[1P3 ROCKTOBER] Ask Ned Raggett, ROCKTOBER EDITION

1. Who is Robin Carmody?

Raggett Trivia:

Ned will be spending a good part of 1P3 ROCKTOBER in the Hawaiian Islands.

2. Is anaheim REALLY in the OC? If so:

a. was marissa living down the road from disbeyland?
b. OMG IVE BEEN TO THE OC!!!

Hmm, he said.

1. Robin Carmody is a man of mystery.

2. It is really in the OC:

http://www.orangecountyhome.com/images/oc_map_sml.jpg

2a. Marissa may well have been living down the road from Disneyland. So did Gwen Stefani.

2b. I cannot contest this observation.

3. Ned: Do you want to learn how to surf while staying in Hawaii?

3. Alas I must turn this down, as I do not know how to swim, which could cause me as an amateur surfer some grave discomfort.

HI, NED!

4. Are you man enough to take the 1p3psi challenge??

estie are you referring to this?

HI, NED!

I send greetings to the personage known as roxymuzak. Hello, personage.

4. I am not man enough. Indeed, it is well known that I am a eunuch, and in fact am completely smooth. My deep voice is altered by means of trickery. My beard is pasted on daily, then removed by a false razor. The XY chromosomes allegedly mine are entirely fraudulent, and injected daily by an evil doctor. I would weep, but my tear ducts were used to create a false urethra as needed.

5. Why doesn't Jean answer us?

5. Jean is indisposed. Possibly dead.

6. Whatareya?!?

6. An agglomeration of atoms dipped in brandy.

7.a. Red or white wine?

7.b. Is it acceptable for males to drink low carb beer?

7a. It would be wise to consider one's choice of cuisine. If, however, this is not a factor, it should be noted that red does not require chilling to be savored and enjoyed. It also goes spectacularly well with chocolate. Further notes on the efficacy of this combination in certain personal situations could be given, but are not needed.

7b. Acceptability is a loaded notion. In some cultures it is accepted to blow your nose on someone's shirt-tail before engaging their housepet in coition. (The veracity of the foregoing claim is questionable.) Therefore one should ask instead if pleasing yourself is key. If so, engage in this behavior, being always mindful of the fact that pleasing yourself in public is considered high-risk behavior for arrest.

8. Ned - why cant I enjoy any alcohol with food at all? The only beverage I can drink with a meal is water.

9. Ned - W1TCH 1 OF US b TEH RAEL N00d SPOOK???

8. This is very unfortunate! I would be gravely disappointed with life if I could not do such a thing, and would seek to blame a gypsy curse or evil gnomes in lieu of anything else. I can but conclude that something in alcohol and your systems requires an otherwise empty stomach, but that seems far too limited. I would suggest some sort of experimentation to see if there are combinations that work but if nothing has availed, consult your doctor and ask. Sadly, there may simply be no solution.

9. Reality as such is hogwash. The question is moot.

10. Obie Trice: Man or Myth?

11. Who is your favourite Australian Rules Football player of all time and why? (Mark "Jacko" Jackson is not an acceptable choice.)

12. Who let the dogs out? Who who who?

10. Existence is confirmed by the name. Had there been no name in particular, there would have been no existence. This is why the Sasquatch is false, as in fact there is no proper name it has.

11. Australian Rules football appears to exist in a world where old men in pith helmets are given undue respect. From the perspective of the 21st century, this is a false religion. Its idols must be destroyed.

12. Fred, last Sunday.

13. Am I gonna see the Biff again?

This is great.

13. The Biff has received your desire but feels that you have expressed yourself poorly until now. Among other things he wants to be known as Monsieur Le Beouf.

!!

lolz

I hope Ned Raggett never visits Newcastle, Australia!!

Phrase it in the form of a question.

14. What would you do if ever faced with the prospect of the Biff coming back (and God willing, it will)?

I'm happy we found our Grand Marshall.

Ned is the Santa at the end of the parade.

15. List top 5 halloween costumes you have worn.

16. Why hasn't anybody said how freakin cute my kid is in her lastest parenting thread photo? Has breeding made them BLIND?!?

Jerks!

17.a What is your favourite shopped picture of yourself, made by someone else
17.b Are you pleased with this shop:

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/69/209467814_6097790e04_o.jpg

In order:

14. The prospect concerns me not at all. You have confused with an entity that gives a damn. I do not, being removed from your petty foibles and concerns in this alleged 'life' you lead. Instead I am saturnine and reserved, observing and recording. Occasionally I eat.

15. These would include:

* Pac-Man
* Charlie Brown
* Raistlin
* A generic magician (you can never have enough)
* An extra from the movie The Apple, of which I am greatly fond.

16. The cuteness of your daughter is acknowledged. It is possible at the time of posting that most observers of the thread were drunk or otherwise incapacitated. Blindness is possible too, and you should stop being rude about people who suffer from it, since there but for the grace of god and/or myself go you. Jeez.

17. Favorite shopped photo. Hmm. I have no outstanding examples, being simply and stupidly pleased with them all.

17a. It would appear that the Maselamb's neck is broken. That might be causing pain. You should reconsider.

I think I'm going to ignore the questions and just read the answers from now on.

Lol @ immediate coining of "Maselamb."

18. Why da hate for the Biff?
19. Should Vini Reilly try In-N-Out Burger?

18. I never hate the Biff, or a Biff or even a side of Biff. Clearly you are insane.

19. Vini Reilly, it is well known, is made of matchsticks, cotton and felt. As such he is somewhat delicate, and it is to be feared that a burger of any sort might cause his system some distress. The specific reason for this can be found in the interaction of various products to be found in the burger. It can be assumed that in anything resembling a 'special sauce' is some form of enzyme which devours mitochondria. Mr. Reilly would perish in seconds. Therefore, he should not try it, unless you are his enemy and wish to force a burger upon him. Be careful how you force it down his throat, your hands may get sticky.

20. Ned, why do people lie?

20. Because they are:

* conniving
* nervous
* ashamed
* evil
* stupid
* forgetful

Delete as appropriate. Combine together into one human being as needed, then boil in oil. Repeat if necessary.

