"The monkeys start to squeal, lie and create conspiracy plots" - Scottish Football 2012/13

Someone last night was pointing out on twitter how very 80s retro it all was - Dundee Utd getting results in Europe, Rangers nowhere to be seen, fighting on the terraces. Oh aye, and Celtic not signing anyone ;_;

Really disappointed the dedicated live commentary streams aren't going to be available for every match on bbc website any more- just open all mics at 3pm now.

Don't know if I can handle an entire season of having to hear Chick and Billy Dodds yelling "CHAAAAAAANCE!" every two minutes...

BBC claim first time Hearts have been on top since square crisps have been on sale in Scotland, which doesn't seem right at all.

Not a great game today, but worth it to see Jamie Langfield auditioning for role as potential Hibs goalie.

When Daryl Murphy and Kelvin Wilson are improving your team you really need to improve your team.

Welcome assist from Langfield today, we'd never have scored without him.

Relegation form. Great.

United looked very good at times. Another long season beckons for Hibs. I don't think it's possible to finish 16th in a 12 team league so I think restructuring will save you.

i didn't even know the season was starting, i guess that indicates how much the media dahn sarf cares.

white shorts for aberdeen? hm.

Keith Downie ‏@STVkeith
Mo Edu and Alejandro Bedoya are on the way out of Ibrox, they're not in squad for tomorrow night's game v East Fife.

Keith Downie ‏@STVkeith
Frank Sandaza is also all agreed on a 4 deal to join Rangers.

Sandaza has a "Controvesty" section on his wiki page.

That's some squad for the 3rd division they're building there.

Good start from Celtic so far. I hate these shitty fake pitches.

nothing wrong with artificial pitches, i hate managers who complain about them as an excuse for their team losing.

No excuses about losing, I'm complaining about how it changes the game. They slow the ball down too much. Players are hesitant to turn quickly. If Accies didn't have one you'd hate it too. Why do no top teams in top leagues use them?

Shocker of a miss from Scott Brown :(

because the leagues dont allow them. But having seen the pitches they're fine. At least the one we had was.

Why don't the leagues allow them when they're cheaper and easier to maintain than grass?
Why do players not like them?
Why did Moscow have to rip theirs up for a Champion's League final?
Why is the artificial pitch an issue any time a top team has to play on one?

Great result tonight after a shaky period in the second half. Ref was worse than the fucking pitch.

That's the first time we've won both legs of a European tie for nine years! Come oan the coefficient!

well done celtic. Didn't expect them to win tbh after previous years

But having seen the pitches they're fine.

You ever played on one? World of difference from grass.

Great result tonight, terrible refereeing, worried about the loss of Wanyama for the next round and the cumulative effect of a gazillion yellow cards.

Also, fucking love Sami, Ledley and Mulgrew. Love them.

Poor Motherwell, was always a big ask.

Possible opponents for Celtic: Cluj, Helsingborgs, Maribor, AEL Limassol, Hapoel Ironi Kiryat Shmona

Helsingborgs for maximum Henke quotage, obv. Maribor so I can wheel out Maribou Stork Nightmares gags again. Cluj for cludgie gags galore. Others, meh. I've been to Limassol, btw. Is sunny.

you can't go "meh" at a name like Hapoel Ironi Kiryat Shmona

They're one place behind Motherwell at 194 in the UEFA rankings. Limassol 179th. Helsingborgs 175th. Maribor 155th. Cluj 82nd.

Celtic are 72nd.

I'd fancy Celtic's chances of narrowly scraping past most of them on a good night. Remember when we used to beat Man Utd and Barcelona and Milan?

Aye. That was when we had quality players like Lee Naylor shutting Cristiano Ronaldo the fuck up. Happy days :-)

http://www.sabotagetimes.com/football-sport/hapoel-ironi-kiryat-shmona-a-journey-to-the-promised-land/

Amazing rise from nowhere.

Wow, that's some story. I hope we don't get them because I think I'd like to see them succeed.

new dawn of Scottish football having a wee stutter

Dinamo 5-0 Dundee Utd FT

Managerial sacking bounce thingie in effect for Dinamo, innit.

either that or the second best team in Scotland, and the one I think most likely to push Celtic, is kinda mostly shite

That too :)

And Helsingborgs it is. Which hack's on the phone to Henrik first?

That's the same Helsingborgs who Alejandro Bedoya has just gone and signed for.

Fuck me, Hearts v Liverpool. Lolz galore!

No idea who is the least worst option to support in that tie. Will have to go with the coefficient, I think.

Motherwell v Levante not so much with the lolz. I support hilarity in the Jambos v Lolverpool, obv.

Vlad must have an opinion on the amount they spent last season, can't wait to hear it (also for the rest of the UK media to now be called monkeys etc).

Did he say anything daft when they drew Spurs? I genuinely can't remember what prompts half his ramblings.

I think most of his ramblings are unprompted.

Hearts are gonnae get broken.

I've no idea about Levante but I assume 6th in La Liga >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 3rd in SPL.

Celtic should squeeze past Henke'sborg.

