Xgau takes music criticism to a new level

"I got nipples on my titties, big as the end of my thumb,
I got somethin' between my legs'll make a dead man come,
Oh daddy, baby won't you shave 'em dry?

Aside: Now, draw it out!

Want you to grind me baby, grind me until I cry.

(Roland: Uh, huh.)

Say I fucked all night, and all the night before baby,
And I feel just like I wanna, fuck some more.
Oh great God daddy,

(Roland: Say you gonna get it. You need it.)

Grind me honey and shave me dry,
And when you hear me holler baby, want you to shave it dry.

I got nipples on my titties, big as the end of my thumb,
Daddy you say that's the kind of 'em you want, and you can make 'em come,
Oh, daddy shave me dry,

(Roland: She ain't gonna work for it.)

And I'll give you somethin' baby, swear it'll make you cry.
I'm gon' turn back my mattress, and let you oil my springs,
I want you to grind me daddy, 'til the bell do ring,
Oh daddy, want you to shave 'em dry,
Oh great God daddy, if you can't shave 'em baby won't you try?

Now if fuckin' was the thing, that would take me to heaven,
I'd be fuckin' in the studio, till the clock strike eleven.
Oh daddy, daddy shave 'em dry,
I would fuck you baby, honey I'd make you cry.

Now your nuts hang down like a damn bell sapper,
And your dick stands up like a steeple,
Your goddam ass-hole stands open like a church door,
And the crabs walks in like people.

Aside: Ow, shit!

(Roland: Aah, sure enough, shave 'em dry?)

Aside: Ooh! Baby, won't you shave 'em dry

A big sow gets fat from eatin' corn,
And a pig gets fat from suckin',
Reason you see this whore, fat like I am,
Great God, I got fat from fuckin'.

Aside: Eeeeh! Shave 'em dry

(Roland: Aah, shake it, don't break it)

My back is made of whalebone,
And my cock is made of brass,
And my fuckin' is made for workin' men's two dollars,
Great God, round to kiss my ass.

Aside: Oh! Whoo, daddy, shave 'em dry"

http://s37.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=3KX5PQ2E0ENJM20MQ8JGX2O1QA

haha I love the 'voice'.

he is something that we should all aspire to be like.

he gets paid to review records, instead he wriotes about humping sluts... MARVELOUS!

"Sexual intercourse began
In nineteen sixty-three..."

this is nothing new for Xgau either. he's always had a creepy sexed-up side

ihttp://www.jerrymccain.com/images/Lucille%20Bogan.jpg

http://www.redhotjazz.com/Bogan.jpg

"We dug up your mother's grave and fucked her. Her skeleton."

Hello. I've enjoyed your work for years, keep it up! However, I do have one small concern. Although I am but a simple music fan, and do not profess to be able to analyze and rate music with the level of intelligence and insight that you do, I would appreciate it if – from now on – your reviews AVOIDED MENTIONING THE STINKY POOP STAINS ON YOUR UNDEROOS!

I do not want to limit you creatively, but I feel that if we could abide by this one, small guideline it would be best for all of us.

A Concerned Reader,

M@tt

P.S. Outside of the aforemetioned "skidmarks" comment I thought the review was entertaining, if way fucking skeevy.

Although the line "The subtlety of her variations was delicious" is too skeevy for me to even fully comprehend.

Oregon: Deciduous.

What a pervert.
-- Mr. Snrub (Mr. Snrub), Wednesday, March 30, 2005 12:35 PM (2 years ago) Bookmark Link

Well, he is.

And yes, I realize he was just writing his record review to mimic the lyrics. But he's still a pervert.

Yay pervs!

I will not forgive him the picture he has created in my mind: hairy rock Dean buttocks; skinny frame pumping away with the avidity of the almost dead; white, beskidmarked underpants at half mast on his aging liverspotted legs. With many bookshelves in the background, many books.

huge pile of vintage porn mags stacked by the wardrobe.

skinny frame pumping away with the avidity of the almost dead; white, beskidmarked underpants at half mast on his aging liverspotted legs. With many bookshelves in the background, many books.