21. Did Marty McFly really invent Rock and Roll or have those Hollywood SCUMBAGS been lying to us??

21. The inventor of rock and roll was one Edna Esclavos, who lived in the small town of Dubston in Feedlenix County, Kansas. Bored with life in 1954, she made a guitar out of hay and a fence post and proceeded to proclaim that 'society is a hole' and that everyone should collective put all their hands on what she described as 'the big one,' but she refused clarification on this point when interviewed by the weekly paper, the Feedlenix Finder-Observer. Her husband protested this turn of events but the huge crowds that gathered back behind their old outhouse, where Edna would play on the roof, would hear no argument otherwise. Tragically she died when lightning struck her after a ten-minute guitar solo, but a young James Brown swore upon her grave he would 'uplift the masses and their asses' by means of a tribute show to her every night. He stopped after two days but no matter.

21 wins

We all must remember to THANK Mr. Raggett, isn't that right, 1p3?

22. tips on picking up ladies, plz

22. As follows (in order desired, or of desire -- working also under the assumption that the generic picker-upper I am creating is, like our Mr. Gr8080, of the male persuasion):

* "HI DERE" or equivalent. Politer the better if first approach to said lass of interest. Overly polite, ie, "Prithee fair maiden hast thou seen the bar list" or whatever = you are either Adam Ant in the "Prince Charming" video (good, very very good) or you are an SCA/RenFest reject (go wash immediately, shave off your scraggly beard and in general know you will not know love at all until you realize what a terrible mistake your life has been until now -- do not sidestep into Star Trek conventions either).

* It is well known that the Mere Male, who can be very, very Mere, often has an appreciation of the female bosom in all its ways. All sides knowing this, it is therefore wise upon first introduction and discussion to remember to look into her *eyes* rather than at her *cleavage.* The Merest of Males forget this simple note, and wonder why they are once again wanking themselves to sleep later on in the evening, the deep-fried mini-tacos and the endless PBRs or Grolschs having again sadly precluded sense and tact. Apply similar standards to other parts of the body one might fetishize, ie ass, elbow (know the difference between these two), legs, feet (unless you are Quentin Tarantino, in which case it is obvious why you are talking to her feet), etc.

* Humor good. Bad humor bad. Know the difference. "Nice shoes, wanna fuck" or any equivalent of a 'ha ha' pick up line = you are bereft of life, sense and any form of brainpower. Allow yourself to be mulched for the benefit of humanity.

* If you are under the assumption that all you want out of the chance encounter you are currently engineering is a conducting of social relations for an evening in the privacy of one's own home/bedsit/car/park bench and nothing more, that's fine, but it would be handy if you read the appropriate signals the lady you are talking with is giving off in this matter. If she is interested and things progress from there, hurrah. If she is not interested, take the hint. If you persist, she will seek to leave. If you do anything stupider in this situation, mockery will be the least of your problems. Don't make us find you and kill you.

* Brush your goddamn teeth, floss, and otherwise take care of yourself. If you need me to spell this out for you, you are already in deep trouble.

any equivalent of a 'ha ha' pick up line = you are bereft of life, sense and any form of brainpower. Allow yourself to be mulched for the benefit of humanity.any equivalent of a 'ha ha' pick up line = you are bereft of life, sense and any form of brainpower. Allow yourself to be mulched for the benefit of humanity.any equivalent of a 'ha ha' pick up line = you are bereft of life, sense and any form of brainpower. Allow yourself to be mulched for the benefit of humanity.any equivalent of a 'ha ha' pick up line = you are bereft of life, sense and any form of brainpower. Allow yourself to be mulched for the benefit of humanity.any equivalent of a 'ha ha' pick up line = you are bereft of life, sense and any form of brainpower. Allow yourself to be mulched for the benefit of humanity.any equivalent of a 'ha ha' pick up line = you are bereft of life, sense and any form of brainpower. Allow yourself to be mulched for the benefit of humanity.

This is classic stuff!!

Ned u r kewl.

23. You come over and watch the Cubs game with the exploited 18 year olds y/n?

23. This all depends on who is doing the exploiting and for what purpose. I have principles. (These are all easily corrupted.)

24. Please gauge the success of 1p3 Rocktober four (or maybe three for u) days in. What is the public's perception?

25. Who do you like in the NL post season?

24. Its success is unmeasured, indeed immeasurable. Please consider -- when Isaac Newton sat under a tree and a cow fell on his head, he did not immediately conceive of the full measure of what we know now as the gravatomological theory of existence. This states that, in fact, all atoms are of equal size, mostly pear-shaped, and have pits instead of seeds. This being the case, they are logically attracted towards each other, because all seeds in atoms are born of the same mother, the ueberatom known in the vulgar tongue as 'Laureena.' The units used to determine these relationships have taken many generations to work out and to this day, a team of gnome slaves are currently working in the basement of Microsoft in order to determine exactly the right amount of atomseeds that can be force-fed to create pate de fois gras on the head of a pin. These gnomes are rewarded for their efforts with marginally less beatings. Again, however, Newton did not immediately conceive of this, and instead yelled, "Why did a COW just land on my head?" He then chopped down the tree with an ax and became the father of his country, having made love to the ground. Thus you can see that the gauge of measuring the success of Rocktober requires centuries of effort, a cow, a good winching system, and gnomes.

25. A fair question. Let us consider, by means of the alleged schedule which has been agreed on, by means of lies, threats and commercial sponsorship. (In the case of the American League playoffs, all these factored in as well, plus George Steinbrenner's money, the terror that is the flatlands of Anaheim not some ten miles or so to the north of here [a strange blasted heath of an area, with a ghost-ridden mountain featuring the frozen cadaver of Walt Disney's chaffeur and/or Michael Jackson], and Sam Adams beer, which is currently being consumed by drunkards.)

