one hundred minor embarrassments

99) I ended up with the pants, which were ugly and cheap, and wore them to school. I lounged proudly against a sunny window for about an hour so I would be noticed for my awesome fashion, not realizing that my garb were so poorly constructed as to be totally translucent. I thought everybody was looking at me because I was cool, not because I was providing a clear silhouette of my fat thighs in tighty-whities.

98) Because both of the kids from my hometown with the name 'Michael Monaghan' had Downs Syndrome, and my sister's friend 'Michelle Monoghan' was autistic, I once counted the Monoghans in the phone book to figure out how many cognitively-disabled families there were in my hometown. One hundred and sixteen. I was about fourteen before I realized it was a coincidence.

97) Seventh grade. Hiding in the bathroom stall with a bloody nose, and out of toilet paper, I kept sniffling at regular intervals to prevent the blood from hitting the floor. Unbeknownst to me, there was somebody else in the next stall. He started a pervasive and virulent rumor that I was having a wank, and that he'd seen a few drops of blood hit the floor because I was tugging so hard.

96) I served a very bad, very severely burned soup at a pot luck as 'smoked' because it had bits of black charred crap on the bottom. Most people had more, but I think they were being polite.

95) I wore the pants from 100/99 a few more times because I didn't want to admit (to myself) that my parents had been right -- that they were stupid and weird.

(somebody else go now)

smoked soup!

It will take a while to transcribe every moment of my life from age 12 to age 19.

I don't believe you ever had fat thighs.

94) Repeatedly asked teacher and classroom of roughly 75 students what a boner was in 8th grade.

what laurel said also
ok sorry

93) I asked my elderly barber to give me a 'shawn kemp' (was an nba star at the time who had this pompadourish-fade thing) and had to to describe it to him of course (alarm bells in my head go unheeded); i end up looking more like angelo more except without the dreads, kind of a fuzzy yarmulke at the front of my head. my dad is outraged, i defend it to the death, naturally. i wear it over the weekend until a couple friends admit it looks stupid and i shave it all off so i'm bald (another fight with dad)

Are we talking just teenage embarrasments? I think everyone has more than a hundred. I've succeeded in obliterating most of them from my memory though.

92. 7 years old, climbed all the way up onto the high-dive, got scared and climbed back down the ladder, to the laughter of a long line of teenagers waiting to go up.

It will take a while to transcribe every moment of my life from age 12 to age 19.

-- Dan I., Thursday, October 25, 2007 7:12 PM (4 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

otm, sadly:-(

91. Freshman homecoming dance, brushed boner against date while slow dancing to REM "Losing My Religion".

90)Played in a high school band, pressed CDs.

89. Third grade: I am riding my bike on the sidewalk down the street from my house, and a girl who I have a major crush on walks by. A bit surprised to see her, I turn and wave only to crash into a tree.

88. One time during class I accidentally call this same girl "mommy"

omg

87. 7th grade science class sneezed a gigantic snotwad into my hand, asked to be excused to the bathroom, everyone laughed. WTF 7th graders, that's not funny.

This would be an excellent highlight reel.

i love that tremendoid had a fuzzy yarmulke!

86. waiting on a table of middle-aged women, suddenly my nose starts gushing blood all over my starched white shirt. I looked like Carrie.

85) Somehow got pooped on in kindergarten during class. Somehow teacher didn't make me change pants for the rest of the day.

7th grade science class sneezed a gigantic snotwad into my hand

all at once?

84. as I'm getting ready to go to Lubbock for a state UIL event (current events or newspaper writing or something), I get called in front of the entire school administration who start yelling at me for not informing anyone that I was failing trig with a 12 and completely screwing the entire school because I was ineligible, etc. etc. etc.

83. "No, officer, I only had one beer, I swear..."

82. First night of driver's ed, a ridiculously loud fart.

81. when i got my first period (age 10) and my mom marched me into a restroom and exclaimed to a long line of women waiting: "my daughter just got her period! can she go ahead of you??"

^actually a major embarrassment

nosebleeds stories are always good embarrassment classics:

80. the "cool kids" at my, very small, grade school invite me to go see Police Academy in the theater with them. Either out of pity or because they wanted to give me a chance, who knows. As soon as we sit down my nose explodes in a torrent of snotty blood. Cool kid Ross lets me use the sleeve of his red ski jacket (we had nothing else) to block the flow while one of the other kids went to get me some napkins.
I was never invited out again.

