Autumn Almanac reviews Melbourne because as an insomniac, he can't sleep just yet

You forgot about Docklands: Home of CostCo!

lolol you appear to have mistaken the mighty PARKVILLE for north melbourne, they are two distinct suburbs, get familiar. TRUER RATINGS AS FOLLOWS:

City:
bestest for clothes, record shops, clubbing, general mooching about. wtf is everyone's obsession with laneways tho, "oooh i feel so edgy and dangerous going down this laneway to buy a coffee", is it some supressed desire to be assaulted from behind??

Carlton:
i work here so it's possibly getting a touch over-familiar. good to great food, tho.

Fitzroy:
best for pubs.

Collingwood:
not without its charms i s'pose but a bit patchy. the "threatening vibe" of smith st is VASTLY overrated, harden the fuck up people. lol at the denazification of the birmingham - where will the fascist yoof go now?

Abbotsford:
bizarro culture clash: there's the convent, which is good, and there is SFA else.

Richmond:
sort of boring really, ideas above its station (like its shitty football team).

South Yarra:
Prahran:
Windsor:
St Kilda:
lol fuck these joints srsly.

Balaclava:
this place is named after a thing you wear on your face, wtf.

Port Melbourne:
South Melbourne:
not interested.

Docklands:
the pointless statues are so crucial. i only go here at nights on the bike, tho.

Footscray:
they have a fried chicken joint just outside the train station. also i shot a gun in a backyard here and the neighbours didn't complain. thinking this one is 'trending up'.

Brunswick:
basically this is like the rockist cred-chaser choice for best inner suburb. good but overrated.

Northcote:
this one is good. 'thornbury lesbians'.

North Melbourne:
think ppl are cottoning onto this one; good bars and eateries. is it the town hall kitchen that was blowing up as some great unheralded destination for the foodies a while back?

PARKVILLE:
i live here, across the road from the kiddie jail.

Essendon:
lol who cares.

Toorak:
Camberwell:
Malvern:
toorak is terrible, the other two are tooraks for the nouveau riche.

Cremorne:
this is actually some sort of dietary supplement iirc.

loool. brunswick is awesome!

oh i like it plenty but tards rave on about it like it's the only good suburb anywhere, get other suburbs please!!

do not hate upon st kilda pls

st kilda can eat my fuc

south melb is great! a sleeper suburb.

actually i now recall that someone i know has moved to sth melb and she's having a whale of a time, apart from needing to brave the nightmare of punt road on a daily basis.

^str8 up i have no idea who i was referring to here

I also have no idea how it makes sense - why would anyone living in sth melb need to go anywhere near punt rd? Unless you worked in like, Clifton hill or northcote or somrthing and not the city.

PS South Melb/Middle Park is actually p nice! Sth Melb Markets are fantastic, theres loads of lovely little pubs, some nice plant nurseries, posh interesting old homes, and beaches o course.

Windsor + Balaclava are also awesome and I wont hear a word against them, u cad.

i don't especially like sth melb anymore

oh hai ilx. since I have now been living in Melbourne for ten (10) months, I'd like to share some opinions.

City:
I work here. It's good for cheap, shit, enjoyable food and shopping. Pubs are hit and miss and trying to get a decent meal at a decent price tho! Once you know the traps to avoid, it's great. I wished there was some decent rental stock instead of shit boxes with no windows in the bedrooms, because I'd like to live in it.

Carlton:
I don't like Italian food so I really don't have any need to visit this place.

Fitzroy:
Good but actually getting to it at a time when you want to go there is frustrating. Seriously have you caught the 86 tram lately?

Collingwood:
"Gritty" if you've never been to like, anywhere that isn't Collingwood. That said I've happily whiled away a Saturday morning walking through it.

Abbotsford:
As far as I can tell this appears to be some kind of cisyarra Hawthorn? I do not get it.

Richmond:
This suburb is too large and needs to immediately be broken down into smaller suburbs (much like Marrickville in Sydney). Has like six train stations and everything worth going to isn't close to any of them. How is this possible.

