Are you good at performing oral sex?

Why is the advice always 'put your finger up their butthole – they will love it!'

As a hitherto exclusively cunnilingual head-giver I feel uncomfortable answering this poll. Certainly my experiences have been good, but I feel I'd need to bite schlong before an accurate self-assessment could form. I shall have to assume my attributes are transferable.

Why is the advice always 'put your finger up their butthole – they will love it!'

because sometimes they do?

People don't like it bcz I have no idea how to get my teeth out of the goddamn way

people can't figure this out?

The thing is the advice suggests the butthole is the magic lock to orgasm magic & your finger is the key...and (conversely) you can get yrself in a lot of trouble if the butthole-owner panics when it is touched.

The moral is: sex advice is not universal (except, I wld say, "ask first" and "say if you don't like something").

btw I mean oral sex here either w/a male or female partner, ain't taking sides here

exactly ... the butthole thing is presented as universal, similar to "all women love receiving oral sex" ... when it isn't universal.

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/onionmagazine_archive_56a.jpg

^^ please stay away from me k tnx bye

No way I'm using my regular sn for this one but, I've been told by erm, more than one person, that I gave the best head they ever received so voted "I have been told consistently and sincerely that I am a giver of awesome head". I really enjoy doing it so I think that's maybe why I guess I do it really well? I'm talking fellatio here but I've also gone down on a couple girls although not sure if I'm as skilled at that. I think the reason I enjoy doing it is because it's just amazingly empowering to make someone feel that awesome.

I don't want to brag, but I've received compliments from several different people, and I have no reason to doubt them, so I have to choose the first option.

Inside - How legalization took the fun out of sodomy

and I have no reason to doubt them

obviously they weren't mods!

I don't want to brag

Whereas I totally do.

This is the TMI board. Brag away.

This is something I am really, really good at.

I have in the past thought that I could not get any better at it, but I was so wrong.

What's the correct voting option for 'I have been told I give good head and I am also confident that this is true'?

The first one.

Next poll: Are you good at performing oral sex...on a train?

get this motherfucking sex off my motherfucking train

You have that backwards, I think

Would you, could you,
in the rain?

I would not, could not, in the rain.
Not in the dark. Not on a train,
Not in a car, Not in a tree.
I do not like it, Sam, you see.
Not in a house. Not in a box.
Not with a mouse. Not with a fox.
I will not lick you here or there.
I do not like it anywhere!

Ok I'll give you the mouse and the fox bit. That's pretty out there.

As someone who was a child in the 70's, I would totally do it with a fox.

...a Samantha Fox!

I eat the fucking fuck out of Linda Carter, if that's what you mean.

I would, I should say.

Sorry, lost in the moment.

any broad who sticks a digit in my crapper is getting it snapped off by my vise-like clenched anus

Sexist.

^^^^_^^^^

any broad who sticks a digit in my crapper is getting it snapped off by my vise-like clenched anus

That might dampen her ardor a tad, no?

The snapping off is metaphorical, the vice-like clenching is literal, and the soiling of the ceiling is curiously unmentioned.

"snapped off" could read like some sort of delicious manual euphemism

It might make her bite down. (xxp)

Yeah, that would NOT be optimal

oh god

Now I've got "everybody loves a little headman" stuck in my head and I've been trying all afternoon to get it out.

I don't think I've ever dated a man who didn't somehow believe he was AMAZING INCREDIBLE A#1 at head. And refused to accept the fact that I didn't like it. They'd be all "oh no, you'll LOVE it the way I do it" and then you have to go through the ignomy of trying to figure out... OK, wow, will they be really upset if I tell them that nope, still don't enjoy it - or should I lie and say it's great, which will save their ego, but it means I'll have to put up with that awful horrible snuffling around down there for the rest of the relationship...

Christ. This makes me so not miss sex at all.

haha I believe you, Kate. Frankly, I don't go crazy for blowjobs myself, even though I've had all kinds, both ineffective and extremely effective. Whatever, I'd rather have more time and more full-body contact than just a blown load and a nap. I understand from what I hear that this puts me in somewhat of a minority.

Wow I am normally not at all shy when it comes to TMI stuff but let's just say I really appreciate the wise poster who logged out before posting on this particular thread.

That doesn't mean I won't keep reading of course.

So will I. Someone else say something. It's not my turn anymore.

Does that mean you appreciate them because you can identify with their position? xp

I only rarely come from oral, fact fans. Normally there has to be a whole lot of manual action augmenting it. Only truly out-of-this-world oral gets me off, but it's worth it when it happens. Otherwise it's just like wanking (or being wanked) into their mouth and while this is usually still hot'n'happening for both parties, it's not proper fellatio.

This is probably tmi, too, but even if a girl couldn't come from getting head, I'd probably ask her if I could give her some anyway. No cunnilingus would be a bit of a deal breaker for me.

Louis - ┐('～`；)┌

Mwhite OTM

I don't want to brag

Whereas I totally do.

― Le présent se dégrade, d'abord en histoire, puis en (Michael White)

me too.

Louis, I think "it's just like wanking (or being wanked) into their mouth" pretty much describes what a blowjob is. What did you think it was? Was it like, "Look ma, no hands!" and bobbing up and down on your dick like a penguin or something? No, that doesn't work for anyone.

It has actually worked, once. I'm talking about when the hand motions (mine or theirs) are so vigorous they completely outshine the oral aspects. When it's largely the mouth bringing pleasure, a rare delight is discovered.

If you think there's a right and a wrong way to cum... well, what can one say? Stop thinking that.

It's not a right or a wrong way, just that one feels a bit more organic and natural not to mention pleasurable during the actual act rather than the fruition anyway gah I am no longer in the mood, enough

You're full of shit, is the problem here

Louis, I think "it's just like wanking (or being wanked) into their mouth" pretty much describes what a blowjob is. What did you think it was? Was it like, "Look ma, no hands!" and bobbing up and down on your dick like a penguin or something? No, that doesn't work for anyone.