Oh aye, I spy a shellacking! I'm away up for a couple of weeks so might even get to go to the game.

I think Vlad was chummy with the old liverpool board... seem to remember some insane story about him trying to sign le tallec at one point?

Twitterverse sez Levante were one game away from qualifying for the Champs League and were top of La Liga for a bit. The only thing I know about them is that that's where Mjallby went when he left Celtic. Motherwell are going to get scudded ;_; (not that I like Motherwell, but our brave new dawn of Scottish football isn't going too well thus far). Still, nice wee holiday to Benidorm for a few Lanarkshirers.

our brave new dawn of Scottish football isn't going too well thus far

it isn't going any worse than usual tbh

Yeah, I know, but I was hoping for diddier teams and Motherwell/Hearts to make a better go of it than Rangers ever did :(

What and actually win the UEFA cup? Bit of an ask, tbh.

ok, not *ever*

St Johnstone have signed Beattie - shrewd move by Lomas..

Was totally unexpected too. Bumped into a mate in the pub (a former football writer for local paper) and he gadn't known and was genuinely excited about it, as was another friend when i told him. Not something i've seen very often.

Had been mentioned on Thursday that the club expected to announce a signing within 24hrs, i was expecting it to be Keammer Daley. Nice to have something genuinely surprising happen.

Last minute equaliser for the plucky 3rd division new boys in their first ever league game.

http://p.twimg.com/A0AdHqNCMAAyoV8.jpg:large

http://p.twimg.com/A0AdHqNCMAAyoV8.jpg

Looks like our fears about Ian Black's career disappearing have proved unfounded, as even Division 3 doesn't stop the theory that you can go unnoticed for years in Scotland, sign for Rangers (or variant thereof) and suddenly find yourself called up into the national squad.

Beattie should be a good addition to the St Johnstone squad IF he can stay unbroken for more than a week.

Also with all the union jack flag waving most clubs do I'd call them 'British' rather than 'Scottish'..

Why can't they be both?

they can get to fuck either way since they voted against

They're not exactly voting for racism.

You're getting them tae fuck for rejecting a proposal you haven't seen!

what were the proposals though?

they can get to fuck either way since they voted against

in six minutes

Ruining the hoops to match the Magners logo wtf! Savages.
(assuming it's genuine)

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BMkxzYsCcAI37Kb.jpg

Fuck me, that's horrible. Hopefully from the same jokers who had the target on the away strip last year *crosses fingers*

I kind of like that...though I can understand why others who actually support the team may not.

so new league setup in time for the new season then?

Hearts running out of sticking plasters: http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/22888346

Most drawn out death rattle in history, this

Bit fucking rich of them to blame it on fans' "inaction" though, given how much money the fans managed to find earlier in the season.

"We played Clyde in the FA Cup, and I was promised again that I would start. The manager played a Chinese boy instead as he was told the game would be live on Chinese television so the club would get more money."

Du Wei not like that.

http://www.bristolrovers.vitalfootball.co.uk/article.asp?a=321742
"An Interview With Adam Virgo"

Du Wei, incidentally, now has more than 60 caps, has captained his country to the East Asian Football Championship and was named player of the tournament.

Various Celtic fans on twitter getting in a tizzy about Celtic putting a quote from Sir Robert Kelly on the new jersey. Because the of the "Sir".

Hearts apply to go into administration to the surprise of absolutely no-one:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/22944291

Starting next season on -15 points will be a hoot. Ideal scenario for lolz would be them thusly getting relegated to the first as Sevco scrap their way up, and the two of them duking it out throughout 2014-15 to get into the SPL (even more ideally ending with them both getting pipped at the post)

Has anyone in the press spotted Campbell Ogilvie's involvement in deid/soon-to-be-deid clubs yet?

Sorry, the top division of the SPFL. Whatever. They'll have re-reconstructed by then anyway.

Fucking hope I have a club next season :(

Aye, it's a worry - it's not like you can just clean slate it like Motherwell if the bank decides to sell the stadium (which the BBC is reporting as security for the debt). Putting your entire team up for sale while being banned from signing players looks like a combination that will see you starting (if at all) with a youth team on -15 points.

Yeah - assuming we're there at all we're going to be comedy whipping boys xi next season

(lol moreso amirite etc)

Fixtures out - officially time for a new thread?

No Vlad to provide thread title :(

I dunno, he did give us this cracker earlier in the season: "I hope the fans remember that if you believe, if you go for it, then everything is possible. You can win the Scottish Cup and become a champion."

I'm missing Charles Green more, tbh.

I did like the "champion" quote, just the right amount of pathos.

I like "You can win the Scottish Cup and become a champion" or a variant thereof, or a Kenny Shiels quote as a wee farewell (until he is reinstated).

We have a new thread and I put it on the wrong page. Such is the calamitous nature of everything to do with Scottish football :(

Right, fuxxoring up is sorted. Let's take it over here:

"If you believe, if you go for it, then everything is possible. You can win the Scottish Cup and become a champion" - rolling Scottish football 2013/14