* According to one matchup, CHC plays ARI. It is to be assumed that the teams are standing in for certain ur-figures represented by the three word names, much like how the entity claimed as God is spelled out as YHWH by those who believe that vowels are either of the Devil or of New Jersey (alternately, Gulfport). Therefore Chicago in fact is playing for the spirit of Chic, the greatest band that ever existed that was not My Bloody Valentine or the Raunchy Young Lepers. Arizona is playing for Ari Fleischer, a troll in human form that once spent years in the service of the current president lying for him daily. It is therefore damned. Chicago by a mile, unless foul curses are at work once again (and after the Red Sox AND the White Sox beat theirs, would it be any surprise that the Cubs couldn't?).

* We now consider the other. COL faces PHI. In this case, Colorado stands for Colonel Sanders, chicken magnate and dead man. Being dead, he might be seen to have limited influence, but one should never rule out the dead, especially if they are extra crispy, from having bathed in the fires of hell. In the case of Philadelphia, PHI obviously means Phi Beta Kappa, the honors society in which your humble respondent is well-known as a primary member of honor (in much the same way that he is an official honest-to-god Eagle Scout -- you can just sense the upright citizenship around my every word). Regardless, it is still Philadelphia, and no matter how many cheesesteaks are devoured, generic fried chicken has the numbers. Colorado in 5.

The above should not be seen as accurate predictions or judgments. They are, however, a damn sight better than everything else you've heard or read so far, especially if you have done nothing but listen to excitable men on sports talk radio. Remember: every time they go on about something, you never have to see what they look like, and it is likely they are not wearing any pants. Would you trust such creatures?

26. Ned, I was at a Phillies game during Opening Week this year and it was also "Student Night" and "Dollar Dog Night". A combination that led those Philly Students to throw hot dogs onto the field after knocking back a few refreshing ales. If the Phillies schedule every home playoff as a Student Dollar Dog Night, could they make it to the World Series?

26. Likely not. The suggestive-in-a-Freudian-sense appearance of too many Dollar Dogs would cause an outbreak of homosexual orgies in the stands and on the field during the game. This is sanctioned by law, which instead encourages these activities after the game is over.

!

27. Ned, do you care about black people?

27. I only care about celery.

28. Are you jealous of competing thread "ask and what"?

28. Certainly not, because that was prompted by "Ask Abbott," a very fine thread. I am above competition.

29. Why does Longpigs' 1999 masterpiece Mobile Home have a 1.5 star rating on allmusic? :(

A+ attitude

29. I have not heard this album, ergo it does not exist. (Similarly I have never seen George W. Bush in person = he is a consensual fantasy dreamed up by a ruling class.)

30. Ned, should I sleep with my work colleague or my house mate? Both are female AND brunette!!

30. I would say that you would seem to be a prime candidate to ask them to sleep with each other while you watch. You should at least ask them to sign release forms before setting up the webcam, as well as checking your health insurance since your privates might be forcibly removed from you ten seconds after making the suggestion.

31. Why do most men vehemently claim to only like brunettes? Most blondes say its because they don't think they can score with a blonde but that cant be right since we're kind of easy.

31. Men, being confusing but simple creatures, tend to wish to project their insecurities. Also, many have grown up reading Archie comics, as much as they wish to deny it. They therefore have the image that all brunettes, while a bit snobbish, have parents that are filthy rich who they can sponge off of in later life rather than doing any work. Reality defeats them on this front, but they continue to pursue the dream, seeking their own Veronica Lodge. Sadly this eventually leads to the addiction of comic conventions, cosplay, and autoerotic asphyxiation. In providing entertainment to millions with the details of their pathetic deaths via the Darwin Awards, however, they fulfill a function in life that is necessary.

I have perhaps strayed from the original question but no matter.

I would try to score with Sunny if she wasn't married to another member of the wider 1p3 massiv!!

(Not a question but a statement of sorts.)

Acknowledged.

i went ahead and added this thread to the Ned Raggett wikipedia entry.

Too bad she doesn't like Aussie men, pato. Only heterosexuals.

32. What is your singing voice?

a) bass (basso profondo?)
b) baritone
c) tenor
d) countertenor
e) castrato
f) Andi Sexgang
g) other (please specify)

Wikipedia is a resource, this is unquestioned.

Heterosexuals are persons of interest. They might be mythical.

32. My singing voice cannot be described. Indeed, it cannot be abided. People have run screaming. Vile crimes are committed in its presence. Be careful what you wish for with your poll.

Too bad she doesn't like Aussie men, pato. Only heterosexuals.

This is the last time I respect the creed of BROS BEFORE HOES!!

33. Ned, what are your thoughts on BROS BEFORE HOES?

34. And why do you love Radiohead so much? Are you, like, a tard??

33. The question as I see it is this -- a choice between:

http://cache.viewimages.com/xc/57366604.jpg?v=1&c=ViewImages&k=2&d=8D1A55FA4F4B48DB8E25599DB2E5F5CA284831B75F48EF45

Or:

http://cache.viewimages.com/xc/3251105.jpg?v=1&c=ViewImages&k=2&d=12F00EB112845DEC3CBF70A96AEDF84FA55A1E4F32AD3138

Both are worlds of sweaty men and the implements that please them. I have no truck with this.

34. I am not LIKE a tard. I am a tard. Phrase yourself properly next time so others will not laugh at you.

yr second image don't work, TARD!!

ned how would you best describe pato's posting?:

a) zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
b) zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

plz let me know

27. I only care about celery.

-- Ned Raggett, Thursday, October 4, 2007 6:50 PM (1 week ago) Bookmark Link

ned is a wonder pet!!

35

NED--

NED HOWCOME DUNDEDIN HAV COASTLINE

HOWCOME & HOWLONG

WEHRE

Response to the non-numbered question: It is argued that the function of sleep can include 'a dynamic time of healing and growth for organisms' and 'physiological processes of growth and rejuvenation of the organism's immune, nervous, muscular, and skeletal systems.' This being the case one would assume more sleep rather than less is beneficial to the human organism, as befits such a wonderful natural creation, especially when regarded by itself as opposed to numerous other organisms, many of which it kills and eats. We must assume that the second answer is therefore true, since we all seek to improvement the species's betterment by all necessary means.

