ILX Parenting 5: I'm a big kid now

when V gets really upset/angry sometimes she will launch into these sort of semi-nonsensical threats that I have a hard time not laughing at. like "if you don't let me ____, I'm going to take all my toys and throw them out the window!" sure kid, whatever you say

usually evie says "i'm NOT going to INVITE you to my PARTY! you're not going to get ANY TREATS!" which she obv picked up at school

Ours repeats our threats to him. It's hard to hear a three-year-old threatening you "I'm going to count to three. One ... two ... two-and-a-half" without laughing.

Our kid plays outside unsupervised with a group of other mixed-age local kids (between 6 and 13 or so). I know from going back to my parents' neighborhood, where I once ran amok with a similar group of hellions, that that's not the case everywhere. I guess both he and we are lucky. He's got those pickup football games, he's got tree-climbing, he's got both elementary school love drama and running around playing zombies/superheroes and pretending that sticks are guns or whatever.

OK, re: our local group of kids. There was a huge blow-up yesterday. I strolled out to the park after work with my toddler and all the kids were bickering. Apparently, one of the little kids made fun of a bigger kids hair, so one of the bigger kids made fun of that kids hair, prompting his big sister to step in, which just started everybody hollering at each other. I just wanted to play My Little Ponies with my kid, so I left them to sort their own shit out, but it kept getting worse and worse.

Eventually, I saw out of the corner of my eye that one kid was backing this girl into a corner and throwing sticks at her. This seemed like an unreasonable enough boundary to cross that it required adult intervention, so I hollered at him. I told him to cut out the bullshit and that in no fucking way was throwing sticks at someone acceptable and to apologize to the girl. He apologized. All the kids quieted down. But then some fucking guy from down the street, who wasn't even there with the kids, yelled at me (from like, his backyard or a window or something - I didn't even see the guy), saying "you should apologize to those kids for talking to them that way!" It was funny, to me and the kids. I think we all realized that this dude was out-of-line and not minding his own business. The rest of the evening was a breeze. There was still drama, but they cooled off and stopped yelling at each other.

Anyway, imo if you're old enough to back someone into a corner and throw sticks at them, you're old enough to get cussed out for it. Could I have done better? I'm in an awkward position at that park in that often the kids are unsupervised other than me or my wife. Like, we have our 3-year-old, who we're there to supervise, and mour 9-year-old, who plays there with his buddies. I end up calling my boy out on stuff that other kids wouldn't get called out on because their parents just aren't there. It's weird and I don't like being put in the position of "playground monitor" and normally don't intervene, but last night the bullshit just got out of hand.

General rule is it's not a great plan to swear at kids but otherwise sounds like you were in the right.

yeah you did good

Yeah, we are perhaps more easygoing about swearing in my family than in the populace at large.

Yeah us too although I do worry about that rubbing off on Dalton esp. at school. My wife said "shit" really loudly this weekend and Dalton keep asking her "what is shit" over and over (even after she told him and I introduced all
sorts of other exciting new ways of saying poop--caca, crap, mierde, BM, excrement, etc.)

When we sent our boy to school, we told him not to swear and that if he accidentally did and got called out for it, to tell them he learned it from his grandfather.

Lol

Grandpa agreed to the scheme too: "Send 'em to me. I'll show them my Purple Heart." Fortunately, we've taught him well enough about discretion and the appropriate social situations for cursing that it has never been a problem.

Okay, I'm definitely using that approach when the time comes. This kid's grandparents live in different states so they need never know...

I am so bad with swears. I unthinkingly yelled "FUCK YOU" at a birthday party full of children a couple of weeks ago, even (sorry about that, n/a). Not at the kids, mind you, just in relating some story or other.

lol

Adults unthinkingly swearing in front of little kids is one of those things that's always funny.

Today we drove to Storm King Arts Center, only to see a chain over the gate

Me: "Argh, is it closed? Shit!"
K: (gleefully) "Fuck! Fuck!"

― #fomo that's the motto (Hurting 2), Monday, August 19, 2013 10:35 PM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

― #fomo that's the motto (Hurting 2), Tuesday, August 20, 2013 2:44 PM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

swearing is a good occasion for teaching kids to choose how to speak and act based on the situation. they'll pick that up anyway a little later but it's good as parents to be in on that so that you don't get written off as just another situation that demands a boring pretense.

Our latest thing is that we have a metaphysical "swear jar" we invoke whenever the other one curses. This has made me realize that my wife curses a lot more than I do.

I unthinkingly yelled "FUCK YOU" at a birthday party full of children a couple of weeks ago

you are Shakes the Clown

I feel a lot of guilt and anxiety around K being with a non-family member this many hours a week (about 25-30 hours per week. I guess it could be worse). I guess this is just what every two-income family (i.e. most families) goes through, but it's tough. She doesn't cry when the nanny comes but I feel like I see this look in her eye like "Ok, I'll be cool with this, but I'm not totally cool with this" or maybe a look that says "Is this the way things are going to be now?" I'm probably just projecting.

