Let's Win the New Yorker Caption Contest

Link to official caption contest page

I have an idea, and like the best evil plans, it can be repeated on a weekly basis until victory is achieved.

Each week, we (or let's be real, probably just me, bumping the thread into silence) post the most recent New Yorker caption contest. Usually there is a period of about 8-9 days between the time it the cartoon is posted and the deadline. During that time, we post it here and gather as many suggested captions as possible. At that point, in a better world, everyone would enter their captions and eventually one of us would win. But after instigating dozens of failed schemes to take over the internet, I know that such a display of collective willpower and enthusiasm is pretty much inconceivable. Instead, then, maybe we can take each week's suggestions and put them in a 1 day poll to determine the best candidate, and then enter that caption into the contest.

Read this. Learn this. LIVE this: Slate: How To Win the New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest

Here is this week's contest, with entries due by Sunday, June 14th.
http://i42.tinypic.com/14l7ywm.jpg

"Commodities? In this economy? You're DOOMED, mice!"

"I know their clipboards are proportional, but it makes it really hard to read their notes."

Humor and victory are different matters entirely. To understand what makes the perfect caption, you must start with the readership. Paging through The New Yorker is a lonesome withdrawal, not a group activity. The reader is isolated and introspective, probably on the train commuting to work. He suffers from urban ennui. He does not make eye contact. Laughing out loud is, in this context, an unseemly act sure to draw unwanted attention. To avoid this, your caption should elicit, at best, a mild chuckle. The first filter for your caption should be: Is it too funny? Will it make anyone laugh out loud? If so, throw it out and work on a less funny one.

"How cute, they're imitating us."
"How cute, they're imitating us."

Mice: "Let's grow massive ears on their backs, and see how they like it"

heh, this is a good idea. with the above in mind:

"PETA be damned, Jenkins; I'm drawing the line at the water cooler."

"I think it's meant to be the one on the right's retirement party."

"Once they can write their own grant applications, _then_ you've got something."

"Let's see how they react when the funding dries up."

yeah, i think the winner's got to be about grants or funding or some such dumb shit.

that's what good new yorker readers like to hear about. money woes.

I keep trying to think of a way the scientists can make a comment about how depressing and mundane life is for the mice, but it keeps coming across as a comment about science in general, which isn't the point. I wish you could caption a whole paragraph and have hints that the (human) scientists' marriages are on the rocks, etc.

"I'm afraid splicing in our own DNA may not be yielding the best results."

Holy shit, the caption bank of attempted winners for past cartoons is a goldmine!

