"The monkeys start to squeal, lie and create conspiracy plots" - Scottish Football 2012/13

No excuses about losing, I'm complaining about how it changes the game. They slow the ball down too much. Players are hesitant to turn quickly. If Accies didn't have one you'd hate it too. Why do no top teams in top leagues use them?

Shocker of a miss from Scott Brown :(

because the leagues dont allow them. But having seen the pitches they're fine. At least the one we had was.

Why don't the leagues allow them when they're cheaper and easier to maintain than grass?
Why do players not like them?
Why did Moscow have to rip theirs up for a Champion's League final?
Why is the artificial pitch an issue any time a top team has to play on one?

Great result tonight after a shaky period in the second half. Ref was worse than the fucking pitch.

That's the first time we've won both legs of a European tie for nine years! Come oan the coefficient!

well done celtic. Didn't expect them to win tbh after previous years

But having seen the pitches they're fine.

You ever played on one? World of difference from grass.

Great result tonight, terrible refereeing, worried about the loss of Wanyama for the next round and the cumulative effect of a gazillion yellow cards.

Also, fucking love Sami, Ledley and Mulgrew. Love them.

Poor Motherwell, was always a big ask.

Possible opponents for Celtic: Cluj, Helsingborgs, Maribor, AEL Limassol, Hapoel Ironi Kiryat Shmona

Helsingborgs for maximum Henke quotage, obv. Maribor so I can wheel out Maribou Stork Nightmares gags again. Cluj for cludgie gags galore. Others, meh. I've been to Limassol, btw. Is sunny.

you can't go "meh" at a name like Hapoel Ironi Kiryat Shmona

They're one place behind Motherwell at 194 in the UEFA rankings. Limassol 179th. Helsingborgs 175th. Maribor 155th. Cluj 82nd.

Celtic are 72nd.

I'd fancy Celtic's chances of narrowly scraping past most of them on a good night. Remember when we used to beat Man Utd and Barcelona and Milan?

Aye. That was when we had quality players like Lee Naylor shutting Cristiano Ronaldo the fuck up. Happy days :-)

http://www.sabotagetimes.com/football-sport/hapoel-ironi-kiryat-shmona-a-journey-to-the-promised-land/

Amazing rise from nowhere.

Wow, that's some story. I hope we don't get them because I think I'd like to see them succeed.

new dawn of Scottish football having a wee stutter

Dinamo 5-0 Dundee Utd FT

Managerial sacking bounce thingie in effect for Dinamo, innit.

either that or the second best team in Scotland, and the one I think most likely to push Celtic, is kinda mostly shite

That too :)

And Helsingborgs it is. Which hack's on the phone to Henrik first?

That's the same Helsingborgs who Alejandro Bedoya has just gone and signed for.

Fuck me, Hearts v Liverpool. Lolz galore!

No idea who is the least worst option to support in that tie. Will have to go with the coefficient, I think.

Motherwell v Levante not so much with the lolz. I support hilarity in the Jambos v Lolverpool, obv.

Vlad must have an opinion on the amount they spent last season, can't wait to hear it (also for the rest of the UK media to now be called monkeys etc).

Did he say anything daft when they drew Spurs? I genuinely can't remember what prompts half his ramblings.

I think most of his ramblings are unprompted.

Hearts are gonnae get broken.

I've no idea about Levante but I assume 6th in La Liga >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 3rd in SPL.

Celtic should squeeze past Henke'sborg.

Oh aye, I spy a shellacking! I'm away up for a couple of weeks so might even get to go to the game.

I think Vlad was chummy with the old liverpool board... seem to remember some insane story about him trying to sign le tallec at one point?

Twitterverse sez Levante were one game away from qualifying for the Champs League and were top of La Liga for a bit. The only thing I know about them is that that's where Mjallby went when he left Celtic. Motherwell are going to get scudded ;_; (not that I like Motherwell, but our brave new dawn of Scottish football isn't going too well thus far). Still, nice wee holiday to Benidorm for a few Lanarkshirers.

our brave new dawn of Scottish football isn't going too well thus far

it isn't going any worse than usual tbh

Yeah, I know, but I was hoping for diddier teams and Motherwell/Hearts to make a better go of it than Rangers ever did :(

What and actually win the UEFA cup? Bit of an ask, tbh.

ok, not *ever*

St Johnstone have signed Beattie - shrewd move by Lomas..

Was totally unexpected too. Bumped into a mate in the pub (a former football writer for local paper) and he gadn't known and was genuinely excited about it, as was another friend when i told him. Not something i've seen very often.

Had been mentioned on Thursday that the club expected to announce a signing within 24hrs, i was expecting it to be Keammer Daley. Nice to have something genuinely surprising happen.

