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The following complaint has been filed in US District Court, Central Division in Salt Lake City.

Please provide a few days for it to show up in PACER


Judge Dale A. Kimball
Filed 06/21/2005 @ 16:29:15
Case No: 2:05CV00521 DAK


Jeffrey Vernon Merkey
1058 East 50 South
Lindon, Utah 84042
Telephone: (801)427-3547
Facsimile: (801)427-3547
Plaintiff


IN THE UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT
DISTRICT OF UTAH, CENTRAL DIVISION


JEFFREY VERNON MERKEY VERIFIED COMPLAINT
Plaintiff,

vs.

BRUCE PERENS a.k.a. OSRM
PAMELA JONES a.k.a. GROKLAW.COM,
a.k.a. OSRM
and GROKLAW.NET
GRENDEL a.k.a. PAGANSAVAGE.COM
MATT MERKEY a.k.a MERKEY.NET
BRANDON SUIT a.k.a. MERKEY.NET
JOHN SAGE a.k.a. FINCHHAVEN.COM
MRBUTTLE a.k.a. IP-WARS.NET
SLASHDOT.ORG
DOES 1 through 200,

Defendants.


Plaintiff complains of the above named Defendants and for causes of action against them, allege as follows:

NATURE OF THIS ACTION

1. This is a federal civil rights action pursuant to 42 U.S.C. § 1983 and § 1988, and the federal constitutional provisions and statutes referred to herein, by Jeffrey Vernon Merkey ("Merkey") against the named Defendants (sometimes hereinafter collectively referred to as "Defendants").

2. Plaintiff seeks compensation from Defendants in the form of special, general, consequential, and punitive damages – except as prohibited by law – including the attorney’s fees and costs reasonably incurred in the prosecution of this action.

3. The damages Plaintiff seeks from Defendants are the proximate, direct and consequential result of Defendants’ willful, and/or malicious, and/or intentional, and/or reckless and/or deliberately indifferent actions and/or omissions, individually or in concert with others, which violated Plaintiffs’ federal constitutional and statutory rights including – but not limited to – their conduct in:

A. Unlawfully depriving, and conspiring to deprive, Plaintiff of his well-established federal constitutional and statutory rights to freely associate, to exercise his religious beliefs and practices, to enjoy his rights to privacy, and his rights to enjoy the due process and equal protection of law and the equal application of the law, without intrusion or interference, his freedom of speech, and his right of expressive association by conspiring to murder and/or threatening to murder Plaintiff, enlisting and/or soliciting others to murder plaintiff, intentionally inflicting emotional distress upon Plaintiff and advocating through public Internet postings and websites that Plaintiff commit suicide, in stealing Plaintiff's identity on the public Internet and posting comments and emails which defame him, in engaging in slander of title of Plaintiff's intellectual property, and in publicly defaming Plaintiff and tortiously interfering in Plaintiffs career and business and cultural relationships;

B. Unlawfully harassing, intimidating, threatening, and otherwise substantially burdening the Plaintiff in the exercise their fundamental religious beliefs, freedom of speech, and the right of expressive association, by conspiring to murder and/or threatening to murder Plaintiff, enlisting and/or soliciting others to murder plaintiff, intentionally inflicting emotional distress upon plaintiff and advocating through public Internet postings and websites that Plaintiff commit suicide; and in stealing Plaintiff's identity on the public Internet and posting comments and emails which defame him, in engaging in slander of title of Plaintiff's intellectual property, in publicly defaming Plaintiff and tortiously interfering in Plaintiffs career and business and cultural relationships;

3. Plaintiffs assert that Defendants’ conduct challenged herein, has and/or continues to deprive Plaintiffs of their well-established federal constitutional and statutory rights to: (1) freedom of speech; (2) assembly; (3) anti-establishment of religion; (4) free exercise of religion; (5) privacy; (6) due process, and (8) equal protection of the laws, all guaranteed under the First Amendment, and/or Fourth Amendment, and/or Fifth and/or Fourteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution, and/or the Religious Land Use and Institutionalized Persons Act of 2000, 42 U.S.C.§2000cc et seq., PL 106274, and/or 42 U.S.C. §1996a, and/or Religious Freedom Restoration Act, 42 U.S.C. §2000bb-1 et seq.; and that each of the Defendants is personally and/or officially liable to the Plaintiffs for their malicious, and/or intentional, and/or deliberately indifferent violations and deprivations of Plaintiffs’ federal constitutional and statutory rights under both Federal and Utah State Law.

4. Plaintiffs reserve their right to also assert additional, pendent claims against Defendants for violating Plaintiffs’ rights under the Constitution and Laws of the State of Utah.

JURISDICTION AND VENUE

5. This Court has jurisdiction to hear and determine Plaintiffs’ claims pursuant to 42 U.S.C. §§1983 and 1988; 28 U.S.C. §1331, 28 U.S.C. §1343, 28 U.S.C. §§2201 and 2202; the First, Fourth, Fifth and Fourteenth Amendments to the United States Constitution; the Religious Land Use and Institutionalized Persons Act of 2000, 42 U.S.C. §2000cc et seq., PL 106273, the Religious Freedom Restoration Act, 42 U.S.C. §2000 bb et seq.; and 28 U.S.C. §1367(a).

6. Defendants’ unlawful actions complained of herein occurred within this judicial district via the public Internet located in Utah, making the venue of this action in this Court proper pursuant to 28 U.S.C. §1391 (b)(2). Additionally, the known Defendants are diverse and do not reside within the State of Utah.

7. This Court has subject matter jurisdiction pursuant to 28 U.S.C. § 1332 in that diversity of citizenship exists between the parties and the amount of the controversy in damages claimed exceeds $75,000.


PARTIES

PLAINTIFF

8. Plaintiff Jeffrey Vernon Merkey (“Merkey”) is an individual who resides at 1058 East 50 South, Lindon Utah 84042.

9. Merkey is engaged in the software industry as a computer scientist. Merkey has been awarded numerous patents by the United States Patent Office and is regarded by the computer industry as one of Utah's preeminent computer scientists.

10. Merkey has been recognized by the Utah Courts as an expert in computer science. Merkey has served as a Chief Scientist of Novell and several large computer companies during his career and is credited with creating some of the most powerful, scalable, and performant technologies in the world.

11. Merkey has been involved in Open Source Development relative to the Linux Operating System and other platforms for almost 10 years.

12. Merkey's contributions to Novell and other computer companies within Utah and the computer industry at large has resulted in over 10 billion dollars in revenue into the local Utah high tech community over his prestigious career and in particular, the Utah Valley High Technology economy based on technology he has created and/or patented which is held by Novell, the Canopy Group, and dozens of other local high tech companies as well as companies around the world.

13. Hundreds of Millions of people use technology and/or technology which is based on patents created by Merkey across the globe in a wide variety of applications, operating systems, and network communications systems.

14. Merkey is an American Indian based upon his race, religion, and political affiliation, and is a member of a Federally Recognized Tribe, Nation, or Community of Indians.

15. PG Frau Margit Meuller, a German Citizen, is married to Merkey and they reside in Lindon, Utah with their newborn son, Alexej Martin Merkey who was born October 11, 2004 in Orem Utah.

16. PG Frau Meuller was born in Stolzberg, West Germany, and has the German equivalent of a Medical Practitioners or Doctorate Degree in Psychology, Neurology, and Kienothology.

17. PG Frau Meuller has over 20 years of experience in the area of Child Psychology, and has specialized during her entire career in treating children with Downs Syndrome, mental retardation, and other severe social and mental disorders in an attempt to provide counseling and therapy for these unfortunate children who suffer from these disorders and their families in an attempt to adjust them to what would be considered to be a more normal lifestyle. Frau Meuller's patients are typically severe cases who have been given up on by more traditional institutions and treatments and have been permanently institutionalized due to severe social maladjustment, violence, psychotic episodes, and sociopath tendencies.

18. Merkey and Meuller met at a non-profit Native American prison youth counseling event funded by Merkey and the Utah Native American Church for the benefit of Native American Children who are incarcerated at the Decker Lake Correctional Facility. Merkey and the Utah NAC funds several groups who provide counseling for troubled youth in the Utah Prison System. Meuller regularly participates with these counseling groups and provides free counseling to troubled children in non-profit charity work with Merkey and other prominent members of the Utah Native American Community. Merkey and Meuller were married in a traditional Native American Wedding Ceremony on September 11, 2004 after co-habitating for almost a year in a traditional Native American Courtship.

19. Both Merkey and Meuller or at present 45 years of age.

20. Frau Meuller is a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormons”) and participates in numerous non-profit programs with the Mormons and local community.

21. Merkey is not a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and practices the ancient beliefs of Ani-yv-wi-ha, the traditional religion of his culture and people.

22. Merkey is the presiding elder of the Utah Native American Church which is incorporated as a non-profit Corporation Sole in good standing with the State of Utah.

23. Although Native American Churches at times use peyote in their religious rituals, Merkey and Meuller, and the majority of the members of the Utah Native American Church do not use peyote as this is not the traditional religion of their culture. Some of the Dine (Navajo), Ute, and Delaware Indian members of the church do participate in these peyote ceremonies and use peyote as prescribed by their unique cultures. By Church policy these ceremonies are hosted only on the home Indian Reservations of specific members is who engage in this practice and can only be attended by Indians as defined under the 1994 amendments to the American Indian Religious Freedom Act. Merkey has on many occasions made public statements discouraging peyote use by Native Americans who do not use peyote as part of their traditional culture. These statements have appeared in local articles and newspapers.

24. The Utah Native American Church charter is to support Native Ceremonies, Public Pow Wows and events, counseling and rehabilitation for American Indians incarcerated in the Utah and Federal Prisons, and donates over $100,000.00 per year to these programs. These programs include, but are not limited to, purchasing turkey dinners for prison inmates for Thanksgiving and Christmas for three prison facilities, repairing homes on local Utah Indian reservations which require new roofs, clothing for children, medical services for the elderly, food for impoverished families, and counseling and treatment services for Native Americans both incarcerated and released from Utah Correctional Facilities, including young people held in juvenile hall, and in funding Native American Pow wows and community social events, and promoting economic development in Indian Nations by donating intellectual property and developing education programs to increase core competency in advanced computer technology in Native Communities. Almost all of the monies and assets dispersed and used by the Utah Native American Church are personally donated by Merkey and his business associates each year to these events from surpluses he obtains based upon his income from the Computer Science industry.


DEFENDANTS

25. Defendant Bruce Perens (“Perens”) is an Individual who resides at 1563 Solano Ave., Berkley, CA, 94707. Bruce Perens claims to be one of the principal leaders of the Open Source Movement and the Linux Operating System Movement. Perens make these claims in public speaking engagements and through books, press interviews, Internet news articles, and is regarded by many as the “Colonel” of Linux. Bruce Perens articles and interviews are distributed widely across the Internet and the world, and are read widely by hundreds of millions of people. Bruce Perens also serves on the Board of Directors of a group called OSRM – the Open Source Risk Management Group, and business entity that sells patent infringement insurance to commercial Linux customers.

26. Defendant Pamela Jones (“Jones”) is an individual whose last known whereabouts were 34 North Central Ave. in Hartsdale, New York. Jones is a self-appointed spokesperson for legal matters for the Open Source Movement and for the Linux Operating System Movement. Pamela Jones writes articles for the Groklaw website, and these articles are read by hundreds of millions of people around the world. Jones is regarded as a right-wing legal reporter for Open Source. At the times alleged in the complaint regarding the actions of Pamela Jones, she was employed by OSRM as a legal reporting advisor – the Open Source Risk Management Group.

27. Defendants Groklaw.com and Groklaw.net (“Groklaw”) are Internet websites which are alter-egos of Pamela Jones and are operated by Pamela Jones and hosted by the University of North Carolina. These websites are extreme right-wing and, among other things, seem to predominantly promote messages of hatred and violence directed against members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (“Mormons”) , and against business entities who employee, are funded by, owned by, or operated by Mormons. These websites also attack other groups who support or espouse cherished beliefs or positive views of Native American Society, Culture, and Spirituality.

28. Defendants Brandon Suit and Matt Merkey are individuals who operate and run Merkey.net, an Internet website which “hacks” search engines on the Internet through google spamming, google bombing, and other unlawful practices designed to tamper with Internet hosting computers and search engines. The address and location of defendants is believed to be within the State of Florida, but is unknown at the present time.

29. Defendants Grendel and Pagan Savage.com is an Internet website which
“hacks” search engines on the Internet through google spamming, google bombing, and other unlawful practices designed to tamper with Internet hosting computers and search engines. The address and location of defendants is believed to be within the State of Colorado, but is unknown at the present time.

30. Defendants mrbuttle and IP-WARS.NET is an Internet website which
“hacks” search engines on the Internet through google spamming, google bombing, and other unlawful practices designed to tamper with Internet hosting computers and search engines and posts hate speech attacking individuals and groups on the basis of race, religion, and cultural affiliation. The address and location of defendants is believed to be within the State of California, but is unknown at the present time.

31. Defendant John Sage is an individual who resides at 14224 Glen Acres Road SW in Vashon, Washington 98070 and who operates the finchhaven.com website. finchaven.com is an Internet website which “hacks” search engines on the Internet through google spamming, google bombing, and other unlawful practices designed to tamper with Internet hosting computers and search engines.

32. Defendant slashdot.org is an far-right wing Internet news website that posts libelous and defamatory content and is used by Open Source Community members to anonymously post hate speech, death threats, threats to murder and promotes and advocates acts of domestic terrorism within the United States. The address and location of defendants is believed to be within the State of California, but is unknown at the present time.

33. Defendants DOES 1 through 200 are individuals whose identities are not yet known, but who acted in concert with the other named Defendants in violating Plaintiffs’ constitutional rights as alleged herein. The identities of these DOES and their specific actions will be disclosed to the Court as they are made known to Plaintiffs.

34. At all times referred to herein, Defendants, individually or in concert with others, acted maliciously, and/or intentionally, and/or with deliberate indifference to Plaintiffs’ federal constitutional and statutory rights described herein and rights under Utah State Law.