http://www.newyorker.com/images/2009/05/11/p323/090511_contest_p323.jpg

* What I really want to do is direct.
* "All of the really good drugs already had a star before I made it."
* And that's how I knew he was a politician.
* That is when I ran back to get my purse and ...my gun.
* "I can't imagine why you asked me if I ever worked for FOX News."
* "Loved the sequel. Loved the prequel. Hated the movie."
* Decided to throw my hat out of the ring...
* When you said you lived in a studio, I had no idea!
* My research synthesizes the seemingly disparate studies of quantum physics and biofuel production.
* I just want to add, I love the bars on the inside of the windows. It gives it more of a prison feel.
* And the ledge was only this wide.
* We're on commercial break. Now, we can just pretend to talk.
* And when they let me out, I'm gonna work for world peace.
* Thanks so much for appearing on my reality show!
* Twitter, twitter, twitter. Text , text. e-mail, blog, blog, blog, blog.
* "OMG! U are so much cuter in person...and funnier too! LOL..."
* " I think it's spelled C-A-T. Why do you ask? "
* You want me to do what???
* You know, I typically turn the show off after the monologue
* "Can I still say that I'm f---ing glad to be here ?"
* "Nobody can chew up that scenery. Hey, did I miss Pacino in the green room"?
* "Now, I'll be able to watch myself get interviewed at 10:00 and at 11:30!"
* What do you mean "put out" if I want to "Get out"?
* And then I went to Oxford on a Rhodes scholarship
* It was when I was working as a lap dancer to pay the tuition at MIT that my formula proving the Big Bang theory just popped up out of nowhere!
* You know your green room is lined with newspaper, right?
* "In keeping with our public transparency, your viewers should know I've changed the locks and my attorney is in the green room."
* I so old that I remember when going on the Tonight Show meant something.
* Seriously, Jack? You asked me to wear this dress so you could pretend to be a late night host? This is your idea of a conjugal visit?
* I never thought a tall long legged blonde from Los Angeles, whose father was a TV producer, make it in Hollywood.
* And when they told me YOU would be interviewing me, I readily agreed to tell everything.....even the details of our clandestine affair in detail.... knowing this was your dream...... the ultimate reality show!!
* I just love what you've done to the living room!
* Okay, so I'm not really a blonde. Now, I suppose your going to ask me if I think marriage is between a man and a woman.
* Vice-president Clinton? Er, I'd say she's dling a fine job.
* In my profession I never get laid off.
* "Then I suddenly realized that the media imprisons us all"
* Enough about me, what do you think about me?
* Thank for having me on! What an honor to be the last uninterviewed person in America.
* I have a new book coming out soon called, "100 Ways To Stay Beautiful Even During Bad Economical Times!" Its phenomenon and easy! A hooker could do it.
* I have found this prison delightful. The men are very cute and Entertainment Tonight comes on an hour earlier than at home.
* Well, Jay, this book tour for my autobiography is to protest the unwarranted intrusion of the media into my private life.
* "So, I just says to myself, 'He was a man, take him for all in all, I shall not look upon his like again.'"
* Leno, Letterman, Conan,Kimmel, Fallon, Ferguson...I can't talk about this crappy movie anymore...and who the hell are YOU?
* Well, honestly, the only thing that worries me about heading the Republican ticket in 013 is that I may be, you know, too much of a thinker.
* Well, my hair color comes from native, organic southwestern desert plants, my dress is 100% bamboo, and my shoes are from free range alligators that died of old age.
* But Barbara thought my hair was too big for "The View"
* I had no idea that this white collar prison had its own talk show, Bernie!
* It's like that Romeo and Juliet movie, but set during the Elizabethan era.
* I don't want to give too much away, but in my next film I play Spock's fetus.
* Why yes, of course, I have a complete grasp of the down turn in the world economy. And, I am not telling you.
* I know how we could raise your ratings way up!
* It was this long, really.
* "the audience must know too many window washers have fallen thru gawking and the bars are necessary to protect me"
* ...and then I met your producer; what a lovely man...and now I'm here!
* Well, I did some quick calculations and it turns out I get as much publicity for two years in jail as I would for the lifetime that comes with that whole baby thing.
* Who needs a problem, whan you can have a crisis?
* ... and that's just the confidential part ...
* "It's a period piece where I play a call girl who runs a Ponzi scheme on the side."
* Yes, it's true - I want to have Nouriel Roubini's love child.
* My husband thinks that I am at the beauty shop, but he never watches your show Mr. Leno!
* I can't wait to get into the city to do a little shopping.
* "It was crazy, it was insane! I don,t even know what to do with myself?" "How does that make you feel?"
* Are you kidding? How could I ever, ever, ever get tired of talking about ME???
* so i said you need to lowa the interest rate and flow in $700 billion dollas and and they said, "you ah wondahful - problahm solved!"
* It's a good look, but will it really keep the swine out?
* "Bernie and I are loving it here."
* "I know! A solvent bank! You don't have the name of a solvent bank back there, do you?"
* "I have security issues, so..."
* "That's right! I'm against gay marriage, and I'm against any efforts to move the capital of California to a city other than Los Angeles, and I'm against everything else! Wow, this bra is tight; I can hardly breathe!"
* Just because I didn't tell the truth on Oprah doesn't mean I am NOT telling the truth now.
* "In our last love making scene, Jack and I finished what we started but they cut it out of the picture."
* Your 6 inch spacing on the window treatment shows a certain restraint
* 1)No Tim, MY Ponzi scheme is a totally DIFFERENT kind of Ponzi scheme. 2)Oh, and I have a blog everybody!...Wait, I forgot what my publicist told me what my blog was called.
* Regressing to infantile phantasies while remaining oblivious to my attractiveness and its power over others works best for me.
* I never knew that off-Broadway prison talk shows even existed!
* "So he pulls out this humongous 'Can I say Wang on this show?'"
* "In this last movie I had two fully frontal nude scenes. It was easy. Here, let me show you."
* In addition to throat warbling, I can play "Chopsticks" on the piano.
* My cheating boyfriend is in prison, Jerry. You can't bring him here.
* "Love what you've done with the window treatments!"
* sure it hurt, but I've always wanted to be on a reality show, so when they said eat it, I just dug right in.
* "Just great here in L.A. How are you in New York?"
* So please tell us how you make the Matzoh Ball soup.
* My book sales soared the last time I exposed my thighs on your show.
* "I'm so honored to be your first guest here on Rehab-TV".
* "Yeah,I'm really a very private person, and like I told Jay, Dave,Phil, Bill, and Oprah, I hate gossip!"
* "In order to prepare for the role, I had my posse treat me like I was average."
* Thanks Larry. I've always wanted to be on, "Late Night in Leavenworth."
* It's, like, so sweet you fixed up the set to look just like my room at rehab.
* I REALIZE THIS IS AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW, BUT DO YOU NEED THE BARS?
* Could you ask that in the form of a tweet?
* "I've worked security bars."
* "Hi-Yo!" is cool again.
* To be honest, I never thought I'd be invited back.
* Thanks Jack. I've always wanted to be on, "Today in San Quentin."
* "I just love your new set. It's so 'prisony'."
* Enough about me, what did you think of my performance?
* "I'm greater than a star, I'm a constellatiom."
* So before these were on here, did you have escaping guests er something?! Heh heh... heh. Your not laughing.....
* This is my first job interview for a talk show guest position.
* Spa treatments, hair salon, gym, tanning salon, photo sessions ...life can be hell.
* Let's talk about you. Have you seen my new movie?
* It's not really sex, it's just porn!
* New York is the city so nice they caged it in twice.
* LET'S START IT OFF WITH A BRIEF REVIEW OF YOUR LOCAL MIDLIFE CRISIS. WE'LL THEN DISCUSS THE GLOBAL FINANCIAL CRISIS.
* This is fancy role-playing for a conjugate visit!
* "I just love what you have done with your new studio...How long is my segement?"
* Better safe than sorry!
* . . . and I just love your celebrity prison decor.
* I see the FOX News studio has prepared for the Democratic onslaught!
* We like, opened the box and saw the bomb and I like, remembered, "cut the red and we're all dead or cut the white and we're alright" and like, here we are today.
* "Profuse and free flowing, are you referring to my hair or my speech?"
* I don't know why, but I allways feel safe on your show!
* It just makes me break out in a smile, it does, it really does, to wake up every morning and discover I'm alive in a world so full of peace, love and understanding!
* "So how do you like it here at Club Fed?"
* "Well, of course I'm an environmentalist, silly! My new plane's big enough to carry my Prius!"
* Hey, Blah is my first language too
* "With a body like that, no wonder we're in a recession."
* "Are the bars on the windows to keep you or your guests from jumping?"
* "And my first vaginal orgasm was at age 9 blah, blah, blah...."
* Yeah, I'm in for twenty but looking at least 18...
* "Wow! Ask me another question. You're the best blind date I've ever had."
* "Do those cameras make me look fat?"
* For letting us put on this show, we need to thank our Asylum
* So I said to myself, "You're miserable, Wanda - go ahead an kill 'em!"
* This is the toughest JOB interview I’ve ever had!
* Why does your apartment look like a TV studio?
* "I knew Johnny Carson and you're no Johnny Carson." "Maybe, but I know Bette Midler and believe me you're no Bette Midler."
* "Hey, I hear ya -- whenever Spiderman is fighting his dark side, I feel a little insecure too."
* I'm so excited. Rush Limbaugh just endorsed me.
* Shall we talk about my new movie or our sordid personal lives?
* MY NAME IS JOE THE PLUMBER
* "My book is all about revenge, remorse, redemption, and royalties."
* I'm on Face Book and Twitter - now TV - How quaint !
* It's a reality show about my fantasies!
* "Watch me land on my feet."
* I didn't have enough capital either, so my boy friend bailed me out.
* Since I've been locked up in here, my embonpoint has given way to svelte .
* "Goodness, I'm on my fifth marriage, we don't bother with vows anymore."
* It was my parole board's idea . . !
* So how many NYSE personel made a quick exit before before you put up the bars?
* Omg Jay, It was so great of you to start doing your 10pm show from LA COUNTY JAIL, when are you going to have my cell mate Lindsay on?
* I'm pro choice and I can't see Russia from here
* Pardon the cliche, but it really is a zoo out there.
* ... and I´m a big supporter of world piece!
* "WAS YOUR LAST GUEST A CLIENT OF BERNIE MADOFF'S?"
* "Goodness, I think same sex marriages are so depressing -- I mean, the same old thing year after year"
* So this is the same set that Jerry Springer uses during the day?
* The biggest difference, Bob, is that y'all are so much richer in the city. Why, po' folks back in my holler could never afford sich fancy bars on their windows.
* Then I gave him a big hug and said 'You're the best correctional officer ever!'
* I love these Martha Stuart window treatments!
* No, that's the size of the trout I caught on our honeymoon!"
* Because I'm famous, people call me eccentric. But I'm crazy -- crazy as a loon!
* Can we take a commercial break, Honey? I have to check on the roast.
* And then I said, "I want to trade YOUR MOM's derivatives!"
* I didn't think he had what it took, so I took what he had.
* And then I dismembered the body! Steve, I've never felt more free.
* Thanks for having me on to talk about our Window Washer Crime Prevention campaign.
* Gosh I didn't know the people on this show were real.
* Are you going to edit out all the smart things and keep the dumb ones?
* So that's how I learned I could fit an entire watermelon inside of me!
* So, I said to him, "I'm thinking, so I must be me."
* "If I didn't have a brain, I'd still be here!"
* "Forget that I used to be Wolf Blitzer, when I lost the beard and went blonde, Fox tripled my salary!
* On the other hand, if I abstain from abstinence, I'm supporting it and can still have fun at the same time.
* After Harvard Business School the really tough choice was Go to Wall Street or Become a famous Bimbo?
* "Officer, I appreciate the format, but I still want my lawyer."
* "Interviews on the inside retrain us for acting careers on the outside."