South Yarra:
Nope, nothing.

Prahran:
Not as bad as people say, but it is too full of homosexuals who have ideas above their station and, worse, people who pronounce it as "Pran". These people will all be going to the bad place. (Hell, not Werribee).

Windsor:
When I used to commute to Elsternwick (which is much better), this is where people were always committing suicide on the train tracks.

St Kilda:
Now I'm not a tourist, I don't go here. Not that I ever went when I was a tourist.

South Melbourne:
Albert Park:
Middle Park:
No, you do not have a "village" atmosphere, shut the hell up.

Docklands:
More like cockhands, amirite.

Footscray:
This place fucking rules, I'm moving there in a few months and you can all visit me for a) cheap ethnic food at the African and Asian places, and b) the French place that does beef bourguignon on Wednesdays, and c) dead animals cooked on my barbecue. Just remember, you're not in fucken vegan soy latte territory anymore, Dorothy.

Brunswick:
I feel like this suburb's days of coolness might be numbered. I was talking to a person who lived in Brunswick West who was trying to say that the suburb they lived in was "Moonee Vale". Now, when you've got someone who lives in Brunswick and is trying to get cachet by pretending to be from Moonee Ponds, you might have problems.

Coburg:
This place sucks, how can you simultaneously be so close to the city and yet take so long to get anywhere? I'm sorry you might as well move to Broadmeadows.

Northcote:
Yeah it's okay here but if you go any further north, no. Speaking of which.

Reservoir:
Courtney Barnett only called her song "Depreston" because anyone that's been to Reservoir dies of actual despair. Total fucking slum. Preston isn't that much better, geez why would you pay $450k for a one bedder in this area? I don't even know.

North Melbourne:
I live here at the moment! It's great, though extremely boring at at the moment if you're not near Errol Street. Some good pubs and eateries. The 57 tram makes my fucking blood boil, and I have HONESTLY written to my local MP about it. She probably thinks I'm a cunt, which I probably am I because I live in North Melbourne. There's some great houses just north of me which I'd like to win lotto and move into.

Parkville:
This suburb doesn't exist sorry haitch (Then again I used to live in Darlington in Sydney, which is the same, and I insisted that it existed, so.). Also why has haitch not got one (1) drink with me.

Essendon:
Essendumb more like.

Toorak:
My aunt used to live here. She was a pirate. She used to lie and tell people she was in Prahran though. To be honest, if you didn't know it was full of poshos, you wouldn't guess.

Camberwell:
Dangerously close to being rural/regional Victoria for my tastes. Was saying this to a colleague at work and she was like "No Camberwell is great!" and I was all "What do you do there?" and she thought for a bit and said... "there's a good market, the best I've ever been to in the world". I'm quite sure this isn't the case.

Malvern:
Can suck on my balls. Also: "Malvern East", no. If I have any balls left, it can suck on them.

Cremorne:
I went here once and nearly got hit by a truck reversing so fuck this joint. This place name is a euphemism for penis (look it up).

Carnegie/Caulfield:
I love Carnegie! It's near some friends of mine and the food is great. Also I have a thing for Jewish boys.

Yarraville/Seddon/Spotswood
These are all underrated, I think! Yarraville and Seddon is what I'd picture if someone from Prahran tried to describe Prahran to me. Newport is okay too tho you have to be on the east side.

ANYTHING WEST OF FOOTSCRAY OR NEWPORT, i.e. THE TUMOUR SUBURBS:
Can immediately fuck off. The entire shires of Wyndham and Brimbank should be domed for the good of the world. There's a reason land in Altona is cheap - it's terrible and no "Altona North" is not "close to the city", it is a bus suburb that is not close to the city. I wouldn't normally encourage terrorists, but as a sometime Geelong resident who resented having my train rerouted through these places, I wouldn't complain if someone detonated a large explosive in the vicinity of Wyndham Vale or Tarneit railway stations at night when nobody is there to be injured.