Despite the fact that this imagery probably comes from a ignorant place, it's still fucking hilarious. Only I wonder if Moley will find it hilarious when s/he hits 65.

HBO's movie about Bessie Smith, "Bessie," included a snatch of another Lucille Bogan song, equally as explicit, called "Till the Cows Come Home." There was a scene in which Bessie (Queen Latifah) is listening to the Bogan record and exclaiming, "She's nasty!"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=heYxa6yX2os

Oh right, people still pay this asshole.

https://noisey.vice.com/en_us/article/zmkgp4/robert-christgau-reviews-amanda-shires-lori-mckenna?utm_source=nt

Lou Reed just sent you a friend request.

The Bangles [Faulty Products EP, 1982]
They have more Beatles in them than Fanny and the Go-Go's combined, but nothing in the songs tells you why they bother or keeps you so busy you don't have time to wonder. It's almost as if the not quite soulful rubber harmonies are ends in themselves--as if these women 🤔 can't get past their own craft because craft comes so hard to them. B

All Over the Place [Columbia, 1984]
Definitely reduces the nostalgia-cum-nausea factor that it's women 🤔 who execute these familiar heart-stopping harmonies, and thank God there's not a trace of Liverpool or even Britannia in the accents. But the value of these songs isn't merely negative--they're thoroughly realized in both the writing and playing. Though the style is as derivative and even retro as on EP, they don't seem to be dabbling any more. Maybe they project such confidence because they know exactly what they want to say: don't fuck me over. A-

Different Light [Columbia, 1986]
Right, they're maturing into a less derivative pop synthesis, as if that means shit these days. Like the Raspberries before them, they're brilliant when they emulate the Beatles and mature popsters when they don't. And for what it's worth, the four most striking tunes here are the four nonoriginals--every one, for what it's worth, written by a guy. 🤔 B

And just so we never forget:

Lost in Space [SuperEgo, 2002]
I've never understood this ice queen thing myself. What's the big thrill--getting to see them bite their lip when they come? All I know is this poster girl for the DIY fallacy is still the ultimate NPR middlebrow, addressing disillusioned love songs to the biz the way Christians address illusioned ones to the Lord Jesus. For her fans, the news is that she's invested her profits in studio musicians. Takes talent to make that more boring than solo acoustic, no? C+

I shouldn't be amazed, but I am amazed at how dickish and irritated he comes across in his new answer-the-fans column. I mean, I get that he's sick of fanboys wanting to know if he's changed his mind on some album he dismissed in a parenthetical 30 years ago, or whether Record X is an A or an A-, but even in relatively innocuous or staightforward questions like whether he listens to the radio his condescending tone is worthy of at least an arched eyebrow. ("As with all queries as to my non-review-oriented listening, I ask everyone here to do the math. ").

Whereas in his answers column Greil Marcus just seems to shrug at questions of little interest to him (and I do love those torturous three paragraph questions that get a one-line response like "They're not for me" or "You're right").

And for what it's worth, the four most striking tunes here are the four nonoriginals--every one, for what it's worth, written by a guy.

🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔

Who would ask a rock critic a question?

(Disclosure: I once emailed Ben R4tliff and asked if he was into the band Harry Pussy.)

The Beatles? Why bother!

nostalgia-cum-nausea

probably don't want to know how often and for whose records he uses this construct

he should change his name to dean and retire

Q Hi! Can you recommend please any specific greatest hits CDs by The Four Seasons, The Flamingos, or The Shondells? I know and like a few songs by each of them but don't know if any of these oldies groups are really worth buying a CD for. Thank you so much. -- Elena B., Brooklyn