Last minute equaliser for the plucky 3rd division new boys in their first ever league game.

http://p.twimg.com/A0AdHqNCMAAyoV8.jpg:large

http://p.twimg.com/A0AdHqNCMAAyoV8.jpg

Looks like our fears about Ian Black's career disappearing have proved unfounded, as even Division 3 doesn't stop the theory that you can go unnoticed for years in Scotland, sign for Rangers (or variant thereof) and suddenly find yourself called up into the national squad.

Beattie should be a good addition to the St Johnstone squad IF he can stay unbroken for more than a week.

Just read that Levein is considering calling up Danny Fox *cowers behind sofa*

that really does prove the sign for rangers get a cap. just fuck off levein. Wonder if its his decision or if its the sfa trying to get rangers fans to turn uo. its a disgrace and i hope noone goes to the game. Except the kilted ginger wig wearing piss up artists will still turn up.

No big deal having a look at the guy in a friendly iyam. 21 guys selected who don't play for Rangers and people are getting annoyed about one "division three player" being selected despite knowing that he's better than his club's current league position.

I think it's widely accepted that Black was perfectly capable of clogging his way around the English Championship and that he made a questionable decision signing for Rangers given their current lowly status. That, to me, means he's good enough to be in contention for the Scotland squad on ability, which is what I want people selected on.

I also think that with everyone fit and available for a proper qualifying match he won't get a sniff.

Agreed, my wider point was that I thought he'd foregone a potential Scotland career, and it turns out he hasn't (also gratuitous dig at shortsightedness of all Scotland managers ever). Can't see him maintaining it while slogging in the 3rd, though.

AG, I think you're being massively unfair on Scotland fans.

no, just the kilted ginger wig piss up artists who usually see the football as ruining good days out on the piss

Darren Fletcher off the bench in the Neil Simpson testimonial game tonight. Nice to see him making a bit of a recovery.

Gary Caldwell in midfield :-( This is never a good thing - surely you'd have a look at Black instead since you've got him there, no?

Charles Green: Rangers debts to Scottish clubs settled in full

Dundee United: um,where's our money?

It reminds me of The Office, when Michael Scott declares bankruptcy by just walking into the office and shouting "I declare bankruptcy!". Just saying it doesn't make it so, you actually have to do something like, y'know, actually pay of all your debts to Scottish clubs.

You'd think, having had their credibility burned with the "wealth off the radar" pish, that the assorted monkeys would pick a phone up and check some facts, eh?

Hail the new dawn of Scottish football! 3-1 against the ozzies, thanks to an awkward OG, and some at-times-almost-entertaining play.

did you watch it then? if so how did Jordan Rhodes look?

Only saw it from about a minute before the o.g. but didn't look too bad. Crowd not taking too kindly to Ian Black.

Du Wei, incidentally, now has more than 60 caps, has captained his country to the East Asian Football Championship and was named player of the tournament.

Various Celtic fans on twitter getting in a tizzy about Celtic putting a quote from Sir Robert Kelly on the new jersey. Because the of the "Sir".

Hearts apply to go into administration to the surprise of absolutely no-one:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/22944291

Starting next season on -15 points will be a hoot. Ideal scenario for lolz would be them thusly getting relegated to the first as Sevco scrap their way up, and the two of them duking it out throughout 2014-15 to get into the SPL (even more ideally ending with them both getting pipped at the post)

Has anyone in the press spotted Campbell Ogilvie's involvement in deid/soon-to-be-deid clubs yet?

Sorry, the top division of the SPFL. Whatever. They'll have re-reconstructed by then anyway.

Fucking hope I have a club next season :(

Aye, it's a worry - it's not like you can just clean slate it like Motherwell if the bank decides to sell the stadium (which the BBC is reporting as security for the debt). Putting your entire team up for sale while being banned from signing players looks like a combination that will see you starting (if at all) with a youth team on -15 points.

Yeah - assuming we're there at all we're going to be comedy whipping boys xi next season

(lol moreso amirite etc)

Fixtures out - officially time for a new thread?

No Vlad to provide thread title :(

I dunno, he did give us this cracker earlier in the season: "I hope the fans remember that if you believe, if you go for it, then everything is possible. You can win the Scottish Cup and become a champion."

I'm missing Charles Green more, tbh.

I did like the "champion" quote, just the right amount of pathos.

I like "You can win the Scottish Cup and become a champion" or a variant thereof, or a Kenny Shiels quote as a wee farewell (until he is reinstated).

We have a new thread and I put it on the wrong page. Such is the calamitous nature of everything to do with Scottish football :(

Right, fuxxoring up is sorted. Let's take it over here:

"If you believe, if you go for it, then everything is possible. You can win the Scottish Cup and become a champion" - rolling Scottish football 2013/14