At what age did you lose your virginity?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJW7-gvruic

can't remember :(

Oh come on, you can't "can't remember".

the hell is going on with ilx this week.

that big ass eclipse.

there's a board for this

I Must Protest?

i must protest boring polls more like

Moved to ilTIM bcz of harbl & PP's comments and bcz 'sexually themed threads devolving into psychosexual meltdowns & character assaults' has been a thing lately (unfortunately); if this is a dumb overreaction I can move the classy talk of this exciting thredd back to ILE.

:)

dumb overreaction is what ilx does best

17

My mom always said, "If you don't use your talents, God will take them away."

I was 19 and did it w/some grief & reluctance, tho compared to many of my female peers I feel I took care of it pretty late in the game (relatively).

No reluctance on my part - I told my boyfriend at the time after we'd been dating about 10 months that I thought it was probably time.

18 with a girl I didn't really give a shit about for the basic reason of just losing it. It was incredibly depressing.

I was 26! kind of very late, but I guess the circumstances weren't on my side; all the girls I'd dated until then happened to be Catholic and serious about the no sex until marriage issue.

...don't remember it being a big deal for me though, I wasn't in a hurry, it just occasionally felt awkward to be a virgin at that age.

19

17

18 with a girl I didn't really give a shit about for the basic reason of just losing it. It was incredibly depressing.

― riffed on by internet john krasinskis (circa1916), Thursday, July 23, 2009 7:55 PM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

20

20 - my bf had just been in a car accident and it was a good way to relieve the tension.

16

she was 18 and nuts

14

;-)

so you're only 16 years old?

Pretty young, but I don't regret it. Boyfriend of the time was lovely, and is still one of my best friends in the world.

poll should have been called "carry me back to old virginity"

^^best part about this entire thread, and board so far

I didn't 'lose' it, I just mislaid it.

18 and one week (practically 17, really) with a beautiful girl that i loved, and stayed with for another six years.

Automatic thread bump. This poll is closing tomorrow.

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.

wonder why 18 and 20 got the most votes, but 19 got far less ...

19-year-olds got cooties.

It's the disparity between 20 and 21 that what happened, I am confuses me

wonder why 18 and 20 got the most votes, but 19 got far less ...

19 still got the third most votes?

srsly 21, 22 and 23 = uhhhh

xp Mine was pretty close to my 21st birthday, actually. I think it was right after his and before mine. We were two weeks apart. We also wore the same size shoes.

Yeah it got 9, but the graph would not look like a normal distribution.

26 is really the weirdest outlier i think

well lol poll results with this sample size but the basic trend is still right w/ 19 @ 9 its the mid/l8 20s bump that really fucks the dist

I was 18 too, and thought I was way too old to be a virgin (almost all of my close friends had already had sex). The girl I was with was nice enough and the experience itself was not unpleasant at all, but it soon became obvious there was no real spark between us, so the whole thing ended within days and we never had sex for the second time.

I don't know if I feel relieved or saddened that one person was younger than me. :-/

A friend of mine lost his to a 30-something Polish woman. She preceded it by saying 'I will destroy you'

And I know another dude who lost his during a Godspeed gig in Greece.

So here's a question: at what age does one go from being simply "a virgin" to being a proper "adult virgin."

25

I guess I felt 25 was 'last of the adult age mileposts' because you can rent a car but that makes it even more depressing

yeah pot should be legal at age 30

Sex is for hippies

sex, weed, comfortable threads...hippies otm

xp - is that what you tell your fiancee?

man i wish ilx had some comfortabnle threads i'm havin a mellow week and there's no fuckin place to hide in this motherfucker

try the suburbs

i dunno what an urb is but i'll be damned, madam, if i settle for a poor one on your say-so

pot legal at 30, heroin legal at 80 IMO

depressing to realise how little my answer to this has changed over the years

isn't that how time works?

hush i'm trying for a sad bill murray vibe

I laughed, darragh

ty, ty

lolled here

18, it was horrible, a few nights before she'd shouted at me in the SU for not having sex with her. I also did drugs for the first time the day after. What a weekend.

This could easily be x-posted to the "phrases you hate" thread, but it's more on-topic here.....

I've long thought "losing your virginity" to be one of the most revulsion-inducing expressions in the English language. Really, shouldn't one of life's most evocative experiences - making love for your first time ever - be referred to as gaining a new and alluring experience of great poignancy rather than losing something; or worse, having something taken away from you? (as in "Aaron took Jane's virginity last night")? It's just such an awful, sex-negative remnant of Victorian-era attitudes i would've hoped we'd moved forward from long ago. I think it's high time we eradicated "losing one's virginity" from our collective vernacular and replace it with something that invokes discovery, not loss.

lol

Not intended to be funny; it's actually kinda sad. Orwellian even. Newspeak didn't have a word that meant "freedom" so the people couldn't dream up and discuss the concept since there was no word that described it. When the main terminology we have for experiencing sex for the first time is wrapped up in words like "lose" and "take" and "put out", we're robbed of the ability to describe how it really does feel, often enriching rather than feeling as if you're less complete than you were because you're missing something you previously had. When these things are baked into the language, accurate and eloquent thought suffers.

"making love" is a phrase that isn't necessarily sex positive?

It was less clinical than most non-obscene alternatives

lol

I agree w your broader point but yeah "making love" doesn't work in there for several reasons. "Fucking" would because I can do that w/somebody I love or not & it's still an awesome experience. Which is the better part of your broader point, that fucking is awesome and doing it for the first time isn't a loss of anything any more than me eating a sandwich for the first time is a loss. But then people do talk about "losing their (non-sexual experience) virginity" - this is just more xian hangover I think with a whopping side-order of Blake & Wordsworth

whipping, shurely

Losing one's virginity is better suited to describing "the first time I ate papaya salad" or "the first time I listened to Siouxsie"

At what age did you gain your non-virginity?

p sure there was a kid in india born without one, tho iirc they found a donor p quickly by targetting d&d forums

I think the word Leeeee is looking for is "jamming" or "rocking out"

well, now I'm turned off of sex forever

lol

― Tartar Mouantcheoux (Noodle Vague), Monday, July 16, 2012 9:33 AM (11 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Yeah, I kind of cringe at "losing ones virginity". It's sounds careless whereas I was actively pursuing the state of non-virginity when I finally got lucky.

i'll bet this phrase is better in finnish

Hei me Tehdään non Vïrrgnitus!

i gained my blessing at 27, proper adult virgin. was alright, nice but weird. unfortunately, i let it spin out into a difficult five-year relationship, which i probably wouldn't have charged into if i hadn't waited so long.

ten mins to lose yr virginity, the next five years arguing about the details?

haha, i had the same thought.

poll is in the wrong tense

xxp lol yeah

occurs to me that "lose your virginity" isn't necessarily so victorian prudish in contemporary use. to my mind, it suggests the deliberate abandonment of childish naivete and restriction. people say "i finally lost my virginity," like it was an awful burden to begin with.

tbh, kind of is. all those misconceptions of sex society foists on you, unburdened

as lonng as it's only misconception

time to make a quick withdrawal from this convo

seriously, avoid missusconception at all costs

I was 20 or 21(I know the year but I don't remember what part of the year it was), which felt terribly old at the time but doesn't sound as bad to me now. It was awful, fwiw. The girl kept biting my lip way too hard and being weirdly aggressive.

time to make a quick withdrawal from this convo

pullout method isn't reliable

still counts, dad

kind of hard to define virginity for a gay male. for me: 1st bj @ 14 which is young, but first anal at 23-ish, which is a lot later. can't remember whether i topped or bottomed first, but i'm pretty sure that many months passed between doing each for the first time.

butt-first anal

well sure, but when did you first destroy god's covenant of love between a man and a woman

http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/olympic-archer-jennifer-nichols-28-im-a-virgin-saved-first-kiss-for-my-fiance-2012167

kisses are pretty special tho

I already answered upthread (17) but I guess it was a little strange in that it took a couple trys. Boyfriend at the time was living in DE and we'd planned to do it on one of my visits there. So we're making out in his basement and it gets to that time so he runs upstairs to get a condom but when he returned he couldn't get it up. Mortified he got tears in his eyes and tried to explain that he was nervous because it was my first time. The next night we thought ahead and brought the condom down to the basement. This time he lost it as soon as he went to put it on. I was devastated and convinced it was something with me. We tried a third time when he came to visit me a couple months later. It was sweet and fine and didn't hurt even a tiny bit. If anything I was sort of like, "Huh, that's what all the fuss is about?". I guess I thought it would be a BIG MOMENT while it was just another thing that happened. I remember joking afterwards and asking him if I looked different and he said "You look like a tall beautiful pixie". lol.

x-post - Indeed they are.

aww

Yeah, it was cute. He was a good egg. Still is. He's married with 2 kids and is a PI!

I was also a little "nervous" my first time. Way too much expectation is put on it. It's something that you get better at with practice.

Yeah. It wasn't his first time though but pressure certainly played a part in what happened. He was mostly nervous about being with me and because it was mine. He wanted it to be special, I think.

but not alone practice.

xpost

for me the Big Event was kind of a formality because we had been getting each other off by hand or mouth 1-3x a day for like half a year already. I was 15 & we were both going at it one Saturday, but in the house instead of the car because neither of my parents were home & I had the house for the day. I knew where there was a condom so in the middle of playing around it was like hell yes let's do this & so we did & it was cool if not for me as satisfying as The Other Stuff One Does

omg enbb that's really really sweet.

19, on a beach. not my best idea. sand everywhere for days. later she gave me a handjob as we drove back into the city. the lights! the lights were much better than the sand. i did not crash the car.

here's my story, i'm sure you're all huddling over your laptops now. lost virginity part one at 15 to two guys from new zealand i met on the internet when they visited nyc. i was a bored, weird kid with null parents, probably not my best judgment there. lost virginity part two at 18 to my first long-term girlfriend. nervous as hell, had trouble getting "it" up. the fun wasn't the sex, i was too nervous to feel much, but the whole moment felt special, especially since it was the first girl i had some Real Connection with, which was rare as fuck growing up in a town where shirtless rednecks ride in the dozens on the backs of pick-up trucks throwing empty budweiser cans at anyone who "looks funny".

ha yeah the technical aspect of fulfilling this requirement was actually pretty anti-climactic, so to speak.

in some ways remembering it is disappointing, because she was (and is) ridiculously beautiful and awesome and later gave me 'steppenwolf' for my birthday.