35. The individual Defendants named herein are sued both in their official capacities and as individuals for damages and punitive damages, and/or for declaratory and prospective injunctive relief, as allowed by law.

FACTS COMMON TO ALL CAUSES OF ACTION

36. Plaintiffs reallege and incorporate the allegations of paragraphs 1 through 35 above, as if fully set forth herein.

37. The Linux Community (“Linux”) is a globally distributed community of independent computer programmers who develop the Linux Operating System over the public Internet and comprises members of countries around the world. The Linux Operating System is controlled under a public license called the GNU Public License or GPL (“GPL”).

38. The Open Source Movement (“OSS”) is a globally distributed community of independent individuals who promote development of open source computer technology under the GPL. The OSS also includes the majority of the members of the Linux Community.

39. Among other things, the OSS advocates that all computer technology should be free, and should be accessible to all people around the world at no charge and no cost.

40. Among other things, the OSS advocates the dismantling of all intellectual property laws that restrict the trade in free software, including the overthrow of the US patent system, intellectual property laws, and the overthrow of the European Union attempts to create a patent system to protect the intellectual property rights of individuals, and computer technology companies.

41. Members of OSS and Linux routinely reverse engineer, misappropriate, or by other means incorporate patented software methods, trade secrets, and other protected intellectual property into their projects under the cause of freedom to innovate, and in support of their socialist views that software should be free and owned by the masses. These activities have resulted in lawsuits and litigation from large computer companies around the world in an attempt to protect their investments in development of computer technology as the result of wide-spread theft of intellectual property by members of OSS and Linux.

42. Much of the activities of Linux and OSS have served to create a funneling system allowing sensitive and advanced technology created by computer technology companies in the United States to be illegally exported out of the United States and into the hands of the citizens of other countries.

43. As a result of these activities, a large portion of US technology has been unwittingly placed into the hands of various groups around the world, including Al-Queda, and other groups who sponsor international terrorism.

44. As a result of these activities, a large portion of US technology has been unwittingly placed into the hands of various groups around the world, including radical governments and groups who sponsor and have used the technology in support of the creation of weapons of mass murder and mass destruction designed to murder American Citizens and their families.

45. As a result of these activities, a large portion of US technology has been unwittingly placed into the hands of various groups around the world, and has crippled and destroyed the commercial computer software technology markets in the United States by destroying their ability to charge money for their technology and has harmed the cause of commerce within the United States.

46. The beheading and murder of United States Citizens in Iraq, Saudi Arabia, and other countries have been videotaped, converted to MPEG and other images for viewing on the public Internet through the use of OSS and Linux software and computer technology developed and purloined by Linux and OSS members and illegally exported from the United States.
47. Companies which sponsor, endorse, and support OSS and Linux, and those acting in concert as their advocates have been unwitting participants in wholesale technology theft of United States developed technology and sponsors of domestic and international terrorism.

48. Companies which sponsor, endorse, and support OSS and Linux, and those acting in concert as their advocates have been unwitting participants in wholesale technology theft of United States developed technology and sponsors of efforts to undermine the Government of the United States and the economic stability of computer technology development and industry within the United States.

49. Companies which sponsor, endorse, and support OSS and Linux, and those acting in concert as their advocates have been unwitting participants in wholesale technology theft of United States developed technology and sponsors of the creation of weapons of mass murder and mass destruction by the enemies of the United States.

49. Companies who attempt to protect their rights to their intellectual property by filing lawsuits against members of Linux and OSS are attacked publicly on the public Internet through a variety of means, including identity theft, defamation, interference in their business and cultural relationships, violation of their rights of expressive association and freedom of speech, threats to murder them, intentional infliction of emotional distress to the extent they take their own lives, and Internet postings advocating they commit suicide.

50. Many of these methods employed by OSS and Linux Community members to oppress and suppress public viewpoints they do not agree with, do not differ in any way and in many cases resemble the same methods employed by international terrorists to promote their causes, in that they advocate through the posting of messages, emails, and public statements to Internet websites: murder, violence, death, oppression, mob mentality, intentional infliction of emotional distress, terror, defamation, identify theft, character assassination, threats to murder or firebomb the homes of individuals, and threats to overthrow governmental systems.

51. Although OSS and Linux both state goals and ideals which are attractive, such as freedom to innovate, freedom to develop new technology, and free access to software and computer technology, efforts by competing open source efforts to develop or create new development communities are routinely attacked publicly by OSS and Linux members through a variety of oppressive means over the public Internet, such as threats of: murder, violence, death, oppression, mob mentality, intentional infliction of emotional distress, terror, defamation, identify theft, character assassination, threats to murder or firebomb the homes of individuals, and threats to overthrow governmental systems.

52. Many of these activities fall within the definitions under the Patriot Act and other Federal Legislation designed to protect the American People as acts of domestic terrorism.

53. The Santa Cruz Operation (“SCO”) recently filed lawsuits in State and Federal Court attempting to protect their intellectual property rights against Linux and OSS and subsequently alleged that IBM and other companies had participated in a scheme to steal it's intellectual property and place it into the OSS and Linux movements.

54. As a result of these filings, Perens, the leader of Linux and OSS, and members of OSRM Pamela Jones and other members of OSS and Linux erected websites and the public Internet in an attempt to undermine SCO's lawsuits and claims through a variety of oppressive means over the public Internet, such as threats of: murder, violence, death, oppression, mob mentality, intentional infliction of emotional distress, terror, defamation, identify theft, character assassination, tortious interference, negligent misrepresentation, threats to murder or firebomb the homes of individuals, and threats to overthrow governmental systems.

55. Not content to merely focus on the facts and claims of SCO and others brought in Federal and State Courts, the named defendants also participated in efforts to publicly attack not only SCO, but anyone in their view was considered an enemy of their viewpoints and goals for OSS and Linux.

56. Almost all of the companies, groups, and individuals attacked on the Groklaw websites and by Pamela Jones are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (“Mormons”) , and against business entities who employee, are funded by, owned by, or operated by Mormons. These websites also attack other groups who support or espouse cherished beliefs or positive views of Native American Society, Culture, and Spirituality.

57. During October of 2004, Mr. Merkey offered to purchase a fork of the Linux kernel from Linux and OSS members for an internal Open Source project whose intent was to support education and development of computer development skills within Native American Communities. Mr. Merkey secured $50,000.00 from private contributors to fund and sponsor this project within the Cherokee Nation.

58. This offer was originally suggested by Alan Cox, a Linux member who proposed to Plaintiff that he might wish to consider offering a buyout of certain Linux copyrights to support this project.

59. OSS and Linux responded in a venomous manner to this proposal and while many members accepted the proposal, Perens, OSRM, and Groklaw and those acting in concert with them opposed it, and used their influence with OSS and Linux members by posting messages through the public Internet to defame and threaten Plaintiff through a variety of means, such as threats of: murder, violence, death, oppression, mob mentality, intentional infliction of emotional distress, terror, defamation, identify theft, character assassination, tortious interference, negligent misrepresentation, threats to murder or firebomb the homes of individuals, and threats to overthrow governmental systems.

60. Perens posted Internet messages on LWN.net stating to Linux and OSS members that “Merkey works for SCO,” and that “Merkey should be placed in a file of people to be killed”. Merkey has not or ever worked for SCO or the Canopy Group.

61. Perens made public statements to news reporters, in public speeches, emails, and Internet postings “Merkey works for SCO” and “Merkey works for the Canopy Group”. Merkey has not or ever worked for SCO or the Canopy Group.


62. Perens made public statements to Linux and OSS members, news reporters, and in public speeches, “Merkey stole Novell's intellectual property”, and that “Merkey contaminated Linux with Novell's Intellectual Property.”

63. During the time period these events occurred, Jones and Perens were both employed by or affiliated with OSRM.

64. Jones subsequently obtained a copies of sealed and public Court Documents from sources unknown and posted them on the Groklaw website in a deliberate attempt to defame Merkey by holding him in a “false light” as a liar, thief, and saboteur, as an undercover agent of SCO and the Canopy Group, and as an illegal drug user. The information presented and her statements were intended to create a misleading belief in OSS and Linux that Merkey “worked for Microsoft” and “worked for SCO” and “stole Novell's intellectual property.” and falsely portrayed Merkey as a dangerously deranged criminal who used illegal drugs. These messages were a deliberate attempt to create hate, and publicly defame Merkey, invade his privacy, and tortiously interfere with his conduct. Jones also allowed Groklaw members and acted in concert with them to post libelous comments and postings on Groklaw impersonating Merkey and stealing his identity.

65. Jones then modified the content of her website by removing positive comments in support or Merkey and encouraging OSS and Linux members to post negative comments. In removing positive comments, Jones was in effect molding the content and message of the website to portray a message she wished to publish to the world, and subsequently acted as an alter-ego of Groklaw in exercising her right of Expressive Association of her message, and in doing so, became personally liable for the content and messages portrayed by Groklaw in these articles and postings.

66. Numerous other websites took up the call within Linux and OSS, including Merkey.net, Ip-Wars.net, slashdot.org, finchhaven.com, Yahoo.com, Pagan Savage.com, and others under the directives of their leader, Perens, the self appointed “colonel” of Linux and OSS.

67. Finchahven hosted and published statements that “Merkey recants or does more peyote.” and “Merkey works in close comfort with SCO”.

68. Merkey.net posted comments stating “merkey is a homophobic nutcase” and comments that Merkey should be killed, murdered, and was a moron, peyote addict, worked for SCO, and language attacking his race and religion. Merkey.net also posted private emails and modified the content of these emails and invaded Merkey's privacy by publishing these emails on the Internet in an attempt to defame him and tortiously interfere with his conduct.

69. Ip-Wars.net posted stories and content stating Merkey worked for SCO and was a peyote user and drug addict, advocating his murder, and attacking his race, religion, and beliefs, and in posting content that invaded his privacy.

70. Pagansavage posted comments Merkey was a “*censored*tard”, “Moron”, advocated his murder and death, advocated he take his own life, made threats to murder and rape his wife and children, and even made threats to murder his unborn children in the womb. These statements were vile and outrageous. Pagan Savage also posted private emails that invaded Merkeys privacy, and modified many of these emails and engaged in identify theft.

71. All of these websites subsequently attached their defamatory content to googles search engines using a computer hacking technique known as “Google spamming” or “google bombing” to manipulate Google's page ranking system that ensured that Internet users searching for content on the name “Jeff Merkey” would display results for these stories and weblogs before any other entry and in affect intercepted searches on Mr. Merkey in order to promote libelous content to the world at large. In manipulating Googles ranking system thorugh external “hacking” and using these techniques to associate selected defamatory content with Merkey's name, including the posting of private emails, defendants engaged in identity theft and violated Merkey's first ammendment right of expressive association and rights to privacy.

72. Slashdot posted an article in response to Merkey filing an email complaint with the FBI in Richmond Virginia which alleged Merkey.net was hacking google and making threats to murder him. Slashdot then solicited comments, then posted comments Merkey should be murdered, killed, censored and other threats. These comments and threats remained posted on slashdot.org for over 6 months.

72. All of these comments and actions by members of OSS and Linux are a direct and proximate result of Perens posting and advocating Merkey's murder by posting statements on the public Internet that Merkey should be “placed in a file of people to be killed”, and that he “stole Novell intellectual property” and that he “contaminated Linux within Novell intellectual property.”

73. Subsequent to these comments, Perens also asserted his role of the leader of Linux and OSS in stating on public websites and public postings, he was meeting with Kris Magnusun of Novell and was negotiating Merkeys “contamination of Linux.” In addition to engaging slander of title on Merkey's source projects in Linux, Perens was also engaging in conversion and tortious interference in inserting himself between Merkey and Novell and purporting to deal with business matters relative to Merkey's intellectual property.

74. Merkey contacted Jones at Groklaw via email and requested removal of the content and court pleadings on her website and stated if she did not comply, he would have a Subpoena issued from State Court in Utah to determine where she had obtained copies of sealed court records. In response to this email, Jones responded by email stating she wold spoil ate and destroy emails and other evidence should she be serveed with a subpoena. She then refused to provide an address of service and evaded attempts to located her physical address.

75. Merkey then initiated efforts to track down Jones and discover here physical address of service, and discovered a shocking trail of deception, identify theft, and misinformation. Jones left several addresses at the local Utah Courts, and all of them proved to be fraudulent. By way of example, Jones left an address of PO Box 1986 in White Plains, NY which was registered to Ben I. Auerbach in Queens, NY. Based upon the convoluted trail, Jones had clearly engaged in deliberate deception to Courts across the US and providing false and fraudulent information to Court clerks, US Postal Service, and other officers of the Court as to true physical address for which she obtained public pleadings via the US mails.

76. Maureen O'Gara, a highly respected journalist in New York tracked Jones to her physical address of service and published a news story disclosing the same.

77. To Jones credit, the effort of tracking down the physical address of Jones was considerable and took considerable concerted effort.

Plaintiff's relationship with Novell

78. Merkey was a Chief Scientist of Novell until he resigned from the company in April of 1997.

79. During the final 6 months of his employment at Novell, Merkey was subjected to Sexual Harassment by a Novell Executive which facts are more fully described in Civil Case number 2:98-CV-0311DB which is attached at Exhibit 1 to this complaint.

80. Merkey filed an internal compliant while at Novell with the Novell legal department after these events occurred against the Novell Executives involved in the incident.

81. Merkey was subsequently subjected to retaliation by Novell's management for filing the complaint, and the situation became so untenable, Merkey resigned from the company to pursue other interests.

82. After Merkey resigned, Novell filed a lawsuit in State Court alleging he misappropriated trade secrets, stole source code, and interfered with Novell's business interests in other ways.

83. After almost a year of litigation, multiple hearings, and failed attempts by Novell to produce any evidence Merkey took trade secrets, source code, or used it's intellectual property, with the exception of making claims that slides and public white papers presented at a public conference and distributed at “Brainshare Conference” to Microsoft and other attendees at the conference were trade secrets, and old marketing materials which were inadvertantly left in their homes, the State Court issued a preliminary injunction holding that Merkey took trade secrets by using his “work experience” and “negative knowledge” under a controversial legal doctrine called the doctrine of inevitable disclosure.