82. First night of driver's ed, a ridiculously loud fart.

This is perhaps the most common minor embarassment, and it never gets old. Bonus points for pretending that you didn't do it for a few minutes afterward, and then suddenly breaking down into tearful laughter.

79. December 2000, go into work one morning to find out I don't have a section. Have to sit through staff meeting etc. trying to find out what's up, get taken aside afterward by the back of the house manager of the day (the only one I liked, which is where it gets embarassing) and informed that a ticket audit had turned up a number of strange voids that no manager remembers making, etc. and that I'm being taken off the schedule until I can meet with the GM.

I run like hell and never look back.

78. Wore bike shorts to school one time in 11th grade, as was the fashion of the day. With nothing on underneath, which was not.

I still hear about this one every so often.

Someone from Seventeen/CosmoGirl is totally going to pilfer this thread

77. last conversation (as an eight-year old) with grandfather before he goes in for heart surgery (and doesn't make it) involves talking about where I'd eaten lunch or something

so, yeah, I'm pretty sure the last thing I said to my dead grandpa was that we'd eaten burgers at 'Fuck-rudders'

76. 8th grade, a card is passed around class for our english teacher who is getting let go at the end of the year, i write some florid note abt how i find it ironic that the most talented teacher is the least appreciated etc. later i find out the card was actually for a girl who was getting surgery.

hahahaha

75. every day embarrassment - I have a peace sign tattoo that's surrounded by flames or something. Pretty sure it was meant to be a tramp stamp.

74) Received boxer shorts for Christmas, thought they were normal shorts, and wore them to school with briefs on underneath.

taht cannot be

73. as senior class VP i had to meet with the homecoming committee (i.e. no one i hung out with) at someone's gigantic suburban tract home. i had to give a short speech to everyone, during which i got pantsed.

lol xxpost

omar: all at once, yes. Like, two handfuls. If I saw it happen today I would be impressed with that snot-spurting kid.

72. someone later approached me and said "you want me to kick his ass for you?"

did you say "yes"

71. kicked out of prom w/ my entire table for sneaking downstairs for a cigarette break, have to do walk of shame in front of entire crowd of teachers, students, parents.

70. age 5 or so, i was having dinner with my parents and waited for a break in the conversation to use a phrase i'd learned from the chronicles of narnia and had been saving up for days: "that's all rot!!!"

my father looked at me in surprise. "why did you say that?"

"um i don't know"

"do you even know what that means?"

"no"

69. I has a semi-unibrow. Once I discovered vanity in 6th grade, I decided to shave the hairs in between my eyebrows, not really realizing the mechanics of shaving. I wanted to do it secretly in the hopes that no one would notice what I had done, so one night I dry shaved the spot using my moms old, heavily-used leg razor. The resultant flaming pimple outbreak between my eyebrows = no surreptitious transformation for me.

My mom's hysterical laughter when I described what I had done didn't help either.

68. 7th or 8th grade (I think 8th): I volunteer to play the accompaniment for a Christmas song at our winter concert despite giving up piano lessons four years earlier. I then neglect to practice until three days before the concert. The piece starts with a litle piano solo, which I play as if I had been stuffed with caffeine and catnip and had chewed off my fingers in a hyperspastic fit before sitting at the piano.

The playing gets worse from that point; I think I was about three measurse behind the chorus at one point. This would be my last public appearance as a piano player.

67. while i was exiting the subway, my skirt split up the side all the way to my waist a few weeks ago, had to walk two blocks from the subway to my apartment desperately holding it together and trying to cover it with my jacket. embarrassing due to partial nudity and also being a fat.

66. not mine: tiny (under 5') blonde I worked with walks up and greets a table of dudes with the special of the day, starts talking up our "Norwegian Semen."

65. my third-grade pictures were taken in a watch cap because I thought my hair was too long and decided to give myself a haircut. without a mirror.