I drove to a different time zone with her to make an event out of it. Couldn't get the rubber on right and she finally said, oh just put it in. I did and it was like trying to insert myself into a keyhole.

I remember driving back to where we lived and thinking, sooooo I guess I'm not a virgin anymore. Didn't feel one ounce different.

About a week later, went back to her place and that time it was for real. She teased me for the longest time for going "ooooh, I get it now!"

I guess the first time could be good if you had no idea what sex was and someone talked you through the intro and you had no preconceptions or ideas. After you get the hang of it, pretty ok, eh?

My favorite joke from age 10-15 ended with the punchline "But look what it did to my clam digger!"

There was never moment in my life when I realized I wasn't a virgin anymore. After the first one at 14, I got another bj at 15, but it never occurred to me that I might not still be a virgin (esp. b/c I thought I was straight). Did some really awkward making out and manual stuff w/ girls at 18-ish, then some oral w/ guys at 18 or 19, which certainly didn't count, and gradually over the years, dick converged w/ butt, but by that time I it didn't occur to me that I might still be a virgin. It was a glacial deflowering.

When I think about the bjs at 14 and 15, I feel a little disappointed and very disgusted with homophobia. They were very exciting bjs, but I got them from 30-40-something guys while cruising (I was very precocious in this skill), and it makes me a little sad that I never got the chance to explore and discover (and invent!) sex with a boy I knew, maybe of a similar age. I had quite number of opportunities to date or fool around w/ girls in middle and high schools, and I feel sure I would have taken advantage of them if I had been straight (though maybe I was getting female attention b/c I wasn't lovesick or a horndog toward them). People learn a lot from dating and sexual-romantic pursuits during adolescence, and a lot of gay kids miss out on some really valuable lessons.

The barrier of homophobia aside, for me there was the ridiculous matter of attending a high school w/ a total student body of <100, 40 miles from home. Not only was it unfeasible to have a social life of any real substance, there was no fucking way I (or almost any gay kid) would risk being outed and ostracized in such a tiny social pool (esp. one w/ such a high redneck demographic).

Soz if that's a bummer.

Lighter stuff: There was actually one time when I really, really felt like a virginity was lost, and that was when at age 31 I first went down on a woman. I was thrilled!

Je55e you're amazing

I can't contribute to this thread, disclosure-wise

Except that me and my current bf "did it" for the first time on the night of the 2003 blackout and it was pretty much the best day/night ever, looking forward to an electricity-free future

When I first tried to go about it I was 19 and it didn't work the first couple times. There was a guy going to night school with me, a year younger, really good-looking with long red hair. I was really scared and intimidated by the idea that your first time had to be a big deal – I wanted to emulate Maya Angelou in her memoir where she grabs the first good-looking guy and says "let's go." I figured he'd be a good match because he was just enough of an asshole that I wouldn't fall in love with him. I was far too shy and too recently Mormon to be forward about it, though.

So I did all the things they told us in church not to do because they would invariably lead to sex. I drove out with him to some lookout points but we didn't touch. I went to his room alone, which in church they made it sound like a recipe for instant sex, but no dice. This went on for weeks. I felt he had to make the first move so he wouldn't think I was a slut – I was trying to seduce him but in a cold and awkward way with all these Rules Girl and progressive ideas duking it out in my head.

He got me high a couple times, my first for that too, and that was a big factor somehow. Maybe because it involved a lot of cajoling and he figured I could be persuaded into taboo things after that. The first time we tried he didn't have a condom which I KNOW is totally stupid. I was really nervous and tense and my vagina clamped up and he couldn't get it in. He apologized a lot even, I said nothing, he promised he'd get some "jimmy caps" for next time. It took a couple tries for me to relax enough for it to work. I remember when we finally figured it out, he said, "I love feeling up the girlies" during.

kinda like aero's, cept i had just turned 18. I had been going out with my first real girlfriend for about 6 months and we'd done everything else so we did 'that'. I was living with my uncle's family at the time, ground floor bedroom, and i remember him walking by the window (open but with blinds thankfully drawn) whistling loudly to himself as i came.

♪♫ pop goes the weasel ♪♫

At the end of 8th grade, so age 13. I had gone out with this girl for a few months earlier in the year and she was my first french kiss. I didn't like her very much and we broke up, but she called me up in the spring of next year, telling me that she could be "a very bad girl" to which I was like "well sure!"

We contrived to do it at this party her parents were hosting at their house, figuring they would be too distracted with the guests and everything and we could sneak off to her bedroom for some yowza yowza. For reasons I don't remember though, her best friend was at the party too. Maybe her parents wouldn't let her have me over by myself. To avoid raising suspicion by having her one friend moping around the party alone, all three of us retreated to the bedroom. Her friend sat on the other bed reading a book and trying not to be embarassed while we fumbled around and got down to it. To cover up any suspicious noises we put on side B of Skid Row's self-titled album*.

Things were going pretty well (we had made it all the way into "I Remember You")when her dad knocked at the door. We rushed to put our clothes back on (I think I had my shorts around my ankles - one of those sorts of things) and she explained that we were just talking and listening to music. I have a strong suspicion that his interruption gave me a bit of a complex about sex and possibly led to years of p.e. problems in my teens and twenties ("hurry up, let's get this over with before any old men show up!".

*B1 Youth Gone Wild 3:18
B2 Here I Am 3:10
B3 Makin' A Mess 3:38
B4 I Remember You 5:10
B5 Midnight / Tornado 4:17

First kiss was right here, btw:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAlWQSoJq2E

loool

*B1 Youth Gone Wild 3:18
B2 Here I Am 3:10
B3 Makin' A Mess 3:38
B4 I Remember You 5:10
B5 Midnight / Tornado 4:17

― how's life, Wednesday, 18 July 2012 11:59 (48 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

A+

definitely have a weird formative sexual experiences/The Voice Of David Berman short circuit in my head

I literally went from playing with Barbies to having really smooth, regular sex overnight. Didn't seem like a big deal then but I was 15 when I met my first boyfriend who was 21. He was a mechanic and worked with his dad at a family owned shop but also worked at Mr Gattis to earn money for college. He went to college for a year before screwing up his football scholarship and ended up back in town. He was always staring at me and giving me free root beers and pizzas when I'd go there with my friends. When I'd show up with my parents he would just stare. I started to develop a crush on him. Thought he looked like Robert Di Nero (he really didn't though). We got together through my schoolmate who was good friends with his younger brother who was also 15. Now I look back and wonder WTF!

My parents were super strict and I was not allowed to date or even go out much but I was able to meet up with him just about anywhere since he had a car and would pick me up at the mall, a friend's house, school.....never snuck out of the house , parents had no clue. This went on until I was 17 and I broke up with him because he knew nothing about foreign films and wouldn't watch anything in black and white. We were going to get back together when I was 18 and in college. He fixed up a nice 65 Mustang to give me when I got to Austin but he left it running while he made a call at a phone booth and it was stolen. This happened a month before I arrived, so we didn't get back together.

I really wish I had been allowed to date and had a cute lil 15 or 16 year old boyfriend and my first time been with another virgin. That same guy now has a 15 year old daughter and I asked him recently if he lets her date and he said no way.

I grew up in a small town full of 4-H pig-raising types, and I wasn't at all interested in ANY of the boys at my school--save for the french exchange student, whom I was obsessed with. We went to Prom together, but no canoodling took place. In the summer between junior and senior year, though, I met some dude on an AOL chat room who was 34 and a waiter and lived in Denver, and he was extremely influential in my development as a thinking adult person. I know that age difference is supremely creepy, but hey, I guess it happens. It's odd to look back fondly on such a creep. In the latter half of my senior year, I started talking with this guy on the phone and stuff and then he started getting all moony and mushy and professed his love for me. He drove down to my shitty rural town from Denver (an hour drive), shortly after my eighteenth birthday and we drank a bunch of tequila in a hotel room then banged 6 or 7 times. I remember the next day I felt really depressed, down, sore, used-up, as I looked through a bunch of used records. I bought the Spinanes "Arches and Aisles" and listened to it a lot later that day as I took a nap in the dusky late afternoon, and when I woke up I think I cried a couple of times.

That was really beautifully written but made my heart hurt a little.

It was a depressing experience! To have this person twice your age hinging all their hopes and expectations on you, while you're yearning to be treated like an adult and be respected and regarded as a human being (but you're really just still a kid).

I remember that night I had told my parents I was spending the night at a friend's house--but they ran into her at the video rental shop that same evening. The next morning I was dealing with a barrage of questions and a lot of worry and I had to be very inventive in my lying.

The guy in question wanted me to move in with him, and that entire summer I wrestled with a lot of uncertainty about what to do. I thought at one point I might go through with it--ultimately disappointing my parents to the nth degree about being both a hussy and avoiding college, but in early August right after college orientation I ended up dumping him and just going to school like a normal 18 year-old.

man

I couldn't even fathom starting a relationship with an 18-year-old when I was 22, let alone 34

We were going to get back together when I was 18 and in college. He fixed up a nice 65 Mustang to give me when I got to Austin but he left it running while he made a call at a phone booth and it was stolen. This happened a month before I arrived, so we didn't get back together.

Can only imagine this guy's anguish..... (even though the thought of trying to buy your affection by giving you a vintage muscle car would normally be a bit creepy. But at least it's a car he fixed up himself using his mechanic's skills).