84. Novell presented in 4 separate hearings each lasting 3-4 days, and at the end of each hearing when their trade secret claims were shown to be baseless, moved for multiple continuances to prolong the State case. At the conclusion of final hearing, the court issued a ruling granting a preliminary injunction. This ruling specifically stated “no Novell source code had been used by defendants.”

85. Merkey filed a complaint with the EEOC and UADD alleging the lawsuit and Novell's actions were retaliation for filing sexual harassment charges against Novell's executives. At the time, the individuals directing the lawsuit internally at Novell were the same individuals Merkey had originally filed internal charges against for participating in sexual harassment and retaliation.

86. The EEOC, after 18 months of investigation as prescribed by Federal Law, issued Merkey right to sue Novell in Federal Court.

87. Merkey filed suit in US District Court against Novell, and the executives involved in the trade secret litigation alleging sexual harassment, retaliation, and violation of his civil rights in bring a frivolous trade secret case to harrass him and destroy his career, reputation, and business. Within 1 week of the suit being filed and served, Novell proposed settlement of both suits and submitted a proposed settlement to both litigations.

88. All of the executives involved with the exception of Eric Schmidt resigned and left the company under mysterious circumstances. Based upon their rapid and sudden departures, the only logical conclusion is that they were fired by Novell's Board of Directors and Eric Schmidt. Eric Schmidt also was reported to have been fired by Novell's Board of Directors on several news sites, for, among other things, viewing Internet pornography with Novell equipment and Novell facilities.

89. Novell proposed in the settlement agreement attached at Exhibit 2 and filed under seal of the Court: a total release of past, present and future claims, patent cross license, and the right to use Novell's entire arsenal of trade secrets retained by Merkey in “intangible form.”

90. The settlement agreement allowed future litigation and reasonable disclosure of it's terms in Federal Court proceedings by stating in Section 3, “It shall not be a violation of this Settlement agreement to refer members of the press or public ... to public records on file at the state and federal courthouse ...”.
91. The agreement stated, “ .... The parties [Novell] in the Sexual Harassment and Trade Secret Litigation desire to compromise and settle .... the Sexual Harassment Litigation without further litigation...”

92. The agreement stated “ ... Merkey is released from all past, present, and future claims whether known or unknown, and all obligations, agreements, and liability.....” This release functioned as a patent cross license and covenant not to sue, and released and transferred all trade secrets, knowledge, skill, and any other non-tangible intellectual property possessed by Merkey by removing his obligations to maintain the information in confidence as required under the Uniform Trade Secret Act adopted by the State of Utah.

93. Novell further stated in the permanent injunction which was a part of the settlement agreement, Merkey was not allowed to posses 10 year old source code of NetWare or Wolf Mountain or use it in exchange for the right to use all “intangible” knowledge in his possession, whether considered a Novell trade secret or not. Since there was little value in antiquated and unused source code from Netware products which are no longer in use in Novell's relevant markets, Merkey viewed the permanent injunction as moot, since he had not possessed Novell source code unlawfully, and the State Court had issued a specific finding that “no Novell source was used by Merkey” during or following the trade secret litigation.

94. The affect of this language was to in affect grant to Merkey the unfettered right to use patents, trade secrets, and the sum total of Novell's vast body of intellectual property in any projects he wished and endeavored to create.

95. This agreement nullified the preliminary injunction and represented a 180 degree shift in Novell's position regarding it's professed concerns over protecting its trade secrets. This was particularly true given the fact Novell was facing at the time a multi-billion dollar Sexual Harassment action in Federal Court and possible criminal indictment of it's executives and Board of Directors for their actions in the trade secret litigation in setting up dozens of Novell employees to commit perjury in State Court in a futile attempt to prove it's merit less claims.

96. Subsequent to execution of the Settlement Agreement, Novell employees, acting contrary to Novell's wishes and the wishes of it's management, embarked on a press campaign to convince the industry Merkey had been “silenced”, “put in his place”, “dealt with”, “admitted his wrongdoing”. Novell subsequent to receiving emails and complaints from Merkey sent an internal announcement admonishing it's employees and directing them to cease in making any comments publicly regarding Merkey or the litigation. Novell also directed Merkey to keep the terms and his “carte blanche” grant of rights to use Novell's body of intellectual property, patents, trade secrets, and other intellectual property confidential outside of State and Federal legal proceedings for purposes unknown to Plaintiff, but surely known to Novell.

97. The language of the agreement reflects a belief in asking the parties to state publicly “... we are not inclined to speculate at this time about what, if any, business opportunities may evolve between the parties in the future...” that Novell potentially was considering or anticipating future business opportunities between the parties.

98. The settlement agreement between the parties also granted Novell Audit rights into Merkey's development efforts in Section 5. The agreement provide Novell the right to conduct 3 audits over a 2 year period. Novell subsequently audited Merkey twice relative to the terms of this agreement and determined that Merkey neither possessed nor was using any Novell Source code.

99. Based on these facts, Perens in making statements Merkey had “Walked out of Novell with Source Code” and that Merkey had “contaminated Linux with Novell's IP” and that Merkey's work “contained Novell's IP” are libel, defamation, and slander of title, and were made with reckless disregard for the truth.

100. Based on these facts, Jones and Groklaw in posting preliminary rulings from the Novell vs. Merkey lawsuit, holding Merkey in a “false light” and misrepresenting the final adjudication of the case, have enaged in libel, defamation, and slander of title relative to Merkey's work in Linux and OSS and other areas of the industry.

101. As the result of Defendants’ unlawful conduct acting in concert to intentionally and maliciously deprive the Plaintiffs of their federal and state constitutional and statutory rights set forth herein, Plaintiff continues to suffer the irreparable loss and deprivation of their federal and state constitutional and statutory rights alleged herein; damage to their reputations, good name and standing in the community; the expenditure of funds for the substantial attorney’s fees and costs, in the malicious and unfounded defamation, severe emotional distress, slander of title to his intellectual property, and being subjected to domestically sponsored terrorism by threatening to murder him and his family.

CAUSES OF ACTION

FIRST CLAIM FOR RELIEF

To Redress Defendants’ Deprivation Of Plaintiffs’ Rights To Freely Associate And Freely Exercise Their Fundamental Religious Beliefs And Practices, Right to Expressively Associate, and Protected Freedom of Speech, all Guaranteed To Plaintiffs Under The First And Fourteenth Amendments

102. Plaintiffs hereby reallege and incorporate each and every allegation contained in Paragraphs 1 through 101 as if fully set forth herein.

103. By engaging in the conduct described herein, one or more of the Defendants have and continue to deprive Plaintiffs of their rights to freely associate for religious purposes and to freely exercise of their religious beliefs and practices, engage in freedom of speech and the right of expressive association, in violation of Plaintiffs’ rights under the First and Fourteenth Amendments to the United States Constitution.

104. As a direct and proximate result of the conduct of one or more of the Defendants described above, Plaintiffs have and continue to suffer general and special damages in amounts to be determined and proved at the time of trial.

105. The acts of one or more of the Defendants described above, were intentional, wanton, malicious and oppressive, thus entitling Plaintiffs to an award of punitive damages against the responsible Defendants.

106. Wherefore, Plaintiffs pray for judgment against Defendants, jointly and severally, for compensatory general, special, consequential and punitive damages in amounts to be proved at trial, declaratory judgment, and temporary, preliminary and permanent injunctive relief, plus costs of this action, attorney’s fees and costs, and for such other and further relief as the Court deems fair and appropriate under the circumstances.

SECOND CLAIM FOR RELIEF

(Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress)

107. Plaintiffs hereby reallege and incorporate each and every allegation contained in paragraphs 1 through 106, as if fully set forth herein.

108. By engaging in the conduct described above, one or more of the Defendants were and/or are acting maliciously, arbitrarily, capriciously, and oppressively, and with the intent to murder or cause the death of Plaintiff, by inflicting severe emotional distress on Plaintiff and his family by threatening to murder plaintiff, firebomb his home, murder his wife and children, by defaming Plaintiff publicly, engaging in slander of title, and other vile and outrageous conduct committed with the express purpose of inflicting a level of emotional distress to such an extent, that Plaintiff and his family to commit suicide, and by advocating Plaintiff commit suicide in emails, statements, newspaper articles and other public forums.

109. By engaging in the conduct described above, one or more of the Defendants were and/or are intentionally subjecting Plaintiffs to severe emotional distress, and said conduct is vile, outrageous, malicious, and oppressive.

110. As a direct and proximate result of Defendants’ conduct, Plaintiffs have and will continue to suffer compensatory and special damages in amounts to be determined and proved at the time of trial.

111. Defendants’ acts as described above were and are intentional, wanton, malicious and oppressive, thus entitling Plaintiffs to an award of punitive damages on this claim against the responsible Defendants.

112. Wherefore, Plaintiffs pray for judgment against Defendants, jointly and severely, for compensatory and special damages in an amount to be proved at trial, for declaratory, preliminary and permanent injunctive relief against such unlawful conduct, and for punitive damages in an amount to be proved at trial, plus costs of this action, attorney’s fees and costs and such other relief as the Court deems fair and appropriate under the circumstances.

THIRD CLAIM FOR RELIEF

(Slander of Title)

113. Plaintiffs hereby reallege and incorporate each and every allegation contained in paragraphs 1 through 112, as if fully set forth herein.

114. By engaging in the foregoing conduct, one or more of the Defendants arbitrarily and capriciously deprived Plaintiff of his intellectual property rights and/or liberty without due process or equal protection of law, in violation of the Due Process and Equal Protection Clauses of the Fourteenth Amendment of the United States Constitution.

115. As a direct and proximate result of the conduct of one or more of the Defendants as described above, Plaintiffs have and will continue to suffer general and special damages in amounts to be proved at the time of trial.

116. Defendants acted intentionally, wantonly, maliciously and oppressively, thus entitling Plaintiffs to an award of punitive damages against Defendants.

117. Wherefore, Plaintiffs pray for judgment against the Defendants, jointly and severally for general, special, consequential and punitive damages in an amount to be proved at trial, preliminary and permanent injunctive relief enjoining the Defendants’ unlawful conduct, plus costs of this action, attorney’s fees and such other and further relief as the court deems fair and appropriate under the circumstances.

FOURTH CLAIM FOR RELIEF

To Redress Defendants’ Deprivation Of Plaintiffs’ Privacy Guaranteed To Plaintiffs Under the First Amendment and Fourteenth Amendments To The United States Constitution

118. Plaintiffs hereby reallege and incorporate each and every allegation contained in paragraphs 1 through 117, as if fully set forth herein.

119. By unlawfully obtaining access to sealed court documents and private emails; publishing these records, modifying their content and portraying their content in a false light; and by publicly holding the Plaintiff in a "false light" -- by falsely and maliciously accusing Plaintiff of engaging in criminal activity and illegal drug use of peyote – to the public, including by means of the public news media, one or more Defendants violated the Plaintiffs’ right to privacy guaranteed by the First and Fourteenth Amendments to the United States Constitution.

120. As a direct and proximate result of the foregoing conduct of one or more of the Defendants as described above, Plaintiff has and will continue to suffer general and special damages in amounts that cannot yet be determined but will be proved at the time of trial.

121. The acts of one or more of the Defendants described above were intentional, wanton, malicious and oppressive, thus entitling Plaintiffs to an award of punitive damages against these Defendants.

122. Wherefore, Plaintiffs pray for judgment against Defendants, jointly and severally, for general, special and punitive damages in amounts to be proved at trial, declaratory judgment, and temporary, preliminary and permanent injunctive relief against Defendants’ unlawful conduct, plus costs of this action, attorney’s fees and such other and further relief as the Court deems fair and appropriate under the circumstances.

FIFTH CLAIM FOR RELIEF

(Defamation)

123. Plaintiffs hereby reallege and incorporate each and every allegation contained in paragraphs 1 through 122, as if fully set forth herein.

124. Defendants, acting individual or in concert, acted unreasonably and in reckless disregard for the truth, in wrongfully posting defamatory emails, statements, and news articles, and public court rulings from a preliminary proceeding in a public forum which were based upon information which was, and which Defendants could reasonably have ascertained was, false, malicious, inaccurate, irrelevant and inadequate.

125. One or more of the foregoing Defendants failed to take any reasonable actions to verify the information provided, in the face of positive information which they knew cast doubt on the validity of this information, but chose to rely upon the misinformation even after informed that certain information was false, irrelevant or misleading.

126. As a result of their above described conduct, one or more of these Defendants deprived Plaintiffs of their fundamental rights as citizens of the United States of America to freely associate, expressively associate, and tortiously interfered with Plaintiff and engaged in slander of title.

127. As a direct and proximate result of Defendants’ foregoing conduct, Plaintiffs have and continue to suffer general and special damages in an amounts to be proved at trial.

128. The acts of one or more of the Defendants as described above, acting individually or in concert, were intentional, wanton, malicious and oppressive, thus entitling Plaintiffs to an award of punitive damages against these Defendants.

129. Wherefore, Plaintiffs pray for judgment against Defendants, jointly and severally, for general, special and punitive damages in an amount to be proved at trial, for declaratory and preliminary and permanent injunctive relief against such defamatory statements, plus costs of this action, attorney’s fees and such other and further relief as the Court deems fair and appropriate under the circumstances.


SIXTH CLAIM FOR RELIEF

(Tortious Interference)

130. Plaintiffs hereby reallege and incorporate each and every allegation contained in paragraphs 1 through 129, as if fully set forth herein.