Speak for yourself

DUDE I said it was 'still hot'n'happening', and if it's what does it then fine but SERIOUSLY I am no longer in the mood for any of this, please pipe down

Ah ok fair enough

I am probably not very good at all at performing oral sex on men. I'd like to think I would be by default, but without field testing, that's just something I like to think.

Sorry, lj. You're not half as full of shit as I am. I feel bad now.

it's ok dude...you didn't know.

no my last post was out of line, and I take it back, and I mean that.

I got all uppity an' shit.

thanks man :)

lol "pipe down"

Get a room, you two. ;)

haha "Further down!"

Okay, 'bragging', but I went down on a girl who said she couldn't come that way (and hadn't on several previous occasions with me) and, with some additional erotic utensils made her cum. I wasn't so much proud as pleased, though.

"erotic utensils" sounds like you used a spatula

some additional erotic utensils

There's just no possible way not to ask.

Ha ha! Two clues:

Aneth - biche

okay lol

http://images.buycostumes.com/mgen/merchandiser/24054.jpg
http://www.cookies-in-motion.com/images/partyhat1.jpg

maracas.jpg will never be the same for me

(I am still back on "with the help of an egg beater and meat tenderizer, I was able to make her cum" tbh)

let us know how that works for you!

What was going on in my mind when I went after lj (which I should not have done) is that there's no right or wrong way to get somebody off, and whatever works ought to be the order of the day.

Of course, Kenan, but it's okay to want to get off one way or another, too.

with the help of an egg beater and meat tenderizer, I was able to make her cum

Worst swinger pick-up line suddenly:

You and the wife want to come by for dinner anytime? ;)

Of course, Kenan, but it's okay to want to get off one way or another, too.

No, of course! I guess I sensed some hierarchy being established, like one way of being blown is more pure or something, and I balked sort of instinctively. It sounded almost like a strange inverse of that weird male thing that's like, "Heh heh you can put the toys away baby, I got allll you need..." which I will campaign against, given the (forgive me) opening.

Cap'n Save a Vibrator

for the record I am completely tolerant of any non-harmful sexual practice, any implement, any method, and indeed I maintain an open and curious mind about experimentation; I was merely discussing the difference between dictionary-definition fellatio and what often happens in practice, and how the former can be more sublime while the latter more functional...I spoke only of a narrow sphere of erotic play and should one wish to involve implements then all's the better to be honest

plus I was just being a jerk.

So this thread dies now? That seems wrong.

Less kenan being a cockmunch, more tales of cock munch.

Maybe they all just suck at sucking

Less kenan being a cockmunch, more tales of cock munch

It's things like that which kill the thread, K. ;-)

Nothing about either puns or talking about sex on the internet bring out the best in me.

Also, remind me not to refer to myself in third person ever again. That was experimental, and boy is it creepy. Now I know.

Guys I started this thread bcz I am unilaterally terrible at it. Or at least mediocre. Only one guy even let me practice (duh how are you supposed to get better @ a thing if no one will let you practice at it?) and I did get to the finish line a couple times. We had this game of 'who can guess the title & artist of the radio song first,' you got a point for each one you got first. We were absolutely vicious at it. Anyway, one time he put on satellite radio during and one of my least favorite & long-assed songs, "Freebird," came on. This gave me incentive to finish FAST bcz then I cld quit listening to that goddamn song. Eventually he came onto his stomach and said, "Do you know what THAT is?" (how this is an erotic question I have no idea.) I said in one breath, 'freebirdbylynarydskynard!' Hardest-earned point ever.

That, friends, is a tale of... something. I'm not sure. FREEBIRD! WOO!

http://pro.corbis.com/images/42-15494938.jpg?size=572&uid=%7B614F8813-9E20-4BB3-A1BF-EBEC5BFD9C82%7D

Rolling with laughter here!

(x-post to Abbott)

Freebird seems like it might be an awesome fellatio song. Will have to try it.

Story would have been funnier if the gentleman's relish had impeded the utterance

"Freebird" seems like it would be the worst fellatio song possible.

also "gentleman's relish" is the worst semen euphemism I've ever read

good christ

LJ if you put Freebird on during any erotic activity, you are a jerkstore at erotic activities.

I agree that practice is very important when it comes to heterosexual oral sex. You don't know how the other persons genitals feel and work, because you don't have a similar set of your own, so it's pretty essential to talk about it with your partner and develop your technique. For example, I've noticed many girls tend to treat the penis a bit too gently, which can be a problem if you want to make the guy come. (Of course treating it too roughly can be a problem too.)

why do i ever click on anything

xposts But the thing about erotic activities is, they trump whatever else is going on. So if Freebird is messing up your sex, it was never going to be that great anyway.

I once put the first Captain Beyond album on repeat for a session; it worked very nicely, and it's not a million miles from LS

...but point taken. lol cankles, are these double-standards I scent? :D

kenan is mostly OTM there

For example, I've noticed many girls tend to treat the penis a bit too gently, which can be a problem if you want to make the guy come.

this is actually the central point of my thesis on gender relations, which is that ppl project their needs onto their partners and u end up w/women all tenderly makin love to your dong when u just want it to get beat the fuck up, and meanwhile dudes are all trying to jackhammer cervixes and fingerblast a broad with a hand covered in superbowl rings

women all tenderly makin love to your dong

lol

the post deserves a superbowl ring

the WHOLE post, I meant.

I think I was all right, but it's been so long I don't really remember. u_u

why do i ever click on anything

― a narwhal done gored my sister nell (cankles), Thursday, August 6, 2009 2:46 PM (26 minutes ago) Bookmark

THIS!!!!

But also completely otm:

For example, I've noticed many girls tend to treat the penis a bit too gently, which can be a problem if you want to make the guy come.
this is actually the central point of my thesis on gender relations, which is that ppl project their needs onto their partners and u end up w/women all tenderly makin love to your dong when u just want it to get beat the fuck up, and meanwhile dudes are all trying to jackhammer cervixes and fingerblast a broad with a hand covered in superbowl rings

― a narwhal done gored my sister nell (cankles), Thursday, August 6, 2009 2:48 PM (24 minutes ago) Bookmark

I think I mentioned something to that effect wrt "dudes are all trying to jackhammer cervixes and fingerblast a broad with a hand covered in superbowl rings" on the recent thread re fingering. SO DAMN TRUE.