Me, I was 14, which seems ridiculously young now, but was actually a year later than most of my friends. I was clueless about girls, and was much more looking forward to getting my driver's licence than losing my virginity - actually i don't think the word "virginity" was even in my vocabulary yet. My summer-camp roommate told me a girl there had a crush on me. That was the first time I'd ever heard the word "crush" used in that sense and didn't know what it meant, but could tell by the way he was saying it that it must be something good. I thought he was pulling my leg, but when I saw sat across from her in the cafeteria a few days later and she was all giggly and kept looking at me, I realized my roomie was telling the truth. So I did what any clueless 14 year old would do - I invited her up to my room, but she suggested another unoccupied bedroom where we could be alone. There, we immediately got busy ("foreplay" wasn't in my vocabulary either). I have only two strong recollections - (a) i had trouble getting her bra off, and (b) the whole experience was dissappointing and anticlimatic. I don't know what I was expecting, but it was more awkward than enjoyable. Had she not led the way, I'm sure my first time would have been years later. Instead, it was like "been there, done that, wasn't a big deal" and had no inclination to have another such experience for years afterward. My second time would be a full 4 years later (despite having a gf for about a year in the interim), and my third time a year after that.

I graduated HS a couple weeks after we finally successfully did it and, even though we were really careful, I remember sitting on the stage during the commencement ceremony in my snow white dress (all-girls Catholic school thing) and just praying over and over again that I wasn't pregnant. I had already realized I didn't believe in God but I was so damn scared that I would have prayed to anything/one that day. As it turns out there was one pregnant girl among us that day but thankfully it was not me.

xp - I am excluding non-piv stuff (of which there was plenty with my high school gf) and anything non-consenual - if I included the latter, I probably lost my virginity when I was 4 or 5, when I encountered the first of several Jerry Sanduskys that would be foisted upon me during my childhood, which is undoubtedly why I didn't enjoy sex more most of my life.

holy shit, that's terrible

man Lee I am really sorry to hear that. I know you are not posting it to get sympathy. nonconsensual sex doesn't count for anything sexual on your tally in my opinion. that is not you "having sex" - it's you having an act of violence visited upon you. not to get all emotional but I get pretty emotional about child abuse, I hope wherever you're at now you get to a place of reclaiming your body because it is yours.

I have to constantly remind myself that everyone I meet doesn't know that about me - it always feels like somehow everyone can somehow discern it. It sucks, and yet, I can't even imagine what it would be like had it never happened. It's not like I have an alternate life to compare it to where none of that happened.

yeah, I certainly didn't know (not that we've had a bazillion heart-to-hearts or anything, but we've both been posting here for years and you do tend to learn things about ppl just through osmosis) and I never would have guessed that something like that happened to you

I have to constantly remind myself that everyone I meet doesn't know that about me - it always feels like somehow everyone can somehow discern it. It sucks, and yet, I can't even imagine what it would be like had it never happened. It's not like I have an alternate life to compare it to where none of that happened.

^^^this is beautifully & elegantly put though. my abuse wasn't sexual, but when I tell stories of my home life that by now seem kind of funny to me - they took place decades ago, and some of them have come to seem like broad dark comedy to me - people get visibly uncomfortable, & I'm like "oh umm sorry it's kind of dark & awful but it doesn't surprise me because it's true so the one thing it can't be to me is surprising"

I feel for you. I had plenty of non-sexual abuse too, which of course made the sexual stuff even worse since it all tied together. I've learned not to let on what was done to me when talking to others, but it makes me feel like i'm living a lie, because I can't talk about so many of my formative experiences. I imagine it would be like if Jackie O wrote an autobiography but had to leave out any mention of JFK being assasinated, or something like that.

I knew but only because you've mentioned on threads in the past. I'm pretty sure I've said this before but I'm really sorry you had to experience that.

thx.

for some reason reading this thread has made me a little depressed

on top of that, i always get a litle sad thinking about this because it was in my first gf's parents' bed, while they were out of town, and her parents are great people, still are, and i kinda feel like i disrespected them a bit doing that, like as if i did coke on their wedding photos or pooped on their couch. i guess at least we were the same age and we're all still friends.

Boy there's a question. Are you still in touch with the person?

She and I drop an email once or twice a year, but we're not Facebook friends nor do we send Christmas cards to each other.

Yes. We were pretty good friends until I was about 22 but then sort of drifted apart. Every couple years one of us will find the other and check in. The last time was when he emailed me because seeing a pair of his daughter's shocking pink cords had reminded him of the time I bought a similar pair at Antique Boutique in NYC and the memory prompted him to find out how I was.

I saw mine a few weeks back :) He put on a DJ night in Toronto. Good times!
Ours was not very notable. It was nice, not much pressure, we triumphed over anticipation. He'd had sex once, a year or so before. So was clearly a pro and I a mere novice.
Pretty sure if you google my full maiden name you can STILL find the ILX post where I talked about the music we played during the act (Blur) :P That's not embarassing, at all..

Started doing stuff of various sorts when i was 14, but held off on the actual standard def loss of virginity until i was 18 because i wanted to do it with someone that wasnt stupid (which sounds like a retroactive thought, but i remember having that be a odd really clear manifesto, also a quantity in short supply in my town, and also yeah i was kind of a pretentious dick abt shit like that). then i spent the next 6-10 years or so whoring it up like a fiend, which was greased by booze/drugs/my ability in retrospect to be a complete heartless asshole which i sorely regret abt those years. settled into a series of monagamous ltrs, and now im a decent human being married to a lady i love, so shit worked out eventually i guess.

oh hey anyone object to me deindexing this? not for my benefit but since people are operating with a lot of candor itt it makes a lot of sense i think.

Oh.... ILTMI is not all deindexed?

on top of that, i always get a litle sad thinking about this because it was in my first gf's parents' bed, while they were out of town, and her parents are great people, still are, and i kinda feel like i disrespected them a bit doing that, like as if i did coke on their wedding photos or pooped on their couch. i guess at least we were the same age and we're all still friends.

― the late great, Wednesday, 18 July 2012 21:10 (39 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

fwiw, obviously they/you/anyone might consider this a brutal act of dishonour or w/e but i think it's totally okay, & even in the broader context really good - like it's somewhere comfortable where you don't have to think too much &c. i don't have kids but presumably you don't want them never to have sex or to only have sex in the woods or w/e. people make way worse transgressions than venue.

ha honestly i dont remember, maybe it is? im the mod equivalent of the guy who naps through all the morning policy meetings at the office. xpost

If you de-index it I'll share (although it's not a fascinating story it's more pathetic)

mine was sometime early 20s, what I thought was too-late and alcohol-fueled and was kind of a non-event

I'm both glad and disappointed there's not really more of a story to share

the only really amusing thing abt the actual event for me is that for some reason (despite what i said about both of us being smart supposedly) we decided to tackle the task at hand in a goddamn papasan chair in her bedroom

lol

You know, there's nothing really amusing or interesting about my stories, either girl- or boy-. Except this: the girl (she was 17, I was 14) was really into "The Lion King" and we did it to the soundtrack. And the boy (both 16) was babysitting his infant brother at the time and "Pocahontas" was on in the other room.

I can barely even sit successfully in a papasan chair let alone anything dirty

Oh also, I've been hesitant to chime in b/c I'm shy about this stuff, but the TMI on this thread is beautiful and useful and thanks everybody for sharing.

I used to think it was odd that it was such a non-event for me, but evidently that's quite the norm. Makes me wonder why our first time seems to be regarded as being so significant.

I don't even remember her name. We're talking total random hookup here. I do remember the name of my first kiss though, which occurred a year earlier (13). That must mean something....

I think that's the second papasan reference on ilx this week, kudos

I had to google "papasan" to learn what it was. Wow, i've been a papasan virgin all my life....

I have only heard of it referred to as a satellite chair. Is "papasan" totally racist?

Only if you lost your virginity in a Japanese brothel.

idk ask pier one. xpost

I don't think so. It's what Filipinos call them, that or "grandfather chair".

By any name, these things look incredibly uncomfortable to sit on, and even more uncomfortable for other activities

They are crazy comfortable to sit in. Don't know about blowjies/sexors.

Comfort-wise they're a step above a recliner and a step below a hammock

Comfort-wise, almost everything is below a hammock!

So relaxing....

I used to have a papasan chair and LOVED it. Never fucked in it though.

ha honestly i dont remember, maybe it is? im the mod equivalent of the guy who naps through all the morning policy meetings at the office. xpost

― O_o-O_O-o_O (jjjusten), Wednesday, July 18, 2012 3:59 PM (2 hours ago)

nyah nyah, I brought donuts for everybody last time and you didn't get none.

Just checked and the whole board is deindexed.

well in that case let me also mention that I will remember forever the day my gf & I finally broke down and did the deed after months of oral-and-manual-and-makin'-out-only. It wasn't like the actual act was a huge revelation, it was just that it there was a restriction in place but the restriction was pretty arbitrary so there was just this one off-limits thing: I had mentioned that I knew there were condoms in the house previously & where they were, and it was really rad to be told in the middle of hottness naked stuff "if those condoms are still there go get one"

(heads to wikipedia)

kinda not a great joke on this board for me man

sorry

"If those condoms are still there go get one" aerosmith live in mexico city '82

I won't rest until I get that CD now

As a matter of record, I always have to state that the girl I drove to the other time zone with was my first, but man. I went out with a girl the summer before and we did everything but. We frequently went so far to do it... parallel? Like no penetration, but I would kinda scoop it between? Like a hot dog through a bun but not really?

Enough to make a mess, but we were both Catholics in name only and it seemed almost even more perverted to go that far and not do it.

Needless to say, we both laid other people within 90 days of breaking up.

My first boyfriend I dated for two and a half years without ever putting his dick in me. Sometimes I think back on it and feel like 'wow', and almost kind of guilty – because it was all me holding back – but we had tons of fun? and orgasms? so who cares. One time he tried to claim blue balls was an actual medical condition and I thought he was just uninformed. (TBH he thought ejaculate had only one solitary sperm swimming around in it.)

Never understood blue balls. Some dude would talk about it in the locker room and I would just think inside my head, "Then just go home and masturbate, what's the problem here?"