131. The conduct of one or more of the Defendants, including but not limited to, their conduct of: Unlawfully harassing, intimidating, threatening, and otherwise substantially burdening the Plaintiff in the exercise their fundamental religious beliefs, freedom of speech, and the right of expressive association, by conspiring to murder and/or threatening to murder Plaintiff, enlisting and/or soliciting others to murder plaintiff, intentionally inflicting emotional distress upon plaintiff and advocating through public Internet postings and websites that Plaintiff commit suicide; and in stealing Plaintiff's identity on the public Internet and posting comments and emails which defame him, in engaging in slander of title of Plaintiff's intellectual property, in publicly defaming Plaintiff and tortiously interfering in Plaintiffs career and business and cultural relationships;

132. As a direct and proximate result of the actions of one or more of the Defendants, acting individually or in concert, Plaintiffs have and continue to suffer general and special damages in the amounts that to be determined and proved at the time of trial.

133. Defendants’ acts as described above were and are intentional, wanton, malicious, and oppressive, thus entitling Plaintiffs to an award of punitive damages.

134. Wherefore, Plaintiffs pray for judgment against Defendants, jointly and severally, for compensatory general and special damages in an amount to be proved at trial, and for declaratory, preliminary and permanent injunctive relief against such unlawful conduct, and for punitive damages in an amount to be proved at trial, plus costs of this action, attorney’s fees and such other and further relief as the court deems fair and appropriate under the circumstances.


SEVENTH CLAIM FOR RELIEF

For A Temporary Restraining Order, Preliminary And Permanent
Injunctions Restraining The Defendants From Further Deprivations Of
Plaintiffs’ Federal Constitutional Rights and Rights granted under Utah Law

135. Plaintiffs hereby reallege and incorporate each and every allegation contained in Paragraphs 1through 134 as if fully set forth herein.

136. As a proximate result of the Defendants’ unlawful policies, practices, customs, procedures, acts and omissions described herein, Plaintiff has and continues to suffer and be subjected to the immediate and irreparable injury and harm described herein.

137. As a further proximate result of the Defendants’ unlawful policies, practices, customs, procedures, acts and omissions described herein, Plaintiff has and continues to suffer and be subjected to immediate and irreparable injury and harm, including physical, psychological and emotional injury, and continuing fear, anxiety, depression, outrage.

138. Plaintiffs have no plain, speedy, adequate or complete remedy at law to redress the wrongs and continuing wrongs described herein. Plaintiff will continue to be irreparably harmed and injured unless the Court grants Plaintiff the temporary and permanent injunctive relief sought.

DEMAND FOR JURY TRIAL

139. Pursuant to Rule 38 of the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure, Plaintiffs hereby demand a jury trial on all issues of fact triable to a jury as of the time of trial.

PRAYER FOR RELIEF

Now, wherefore, Plaintiffs pray for relief against Defendants, as follows:

1.That the Court declare that the conduct of the Defendants alleged herein violated and/or continues to violate Plaintiffs’ federal constitutional and statutory rights alleged herein;

2.That the Court permanently restrain and enjoin the responsible Defendants, and all persons or entities acting in concert with them, from obstructing, withholding, seizing, or in any other manner, interfering with the conduct of Plaintiff in the exercise of his Constitutionally protected rights.

4.That the Court temporarily and permanently order the responsible Defendants and all persons acting in concert with them, to cease and desist in harassing, threatening, intimidating, threatening to murder, conspiring to murder Plaintiff and Plaintiff's family, posting Internet messages advocating their murder or suicide, and other vile and outrageous conduct intended to inflict severe emotional distress on Plaintiff and his family.

5.That the Court temporarily and permanently order the responsible Defendants to cease and desist from defaming and invading the privacy of the Plaintiff, by holding him in a "false light", and by portraying him as an illegal drug user in the public news media and other public forums, and from engaging in identity theft by posting Internet messages falsely attributed to Plaintiff.

6.That the Court temporarily and permanently order the Defendants and all persons acting in concert with them, to cease and desist in harassing, threatening, intimidating, and obstructing Plaintiffs title to intellectual property created by him and engaging in slander of title.

7.That the Court temporarily and permanently order the responsible Defendants and all persons or entities acting in concert with them, to cease and desist in their malicious and bad-faith interference with Plaintiff's business relationships, and from engaging in unfair competition by defaming Plaintiff, engaging in slander of title, tortious interference, and interfering in Plaintiffs efforts to promote economic development in Native American Communities.

9.That the Court retain jurisdiction over this case until the temporarily, preliminarily and permanent injunctive relief ordered by this Court is carried out;

10.That the jury award Plaintiffs with such general, consequential, special and punitive damages sought herein in the amounts proved at trial; and

11.That the Court award Plaintiff the reasonable attorney’s fees and costs incurred in the prosecution of this action together with such additional relief as to the Court appears necessary and just in the premises.

DATED this _______ day of June, 2005


Jeffrey Vernon Merkey


VERIFICATION
STATE OF UTAH )
:ss
COUNTY OF __________________)

I hereby swear and affirm that the statements made in the foregoing Complaint are true and correct to the best of my knowledge and ability.

______________________________
Jeffrey V. Merkey

JEFFREY V. MERKEY personally appeared before me this ___ day of June, 2005, swore on his oath that the facts stated in the foregoing document are true and correct to the best of his knowledge and ability and executed the foregoing before me.

______________________________
NOTARY

Ultragrill (ex machina), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 21:54 (eighteen years ago) link

19. Both Merkey and Meuller or at present 45 years of age.

20. Frau Meuller is a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormons”) and participates in numerous non-profit programs with the Mormons and local community.

21. Merkey is not a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and practices the ancient beliefs of Ani-yv-wi-ha, the traditional religion of his culture and people.

22. Merkey is the presiding elder of the Utah Native American Church which is incorporated as a non-profit Corporation Sole in good standing with the State of Utah.

23. Although Native American Churches at times use peyote in their religious rituals, Merkey and Meuller, and the majority of the members of the Utah Native American Church do not use peyote as this is not the traditional religion of their culture. Some of the Dine (Navajo), Ute, and Delaware Indian members of the church do participate in these peyote ceremonies and use peyote as prescribed by their unique cultures. By Church policy these ceremonies are hosted only on the home Indian Reservations of specific members is who engage in this practice and can only be attended by Indians as defined under the 1994 amendments to the American Indian Religious Freedom Act. Merkey has on many occasions made public statements discouraging peyote use by Native Americans who do not use peyote as part of their traditional culture. These statements have appeared in local articles and newspapers.

Ultragrill (ex machina), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 21:56 (eighteen years ago) link

http://www.merkeylaw.com/

Ultragrill (ex machina), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 21:59 (eighteen years ago) link

i'm going to be a lawyer

caitlin oh no (caitxa1), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 21:59 (eighteen years ago) link

hooray 4 referrals

86 HAVE YOU EVER NEEDED SOMEONE SO BAD DEF LEPPARD (deangulberry), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 22:15 (eighteen years ago) link

33. Defendants DOES 1 through 200 are individuals whose identities are not yet known, but whose internet handles are documented on the "Noize Board and Pickle Bar." They are collectively known as the "Noize Boys," and they think their power drill symphonies are so much more sophisticated than everyone else. Their politically incorrect putdowns are so “gay” and punk rock, when really, their language parallels the rise of conservatism in this country.

34. At all times referred to herein, Defendants, individually or in concert with others, acted maliciously, and/or intentionally, and/or with deliberate indifference to Plaintiffs’ federal constitutional and statutory rights described herein and rights under Utah State Law.

35. Furthermore, Defendants have acted self righteously, with much crying and penis rubbing, in order to put down anything that a reasonable person would like, if it happens to be female-identified.

86 HAVE YOU EVER NEEDED SOMEONE SO BAD DEF LEPPARD (deangulberry), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 22:23 (eighteen years ago) link

Your honor, the defense moves to strike "penis rubbing" and offer instead "weiner oscillation".

gygax! (gygax!), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 22:27 (eighteen years ago) link

you are all in contempt of my court

cutty (mcutt), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 22:39 (eighteen years ago) link

Mistrial! The judge is fondling himself.

86 HAVE YOU EVER NEEDED SOMEONE SO BAD DEF LEPPARD (deangulberry), Wednesday, 22 June 2005 22:43 (eighteen years ago) link

four years pass...

some pretty intense drama went down today on the Wisconsin Hispanic Lawyers Association mailing list~

From: Alan
To: Wisconsin Hispanic Lawyers Association
Sent: Thu Jan 21 08:54:09 2010
Subject: WHLA event

Comment from a member of the public can't believe this...
Not only are they holding the event at a “Mexican” Restaurant that is not owned by Mexicans,
They are having this party outside of the Latino community vicinity. Viva La Raza!

From: Enrique
To: Wisconsin Hispanic Lawyers Association
Sent: Thursday, January 21, 2010 10:00 AM
Subject: Re: WHLA event

What's your deal, Alan? You seem intent on fomenting controversy/conspiracy where there is none. Please save your adversarial comments for your practice.
-Enrique

From: Peter
Sent: Thursday, January 21, 2010 9:53 PM
To: Wisconsin Hispanic Lawyers Association
Subject: RE: WHLA event

Alan,
Why do you continue to make absurd statements? Enrique’s comment was not a personal attack.
If you do not like where the party is being held do not attend.
If you have a problem with the ethnic makeup of the owners of El Fuego, I suggest you take your issues up with them personally.
Let us see how long they tolerate your nonsense.
Peter

From: Alan
Sent: Thursday, January 21, 2010 10:09 PM
To: Wisconsin Hispanic Lawyers Association
Subject: RE: WHLA event

Enrique’s comment was not just a personal attack, it was ANOTHER ONE. You accusing me of making a nonsensical statement because of a tame criticism by me, is also a personal attack, typical of your attitude towards me. The family that owns El Fuego are friends of mine. I have no criticism of them. You don’t get it. This group is having the event outside the Hispanic community at a place not owned by Latinos is very consistent with this group’s elitist attitudes, a comment made by another, and I will not name him, but he is correct. As a member, I and anyone else can criticize. It’s a little concept called the first amendment, which some lawyers are not familiar with or have no respect for it. You, Peter, think you are above criticism. There are a hundred Latino businesses that could use the business in these difficult times.

From: Peter
Date: Thu, Jan 21, 2010 at 10:44 PM
Subject: RE: WHLA event
To: Wisconsin Hispanic Lawyers Association

Alan,
Let us set matters straight. Your “tame criticism” like your response to my comment speaks volumes about you as a person and a lawyer.
First, it is unnecessary and foolish on your part to talk down to me or any member of this organization. Perhaps you should take your business elsewhere. I feel safe saying- although I am not speaking on behalf of- most of the membership would be better served if you did.
Second, there are members of this organization that are committed and dedicated to maintaining and keeping it viable and well respected. I am referring to the officers and countless others who give a large amount of their time.
Third, I am still convinced after all these years that you have an injudicious understanding of the First Amendment.
Finally, I do not want to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man, but you cannot be serious about your last statement. What next, the Asian bar should have their party at an Asian owned business, the Jewish Bar should have their party at the JCC, the African American Bar should have their party at an African American owned business, the Justinian Society should have their party at the ICC… shall I keep going?
This group is the furthest from “Elitist”. I am just sorry you do not get it.

iiiijjjj, Friday, 22 January 2010 05:26 (fourteen years ago) link

I do not want to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man,

Joint Custody (ian), Friday, 22 January 2010 05:30 (fourteen years ago) link

i'm 100% with alan on this one btw. el fuego is some straight B.S. (bull shit), as evidenced by this JPEG image depicting its colonial spanish hacienda interior

http://i49.tinypic.com/sd0nyu.jpg

iiiijjjj, Friday, 22 January 2010 05:45 (fourteen years ago) link

i know we're not really supposed to "do meta" or whatever, but is it okay to say that i imagine these guys are the gabbnebs of their particular lawyering assosciating?

Joint Custody (ian), Friday, 22 January 2010 06:06 (fourteen years ago) link

i'm mostly annoyed that a guy who can't put a coherent sentence together is employed while i am not.

tehresa, Friday, 22 January 2010 06:14 (fourteen years ago) link

lawyers are so fucking boring

randy e. bugler (jeff), Friday, 22 January 2010 08:18 (fourteen years ago) link

i am boring yes

sir ilx-a-lot (cutty), Friday, 22 January 2010 12:36 (fourteen years ago) link

i will be here tomorrow LOLZ

http://developdontdestroy.org/php/latestnews_ArchiveDate.php

sir ilx-a-lot (cutty), Thursday, 28 January 2010 15:20 (fourteen years ago) link

boondoggle

♖♕♖ (am0n), Thursday, 28 January 2010 15:56 (fourteen years ago) link

DDDB

Joint Custody (ian), Thursday, 28 January 2010 16:18 (fourteen years ago) link

will you be opposing this petition cutty

harbl, Thursday, 28 January 2010 19:41 (fourteen years ago) link

you got me all wrong!

sir ilx-a-lot (cutty), Thursday, 28 January 2010 19:44 (fourteen years ago) link

i do eminent domain for NYC. so i certainly would not be opposing this. but this is a state project, so i am not involved. i will be there opposing a motion on my own proceeding.

but i'll get to watch the madness.

sir ilx-a-lot (cutty), Thursday, 28 January 2010 19:45 (fourteen years ago) link

oh ok, i knew you worked for the city but didn't know if the city didn't want to eminent domain it or how that process works

harbl, Thursday, 28 January 2010 19:51 (fourteen years ago) link

ah, i see. the city has put in many amicus briefs supporting the atlantic yards project.

sir ilx-a-lot (cutty), Thursday, 28 January 2010 19:52 (fourteen years ago) link

i will be at the c3ntral b0oking and int4ke facility

harbl, Thursday, 28 January 2010 19:53 (fourteen years ago) link

unnecessary googleproofing? i dunno

harbl, Thursday, 28 January 2010 19:53 (fourteen years ago) link

I said it elsewhere but second day at new job today

sexy accused

I think ur a probotector (cozen), Thursday, 28 January 2010 19:55 (fourteen years ago) link

accuseds have bad breath imo

harbl, Thursday, 28 January 2010 19:56 (fourteen years ago) link

accused bologna breath

sir ilx-a-lot (cutty), Thursday, 28 January 2010 19:58 (fourteen years ago) link

dammmmmmn contentious stuff is reaaaaaaaall boring; so tedious and laborious

I think ur a probotector (cozen), Friday, 29 January 2010 21:18 (fourteen years ago) link