A Know this, Sezzers. This person was not born Elena. He was born Joseph, and has no transsexual tendencies I'm aware of. Joseph suffers from a rare psychological disorder called greatest hits fetishism and, because I'm the only rock critic who takes the compilation seriously, is always trying to get me to answer questions like this, leaving me less and less inclined to be his enabler. He's posing as a woman here because he knows something deep about me: I wish the whole enterprise I set in motion with the Consumer Guide in 1969 wasn't so Boy. I love women. I've been learning about music from women for more than half a century and have had sexual relationships with two dynamite rock critics, the latter of whom stuck at trying and ultimately succeeding as writing dynamite fiction instead (Carola Dibbell, The Only Ones, now available in French as well as English). So far, 17 of my 45 A records this year are either by women or feature them definitively (that's Wussy and Yo La Tengo). So if any of you guys can persuade the female music lovers I hope and believe are in your lives to visit here, I'd be grateful.

xp he should definitely stop writing.

xpost wtf is his problem???

i'm not a regular reader of his but on occasion over the last few months i'd occasionally think "i wonder what dean thinks of tom petty?" or whatever, and sift through his ratings. won't do that again. what a fucking asshole

i hate this guy so much

He is the actual worst.

Periodic reminder that Robert Christgau is a tin-eared misogynist and try hard provocateur who decided to bestow a non-existent title on himself and is now very old and will probably die in a few years. Buy the champagne, but don't chill it yet.

— Paul (@mondosalvo) September 4, 2018

Is Xgau Dying?

lol @ gabbneb being the biggest christgau fanboy on ilx besides matos (who at least had careerist reasons to stick up for "the dean")

wow @ that response from xgau. bizarre and creepy for so many reasons.

Seeing him bring up Fanny in those Bangles reviews, I thought to see if he had any vintage reviews on them up, and yes he does, and how is it he comes off as slightly more enlightened (or better still, less gross) at the dawn of the '70s?

Fanny [Reprise, 1970]
Rather than getting all hot and heavy, Burbank's entry in the Ladies' Day Derby emulates the circa-1965 sound of groups like the Hollies and (says here) the Beatles. Execution is competent enough--axpersonship isn't an issue with the style. But the Hollies (forget the Beatles) always had pretty good material--better than these four women can provide, although making an AM novelty out of Cream's "Badge" is a cute idea. Also, as producer Richard Perry must know, the Hollies always had amazing arrangements. C

Charity Ball [Reprise, 1971]
Seeing this band live was a revelation--for women, playing old-fashioned tight commercial rock and roll was a challenge rather than a self-conscious historical exercise. But that's not why there's been such improvement in the studio, although the live show held a clue--drummer Alice de Buhr was the most exciting musician on stage. This record exploits her chops and presence, sinking the pop harmonies in a harder, funkier frame. The title tune is a pure raver that oughtabeahit, but almost every song has something--or several somethings--to recommend it. Which is a lot more than I'd say of the Hollies' latest. B+

Fanny Hill [Reprise, 1972]
Three albums in not much over a year is two too many, and though half the new material is catchy enough, they give themselves away by opening sides with Marvin Gaye's "Ain't That Peculiar" and the Beatles' "Hey Bulldog." Several lyrics do groundwork in important women's themes (autonomy, motherhood, like that), but not one--not even "Wonderful Feeling," a disarmingly happy-sounding breakup song--offers the kind of concentrated perception that makes a song work or the kind of "Charity Ball" hook that makes you stop wondering whether a song is working. B-

Mother's Pride [Reprise, 1973]
In which Richard Perry bows to Todd Rundgren, June Millington aims for the balls and shoots some guy through the knee, and Alice de Buhr sings (off key) (best thing here). C+

there's a lot here but I'm still stuck on bragging about a whopping 38% of one's records being by women