* "And now for the giant monkey who loves to escape."
* And then HE said " We don't torture" and I said " Like, I don't believe you."
* "And then I said, 'Well Mr. President...that's what she said.'"
* "Phil! Hey buddy! Lake Placid is a city, not a personality!"
* "Oh, and did I mention the swine flu?"
* "And thanks for making me feel right at home after my 4th DUI."
* I love your new set - sorta Martha Stewart Minimal Security!
* I hope you don't mind me bringing my own cameras—I'm doing a reality show about our relationship.
* I must say, Conan is funnier than you.
* OK, since you promise this is just between you and I, I am the starlet who had an affair with the Governor.
* And after a few drinks this guy in the bar just turned to me and asked "How would you like to be the Chief Financial Officer of one of the largest banks in the country?"
* Sure, I have a new movie coming out this week. But, I'd rather talk about my addictions, arrests and dysfunctional relationships.
* Don't you just love these intimate chats?
* "Is it my old nose?"
* Now that we are outside the odd shaped box, it really looks like a zoo in there.
* Our divorce was on hold so I could do "Desperate Housewives," and now we're on "Trading Spouses" and about to shoot "Nanny 911."
* Can one be animated and (italics) animated? As you can see, I (italics) am.
* “Hand me the microphone and I’ll explain how you, too, can have hair like this.”
* Is your audience captive too?
* Sometimes I think you're the only one in this town who is not threatened by an intelligent woman.
* I just love being here....is it The Late Evenig, or The Early Late Night, or The Late, late Night Show?
* Yes, I can stay around after the break.
* I'm telling you, I have never seen so many silicone boobies in one place.
* Please, Ms. Colter, take a moment to breathe between sentences...
* "I woke up this morning, walked to the kitchen and made a pot of coffee!"
* "These legs were made for talking."
* no this isn't MY evening gown i tied up a pedestrian on the way to your studio and robbed her blind.
* Look at me for example: I no longer have a desk.
* "What have I been doing? Well, yesterday I auditioned to replace you. You knew about that, right?"
* "Eventually I want to direct and produce films and resurrect my body after I die."
* No, this little sweetie is very tame and friendly.
* It's a remake of Anna Karenina, but instead of throwing herself in front of a train she gets her life together.
* You see, my pseudocelebrity status needs late night talk show exposure to gain credibility
* It's so much more fun being Arlene than Arnold.
* I love what you've done with your apartment.
* "I just remember thinking to myself, what would Angelina do?"
* So I said, 'Is it existential angst or is it magic?'
* "And for how long did you broadcast from San Quentin ? "
* You see, it's a lot softer than those other brands.
* Wait! Does High Definition Television mean people at home are seeing me naked?
* Where's the teleprompter?
* So its to bad you will have to cancel your trip to England
* So the doctor misheard me and put these breast implants under my chin. What I said was 'I want boobs up to here'
* I'm actually here to promote an appearance on a talk show with a better time slot.
* "...yes, it's nice to be here. And about last night, I wouldn't worry if I were you. It often happens to men who keep stressful jobs".
* I'm so excited to be here. Changing from a woman to a man and back to a woman was the only way I figured I'd ever get on your show.
* You said that you were interviewing celebrities, not criminals.
* I passed the governments stress test so you can ask me any question you want!
* So then the little boys says, 'Rats. Big, effing rats with dicks this long.'
* "What a silly question. Of course I can type."
* I have no idea what this clip is we are about to see, but I'll tell you about it anyway ...
* So I told my agent that I wouldn't do the reality show unless they gave me more lines.
* I just love your new ground-floor studio!
* Late night with Jimmy Felon.
* Ever since his recent head injury, Warden Westfall has been going for a more Hollywood-vibe when it comes time for the prisoners conjugal visit interviews.
* I'd heard of minimum security jails, but one with its own talk show? I thought 'Amazing, I can off my boyfriend and not have it ruin career!'
* Has this approach worked for you in the past?
* A few years ago, my friend said "There's nothing you can do about the attention of your fans, you've just got to get used to being bothered." But, ever since I started waving my arms around all the time, people leave me alone.
* Yes, my new movie is titled "The Stimulus Package." I play a hoojer.
* ...and then I adopted a child from Africa, and then I gave birth to eight babies, and then I got a million followers on Twitter, and then I got my own reality show, and then I won on "Dancing with the Stars"...
* Okay, if you don't have cue cards, can I at least have a caption?
* Archival Cartoon, Stardate 2009, Earth: Note the female of the species is relegated to the chair and not the late night interviewer's desk in all 109,768,942 hours of late-night television we have discovered on the remains of the planet thus far.
* "They said, 'Get thee to a nunnery,' and I said, 'Let them eat cake.'"
* "Is your next guest an escape artist?"
* Thank you for making me feel right at home after my recent incarceration.
* Now Jim, I don't want you to repeat this to anyone!
* "It's a real cute scene. I leap into the ring as the Masked Amazon, tag the Vampire Valkyrie, jump on the Bandit Beeyach and pull her hair. Then she's tagged by Warrior Woman, and it's off to the races."
* "My PhD in tribal art didn't really pay off until I made the winning feather boa on Survivor: Key West."
* Do you ever feel becoming a celebrity has turned you into a prisoner?
* I have to admit, David, my role in the remake of King Kong really freaked me out.
* "Are the bars to keep us in or keep them out"
* um, well, it was, like, um, really amazing, really, heh heh
* Did I hear you say (no one is listening?)
* I've always wanted to meet someone like you.
* Yes! Yes! and Yes!
* Will anything I say be held against me?
* "And to think, I haven't been here for two husbands!"
* "So then, does it bother you that you're broadcasting from the plains of West Texas?"
* I guess, then, Governor, you would consider her a toxic asset?
* This? Oh, thank you, it's my "Michelle Look".
* "Golly, George. You can't believe how good it is to meet someone else with no chin"
* "Sometimes I do feel like a prisoner of my own success."
* Oh .. Why thank you so much! ya' know, That impression of the Governor is one of my favorites.
* "Ball and Chain" curtains send it out of the park.
* No, this is the play based on the SEQUEL to the remake of the original movie.
* "That's a great question. Hold on a second while I tweet it to my subscribers."
* Oh, no. I'm just waiting for my investment banker.
* Funny enough, I always wanted to be a janitor
* "No, it's actually a new thing dreamed up by Maurice, my stylist. He calls it, 'A poodle in flight.'
* I didn't know Armani made an orange sportscoat.
* My friend Martha says you're quite the host!
* "My manager didn't want me to do 'Good Morning Bellvue', but I told him I'd be nuts not to do it."
* Now I know what it's like to always look out at the world.
* Let me guess--the guy who installed the bars was dyslexic?
* SO, HAVE YOU TOLD YOUR WIFE YOU'RE PLANNING TO LEAVE HER FOR ME?
* And that's how John Edwards and I met.
* Ever feel like you're being watched?
* "I just ADORE your grillwork. It reminds me of my days in rehab."
* After eating the porridge that was JUST RIGHT, he found me asleep on the bed that was JUST RIGHT; I didn't know he was married til the cubs woke us
* So..... I liked Dallas so well, they started calling me Debbie!
* Well thank _you_ for inviting me to the the Late Nite Post-Apocalypse show!
* Latest "it" girl? Oh no, I'm just an audience member who got lost coming back from the bathroom.
* Reverse mortgages may not seem like much, but I look forward to being 62.
* But, hatemongering isn't ever going out of style, Mike.
* Late Night with Bernie Madoff
* "I tink I woulda got better roles if I weren't so tall."
* "Who's to say what's method and what's madness?"
* If it weren't for the bars on the windows, you'd never guess this was a detention center, would you?
* So how did you convince the warden to let you host a talk show from your cell?
* " ... and Detroit has given us such wonderful tax credits to film here."
* "No, no, not windows! Its cakes I love to jump out of!"
* and so I said,"Take a little more from the chin", and that's what got me here today
* And when I get out Jerry, I hope to intern on the Martha Stewart Show.
* "In what sport in college did you letter, David?"
* "Gee, I thought I'd seen all the bars in New York!"
* "Certainly not, no oral sex with a goat unless it's esential to the integrity of the script."
* "I play the young, pre-political Eleanor Roosevelt."
* Bernie I so glad you are back in Business.
* "Well Bob, starring in The Real Housewives of San Quentin has really shortened my sentence".
* “I just love these prison interviews!”
* "Business has been ok, but it hasn't been quite the same since Governor Spitzer stopped calling".
* I'm just thrilled to be here, Dr. Bob. Your celebrity rehab program is the best!"
* Well I thought a reality show to pick the next Supreme Court Justice was crazy too, but here I am!
* I understand that for years your guests tended to jump out a window.
* "...what I'm really looking for is a break out role".
* So I told my agent: "I don't care what he did to those poor people"...Get me on his show!
* "So, you see, your face isn't the only thing that can get stuck that way."
* "And then I said, 'Do you see those monkeys in their cage?' "
* "No way dude, I never passed 8th grade, but I recently wrote a book and it's out next week!"
* "In my next reality show, I'm going to have people compete to get on other reality shows."
* I just love your set. Is your designer Martha Stewart?
* Really? Four break-ins just last month?
* I'm, like, so totally suited for Shakespeare, but, you know, porno, like, pays the bills.
* I'm ecstatic about this new asylum talk show! But you really should take the bars off the windows.
* ... and that's all I know about sub-prime derivatives.
* "My agent told me it would be like reality TV, but with fewer lines to memorize."
* ok ok but the real question is do you want to go to dinner later
* Johnny, it's about time that I sat behind the desk.
* Dontcha just LOVE being in a stupid cartoon drawing?
* Actually, my vocation is being a model and my avocation is being a bigot!
* "...and reporting from a secure location, an exclusive interview with Governor Palin about her bid for the Presidency."
* I'd just like to thank you Governor, and the Warden for having me on your show!
* Let me just say you've done wonders under house arrest!
* This little guy downstairs at the deli keeps asking me, "Will it float?"
* "We were lifelong best friends until I found this opportunity to exploit her misery for profit."
* First, I'd like to dispel the rumor that it's easy on the inside.
* Live!! From Hollywood Rehab...
* Can I park my gum on your desk?
* "Why don't you tell everybody the story of the time you tried to escape from the show."
* Honestly, to all the Girls, we don't have to give up because of a silly little thing like Quarantine.
* Let's eat in the dining room tonight.
* Yes, Bob, the economic downturn has forced me to sell my summer home in Marseilles. It's truly a global crisis.
* (applause) Live from Flint, it's the Tonight Show with Justin Time!!
* Yes, Swine Flu is the beginning of the coming storm against gay marriage.
* "I dreamed the dream..."
* I tell you 12 kids just isn't enough, after screwing up the first few it just gets easier and easier.
* We roll in 5 seconds
* "Your new barred windows give the decor in here such a realistic, homey feel!"
* "It's, like, an amazing 3D extravaganza with something for everyone: a glamorous wedding, a sassy superhero, lots of heart---oh, and this, like, adorable, mischevious puppy who knows how to Twitter!"
* "So Paris, What do think of the Swine Flu?" "Oh!, I never eat pork."
* Are the window bars to keep me on the set or keep my ex off?
* Thank God she's not wearing underwear.
* Let's do a quickie during the commercial.
* Well enough about you, let's talk about me.
* "Being in prison has done more for my career that any movie I ever made!"
* I promise there all natural.
* I know you have a reputation as a tough interviewer but what's the worst that can happen, I asked myself.
* O K my tubes have been tied. When do we start that blue movie?
* I've got a really fresh, new face to offer the Supreme Court.
* And I think you should be able to eat turkey-yaki if you want to.