"i'm sure superman would have quit ages ago if he didn't get to rescue a grateful kid or a hottie from time to time"
makes u think

forksclovetofu, Friday, 29 January 2010 21:45 (fourteen years ago) link

cutty are u like an actual practicing lawyer

scent of a wolfman (s1ocki), Friday, 29 January 2010 21:55 (fourteen years ago) link

I'm not (anymore)

I think ur a probotector (cozen), Friday, 29 January 2010 21:56 (fourteen years ago) link

coz u were a lawyer? not just a borad lawyer?

forksclovetofu, Friday, 29 January 2010 22:00 (fourteen years ago) link

is gabbneb anti-boondoggle

♖♕♖ (am0n), Friday, 29 January 2010 22:09 (fourteen years ago) link

boongabble

forksclovetofu, Friday, 29 January 2010 22:10 (fourteen years ago) link

gabnebble

iiiijjjj, Friday, 29 January 2010 22:21 (fourteen years ago) link

I am qualified but don't practice, forks

I think ur a probotector (cozen), Friday, 29 January 2010 22:27 (fourteen years ago) link

how did you get near the sexy accused then coz

harbl, Friday, 29 January 2010 22:28 (fourteen years ago) link

he's the accuser

♖♕♖ (am0n), Friday, 29 January 2010 22:36 (fourteen years ago) link

$$$ working freelance $$$

I think ur a probotector (cozen), Friday, 29 January 2010 22:39 (fourteen years ago) link

not as lawyer (I don't do contentious/court work usually) just doing a watching brief for a client

court hours (10-4) and mad skrilla :D

I think ur a probotector (cozen), Friday, 29 January 2010 22:39 (fourteen years ago) link

it's true, freelance work is what commands the big $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Daniel, Esq., Friday, 29 January 2010 22:41 (fourteen years ago) link

cutty are u like an actual practicing lawyer

yes

sir ilx-a-lot (cutty), Friday, 29 January 2010 23:35 (fourteen years ago) link

i am a litigator

sir ilx-a-lot (cutty), Friday, 29 January 2010 23:36 (fourteen years ago) link

cutty what is your onbike nutrition for 80 miles in Zone 3 with about 7k feet of gross climbing?

┌∩┐(◕_◕)┌∩┐ (Steve Shasta), Saturday, 30 January 2010 00:00 (fourteen years ago) link

i dont think you should spend 80 miles in Z3

sir ilx-a-lot (cutty), Saturday, 30 January 2010 00:17 (fourteen years ago) link

what if youre on the program and being paid to drag LA to the bottom la mongie

u b ilxin' (Hunt3r), Saturday, 30 January 2010 01:46 (fourteen years ago) link

then it's your job!!! 80 miles in Z4

sir ilx-a-lot (cutty), Saturday, 30 January 2010 01:47 (fourteen years ago) link

coz, are you like a bannister? or a railgrip? what the hell do you britishes call it?

forksclovetofu, Saturday, 30 January 2010 05:25 (fourteen years ago) link

INCONTROVERTABLE PROOF OF HOW EXCITING LAWYERS ARE

http://www.youtube.com/user/MarriageTrial#p/a/u/1/6zLtYQ6K1rI

Daniel, Esq., Friday, 5 February 2010 03:08 (fourteen years ago) link

Sorry, "incontrovertible."

Actually, it is a very interesting reenactment, but mostly to lawyers (i.e., insider baseball).

Daniel, Esq., Friday, 5 February 2010 03:10 (fourteen years ago) link

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ESJINXeBjhc

♖♕♖ (am0n), Friday, 5 February 2010 16:40 (fourteen years ago) link

What is a "document review" and what does it practically entail? I do not understand "contract law" in general I think.

Let's see how tough Aquaman is once we get him in the water. (Laurel), Friday, 5 February 2010 16:43 (fourteen years ago) link

JONES, ESQ.

sir ilx-a-lot (cutty), Friday, 5 February 2010 16:45 (fourteen years ago) link

laurel, document review is like--you are an attorney but your job is to wade through piles of e-discovery documents redacting privileged information. it's grunt work and it's pretty horrible work for someone to do permanently as a lawyer.

many people who couldn't/can't get jobs out of law school do this as a temp job, then find out later without any formal REAL lawyer training they will never get a job anywhere else. it's scary.

for temp work, it's not bad pay.

sir ilx-a-lot (cutty), Friday, 5 February 2010 16:47 (fourteen years ago) link

document review generally refers to a portion of discovery or litigation preparation. firms will often hire temporary "contract attorneys" (that is, they are not staff attorneys or associates) to do this. it is mind numbingly terrible usually, reading troves of email, correspondence or what have you, then making determinations as to the responsiveness of the document to a request for production. also, the docs will be reviewed for privilege or sensitivity, etc.

u b ilxin' (Hunt3r), Friday, 5 February 2010 16:48 (fourteen years ago) link

xpost.

u b ilxin' (Hunt3r), Friday, 5 February 2010 16:48 (fourteen years ago) link

in the UK it is often the trainees' job ;_;

cozen, Friday, 5 February 2010 16:50 (fourteen years ago) link

Ahh, thanks. Bf is native German-speaker and has degree/career in own country but not barred in US. He was doing doc review/e-discv as temp between jobs. Still getting calls for more of same. Good $$ but arrrgh.

Let's see how tough Aquaman is once we get him in the water. (Laurel), Friday, 5 February 2010 16:52 (fourteen years ago) link

money ain't bad and the overtime can get pretty lucrative.

sir ilx-a-lot (cutty), Friday, 5 February 2010 16:52 (fourteen years ago) link

my firm and others dont do overtime. that could be a local issue

u b ilxin' (Hunt3r), Friday, 5 February 2010 16:57 (fourteen years ago) link

i spent time (TOO MUCH time) on the doc review/e-discovery circuit. one firm i worked for was absolutely terrible; the other was actually quite good. and yes, the money was pretty good (esp. if you could work as long as you could stand it). i did it for as long as i did b/c of the money, so you could say that i got out of it what i wanted. it's true that it doesn't do anything for developing your skills as a lawyer, but (a) i already had pre-existing legal skills and knowledge on which to draw when i finally got out; and (b) dirty little secret of lawyering is that (w/ exceptions for the more arcane aspects of, say, tax law or something like patent law [where you really do need a scientific and/or engineering background]) most lawyering stuff DOES NOT REQUIRE a super-duper intellect. sure, you have to have SOME brains but really most stuff doesn't really require the absurd l-school pedigrees and "honors" that the snooty BigLaw firms require -- if you're halfway intelligent, have a law school education (so you at least know the lingo and way of thinking) and/or have some guidance (a mentor or two, reference to a good legal database) you can figure out most lawyerish shit.

FWIW, i got out of doc review hell b/c i was able to get into lol "bank compliance" work (pretty much a dead letter post-Lehman Bros/AIG). now i'm trying to go solo -- let's see how that works.

It's about a wheel, in the sky, that keeps on turning (Eisbaer), Wednesday, 10 February 2010 21:27 (fourteen years ago) link

yeah, it's only once u get inside the compound they tell u it doesn't matter if ur only halfway semi-literate

chris nibbs (cozen), Wednesday, 10 February 2010 21:30 (fourteen years ago) link

i know we're not really supposed to "do meta" or whatever, but is it okay to say that i imagine these guys are the gabbnebs of their particular lawyering assosciating?

the entire BigLaw portion of the profession is the gabbneb of lawyering associating. which is why that the only good thing about BigLaw is the paycheck.

It's about a wheel, in the sky, that keeps on turning (Eisbaer), Wednesday, 10 February 2010 21:31 (fourteen years ago) link

yeah, it's only once u get inside the compound they tell u it doesn't matter if ur only halfway semi-literate

― chris nibbs (cozen), Wednesday, February 10, 2010 4:30 PM (3 minutes ago)

this is too otm, it's sad

harbl, Wednesday, 10 February 2010 21:35 (fourteen years ago) link

Hey Eisbar, how did you get into the doc review thing? Not that it's a lofty ambition or anything, but you know ... it's good to be prepared in case it takes forever to find that first real job.

Spectrum, Wednesday, 10 February 2010 21:47 (fourteen years ago) link

hey burt

harbl, Wednesday, 10 February 2010 21:48 (fourteen years ago) link

check out the online job boards like CareerBuilder or Monster -- they're staffed by temp agencies (who, BTW, are the major source of evil in the doc review world) and if they need folks they'll advertise.

It's about a wheel, in the sky, that keeps on turning (Eisbaer), Wednesday, 10 February 2010 21:50 (fourteen years ago) link

they're on craigslist. seems like you can make big money if you're fluent in a rarer language like japanese or finnish!

harbl, Wednesday, 10 February 2010 21:52 (fourteen years ago) link

i actually know German pretty well -- not native, but well enough to get onto a German-language assignment if i wanted to. and while there are more German speakers in NYC than, say, Finnish or Dutch speakers, they aren't as dime-a-dozen in NYC as Spanish, Chinese or even French speakers so that keeps the hourly rate for that kind of work high.

of course, if you can speak Dutch or Korean AND there's work you can clean up doing that kind of work. provided yer brain doesn't explode from the tedium, of course.

It's about a wheel, in the sky, that keeps on turning (Eisbaer), Wednesday, 10 February 2010 21:56 (fourteen years ago) link

that said, a very good friend of mine has been kept alive after she got laid off during the beginning of the Great Recession by doing Spanish-language work (she's native Puerto Rican).

It's about a wheel, in the sky, that keeps on turning (Eisbaer), Wednesday, 10 February 2010 21:58 (fourteen years ago) link

German, eh, what degree of proficiency are they looking for? I studied reading German (lol lit academia) for about 6 years.

Spectrum, Wednesday, 10 February 2010 21:58 (fourteen years ago) link

a lot of the agencies have in-house tests to see if you're proficient and to what degree. the tests are tricky for non-natives but doable (and not at the level of difficulty that, say, the Goethe Institute would impose if you take one of their German language proficiency tests). of course, if shit needs to get done and you speak enough German to know what's going on (which is really all you need, you're not actually TRANSLATING) then you can get on that way as well.

It's about a wheel, in the sky, that keeps on turning (Eisbaer), Wednesday, 10 February 2010 22:02 (fourteen years ago) link

Ah, cool, thanks. I took a few Goethe Institut classes down at the NYU Washington Mews building ... they make you realize you knew nothing about the German language if you never encountered it actually being spoken.

Spectrum, Wednesday, 10 February 2010 22:18 (fourteen years ago) link

my mom just forwarded me this

Begin forwarded message:

How about this? It's all true!!


These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney Can I get a new attorney?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_____________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

harbl, Sunday, 14 February 2010 01:58 (fourteen years ago) link

im a lawyer for a govt agency (no tombot) and i get fwd'd ^that^ like twice a yr

johnny crunch, Sunday, 14 February 2010 02:04 (fourteen years ago) link

counselor.

sir ilx-a-lot (cutty), Sunday, 14 February 2010 02:33 (fourteen years ago) link

i didn't know j. crunch was an esq.

harbl, Sunday, 14 February 2010 02:35 (fourteen years ago) link

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

^lol

vag gangsta (k3vin k.), Sunday, 14 February 2010 02:41 (fourteen years ago) link

orallllll roberts university

harbl, Sunday, 14 February 2010 02:43 (fourteen years ago) link

http://www.trogerslawoffice.com/images/header_3.jpg

johnny crunch, Sunday, 14 February 2010 02:43 (fourteen years ago) link

lols-a-plenty. Makes me feel a little better about the examinations I've performed.

Spectrum, Sunday, 14 February 2010 23:04 (fourteen years ago) link

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney Can I get a new attorney?

lol

Daniel, Esq., Sunday, 14 February 2010 23:15 (fourteen years ago) link

http://www.bobpitch.com/anon/LionelHutz.jpg

millivanillimillenary (Trayce), Sunday, 14 February 2010 23:52 (fourteen years ago) link

three weeks pass...

^^^^^^ real lawyer ad, btw

Daniel, Esq., Wednesday, 10 March 2010 01:25 (fourteen years ago) link

omg

call all destroyer, Wednesday, 10 March 2010 01:26 (fourteen years ago) link

last year he apparently billed himself as "the thug lawyer." new year -- new ad.

Daniel, Esq., Wednesday, 10 March 2010 01:27 (fourteen years ago) link

i'm a partner at the "q" firm (quality)

shite new answers (cutty), Wednesday, 10 March 2010 01:27 (fourteen years ago) link

i'm a senior associate there.

Daniel, Esq., Wednesday, 10 March 2010 01:28 (fourteen years ago) link

"no evidence, no conviction"

Daniel, Esq., Wednesday, 10 March 2010 01:28 (fourteen years ago) link

good motto imo

Daniel, Esq., Wednesday, 10 March 2010 01:28 (fourteen years ago) link

there was a free publication (like a miniature magazine) you could pick up at a carry-out near where i used to live that seemed to be aimed at local drug dealers and had ads similar to that

harbl, Wednesday, 10 March 2010 01:28 (fourteen years ago) link

good niche practice.

Daniel, Esq., Wednesday, 10 March 2010 01:29 (fourteen years ago) link

gotta specialize these days

Daniel, Esq., Wednesday, 10 March 2010 01:29 (fourteen years ago) link

thinking baout this expungement special

harbl, Wednesday, 10 March 2010 01:31 (fourteen years ago) link

all federal and state courts.

impressive.

Daniel, Esq., Wednesday, 10 March 2010 01:33 (fourteen years ago) link

oic this is why he's in the news now http://www.2theadvocate.com/news/81635587.html?showAll=y&c=y

harbl, Wednesday, 10 March 2010 01:34 (fourteen years ago) link

he's gonna need an expungement special. if he's lucky ; )

harbl, Wednesday, 10 March 2010 01:34 (fourteen years ago) link

"this is an advertisement"

dont wanna go over any lines here

malicious humor victim (Hunt3r), Wednesday, 10 March 2010 03:30 (fourteen years ago) link

there could be a picture thread of brian "the bulldog" watkins, esq. ads so easily

^^^fictitious bulldog

malicious humor victim (Hunt3r), Wednesday, 10 March 2010 03:32 (fourteen years ago) link

if you are pulled over by law enforcement . . . always be polite. yes sir. no sir.

do not carry guns in your vehicle. especiallyin the presence of drugs.

good advices.