Not doing this is learned behavior. We just don't know any damn better.

Louis pls promise me right now that you'll never again use the word "relish" to describe semen or I'll I'm SBing the shit out of you.

x-post - Yeah I mean it's understandable with teenage guys but I'm pretty sure it's something that a lot of guys never quite figure out.

Hahaha, last chick I was with, I jokingly referred to it as 'glee' (think it was some sort of gchat-related lol taken into the IRLsphere). But this is all well beyond the pale. You have my word.

"the pale" is okay, you can use that one

SBing = SuperBowling

increased calcium diet = a whiter shade of pale

one advantage of same-sex relations is genital empathy

WRT cervixes, I think men learn quite slowly. The first time you get all up in that enough to hit the cervix, of course you are immediately told to stop it and warned never to do that again if at all possible (often in much filthier language). And half of your brain understands the instruction it has been given, and the other half is like, "Aw yeah. I'm hittin' that shit for REAL. Just TRY to tell me I'm not HUNG!" You don't believe at first that this girl will stop fucking you altogether. It's like, "She seems to hate me right now, and yet I know that I am King Dong. What's going on here?" This can take months or years to figure out.

if no one has mentioned rimming itt yet, please allow me to be the first.

how good are you at eating a butthole?

lj do not join the glee club you will be v v disappointed

or v v satisfied, depending on the glee club

the first rule of glee club is do not refer to relish in the glee club

I dunno, folks. I think it's too easy to say that all guys like x and all girls like y in bed. I think you have to find out what your partner likes on a person by person and case by case basis.

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/47/151580106_838efc812b.jpg

"with the help of an 'egg beater' and 'meat tenderizer,' I was able to make her cum"

The first time I was told by an ex-girlfriend that she faked it, it stung a bit. The second time I was told that, it downright hurt.

Time for a new game plan, because this whole "my cock is an awesome cock" thing apparently doesn't work 24/7/365.

try substituting "vengeful" for "awesome"

ooh... Old Testament cock. I've never tried that. I like, I like...

one of the secret benefits of a tonsilectomy = increased oral capacity for dong (not referring to myself fyi)

Oh, I didn't know that, I had a tonsilectomy a couple of years ago. Maybe I should finally try the dong?

when oh when will there be an "are you good at receiving oral sex" thread

let's go on a dongventure

LOUIS!!!

vent ur dong

a summer holidong

(don't worry, these are all getting red-taped at birth)

Interesting, kenan. I don't think I care much if a girl fakes it. Mostly girls have just said something along the lines of, "I give up. It's not going to happen." I can empathise. I've been there, too, and if you want to fake an orgasm to just end everything abruptly (and possibly assuage someone's potential hurt feelings), it's not the worst thing in the world. I guess I don't expect to be everybody's ideal lover and I don't expect everything to always work out on any given occasion.

when oh when will there be an "are you good at receiving oral sex" thread

This^^^

Dong is like wiener; there's no way I could ever utter those words.

"I give up. It's not going to happen." I can empathise. I've been there, too

I can't even fathom this.

(it not happening, I mean)

tuomas ideally you should have already sampled dong to make an informed assessment of your capacity for dong with and without tonsils

It may be asking a little much to ask him to have his tonsil put back in in the name of preserving the scientific method!

http://www.gupuds.com/
http://www.gupuds.com//static/images/promo/fred-large.jpg
^^^ suspect that there's a wheel of Camembert in there...

I can't even fathom this.

Never been too tired/drunk/uninspired?

Oh, I've given up before. Sure.

Never been too tired/drunk/uninspired?

Nope!

try substituting "vengeful" for "awesome"

On second thought Old Testament doesn't work any better than anything else. What's the threat? "Fear me, for I am turgid! If you dare to ignore me, I will fall asleep in the middle of the movie you rented." Ok, see you in the morning.

That's another thing I learned the hard way. If you find a perfect awesome woman, the one who really gets the things that you get and digs the movies that you dig, and you show her the perfect awesome movie that she has never seen before, she does not want to hear from you during it. At all. Just shut up, dude. She's watching the fucking movie. I mean, what would you be like if you'd never seen "A Touch of Evil"? You'd want people who are talking to shut the fuck up, right?

I'm still bad at being "on" or "off".

And there's little more annoying than someone thrashing around on your junk 'cause their self-esteem requires that you come. If I'm going down on a girl, it's 'cause it turns me on and hopefully it turns her on and even more hopefully it makes her come, but if not, no biggy, I won't take it too much to heart 'cause I will know I tried with dedication, genuine attraction, and enthusiasm. I feel that combo usually wins out anyway.

That's another thing I learned the hard way

imo enthusiasm is what separates "good" from "great" head, much more so than technique

I concur. Very different techniques offered with similar enthusiasm will provide very similar (and delightful) results.

enthusiasm is what separates good from great sex, whatever form it takes.

stop making sex into a pep rally, guys

wait, I just thought about that and nvrmind

HAHA

Give me a B!
Give me a L!
Give me an O!
Give me a W!
Give me a J!
Give me an O!
Give me a B!

imo enthusiasm is what separates "good" from "great" head, much more so than technique

― there is no there there (elmo argonaut), Thursday, August 6, 2009 4:17 PM (4 minutes ago) Bookmark

Truth bomb.

pep squad vs glee club

I prefer the pipe squad.

It's not just "enthusiasm", like it has to be about being as vigorous as possible. It doesn't have to look good on film or something. But as for me, nothing makes me cum as hard as someone who sincerely wants me to cum. Even a step back from that, nothing turns me on like someone who is turned on by me. There's a feedback loop that's always there if it's working, and always not quite there if it's not working, and you both know. You can have adequate sex with someone who isn't really interested in getting you off, but you can't even have GOOD sex with that person.

can't eveR, I meant.

