ILX Parenting 5: I'm a big kid now

So after today it seems like I might be a father in two weeks? Could still fall through but damn this is pretty fast and with very little lead time.

!

that's amazing, joygoat - i hope it all goes smoothly and congrats to you and your wife!!

hurrah!

Thanks! I'm not going to truly believe it until the hearing where the birth parents give up their right (after which everything else is basically a formality) but still, unless something changes this is going to probably happen. Not having nine months to prep for this means I've got some reading to do.

I wouldn't worry too much - Dr Google is always there for you. Congratulations :)

Whoa awesome! Congratulations!

http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/shouts/2014/03/new-parenting-study-released.html

i am not wired properly to be pleasant if some rando tries to give me shit abt whatever the hell i am doing with my kid, so im kinda hoping to skip that moment

My parent-friends on fb were loling abt this today

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4968226?utm_hp_ref=tw

How to Put a Toddler to Bed in 100 Easy Steps
Honest Toddler03/21/14 11:34 AM ET
1. Announce that it's time to go to bed.
2. Wait for your toddler to stop crying.
3. Explain that bedtime is not a punishment.
4. Explain that bedtime is not a new concept.
5. Explain that, yes, bedtime will happen every night.
6. Console your toddler.
7. Announce that it's still bedtime.
8. Let your toddler know that we don't call names in this house.
9. Tell your toddler it's time to go upstairs.
10. Watch your toddler move at a snail's pace.
11. Wait for your toddler to stop crying.
12. Pick up your toddler.
13. Walk your toddler upstairs.
14. Pick out the wrong pair of pajamas for your toddler.
15. Pick out another wrong pair of pajamas for your toddler.
16. Explain that the right pair of pajamas are in the wash.
17. Explain that you will not be doing a load of laundry this evening.
18. Console your toddler while he/she cries.
19 Explain that in this house we don't call names.
20. Watch your toddler struggle to get into his/her pajamas.
21. Ask your toddler if you can help.
22. Continue watching your toddler struggle.
23. Watch your toddler try to wear a pair of pants like a shirt.
24. Console your toddler.
25. Put the wrong pair of pajamas on your toddler.
26. Announce that it's time to brush teeth.
27. Explain the benefits of dental hygiene.
28. Console your toddler.
29. Carry your toddler into the bathroom.
30. Put a microscopic amount of toothpaste (poison) onto the toddler toothbrush.
31. Wet toothbrush.
32. When your toddler opens his/her mouth 1/45th of an inch wide, attempt to clean teeth.
33. Your toddler will attempt to spit in the sink, but will actually spit on the counter. Clean it up.
34. Console your toddler.
35. Ask your toddler to pick out two books.
36. Toddler will pick out the two longest books in your home.
37. Read the first line of every third page of the two books.
38. Field unrelated questions and interruptions.
39. Tell toddler it's time for a good night kiss.
40. Toddler will be suddenly and urgently thirsty, give toddler a small drink of water.
41. Toddler will ask a question. Answer question.
42. Say "good night" and kiss toddler.
43. Toddler will ask for a hug. Hug toddler.
44. Toddler will take up a sudden interest in potty training and ask to use the bathroom. It's poop.
45. Help toddler in the bathroom. Notice that there is no poop.
46. Toddler may become afraid. Assure toddler that there is nothing to be afraid of.
47. Toddler will ask a question about life. Answer question.
48. Toddler will need another hug and kiss. Give hug and kiss.
49. Toddler needs to urinate. Help toddler in the bathroom. Notice that toddler actually urinates.
50. Toddler requires a sticker for urinating successfully.
51. Put a sticker on toddler's potty chart.
52. Toddler may want to tell you a brief 10-minute story. Listen to story while backing out of the room.
53. Turn off the light.
54. Toddler remembers that he/she needs a special stuffed animal.
55. Ask where the stuffed animal is.
56. Toddler tells you it's in the car. Find your keys and look in the car. It's not there.
57. Look in the living room.
58. Look in the kitchen.
59. Look in the backyard.
60. Scout the neighbor's property.
61. Find the toy in your toddler's room, under the bed.
62. Ask toddler if he/she knew the toy was under their bed.
63. Toddler will ask for dinner. Explain to toddler that dinner ended hours ago.
64. Toddler will cry that he/she is hungry. Explain to toddler that he/she should have eaten said dinner.
65. Explain that we do not call people in this house names.
66. Toddler will ask for hug and kiss. Hug and kiss toddler.
67. Toddler will ask you to help arrange his/her pillows and blankets. Arrange pillows and blankets.
68. Toddler will ask you three essay questions. Answer them.
69. Toddler will notice that the tag end of the blanket is next to his/her face and will kick it off. Fix blanket, this time with care and precision.
70. Toddler will ask for the hall light on. Turn on the hall light.
71. Toddler will ask for another story. Explain that there will be no more stories.
72. Toddler will ask what the plan for tomorrow is. Resist the urge to say, "I won't be here. I'm running away tonight."
73. Tell toddler "good night."
74. Toddler will say his/her back, legs or butt is itchy.
75. At your discretion, try to relieve itchiness through lotion or wipes.
76. Put toddler back in bed.
77. Arrange blanket in the proper formation.
78. Say good night.
79. Toddler will say "good night."
80. As you reach the door, toddler will inform you that he/she is not wearing socks.
81. Choose the wrong pair of socks for your toddler.
82. Choose another wrong pair of socks for your toddler.
83. Choose the right pair of socks for your toddler.
84. Put the right pair of socks the wrong way on your toddler's feet.
85. Put the right pair of socks the wrong way on your toddler's feet.
86. Get the right pair of socks the right way on your toddler's feet.
87. Use your last thread of energy to stand.
88. Say "good night."
89. Toddler will say "good night."
90. As you leave the room, toddler will ask for a sip of water with pathetic sad look on face.
91. Give toddler sip of water and beg to be released from this Hades.
92. Toddler will ask for a back rub/tapping.
93. Tap toddler's back until you lose feeling in your arm and your toddler seems tired.
94. Slowly stop tapping. Stand up. Try to float out of the room.
95. Toddler will look at you. Say, "it's time to go to bed."
96. If toddler cries, pretend to be serious this time.
97. Say "good night."
98. Act like you're walking downstairs but just linger by the door, out of sight.
99. Pray.
100. Walk downstairs.