Daniel, Esq., Wednesday, 10 March 2010 03:34 (fourteen years ago) link

Do not be a drug dealer.

harbl, Wednesday, 10 March 2010 03:35 (fourteen years ago) link

toll free 1.888.88NOT ME

Daniel, Esq., Wednesday, 10 March 2010 03:36 (fourteen years ago) link

its not legal advice, its what my dear mother always told me, from the time i was a lad

malicious humor victim (Hunt3r), Wednesday, 10 March 2010 03:36 (fourteen years ago) link

http://abovethelaw.com/LA%27s%20Dopest%20Attorney.jpg

Daniel, Esq., Wednesday, 10 March 2010 03:37 (fourteen years ago) link

she's the dopest.

Daniel, Esq., Wednesday, 10 March 2010 03:37 (fourteen years ago) link

they shoulda made ted "former silverback gorilla"

malicious humor victim (Hunt3r), Wednesday, 10 March 2010 03:44 (fourteen years ago) link

mmmm, crappy lawyers. Some clients love this shit, though. When I was representing some lady ("I grew up with 50 Cent!" kinda shit), we were in a lobby waiting for our hearing. This huge muscled out frat dude lawyer guy struts out all douche style, probably gunning for a job at Smith & Liggett ... my client looks at him glowingly, and then looks at me with some kind-of "why'd I end up with him?" kinda look.

We ended up winning hands down. People don't understand being chill and prepared is the best strategy. All the best litigators I know are the mellowest people out there (potentially sociopaths).

Spectrum, Wednesday, 10 March 2010 05:01 (fourteen years ago) link

lol at the personal injury gorillas

iiiijjjj, Wednesday, 10 March 2010 05:48 (fourteen years ago) link

harvard law, affordable

shite new answers (cutty), Wednesday, 10 March 2010 13:12 (fourteen years ago) link

want to smoke pot on probation?

Daniel, Esq., Wednesday, 10 March 2010 13:23 (fourteen years ago) link

her outstretched arms in the picture make it look like she's about to take flight.

Daniel, Esq., Wednesday, 10 March 2010 13:23 (fourteen years ago) link

shes "famous" in LA

max, Wednesday, 10 March 2010 13:25 (fourteen years ago) link

her dad is a big legalization advocate, she has (used to have?) "sexxy" ads that ran in the back of the alt-weeklies

max, Wednesday, 10 March 2010 13:26 (fourteen years ago) link

yeah, she's kind of attractive. well, it's either her, or the prospect of being able to smoke pot on probation, that's attractive.

Daniel, Esq., Wednesday, 10 March 2010 13:33 (fourteen years ago) link

i saw some of 'intolerable cruelty' the other night

pretty gd funny imho

thank you for your time

the archetypal ghetto hustler (history mayne), Wednesday, 10 March 2010 13:35 (fourteen years ago) link

want to smoke pot on probation?

― Daniel, Esq., Wednesday, March 10, 2010 8:23 AM Bookmark

Do you reckon she's selling clean pee?

pithfork (Hurting 2), Thursday, 11 March 2010 03:48 (fourteen years ago) link

harvard law offers an llm in "selling clean pee," actually.

(xp)

Daniel, Esq., Thursday, 11 March 2010 03:55 (fourteen years ago) link

John Roland, Compensated Spokesperson:
http://adamthinks.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/john_roland_wide.jpg

pithfork (Hurting 2), Thursday, 11 March 2010 03:57 (fourteen years ago) link

steely eyes!

Daniel, Esq., Thursday, 11 March 2010 04:01 (fourteen years ago) link

don't mess with john roland, "compensated spokesperson."

Daniel, Esq., Thursday, 11 March 2010 04:01 (fourteen years ago) link

On September 10, 2002, Roland was rushed to the hospital after expericing diverticulitis. Roland needed 18 blood transfusions, and doctors removed a part of his colon.[4]Roland successfully recovered and returned to work at the station in late October.

just do a close reading, all will be revealed (velko), Thursday, 11 March 2010 04:07 (fourteen years ago) link

pretty sure i WS margolin esq

nitzer ebbebe (gbx), Thursday, 11 March 2010 04:09 (fourteen years ago) link

i would like to be sequestered with her

just do a close reading, all will be revealed (velko), Thursday, 11 March 2010 04:23 (fourteen years ago) link

I'd like to subpoena THAT! If you catch my drift.

A little DISCOVERY action you know what I'm sayin? HOO! HOO! HOO!

pithfork (Hurting 2), Thursday, 11 March 2010 04:30 (fourteen years ago) link

would enter a plea....for sex

just do a close reading, all will be revealed (velko), Thursday, 11 March 2010 04:30 (fourteen years ago) link

She made a motion to DISMISS

But she changed her mind when she saw my RESPONSE BRIEF(S)

pithfork (Hurting 2), Thursday, 11 March 2010 04:31 (fourteen years ago) link

Gettin drunk in the lawyer thread on a wednesday YEAH!

pithfork (Hurting 2), Thursday, 11 March 2010 04:31 (fourteen years ago) link

whooooo

nitzer ebbebe (gbx), Thursday, 11 March 2010 04:33 (fourteen years ago) link

I'd like to enter clitigation

ILX's Dopiest Poster (latebloomer), Thursday, 11 March 2010 05:20 (fourteen years ago) link

hurting no one knows who john roland is outside of the tri state area

shite new answers (cutty), Thursday, 11 March 2010 12:56 (fourteen years ago) link

that roland ad would be way better with the real yoda.

malicious humor victim (Hunt3r), Thursday, 11 March 2010 13:06 (fourteen years ago) link

ha cutty i was looking at roland going 'i think that guy was on nyc tv when i was a kid?'

malicious humor victim (Hunt3r), Thursday, 11 March 2010 13:06 (fourteen years ago) link

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3114/3145861560_2e096ff9c5.jpg

1-888-MARGARITA

pretty sure I've posted this before

dmr, Thursday, 11 March 2010 14:22 (fourteen years ago) link

a lot of the agencies have in-house tests to see if you're proficient and to what degree. the tests are tricky for non-natives but doable (and not at the level of difficulty that, say, the Goethe Institute would impose if you take one of their German language proficiency tests).

I'm told the thorn in this is that they want native German speakers who are ALSO New York state (or whatever the local effective range is -- tri-state?) barred attorneys. That's not a very big net to spread.

The other side of genetic power today (Laurel), Thursday, 11 March 2010 14:35 (fourteen years ago) link

three weeks pass...

just resigned from nyc job

full government name (cutty), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 16:34 (fourteen years ago) link

where to, cutty?

forksclovetofu, Tuesday, 6 April 2010 16:39 (fourteen years ago) link

i have been hired as ILX's lawyer on retainer

full government name (cutty), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 16:39 (fourteen years ago) link

no really i will go into entertainment next month

full government name (cutty), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 16:40 (fourteen years ago) link

wash that retainer off before you pop it in, god knows where it's been.

forksclovetofu, Tuesday, 6 April 2010 16:40 (fourteen years ago) link

xp take me with you

forksclovetofu, Tuesday, 6 April 2010 16:40 (fourteen years ago) link

congrats to u

✌.✰|ʘ‿ʘ|✰.✌ (Steve Shasta), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 16:43 (fourteen years ago) link

out of the law practice entirely, cutty?

in any event, congratulations.

Daniel, Esq., Tuesday, 6 April 2010 16:46 (fourteen years ago) link

no i will be practicing the law of entertainment, music mostly

full government name (cutty), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 16:46 (fourteen years ago) link

excellent

fat mantis (Hunt3r), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 16:48 (fourteen years ago) link

my first client:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oq0TqqVyeaw

full government name (cutty), Tuesday, 6 April 2010 16:51 (fourteen years ago) link

one month passes...

i still don't "get" the first post in this thread, it is too long to be lol

harbl, Tuesday, 25 May 2010 20:25 (thirteen years ago) link

sorry, i don't even have any lolz to post!

harbl, Tuesday, 25 May 2010 20:26 (thirteen years ago) link

lawyers are so fucking boring

― randy e. bugler (jeff), Friday, January 22, 2010 3:18 AM

( `ハ´)☞  ☜(´∀`☜) (am0n), Tuesday, 25 May 2010 20:34 (thirteen years ago) link

i know :(

harbl, Tuesday, 25 May 2010 20:36 (thirteen years ago) link

randy e. bugler

( `ハ´)☞  ☜(´∀`☜) (am0n), Wednesday, 26 May 2010 01:03 (thirteen years ago) link

ned gray ubler, esq.

jeff, Wednesday, 26 May 2010 03:28 (thirteen years ago) link

Which is worse, smoking meth or sexually assaulting a child?

(wait for it)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HptQM0IVwkE

http://tinyurl.com/yzdrfva (Pleasant Plains), Thursday, 27 May 2010 21:22 (thirteen years ago) link

haha it's prob like his millionth drug case. not that it's ok but still

harbl, Thursday, 27 May 2010 21:56 (thirteen years ago) link

prob shouldn't be recognized as the guy who spits on bailiffs either but still

http://tinyurl.com/yzdrfva (Pleasant Plains), Thursday, 27 May 2010 21:58 (thirteen years ago) link

i saw a guy tell the judge 'suck my cock you motherfucking bitch' and another guy say 'go suck a dick you're a faggot,' and many more. good times.

harbl, Thursday, 27 May 2010 22:01 (thirteen years ago) link

don't often say this but angry handcuffed tweeker otm

iiiijjjj, Friday, 28 May 2010 00:16 (thirteen years ago) link

tweaker truth bombs

Matt Armstrong, Friday, 28 May 2010 00:25 (thirteen years ago) link

one month passes...

http://milwaukee.craigslist.org/lgl/1849465604.html

I recently graduated from law school and am licensed to practice in the state of wisconsin. i have taken classes in legal writing, trial skills, and have participated in moot court. I am also skills in computer programs such as: Westlaw, LexusNexus, Fastcase, Microsoft Word, Microsoft Office, and Excel. I have done two internship and have also worked as a law clerk. I am currently seeking a full time position or an entry level position.

del griffith, Monday, 19 July 2010 21:12 (thirteen years ago) link

Whoa hey, just saw the Cutty resignation notice. Congrats. Striking out on your own?

surfer blood for oil (Hurting 2), Monday, 19 July 2010 21:21 (thirteen years ago) link

naw i joined a small music law firm. bicoastal.

cutty, Monday, 19 July 2010 21:40 (thirteen years ago) link

sweet - did you search for that for a while or just kind of happen into it?

surfer blood for oil (Hurting 2), Monday, 19 July 2010 23:12 (thirteen years ago) link

ohhhh . . . i'm kind of jealous. congratulations, cutty.

Daniel, Esq., Monday, 19 July 2010 23:23 (thirteen years ago) link

just happened into it vis a vis a friend i went to school with. took a pay cut (from already meager NYC attorney salary), less vacation, and more hours.

haven't regretted that decision yet!

cutty, Tuesday, 20 July 2010 00:54 (thirteen years ago) link

we rep your DN hurting, just got signed to w4rn3r br0s

cutty, Tuesday, 20 July 2010 00:54 (thirteen years ago) link

bicoastal

is breads of india still tite (admrl), Tuesday, 20 July 2010 01:02 (thirteen years ago) link

hi adam

cutty, Tuesday, 20 July 2010 01:10 (thirteen years ago) link

yeah, joining friends can be good. i left a very stable firm situation 10 years ago (a NYC firm, as it happens) to work with friends from college, and i've been here -- and happy -- ever since. i'm glad it's working out for you, too.

Daniel, Esq., Tuesday, 20 July 2010 01:14 (thirteen years ago) link

They say everyone's naturally bicoastal, nothing to be ashamed of

Sensational Howard (admrl), Wednesday, 21 July 2010 01:53 (thirteen years ago) link

i've never been to california

cutty, Wednesday, 21 July 2010 01:56 (thirteen years ago) link

two months pass...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GdZeqvDknfU&feature=related

Daniel, Esq., Sunday, 26 September 2010 00:22 (thirteen years ago) link

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ALmgArYW8Y

cutty, Sunday, 26 September 2010 01:45 (thirteen years ago) link

look at this website a work of art

Muscus ex Craneo Humano (forksclovetofu), Sunday, 26 September 2010 01:46 (thirteen years ago) link

if there's one thing i can't stand more than a well-educated jury . . .

Daniel, Esq., Sunday, 26 September 2010 01:50 (thirteen years ago) link

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOajzfDQbKU&feature=player_embedded

"boys, let's make 'em pay."

Daniel, Esq., Saturday, 9 October 2010 22:07 (thirteen years ago) link

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bCxZT_VdOaI&feature=player_embedded

car crashes = nice touch imo.

"get. what's. yours."

Daniel, Esq., Saturday, 9 October 2010 22:08 (thirteen years ago) link

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lANJc_QIXU0&feature=player_embedded

haha!

"pay me, pay me, pay me -- now!"

Daniel, Esq., Saturday, 9 October 2010 22:09 (thirteen years ago) link

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HM6ZMmZEVQ&feature=player_embedded

"barry glazer -- legal advocate for the injured, disabled, and urinated upon."

Daniel, Esq., Saturday, 9 October 2010 22:11 (thirteen years ago) link

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8QjnoW4d_Io&feature=player_embedded

depressing, actually.

Daniel, Esq., Saturday, 9 October 2010 22:12 (thirteen years ago) link

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AlarMN5SCs4&feature=player_embedded

bullylawyer.com

Daniel, Esq., Saturday, 9 October 2010 22:14 (thirteen years ago) link

lol lawyers.