Q Hi! Can you recommend please any specific greatest hits CDs by The Four Seasons, The Flamingos, or The Shondells? I know and like a few songs by each of them but don't know if any of these oldies groups are really worth buying a CD for. Thank you so much. -- Elena B., Brooklyn
A Know this, Sezzers. This person was not born Elena. He was born Joseph, and has no transsexual tendencies I'm aware of. Joseph suffers from a rare psychological disorder called greatest hits fetishism and, because I'm the only rock critic who takes the compilation seriously, is always trying to get me to answer questions like this, leaving me less and less inclined to be his enabler. He's posing as a woman here because he knows something deep about me: I wish the whole enterprise I set in motion with the Consumer Guide in 1969 wasn't so Boy. I love women. I've been learning about music from women for more than half a century and have had sexual relationships with two dynamite rock critics, the latter of whom stuck at trying and ultimately succeeding as writing dynamite fiction instead (Carola Dibbell, The Only Ones, now available in French as well as English). So far, 17 of my 45 A records this year are either by women or feature them definitively (that's Wussy and Yo La Tengo). So if any of you guys can persuade the female music lovers I hope and believe are in your lives to visit here, I'd be grateful.

― Josh in Chicago,

This guy apparently stalked Christgau not long ago, enough for Xgau to report him to the cops.

wld've been cool if he'd just said that instead

there's a lot here but I'm still stuck on bragging about a whopping 38% of one's records being by women

Serious question: why has anyone ever given much of a shit about Xgau? I'd rather read what pretty much any ILXor has to say about a piece of music.

I doubt many people give much of a shit anymore. He wrote well about some of my favorite acts twenty years ago.

He was doing it before ilx tbf.xp

Was he, though?

Was he?

I was on a kick for a while, picking up old out of print record guides from used bookstores, and I was so psyched to find an old Xgau collection until I actually tried to read it.

Yes, on me they were, especially his essays (Consumer Guide not so much, but I read that too). As I got older and more confident and my tastes developed, I noticed his blind spots.

Now they're abysses. But he's also over 60.

No, sorry, he is the actual best still.

This guy apparently stalked Christgau not long ago, enough for Xgau to report him to the cops.

this is even stranger then because the standard advice for dealing with stalkers is to document everything but not respond or give them any acknowledgement of their existence/that their communication was received

I'm often hard on him but Alfred OTM, really.

yeah I dunno Xgau's relations with his fans. I'm not sure why he had to answer Joe's question.

If that guy was a real stalker then yeah, why bring it up? And if he wants more female readership, he really shouldn't think boasting about having sex with female critics while namedropping Wussy and Yo La Tengo is the way to do it. Especially given the (shocking!) skeeviness of many of his reviews.

In the pre-internet years (aka most of them), one often learned about music through people writing about it, especially stuff from outside the western speaking world or indie stuff, and Xgau was one of the few that covered that music with any consistency, almost compulsively, so he was a pretty invaluable guide even if he was a less valuable voice, per se. The '90s broke him, though. And now ... I think most critical voices have been devalued for a confluence of reasons, but for better or worse but mostly for worse he has stubbornly refused to alter his approach or attitude to adjust for deficiencies in his field.

Yeah, I guess tbf I didn't become aware of Xgau until the mid-'90s. The era of peak appreciation had probably already passed at that point.

But I guess by way of comparison I was also reading older criticism by Greil Marcus and Lester Bangs at the same time and, whatever their faults, they seemed at least way more into their subjects of inquiry. I guess I just prefer obsessive and passionate to flippant and cranky.

xgau's writing reminds me of that one review of "the incredibles 2" that came out earlier this year.

The '90s broke him, though.

"Dad, They Broke Me: The Death of Rock-Crit, 1991 – "

Was fascinated by how much he could convey in a few chopped sentences, in those days when space was a premium and skeeviness a given. A voice kinda like the best classified ads in the back of the rag. But The Dean thing? Never scholarly thing about him, not like R. Palmer or Tosches. His opinions shat on those I idolized, and rarely did I hear a thing in his rated-A records.

he is admirably & mercifully concise

hes a horrible smug wanker

i like many of christagu's capsule reviews, some pages on his website kinda chart a gradual evolution of ideas i find fascinating (i like the way his al green reviews talk to each other), i love his advocacy for r&b records even as they received less and less critical focus (he and i share a favorite record in debarge's in a special way, and his review of it rules https://www.robertchristgau.com/get_album.php?id=988), i think he's written one of the great essays about elton john, but he's always been a huge shithead about women and his style has pretty significantly curdled for me

Now it comes pre-curdled but without the probiotic benefits. Even when it doesn't make you barf it still leaves you a little queasy.