35. The Otago peninsula, upon which I have rambled and taken photographs and otherwise had reflective experiences, used to be a big-ass volcano. Now some volcanoes are not quite so big-ass, and their relative sizes of bigness and assness must be taken into account -- for this reason primitive peoples worldwide once described volcanoes in terms of lower natural functions, thus the Homeric line described thus:

"...and Odysseus espied the mount of Etna
Farting foul gases into the air
Much like I have done nightly
Having eaten my dolmas too quickly
Pity me, O Muse."

Similarly the Hawaiian islands were once considered 'the zits of the mother ocean,' which led to the injunction not to squeeze them too tightly.

The big-ass Dunedin volcano gave forth its own blast of foul excrudescence some millions of years in the past, causing the disturbed mother ocean, revolted at the smell, to wash over the remains in the hopes that all would eventually be hidden under the waves. This was done, and birds and seals and other creatures flocked to the new coastlines and thrived. Then first the Maori and then the Scots came, and happily killed and ate them in the manner described in the previous answer. Harmonic balance was restored in full, and now the coastline exists for people stuffed with Cadbury samples, fish and chips and generous pints of Monteiths to come down to the water's edge and marvel at it before accidentally drowning.

36. If poop were white would toilet paper be brown?

36. Bird poop is white, so possibly bird toilet paper is brown. Investigating this facet of bird life is something I leave to the experts of bird poop.

37. Is Anderson Cooper hot or what

37. This question has been phrased in a form indicating bias.

He's QUITE hot!

hey i had a really great idea tonite... how about an ASK ROXYMUZAK THREAD!!!!?!?!?!?!!!!

A hijack!

And now I ask a question of you the ip3 audience -- should gr8080 tape an "ASK NED RAGGETT" session for YouTube uploading when I am in Hawaii?

yes!

YES!!!

whaaaat?

YESYESYESYES! When will you be there. We need to compile questions!

I arrive this Thursday and will be there through Tuesday. It's as yet unclear when we'll have a chance to hang out but we will. (Special bonus guests may or may not include my sister and my folks.)

This also serves as a not so subtle hint that gr8080 needs to respond to my last message as well as get me his phone number for when I'm there.

;-)

So file your questions with Grady or here or wherever. Cause I'm here now!

38. What is grady like in person?
39. What is the grossest food that you like?

40. Is gradski's azn boyfriend nice?

LAST CHANCE FOR QUESTIONS

41. Does Ned Raggett smoke weed crack?
42. T/S: Manic Street Preachers vs Gay Dad
43. Why do you fagz on AMG give ***** to Dylan? Dylan is the most boringest thing ever.
44. Bring Back The Biff?
45. Why doesn't your Wikipedia entry mention your brief marriage to Liza Minelli?

46. orange county LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

47. The McGriddle: can it win the war against Iran?

43. Why do you fagz on AMG give ***** to Dylan? Dylan is the most boringest thing ever.

omg finally someone who knows whats up

Questions 38 through 46 were answered last night and will be posted at Grady's leisure.

47. It is still earliesh for me here, as it is 9:25 am after a reasonably late night out with Grady showing my sis and I what is up in Honolulu that isn't endless Waikiki. So I cannot answer as I could. Also, this hotel lobby is playing Coldplay at me. Someone must die. Therefore I can only answer right now: it can, but only if assisted by the pancakes at the late night hotel diner at the Hilton we ended up at after midnight, which were called Mac Daddy Pancakes and included one option that was called 'the Elvis,' where peanut butter and bacon were swirled together in the dough. It is truly a weapon of mass destruction.

38. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-bqxwbCnkU

(What is grady like in person? )^^^^

lollers

sorry the quality sucks. ned makes up for it though.

39. What is the grossest food that you like?

40. Is gradski's azn boyfriend nice?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_aBYp_mIStk

41. Does Ned Raggett smoke weed crack?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PfoXwgPtfLw

42. T/S: Manic Street Preachers vs Gay Dad

43. Why do you fagz on AMG give ***** to Dylan? Dylan is the most boringest thing ever.

44. Bring Back The Biff?

45. Why doesn't your Wikipedia entry mention your brief marriage to Liza Minelli?

46. orange county LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

OMG these are so great

holy shit

Depeche Mode = Yes
Budweiser = No

these are among the greatest things ever omg

this just became thread of the year

it should be noted that for the last 6 questions, i checked the thread before we went out, and didn't give them to him until seconds before the camera started rolling.

pure, unrehearsed, spontaneous ned.

ned's voice is classic

next time yer in la, ned (and/or grady), i'll buy you a drink

Thank you all. I should note there is a bonus question that was asked of my sister which has not been posted yet.

This is the best thread ever and it could have only happened on 1p3!!

Maybe we all should do YouTube videos like this and make money from the internet fad that follows.

This is fantastic.

47. ned, will you be returning to socal soon to help battle these wildfires? i'm readying my ax and hose, personally.

47 was asked above but I will call this 47a

47a. Yes, I am returning to SoCal soon (fly back into LAX tomorrow night). On the subject of wildfires, I fear my abilities are somewhat limited, so moral support will be the extent of my help. This will consist of sitting on my balcony, smelling the smoke in the air and cowardly panicking.

This will consist of sitting on my balcony, smelling the smoke in the air and cowardly panicking.

youtube plz

nice job NERD FAGGOT

48. would you read this in your next video interview?

The ring cannot be destroyed, Gimli, son of Gloin, by any craft that we here possess. The ring was made in the fires of Mount Doom. Only there can it be unmade. The ring must be taken deep into Mordor and cast back into the fiery chasm from whence it came. One of you must do this.

Yeah!!

49. ned, i detect some midwestern in your voice. have you or have you ever been a resident of a midwestern state or perhaps is your family originally from the midwest?

Ned's family had to leave Raggettown, Okla., in the 1930's, thanks to the Dust Bowl and the Great Depression. Fortunately, years of avacado picking paid off and the family now has its own submarine fleet.

Do you think you sound like Harry Shearer?

50.

4 comparison:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=keA81ZDKV54

ach, maybe not so much

omg youtube ned nonstop talking omg

he is not fake

51. What is your Black Metal name?

The dude never says "uh" or "um" while staring into a camera and talking for two minutes. That's talent.

