a horror/phobia of bodily fluids but so far it is working out like people said in that I'm pretty accustomed to getting barfed/pooped/peed/slobbered on and I mean, while I would prefer not to cuddle an poop-covered baby I feel like I handled it all in stride.

Similarly, Jeff emailed me today from work to tell me that he had baby barf on his pants cuff.

yeah for a couple weeks of baby fluids i was perpetually like

http://media.giphy.com/media/IqyzCxfhAyoKI/giphy.gif

but now it's like

http://www.asianjunkie.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/BarackObamaDirtOffYourShoulder.gif

irl LOL

I thought I was cool with anything but I think it was the combo of innocent farting followed by a wet ripper with instant wetness on my leg, and then looking down to see his diaper was super loose and low-riding and that there was a Pool of Shit collecting in my robe from where it had slid off of my leg and realizing I couldn't stand up without dumping baby poop directly onto the living room rug and trying to figure out how to maneuver a baby I couldn't put down without leaving shit stains everywhere so I could remove the robe without befouling the furniture or dislocating my shoulders and then the SMELL hit me

This all happened in the middle of this morning's feeding btw

Erm, how did the nappy get loose? I guess I'm lucky - the only time I've been shat on it was a tiny seed of poop fired out during a change which hit me in the cleavage. The pee fountain was a frequent occurrence however, and continues to make the occasional appearance even now.

Never #2'ed on. But I was puked on, shirt, tie, pants while on the bus to daycare. That was fun.

I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THE DIAPER GOT LOOSE

All I know is that I usually strap that bad boy on like a corset and my wife gently puts it on like a crotch shawl, only I could tell that because the front wasn't folded over that I was responsible for this diaper instead of her. I'm pretending that maybe the diaper tape stretched while he slept?

innocent farting followed by a wet ripper with instant wetness on my leg
innocent farting followed by a wet ripper with instant wetness on my leg
innocent farting followed by a wet ripper with instant wetness on my leg
innocent farting followed by a wet ripper with instant wetness on my leg
innocent farting followed by a wet ripper with instant wetness on my leg
innocent farting followed by a wet ripper with instant wetness on my leg
innocent farting followed by a wet ripper with instant wetness on my leg

Hehe, that must be it. (XP)

your whole post DJP and not just that phrase is just wonderfully written

yours too madchen

I just had to reach into a toilet full of poop and pee to determine whether a butt had been wiped with toilet paper or a non-flushable baby wipe. 3 year old just couldn't give me a straight answer. It was in fact TP. Oh well. I haven't bought diapers in weeks and I've never felt more wealthy.