Well put, kenan.

Ye lusty men of relish zeal OTM. And and and - Faith No More's "Be Aggressive" to thread.

I don't think I could get off to the dulcet tones of Mike Patton -- we have too many injokes about the guy.

this is actually the central point of my thesis on gender relations, which is that ppl project their needs onto their partners and u end up w/women all tenderly makin love to your dong when u just want it to get beat the fuck up, and meanwhile dudes are all trying to jackhammer cervixes and fingerblast a broad with a hand covered in superbowl rings

the central point of my thesis on gender relations is that sex is a lot better if partners communicate to each other what they like and what they don't. I'm not sure if it was my "nice middle class upbringing" where "we don't discuss such things," but I spent too long expecting the guy to magically know the best way to do things, and if it wasn't passing muster (not mustard) then we just weren't compatible. As unsexy as the "hanging a painting" talk initially felt - "a little to the left, up a little ..." - it worked out a lot better than not communicating.

the central point of my thesis on gender relations is that sex is a lot better if partners communicate to each other what they like and what they don't.

ding ding ding

And what's wrong with getting hot and heavy to the strains of Squeeze Me Macaroni? I ask you...

IRL M1ke P@tton is a class-A creep.

I'd never have guessed.

Guys everyone needs to listen to "If I was your Girlfriend" by Prince & everyone wld feel better abt orgasms. Or the lack thereof in an erotic encounter.

i'd blow mike patton tbh

xp A good friend of mine dated a good friend of his. She's kind of a "hot number" in a scene where there are a lot of socially incompetent or maladjusted dudes, so she has a relatively high tolerance for creepiness, but P@tton's was apparently noteworthy - probably because he is "famous rock star dude" he felt he could get away with it.

<3 elmo

I kind of don't want MP to be an asshole but am not nec surprised.

If I were a famous rock star dude I may very well be a creep too tbh though

MP seems REALLY creepy but always in a sexy way, for example I always found 'Captain Midnight' by Tomahawk pretty sexy of a song.

for about a week I was extremely entertained by playing youtube clips of MP's vocals simultaneously with a clip entitled "Psychotic Singing Cat" ... they were kinda similar.

Mike Patton is not any kind of sexy ideal, ppl. Abbott is right. It's Prince who really gets it.

Short, buff, sweaty, obsessive... yeah. That's the guy.

I think discussing which rock star should be one's sexy ideal is a potentially dangerous direction ... in the sense of what you were saying before that there isn't a universal "right" way to orally stimulate someone.

Are you arguing with Prince, though? I mean, really.

And gainsaying people's attractions won't lessen them.

xpost

xp kenan: tbh I find Prince kinda icky.

I will not say anything about that. He's not even the gender that I prefer, so I don't even have a dog in this fight.

Except that, he's Prince.

ok thats it anyone who isnt willing to let vinnie vincent throw it in them can GTFO

Prince has always been a little too obvious for me

lol @ "throw it in them"

take it to ILNFL.

"Fetch!"

I'm not sure if it was my "nice middle class upbringing" where "we don't discuss such things," but I spent too long expecting the guy to magically know the best way to do things, and if it wasn't passing muster (not mustard) then we just weren't compatible. As unsexy as the "hanging a painting" talk initially felt - "a little to the left, up a little ..." - it worked out a lot better than not communicating.

This is so true, it took me a while too to understand how important it is to simply tell the other person what you like and don't like. I think part of the problem is that before one actually starts having sex, for most people their expectation of what sex is like comes from movies, and in most movies (both porn and non-porn) people just automatically know what the other person likes through some magical connection, so they don't have to communicate at all. Which is patently unrealistic.

http://www.neilsvixenpage.com/Vixpix/mdmar91a.JPG

hello ladies

you are killing me

kenan you are awfully cocksure on this thread

If I were a shoe person, I'd totally have shoe envy over those boots.

http://ruthlessreviews.com/pics6/um/2.jpg

oh yeah vinnie here to do you RIGHT

kenan you are awfully cocksure on this thread

There's not many good responses to this.

Thanks for noticing?

Vinnie appears to have a serious abscess

what is that octagonal thing above vinnie's crotch

http://www.apeculture.com/images/vinnie6.jpg

do you have any change i could borrow for the BUS

guitar players just don't do it for me.

excuse me--hexagon shaped

Forehead stopper

it's kinda like the puzzle box in Hellraiser, once you open it, you are in for a world of pain.

what is that octagonal thing above vinnie's crotch

It is the age-old and time-honored sacred medallion of FUCK.

I mean, if you have to ask...

This awesome power is known to make its bearers a bit slack-jawed.

^^ Happened to at least one character in Hellraiser, and I think Hellraiser 3.

Is it also known to make its bearers develop a pathological makeup addiction?

No that's incidental.

guitar players just don't do it for me.

― free jazz and mumia (sarahel), Thursday, August 6, 2009 9:20 PM (9 minutes ago)

http://img.maniadb.com/images/artist/131/131218.jpg

steve howe reporting for changing your mind duty, young lady

any woman who doesn't go PHWAOR at that is not to be trusted, imo

oh crap it's the lack of a headstock

that's what it is

You guys are acting like huge hands and powerful, precise fingers are of no value.

not when associated with these faces, is the thing

this dude played a song called THE CLAP

he is NOT to be trusted

oh crap it's the lack of a headstock

Congratulations! I have no idea what this means.

I for one would love to have freaky devil-given Robert Johnson guitar hands.

I have successfully reminded myself what a solid album "Mit Gas" is.

what i am saying is that not only does steve howe have a face only a nesting guillemot could love, but he also has no glans on his penile extension

nesting guillemot

please do not use this phrase when coitally engaged.

xp That's a new insult to me.

Did I say I planned to? I'm only more likely to do it now.

What can I say Kenan, when I flow I flow tidal

This album cover always cracked me up, god bless you steve howe:

http://static.rateyourmusic.com/album_images/110986a236d54ec68444b01564778ae5/21402.jpg

xp "You so messed up, your dick just STOP!"