Thank you all. Further comments and question answering may have to wait until I'm back home. I'm completely out of it and have to turn in now.

Ned, you are awesome!

Too kind of you.

48. I could do this. I do not know if I could have the appropriately furrowed-brow look, but give me time. It should be noted that among other things I know how to sign my name in tengwar. If you understand the previous sentence, good on you; if you do not, great on you.

49. This is actually a fairly common question, and requires some elucidation by means of an anecdote. (As is the case with all anecdotes, these should be imagined as being heard in a drawing room somewhere while the teller relaxes with some brandy and a cigar. The walls are lined with old leather-bound books with names like The Study of the Bogomils in Their Years of Exile, Vol. 2 and Life Among the Cannibals: An Interrupted Journal; on the floor is a tiger-skin rug, and obsequious servants stand nearby.)

In my younger days, I once visited a friend's family house, which is located not far south of here in the Dana Point region. I was not the only guest, with another person in attendance being a big bruiser of a guy who was both a graduate student in linguistics and a rugby player. We fell to talking, as is my wont and was presumably his. At a certain point, the other fellow noted that he'd learned what I assumed was a common trick among linguists studying American dialects and possibly others -- namely, that if I counted one to ten for him, he would be able to say what my own accent was, whatever it was. I obliged.

He frowned a bit upon my conclusion of the recitation and said, "Hm. You have Midwestern sports-broadcaster NON-accent."

I took this under advisement. However, there is in fact no reason for me to have this particular accent that I'm aware of. My parents are both Californian by birth and raising, while the roots on both sides go back in the state for a bit as well. Meantime, I spent no time in the Midwest when growing up, instead being raised in Hawaii, California and for three years in upstate New York. Given my proximity to the ocean for much of this time, it should have been expected that I would talk like a surfer or somesuch. Not the case, at least overtly, though I am prone to say the word 'dude' and the like. This therefore is the story of my voice.

50. I prefer to think Harry Shearer sounds like me, having been so captivated by my voice without having ever heard it.

51. Balto Flamegurtz

i will now and forever more automatically read every Ned post in Ned voice at top speed.

Good on yer.

52. Since you have rained on my Rocktober parade (this is not a My Chemical Romances song), should I copy you and do the YouTube Q&A videos of thine own?

53. If so, what locale would be best to film said videos?

54. The Spice Girls Reunion: will it last?

55. What emotion should I have after purchasing one of those Heineken mini-kegs, which I did last night.

52. Mentioning My Chemical Romances or anything similar to me is grounds for dismissal. The question is rendered invalid, but we will proceed under the assumption that the answer was 'yes.'

53. The best locale to film said videos, quite obviously, is a tacky theme bar dedicated to the use and abuse of the native culture which was supplanted by loud and boisterous European adventurers that cared for little aside from cheap labor, sex and otherwise living off the fat of the land (earned by others). Therefore you must consider your options. You live in Australia, a land well known for its cheery bigotry among far too many of your fellow citizens, as personified by the doof you have elected over there as your leader, who makes ours seem like Stephen Hawking crossed with Mahatma Gandhi. Ergo, you must find a bar featuring these essentials:

* cartoony representations of smiling Indigenous Australian children who are thoroughly pleased to be raised by stern government officials for the express purpose of wiping out any sense of core identity

* kangaroos happily leaping into an abattoir for the express purpose of creating rooburgers or whatever the hell you people eat (when not eating that finest of foods, koala tacos)

* stoned rich kids from the Gold Coast who think that they know what the Dreamtime means because of that good grass they smoked once with a putative 'wise man'

* lots of uranium, which you ship to the US on the grounds that that way you won't be invaded

Failing to find this exact theme bar, please go to your local Liberal Party office and film it there. The effect will be similar. (Bonus points if you include that elegant and well-spoken ambassador of Australia's qualities to the wider world, Lleyton Hewitt.)

54. It is the far future. Space has been colonized. Endless worlds have been opened up for human settlement. Theme bars featuring the exploitative themes elucidated above but with reference to nonhuman civilizations now cover many planets. Humanity has happily survived its most self-destructive impulses to infest a galaxy, and the universe yawns its approval in the hope that we will disappear like the festering itch we generally tend to be.

It is in this context that the reengineered DNA of the original Spice Girls will hold their press conference on a discarded moon of Sirius 7-A, beamed to all of creation. They are unstoppable. They exist beyond time and space. They will live while we all die.

(Well, I won't die. I've made arrangements. YOU people, you have your own problems.)

55. There is a line often quoted by philosophers and/or drunks (really, the 'and/or' part should be replaced by an 'aka'). This is the Latin phrase "Post coitum omne animal triste," whose antecedents, as this article demonstrates, are muddled. The express intent, however, is to assign a feeling of sadness among men after sex, presumably because having too much 'waste product' retained. (I refuse to delve into this filth any more than necessary -- I've provided you the link, take it from there.)

Clearly, the philosopher/drunks that Plato refers to (the idea that 'philosopher-kings' existed is a sign of pretension made by an errant scribe, clearly having imbibed too much retsina) meant this expression of emotion at the emptiness of their lives when concerning matters of the flesh to be matched by their own attempts at alcohol consumption, leading to other such psuedo-learned aphorisms as 'in vino veritas' and similar excuses that led to drowning their sorrows in the fruit of the grape and of similar foodstuffs.

The emotion you have, therefore, is that of anticipation. You already know, in your heart and head, that you will eventually be staring at said Heineken mini-keg, having consumed it while sitting amid your local Liberal Party headquarters. The stoned rich kids will have left. Lleyton Hewitt will have made his excuses because he has to go shout insults at people of different sexual orientation to his own. Even the smiling kangaroo cartoons seem wan and forlorn. You will sit, staring at your Heineken mini-keg, and wonder why on earth you did something so wretched, so foolish. Overwhelmed by emotion, you will weep bitter tears, and it is this delicious melancholy which you sense, happily, having purchased it the night before.

The situation however could have been worse. You might have bought a Foster's.

I was annoyed that nobody told me that the first glasses would be head (and not the good kind of head, haw haw) but anyway.