I remember sexual frustration post-virginity being a very different thing to sexual frustration mid-virginity, but blue balls was obv a joke phrase and if anyone took it seriously they were an idiot

I met some dude on an AOL chat room who was 34 and a waiter and lived in Denver, and he was extremely influential in my development as a thinking adult person. I know that age difference is supremely creepy, but hey, I guess it happens. It's odd to look back fondly on such a creep. In the latter half of my senior year, I started talking with this guy on the phone and stuff and then he started getting all moony and mushy and professed his love for me

^ start as you mean to go on

Like no penetration, but I would kinda scoop it between? Like a hot dog through a bun but not really?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intercrural_sex

Replace "thighs" with "labia minora", and yeah, that's it.

blue balls = a way of pressuring girls to put out

I wish they actually turned blue, like that Coors can that tells you it's cold when the mountains turn blue.

Then you could know...this man is about to die.

hahahah

blue balls = a way of pressuring girls to put out

― Je55e, Thursday, 19 July 2012 05:17 (5 hours ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

so otm. it's manufacturing an ailment that has an antidote, like snake bites & sucking out venom.

yeah who ever heard of snake bites

snakes, but they just call them bites

my ans to this q: age 20 to the woman who would become my wife

read that as "my anus"

no you didn't, get yr reading glasses checked

actually, I lost my glasses last night.

shoot! sry dude.

20/20 behindsight

is it possible to lose virginity incrementally? because i'm pretty sure i did. there was no single moment – just a succession of rash and confused decisions that lead to me saying, eventually, that i was Not a Virgin. many of the sad weird fumbling things i did before PIV cost and required more psychologically and emotionally than the Actual Moment, which came a few years after i first fooled around. An actual Moment i can, truthfully, barely remember.

traditional PIV was kind of 'oh, we did that' whereas when i answered the poll – and thought about the question of losing virginit – i picked the moment in which i, err, grew up and sort of lost the starry-eyed teenaged love thing and connected sex to real life.

not trying to be difficult, but isn't that the case with most people? that the actual sex is a secondary virginity loss to some other edenic fall that can be either precedent or antecedent by many years?

so otm. it's manufacturing an ailment that has an antidote, like snake bites & sucking out venom.

Honey, you have to help me quick. A snake bit my penis.

that seems like it would be a foolproof ploy until she whips out the pocket knife

http://i.imgur.com/0RAh6.gif

I remember sitting on the stage during the commencement ceremony in my snow white dress (all-girls Catholic school thing) and just praying over and over again that I wasn't pregnant.
Ummmm....ENBB, I actually took on a Novena once because i didn't want to be pregnant. It was a most horrible two weeks. I didn't want to hurt or disappoint my grandparents. My parents I didn't really care about because I imagined they'd be so mega-pissed at me.

What I remember most, once I wasn't a virgin anymore, between the ages of 15 and 21 was a constant, deep, pit dwelling feeling in my stomach of my innocence slipping away. I think this is what would lead to night depression. I'd be great all day, world on a string, youthful highs, but nighttime was the opposite. In my bed alone, I would just cry myself to sleep. If I were in bed with someone else, I would just become slightly irritable and moody... post coital.

Eventually this went away and only returned the very few times I did drugs. Once I did mushrooms, smoked pot when I dated a guy who grew it in his closet. I then started to guard whatever innocence I had left.

See, I felt that way after the first time I ever let someone kiss me, at all. I went back to my dorm room and burst into tears and cried myself to sleep for a week or so because I could never have another "first" kiss and what if he wasn't the one? I would have wasted my innocence and it would be all my fault for making a bad choice.

I never kissed him again, and by the time I had another boyfriend, 4 years later, I had moved on a little with my personal drama llama. Thank god because seriously.

He went on to become an undertaker, so I don't feel like I really missed out by not keeping that going.

The first time I kissed someone at age 15, I had a lonnnng confession session to my bishop in which I spent 5-10 minutes crying before I could get the words out. I felt so guilty. It freaked my bishop out a little. He kept trying to reassure me it wasn't that big a deal and I kept making those horrible choking hiccup sobs.

When I confessed to a different bishop at age 19 that I'd done all the sexing except actual sex, he blamed it all on the guy and said I'd been "lead down a primrose path" by a "wolf in sheep's clothing," which I was happy to accept at the time but now it makes me a little cross. I had a say in the matter, too! Sheesh.

I probably spent 15 years of my life reading way too many books that were published in 1920 in which a woman's virtue was compromised if she looked promisingly at a man across the dinner table. It gave me a complex.

I am sad that people had to feel bad about "innocence" and stuff. I wasn't in Catholic school long enough to get that baggage & the secular school where I got sex-ed happened to be during this miraculous window in elementary school education where U of Chicago early-education grads were taking some pretty radical ideas into the schools.* We had a week of sex ed taught by a married couple and it was comprehensive & open. Sex saved my life, honestly; without it high school would have been total Hell for me; my home life was horrible, I was a scrawny different kid ripe for bullying. Sex was the best damn this in life.
* (A year or two after I moved on to junior high, the Reagan revolution came along and the local schoolboard ousted the principal for moving the curriculum in a whole-person-rather-than-test-results way - long story.)

TBH sex with my HS boyfriend was a pretty awesome experience and, weirdly, some of the best I've ever had. I didn't regret it then at all and still don't.

I did feel the loss of innocence thing after the 2nd guy I ever slept with. It wasn't exactly all that consensual and in the morning I was filled with massive amounts of guilt and regret and sadness. He insisted on walking me back to my dorm and I didn't really know what else to do so I let him. Along the way he said "It's always a little awkward the morning after you sleep with someone the first time" to which I shot back "Yeah? I wouldn't really know since I've only ever slept with one other person". When I got back to my dorm I laid on my friend's bed all day and cried until it was time to go out and get drunk again. That night we ran into someone we knew who mentioned that said dude had been boasting in class earlier that day that he'd gotten laid the night before and was all smiles.

My first boy I ever kissed was named Clint. We were in 7th grade and were "going out". Our friends kept pressuring us to kiss but I wasn't sure I wanted to. One day he sent me a note that said "Do you want to make out? Circle one: yes no maybe. I circled maybe and a couple weeks later we kissed in the locker area during a school dance. His tongue felt like a slug.

my Mom got sex-ed at a Catholic school when her (occasional, I think) teacher walked across the classroom, closed the door & told all the kids they needed to know some things. so important.

are there any conservative christians here who did the socratic method to preserve their chastity promise to christ?

My guess is that a lot of women have some experience with coercion in sex, or maybe going along with it for a variety of reasons, the result being that you said "yes" but you didn't want to, or didn't want to then, or with that person, or something, so you end up feeling vaguely violated/aggressed. But also since you ALLOWED it, it's actually your fault, so you turn the feeling of violation on yourself and it shows up as depression or other socially acceptable ways for girls to be unhappy. This is handily branded as "a natural reaction to your LOSS OF INNOCENCE," you slutty slut. It's really destructive and insidious stuff all around.

When I confessed to a different bishop at age 19 that I'd done all the sexing except actual sex, he blamed it all on the guy and said I'd been "lead down a primrose path" by a "wolf in sheep's clothing," which I was happy to accept at the time but now it makes me a little cross. I had a say in the matter, too! Sheesh.

― Team Safeword (Abbbottt), Thursday, July 19, 2012 11:13 AM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Honestly, you get what you deserve for sexing up a furrie.

My guess is that a lot of women have some experience with coercion in sex, or maybe going along with it for a variety of reasons, the result being that you said "yes" but you didn't want to, or didn't want to then, or with that person, or something, so you end up feeling vaguely violated/aggressed.

very good point. although based on personal experience, i wouldn't describe this as a gender specific phenomenon. there's both a general/cultural/social coercion and a specific/incidental coercion at work in a lot of early sex-experiences. a bad old 'we should do this now!' drive or a 'you want to do this?' 'yes, don't you?' that stems from both developmental differences and particulars of the partners and overrides reason and better judgement.

'i must do this so i'm not left alone at the virgin table' or 'i don't want to seem like i'm not ready' or 'i've come this far and it's easier to just go along' or 'i'm terrified and don't know to do'

I never said that it couldn't also happen to men, of course boys can of course experience violation of their..hmm...personhood? just like girls can. But the pressures and consequences, both physical and social, are not evenly applied in real life dating.

It's not really about virginity or purity or innocence, it's about consent, is all I'm saying. Or I guess, proposing. Of course most sex ed/school systems/parents/etc are trying to crazy to keep kids from having any ability to give educated consent for anything involving their own bodies so I don't know what we expect to happen.

very true! i was meaning to indicate that there are a whole host of common and deep-rooted pressures and drives ('i'm not grown up until i do this thing and act like i like it, even if i don't' or 'yeah, the first time was awesome! it was amazing and so sexy and wrong!' 'whatever i'm a dude it was obviously awesome') that act internally/externally with equivalent nefariousness, if not countervailing force.

There are very few times in my life where I've had sex with someone for the first time and thought that it was during great circumstances. Too many times being drunk, or feeling pressured, or feeling like I was pressuring in some way, although the last is probably more hand-wringing than anything.

On the other hand, that makes the instances where the circumstances were good seem really great.

Awww Laurel, that's sweet though.

We'll have to agree to disagree about that, because I think it's needless self-flagellation.

I meant reading the books from that era part. I thought you were reading them at 15. Went back and re-read the post.

I am actually the one who wanted sex. The guy never even tried to kiss me until I told him too. He was just so weird, looking back at it all. He would sit there and stare at me most of the time. Didn't say much. I was okay with having sex the first time until he dropped me off at school that afternoon and my grandfather was there waiting. I found myself sitting in my grandfather's car as he drove me home wanting very much to just be a kid again. But at school the next day I felt great and was thinking of how we could meet up again. But every time
I was around my paternal grandparents or little sister I just became weird. Christmas that year was depressing, as was my birthday. I think this is what can happen when growing up Catholic and with a mother who couldn't even say sex. She'd spell it out.