Okay, I guess there isn't anything really wrong with the phrase, it just conjures up an image of Robert Guillaume as Benson in a chicken costume.

What can I say Kenan, when I flow I flow tidal

thank you, Peter North

Benson BRITAIN'S FAVORITE CARP???

rip carp

I am essentially generous

xp "the flow tidal thing": which raises the question - are there any guys that don't think it's gross to go down on a woman when she's on her period? I had a boyfriend that had no problem with this. I had a problem with this.

it just conjures up an image of Robert Guillaume as Benson in a chicken costume.

Oh, don't play like you're not hot for the Guillaume Chicken.

Robert Guillaume as Benson in a chicken costume

I can see how one wouldn't necessarily wish for this image to pass through ones mind whilst engaged in coitus.

xp kenan: wtf I'm no furry!

are there any guys that don't think it's gross to go down on a woman when she's on her period?

First few days, it's not ideal, after that... *shrugs*

not gross for me but I'll yield if my partner threatens the 'red card'

Please do regale us with a definition of the yellow card, then, lj.

it just conjures up an image of Robert Guillaume as Benson in a chicken costume.

The reason this board exists, I realize now, is to prevent of at least limit the number of people who immediately open Photoshop at this point in the thread.

i used to think i was, or i think i used to be, but current SO doesn't like it, so...?

kinda gross but isn't at all a dealbreaker. if she's got an issue with it i'll back off, but otherwise let the games begin.

Yellow card is surely a faceful of the good stuff my dear fella

'assorted humours'

xp kenan A+

Yellow card is surely a faceful of the good stuff my dear fella

Urine?

ellow card is surely a faceful of the good stuff my dear fella

yellow? there's nothing 'good' that comes out of the body yellow, l0u1s

pus
bile
urine

... yup, darraghmac OTM

'splashback'

i used to think i was, or i think i used to be, but current SO doesn't like it, so...?

Some women just don't like it, as Kate mentioned upthread. I'm a lot less into it than I used to be -- same partner, same technique (quite good) -- it's just me.

First the Benson chicken and now HI DERE'S trio; all the titillation of this thread has been sucked out

If cunnilingus ends with a faceful of pus, everyone involved needs to go to the doctor IMMEDIATELY imo

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/109/298080885_2fa1c224f3.jpg?v=0

just in time to save the thread

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_mOf4kJ7dE

HI DERE, weren't you the person who told the hilarious red wings story about the guy at the party?

haha YES

Ok this is pissing me off. I got months of shit for once saying something like "a little blood is no big deal, you run into it sooner or later," and suddenly I was Hannibal Lecter. I thought it was implied that once you figured out that there was blood, you would stop and try to suavely transition to some other hotness. If you guys are seriously talking about continuing to eat a bloody pussy, and like not minding the taste of... THAT... you are way past me. I'm not freaked out by blood at all, but cunnilingus is the one thing that it precludes.

dude you eat menses

ftr I am not eating a bloody pussy if I can at all help it

i mean that's unassailable ILX fact xp

First the Benson chicken and now HI DERE'S trio; all the titillation of this thread has been sucked out

tits aren't even the subject of this thread!

lol and now I am trying to think of a situation where Dan really wouldn't be able to help it

xxp Under what circumstance would you be forced to?

HAHA exactly!

"the antidote is in the vadge. you have thirty minutes"

I'm not freaked out by blood at all, but cunnilingus is the one thing that it precludes.

Yeah. Use other stimulus, please.

Wow, kenan, more like Hannibal Licker, no?

"the antidote is in the vadge. you have thirty minutes" = the plot of Hostel VII

surely Hannibal Licked 'Er

Poor Dan, a face full of pussy at its least palatable, and a Chilean Nazi in exile with a boot on the back of his head.

If she wants it and she has a tampon, fine. If not, I think not.

Tampon is a game changer, obv.

"the antidote is in the vadge. you have thirty minutes" = the plot of Hostel VII

That sounds more like a "Saw" plot than "Hostel".

"you have to eat through the head of the previous man giving cunnilingus to get to the vadge"

Something tells me I'm going to skip this film.

xp Dan: tbh I wouldn't know ... I can't watch those torture porn movies.

what a terrible, terrible thread

Tampon is a game changer, obv.

In more ways than one.

xp Thanks! We hadn't noticed!

sarahel, I've only seen "Saw I", which was basically enough because, aside from the reverse bear trap puzzle and the creepy reveal after Carey Elwes's drastic escape attempt, it was a terrible terrible TERRIBLE movie

Something tells me I'm going to skip this film.

It would have great special effects, though!

http://jakcustomguitars.com/sitebuilder/images/june_26th_2008_025-653x455.jpg

"hey whats up ladies openminded dude here just saying, see the guitar? huh? hello?"

you sir are epic

Wow - this got so much worse. Good job guys. ;-)

jjusten, you truly rock

Actually, "the antidote is in the vadge. you have thirty minutes" is best suited to a Lola Rennt-style triptych

or a pornographic version of Die Hard 3.

in which Franka Potente must transport the antidote to a dying Moritz Bleibnau without removing it from conditions whose temperature and pH ensure it is kept potent

Shuffle Lola Shuffle

LOL DAN

in the third run-through, he not only gets the antidote, but she gets an awesome tongue-job! so they win twice, you see

xxp I don't think pH would be much discussed, though temperature could be a factor.

I have heard it discussed in similar movies, is all I'm saying.

Similar movies

"Oooh, baby, you're pussy's so hot and, uh, slightly acidic."

there is a scene where she goes into a casino in order to win enough chips to combine as a makeshift vaginal stopper, thus preventing the antidote from falling out

this is basically all for max's benefit should he choose to reopen this thread; if you are reading max i <3 u

makeshift vaginal stopper
:-(

I think max is protesting too much.

no, it really is just that bad

and yet I can't tear myself away

... where did you guys go?

Makeshift vaginal stopper is a term of endearment, surely.