* So, was the affair worth the effort?
* “Stage, screen and TV gigs were merely stepping stones to fulfilling my dream of appearing in a caption contest cartoon.”
* I feel SO safe, even if pigs can fly!
* And then I realized, "I can wear a unitard on late-night television. I'm famous. I can do whatever I want."
* "ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME!"
* "Let me see if I can set this clip up. I'm in a bikini and being chased through the woods by a homicidal maniac..."
* Honestly, I enjoy talking about myself more than anything.
* "It's so cool being on your show, and I just loved the 'Your place or mine' on the invitation!"
* "Absolutely! Adult themes, adult language - in fact, it's an adult movie."
* No, I've never played a part where I didn't draw on my feelings of self-importance or self-worth. After all it is called LEADING lady.
* I’m so excited to actually be on the Bernie Madoff show.
* Last time I was on your show I was considered a bitch, now I’m someone else’s bitch.
* "And he's really hot. Yes, it's true - I'm starting a Michelle Obama perfume line. In the scene we'll see, I'm playing Mother Theresa when she has to decide between the convent and Brad Pitt. Can I uncross my legs now, my foot has fallen asleep?"
* "So, staff turnover is nil? Bravo!"
* Oh please don't grab the shackles, I won't run!
* then Monica said to me " ......and it ened up just being cake batter!" and we both laugh untill we fell over.
* "I don't know from TMI."
* I crossed my legs so you can't look up my dress, Mr. Late-Night-Show-Peeping-Tom.
* I love the bigness of starhood
* "And then my partial would fly out of my mouth whenever I said #&%!"
* Oh, Ted, it's not so much a starring role as it is a colossal exercise in self-delusion.
* That fleeting expletive was this big!
* I'm hoping it will be a breakout role for me.
* "Allow me to share another secret with you"
* Hey, congratulations, Jack, it really looks as if you're a prisoner of your own success.
* Despite my ardent post-structuralist feminist views, I view gender in the terms of Freudian and Lacanian psychoanalysis, as part of the deconstruction of existing relations of power, and as a great way to get men to buy me pretty things.
* "Blah,blah, blah, blah, blah,blah....."
* We'll have to Twitter this or nobody's going to know.
* Well it was simple, David, i just did 'spirit fingers' and i won "britain's got talent"
* Leno vs. Law and Order . . . now that's a smackdown that I'm dying to see!!!
* THEY DIDNT REALLY MEAN THAT THEY WANTED YOUR HEAD ON A PLATTER.
* The economy?...so basically...I'm like...y'know...like...yeah, whatever!...
* I feel so secure on a set with two cameras.
* I've been so worried about the swine flu that I'm not returning Kevin Bacon's calls
* "How many of me does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
* I love a captive audience!
* I beat people from here to China when I won the New Yorker's Cartoon Caption Contest!
* "When I was convicted I never thought I would be on a talk show again."
* And this is how far apart your hands should be if you want to demoralize a man.
* Everyone in this audience knows that I used to be your son.
* "So I said to my agent ... sure, I'd love to be on 'Good Morning Rikers Island.'"
* I didn't even know that New York had a "Green Zone."
* I was held prisoner in this filthy jail and subjected to such indignities I simply can't describe so don't ask. Now you want me to show you the scars. When do you want to start?
* " Of course ! Women lie about their age....I have been doing that for the last 30 years !...since I was fifteen !"
* "I am thinking of calling the book "Single Moms, You Can Have It All With The Right Nanny."
* Oh yes! I really can fly!
* “Did my agent tell you that I was no longer taking medication?”
* " Oh Yes, Absolutely !I'm so glad you asked me that ! I couldn't agree more !! Uh, Uh ...What was the question again /"
* "These fake window bars give me a wonderful false sense of security. I must have your set designer's name."
* yes,yes it is true .i have slept with only one man.
* Now that I'm rich and famous, I plan on adopting 10 poor children from a third world country.
* Will I get to watch this live tomorrow?
* I would say that the majority of my clients were bigshots.
* Jackie Rabbit talks about her twin sister's fame and beauty on the Tonight Show.
* I still hope to find one this big.
* ....and that's why I feel strongly that gravity is a property of spacetime, not a force.
* I don't think the network is going to let you go!
* I'm sorry. I can't conjugate conjugal.
* And then "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" I said. "You mean to tell me I was dating THAT Drew?"
* "As we'll see, Inmate 34A7591 has done some amazing work with throw pillows."
* It's going to be SO hard to decide who gets the final rose! I've developed feelings for both Bernie and OJ!
* ...and you'll never guess what Ahmadinejad was wearing.
* "Mr. Madoff: 3 square meals a day, conjugal visits, and you still get to keep your penthouse....Who needs a Ponzi scheme?"
* No silly, its simply the ordinary operation of two coactive perceptual nerves...but, let me get back to your question about Planck's Constant.
* "Did you know I'm staying in Martha Stewart's old cell. You should see what she did with the place."
* Even the bars on the windows couldn't stop them from jumping...to conclusions.
* Until now, I never thought I would be anything but part of a captive audience.
* What do ya mean? I've never had to answer a serious question before.
* Well, giving a lap dance is very much like pleasing a lobbiest.
* I won't tell you how I got rid of her body. Everyone will be able to read that in detail when my book comes out.
* I can't believe you're letting me talk, not cutting me off because you want to talk.
* I thought this was supposed to be a talk show. Are you just going to sit there and look at my legs?
* ... and all I could think about while I was having sex with the Senator was what to title my book and which dress I would wear on your show.
* "The way I see it, a dumb blonde is not an oxymoron anyway."
* Cheeeeese!!!
* "I figure after the film, the scandal, my book about the scandal, the prison sentence, and my book about the prison sentence, then I'll slow down a bit."
* "Oprah's better but I guess you'll do."
* Since you ask, I always cross my legs in case I forgot my panties
* Sexual harrassment just seems way more relevant, then, like, saving the rainforest.
* My new film is a movie----based on a comic book --- if you can believe that!
* Well Jay, My gal pals Lindsay, Britt & I went to Cancun last weekend. They made me kiss a pig. The Swine Flu is HOT!
* I have an idea. When we get back from the break let's talk more about me.
* Honey, we really don't want you to break in. It's a women only prison.
* "I'm definitely for healthcare reform, especially when it brings down the cost of plastic surgery and implants."
* I know why the caged bird sings!
* "Is that background real?"
* Living in the city makes me feel as free as a bird!
* "It's not so much that I'm anti-gay as it is that I'm pro-somber."
* "My next project is a baby from Malawi."
* No offense to anybody out there, but I think that I believe that a conjugal visit should be between a man and a woman.
* And then he said, "That was no woman, that was my wife!"
* "You have five years left to serve on your prison sentence. How will you occupy your time if ratings drop and your show is canceled?"
* "Putting solar panels on everything not just save energy, but also save lives."
* " The bailout? Oh, yeh, that's what my ex-husband did when he caught me in bed with his best friend."
* If you help pay for the surgery I could be the next Miss California.
* So I says to him I says: Mr. Vice President, you sneezed and now the whole cabin is talking like blithering idiots!
* .....and the third time was the charm for rehab!
* Gordon and I don't like whats happening in the news, so we create our own.
* I'd stay longer, but I'm pretty sure that fifteen minutes of fame thing will apply to me.
* "I'd be more relevant if I was blonder."
* Are you giving away free chicken, like they did on Oprah?
* So correct me if I am wrong, the bars are to keep the investment bankers in?
* And then Marge Simpson said to me, "You know, honey, I really don't care if it lasts longer than four hours."
* And then it hit me. . . . I could be a celebrity too.
* I tell them to hold their signs like this, so all the words can be read. You only have a few seconds to catch the readers attention and let them decide on if it's change or a bill.
* I'm ready for my Exam, Doctor.
* The Pettigrew's dinner conversation became so much more engaging once they sold the dining room table and brought in the fake tv cameras.
* Day 3 of the new politically correct torture. Do they normally talk this much?
* Who! The "Tonight Show" from prison, I yes just love it.
* So, I love the new look, it's so big house-y.
* "Yes, it is true Mr. Hannaty, I did major in Intelligent Design in college!"
* Actually, the second law of thermodynamics is that the entropy of an isolated system which is not in equilibrium will tend to increase over time, approaching a maximum value at equilibrium.
* . . . and that's when I figured out that the key to the Unified Theory of Physics is derived from General Entropy Law and Wave Dissipation Phenomenon.
* "And that's why they call it soup!"
* And to all the little people at home, I just want to say I'm so glad I'm not you.
* "Your apartment is really weird."
* "Let me tell you....my last first date with a guy I met on craigslist was even more weird than this..."
* Oh of course! Don't worry about it! I'd love to share the details of my divorce with everyone.
* You keep asking me dumb questions.
* So you see, Glenn Beck, I felt it was my patriotic duty to either have a love child with John Edwards or risk the Democrats winning the election.
* If no one laughs, do I get waterboarded?
* and the worst part is, I've never been kissed
* God forbid that the photographs would try to break in.
* “Yes, my doctoral thesis is in quantum theory and its application to quasi stellar systems.”
* "This is my first gig in Sing-Sing."
* ...and in the last scene, my dress is all shredded and I'm banging on the doors and windows screaming, "Help, help, lemme outta here!" But, there's no way out!
* "It's less stressful working in Hollywood these days knowing that if your career bombs there's always 'Dancing with the Stars.'"
* I call the exhibit “Cities and Canes”.
* " I can see Cuba from my jacuzzi "
* As minimum security prisons go, this one isn't bad.
* .....and I'm not wearing any panties......
* You can stop me if you've heard this before.
* Are we still couch-casting, or is this the show?
* "So the bars on the windows are to keep you from jumping during the economic report of the news cast?"
* And then I tweeted on Facebook, and here I am."
* At the next commercial we make a break for it.
* "And just then, I was given this pretty pink slip and an opportunity for a very long unpaid vacation. Isn't that wonderful?"
* Ray, I've found that the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. No wonder they're too busy to call.
* So, I guess there is no escaping this interview right?
* "Thanks for asking. I really have gotten over Madoff."
* Every obese American should get their own nutritionists and personal chef!
* So, ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies.
* "Late Night" at the Penitentiary.
* "And God's greatest gifts are life, religion and HDTV."
* I´m in for First Degree Manslaughter, which coincidentally is the name of my new movie...
* It is so great to finally meet someone who fantasizes about been a late night talk show host too.
* But enough about you.
* Do you think you'll move to primetime too?
* Its so great that San Quentin allows talk shows now!
* Susan Boyle and I go way back.
* And I said NO!
* No I don't have a book, a movie or a play. I thought this was the unemployment agency.
* You know Ed, 50 is the new 30; and with a little luck and a lot of botox, in twenty years, 70 will be the new 40!
* "Yes, a reality show about imaginary people in a make believe place!"
* "My publicist said I really should add a few more words to his obituary. OK, I said. Put in, 'For sale, Porsche -- some body work needed.'"
* I got the idea from Cosmo Kramer.
* "First I have to say thank you, after spending the past five years behind bars for stock fraud you've made me feel so at home!"
* I want to thank you and the network for the security since it's been confirmed I'm pregant with 9 babies.
* "Rick, I just can't tell you how indicted I am to be here."
* "You know, Carl, I feel so comfortable on your show -- I know I can get hysterical, without fear that I'll fling myself out a window!"
* I don't know if you knew this, but I'm stupid.
* I think this could be a break-out moment for both of us!