Daniel, Esq., Saturday, 9 October 2010 22:15 (thirteen years ago) link

I think I've seen that divorce lawyer one before! definitely depressing, but so classic

markers, Saturday, 9 October 2010 22:19 (thirteen years ago) link

http://www.divorceez.com/

journey to the end of nyt (nakhchivan), Saturday, 9 October 2010 22:23 (thirteen years ago) link

<3 Barry Glazer

Regular Stormy (Jenny), Sunday, 10 October 2010 02:11 (thirteen years ago) link

dying @ "urinated upon"

markers, Sunday, 10 October 2010 02:17 (thirteen years ago) link

your-inate

john water (harbl), Sunday, 10 October 2010 02:21 (thirteen years ago) link

urinate talent

dayo, Sunday, 10 October 2010 02:24 (thirteen years ago) link

this is likely too "insider-baseball"-ish to be funny to anyone but litigators, but i lol'ed at this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nMvARy0lBLE

Daniel, Esq., Friday, 22 October 2010 16:11 (thirteen years ago) link

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bARGkTgRsLQ

am0n, Friday, 22 October 2010 16:19 (thirteen years ago) link

http://barryglazer.com/dontpeeonme.htm

Don’t Pee on Me!

Barry’s Top Ten Legal Insanities!

1. RELEASING KILLERS AND RAPIST BECAUSE THEY WEREN’T ADVISED OF THEIR RIGHTS.

Do you think a supreme court that could constitutionally justify segregation would be able to come up with a really good argument to keep them in jail if these killers and rapists were released in their neighborhood? We are the only country that releases known killers for not giving them notice of their rights. Seems a little out of balance that if someone murders someone they are forgiven because they weren’t told they were entitled to a lawyer. This is something they probably knew anyway. Can’t we come up with some other way to make it up to the killer? How about a free subscription to the daily record?

2. VICTIMLESS CRIMES.

Drugs or Prostitution? For god’s sake why haven’t we figured this one out yet? The money, time, and resources spent on this is absurd. Police love to pursue these types of crimes especially the sex ones. I can assure you its fun for them; you think they do this because they are outraged or offended by sex. Getting paid for going undercover to have sex with masseuses, strippers, or prostitutes is most men’s fantasy job. They actually have married cops doing this at times. Hello…..????
Drug crimes are among the most unfair and counter-productive. Any person with money and brains can find a doctor who can be manipulated to prescribe drugs for recreation. We hear about big names abusing in this way all the time but it goes on everywhere in a less public way.
We make heroes out of drug dealers in their neighborhood and divert otherwise entrepreneurial type individuals into dealers that the kids look up to. The dealers have the money and the best looking women, which it is all about anyway...

3. CRIMINALIZING INTERNET VIEWINGS.

I’m no fan of perverts and child molesters and defending them is not one of my priorities but putting otherwise productive perverts in jail for multiple years because they looked at an underage perverted act makes no sense. Sure you can argue that they are making the activity in demand and therefore contributing to it. You could also make that argument about every disgusting activity on the internet and there are many. It is possible that by viewing this on the internet many perverts can relieve their revolting activities without engaging a real life victim. Let’s not forget that there’s a good chance they were molested as a child themselves. As long as they’re not acting out, let’s just leave them alone. It’s a big waste of resources and another diversion we don’t have time for.

4. GETTING VICTIMIZED TWICE.

If you are in an accident where you are merely a bystander and can’t prove who was at fault, you can’t recover. An example would be where you were sleeping as a passenger and involved in a serious accident at a light controlled intersection. There are no witnesses and both drivers claim the other had the red light. You may never get the trial to jury and if you do, you might still not be compensated.

You think you’re covered with “full coverage” auto insurance” from every type of accident. A deer runs in front of your vehicle and you are seriously injured. Guess what? You have no place to go! If a car did the same and took off, you’re covered, but if it is a horse or wagon, you’re not!

5. LOOSING YOUR HOUSE BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T HAVE YOUR DEED TITLED A CERTAIN WAY.

This typically occurs to the most vulnerable and hard working individuals who scrape to get their house payments up to date. At last, finally they own their own home. Then tragedy strikes. They end up in a nursing home and Medicare runs out, which takes about three months. They then become personally responsible for the charges. The next coverage available is medical assistance, which won’t kick in until they are totally broke. This then means they take the house. By titling the house a certain way, they can remain in the house and still be able to sell it or leave it to their kids. There are many other advantages to titling your property the correct way. Note: this must done way before you go to the nursing home.

6. THE RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS.

A little Supreme Court creative justification might work. How about regulating ammunition? If that doesn’t work, think of something else. Allowing people to carry guns is just plain stupid. Amend the constitution, do a little legal gymnastics, and come up with something. The constitution isn’t the Ten Commandments.

7. ALLOWING INSURANCE COMPANIES TO PAY REPLACEMENT COST ONLY.

This is another one of those disclaimers that hit the less educated and lower income the most. They get taken advantage of when buying a car because of poor credit, they typically overpay at an extremely high interest rate. Their car gets totaled and the insurance company only pays a replacement cost to the finance company, typically leaving a steep balance that the victim is still responsible for. It is easy to imagine the many victims who could not afford another car. They couldn’t get back to work and later lost their job.

8. ALLOWING LOCAL GOVERNMENTS TO COMPETE FOR BUSINESSES.

Why is this allowed? Who wins …only big business. The governments are forced to compete with one another for tax breaks, concessions and contributions. The ones who get the most benefits are the political savvy and politicians who can help. It’s corruptive and totally unfair. Allowing this seems as silly as allowing super rich individuals to negotiate tax rates for the benefits the government get when a rich person moves into a neighborhood.

9. FORCING LAWYERS TO BE BLIND TO RACE WHEN PICKING JURIES.

Give me a break! The result of this is the spectacle of lawyers doing mental gymnastics trying to justify the strike for some other reason. Every real trial lawyer knows you want the jury to identify with your client, be it the job he does, the religion he practices, his weight, the way he dresses, or his age. What could be more important than the experiences he shared with someone of his race? Do I need to say more than O.J? It’s a noble gesture but flies in the face of reality. Let’s try to get real.

10. GENERAL ELECTIONS FOR JUDGES.

What does the general public know about the judges they vote for? Lawyers should be the only people allowed to vote for judges. This would both clean up the process and also in return generate some respect from the judges to the lawyers.

am0n, Friday, 22 October 2010 16:20 (thirteen years ago) link

omg i love that youtube clip so much.

pre-law student: i love the constitution.
attorney: if you say it's a living, breathing document, i may kill myself.
pre-law student: but it is.
attorney: oh. no. you're going to make me orphan my daughter. i haven't seen her in three years.

bonus points for the alarmingly stilted robot delivery.

Daniel, Esq., Friday, 22 October 2010 22:37 (thirteen years ago) link

"I hate you. I hope an asteroid hits your dilapidated house in a bad section of town."

markers, Friday, 22 October 2010 22:47 (thirteen years ago) link

"Do you also plan to get divorced?"
"I can't wait to find my soulmut."

markers, Friday, 22 October 2010 22:49 (thirteen years ago) link

Philadelphia Bankruptcy Atty A11an K. Marsha11, right:
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_b3_7_kgd8h4/S0V8UmzR3hI/AAAAAAAAhZ4/D_zeJ7dam3U/s400/DSC_9723+%5B400x400%5D.JPG

your favorite homoerotic savior imagery (Hurting 2), Tuesday, 26 October 2010 06:14 (thirteen years ago) link

four months pass...
four months pass...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZqALtGuXtY

buzza, Monday, 25 July 2011 19:33 (twelve years ago) link

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r09ckf7n9DI

am0n, Monday, 25 July 2011 19:43 (twelve years ago) link

glen shoulda said "trabajo" tbh

generous doler out of lollies (forksclovetofu), Monday, 25 July 2011 19:53 (twelve years ago) link

three months pass...

passed the ny bar y'all

pass the duchy pon the left hand side (musical duke) (Hurting 2), Wednesday, 2 November 2011 04:27 (twelve years ago) link

That means soon I can no longer duck the questions of pothead friends with "I'm not allowed to give legal advice"

pass the duchy pon the left hand side (musical duke) (Hurting 2), Wednesday, 2 November 2011 04:28 (twelve years ago) link

hey congrats

max, Wednesday, 2 November 2011 04:35 (twelve years ago) link

congrats bro. it's ok you can still tell them "i dunno that's not the area i practice in" like i do

tunnel joe (harbl), Wednesday, 2 November 2011 10:47 (twelve years ago) link

congratulations!

Daniel, Esq., Wednesday, 2 November 2011 11:14 (twelve years ago) link

"I haven't had a lot of experience with how to collect unemployment benefits while having a cash job in my practice as a class action lawyer"

pass the duchy pon the left hand side (musical duke) (Hurting 2), Wednesday, 2 November 2011 11:21 (twelve years ago) link

congrats!

rustic italian flatbread, Wednesday, 2 November 2011 11:25 (twelve years ago) link

just tell them they can google it themselves just like a lawyer would; & congrats!

johnny crunch, Wednesday, 2 November 2011 11:27 (twelve years ago) link

I'm sure this is already upthread, but I will never stop reposting it at will
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8lc6VGwgxp8

pass the duchy pon the left hand side (musical duke) (Hurting 2), Wednesday, 2 November 2011 15:06 (twelve years ago) link

congrats man! go forth and do evil!

google sluething so hard right now (forksclovetofu), Wednesday, 2 November 2011 16:59 (twelve years ago) link

congrats!

one dis leads to another (ian), Wednesday, 2 November 2011 21:33 (twelve years ago) link

two weeks pass...

my firm has two clients named the p4rrots. they are suing a zoo.

yo zuccotti (J0rdan S.), Sunday, 20 November 2011 05:11 (twelve years ago) link

three months pass...
three months pass...

btw, loladmitted

why would she write "argh"? (Hurting 2), Wednesday, 13 June 2012 14:42 (eleven years ago) link

congrats!

buzza, Wednesday, 13 June 2012 14:44 (eleven years ago) link

congratulations dude

Authorities don't know who shot the 50 Cent the goose. (forksclovetofu), Wednesday, 13 June 2012 19:49 (eleven years ago) link

lol!

kneel aurmstrong (harbl), Wednesday, 13 June 2012 22:47 (eleven years ago) link

three weeks pass...

http://justin-bieber-law.com/

now all my posts got ship in it (dayo), Friday, 6 July 2012 11:45 (eleven years ago) link

hard out there for a pimp

Authorities don't know who shot the 50 Cent the goose. (forksclovetofu), Friday, 6 July 2012 16:46 (eleven years ago) link

impressive

Authorities don't know who shot the 50 Cent the goose. (forksclovetofu), Wednesday, 11 July 2012 18:01 (eleven years ago) link

http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/07/10/a-legal-fight-over-sipping-beer-on-a-stoop/?ref=nyregion

since i am a local expert on open container laws i took special note of this. i think the guy is wrong for talking to the nyt before court because someone is going to tell the cop about this and he's going to show up for court when he might not have otherwise. this is what's wrong with law students thinking they can represent themselves better than a regular person can. they don't understand strategy! also advising his friends they might be better off pleading guilty when the fine is $25! how can they possibly be better off than that!? dummy

for future reference my advice is to always plead not guilty to these types of charges

kneel aurmstrong (harbl), Thursday, 12 July 2012 00:13 (eleven years ago) link

also lol at "this is injustice"

kneel aurmstrong (harbl), Thursday, 12 July 2012 00:15 (eleven years ago) link

three months pass...

http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/manhattan/oh_chute_gal_trash_ploy_horror_8FfVqSo95Bnhd3BZ6fe3IL

not really lol, just ... ugh

乒乓, Monday, 29 October 2012 21:03 (eleven years ago) link

yikes, that's horrible.

We do live in a fallen, depraved world destined for the fire. (forksclovetofu), Monday, 29 October 2012 22:27 (eleven years ago) link

four weeks pass...

These interns keep getting younger and younger ;o)

del griffith, Wednesday, 28 November 2012 20:41 (eleven years ago) link

lawyer? he's not even old enough to know her! ;]

╔囧╗╔囧╝╚囧╝╚囧╗╔囧╗ (am0n), Wednesday, 28 November 2012 22:13 (eleven years ago) link

two months pass...

You shouldn't act all loosey-goosey when you appear before a judge. You certainly shouldn't tell him fuck you.

But all that said, judge is still an asshole.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lLA7dQ-uxR0

pplains, Thursday, 7 February 2013 20:59 (eleven years ago) link

What did she say her jewelry was worth

how's life, Thursday, 7 February 2013 21:15 (eleven years ago) link

"like rick ross"

☏ (am0n), Thursday, 7 February 2013 21:17 (eleven years ago) link

this is not a bright woman

it was very clear that it's a sarcastic song (forksclovetofu), Friday, 8 February 2013 21:05 (eleven years ago) link

two months pass...

my friend who is a public defender just posted on facebook about a special narcotics prosecutor in court today with a huge split in the seam of his pants. lol at lawyers.

i guess i'd just rather listen to canned heat? (ian), Tuesday, 16 April 2013 17:48 (eleven years ago) link

there is a super old prosecutor in my county who is constantly pulling out wedgies. that is when he stands up because he's too old and broken to stand up to talk to the judge. having cases with him is a dream though, he's constantly unprepared.

veryupsetmom (harbl), Tuesday, 16 April 2013 21:28 (eleven years ago) link

two weeks pass...

http://i.imgur.com/qYkyMWH.png

乒乓, Tuesday, 30 April 2013 21:42 (ten years ago) link

three weeks pass...

Amberley "The Easter Lily" Hammer

del griffith, Thursday, 23 May 2013 14:33 (ten years ago) link

three months pass...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pseMw1q_xF4

no pressure, bro.

