ILX Parenting 5: I'm a big kid now

We've gone over skin differences already with me making the comparison to differences in eye color, which is completely the same thing, amirite?

totally. hope you threw in that all redheads are demon children while you were at it lol

Congratulations, BLAM!

like, guess what, white people don't want to talk about race! People actually unironically parrot Stephen Colbert's "I don't see color" routine! ........
― be scientific, douchebag (Shakey Mo Collier), Tuesday, March 6, 2012 10:29 AM (Yesterday) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

PP and I were messing around joking about racists and crazily PC peeps and I said something like 'Hey, Dude. I don't know what race that person is. I'm like totally colorblind' when it hit me for the first time ever. 'Hey! wait a minute. COLORBLIND PEOPLE STILL SEE BLACK AND WHITE!!!'

Realizations of the 39 y/o

i don't care if you're black, white, purple -- only if you're red or green

that ep187 story about the woman who had the dinner party and was flirting with a dude she hadn't met before as everyone was leaving. After everyone had left she hears a noise from outside and looks to the side kitchen door.
(in Seth's high pitched girl voice)"AJ??"
(in Johnathon's super low crazy person voice)"I FORGOT TO RAPE YOU"

just
dying

wrong thread, imo.

T and I have been reading about attachment parenting and we're both really into this idea. Anyone have any knowledge of this, ideas about it?

i think we do attachment parenting? i don't really remember what it entails exactly, but a lot of it just seemed like common sense good parenting.

I haven't read on it in enough depth, but I'm skeptical of any totalizing parental philosophy. I also think it seems very anxiety-producing (and anxiety-driven), because the implied inverse of attachment parenting is that failure to sufficiently do all these attachment-forming/encouraging things to a sufficient extent will lead your child to be some kind of emotional cripple or insecure person. I mean at some point on the spectrum, of course, that's true. I generally think babywearing, breastfeeding, lots of time holding the baby, lots of positive interaction are all good and so far I can see that these things make our baby feel secure. At the same time I have watched friends wind up with a child who still sleeps in the bed with mom and dad at age 3. It's hard to say that this was "because" they were so gung-ho about attachment parenting. Maybe the root of it is really the underlying anxiety -- sending the child the message that he won't be ok without you and you won't be ok without him.

I also find it hard to believe that discipline and good behavior can be learned without any kind of negative feedback ever.

From what I understand you always keep your baby close to you, as in no baby carries or stollers. When at home, you have a lot of skin on skin contact with the baby, and when the baby cries you feed her/him. Some books we read seem to think you shouldn't feed the baby when ever it cries, to train it in some way. But this seems like a weird punishment since crying is the only resource the baby has to express itself.

But this is just for the first month or two, when the baby is still in a fragile state. Right?

I agree there should be a point where boundaries should be established, like we are Mom and Dad and you are a person. But I'm on board for these first months of closeness. A friend of T has a baby that is almost a month old and last night they went to see Radiohead, and it confused me. They are also planning on going to most of SXSW. I'm having a hard time with the fact I will have to go back to work, and can't imagine caring about rock shows.

I know that sounds pompous of me, but these people were trying to have a baby for a year, I dunno.

nah that sounds insane you are OTM

I am also suspicious of totalizing parental philosophies (ie, "WE parent like this!") although of course various tactics and practices should be tried to see what works for you and your baby. But I don't subscribe to some kind of parenting dogma, different kids require different strategies. Being all anxious and stressed about whether you are parenting the "right" way is going to be picked up by your kid.

I would also venture that feeding your baby whenever it cries might not be advisable, since babies cry for other reasons than being hungry....? Best to try and determine what they're crying about and then meet that need.

Yeah for the first month or two (or three) I think your whole job is to make the baby feel safe and loved and fed and clean. Literally always keeping the baby on you seems nearly impossible to me, especially since my wife had a C-section. Plus, I know you can only get so much from the facial expression of a newborn, but honestly she seems to like being in the crib or stroller or car seat just fine sometimes, and she lets us know when she doesn't.

As far as the feeding, I believe in feeding on demand, but we realized after a couple weeks that ours was asking to eat whenever she wanted comfort and when she wasn't hungry, e.g. she'd eat for half an hour, then ask to eat again 20 minutes later, and then ask to eat again another 20 minutes after that, and then spit up a ton. So we started trying to find other ways to comfort her when she asks to eat right after a feeding, for example I found a bouncing/rocking method that really calms her down. When this doesn't work, we know she's really hungry. No "punishment" involved, per se.