and that's only a small sample!

http://www.newyorker.com/images/2009/05/11/p323/090511_contest_p323.jpg
* And when they told me YOU would be interviewing me, I readily agreed to tell everything.....even the details of our clandestine affair in detail.... knowing this was your dream...... the ultimate reality show!!
* And then Marge Simpson said to me, "You know, honey, I really don't care if it lasts longer than four hours."
* After Harvard Business School the really tough choice was Go to Wall Street or Become a famous Bimbo?
* Yes, my new movie is titled "The Stimulus Package." I play a hoojer.

Hmmm...maybe if we recycle old caption entries for the new contest...

http://i42.tinypic.com/14l7ywm.jpg

"I love a captive audience!"
"That's right! I'm against gay marriage, and I'm against any efforts to move the capital of California to a city other than Los Angeles, and I'm against everything else! Wow, this bra is tight; I can hardly breathe!"
"It's a reality show about my fantasies!"

http://www.barrylutz.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/deerscientists.gif

"...gnnph, gnnph, gnnph, gnnph, gnnph..."

get that guy a website already

har har har har har

;)

OK back to serious entries.

Haw I had this same thread idea but didn't start it; I'm not so much into "serious" entries though.

As soon as I posted "back to serious entries" I felt like a giant tool, and then as I went back to throw a winky guy into the mix my internet connection died out.

So, belatedly,

;)

"What I don't understand is why they're speaking German."

"What troubles me is that they're speaking German."

"Apparently, they think we're some sort of gods."

Wow. That note about the "not the funniest one" was really OTM - I just looked at the previous 25 contests' top results :-/
(exception: the first two of this one were LOLworthy: http://contest.newyorker.com/CaptionContest.aspx?id=189 )

Christ, what an asshole.

"What arouses me is that they're speaking German."

Any more entries? I figure we'll collect them until Thursday night, and then have a quick 2 day poll on Friday and Saturday to select the winner, and then I'll submit it on the Sunday deadline.

http://i42.tinypic.com/14l7ywm.jpg

"If you didn't spend all your time watching mice, I wouldn't have to be fucking your wife."

"This seems to answer the nature vs. nurture question pretty decisively."

Wait wait
"If you didn't spend all your time here, Williams, I wouldn't have to be fucking your wife."

(Larry Flynt needs to start a caption contest.)

"Flaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"

"They look more like her but they take after me."

^^^ grebt

would never win though

"I call the big one 'bitey'."

I entered the PETA one on my own, so you can leave that one out.

My wife did one for this one:
http://www.newyorker.com/images/2008/09/22/p323/080922_contest_p323.jpg

"Ok...I'll put down "Claws". And what you describe as your greatest weakness?"

"I'll wring your neck if one of these bastards publishes before I do"

^^^hahaha xp

lol!

xpost to "claws"

schwantzs wifes one is hilarious

"They look more like her but they take after me."

― special guest appearance (Roberto Spiralli), Wednesday, June 10, 2009 1:54 PM (46 minutes ago)

this is genius and will get my vote

^^^

also massive lolz at "claws"

(btw, I am very mad that "LET'S START IT OFF WITH A BRIEF REVIEW OF YOUR LOCAL MIDLIFE CRISIS. WE'LL THEN DISCUSS THE GLOBAL FINANCIAL CRISIS." is too long to be a screen name)

(anyway back to the picture)

"Okay, NOW they're just mocking us."

"And the best part is, we pay them in cheese."

"this acid is strong"

^ works for 99% of all new yorker cartoons

"I'm not sure their hearts are really in this better-mousetrap project."

"I know they have a grant, but do we really need more ways to skin a cat?"

"I was expecting Soulja Boy to have a different effect on them."

I always wondered how many people entered. Sometimes the finalists are so weak I assumed like, 6 people entered. My god some of those submissions are not funny.

I mean the ones copied above, not the ones currently being submitted by ILXors. Those are all comedy gold.

I like fork's "I think it's meant to be the one on the right's retirement party."

"The one in glasses is not 'the cute one'."

"auto-tune is dead"

I wonder how many times we'll have to do this until we get an ILX winner?
My money is over five, under twenty.

We should enter as Isaac L. Xevious

"I see your mice have little clothes."

"These mice are different from the mice behind us; these mice have facial features."

"Are mice very much like people?"

"I am mildly disconcerted; apparently, I am carrying a water bottle."

"Did you know? I can spit the words 'PAUL NOTH' across the room."

"I am looking at mice. You are looking at mice. They are also looking at mice."

"Hmm, I'm not sure -- she's a little mousier than the last woman I dated."

lolling at the paul noth one for some reason.

also "it's a reality show about my fantasies" has win potential

'NERDS!'

schwantz's wife made me laugh harder than I've ever laughed at new yorker cartoon

"Have the Chinese one removed for questioning."

From that long list of candidates above:
http://www.newyorker.com/images/2009/05/11/p323/090511_contest_p323.jpg
no this isn't MY evening gown i tied up a pedestrian on the way to your studio and robbed her blind.

"The leader of the mice appears to have rounded up all the intellectuals in a gulag"
"Ha, Communism sounds great on paper - it just doesn't work in lab conditions!"

12 more hours to go, and then I'll make a poll at about 11 pm (US Eastern) tonight.

And.....the new caption has appeared. Have at it!

http://i43.tinypic.com/2dhtqu0.jpg

"They look more like her but they take after me."

btw for anyone who may care, the winners of last week's ILX poll were:

1) Roberto Spiralli (10 votes)
2) Hi Dere (4 votes)
3) EZ Snappin and Dr Superman(tie) (3 votes)

"Sweden? It was MOSTLY uneventful..."

(also where was the poll? I totally missed it)

"I call her Ladybird, because she's my lady."

"Milk, toilet roll, wrapping paper. Got it."

The "Let's Win the New Yorker Caption Contest" Poll: Week 1

D'oh!

Well to sum it up, Roberto Spiralli won, but in typical ILX fashion, there were concerns about bestiality. That made your caption the choice for entry. But then, I'm pretty sure no one ever entered it, because I stupidly assumed that you had seen the poll.

lol after seeing the controversy over emphasized words in a caption I have to rethink

There really wasn't any controversy, it was just me worrying over nothing, as usual. Although I still do think that an entry with no emphasized words, all else equal, will probably do better.

"I'm going to take off now; we will never speak of this weekend again."

"is this some kind of fucking joke, Steve? i could've been killed. you useless fucking cunt."

"your...wife?"

btw, Sweden one already strong candidate imo

hey does anyone know who is talking in this comic: the pilot or the flag guy?

something about fly-me pumps

theres gotta be a good dont ask dont tell joke in there

"I just want to feel pretty! Is that so wrong?"

"she was a bitch to land today"

looooooooooooooooooool

theres gotta be a good dont ask dont tell joke in there

that's where I was going, best I could come up with was "I believe the policy clearly states 'Don't ask'."

"I just want to feel pretty! Is that so wrong?"
jesus christ is that the plane talking?

"she was a bitch to land today"
YES SUBMIT THIS NOW

"Yes they're Blahniks. God."

"If comfort were a concern I'd take the train."

jesus christ is that the plane talking?

uh... no

W i l l also comes correct, loooooooooool

e3 i dig that, better than anything i had

"seemed to be something of a problem with drag today"

a+

omg Spiralli is killin it

yoga flame

"Jeez Carl, when you said you enjoyed Transformers I wasn't expecting this"

"How was your trip Mr. Blahnik?"
"It makes the wings look great but it's MURDER on the struts."
"Do you have anything in a size 7?"

"honestly, this is not what I expected when you said it was a transatlantic flight"

"Don't ever ask Koslowski to fix your flats."

ah, somebody already there with the blahnik joke.
She was a bitch to land would be great for playboy, would never get into the new yorker. Good caption tho.

lol e3

several strong candidates already, I smell victory.

"I can't use the cobblestone runway today."

I just hope that people coming back to this thread will realize there's a new caption now.

"I said high WHEELS, goddamnit!"

can u say goddamnit in new yorker?

prob not

"Would've been here earlier, but there was a sale at Saks."

"I said high WHEELS, goddamnit!"

― 鬼の手 (Edward III), Monday, June 15, 2009 4:27 PM (2 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

^^ dad jokers choice

"I hate French planes."

I'm feeling the "drag" gag as a winner.

I'd almost bet that was the original caption!

feel like the drag pun will occur to other people, so would need to be worded better to stand a chance. if people want to take a crack at smartening it up be my guest.

I'll mash yours up with one of mine (not because it's better but because I'm an egomaniac):

"French planes always have a problem with drag."

"Don't worry, it changes into tennis shoes on the way to the hangar."

"No, I said we needed to ADDRESS the drag!"

"It's night and day with the gel pads."

dad jokers choice

not just a member I'm the president etc

"dude, you will never believe this. I just got back from visiting Dave at the lab and he has been fucking a mouse. he had these mice children in a cage in little outfits. it was FUCKED UP."

"Lockheed-Martin should never have bought out Easy Spirit."

"I named him Turtle, to remember."