64. 6th grade, bowling club: on the bus to the bowling alley some 7th grader asks if i know what a clit is, so of course i'm like yeah duh!!, he's like so what is it, i'm like "uhhh its like a little dick but for girls?" then he yelled to the cuet girl i had a crush on "ha ha this kid thinks girls have a dick" then i got embarrassed and quit the bowling club

63. My dad decided to straighten my hair when I was in 10th grade, ostensibly to "make it easier to manage". However, he burned all shades of bejesus out of my scalp, leaving me with a 2-inch tall fright-wig afro that caused pain when the wind blew across it. I tried to cover it up with a hat but my biology teacher thought I was being disrespectful and insisted that I take it off. After I did, he looked at my hair and told me I could put it back on.

62. first experience with Manic Panic did not go well, wound up all over my neck & ears. Thought maybe a little bleach dabbed on the skin would clear it right up.

I've had so many bloody nose incidents that I simply ceased to get embarrassed by them.

61. this literally happened three days ago. was having dinner with a woman. talking about candy, talk turns to peanut butter/chocolate combos. i blurt out "i love reese's penis!"

60. In 2nd grade I went through a period of fascination with the (US) civil war and Lego pirates. Absent-mindedly draw a bunch of civil war rifles and skull and cross bones on the bottom of a spelling test.

The kicker, however, was that I had seen Sound of Music recently and decided to add a few swastikas to the mix. Principal gives my parents a "WTF" phone call. I get in trouble.

59. When I was 12, I thought "knocked up" meant "fingered," and told my counsellor at Camp Onondaga, to his visible horror, that I'd knocked up Stacey from three tents down.

omg reese's penis!

i have a hair story with a very similar ending, dan!

58. age 12 or so, i see a cowlick on the top of my head and decide it is unsightly. so i of course grab some scissors and cut it off. creating a one-inch bald spot on the top of my head. the next day i wear a hat to school and my math teacher (the first class of the day) tells me me to remove it. i refuse, she calls the principal, who i confide the story to. he insists on looking so i remove my hat, he chuckles, and tells me i can wear the hat for the rest of the week.

lol slocki

57. Voice cracked onstage. At age 19.

56 - I was in the chess team at school. One evening I got a phone call which went something like this:

Me: "Hello?"
??: "Is that snoball?"
Me: "Er, yeah."
??: "Listen, we don't want you in our chess team, because you're a geek!" <CLICK>

So embassasingly I was too geeky for a chess team full of geeks.

55. first time playing soccer at recess, unclear on the concept. Someone gets a penalty or free kick, I think I'll be a big hero and block it. As he gets ready to kick, I run up like a linebacker blitzing, take the ball to my face and get knocked the fuck out for several minutes.

Haha Tracer! That same biology teacher got his comeuppance when he attempted to pick on an academic slacker kid who'd been out of school for two weeks; he kept needling the kid, asking if he'd been out behins the school smoking until the kid snapped and announced he'd been bedridden with salmonella poisoning.

57. The one time I went to camp (3rd-4th grade?), I got completely into the woodsman/wildboy aspect of it. Years later I read the letter that they sent to my parents reporting my achievements at Rainbow's End camp for the gifted and talented, and scribbled at the bottom of the letter was "John is a bright and talented boy, but frequently needs to be reminded to shower and change his clothes."

Dan, is this also the "mutt" bio teacher I'm thinking of

oh, similar to 55

53. at pop warner football practice, during our first tackling drills the school bully 2 years my senior plants his helmet directly under my sternum and i'm totally unprepared for it. i find myself on my back with the wind knocked out of me, emitting a strange vocal whine that i can't stop for 30 seconds.

52. told my sister i had held hands with beautiful classmate sheryl olsen; sister called sheryl olsen on the phone to see if i was lying. i was.

51. there was a kid named billy in my first-grade class who always picked on me. finally i decided i would get him back. in the lunch room one day he started in on me, so i sang "oh where have you been, billy boy, billy boy? oh where have you been, charming billy? ... he's a young thing and cannot leave his mother!!" billy's face went pale and he looked down at his food. ha! someone to my left pulled me close and said "billy's mother died last month."

50. saw my cool friend joke-punch his dad in the gut at a fourth of july parade. tried to do the same to my dad. knocked the wind out of him; paramedics came running, thinking he was having a heart-attack. cool friend never talked to me again.

lord tracer, that's a horror moment.