"Send 'em to me. I'll show them my Purple Heart."
I grew up with hearing this from my grandfather (Gran-po).

My dad, grandmother and grandfather cussed around me for years. I never did pick it up until my fight in the 7th grade, used under extreme duress. It would wound me to hear August have a potty mouth before she's a teen. Been trying to find different ways to express casual frustration but have been disappointed in myself. I said "shit pits" instead of "son-of-a-bitch" when I dropped the diaper bag and feared the sippy cup was leaking water all over everything. I felt really proud of myself for not cussing until I realized...

hahaha

That reminds me of the time I heard my grandmother say something about a guy being so good at guitar he must play with his third hand. I had to ask my mother what that meant.

omg lol

August was stung by a wasp this evening. I don't know how the stupid wasp got inside, but we were sitting on the couch and the started waving her hand and crying and T. saw the wasp. It stung her cheek first and she grabbed it and it got her hand too. Fucking nightmare, we couldn't do anything really to help her, T. put baking soda on her hand, and I found the wasp. It was her first time to be hurt by something. I hate wasps, they are intentionally mean.

It's really hard when you first realize that there are hurts you can't protect them from, especially when they're at the age when they can't understand what happened. I've definitely accidentally injured K once or twice, and those are the worst because you worry that she's going to think you did it on purpose or not understand the difference. Just the other day H accidentally squirted lemon into K's eye. But the good news is they seem to get over it quickly.

And that's also a good segue into my question -- how do you stop them from hurting you on purpose when they don't fully understand? K now thinks it's really funny to get a rise out of us by scratching our faces, grabbing our hair, etc. Today she literally tried to claw out my eye, like if I hadn't been sharp she would have done serious damage. We tell her firm no, we try to teach her that it hurts by saying ow in an exaggerated way, but this only seems to egg her on.

Get a cat?

K has this thing now where she insists on having a "hair", meaning one of mom's hairs to twirl around her fingers. This often means H has to literally pluck a hair from her head to avoid K's tantrums. I jokingly refer to her as the Giving Tree. So yeah, get a cat sounds right.

The hair thing can be tricky--our widwife was telling us about a (very young) baby who lost a finger because of a tightly twirled hair that cut off circulation overnight

midwife even

I know that sounds flippant but while you can bite a kid back under dire circumstances and carefully judge the force, I can't think how to give kids a "warning" scratch and be reasonably sure it won't injure them. But a cat sure can.

ah, now I think I'm catching on

Yeah, but then you get a household like ours where the children hiss whenever something comes along their way that they don't like.

^^^^this isnt a joke

Does this mean our kid is going to run and hide under the bed every time somebody rings the doorbell?

that is awesome xpost

trying to separate the breast from bedtime. what had become a pretty easy bedtime ritual is now again a nightmare, only with a bigger, louder kid.

The house of sunnyplains must be a magical place.

Alright here's where I get you all involved with a dispute between me and my wife (not really a full-fledged dispute): K has started going to this "mommy and me" class with her babysitter. Apparently the first couple of times she cried a lot and at least one parent complained about it. The director of the preschool that holds the class said maybe K is "not ready" for it. I was inclined to say "yeah, maybe she's not ready" and just pull her out. H thinks we should keep going regardless. I feel sort of bad about making the other kids and parents sit through K's wailing, and it seems like K is miserable there. H thinks she has to get used to it. We sort of came to the conclusion that we should try a couple more times and just have K come out for a minute to cool down if she cries. H thinks the class is important to get her used to daycare (it's at the place we want her to go to daycare). I think it's NBD because she's going to hate daycare at first anyway. But I do think maybe continuing to bring her to a place where she cries a lot every time would not be good for her or for our relationship with other families in the neighborhood.

I don't understand what kind of class she's attending. how old is K?

parents who go to child-centric events and complain about someone else's child crying are monsters btw

for real like what??

hurting all this stuff is so nebulous and day to day, what a kid is "ready" for, what YOU are ready for, etc. i'm sure you guys will figure it out somehow.

Apparently everything went fine at the class today so looks like there's no issue anymore. It's all good.

parents who go to child-centric events and complain about someone else's child crying are monsters btw

― what's up ugly girls? (Shakey Mo Collier), Tuesday, October 1, 2013 7:39 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

^^^^ real

Yeah. Plus unless the kid is crying in an R rated movie or symphony or something completely adult, getting angry about kids crying generally is like getting angry at wind.

"Why don't those patents teach that two year old to express her overwhelming and possibly unfamiliar emotions in a calm, rational manner, preferably quietly in writing!"

Going back to the conversation about swearing in front of kids: last weekend we were driving and a guy cut in front of me and I honked my horn. Evie asked why I honked and I said "Because that guy... is... not doing a good job of driving." A quick adjustment in the heat of the moment.

I'm going to be so bad about not swearing. Poor kid.

Carl may be even worse than me.

lol CA