Until I was 17 or so I always thought I was a pervert for wanting to do oral. As in, I thought it was a kink? I was worried my partners would think I was kinky. So I never did, even though I wanted to. Whoops and ouch.

ouch

I think yr doing it wrong

And even at 17, nobody told me. I still thought it was something other people'd find disgusting. I gave a "um you might think this is gross but I'd like to do something" speech the first time I went down. And afterward, I worried that I had an oral fixation and stopped chewing gum and toothpicks.

I don't remember when I found out that it was not only normal but considered necessary.

Def. didn't think it was normal, or at least commonplace, at 17. Don't think it's considered necessary even now.

(I mostly mean face-to-pie)

lol

contray to Owen's experience, I don't remember the first time I had anything besides oral. I mean, AIDS was in full bloom, that was about as intense as I wanted to get for awhile.

well if phone sex counts

at what age did you lose your phone sex virginity?

still pristine tbh

April 6, 2006
Assuming we're referring to hearing the Village People song
Is This The Finest Music Vid evah? (The Village People, "Sex Over the Phone")

middle school, when i got a sound card for my 386 and learned about the exciting world of sound boards

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGvNJl_LQ7Y

How did I ever forget about Kathy McGinty!!

wow!

When that guy blew me at 14, it started with me really wanting asking blow him, asking him if I could, then getting rrrrreally freaked out, thinking about AIDS and the fact that he was a very grown up total stranger. I panicked (all internal, no freakout) but fortunately he started blowing me and I gave him a hand job.

For all the ways religion was a problem for me, I somehow never had nearly the guilt, shame, and inhibitions that Rome instilled in others. I always thought Catholic guilt was something people half-joked about b/c Catholics seem less uptight in so many ways (eg, drinking and smoking) but damn, maybe they're lax in those regards b/c they're working overtime ruining sex.

I feel so sad to read so many of you felt bad because of religious upbringing causing guilt about sex. :( I went to an ecumenica interfaith church camp at 16 where ppl were told "more than hugging/holding hands is SINFUL" and couples were crying and stuff and it made me so mad.

My first time was pretty eh but I'd done everything but that up to it so it wasnt a big deal. As others have said, even with every new partner, often the first time is kinda crap, you need time to find each other out, which can make 1 night stands a bit awkward. Mindblowing wow stuff has only been after 2-3 times with someone Ive adored.

I've deleted some posts, but left aero's because it's a generically otm post beyond its relationship to any one poster, and because it didn't have any identifiers. I can delete it as well if aero wants me to. I didn't see any deletion request in the Mod Request Board...? Anyway, let me know if there's more to be done.

should probably go ahead and delete it - it's in response to a post that's gone now. thanks WmC yr the best!

nah, I'm just drawn that way

So, as my previous question probably indicates, I am (at 24 years old) still sexually inactive (i.e. I haven't even kissed anyone*). I don't really feel like it, mostly because I think that when you bypass the teenage hormonal "I MUST get laid" mindset you also kind of lose most of the naivite and quasi-innocence that's often more associated with that age/worldview than with sex. Also, sexual inactivity has made me spend an inordinate amount of time thinking deeply about sexuality on a theoretical and philosophical level (R your DE, I know...) to the extent that I'm probably incomparably more open-minded and liberal about sexuality than I would have been entering early on into so-called normative hetero relationships, courtship and all. Anyways, 24 feels like it's past some line in the sand, in that it feels like it's become an actual Thing as opposed to an inconvenience I've gotten used to. While my virginity is a product of morbid shyness and social introversion as opposed to, say, repression, religion, etc. (to say nothing of an up-and-down history of early sexual precociousness, the later self-imposed teenage reaction to that, and the counter-later reaction to that) I do worry about disclosure, for instance, in hypothetical future relationships. I also wonder if it's not worth it to just set up a dating site profile for no strings attached (or anything else, for that matter) stuff, since I really don't want to waste my sexual prime. Also masturbating all the time is pretty unfulfilling.

*Well, I once was kind of kissed by a guy at this outdoor party in montreal (piknic electronik, of course) who was, to my ignorance (at least initially) seriously cruising me. I was 18, on a 5 week long trip to montreal, and had just lost my wallet; after spending hours looking for it, I was happy to be able to commiserate with anyone or have anyone take my mind off the enormous stress I was just burdened with. He must have been in his later 20s, and more or less asked out-and-out if he could blow me, asked for my number, etc. He was pretty persistent, and was rubbing my leg (about which I didn't say anything - not out of intimidation or anything, though it was somewhat uncomfortable). I kept explaining that I was straight, despite his claims that I looked curious. (The latter wasn't entirely, 100%, absolutely untrue, but evidently I was far less bi-curious than I thought, let alone under such infortuiotous circumstances). After giving up he leaned in to kiss me and I didn't avoid it, and actually kind of pouted my lips in receipt. While obviously you can't expect a straight 18 year old to know cruising etiquette, I feel kind of foolish for being naive and leading him on, I guess. In any case I don't count it as a kiss: it was one-sided and had no tongue or anything fancy like that. Mostly it's just a "funny" anecdote now.

Woah, I didn't realize that was so long...

best post you could make, given the circumstances

I also wonder if it's not worth it to just set up a dating site profile for no strings attached (or anything else, for that matter) stuff, since I really don't want to waste my sexual prime. Also masturbating all the time is pretty unfulfilling.

i reached this point when i was 20 & did just that... my sexual experiences for, like, an entire year often weren't anymore fulfilling than masturbating but it was just good to get it over with and push myself out of my comfort zone. i'd recommend exploring that avenue. morbid shyness probably won't help, but the best part about no strings attached is that there are no strings attached.

What he said. I lost my virginity at 21 and met the man (the second man I've ever dated, btw) I've been married to for 19 years less than six months later. I'd been turning down oppertunities to get laid since I was 17 simply because I was frightened of penetration, and I consider that to be one of the two worst decisions of my life. Get laid. Now.

Being really shy and introverted might make NSA stuff awkward and near impossible though? . . . it's become an actual Thing as opposed to an inconvenience I've gotten used to. I do see the appeal of just jumping in, so to speak, to get over that THING and make it seem like less of an enormous issue. God, this is tricky! Do you, and I'm being totally serious here, have any friends you could rope in to help you out? Maybe a good friend you've known for years who would be willing to participate in some make out sesh with you?

I'm outgoing and extroverted and NSA stuff still can be awkward

24's really not that awkward imo, it's barely even an outlier in those results up there ^. I'd've said you'd be better 'overcoming' the shyness, or at least working around it. If you feel it's inhibited you, I'm guessing it's also done so in other ways too, so if you work on meeting people more generally you might find you pick up other experiences, the lack of which feels less pressing (and these might in turn lead to getting lucky, who knows?).

And I certainly wouldn't "worry about disclosure, for instance, in hypothetical future relationships" - you don't sound like you're going to be falling into scenarios where that'd seem weird, and anyway all relationships are different and the world is full of shy and inexperienced people. Chances are it'll be far less of a deal for a partner than you might think.

I don't think there's anything weird about being a virgin at 24 either. It's more then never kissed someone thing that makes me think shyness is a big issue here. I assume this also means you've never had a relationship, right?

just get a fleshlight

srsly though i think there are scarier and more pleasurable things (in terms of the required trust and level of bonding) in a relationship ... ok tbh maybe only like 3 or 4 things but believe it or not sex w/o those other 3 or 4 things gets boring fast

anyway i think virgins should focus on enjoying that phase of their life, seeing past people as potential sexual partners is key to becoming sexual partners and it's hard to do that if you're stressed about being a virgin

you should take some intense martial arts and unicorn taming classes while you're still a virgin

maybe i should say "successful sexual partners" because obv a lot of people also settle for a sanitized version of the deathdrone approach

sex vs. relationships vs. success

haven't had much of any of those three lately....

It is possible to not have had sex and still be happy with your life. As with everything in life, it only becomes a problem if you let it become one. I have better things to do than worry about solitude or virginity. The new Swans album leaked and it's awesome. :-)

Thanks for advice. To maybe clarify some things: involuntary celibacy doesn't bother me so much - I do enjoy freedom from relationship/chasing-tail burden - but growing complacency is making this look increasingly like an unecessarily long term thing. Basically, my problem is that I have a really difficult time meeting people and, especially, with maintaining relationships. As a result I have very few friends and hardly make any; at the same time, I've always figured whatever relationships I get into will come about through friendships, friends-of-friends, etc., which has never amounted to anything. I feel like I need to reconsider this strategy and go at it more... directly, I guess? In sum: last september I started an MA with a 36:3 male to female ratio. I mostly jokingly said to myself that if by [now] I'm still a virgin then I'm just going to give up on sexuality. This is like my crossroads ultimatum moment. And yes 24 isn't so bad, but I think it just feels long for someone who was sexually precocious early on (e.g masturbating at 10; more than daily at 12, lol).

I have better things to do
than worry about solitude or virginity.

- Rush, "The Eagle's Eye"

That's female to male ratio. And the other males are respectively partnered and a repulsive asshole.

Those are good odds; time to back yourself and make friends imo.

or you can just throw a post up on craigslist "casual encounters" and you'll be a non-virgin by next week. Though you probably won't enjoy the experience....

Are you in a university town, or a city? I know a number of guys who had that kind of ratio in engineering school--they hunkered down, worked hard, got great jobs and wives after.

EDB, you're not that far off where I was at your age. If you're a grad student, find the stodgiest bar that grad students hang out at and just start talking to people, if that's at all appealing.

Hey EDB I found this "guide to flirting" and I thought it was p helpful. Kind without being GAMEMASTER or creepy or weird, genuinely practical advice for a dingdong like me.

mh, why the stodgiest bar?

Grad students don't go to the partyingest college bars, that's for undergrads.

grad students go to the overpriced ones

OK, I give up. There's really no good reason I, at 25, and with an active libido and no relevant psychological or physical issues, should still be sexually inactive. I haven't even gotten anywhere, at all, since joining OkCupid more than a year ago. I dunno if I should, like, get this looked into, or whether I'm just subjecting myself to unnecessary self-pathologization.

if you ask someone "can i kiss you?" at a somewhat unusual moment in the midst of a conversation during a date or romantically charged hangout that's going well -- and sell it correctly by sounding confident yet somehow also caught off guard, as if the idea has just come to you -- you should be golden.

http://25.media.tumblr.com/05074a4364dfceceda751ad26a90ca3a/tumblr_mqbbkrQ7wd1rqw994o2_500.gif

ha

i mean, i am the first to admit i probably don't know what i am talking about. i just think that it might be a risk free way for ed.b to see where he stands if he finds himself in an ambiguous situation.