You may now relax for 2-5 minutes before you're called back in. Congrats!

The Honest Toddler: A Child's Guide to Parenting is out in paperback April 22, 2014.

A real parent doesn't have time to read all that.

into honest toddler, but pplains made that so much funnier

lol otm

i say that as someone wresting away a moment for myself at the only time i possibly can: when it's nearly 11, ive done all my chores, and my wife and son have been asleep for nearly 2 hours

"asleep"

I <3 Honest Toddler.

All right I got my free diapers in the mail! Of course I have to fill out another survey after I use them, plus live with the guilt that I'm using my precious baby as a marketing test subject.

This morning K wanted banana. First, she rejected the whole banana, in the peel. Then she rejected the piece I broke off for her because it was not "big". Then I tried to give her what was left of the still-in-peel part. Also no good. So then I broke off a "big" piece and she said NO! So, almost ready to give up, I broke the "big" piece into two unequal pieces. Now she was happy.

The speed with which an upper respiratory ailment can travel from Ivy's daycare to my body is astounding.

xp, giving J bananas is the worst. there is a 1 in 10 chance he will actually eat it, 9 times out of 10 i have mushy, mashed banana that i can either throw it to waste or eat it. i don't like wasting food but i hate eating mashed bananas

I had banana rejection yesterday! She's normally a big banana eater, but I gave her one with a big brown spot on it and she flat-out refused. So I grabbed one from a newer bunch of bananas and she totally scrutinized it so that I'd have to bite off even the slightest discoloration that might resemble a brown spot. And she didn't like when I bit off a small spot from the side, so I ended up taking these huge bites. Oh well. At least she got some of it.

Oh and to cap it all off, about ten minutes later she apparently still had a bite of banana in her mouth, which she didn't want to swallow for whatever reason, so she spit it back up into my palm.

haha

the look michael throws at me when mashed banana is attempted is astounding. squash also appears to come across as a grave insult.

i did trick him into eating the aquash by eating my own bowl of orange mush (awesome orange much, shakshuka, not squash because i am not a gross animal). as a result i am considering sitting down with 2 spoons, a bowl of mashed banana for him, and a bowl of hummus for me. parenting appears to be a series of well-meaning lies.

well that series of typos and misspellings belies how much dude slept last night yikes

i love squash but shakshuka sounds fucking amazing, thanks dude

always on the lookout for good breakfasts, i make huevos rancheros and breakfast tacos a lot and shakshuka seems to have a similar vibe

oh man we eat it at least once a week, its the best

you have a good recipe?

my father in law makes a great shakshuka. TBH it tastes pretty different from huevos rancheros because it's so much more tomatoey and stewier.

ill dig up our recipe when i get home!

my vague memory is that you basically just simmer some canned tomatoes and a little olive oil and whatever else you want to put in (bell peppers, spices, etc.) and you drop in the eggs and just leave them to cook in the stew (don't stir them).

thanks jjj and hurting

you want to do it in a deep pan and with enough tomato and liquid that the eggs are really sitting in it, if that makes sense.

yea i was picturing a deep cast iron skillet

yeah we use a le creuset that we got from our registry

http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2010/04/shakshuka/

I prefer peppers with a little more firepower than in that recipe. Also, it is so bomb when eaten with Trader Joe's garlic naan.

that recipe looks delicious

Seems I make it to ILX once a week if not every ten days.

I am kept busy. I feel I need to read books. When I was pregnant I read everything I could about pregnancy and baby until age 2. August will be two in 24 days and I feel I need to read up on toddler stuff, like behavior, activities, all of that. I have stuff online and books in mind but no time to read. Been sleeping soundly these past few days, thanks to CS Sleepytime Tea (I swear) and the thought of staying up past my bedtime to catch up on reading and other projects just isn't appealing because I am loving how it feels in the morning after a great night of solid sleep. I don't know if I am sleep nursing, don't care.

estela:That story, geeeez, ugh!

joygoat: I guess you have a week or so left? Great to hear, congratulations!!!!

Made shakshuka for the family last night and it was a huge hit!

haha i made it for breakfast this morning and it was awesome

sweet!

I had only known this dish by the name "Eggs in Hell" -- not sure which I like better now.

So uh Michael has learned to whistle

I mean not well or anything, but it's super weird. I brought this on myself by using whistling songs at him to calm him down - freaked me out the first time he did it.

joygoat: I guess you have a week or so left? Great to hear, congratulations!!!!

So yeah this isn't going to happen. Long story, all makes sense on some level, could have been much worse (say, if the kid had already been born), but it still sucks.

Time wise it is actually kind of a mixed blessing and it will happen sometime in the next 12 months, hopefully.

Damn, sorry to hear that dude.

jjj, that's pretty amazing actually.

I'm sorry, jg. That's so disappointing. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

We switched to a Beco Gemini carrier and it's like a million times better than the Ergo we had. This could be life changing.