Also in re Shakey's point, you can kind of tell the difference between an "I want to eat" cry and other cries. Also there are pre-crying hunger signs and most of what we've read says feed upon these signs and don't wait for the crying when possible.

babies are so weird

they are. Like sometimes she looks totally content and happy to see me and the all of the sudden she screams her head off like she's having an acid flashback and my head just turned into a tarantula.

for real! geez learn to sleep already, amirite?

x-post - lol otm

that was to GBX

Also I really really wish I knew more people with kids because I'd like to hang out with some (especially babies). I need to start getting more comfortable around them and soon.

omg knocked up

Ha, no. Not currently.

the only terrifying baby moment I have had was when holding my friends one day old. older babbies are kinda whatever, p durable, nbd, but I felt like I was holding a fucking vial of nitroglycerin, just red alert full time

They are so small!! Terrifying. Seriously though everyone I'm good friends with irl is child-free which is great but I am getting old and will probably have kids sooner rather than later and would like some procreating friends with kids to practice with please and thank you.

rent-a-baby

Thanks Hurting and Shakey, I really enjoy reading what you guys post here. I have this idea that being intuitive will help out more than any parenting school of thought.

fedex'ing you a baby to hang out with. please return safely in 2-3 mos

xp

we need a babysitter next weekend, enbb, can you come to colorado.

parenting books are a total racket set up by people who want to make money off the insecurities of others

fyi

ps you will be stressed out about whether you're parenting right anyway

xp shakey, know what you mean, i wouldn't go *that* far -- some parenting books are good to have handy if you're totally stumped. but i really agree with hurting that in those first few months your job is: "make the baby feel safe and loved and fed and clean."

after those first few months are over, you can just sit back and relax.

haha yeah I was being a little over-the-top for cheap lolz. there were some specific things we couldn't figure out on our own that we of course turned to books (and doctors, and yoga teachers haha) for some ideas.

but in general I find the whole parenting "industry" exploitative and irritating in the extreme

Tyler if I was in CO I'd babysit for free! I would totally start a free babysitting service in my neighborhood if wasn't inherently totally creepy.

I'm great with kids and toddlers it's just the really young ones that I have absolutely no experience with and therefore freak me out. Hurting you should post a pic of your new daughter :)

Anyway, sorry to interrupt. I find the whole attachment parenting thing really interesting.

in 10 years detachment parenting will be the big thing

i think parenting books have utility, but their main utility is helping new parents feel like they have some kind of idea of what to do instead of being totally lost. this sounds like a criticism but i think it's actually an important benefit. you learn pretty quickly to pick and choose what seems like good advice and what seems wacko - we have one of the sears books (the sears family are the big names in attachment parenting) and there's definitely crazy stuff scattered throughout. like i'm glad we had a carrier to use in the first year but i don't know if it made our baby a better person, it was just often handy to have two hands free.

yeah carriers are very handy

I'm surprised at myself with how earthy I am with having a baby, with having a midwife and doing a water birth, but it just seems natural for us to be having our baby this way. We haven't decided on what T will use, she wants to use a sling. I have a baby backpack that she can sit in my front or back.

A tip in re baby-wearing -- we found that, at least for now, the Ring Sling is the best compromise between having a nice, lightweight, natural, comfortable, free-ish thing that makes you feel close to the baby without needing a ten-hour training course in "babywearing." We also have the Becco Gemini but she's a little small for it.

ilxor (former?) Vicky is BRILLIANT at slings and I wish she posted still/more so she could tell you about them!! I have watched her bundle her toddler up inside her coat and walk around NYC w him all day.

More power to people who want to go all the way with that sort of thing.

Oh, that's another thing, parenting unleashes latent consumerism in you that you will not believe you were capable of.

we had an ergo, slings make me nervous but plenty of people seem to do well with them

yeah we had a few parenting books & I kinda halfheartedly read them before #1 & it ended up being a total waste of time. I think you learn more from getting stoned a few times & then trying to do something important afterward, b/c you just feel that disoriented for a month or two.

the ring-sling positions the baby upright on you more the way other carriers do, or at least that's how we use it