But if she says yes, then what do I do!?!?

The thing is, like, I haven't even gotten to the point where that was a possibility.

When I I I feel that something
I want to hold your haaaaaaand.
Please let me hold your ha-a-a-a-a-and.
I want to hold your hand.

And when I touch you I fele happy inside.
It's such a feeling that my love
I can't hide
I can't hide
I can't hide.

I wish libidos were like, say, kidneys so I could sell mine on the black market.

Been looking at site new answers all day, guess Matt P is taking some time off

*farts*

That's the spirit

do you have severe social anxiety and/or are you "holding out" for a supermodel? not joking. if the former you should address that in a more general sense rather than place too much emphasis on getting laid.

Well, I do have non-severe social anxiety issues - at least not severe enough to prevent me from going on dates - which is more or less the root of the problem. I rarely meet people, very rarely make friends, and have especial difficulty maintaining relationships, hence the fact I've never met and befriending available women where there's mutual attraction (I did come close this summer, but ultimately she wasn't interested in me).

Very tempted to start a sex/relationship advice column on ILTMI where people can benefit from my vast inexperience.

(a crowd gathers below the ledge and they chant)

do it! do it!

People that are ultimately not that interested might be sex partners before that ultimatum comes into effect

Is it possible to fail more totally as a human than by being a 28 year old virgin?

(excluding obvious answer of 'by being a 29/30/31 etc year old virgin')

short answer: yes

gotta say that never having put a part of your body into an opening in another person's body, or had a part of another person's body put into an opening in your body, does not strike me as a particularly noteworthy marker of one's success or lack thereof

OTM

yeah, WTF? (re soref)

28 yr old virgin = me, if that wasn't clear, not trying to have a go at anyone else.

not everyone has to have sex

if you want to, just make sure it happens before you're decrepit

sex is not that great, really.

i think you should all pursue whatever types of experiences you want to have, but don't think you are missing out on the best thing in the world or something.

otm, close second at best

i. scoring a goal

i. scoring a goal

Also number one in the list of things I am even less likely to do than get laid.

You can meet up with any nine people of a weekend and fix that.

10. Multiple Scorgasms – I’m sure whoever thought of this one up thought that it was a stroke of genius. Does it matter if they are a sexually frustrated middle aged man, of course not, they’re having a right giggle down at the Sunday league park.

A good burger tastes better than sex.

sex is not that great, really

As an adjunct to loving someone, sex is remarkably great. If you're just doing it because you like orgasms, you may as well masturbate, bcz lots fewer complications.

yeah sex is awesome wtf

Not sure that's a universal aimless tbh

Treeship, are you just having sex because you like orgasms, be honest

Not sure that's a universal aimless

I suppose there could be instances where sex with someone you don't love could involve fewer complications than masturbation, but they've escaped my notice.

i was 17 when i said goodbye to my virginity

it went back up to Albany to finish sophomore year

i. scoring a goal

Also number one in the list of things I am even less likely to do than get laid.

― this is how a punch sounds, like ditch, like quitch (soref), Saturday, October 26, 2013 1:13 PM (37 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

You can meet up with any nine people of a weekend and fix that.

― drugs/lies: poll (darraghmac), Saturday, October 26, 2013 1:14 PM (36 minutes ago)

could probably also solve yr virginity problem too

You spotted that eh

xps to aimless, one side of yr equation justified there, yes

i really don't like internet advice or, too much, the idea of reassurance elicited by somebody's complaint, but it always seems reasonably but depressingly confused for somebody to be almost made to feel bad, socially, about not sleeping with somebody. like i used to wonder about what a kind of common, cross-societal average age of virginity loss would be if the thing that was being referred to was meaningful sex, or sex that either party would have a desire to replicate, or sex with any (physical/mental/w/e) baseline of satisfaction or just presence, rather than just anything qualifying as sex (which obviously has a bunch of complications anyway for a bunch of people). i feel like it would diffuse an obvious or youthful expectation of virginity loss. i think a lot of people, by the time they are in their twenties, probably haven't had sex that is good, or navigated into any kind of confident sexual functionality, but it is just reassuring to have removed the status of virginity, binary style, even if the thing that happened was like ... not the thing that was sought. it's like having a fake id almost. it is probably a really good thing to be impatient for meaningful human contact but it is sad that the sensation of being in a deprived minority is a thing that hurts, especially when the thing that defines the prevailing, popular majority is so skewed; sure maybe there has been the crudest physical enaction of whatever you use to define virginity loss, but the actual worth of sex is something else altogether, i think, & like ... there isn't a marginality to being one of the people searching for that.

from the Morrissey autobiography, an exchange between Bowie and the author:

"David quietly tells me, 'You know, I've had so much sex and drugs I can't believe I'm still alive,' and I loudly tell him, 'You know, I've had so LITTLE sex and drugs I can't believe I'm still alive.'"

sex is one of those things like having a job and driving a car and managing one's finances -- things that are part of being an adult that you generally start out being shit at and have embarrassing early anecdotes about, but with experience are pleasurable and instill feelings of confidence and mastery

I was thinking of posting something earlier about how I became convinced that even if I managed something that just about met the dictionary definition of losing one's virginity that I still wouldn't have done it 'right' that it would just be a laughable travesty and I would be no nearer to cleansing myself of the stain of inadequacy- that doesn't really seem reassuring to me at all, to be honest though! Just more certain that there really is no escape xp to schlump's post

having a job and driving a car and managing one's finances

My track record with these is not that impressive either, tbh

do you work at a fast food restaurant and wear a horrible polyester polo shirt?

No.

well, that's good!

Liked schlump's post but agreed with sarahells tbh

My concern is that sex will be like what skateboarding is for me: I enjoy myself when I watch it and think about it, particularly in a way that makes me feel "I wanna do that!" But when I go out I soon remember that I'm out of shape and have no idea what I'm doing, in a way where what looks so fun to watch is actually pretty frustrating and hard, and you end up sweaty and exhausted (but still having had a good time in spite of it all).

if you think the parenthetic aside at the end of your post will be true of sex, why the the "concern"?

Lol, I wrote that whole thing out thinking "what a perfect analogy!" Then I remembered I actually have fun skateboarding, so it kind of fell apart. Basically the concern is all that without the good time.

Alternate scenario is that it may be like weed: held out for a good several years before trying it, then only smoked it like 8 times over the span of a year and a half; all it did was make me feel anxious and uncomfortable, such that I now have 0 interest in ever doing it again.

Or actually cigarettes are a better analogy: After much teenage longing, my first cigarette was incredibly unpleasant (and partly responsible for me having an anxiety attack) such that it was enough to turn me off smoking altogether.

is it the kind of thing where you think the first time will maybe stressful and then you might become accustomed to it and even enjoy it? like i didn't like riding roller coasters at first, or drinking beer, or smoking cigars but i developed a taste for it. would you ever think about hiring escort to make the first experience kinda professional + safer or is that totally out of the question?

when you say escort do you mean amusement park safety technician & are you referring literally to your rollercoaster ride analogy because otherwise suggesting involving sex workers for safety & professionalism seems like kinda a left turn here

My concern is that sex will be like what skateboarding is for me: I enjoy myself when I watch it and think about it, particularly in a way that makes me feel "I wanna do that!" But when I go out I soon remember that I'm out of shape and have no idea what I'm doing, in a way where what looks so fun to watch is actually pretty frustrating and hard, and you end up sweaty and exhausted (but still having had a good time in spite of it all).My concern is that sex will be like what skateboarding is for me: I enjoy myself when I watch it and think about it, particularly in a way that makes me feel "I wanna do that!" But when I go out I soon remember that I'm out of shape and have no idea what I'm doing, in a way where what looks so fun to watch is actually pretty frustrating and hard, and you end up sweaty and exhausted (but still having had a good time in spite of it all).

This is somewhere approaching normal ime

for sex, football, dancing, running, possibly with some finetuning metaphorically it holds true for any activity one can imagine doing.

Well, I mean I'm kind of joking around with all that, and I feel like I have a pretty realistic idea of what to expect. Mostly I'm curious when it's gonna get to the action already, or if it's possible to be a spinster if you're a 25 year old male.

ed your first time, or first couple of times, might be not especially great because of the stress and concern you have around it. but it might! and it'll probably be fun anyway! and there'll never be the same weight of expectation on it again so at least you'll have that relief.

anyway if you do meet someone who successfully communicates that they want to touch your bits, and you like them, let 'em know that it'll be your first time BUT! frame it as "you get to show me what to do, won't that be fun?" not "oh god I've never done this before, I'm sorry I'll probably be terrible"

otm

frame it as "you get to show me what to do, won't that be fun?"

Is there anybody that would actually think that was fun, though?

you can always pay someone

Is there anybody that would actually think that was fun, though?

― this is how a punch sounds, like ditch, like quich (soref), Saturday, October 26, 2013 7:20 PM (8 minutes ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

dude

In my experience that is not something people regard as "fun"

I'm imagining telling someone who indicated that they want to sleep with me that I'm a 28 yr old virgin, and following it up with "you get to show me what to do! won't that be fun?" and I can't see it as anything other than some kind of harrowing sitcom 'comedy of awkwardness' type thing, hope that doesn't to sound too negative.

Sex with someone new is pretty often a comedy of errors, nothing wrong with that

it's not that complicated soref. you can probably get away with not mentioning you're a virgin.

soref & edb, have u ever considered or tried sleeping with your, like, friends? like maybe it would be fun, someone you're comfortable around... idk, it sounds crazywrong but maybe it's not?