"i kind of want to fuck this airplane"

"FLOTUS One is a go"

"i kind of want to fuck this airplane"

haha i love the simplicity

"it's no good, frank. I tried a bombing run and almost broke my neck."

"I thought I was landing on a runway"

I just hope that people coming back to this thread will realize there's a new caption now.

yeah what happened? i am confused etc where is the new pic and what was the actual published caption for the last one?

ZS, I think multiple threads and links therein are probably called for.
u got this?

"this acid is strong"

"and get this - ziggy's complaint is that he wishes he was taller!"

if they published 'my wifes a slut' surely they have no problem with 'bitch to land'

ZS, I think multiple threads and links therein are probably called for.
u got this?

I'm up for it, but is that what we want to do? I'm honestly sure which is more confusing - to have one main thread that may confuse newcomers, or to have two new threads per week (one for nominations, one for the poll).

looks like thread is falling victim to

Disappearing Posts?

wait why cant u just post the new pic?

xpost

Yeah, I noticed that. I scrolled up to check out the plane in heels and it was just gone.

I did, k3vin, it's posted above (although it may have temporarily disappeared).

is the poll necessary without a Ishmael Lorenzo Xevious NYer account to post the winner under?

ah ok my bad xp

But I'll post it again just for giggles

http://i43.tinypic.com/2dhtqu0.jpg

RE: Disappearing posts

Does it have something to do with bookmarks? If I hit F5 and reload the page, some posts are missing, but if I click on the bookmark, and then on "show all messages", it DOES appear.

...

It's an optimization for loading long threads; the first 50 posts and the last 50 posts are shown with a link in the middle to load the hidden ones in order to decrease the the amt of data requested from the web server. It's been there since this iteration of the ILX code went live.

Tbh, we probably need a separate board for this.

dan, the problem is that the midthread "load all messages" link isn't showing

???

I can see it!

"she was a bitch to land today"

― special guest appearance (Roberto Spiralli), Monday, June 15, 2009 4:16 PM (37 minutes ago)

yesssss

it's back!

both the pic ZS posted at first and now this second one are showing; twenty minutes ago the first wasnt there

weird

it was in "load them all" limbo

dan, the problem is that the midthread "load all messages" link isn't showing

Yep. Every once in a while, the "show all messages" link doesn't show, either at the very top or in the middle, and it just skips from a message 5 days ago to one about 50 minutes ago.

"Tbh, we probably need a separate board for this."

Take it here!
http://www.ilxor.com/ILX/NewAnswersControllerServlet?boardid=56108700
It even fits the board mission statement!

New poll for week 2, ya'll:

The "Let's Dominate the New Yorker Caption Contest" Poll: Week TWO

OK, the 3 official nominees for the first caption have been chosen by the NYer.

http://i42.tinypic.com/14l7ywm.jpg

New Yorker's selections:

"O.K., let's slowly lower in the grant money.”
Submitted by Todd Bearson
Arlington, Mass.

“Relax, for them it's publish and perish.”
Submitted by David Burns
Needham, Mass.

“The research is conclusive—mice are even cuter when you dress them up in little coats.”
Submitted by Brad Hodges
Dungannon, Ontario

ILX selections:

"They look more like her but they take after me."
Submitted by Roberto Spiralli
10 votes

"Okay, NOW they're just mocking us." 4
Submitted by Hi Dere
4 votes

"I know their clipboards are proportional, but it makes it really hard to read their notes."
Submitted by EZ Snappin
3 votes

"What troubles me is that they're speaking German."
Submitted by Dr Superman
3 votes

Meanwhile...

WEEK THREE CONTEST/NOMINATIONS BEGIN HERE

http://i41.tinypic.com/2rzzb4y.jpg

NOMINATIONS DUE BY WEDNESDAY, JUNE 24TH, WITH THE POLL RUNNING FROM THE NIGHT OF THE 24TH TO THE NIGHT OF THE 27TH.

oh come on, there's only one caption/theme for that one:

"Aren't you forgetting something?"/"I thought you had him!"/etc etc

"That's right, avert your eyes! You don't want to end up like Henry, do you?"

i told him, if he says "are we nearly there yet?" one more time...

"so you're certain that this 'life-sized subbuteo' game is legal?"

"Do you think these frappucinos are making me irritable?"

"just pull over slowly and let me do the talking"

"'WARNING: LOW BRIDGE AHE-' Oh look, cows!"

grant money one seems likely to win.

"So, this week's theme is National Lampoon's Vacation?"

"yes but *I* didn't forget my drink on roof of the car"

"personally, i would have opened with pawn to king's 4"

"for the last time, i'm not spending my per diem to rent an SUV"

'Idiot Blaine Ruins Gumball 3000'

"you wouldn't be hungry if you got something at the drive-thru, mr. i-hate-trans-fats"

I'm trying to think of some combined Odysseus/cop caper gag, but not getting very far. Best I can come up as of yet:

"Are you sure this is the best way to avoid the sirens?"

Not great.

"i still say the extortion industry shouldn't have to advertise."

"well, I'm not explaining why we had to drop him off 'somewhere more scenic'"

"No, the drivethrough girl did not seem weird to me."

"if you didn't want jackass 3 on your resume you shouldn't have taken the job."

ugh who knew being drily urbane was so challenging

a variation on elmo's:

"don't tell me you forgot your drink on the roof again"

short sweet and stupid is most likely on this one.
"I thought he was with you!"
"Well it's not like he WALKED away..."

"Nothing back there but a coffee cup, boss."

"what are those idiots beeping at?"

That's the cruelest depiction of distress I've seen in a NYer cartoon maybe ever. Look at that dude's eyes.

also
"That's the cruelest depiction of distress I've seen in a NYer cartoon maybe ever. Look at that dude's eyes"

"thanks for stopping, a slurpee always brings out the kid in me"

"look, paul, I'm trying to be supportive here but there are better ways of getting on reality TV"

"Thank god THAT'S taken care of."

haha I was going to do a "Jackass" one but chickened out

"It's like, he's going in the drink, but this drink is going in me. Makes you think, you know?"

"Are you or have you ever been a representative or member of a terrorist organization or a member of a group which endorses terrorist activity?"

"these car rental people don't know the meaning of the word 'legroom' do they?"

"these harsh interrogation techniques are torture on your highway milage"

"I'm not exactly sure how they took the news but they said they'd give us 'a sign'"

"maybe it's in my other pants"

"I've always hated Rush Week."

"back in my day, we didn't have to travel to a sustainable fishery"

lotsa mileage in the torture angle npi

"Don't get me wrong, I love these family reunions - I just wish Mitt wouldn't act like he's better than the rest of us."

"I dunno...did you leave the gas on maybe?"

"Hey Mario, you know what I hate? When the picture for a caption competition is fucking lame. Also - Jews."

"I spy with my little eye something that rhymes with 'shoe left the hostage on the roof, idiot'."

"Porco Dio! Che disgraziata!"

"after the administration banned waterboarding we weren't left with many options"

Thinking of some "give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day" gag but I can't place it

"i think it qualifies as a 'stress position,' yes"

"You wanna know where he is? Hit the brakes and I'll tell you..."

"I got the idea from Mitt Romney"

(Alternately: "Hey, if it was good enough for Mitt Romney's dog...")

"I'm not sure if this is what the boss meant by 'thinking outside the box'"

hahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa I had forgotten about Mittens and his dog adventures

"Now we just look for an overpass" would also work

"Look Tony, it's not that I don't like it, but I live in a 3rd floor studio - where am I going to put it?"

"This was a lot easier before they transferred us to Utah"

^^ wait, substitute a dry state that does not have a gigantic well-known lake

Arizona

lake havasu, bro

why did i even post that

"I'm all for offering them a final meal, but next time NO BURRITOS"

"So much for 'what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas'."

"Do you think this will count as 'something borrowed' or 'something blue'?"

"in the trunk, complain, in the backseat, complain. I try to be reasonable but I've had it with this guy."

"She lies and says she's in love with him; can't find a betterman..."

"At least we still have our dignity."

"don't worry, kid. it happened on my first time, too. you keep hearing the screams for a while afterwards, but eventually you get over it. here, have some slurpee."

http://i41.tinypic.com/2rzzb4y.jpg

"now that you mention it, the whistling sound *is* kind of irritating"

"The third film was by some margin the darkest of the Weekend at Bernie's trilogy."

the burrito joke is supported by the fact that if you look at the drawing, there ARE sort of fart lines

"he is soaking his feet in epsom salts"

"Forget about the past, Malone, and start thinking about the approaching overpass."

"I'm sorry, but I'm getting really tired of people telling me how great the wire is"

okay, feeling that one.

"Christ, I'm going not going to be able to close my eyes tonight without seeing a twitching bushy tail."

was gonna add "besides, I'm more of a sopranos guy" but thought it would be overkill

xp

"The Sopranos is SO much better than the Wire" would be a good contender if the voting audience consisted entirely of 20- and 30-something transplanted Brooklynites

"i'll admit the look on his face is priceless, but i still wonder if we shouldn't have just hired a stripper"

"i'm actually an electrician by trade, i just do this for fun"

"Christ, I'm going not going to be able to close my eyes tonight without seeing a twitching bushy tail."

― W i l l, Monday, June 22, 2009 1:16 PM (1 hour ago) Bookmark Suggest

haha

forks & goole had good ones too

Burrito and live in a studio/what am I gonna do with it are my favorites so far.