What are his abysses? His early and consistent support for all sorts of r'n'b and hip hop (and pop) at least is what was unique and valuable to me. I don't understand preferring any of the other early guys, especially in a dismissive way. In many obvious ways he was ahead of the curve imo.

i enjoy reading his stuff in the same way i enjoy reading a lot of vintage critics, it's interesting to see his takes. like in the same way it was interesting to see Ebert or Kael's takes. some of his issues with women *could* be chalked up to "it was a different time then." at least he doesn't call them bimbos anymore.

What are his abysses? His early and consistent support for all sorts of r'n'b and hip hop (and pop) at least is what was unique and valuable to me. I don't understand preferring any of the other early guys, especially in a dismissive way. In many obvious ways he was ahead of the curve imo.

― gospodin simmel

Actually, in the long run he didn't care much about contemporary R&B, and I recoil from his (and Marcus') class-based suspicion of quiet storm and what Nelson George called retronuevo.

I can still read him, though.

in the long run he didn't care much about contemporary R&B

what "contemporary" is this

R&B after 1980. Points for embracing Jazmine Sullivan, though.

i guess i'll defer to someone who knows his work way better than i do

The Songstress [Beverly Glen, 1983]
In a time when the only black people with the guts to go for the soul are Mississippi recidivists and moldy oldies, this L.A. sophisticate has the audacity to pretend she can make pop music out of the shit. The violin and woodwind touches hark back to when soul had something to sell out with, the jazzy guitar comps look forward to when it'll storm the big rooms, the funky bottom bespeaks commitment, the hooky songwriting bespeaks smarts, and the voice sings. B+

then get to the next two Baker reviews

it's true that his opinions on anita baker do suck

I always hated both the concept and execution of the "Consumer Guide", but I will admit that my understanding of his writing changed pretty much _completely_ after hearing him read a 20-minute piece aloud at PopCon the first time. I think it's possible that brevity was actually the soullessness of his wit.

I guess what I'm saying is Xgau's taste and approach is the closest among that generation to a sort of taken for granted poptimism od today? Dude did serious writing on things like philly soul and disco and early hip hop and eurodance when that wasn't done. He was also early and important for the James Brown reappraisal. Sure, he hates metal and retronuevo and isn't big on electronic music but all of that makes sense given his likes. Feels weird to take all of that for granted or dismiss it. Especially on ilx where his aesthetic is a lot more at home than Bangs or Marcus or whoever. Anxiety of influence I guess.

"poptimism of today"

Yeah. It was sort of argued about ten years ago. Now it just is. Or am I wrong about that?

I mean, poptimism was always a no brainer sort of attitude for me and that came from reading Xgau.

I could say the same thing, except the exact opposite.

fine

insert appropriate "semi-poptimism" joke here

Remembering also Greil Marcus’ introduction to the reprint of The Aesthetics of Rock where he discusses the fact that Meltzer wrote about Tommy James and the Shondells on the same ground as Jefferson Airplane or whatever his example was and that this wasn’t otherwise done at the time (possibly even by ‘60s era Christgau).

I don't know about Tommy James, buy Christgau was raving about the Box Tops in 1969 ("Each new instrument, each pause, works to build tension and qualify meaning, yet final control seems to fall not to critical intelligence but to some crazy kind of rapacious commercial instinct, an instinct that might seem pretentious if it weren't so busy being delighted with itself--Phil Spector with economy, sort of.") and was not immune to the charms of "Yummy Yummy Yummy", but maybe this was a couple of years after Meltzer?

Also Richard Goldstein may have been doing it before any of them. When reading through Goldstein's Village Voice column, I was surprised that Christgau basically replicated its structure in his subsequent Rock and Roll column, right down to the little items at the end about what was playing the radio.

"It's so reassuring when the indie rumor mill isn't just licking its own asshole."