Daniel, Esq 2, Sunday, 25 August 2013 20:56 (ten years ago) link

how weird would it be to walk into that guy's office and he still has the echo in his voice.

pplains, Sunday, 25 August 2013 23:43 (ten years ago) link

two weeks pass...

this was pretty great

https://www.documentcloud.org/documents/782131-thatcher.html

#fomo that's the motto (Hurting 2), Monday, 9 September 2013 18:20 (ten years ago) link

i bet they like bacon a lot

One burly voice screamed and that was one of many. (forksclovetofu), Monday, 9 September 2013 19:44 (ten years ago) link

http://shockinglawyers.ytmnd.com/

#fomo that's the motto (Hurting 2), Monday, 23 September 2013 17:27 (ten years ago) link

one month passes...

For the past 30 years, Goldberg has paid extra so he can display his exotic cars — he also owns a Bentley and Lamborghini — parked diagonally across two spaces at the lot along the avenue, a busy thoroughfare on weekday mornings for criminal defendants and their families.

乒乓, Wednesday, 23 October 2013 02:12 (ten years ago) link

time to take it too far now/michael douglas out the car now

johnny crunch, Wednesday, 23 October 2013 02:16 (ten years ago) link

one month passes...

http://www.lawofficesofladyjustice.com/

signed, J.P. Morgan CEO (Hurting 2), Saturday, 21 December 2013 05:06 (ten years ago) link

would hire them.

Daniel, Esq 2, Saturday, 21 December 2013 05:13 (ten years ago) link

ilxor: "I'd like to hire some of that!"

signed, J.P. Morgan CEO (Hurting 2), Saturday, 21 December 2013 05:41 (ten years ago) link

I went with another attorney before hiring lady justice. That attorney who I will not name took my money and didn’t do anything for me! Dana and Mona teamed up and helped me through a very tough time. Thank you. I hope you both the best.

Mina S.
Apple Valley, CA

signed, J.P. Morgan CEO (Hurting 2), Saturday, 21 December 2013 05:42 (ten years ago) link

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/12/22/fashion/Millenials-Millennials-Generation-Y.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

“I feel like their work ethic is a legitimate concern, even though it sounds like you’re a whiny old person complaining about the youth,” said Jared Neumark, 31, who produced the video for Official Comedy. “There’s this focus on enjoying your work, and that creates a huge problem because there needs to be a part of the population that has not-so-much-fun jobs, more labor-intensive jobs, or that are, like, lawyers.”
― j., Saturday, December 21, 2013 6:02 PM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

signed, J.P. Morgan CEO (Hurting 2), Saturday, 21 December 2013 23:33 (ten years ago) link

one month passes...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jr2gdPY-88w

Burt Stuntin (Hurting 2), Monday, 3 February 2014 17:12 (ten years ago) link

two months pass...

aside from the screaming, this seven minute, verbatim reenactment of the actual derailing of a deposition is sometimes how things go.

Daniel, Esq 2, Friday, 2 May 2014 10:35 (nine years ago) link

one month passes...
one month passes...

http://i.imgur.com/cwBoWhj.png

°ㅇ๐ْ ° (gr8080), Wednesday, 23 July 2014 15:39 (nine years ago) link

uggggh

een, Wednesday, 23 July 2014 20:58 (nine years ago) link

stuart v. goldberg is actually just a wax dummy you can rent for your court appearance.

Spectrum, Wednesday, 23 July 2014 21:37 (nine years ago) link

but seriously, if you want a little street cred, just get some CGI rappers to do the job for you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBEWHy6khZw

Spectrum, Wednesday, 23 July 2014 21:38 (nine years ago) link

one month passes...

i got spam from these dickheadz

http://www.hoax-slayer.com/green-winick-notice-appear-court-malware.shtml

am0n, Wednesday, 3 September 2014 19:43 (nine years ago) link

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRIk1zEiGwM

Je55e, Sunday, 7 September 2014 19:58 (nine years ago) link

four months pass...

Soon as I saw this site I thought "must be in California"
http://edelson.com/

walid foster dulles (man alive), Friday, 30 January 2015 02:44 (nine years ago) link

three months pass...

I think Carl is going to disagree with this.

Jeff, Wednesday, 13 May 2015 12:47 (eight years ago) link

Oh, no, that makes sense. I don't think I'd be happier if I had a partner track associate job. I'd be happiest if my the pay/demands of my current job were in line with each other, either making what I make now and having the flexibility I was promised when I accepted the salary, or paid market rate for the work I do. That still wouldn't be associate-level pay but it also wouldn't be associate level work or hassle.

from batman to balloon dog (carl agatha), Wednesday, 13 May 2015 13:23 (eight years ago) link

the scene from "silicon valley" where the dude has a drink with a failed designer/inventor and they figure out that if he had taken less venture capital he would've managed expectations and might still have his company is something i think about a lot lately

two months pass...

I wonder how much of that is legit the kid's interest and how much is the parent. I have a coworker who says her three year old is obsessed with The Beatles so they got him tons of Beatles junk for his Beatles-themed 3rd birthday. Like, is he really that into the Beatles? I just find that hard to believe. But my kid's only 20 months so if we were going to have a party themed after interest it would be about blueberries, TV remotes, and digging through the trash can.

carl agatha, Wednesday, 29 July 2015 22:43 (eight years ago) link

my dog is about to turn 14 and digging through the trash is still her #1 interest

gr8080, Wednesday, 29 July 2015 23:19 (eight years ago) link

Toddlers can wind up having strange obsessions. When I was 3 I was obsessed with Vice President bush because his motorcade went by our apartment frequently.

five six and (man alive), Thursday, 30 July 2015 00:58 (eight years ago) link

K went through a phase where I had to explain to her over and over again what a refrigerator does. She called it "tell me story about refrigerators"

five six and (man alive), Thursday, 30 July 2015 01:00 (eight years ago) link

what a refrigerator does
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zAubcIUr82I

let's not get too excited w/ the ouches (forksclovetofu), Thursday, 30 July 2015 04:51 (eight years ago) link

^still one of the top twenty best live shows i've ever seen

let's not get too excited w/ the ouches (forksclovetofu), Thursday, 30 July 2015 04:51 (eight years ago) link

one month passes...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0XWSBAe-1U&feature=youtu.be&t=1m09s

, Monday, 7 September 2015 22:45 (eight years ago) link

ff to 1m 09 s

, Monday, 7 September 2015 22:45 (eight years ago) link

that's why they call it jones day night and weekends lololol

computer champion (harbl), Tuesday, 8 September 2015 13:38 (eight years ago) link

MY BEST MEMORIES, ONCE ALL FIRSTLIFE MEMORIES WERE ERASED FROM MINDDRIVE, ARE THE ALL-NIGHTERS

on entre O.K. on sort K.O. (man alive), Tuesday, 8 September 2015 13:48 (eight years ago) link

clause 9.2, been there man

Meta Forksclove-Liebeskind (forksclovetofu), Tuesday, 8 September 2015 14:04 (eight years ago) link

nothing gets the heart racing quite like memories of billable hours past

all my friends are vampires (art), Tuesday, 8 September 2015 14:24 (eight years ago) link

The twinkle in his eyes as he drops his guard a bit really pulls it through for me.

pplains, Tuesday, 8 September 2015 14:44 (eight years ago) link

There's a lot, and nothing at all, going on in those 44 seconds.

Three Word Username, Tuesday, 8 September 2015 15:23 (eight years ago) link

i watched it again. he has the face of a man who hasn't slept in years. it's all about the written word.

computer champion (harbl), Tuesday, 8 September 2015 21:35 (eight years ago) link

He has wet eyes

, Wednesday, 9 September 2015 05:05 (eight years ago) link

...and is unconciously shaking his head "NO NO NO". It's a sad sick world and the good times have been gone for about 20 years or so.

Three Word Username, Wednesday, 9 September 2015 06:38 (eight years ago) link

one month passes...

relatedly

"One thing ... that's very different from 10 years ago is that associates have a perspective on balance that was never discussed before," Kowalczyk said. "Finding a firm in a regional legal market that allows them to do quality work, get paid well and still go home to their families at 8 p.m. is very attractive."

on entre O.K. on sort K.O. (man alive), Thursday, 29 October 2015 21:39 (eight years ago) link

was gonna put this on the lindsay lohan hot ready and legal thread but it's a long thread
http://lawprofessors.typepad.com/crimprof_blog/2015/11/young-ready-on-body-worn-camera-activation-among-police-officers.html

#amazing #babies #touching (harbl), Friday, 6 November 2015 01:45 (eight years ago) link

five months pass...

better call barry

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cb3gPWoKZ84

am0n, Sunday, 17 April 2016 18:41 (eight years ago) link

http://i.imgur.com/Bq3AlqQ.jpg

, Wednesday, 27 April 2016 19:29 (seven years ago) link

love those forfeiture captions they never get old

#amazing #babies #touching (harbl), Wednesday, 27 April 2016 22:44 (seven years ago) link

They're like little portraits of lives.

JWoww Gilberto (man alive), Wednesday, 27 April 2016 23:03 (seven years ago) link

DEA case in California from what I can see in pacer. What a pulp character.

bothan zulu (El Tomboto), Wednesday, 27 April 2016 23:15 (seven years ago) link

http://www.rossintelligence.com/lawyers/

am0n, Thursday, 12 May 2016 17:40 (seven years ago) link

https://www.judiciary.state.nj.us/appdiv/manualonstyle.pdf

, Friday, 13 May 2016 16:47 (seven years ago) link

hahaha

was really hoping the whole thing would be in comic sans and not just the cover

JWoww Gilberto (man alive), Friday, 13 May 2016 17:04 (seven years ago) link

lolz

johnny crunch, Tuesday, 17 May 2016 16:40 (seven years ago) link

two months pass...

http://i.imgur.com/DjtqCaI.png

, Sunday, 24 July 2016 18:52 (seven years ago) link

six months pass...

Wertkin, who worked in Washington for Akin Gump Strauss Hauer & Feld LLP, believed he would hand a copy of a complaint to an employee of the company, which was accused in the complaint by a whistle-blower of falsely billing the government. Wertkin, who was wearing a wig and using the name of Dan, was met instead by an FBI agent, according to arrest documents unsealed on Feb. 6.

https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2017-02-08/akin-gump-lawyer-accused-of-trying-to-sell-lawsuit-under-seal

, Thursday, 9 February 2017 16:39 (seven years ago) link

false dan

mh 😏, Thursday, 9 February 2017 17:04 (seven years ago) link

wertkin'd

El Tomboto, Friday, 10 February 2017 01:53 (seven years ago) link

one month passes...

https://i.imgur.com/qjel5f1.jpg

, Wednesday, 15 March 2017 16:58 (seven years ago) link

How did those children graduate with her?

pplains, Wednesday, 15 March 2017 17:15 (seven years ago) link

four weeks pass...

do you ever start to read a transcript of yourself feeling dread you will look like an idiot, keep reading, then say damn this is some good lawyering who is this

assawoman bay (harbl), Wednesday, 12 April 2017 01:13 (seven years ago) link

he he

niels, Wednesday, 12 April 2017 07:53 (seven years ago) link

four months pass...

https://i.imgur.com/CGcHRsk.jpg

, Thursday, 24 August 2017 13:09 (six years ago) link

one year passes...

CLE is such a fucking scam. I'm trying to get 24 credits done in a week (oops). I bought one of those online packages -- all you have to do is leave it running very quietly in the background, because the videos pause when the code you need to demonstrate participation is given out. The one I'm watching now is about wellness for lawyers and literally included a guided meditation.

Fedora Dostoyevsky (man alive), Monday, 26 November 2018 23:13 (five years ago) link

one year passes...

loool I'm in the same position as my last revive two years ago. Today's BS CLE was on how not to be stressed or some bullshit.

longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Wednesday, 18 November 2020 04:20 (three years ago) link

But the reason I actually revived was that I spent the last several days in brutal deposition preparations with a very meticulous partner who wanted his 90-page outline perfect. Anyone who knows me knows I (1) hate working in this way and (2) am terrified of making mistakes at work. In the middle of reviewing the outline I noted to the partner that there was a typo in the document number. He then said "We need to sit down and talk about this." My heart sank for about a full 30 seconds before I realized he was just reading the first line of the document we had come to in the outline.

longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Wednesday, 18 November 2020 04:22 (three years ago) link

No, I'm sorry. "We need to sit down and talk about this" is the name of my dog.

pplains, Wednesday, 18 November 2020 11:47 (three years ago) link

The guy defending the deposition I'm watching right now is the biggest schmuck.

He has repeatedly objected to "reading a document not admitted into evidence." Nothing is admitted into evidence, this is a deposition. He also keeps objecting to "hearsay" the second a document is introduced and before any statement from it has actually be referred to.

longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Thursday, 19 November 2020 21:34 (three years ago) link

five months pass...

There’s definitely a feeling of “how long can I keep up this charade” to litigating from home in sweatpants.

longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Thursday, 13 May 2021 03:34 (two years ago) link

two months pass...

Loving this Boston defense attorney’s content pic.twitter.com/AVXWkfi6at

— 𝔅𝔞𝔟𝔶 𝔤𝔲𝔯𝔩 𝔡𝔞 𝔭𝔯𝔦𝔫𝔠𝔢𝔰𝔰 (@sug_knight) July 29, 2021

have literally argued this defense irl

criminally negligible (harbl), Friday, 30 July 2021 22:05 (two years ago) link

one year passes...

The “LawTube” trend is excruciating but I’m fascinated by the people, mostly women in their 40s and 50s, that donate to these creeps. They are usually male personal injury lawyers in their 30s or 40s. It’s barely “true crime” and mostly consists of moaning about millennials, expungement, and bail reform.

Allen (etaeoe), Tuesday, 18 October 2022 16:52 (one year ago) link

“Thanks for the donation “PotteryMom,” “#JusticeForSally!”

Allen (etaeoe), Tuesday, 18 October 2022 16:53 (one year ago) link

I also don’t want people to confuse this with courts streaming their proceedings. I think that’s (conceptually) good and sometimes enjoy watching them. It’s just the “reaction” culture that I find really gross.

Allen (etaeoe), Tuesday, 18 October 2022 16:55 (one year ago) link

Verdict Unsealing videos

stank viola (Neanderthal), Tuesday, 18 October 2022 16:57 (one year ago) link


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