Playing off the driver's petulant expression:

"Not that you even asked, but I _don't_ think he'll go with the sofa."
"I didn't say I didn't like it! I said that, for a hood ornament, it's a bit ostentatious."

ah, just saw the studio one, that works better than mine.

"No, that was too loud for something a pigeon might have dropped"

"They always shit themselves after ya get the shoes on 'em."

Week Three poll is up!

The "Let's Obliterate the New Yorker Caption Contest" Poll: Week THREE

Week Four!

http://i41.tinypic.com/2viib7d.jpg

Same format as always, submit captions until Wednesday-ish, poll on Thursday-Saturday, and winners should submit their nominations to the NYer by Sunday, July 5th.

".. and then he nicked my submarine!"

"Flight risk, you said. My conscience is clear."

I'm having trouble figuring out what is going on in this one. Why is he standing out in front of the two lawyers? Is he being sentenced? But don't defendants stand back with their lawyers when the sentence comes down? And is one of the bailiffs supposed to be the one speaking?

I feel like my mom watching ANY movie in the theater. "Who is that? Why is everyone so angry with each other now?"

"This isn't the pool?"

CONTROVERSIAL MOD EDIT: This entry should now be "This isn't the jury pool?"

"Who is that? Why is everyone so angry with each other now?"

Is this an entry? Because I like it.

"Correct, Your Honor. Now, put your right hand out."

Judge Williams always came down harshly on those found guilty of Diving Under the Influence.

HI DERE on the right path, something about pooling the jury.

standard New Yorker entry: "Well, it's a funny story..."

If ILX is really going to win the New Yorker Caption Contest, we need to think more like the New Yorker. A lot of people's submitted captions are funny, but they're not constructed in the pithy, slightly groan-inducing style that the magazine favors. Ideally, we also need to write more captions that mildly satirize the ruling class and/or the contemporary work-a-day world.

A kind of comment on contemporary mores?

sorry i can only do embarrassing puns

"No your honour, they're Speedos! The 'S' fell off!"

"I think I misunderstood the meaning of carpool."

"Flight risk, you said. My conscience is clear."

― W i l l

A+

jaymc OTM

puns don't really do it

Alba, more of a comment on contemporary foibles of the upper-middle class I'd say

Although this one may be an exception

Yeah, my comment was more of a general thing, not about this cartoon specifically.

the dudes are wearing badges so I don't think they are lawyers fwiw

"In my defence, Your Honor, even you have to admit the phrase "secretarial pool" can be misleading."

"I've been dressing this way since my business went under."

Hi DERE that's pretty good

"How else are you supposed to dress for air travel these days?"

"In this economy??"

^^^doesnt actually make sense but i might submit it for every cartoon until it does

The new Law Degree from the Marine Institute just wasn't working out in practice.

Whaddaya mean not dressed for the occasion? We're in FLORIDA

"OK, I admit: I was paid to take a dive!"

(groany enuff for yiz?)

HI DERE why 'secretarial pool' rather than 'jury pool'?

scroll up, I used that one already

took me a long time to get that Speedo gag; we don't use "pedo" in america as slang

"I plead insanity. I went off the deep end."

Because "secretarial pool" implies he was caught snorkeling in a tub of secretaries

Because "secretarial pool" is actually the name of his dog.

"I was told the legal profession was full of 'sharks'. WOKKA WOKKA WOKKA!"

"You watch your back, Jerry! This game of Marco Polo isn't over!"

"I know you are but what am I?"

"Before you read the sentence, Your Honor, I want to say again that everything I did was dolphin-safe."

But HI DERE's is funnier (though "defense" should be spelled the American way for submission)

I think Dan's idea is good but the phrasing needs to be more concise if possible, if you really want to maximize your chances.

picture Can't think of a caption but puts me in mind of the judge quote from Withnail and I.

"I've been dressing this way since my business went under."

This seems exactly the kind of thing jaymc was talking about.

from "Holy shit, the caption bank of attempted winners for past cartoons is a goldmine!":

"If no one laughs, do I get waterboarded?"

why the hell did I spell "defense" like that

"As the sixth amendment plainly states your honor, 'In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedo and public trial'"

think my reign of terror is probably over. am struggling with this week's.

i think not. that's some next level gentle punning.

i feel like these pictures aren't that funny to begin with

"In his defense, that was the biggest ladies'-room toilet I've ever seen."

yeah berto thats the best yet on this thread, kiu

haha this is to obscure to be useful, but:

"So we promptly identified ourselves as Olice..."

"If the snorkel doesn't fit, you must acquit"

(sorry, s/b "olice officers")

"One day I WILL free Willy!"

"Sustained!"

You guys are being too funny though. Something that barely even registers, as amusing:

"Let's make this quick, I have a 2 o' clock."

"If the snorkel doesn't fit, you must acquit"

― congratulations (n/a), Monday, June 29, 2009 2:03 PM (6 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

hahaha

"Your honor, I have to say this trial is going swimmingly."

"Drowned her? I can't even swim!"

"Is it so wrong to love Virginia Woolf on as many levels as I do?"

"Oh, so if you're Michael Phelps it's okay?"

Posting week 4 pic again, it's hidden in 'load them all'land:

http://i41.tinypic.com/2viib7d.jpg

"But it's true: Mars DOES need women!"

"Madoff's son is involved? Your honor, c'mon, just look at him!"

"No, YOU'RE in contempt!"

i feel like there's a workable marco polo gag here somewhere.

Lionel Hutz: Now, Mrs. Simpson, tell the court in your own words what happened after you and your husband were ejected out of the restaurant.
Marge: Well, we pretty much went straight home.
Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, remember that you are under oath.
Marge: We drove around until three in the morning looking for another open all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant.
Lionel Hutz: And when you couldn't find one?
Marge: We... went... fishing.
Lionel Hutz: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, do these sound like the actions of a man whose had ALL he could eat?

"All my financial problems can be traced back to the fact that I don't float."

"I congratulate your on your diligence in keeping out illegal immigrants, gentlemen, but I think we can let Mr. Smith go."

i feel like there's a workable marco polo gag here somewhere.

;_;

oh did you do one already? did it work?

I wld say: not really, sorry Dan.

;_; ;_;

"Get ahold of yourself, Bernie. No one's getting waterboarded here."

haha, how about just "MARCO!"

That drawing is just so painfully unfunny.

"When my lawyer said he thought I'd be going away for a long time, I figured I would hope for the best."

I am so proud of mine.

"Dippy dippy dive and so socialize; how ya gonna make a black nation rise?"

i actually kind of like my "i can't even swim" one, but honestly i don't know what the hell to do with this ugly fucking picture.

"You're honor, but I actually have a real estate license."

^^ whoops that should be "your"

The expressions of his retainers make it seem as though he should be saying something they respectively find in poor taste & shocking.

"Can you explain to the jury exactly what you were doing in the ball pit at Chuck E Cheese?"

His right arm's positioning suggests he is arguing a point.

Ha, Roberto, that's great!

"I misunderstood the meaning of sub-prime."

"I would say I am fairly confident of escaping from Alcatraz, yes."

I'm a little worried about going over the 50 nominations threshold again. Is there any reason that polls are limited to 50 options? I feel bad when it's poll time and I have to delete caption entries.

Is the diver's mouth open, or is his bottom lip jutting out in defiance?

ZS we shld do like we did with the poetry contest and everyone gets to pick the favorite one of theirs they've come up with.

Pick whichever one of mine you like. None are very good.

I thought about that Abbott, but I'm worried it would just get too complicated to do since there are already 2 different threads dedicated to the caption contest.

i liked dan's marco polo one.

You could probably fix all of mine by deleting the preambles.

Actually, did anyone ever submit their own caption? I get the feeling that no one did.

I did for the first one.

eh, i guess i like my speedo and chuck e cheese ones. you can definitely can the rest.
looking back over, i like the flight risk one, the snorkel/acquit one and the free willy one. good shit given the weakness of the source material.

xposts - i submitted the first two weeks' but i didn't see the third one until today.

The flight risk one is pretty excellent.

xpost

Yeah, I wonder about that too. On one hand, I could submit the winner myself, but then if it actually got to top 3 territory I'd worry that I'd somehow be outed as a fraud because it wasn't my caption, and plus it would feel wrong to see my name listed as the caption writer.

And plus, anyone who writes a decent caption should enter, for sure. The more we enter, the better the chance that an ILXor will make it to the top three.

So then it's tempting to say "why have a poll and choose a winner?" But if we eliminate the poll, this whole idea will probably be dead within a few weeks (it may anyway, I suspect).

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_jMCplra4Obw/SdI-9HkdumI/AAAAAAAAAo0/7LtEUfVSj9U/s400/teachers-head-explodes.jpg

i don't get the flight risk one ;_;

The three NYer finalists for the plane caption:

http://i43.tinypic.com/2dhtqu0.jpg

“She thinks her bomb bay makes her look fat.”
Submitted by Eric Schares
Portland, Ore.

“It's a pretty good aircraft, except that it keeps nagging you to ask for directions.”
Submitted by Adam Pfeffer
Boca Raton, Fla.

"She's a lover, not a fighter."
Submitted by Robert McLean
Tampa, Fla.

The three ILXor nominees:

"she was a bitch to land today"

"If comfort were a concern I'd take the train."