"C'mere, my little makeshift vaginal stopper."

xps: and with his mouth full too. disgraceful.

http://neatorama.cachefly.net/images/2008-04/stop-in-the-name-of-love-sign.jpg

there is a scene where she goes into a casino in order to win enough chips to combine as a makeshift vaginal stopper, thus preventing the antidote from falling out

This is silly, because there are such things as tampons.

in the quasi-sequel, The Linguist And The Warrior, he must retrieve the antidote from the vadge after she has been hit by a lorry, thus closing up her vadge, and only permitting entrance through use of a sharp knife and a drinking straw

i'm done

sorry buddy - that did it

Well done, lj. You grossed ME out.

Fucking hell.

Thanks for taking it from sticky and gross to WHOA JAPANESE FEVER NIGHTMARE

Because really, the former was bad enough already ;-)

Sticky and gross happens, I can navigate sticky and gross.

xp ^^^^ worst thing a partner has told you after giving oral sex?

what's there to navigative after the deed is done?

Good old ILX. All I can think is that the next time I'm going down my poor psyche is gonna throw Benson chickens, casino chips filled cooter, disgustingly suggestive yellow cards and goddamn Vinnie Vincent at me.

No it won't. You will be overwhelmed with amazing, amazing female-ness, and you'll be thrilled.

I still the casino chips thing is retarded.

so glad I skipped what-the-fuck-ever that was

that lj just threw out

the parts I am getting after the fact are making me think of the ending of Sister Act

the "skipping x# messages" feature is probably beneficial for this thread.

so glad I skipped what-the-fuck-ever that was

I think I read it, but I still kind of skipped it. It's like terrible pain. There are some things your brain does not make a folder for.

Actually, kenan, you're right. With pussy before me, I shan't be thinking about a message board at all.

LJ - why don't you go back and finish the grotesque pasta animal song? I think I only got half way through.

:-/

it's been like one of those carousels where everyone goads everyone else to yet and yet more gleeful heights of irreverence and then someone who is always me takes it a degree or four too far and suddenly it is seul contre tous ;_;

don't get started about folders pls.

xp You best not be, should you want to encounter it again anytime soon.

That was to M White, if that was not clear.

I thought it was funny.

folders do not make for good sexual aids.

the parts I am getting after the fact are making me think of the ending of Sister Act

― sadbigail (Abbott), Thursday, August 6, 2009 6:31 PM

holy megalolz

Honey! I got us some HAWT new folders!

xpost

the boyfriend that was okay with going down on the heavy flow days -- his mom really liked comedies about nuns.

in which Maggie Gyllenhaal is forced to file documents in increasingly intimate locations about James Spader's person xp

while dressed as a nun.

One day, she is too sick to go in for work, and the temp agency sends a nun-secretary replacement played by Eric Idle.

I have actually seen Nuns On The Run fwiw

it has a lot of breasts and low humour in it

it is British

Any woman that focuses on the small bleeding Jesus statue above the bed during orgasm is WAY the fuck too Catholic.

I'm surprised one cld orgasm while doing that

Catholic girls are fun. :/

it's a better excuse than the spot that needs repainting on the ceiling, to be fair.

xp think of us poor irish kenan. that's all we get, man

Catholic boys can be a real treat.

xp LJ: it was one of my ex's mom's favorite movies.

it is terrible and I hate myself and why can't I still STILL not fucking THINK before posting, even to ILTMI

sorry, but everything today has left me feeling completely drained and I've got banfear now too

Sincerely sorry about that one.

anybody that drops an sban on i love TMI for ickiness is kinda being a dick of the highet order. mods should program that shit to rebound.

Automatic thread bump. This poll is closing tomorrow.

the highet order being a sect of monks that perform disgusting oral sex on each other to achieve perfect oneness

sorry? what for? don't be sorry! this has been a sort of lolzy escape from the grim realities of life today and it's fallen completely flat because I'm basically a jerk who can't keep his idiocy to himself, it ain't your fault (well it is maybe for finding my shit funny in the first place) ;)

dmac please elaborate on that thought, I need some heat taken off me

dear lj, you have received exactly zero SBs for this thread, so take a deep breath u r safe

I can say more about Catholic girls, if you like.

with all speed sir!

Yes, exactly.

XD

http://www.discogs.com/image/A-405638-1136152899.jpeg

you are under my watchful eye child j4gg3r, nothing can harm you here. nestle into my boa.

(ty jj, imo it has been a fairly funny thread all things told and my what comfy feathers these are)

why boa?

he possibly does not mean a piece of headgear but a deadly snake

because j. justen is known to wear a feather boa. It's one of his things.

Also he waxes his ass and paints his nails Corvette Red.

jjusten wants to remind me again of Robert Guillaime in the chicken suit.

Feathery headgear + deadly snake (venom glands extracted) sounds like the sort of dynamite combo M White might use on a particularly frigid consort

MYSTERY SOLVED!

I just have a very John Waters image of a divine-ed up jon justen ushering a young LJ into his trailerpark of BJs and catholic imagery.

"Pleasure Park, MN"

that's not really a post I anticipated making fyi

shd be MD by rights

I misread that as PBJs ... as the innocent boy sits there docilely eating the sandwich, his host lectures on the tale of Saint Sebastian.

This is spinning out of control.

... and he was pierced by many arrows for the love of Christ, would you like to be pierced by my arrow?

How long the time seems, how dark the shadow,
how straight the eagle flies, how straight towards his arrow.
How long the night is - why is this passage so narrow?
How strange my body feels, impaled upon the arrow.

man you post a couple of pictures of guitarists and next thing you know you and LJ are starring in some christian trailer park kirk/spock fantasy

WORD TO THE WISE PEOPLE

Yes, it would definitely be a musical.

Julie Andrews plays the manager of the Trailer Park.

Only minutes ago, my imagination was populated by a skinny Mexican girl who kept calling me "El Diablo", and then suddenly there was Dr. Frank-n-Justen. I can't blame anyone else, I know.

http://www.badmovies.org/movies/manos/manos5.jpg

omg, juggalo

you know what they say about guys with big hands

they are the agents of satan?

big trailers

http://images.uulyrics.com/cover/g/grateful-dead/album-what-a-long-strange-trip-its-been-the-best-of-the-grateful-dead.jpg

prone to arthritis, i think. i better go look that up.