56. I recently moved and now live about five to ten minutes away from the suburbs where Lleyton used to live, West Lakes (before he sold out and moved to Sydney) - how will this affect my lifestyle?

57. Why were Americans so impressed when they found out that I come from the same city as Lleyton?

58. Do you think Lleyton and the Adelaide Crows' Andrew McLeod will patch over their differences and become best buds again, chillin' and illin' 'round West Lakes?

59. What do you think of Lleyton's sister, Jaslyn, and her exciting and fashionable new look?

http://www.news.com.au/common/imagedata/0,,5718225,00.jpg

56. Your lifestyle is yours to abuse in whatever location you see fit. I would not abuse it in a place called West Lakes.

57. Americans, you must understand, are a simple species. Anything beyond their borders is viewed as an extension of EPCOT Center in Walt Disney World, and as such implies reduction of the world to something easily digestible. The Pacific is but a puddle, the Himalayas some foothills, and all has been organized for the existence of corn-fed people from the Midwest to come and go "Golly!" at when not eating something deep-fried. (People on the coast of course are wonderful and cosmopolitan souls in comparison, a viewpoint that we repeat to ourselves unceasingly in the misbegotten belief that it is in fact true, and thus does our great nation continue onward in its own very stumbling way.)

Somewhere in the mass memory in the US is the vague recollection that there were some Olympic games held in Sydney and that we won all the medals except those we didn't. We therefore have a kind and benevolent feeling towards Sydney and its surrounding environs, and assume all Australia is like that too. Saying you are from the same city as Hewitt implies to an American that you cheerily go along the beach saying 'g'day' to people all the time, as opposed to beating them up. And thus do you imprint yourself upon the mass mind.

58. They will not. Instead, they will fight the traditional Australian duel of stuffed wombats hurled at each other from a distance of twenty paces. Whoever misses the most times will be hailed as the most drunk.

59. You're not fooling me. That's the Aphex Twin.

60. Which member of Aphex Twin?

60. The dead one.

43. Why do you fagz on AMG give ***** to Dylan? Dylan is the most boringest thing ever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWUgJwn12mg

-- gr8080, Sunday, October 21, 2007 8:40 PM (6 days ago) Bookmark Link

<3 <3

Ned and gr8080 you guys are too awesome.

We do try.

ned did all the heavy lifting.

61. When can we expect NedsNudes.com?

62. WHY U BREAK MY HEART?

61. NedsNudes.com is a prospect, to be sure, but one that requires contemplation. This has to be determined first, namely, whether the domain refers to:

* images of one Ned, presumably myself, in various states of undress.

* images created by one Ned, again presumably myself, of others in such a state.

This is an important distinction. Some might well enjoy the former option, and I am flattered, but it might be that the latter would be more acceptable to the general public, depending on the exact content. Body fascistic standards of 'acceptability' are, of course, deeply problematic in this regard, since what is acceptable to one might not be to another, what is desirable to another might not be to one, and so forth. The result might be bitter arguments, recrimination, public embarrassment and ultimately bloodshed, which if it occurred during the photo sessions themselves (assuming the medium would be photography; it could just as easily be pen-and-ink drawings, Crayola scrawlings, or graffiti, for instance) would lean to staining.

Lawyers are currently working on this question. An answer is hoped for in some years.

62. You have confused 'BREAK' with 'BJORK' and 'HEART' with 'HEAD.' The only person guilty of bjorking your head is yourself. Do not trouble me with these petty complaints within your control.

Attention, attention. Rocktober concludes tomorrow. Last questions to be filed, plz.

63. Who do you prefer out the following people: Dan Perry or John Darnielle? 0P0.

64. Besides hanging out with me, what was your favorite part of your Hawaii trip?

65. Heave Ho (1:35:21 PM): can you ask ned on my behalf if he needs to empty his bladders and defecate like us lesser mortals?
Heave Ho (1:35:38 PM): http://www.ilxor.com/ILX/ThreadSelectedControllerServlet?boardid=63&threadid=703#unread
gr8080 (1:35:59 PM): i thot u could post now
Heave Ho (1:36:10 PM): barred from 1p3
gr8080 (1:36:18 PM): oh.

63. Both are incredibly great people and it is my pleasure to have known them all this time. But forced to make a choice, it must be Dan. Our visions of the universe are too much in sync for it to be otherwise. (See, I can do a serious answer.)

64. My favorite other part was thinking how great it was to have time away from gr8080. (Likely this was your favorite part too.)

65. Regrettably yes. I say regrettably because I've been home for the last two work days with an intestinal bug. I trust I need not elucidate.

Poor Heave.

66 cure or chameleons

(you can only pick one)

66. Okay, it is official -- you are an evil bastard for making me choose.

67. mbv vs smashing pumpkins

67. Mr. Little seems to have missed out on the fact that Billy Corgan has spent the entirety of the past two years cheapening himself, the good name (in my eyes) of his most famous band, and pretty much a fair chunk of his overall existence with the awful travesty and everything associated with it that is Zeitgeist. Pissing on Mr. Corgan were he on fire is pretty much no longer an option, sadly. I would weep but I am made of stone.

MBV, now, forever. And amen.

68. will corgan ever stop loving god and wearing weird white raincoats on stage and come back to us as the cynical bitter serpent-tongued fucker we used to know and love?

ps. do you not think there are at least a couple of good songs on zeitgeist eg. 'bleeding the orchid'?

69. What if the next MBV album (lolz) is as bad as Zeitgeist?

70. what is the weirdest part of australian culture?

68. I'm sure he's designing a website explaining that right now. (There might be good songs on that album. They seem to have been deleted.)

69. That would be problematic.

70. Culture?

71. Ned, should I get my wisdom teeth removed? It is so much $$$$ for real. They're fucking up my unwise teeth, FWIW. Also, did you have yours removed and if so what was it like and are you glad you did?

(ps it is 5 p.m. Halloween where you are so Rocktober is STILL ON!)

Abbott I know I'm not Ned Raggett but in terms of $$: when I got mine out my family had a yearly dental deductable, so I got two out in December and two out in January and got covered for both since they took place in different years. If you've got insurance that works like that it might be a good idea--it sucks to go in for surgery twice but since its only one half of your mouth you can still chew solid food with the other half.