"I call her Ladybird, because she's my lady."

Was "If comfort were a concern I'd take the train" entered? Because that one is more New Yorkery than any of the official 3.

ugh those official 3 suck

ha ha bitches want you to ask directions

Seems like they're tired of satirising contemporary middle class mores, going for straight-down-the-line sexist gags. Good job.

Eric Schares, Portland, Ore.; Adam Pfeffer, Boca Raton, Fla.; Robert McLean, Tampa, Fla.: not funny

and they think they look fat! do u see the comedy!

florida is the saddest state

The last one is way, way funny compared to the first two.

None are as good as ours.

i don't get the ladybird one?

yeah, the fact that the winning captions routinely aren't funny kind of removes the one criterion we are all concentrating on.

i just want to know when "new yorker cartoon captions" and "brick-wall comedy hell" started sharing the same tired jokes? or have i not been paying sufficient attention

as a weekly reader of the new yorker, i can't think of the last cartoon they published that even made me smile.

okay, i have modified my approach. how about: "Uh oh, I'm in deep water now!"

it made me cringe just the right amount. i think it could be a winner.

"Well, your honor, I was going down on your wife when the incident occurred."

'So then it's tempting to say "why have a poll and choose a winner?"'
The winner should be entered automatically by Ignatius Lem Xanadu, lest sloth tempt the winner not to enter.

baby ruth?

Agreed.

for the flight risk one, in the poll please put "your honor said" instead of "you said"

he wouldn't fuck w/ court etiquette

I think italicizing "flight" might help too

I'm going to enter "If the snorkel doesn't fit, you must acquit," I think it might be obvious and unfunny enough to have a chance.

"I knew I should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque."

"I've been dressing this way since my business went under."

Yes, I do like this one. It's a pun, but it's elegant. And it has that New Yorkery "oh, the rich" dimension to it.

oh wow, I didn't even get the "under" dimension -- not to workshop everything here, but maybe there's a way to bring that out

(it might be too, umm, specialized a reference to work it into something about a mortgage being "underwater," right?)

I was trying to work with "belly-up" somehow.

I threw out six (!) of these things, and I think the one jaymc pointed out is the best of them. The floating debt one ("All my financial problems can be traced back to the fact that I don't float.") and the mortgage one ("I misunderstood the meaning of sub-prime.") don't quite get at the sort of knowing, unfunny, raised eyebrow humor of typical New Yorker cartoons.

So consider that one my entry.

"Well, your honor, I was going down on your wife when the incident occurred."

^ if only this one stood a chance.

"When a reef needs protection, I'm the guy, OK?"

i like the first official answer has "bombay" in it

i guess that makes it a bomb bay satire?

"HOW YOU LIKE MY AMICUS TRUNKS!"

"No your honor, I wouldn't call it fishing for evidence exactly."

"What do you mean I'm in deep water?"

*groan*

"Oh, and the octopus gets off scott free? Typical."

SO, what's happenin'

i was wonderin

Double issue last week, no issue this week.

I think groany puns are the wrong approach. New Yorker captions almost never do that.

Oh shit, I forgot to set up the poll last week. Sorry!

http://blogs.suntimes.com/ebert/2009/07/the_new_yorker_no_the_new_york.html#more

I came up with what I think would make a perfect New Yorker cartoon --

It's a relatively close frame of two women talking, and one his showing her hand, and one is showing an engagement ring with a very large diamond and a kind of clip-on spotlight attached to the ring, lighting the diamond, and the woman is saying "You don't think it's too ostentatious, do you?"

So, uh, if that's ever the contest drawing, there's my entry.

let's win the imaginary new yorker caption contest

weird, I kinda miss these threads

Anyone is welcome to keep them going if you want! I've been ultra unreliable the past two weeks because I've been relocating to a different city, visiting friends out of town, and starting a new job. Hopefully next week I'll be able to set it up (which just means saving a copy of the new caption on tinypic.com so the link won't disappear in the future, and starting a new poll thread later in the week), but if not anyone can do it too of course.

It's been a while, so...

http://img508.imageshack.us/img508/1318/091026contestp465.jpg

Entries for this drawing, by Zachary Kanin, will be accepted through Sunday, October 25th.

yay, it's back!

"Alright, _I've_ got one for you."

"'...but thy father-in-law and mother-in-law can go fuck themselves'!? Efface that, now!'"

"covet... thy... neighbor's... wife... now read it back to me."

I don't care what the bottle said, this is not what "Take two tablets to sleep" means.

"i'm your wife, and even i don't care about your Top Ten list"

"give it up, moshe. they're never going to fall for it."

"how did I let you talk me into bible reenactment camp! the franklins are in aruba!"

"i just dreamed this killer riff and i had to carve it down before i forgot it"

"if you think i'm going to help test your hand-carved breast implants, you're crazy"

"covet... thy... neighbor's... wife... now read it back to me."

hahaha this one is great

My wife did one for this one:
http://www.newyorker.com/images/2008/09/22/p323/080922_contest_p323.jpg

"Ok...I'll put down "Claws". And what you describe as your greatest weakness?"

― schwantz, Wednesday, June 10, 2009 2:27 PM (4 months ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

still loling at this one

man i once had the BEST caption ever but never submitted the entry

it was a screwdriver laying on a couch in a shrinks office

my caption was "i've been dreaming i'm screwing my mother"

Grr... Don't use "arial"!

i was working on a comic sans gag...

your first one was really good, forks

thenk yew; i was weirdly happy with the tablets one

So I married a chiseler!

your first one was really good, forks

Yeah, this one seems most New Yorker-y to me!

"covet... thy... neighbor's... wife... now read it back to me."

This is hilarious!

I don't care what the bottle said, this is not what "Take two tablets to sleep" means.

Is this one of those "Groany Pun" ones?

it's really quite nicely "formed".

"I don't care, if He was that bothered about his commandments, he'd have carved them Himself!"

the 'claws' one is seriously funnier than any new yorker cartoon I have seen in my life

yes.

'i dn't care how many followers you have, put that thing away already'

maybe 'followers' in quotes

"I'm guessing 'thou shalt not procrastinate' isn't on your little list."

Tracer, I'd go for a "Twitter for Luddites"" joke.

"people who yelp are scumbags"

"I've got a hot chick waiting in bed for me so I'll just chisel this last one:"

"moses i'm real happy for you and i'm gonna let you finish but aaron had one of the best idols of all time"

j/k

i want my first one included in the damn poll though

with the quote marks

"but if i fucked you marjorie i'd still be chiseling a cold, hard piece of stone and i'd still have the commandments to do in the morning"

"when i said you should get a laptop to write on instead, that isn't exactly what i had in mind."

"You could have just tweeted - they're all under 140 characters."

"if I knew you'd become this obsessed with your iSlab I never would have bought it"

"George's luddite tendencies were not improved by going mobile"

"Please, Hammer, don't hurt them"

"a little less chiseling and a little more bangin', God. I want my own Jesus."

Shonda! Shonda for the goyim!

what about "shall not" instead of "should refrain from".

(like that one)

(although it should be 'shalt' innit?)

"shalt" is the informal second-person conjugation of "shall"

Truly, god loved us all, informally.

"it's shalt nor shart"

woops "it's shalt NOT shart"

Shart?

go on "cutty", explain it

google provides

OK, got it. it's another suggestion for the caption:

"it's shalt nor shart, woops it's shalt NOT shart oh nevermind.."

"wait, which one are you 'oops'-ing about?"

haha

"I think he was meaning "ass" as in Donkey there"

"What's it worth to you to drop the "cunnilingus" one?"

did anybody submit anything? man, we suck at this.

this is promising tho

http://www.newyorker.com/images/2009/11/16/p465/091116_contest_p465.jpg

"It's her night off, actually."

or more NYorker-y: "Funny you should ask. It's her night off."

"Let's get this over with."

"i bet you can squeal like a pig. weee!"

http://modernarthur.com/blog/christwhatanasshole.html

I feel like I've seen that before, but it makes me lol irl every time.

http://i42.tinypic.com/14l7ywm.jpg
"Christ, what an asshole.

Man, I finally get an idea for a caption, but it turns out the contest is already closed. (I got the magazine a few days late.)

Kanye West wins:

http://dawnofsuperheroes.com/?SkaS7QwM

http://www.themonkeysyouordered.com/

lolled at a few of those!

Next year's xmas cards!

"Please get back to cooking"

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l7ozn6JNv21qat5d5.gif

I put the needles in me instead of in you.

(As a sidenote, you may have noticed that there haven’t been new posts over the last few days. I was contacted this week by Condé Nast, which owns The New Yorker, about the blog using images that originally appeared in the magazine — I’m hoping to come to a satisfactory arrangement with them, but in the meantime I won’t be posting. Thank you all so much for reading and for being so enthusiastic about the blog. It’s been awesome to hear from all of you!)

Aww.

ugh

intellectual property (noun): intangible property that is the result of creativity (such as patents or trademarks or copyrights)

antonyms: fun

http://www.newyorker.com/images/2011/02/07/g290/110207_contest_g290.jpg

Something like "She said she had experience of bar work..."

http://www.newyorker.com/images/2011/05/02/p465/110502_contest_p465.jpg

"Now, will you listen to me?"

(What you reckon, too obscure?)

Love it

"Look busy, the boss is coming."

of course, yes.

this month's cartoon is particularly fruitful