It's pretty awesome when you can start a review with that.

insofar as an indie rumor mill exists

sounds like maybe he had subliminal crusties on his mind

Haha, I'm going to guess Wet Leg

That quote was from 2002. I just thought it was great that a print editor could see that and say "looks good to me - print it!" Alternative weeklies were awesome.

(Also it was for Spoon)

Indie rumor mill always noted for its remarkable flexibility.

Well, with assholes involved, who wouldn't be?

Were people still combing over James Agee and Otis Ferguson's reviews in the '80s and '90s? Is this an internet/social media thing?

I think it's more common with pop music, but also Xgau made it easier with his website. I think he said this in a recent interview, because he has a website (and because of the accessible nature of capsule reviews), he's frequently cited in Wikipedia, and that's drawn a lot of traffic to his reviews. It wouldn't surprise me if his older reviews get far more views than any other established critic for those reasons. (Probably helps that his site doesn't bombard you with ads and videos like some publications will.)

I think Xgau/Fantano/Scaruffi/RYM doing lots and lots and lots of things with a quantifiable ratings scale and data appeals to people in the same lite-autism-spectrum way that someone might be obsessed with train schedules or whatever

Like it's prolly no coincidence both Xgau and Scaruffi made and maintained SEARCHABLE DATABASES FOR THEIR LIFE'S OPINIONS in the early internet

Yeah seems p obvious he wants people to comb through them.

There's that Pauline Kael Geocities site, but I don't know if it's searchable, and half the time your virus protection will block it. But we argue about her anyway.

Most of 5001 Nights at the Movies is searchable on Google Books.

To be fair, I think Tom Hull was the one who approached Xgau with the idea and voluntarily did it for him. (Hull also has his own site too.)

I know what you mean though - he seems to get a lot of questions laser-focused on grades rather than the reviews themselves. Xgau has downplayed the value of grades - for examples, when asked for clarity on star ratings, he just said "they're all B+'s" and he's said if he had to, he'd regrade a lot of things over time but he doesn't think it's worth it. You can see why RS got rid of the star rating, it really does take up far too much attention than the actual content of the review.

*for example

It still ticks me off that one of CMJ's last few owners tanked the entire database of old reviews. I used to really enjoy looking those up (and not just, er, the few that I wrote).

I have a vague recollection of Q Magazine making all of their reviews available online and later Rolling Stone hosting a lot of entries from their album guide online (and updating them with every new release). In both cases, it felt like they did that for only a year or two then took it all down.

The Voice keeps a lot of stuff online, but it's not perfect: this Mötley Crüe live review (warning: opening line contains a slur that was A-OK in 2009) doesn't carry my byline, so I had to search for it by band name.

Their links change! So I made my own archive of my Voice stuff years ago (also ones for stuff from other publications, having learned the hard way that older things can get flushed). Last year, I think, couldn't find anything of mine on the Voice site, but yesterday I checked again, and it was all there: mixed feelings about that now, since I've tweaked and improved some of the olde pieces in my own archives---
xpost bird, Rolling Stone still has some ancient works in there, like Paul Nelson's celebration of the Ramones debut: https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-album-reviews/ramones-206065/
in the three collections of Consumer Guide columns, xgau mentions re-listening, and sometimes he'll give the original grade and a new grade. Also, sometimes he indicates in a review of a later album that he's changed his mind about an earlier effort, that it sounds better or worse by comparison, or that he'd already gotten tired of it.

xpost

https://c.tenor.com/HBsu7mTmizgAAAAC/bill-hader-popcorn.gif

(warning: opening line contains a slur that was A-OK in 2009)

haha ok man

haha ok man

My editor — which was either Rob H. or Maura J. at the time — let it pass without blinking. We are none of us angels.

We R none of us angels

There's that Pauline Kael Geocities site, but I don't know if it's searchable, and half the time your virus protection will block it. But we argue about her anyway.

― clemenza, Tuesday, August 23, 2022 4:56 PM (three hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

"we" = 2.5 people

neverending discussion of this jerk off here (xgau not pauline kael) is such a blight

https://giphy.com/explore/who-gives-a-shit