Oh boy I sure do not have insurance.

72. why does it seem like you just don't have the passion to answer these questions like you did a few weeks ago?

73. Are you going to keep answering questions into Movemeber as a tribute to the power of THE MO?

74. When are you adding the BUTTEZSPHERE to your blog links?

75. Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen - will it last?

And these will be my final answers:

71. I did indeed get mine all removed and I did indeed have insurance. This has led some to call me smug. I am. I'm sorry. (I lie.) It was observed at the time of the removal that due to my sluggishness after being put under, combined with my desire not to talk too much during that first day, that I was the quietest I had ever been, and might ever be. It was one brief moment in time.

72. Sadly, my being under the weather combined with all sorts of random things happening at once has sapped some of my will. I will react to this eventually by going on a killing spree to alleviate my savage mental torpor. I do not believe in half measures.

73. It is possible I will continue answering questions in some future setup. My passion, perhaps having been found again, tamed and cloned, may prove irresistible yet.

74. This shall not occur. I have standards.

75. Only until the first, sad, failed teabagging.

And good night.

http://www.absolutely-nothing.co.uk/uploads/blogphotos/375.jpg

This was fun! Thanks, Ned!

Yer welcome!

76. Why would I want to see other people in a state of undress?

77. ¿Que paso?

78. How many days are in ROCKVEMBER?

And these will be my final answers:

I'll take care of these ones for Nerd Faggot:

76. You're a possible homosexual pedophile. Seek help.

77. You're racist against Mexicans. Seek help.

78. There is no such thing as Rockvember, stupid. It is MOVEMBER where we celebrate the MO. Seek help.

^^^This.

cormacpatrick (2 weeks ago)

What a fucking imbecile.
1. Richey did not throw himself off a bridge.
2.Richey did not take drugs, only pescripted ones.
3.The reason the Manics didn't break America is because they weren't bothered to.The fact that Tolerate was the only song they've ever released there shows this.
4.The Manics are not fuckin' journey.Dumb Cunt.

Lol!

41. Does Ned Raggett smoke weed crack?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PfoXwgPtfLw

OMG i couldn't stop laughing at this. srsly grate.

Steveothebud (2 days ago) Show Hide Marked as spam 0 (Reply)
ok for a start your obviously not a good journalist.....

Richey Edwards' body was never found so you cant say he comitted suicide, thats just calous...those comments about Richey Edwards were just Horrid .. and you could get arrested for something like that ..

Richey Edwards took perscripted drugs not drugs like herowin, co-cain, cannabis etc (drugs dominates alot of America)...

The Manics got big without there albums being over worked on..

----

Steveothebud (2 days ago) Show Hide Marked as spam 0 (Reply)
The Manics didnt really want to get big in the US... they didnt like America, and even if they wanted to - they couldnt cos the Americans who mixed there albums made them sound like crap... im not suprised Americans in the music industy are useless... Sorry.. you Americans even say "slash is from america" bullshit he Hampstead (London)

----

Steveothebud (2 days ago) Show Hide Marked as spam 0 (Reply)
My conclusion is

*that your not even fairly inteligant..

*you try to speak quick just so you look
canny... but the thing is you fuck up in every line...

*you dont know your research

*you are an old whiny man

*it sounds like your balls are droping in this video.. either that or your taking helium..

*your reading of a computer... (badly)

----

Steveothebud (2 days ago) Show Hide Marked as spam 0 (Reply)
PS... you keep saying England all the time...
THERE NOT FROM ENGLAND...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIszu7_hC8g

fuck Steveothebud

lol @ you are reading off a computer (badly)!!!

how do i shot flickr?

http://www.flickr.com/photos/jmabel/470174589/in/photostream/

HAW

Who is that Raggett in the window?

i saw ned raggett last night! he came into my life and left like an angel.

last night a raggett saved my life

In a hole in the ground, lived a Raggett

Ned, are you coming to Friday Harbor for New Year's?

Rocktober is over, n00b!!!!

Yes indeed. (I hadn't realized about those Manics YouTube comments. I love stupid people.)

i will be in friday harbor for new year's

lol wikipedia:

External links

* Ned Raggett's Web Locale
* Ned Raggett's Fan Club
* Ned Raggett Ponders It All - Ned's blog
* Ned Raggett's Top 136 Or So Albums Of The Nineties
* Ned Raggett answers readers' questions as part of 1p3 ROCKTOBER
* Ned Raggett on Marriage to Liza Minnelli

United States This article about an American journalist is a stub. You can help Wikipedia by expanding it.

Ned Stubbett

hahaha

Hello Ned Raggett,
I am a big fan of a Belgian singer called Lio. I don't think many Americans have heard of her. But I found a video of her with puppets that I like at

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWRjvfFSaU8

when I was doing a search for Judy Cheeks who I like alot also.
You wrote a nice review of Lio's first album, "Premier Album" at http://www.allmusicguide.com/cg/amg.dll?p=amg&sql=10:kpfoxqudldde
How did you get interested in the Belgian pop singer "Lio" ?
I think your review is a good and thoughtful review, and I want to thank you for it.
I first heard the song "Amantes Solitarios" as a cover version by a Mexican singer, but I cannot remember who it was. I tried checking the All Music Guide by clicking on "All Performers that have performed this Title" for this song but it does not come up with any. There are only covers for the French version.
Is there any way to find out which Mexican singers did a cover version of the song "Amantes Solitarios"?
Thanks your your help in advance.
Please reply.
Sincerely,
L***s W******k

The Girl Groups Fan Club

http://geocities.com/tggfc

What on Earth!

That wacky Louis Wajchowk!

(my youtube account is getting ned fanmail)

:)

The hell?

(i emailed you this ned. did u not get it?)

No ;_;

wau

why does ned raggett hate contractions?

Hi gr8080,

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So from now on, when you add new public videos, tehresa will be notified.

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You can also subscribe to other users yourself. Like a video? Just click on the member's 'Subscribe' button, located to the right of the video you are watching. You can also go to a user's profile and subscribe to their videos from there.