Didn't we establish that people with big hands are eminently desirable, barring a Steve Howe Guillemot clause?

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_7uRoN425RxU/RdXhf6RwypI/AAAAAAAAAHM/L8Th1qL7WTI/s320/invasion.jpg

they're better at poker, according to a quick google.

poker indoors, maybe

does it matter much if they're playing blackjack though?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sarahel why w/the body snatchers photo

with BJ the instincts take over, hand-size is an irrelevance xp

although I've heard you need to know when to twist

and when to make things sticky

that movie is the scariest movie imo

poker/sex analogies start here:

xp abbott: I thought that guy looked like Jerry Garcia ... and since it was shot in San Francisco, it's one of those fake pieces of trivia I like to tell people -- that Jerry Garcia played the bum that got merged with his dog.

That's my favorite of the Body Snatchers movies.

good hands an obvious advantage
watch your opponent carefully to quicker spot weakness & oppportunity
any signs of the other person reading during leads to recriminations and bitterness

"psychologically destroy your opponent with false tells"

"don't take the foot off the throat"

the recent Nicole Kidman one was disappointing because it was all based on her "saving her baby"
the first one was good
the Abel Ferrara military base one was okay.

Are you good at 'bodysnatching'?

stroking usually gets one further than snatching ...

this and more will be revealed to our intrepid young co-star as he learns his Hail Marys the 'hail dere' way

btw I was sorry about the suggest ban boobs.

sb on t's

phew thank god now i will actually be able to lay eyes and hands on a pair of pails without fear they'll suddenly shoot off sideways to reveal a "You have been barred" screen where once flesh lay

in the milk aisle?

in the confessional chamber

you know you have to get 51 one of them to feel the effects, right?

The 51 Confessions Of Loggy McHornstaff

... the sequel to the Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada starring Tommy Lee Jones

now with even more explosions...

neither of us know when to stop, do we? :D

...and featuring John Justen as Gene Hackman, for some reason

(sufficiently avuncular to act as grizzled mentor to wide-eyed young Loggy)

him and Tommy take turns playing good cop, bad cop.

i will feature in this movie playing banjo ominously if needs be

your irish lilt will provide a darkly religious conscience to the narrative...yours can be an unseen voice, decrying the filth wrought in the name of Catholicism...in fact you and d-mac can do a sort of RTE-style double act, each hectoring more furiously than the other

the pat mccabe angle maybe?

you people are ruining oral sex for everyone

Maybe not everyone.

Yes, with the merest hint of Johnny Giles thrown in as well xxp

Mr Que, I truly have been expecting you. This is the bit in the movie where the long-lost lover appears and wordlessly sorrowful 'we've drifted too far apart' looks are exchanged

neither of us know when to stop, do we?

^^^ and I mean you guys all know how I am

yes there mr. jagger, sure there's plenty of room in the caraven next to bridie backlash and murtaigh mouthful, sure you'll be down when you're up in this place i'll tell you now, and down when there's a place to go down, sure why would you want to go anywhere else. Mr Jagger had to concede that this was a question that could only be answered one way, and sure wasn't this a grand place he'd landed and nobody minding his business for him at all except maybe Lady Justen with her feathery boa and scratchy moustache who'd found just the spot for him just the spot and seemed so far to have only exactly the same thing that he himself had on the mind, the same thing the priests said such terrible things about in the home when they found him (and fecked him out just as quick) and the other young fellas, filled to the gills with drink and plastered with paint some lacy pretty things and doing with their hands the thing that Justen herself suggested was eminently better with the mouth, not just for eating and filling up the dark hours with -and sure we'll find better ways to fill up those dark hours than with that old seafóid here Jagger said Justen. and the look that he'd had on his face suddenly came into the face of all the revellers in the place, and the lights burned a better brighter colour, and Jagger knew this was the right place indeed.

sir you are a master and you deserve some sort of reward

here is your reward
http://lh5.ggpht.com/GRO148/SOPmLObNolI/AAAAAAAAA7M/_fWno05-D7w/s800/DancingGuy1.gif

*sound of needle scratching record*

ugh that gif, I'm dried up til Saturday ;_;

Side 2 comin' up when the poll results show

i was going to post re: the original subject of this thread, but it doesn't even seem relevant now.

I don't know man - I, for one, would welcome a return to the original question of the thread.

I voted option 1.

i've been told a couple times that i'm v v good, but i just assumed they were lying to boost my confidence.

I don't have enough feedback to make a real decision but I'm giving myself an A for effort

420 new answers!!!!!111111

croot hulkin out

ugh that gif, I'm dried up til Saturday ;_;

― sadbigail (Abbott)

IRL lolz over here

xp to ytth: i can vouch that you are A+++++++

lucky this is the TMI board, right?? RIGHT??

and i'm sure you'll respond in kind next time u are near yr computer, since i am undoubtedly A+++++++

get a room lol

smdh

ugh stop talking about real actual sex that's disgusting you guys. TMI should be barred to couples.

btw IKR- A+

oh shit- not at giving head, i should clarify, it was for his lolz. i swear.

but i'm sure, y'know, he's great at the other too, like. uh.

i'll get me coat

tbh I'm not really sure of my skill in that area but thanks for the vote of confidence d!

Dude, I don't know the hell, but on a regular basis when I'm going down on Mrs. Kongvsgodzilla, she sticks her finger in my ear. Anyone else get this?

btw, voted option 3, which is kinda a reflection on my whole life outlook.

Wouldn't she be Queenkongvsgodzilla ?

kingkongvsgodzilletta

Will order godzilletta, next time I'm out for Italian

pretty good tbh

The sad truth is, I don't remember how.

I'm sure it's like riding a bike, Kate.

Don't say that. I totally forgot how to ride a bike.