Just tell them "I want you to lead, tell me what you want"

^ smooth

"I want you to tell me what you want, but using very direct language, no euphemisms"

Soref, having thought about this a bunch, I've decided my approach (if and when it ever happens) will be to keep quiet until it reaches the point of "so gonna happen", and then tactfully interject with something along the lines of: "by the way, I'm kind of really inexperienced, and so kind of have no idea what I'm doing, so if I may I would like to hereby politely implore you to exercise patience, understanding, and assertiveness for the mutual greater good." So basically, what DJP said (which works for me as a natural sub). I'm hoping they don't get suspicious when they see I don't know how to kiss.

I definitely have friends I'd like to sleep with, I'm just not sure how much they'd be into it, ha. Not an easy topic to broach, either! A friend who can be a sex tutor would be ideal, though.

I do remember hearing about a dating website for people with social inhibitions, can't for the life of me remember it though. If I can't meet people on OKCupid, I don't know how much some offbrand website for weirdos is gonna be.

(a crowd gathers below the ledge and they chant)

do it! do it!

― Aimless, Saturday, October 26, 2013 2:45 AM (2 days ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

almost got whiplash from the double take here. anyway as someone who has suffered from stupidly long droughts to the point of forgetting how it all works, i think this - keep quiet until it reaches the point of "so gonna happen", and then tactfully interject with something - is a decent plan. No point mentioning it before time but i think it's best to be honest and open, and if the other person is at all worthwhile then it really won't end up being that big a deal.

yeah

getting to that stage tho, tbh, idk if ilx can help you with that.

i guess i might as well pipe up and say that i had a friend in high school (we're still friends) who relished the opportunity to be someone's first. she delighted in it. she got to do whatever she wanted and be the sexiest woman on earth. i think you are really underestimating the number of people (i don't remember if you want to sleep with men or women) out there who are not only willing, but eager to "lead"

That is to say that I think you should seriously chill with the apologies and use this to your advantage.

A family member of mine devirginized (and for some reason married) a 37 year old man. For some reason this didn't occur to me earlier, probably trying to block it out.

making you watch was a neat trick tbf

NO.

ur not ready to share with us yet and that's cool, that's cool

get a high class hooker to show you the ropes.

I'm pretty serious in this answer, too.

Don't use porn as a guide it is horrible

eh has it's moments tbh

judging by the glimpse into the world of high class hookers provided courtesy of Eliot Spitzer, such women would be very lovely, capable and tactful, but goddamned expensive

My concern is that sex will be like what skateboarding is for me: I enjoy myself when I watch it and think about it, particularly in a way that makes me feel "I wanna do that!" But when I go out I soon remember that I'm out of shape and have no idea what I'm doing, in a way where what looks so fun to watch is actually pretty frustrating and hard, and you end up sweaty and exhausted (but still having had a good time in spite of it all).

― Fiddler on a hot tin roof (ed.b), Saturday, October 26, 2013 7:29 PM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

I feel this, and because of that built it up so much in my head that I was convinced I'd perform so badly that the first time I had it, I refused to go beyond oral and manual stimulation with this girl until I could tell she was disappointed it wasn't going further. and then we had it and it was surprisingly anticlimactic, like it was enjoyable but I didn't feel like it was something that required a degree in electrical engineering.

was a latebloomer, age 22.

I'd like to think I have the presence of mind to not take porn as a guide, but just to make sure... (This is man [me] - woman [no one!], btw. And yes, I'm aware this all varies with person to person/couple to couple/group to group, and that the idea that there's any kind of "normal" sex you "should" be having is an inherently repressive idea, but any tips are welcome).

"Routine" wise, aside from all other foreplay matters, is it particularly common/effective to start orally and work up to penetrative sex? (Going straight into the latter seems a little too... businesslike), and if so, how do you know when to move from one to the other (or is it all just personal preference?). That is, if one is able to bring a woman to climax with mouth/hands, is it generally a good idea to go for it, or hold off in order to stretch it out longer - namely into penetrative sex (with which, I understand, it's much more difficult to reach climax).

I also have embarrassingly little idea about how womens' sex drives work, which is to ask: can you bank on having several climaxes in one outing, or is it the sort of thing, as with men, where you have one or two and don't want to come too early, lest you be out of sexual energy for the while. Mostly, I have no idea how the whole finishing at different times thing works. Like, when he comes before her (about which, you're supposed to announce this before it happens, right?), does he just continue with mouth/hands until she's done, or what? Or when she comes before him (am I correct in assuming this doesn't happen that often, or not for people like myself that can achieve orgasm easily) does he just keep going, or is that uncomfortable for her?

I will be here assiduously taking notes, thanks.

High class call girls are like tattoos to me: Yeah, they're cool, but I feel no internal nor external compulsion to get any, and that's before you factor in how much they cost (not including tip, about which, do prostitutes get tips?)

There is no monolithic "women's" sex drive. Women are individual humans and each one is different. Sorry. I recommend communication with the woman you are with to find out how this works for her.

you just keep doing whatever seems to be pleasurable until something else seems like a better idea, or one or both people indicate they want to stop the current activity due to discomfort or completion or a pedestrian starts walking by your hiding spot

carl otm
stop trying to learn and just practice!

I just think approaching SEX as some kind of vault of dark secrets that you must unlock before you can proceed to the next level is self-defeating and dehumanizing to your potential partner, who is an individual human being with opinions on the topic.

Also read up on enthusiastic consent.

http://captainawkward.com/2011/05/17/reader-question-50-im-a-27-year-old-virgin-and-im-mostly-okay-with-that-but-sometimes-i-feel-like-a-loser/

Here's the part I think might be applicable to the anxious virgins in this thread:

The answer to our problem isn’t sex, it’s dating. A lot. Get an online dating profile, and if you like someone, go meet them for coffee or at a bookshop (buy each other a book, great first date!) or at an ice cream shop or whatever for 30 minutes. If that goes badly, you say goodbye forever and move on. If that goes well, go on a bigger date. If that goes well, keep dating. Kiss your dates. Make out with them. Hold their hands. Dump them after three dates. Dump them after a year. Let them feel you up in movie theaters. Massage their thighs in movie theaters. And if you like them That Way, and they seem good at the kissing and feeling up, tell them you’re not very experienced at sex, but would like to try it with them. The point of dating is not sex. The point of dating is not even love. The point of dating is to get to know a person well enough that love and/or sex are possible.

I'll show you the sex ropes for 50 quid

Another idea that you might consider instead of hiring a prostitute:

http://captainawkward.com/2012/08/02/319-captain-awkward-writes-your-casual-encounters-ad/

xp see? You've got a taker already!

(note - wins means actual literal sex ropes, caveat emptor)

The point of dating is not sex. The point of dating is not even love. The point of dating is to get to know a person well enough that love and/or sex are possible.

This is a pretty positive take! Arguably some people think that the point of sex isn't necessarily linked to dating in such a way and are into one-night encounters or w/e but I don't think that's a good starting point for anyone apprehensive about the whole experience.

That's where the casual encounters advice comes in. I ain't judging.

the ilx dating threads are a reminder, tbph, that 'dating' as advocated here and seemingly practiced in the US as a norm of late is a nightmarish gauntlet of pyschological torture

my manifesto:

don't date, make friends.

some of them, or some of their friends that you meet as you normally will the friends of your friends over time, please god, you may find attractive and they may reciprocate.

aiming yr sex wants at strangers from the get-go, that's just weird, no?

if you can't make friends, or can't make friends of the right gender relevant to yr desires, welcome to ilx. we're as good as it's gonna get for now.

my manifesto:

don't date, make friends.

this is super OTM

About 80% self imposed from what I've read and what I remember. xp

more than likely true, but idk does that make the torture easier to avoid

next ILX Fancy an Orgy should solve all of this thread's problems.

Also, Darragh otm imo.

FAO Tom. (but you can all look if you really want)

1. yes, there totally are people who would like to be someone else's first, be someone's guide into this uncharted and supposedly (but actually not really) magical territory, stick a flag in them and maybe be forever remembered as ~special~. I mean all that is more or less human nature, right? It seems like a stigma but once they're not teenagers people should have stopped being all "lol virgin" and respect the decisions you've made to reach this point, even if you don't think you made any decisions.

Anyway if I made it sound creepy/overbearing then it needn't be, there are plenty of other people your age who've only had one or two or even 0 partners and for whom it would be a relief to be with someone else not super-experienced.

2. but you totally don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to - Dan's "show me what you want" line is smooooth, but it's also OK to say "I haven't done this for a while and I'm a bit nervous" without giving more detail if you think it'll be obvious, or not even say that

3. carl agatha/everyone otm, your partner will probably tell you or at least hint what she likes, whether she has the stamina for more, etc. Everyone's different (I know I don't match the joke stereotypes) so it's totally fine to talk it through and not just know already

dating website for people with social inhibitions . . . some offbrand website for weirdos

Hmm... brb, getting credit card out.

if you can't make friends, or can't make friends of the right gender relevant to yr desires, welcome to ilx. we're as good as it's gonna get for now.

This will be the epigraph of my biography.

Thanking U all for the sage advice.

(yeah, sorry I got a bit... vicarious-date-splainy.)

If it helps any? Maybe I have said this already. But I brought a man home once who didn't tell me til the next day that he had been a virgin. I couldn't tell - he did not stick out as inexperienced; as long as you're respectful and thoughtful I think the actual act itself goes pretty smoothly once you get the hang of it (minutes, not encounters). I mean, I've been with my husband eight years and we still get the angles wrong sometime; sex is fun and sometimes funny and it's okay if it's not like a fantasy novel every time. People who would get upset about incorrect technique/a second too little foreplay/anything that isn't malicious/disrespectful don't deserve to be having sex anyway, so don't fear their judgements.

yeah. it's kinda like I was scared my first time and then the motion of the ocean started being so awesome that I didn't give a fuck.

hell, even the first time I did oral, I was making it up on the fly and my partner was none the wiser. you gotta go with the ebb and flow. ie, at a particularly sensual moment of kissing and rubbing, don't bite her ear and scream "OHHHH IMA RIDE THAT PONY" in her ear.

or, yknow, do. gauge it, like.

if you misread that as gouge that's your own lawsuit btw

that's actually a good tip, if you dance to the song "Pony" with a woman your chances of having sex with her go up significantly

There's a DJ night periodically that plays Pony on the hour in Toronto, for starters

I still say hooker.

maybe get a lap dance and see if you finish?

i mean, do you want intimacy and to have it be special? Or do you want experience under your belt so you feel confident IN dating?

that would be nerve wracking in its own way though.

nerves in themselves aren't a bad thing, I mean in that some nerves are almost a guarantee you will be able to perform. too many nerves and you may "perform" too early, but it's alllllll about the breathin man

Xposts: haha, I (living in Toronto, no less) met someone on OkCupid and together bonded over our mutual fondness for "Pony." If only I had any interest in actually dating her, though! (Ain't that how it works...)