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- The YouTube Team

^_^ i never saw the ned interviews! must have easy access!

:-)

I do not hate contractions. They sometimes run away.

can i has that answer in video form pls?

Give me time.

Its gonna take time
A whole lot of precious time
Its gonna take patience and time, ummm
To do it, to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it,
To do it right child

I have got my mind set on something or other.

heyaevery1x (6 hours ago) Show Hide Marked as spam
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who IS this cunt!? richey never took drugs, he never officially jumped of the severn bridge he did drink he did self harm but would never hurt a soul, so why speak about him in that way? get your facts right and stop talking out your arse! they dont just apeal to old/fat people, i'm a 15 year old girl, i have been a fan since childhood and i look up to them! there music has taught me about stuff you wouldnt even learn in school, i am politically smarter than anyone else my age because of them

I hope my reputation never dies.

there music has taught me about stuff you wouldnt even learn in school, i am politically smarter than anyone else my age because of themthere music has taught me about stuff you wouldnt even learn in school, i am politically smarter than anyone else my age because of themthere music has taught me about stuff you wouldnt even learn in school, i am politically smarter than anyone else my age because of themthere music has taught me about stuff you wouldnt even learn in school, i am politically smarter than anyone else my age because of them

manics91 (21 minutes ago) Show Hide
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its not obssesiveness.. we would say this in anyones favour.. it is unfair to say that someones stupid cos they killed themselves..

1. RICHEY WASNT FOUND SO ITS NOT CALLED SUICIDE RETARD ITS CALLED MISSING!

2. RICHEY EDWARDS WAS/IS PROBABLY THE MOST INTELLIGENT MAN IN THE WORLD

i suggest you think b4 posting old men making a dick of emselves!!!

RICHEY EDWARDS WAS/IS PROBABLY THE MOST INTELLIGENT MAN IN THE WORLD!

74. This shall not occur. I have standards.

75. Only until the first, sad, failed teabagging.

And good night.

-- Ned Raggett, Wednesday, October 31, 2007 10:49 PM (Wednesday, October 31, 2007 10:49 PM) Bookmark Link

^^^classic out of context lulz

manics91 (41 minutes ago) Show Hide
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jumping of a bridge is dumb.... ill tell ya whats dumb a dumb fuck american = kurk cobain shotting himself in his garage....

but richey has been missing for 12 years... no official evidence of cloths, body, NOTHING... he dissaperred without money and a passport!! so you think thats dumb??? get a life..

lol how do i shot self in garage

RICHEY EDWARDS WAS/IS PROBABLY THE MOST INTELLIGENT MAN IN THE WORLD!

I concur with this shit

clubkidparty | February 05, 2008 (Block User)
hahahahahahahha

someone like you, with a mullet, tiny dick, no muscle, fat from yesteryear, and no job comes here to talk shit.

hahahahahahahhahahahahaahah

please dude, anyone on this site could fucking take you.

anyone in oasis could take you.

yr a 50 year old pussy living off the welfare system in his mothers garage.

scum like you should be killed.

fat from yesteryear

Steveothebud (3 months ago) Show Hide
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My conclusion is

*that your not even fairly inteligant..

Oh, that was already posted. sorry.

Reading all those comments on Ned's Manic Street Preacher video, I can't believe the amount of MSP fans who think that one guy is just "missing", and that he didn't commit suicide.

lethalpayne1 (9 hours ago) Show Hide
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why the fuck would anyone wanna take on america... fucking talentless pricks lol...

this asshole is a shite music jernalist:

drummer didnt make a racist comment, richey has not been proved dead, richey didnt take any drugs... manics arent arena rock u dumbass fagot.. i saw them in a university.. and your the fat fuck so why arent you listening to the manics... your an idot...

Richey is still out there trying to find the right size banana suit for Nicky. He'll be back.

it's a tough fit

NED WILL BE APPEARING LIVE IN NEW YORK JUNE 28. PLS TO SUBMIT YOUR QUESTIONS NOW!!!!

HI DERE PLS TO EXPLAIN IN WHICH DIRECTION THE BRONX AND BATTERY ARE RESPECTIVELY

ned-

why does king boy pato wear a cape?

-gr8080

Ned-

Why does Kevin Shields say "we want hen fap" in "What You Want"?

-Curt1s

get yr questions in soon!!

ned -

what is the silliest outfit you have ever worn? this includes anything you have been forced to wear, as well as things you have chosen to wear.

-roxy

i only have 4 questions here, guys. that's not even long enough for an oprah segment.

Dear Ned Raggett-

What would you suggest is the best way for me to become an internet rock music critic?

Also, how can i get beer w/o a fake ID????

-Anthony

same answer for both questions

answers have been submitted. videos will be uploaded shortly!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_elsHJKv1pM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UXGevBJrL8

sexy nip

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MoaNAczh16I

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWUUyxqv0xo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ns5S-u9hdt4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skSlkTSunGU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wjIF5vd2YXU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=65-GXm6U-UM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0ynuqptL9Y

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBCksPDQyek

ah damn, should have thought to submit a question.

ah damn, should have thought to submit a question about a polarizing britpop band.

http://i181.photobucket.com/albums/x18/gr8080/sdfghjk.jpg

"too short pussy pop"

poll plz

reads like lyrics to the best daft punk song ever

im gonna vote for "hillary clinton screensavers"

lol @ these!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I thank you all.

sexe cunt anal booty thong

riw1989 has made a comment on Ned Raggett: T/S: Manic Street Preachers vs Gay Dad:

You fail to mention the fact that Edwards wrote the greatest "dark" album ever. I've yet to encounter an album which takes all the problems of modern life. Wire also successfuly tackled this as well in many different songs too, design for life and ifwhiteamericatoldthetruthforonedayit'sworldwouldfallapart to name two. So, you completely failed to talk about anything musically by the manics with Richey and agreed that he is more intelligent than you. Good job you moron.

haha failed to mention that one

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YaD8hK7o1lk

my account w/ all the ask ned raggett videos was deleted by youtube after using it to troll metallica fans but thankfully one outraged manic street preachers fan reposted this one:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dn-yTOO8KIY