Just remember, it doesn't make any difference whether you put the handle bar in your mouth or not before you jump on.

keep it here man

http://www.ilxor.com/ILX/NewAnswersControllerServlet?boardid=75

After all the smutty jokes I was making about sucking the creme out of profiterols to get me through this afternoon... nope, it's all gone. Even the silky mouthfeel of teabagging. Gone.

Can't say I ever really expected bicyles, teabagging and profiteroles to all figure into a conversation, tbh.

thing is, these last dozen or so posts are far more innocuous than yesterday's contributions to this thread.

because you are posting less now iirc

Yeah, guess we took off our superbowl rings...

because you are posting less now iirc

I was solely responsible, yes.

it probably feels good to have that off your milk aisle

soon as lj gets back from the pub this thread will once again rear it's ugly head

Milk aisle?

nick; does katy perry say something about the milk aisle in this song
joe; yes she's talking about the soft place between her boobs

― don't try to church it up (nickalicious), Thursday, August 6, 2009 10:07 PM (Yesterday)

fyi i'm tryin to make "milk aisle" "happen"

Ah, one learns something new every day.

sb between t's?

not now sugartits

I think "milk aisle" does have promise.

milk aisle at my local supermarket always smells v bad : (

is that how guys refer to their women where you live?

yeah cept they wouldn't say "their women" cos that's hella sexist

y'know, not everyone in Oakland says "hella" ... the band by that name is great, though. Zach Hill is the best thing about it.

http://pagesperso-orange.fr/webzine.musique/albums/hill/astrological.jpg

This is better imo 4 ZH enthusiasts

it's a pretty awesome album. He has really amazing kick drum technique.

it is his "thing"

predicting huge landslide for option 1, you smug bastards

need to find speakers now to play this, btw Sarahel you have awesome taste in music

see, most people, when they watch him play, seem to focus on what he's doing with his hands/arms ... (granted it's the most visible from a standard audience position). A lot of what he's doing are variations of paradiddles and double paradiddles, etc. His kick drum technique is a lot "harder" ... I've seen plenty of drummers that can't do what he does, even with a double bass pedal.

could only tell from utube vids because I live in ireland land of no awesome loud rock shows : (

there's a hella dvd with a lot of concert footage, but the only part that shows his footwork is a brief bit at a show where he injures his ankle. My friend lent it to me. It was very long, and I wasn't paying attention when he said "skip the first hour and a half."

lol, when I first got into Lightning Bolt, I read about how their shows were really insane and really short and I used to try to recreate the atmosphere of being at one of their shows by listening to Dracula Mtn at full volume in my room really loudly with the lights out and jump around a lot until I was out of breath which took around 15 mins, so I have a short but passionate attention span (aka 2hr Hella doc don't seem so intrstng all in one go imo)

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.

see, most people, when they watch him play, seem to focus on what he's doing with his hands/arms ... (granted it's the most visible from a standard audience position). A lot of what he's doing are variations of 'paradiddles' and 'double paradiddles', etc. His 'kick drum' technique is a lot "harder" ... I've seen plenty of 'drummers' that can't do what he does, even with a 'double bass pedal'.

― free jazz and mumia (sarahel), Friday, 7 August 2009 23:38 (18 minutes ago) Bookmark

one slight amendment

also now i will be more confident gloryholing at a world FAP

LJ, what the fuck was the amendment? also, wow

the introduction of quotation marks to make it more on-topic, also XD

xp - seriously, there are plenty of good drummers, no quotation marks needed, that can't play what he does on the kick drum. Granted, double bass is a different animal, especially because of balance issues ... unless your quotation marks are for the purpose of innuendo.

I like the idea of this thread encompassing topics from every other ilx subboard ...

it was a slightly clumsy gag, especially coming at this thread's climax, kinda fluffed the crucial moment tbh

.... so, the gag reflex ... anyone?

the teeth thing is not nearly as much of a challenge as the gag reflex.

Wow, so people on this board think they're so damn excellent at oral. Wonder what the results would be if we actually got their historical partners to vote instead of them. ha ha.

Now come on, on a thread about oral sex, I don't understand why bicycles came up, but seriously - teabagging and profiterols are totally on topic.

aw man, this thread had to happen in the like only 5 days this summer i've not been here d'oh.

ha, IN THE MILK AISLE!!!!!!

i don't feel like it's that hard to get a girl off fwiw; like, okay here's the clit, toss around a couple tongue/mouth variables etc and before you know it you've got ladyjuice dripping out yr beard

to be fair though i was terrible at it before i went out with a girl who was sort of a bitch about it until i started getting it right

Ha, these results. ILX: cocky and underconfident.

If the "instructional" video I saw the other day is any indication, not anywhere near as good as I'd thought...

wow lou jag KILLED it itt.

Wait, I thought this was about performance art...

"ILX: Cocky and Underconfident" needs to be a board description.

superbowl rings

like a basketball player

As a hitherto exclusively cunnilingual head-giver I feel uncomfortable answering this poll. Certainly my experiences have been good, but I feel I'd need to bite schlong before an accurate self-assessment could form. I shall have to assume my attributes are transferable.

― hello you are very gnocchi i would like taco you in the (country matters), Monday, August 3, 2009 4:11 PM (eleven years ago) bookmarkflaglink

yeah I already FP'd whoever wrote that

i'm pretty good. my boyfriend has a small mouth but as long as he sticks to the tip of my penis (which is massive) he's ok. great butt though.

the sheer quantity of flex itp is almost admirable tbh

I was good at it in the before times when I was having sex.

aka the Obama era

oh this is the thread with the hilarious penguin post

prompted by:

I only rarely come from oral, fact fans. Normally there has to be a whole lot of manual action augmenting it. Only truly out-of-this-world oral gets me off, but it's worth it when it happens. Otherwise it's just like wanking (or being wanked) into their mouth and while this is usually still hot'n'happening for both parties, it's not proper fellatio.

― cockles (country matters), Thursday, August 6, 2009 8:24 AM (eleven years ago)

The sexiest form of oral is a good conversation imo