Also, I have no interest in any sort of special first time - if it was possible I'd skip over the first time altogether - but to have the basic training if and when I'm called to duty.

I think I'd be ok. I just need to remember the scene from "Houseguest" where Sinbad teaches the adolescent son to drive, telling him you have to hold the wheel like you would caress a woman. This scene was instrumental in teaching me to drive, and I don't doubt Sinbad will help me again.

maybe get a lap dance and see if you finish?

― your face comes with coleslaw (Neanderthal)

i mean, do you want intimacy and to have it be special? Or do you want experience under your belt so you feel confident IN dating?

― homosexual II

do you have to walk around the rest of the night with that experience under your belt?

well, so ok I have only contributed joke answers to this thread but I'm pretty fuckin high right now and [whoever the virgin posters are I forget] let me tell you I was a pretty late bloomer, due entirely to my own timidity, and then I lost it and woo adult sexuality

which was GREAT

and but now I've fallen into a weird spinster situation the last few years and there are sometimes parties but nothing happens and I've developed a really unhelpful crush on a particular person (and his girlfriend) and basically just loosen up and go for it before your circle of friends constricts

queue's up "Bookends Theme"...

I was 17, she was my first girlfriend, she was 14. I spent most of my youth as a fat pig and my first three years of high school in Catholic school and no one gave me the time of day. I got thrown out of catholic school and went back to public school...during the summmer I lost a bunch of weight. When I arrived at new school as new skinny kid in Smiths t-shirts the ladies came out of the woodwork.

It was new years eve 1992, i put on disintegration and we made hot gothic love for 30 seconds. Not memorable at all. Everytime after that (which was constantly, because we fucked like rabbits) was pretty good. Until one night I went to pick her up on a date and I got to her house and saw her on all fours through the window getting plowed from behind by someone else. Hence my trust issues to this day.

do you have to walk around the rest of the night with that experience under your belt?

― Zachary Taylor, Tuesday, October 29, 2013 1:54 AM Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

lol

http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/11/13/does-my-virginity-have-a-shelf-life/

O_O

freelancers be talking about their virginity

http://www.salon.com/2013/11/13/im_a_26_year_old_virgin/

Two years ago, I flew to Chicago to be painted nude by an ex-boyfriend who is an artist. The weekend was richly romantic and sexual, but masochistic in so many ways. I put myself in the bed of the man whom I had long dreamed about. Would he have been the one if I had connected with him sexually? During our reunion weekend, I never wanted someone so badly, yet I denied myself. I walked away with some sketches and left him with a few to paint from, selfishly hoping I was planting a seed for another visit. I’m still waiting.

writing this article about your virginity is a really long way of getting to the point, lady

http://i.imgur.com/e1BT7G4.jpg

Caption: Not a sex haver

Feel like proclaiming that you're a virgin is the new "I don't even OWN a TV!*"

*There is evidence that "I don't even OWN a SMARTPHONE!" may also have a claim

Dear New York Times Forum -- you won't believe it, but this really did happen to me a couple of years ago in Chicago...

I’m a pretty typical 26-year-old male. I’ve been to more than 150 rock concerts. My father and I watched Tiger Woods win all 14 of his major championships. I have a few tattoos. Like most 20-somethings, I’m working on finding myself, whatever that means, and I’m swimming in student loan debt. But I am unique in one way, and it’s not my red hair.

I have never had sex.

It’s not because I haven’t had a girlfriend. All through high school I dated someone, or chased someone depending on whom you ask. For the past four years, I’ve been with the same girl, and we’re getting married in the summer of 2015. She’s a 24-year-old wedding photographer who’s also never had sex. It’s no wonder we found each other, right?

What might be even more surprising is that we aren’t abstaining because of religion, rebellion or any kooky anti-sex group. It’s actually a decision I made all by myself.

^ gayyy

might be on the spectrum, that is a lot of numbers spewed out for no reason

I mean, what does watching golf with your dad have to do with anything? That reads as "I spend a lot of free time with my parents" to me

i like how that article starts off like he's cool with being a virgin but quickly devolves to bashing the nickleback-supporting homophobe strawmen who make fun of him

the guy in the article jordan posted seems normal if maybe a little conservative for whatever reason, but the NYT chick i think is actually a psychopath

or, yknow, writes like one for money

I can' help but RMDE at all this "saving myself" business. Not just for the typical reason of self-congratulatory asceticism being tedious, but, like, my celibacy is involuntary, these people are just rubbing it in.

NYT chick i think is actually a psychopath
she's an esl teacher named amanda, what did you expect

aww

Virgin Psychopath would be a neat ilx username

Better cocktail name imo

xpost to myself: I think what I meant to say is that those people are basically virginity trolls.

Deems otm

At 26 with no end in sight, this is getting increasingly old...

Forget what you've heard about your first time being special. Hire a prostitute or something.

yea plus aren't there like a bunch of casual sex hookup apps where you can find people in your neighborhood to fuck?

Hiring a prostitute to have sex for the first time seems like a terrible idea. (Admittedly, I think it's always a terrible idea.)

I know it's hard not to think about if it's a preoccupation, but maybe the thread isn't helping? I don't know, man, I think you need to try something new.

Forget what you've heard about your first time being special

This is definitely not my concern, I'm just getting really sick of having always been alone, and the fact that there's nothing to suggest this will change anytime soon. Mostly I just feel like complaining.

Hiring a prostitute to have sex for the first time seems like a terrible idea.

You're probably right. It's just something I've seen in movies and on tv.

I'm just getting really sick of having always been alone, and the fact that there's nothing to suggest this will change anytime soon.

Well yeah, this sucks, especially if that solitude isn't a choice.

Hiring a prostitute to have sex for the first time seems like a terrible idea.

That's easy for you to say, not everyone knows how to talk to strangers/women/potential relationship candidates. Not everyone took part in the whole dating thing when they were growing up.

So, in short, I disagree. Don't wait until you're 41 like msome people. When it's such a big deal in your head, all you care about is knowing what it's all about. No strings attached (except the one she's wearing, perhaps), no need to act like you're social, just you finding out how it feels. Sure, you'll feel guilty, sure, it won't be as great as it looks in porn, but in the end, you'll know. And that was the point. You won't become a different person or anything, you'll just know.

At least, that's just something I've seen in movies and on tv as well, obviously.

You'll learn something about the mechanics of sex, but an essential part of the experience will be missing, because you'll be having it with someone who doesn't really want you. That seems like a bad thing in general, closely related to the ethical problems with prostitution, and especially bad for a first sexual experience.

that's really on your own baggage. it's hard to divest if it's part of you and you haven't had any sex. but really, you can have enthusiastic consensual sex with a stranger or pro or whatever and have a good time

The idea that good sex requires love and obligation and a guilt complex is uhhh, fine if that works for you but don't foist that on others.

http://www.wearysloth.com/Gallery/ActorsK/85783-19426.jpg

i don't think jrn's position has to be about love and obligation and a guilt complex though. it's true that first time sex (whether overall first time or with a new partner) isn't a big deal but the reason it's not a big deal is perhaps less about some brutally objective physical fact than it is that when you're with someone you're comfortable around, and there's some distinct mutual feeling, then intimacy and sex are pretty easy.

mh, could you explain how you interpreted my post as opposing casual sex? I'm really curious.

i can't imagine having sex with a prostitute and not feeling paralyzed with self-consciousness about the fact that they (probably) aren't attracted to me. this seems like awful advice for a first timer.

How do you feel when you imagine having sex with a non-prostitute?

but an essential part of the experience will be missing, because you'll be having it with someone who doesn't really want you

If you're having casual sex, you're doing it to have sex and not feel deep love and romantic feelings and the like? And presumably the other person does want you (to have casual sex with them). Saying that you're missing something _essential_ misses the point that it's _casual sex_.

but jrn's saying that "essential part" is missing in sex with a prostitute, not (necessarily) in casual sex

sex is just a body thing when you get down to it. something that just happens on a different level than things like acceptance, love, or any of that shit. we add all those different layers to it because that's what we do. is there any great meaning behind whether someone's body wants to fuck you? if you imagine you're a sex god i guess i could see that as important. or have some great need to be accepted unconditionally by every person you want to screw.

i've had casual sex where i didn't give a crap about the other person, and vice versa. it's just fun with someone else. then you part ways. costs about $6 in beer. it all depends on what you want and feel comfortable with, but there's nothing great or special about what sex is. it's just our bodies doing their thing.

and there's the other end of the continuum

i wouldn't see a prostitute, personally, but i don't think there's anything wrong with that. my taste is that the other person having fun is part of me having fun. has to be mutual. but it doesn't make you a shit person if you really want to get off and you see someone who can help you with that for money. might even be good for you as long as you're safe about it.

Several years back I knew a woman who *loved* having sex with first-timers, especially older ones, guys who were shy, uncomfortable talking with women, or clueless about how to initiate a relationship, but were generally nice guys. She would all but offer herself up to anyone she knew to be a virgin as long as they were nice to her and not repulsive. When I asked her why, she said these men always treated her so well and made her feel important, because she was important to them. She was also amazed at how good they were in bed, perhaps because they'd spent so long just thinking about sex, asking their friends about it, or reading up on it.

I wonder how common this is.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ah7VxQHs-gI