49. Mistaken for a girl by visiting William Penn impersonator in 3rd grade. The worst part wasn't merely being referred to as "a little girl," it was me crying afterwards.

wau Tracer

John: YES

48. The first thirteen years of my life, I was referred to by the decidedly Scottish short form of my middle name, Alexander. Nobody in my tiny Ontarian lakeshore town thought it was conceivable that a boy could be named Sandy. Curse you, immigrant father!

Billy the Bully had it coming

Guys we should be accumulaing these for movie scripts.

that one went beyond minor i guess, though time has dulled it.

my father, but i felt like it was happening to me:

49. we are attending a juggling act at the world's fair site ampitheater in knoxville. they are juggling pins, knives, everything. they ask for a volunteer, point straight at my dad and won't take no for an answer. he gets up there and they tell him they're going to juggle pins around his head. they give him a dumb-looking helmet to wear, stupid sunglasses, and a scarf. they juggle around his head. now they give him a cigarette to put in his mouth, and say they're going to knock the cigarette from his mouth with a pin. they juggle around his head and when the time comes to knock the cigarette out of his mouth, they hit him square on the side of the head with a pin.

woops that was 47

i think my dad said "i'll see you in court", trying to make it sound like a joke, but was totally unable to disguise his anger and irritation at both being chosen and then clocked with a juggling pin so it sounded very threatening.

46. After a teacher wouldn't excuse me from the classroom during a test, I peed my pants. I was in 7th grade.

45. Got pushed off swing by a boy during recess, fell on ground with dress up. Luckily I was wearing a full white cotton petticoat underneath. Unluckily I was raised to believe petticoats were underwear and being immodest was a horror. Shame of being bullied compounded by shame of being humiliated, so naturally I cried in front of everyone. Teacher did not understand any of above and treated it as a harmless prank among friends.

44. Because we lived on the edge financially, I had to wear my glasses duct-taped together for weeks in 4th grade. They were too-big aviator glasses and I came to be known as "The Fly".

woah maria that is AWFUL.

peeing story i mean.

A+++ thread

43. I got kicked out of the Swimming Merit Badge class at Boy Scout camp when I was 12 because I couldn't swim or tread water. This was embarrassing because I knew this would happen but I let my Scoutmaster bully me into signing up for the class anyway.

42. in little league baseball, i came up to bat, was in the middle of the count and i stopped everything because i forgot my batting gloves, so i went back to the bench and put them on and proceeded to strike out(as usual). um, it might have been t-ball. i'm more embarrassed in retrospect marveling at how pathetic a scene it was, at the time i wasn't quite cognizant of know how much i sucked or that it mattered.

41. Cut some of my hair on a dare so I just had one weird patch (also 4th grade).

40. Started my period for the first time on Thanksgiving when my mom had all of her lesbian friends over. She announced it, and they all fawned over me and called me a "little womyn".

39. Thanksgiving 2005.

GF's very Catholic Grandmother: Why don't you say grace, BIG HOOS?
GF, resentful of my atheism: Yes, why don't you say grace honey?
GF's mom: Don't make him say it if he doesn't want to!
GF: Oh, he wants to...
Mom: How do you know, did you even ask him?

*descends into 20 minute Thanksgiving-ruining argument. GF drags me out of the house in a huff and "Thanksgiving Dinner" = pumpkin pie at home*

38. i can't find the picture now, but my first party @ college did not go to well and pictures of me were circulated throughout the dorm w/ bright red vomit all over my face and clothes. this was embarassing because people knew me as the kid w/ the red face before they knew my name, and because i drank a fair amount in high school and didn't expect this to happen.

x-post

you should've said "Grace!" and started chowing down

37. In my sixth year (in elementary school) I had to go in front of class and perform a song. This was for a vocal test or whatever. You got graded. I can't remember how much I scored, but I did manage to sing so badly everyone, including the teacher, roffled.

rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, YAY GOD

36. SCENE: My family, visiting my grandfather in the hospital shortly after he'd had a stroke.

GRANDFATHER: How are you doing, HI DERE?
ME (not understanding a word and assuming he said something about how big I'd gotten): Heh heh! Heh heh! (pause) Heh heh! Heh... heh. (pause) Heh?
GRANDFATHER (sadly): I know you don't want to be here with your old, broken-down grandfather. It's okay; I may not have much longer in this world and I just wanted you to know I love you.
BROTHER (furious): What is wrong with you?? Why didn't you answer him?
ME (horrified): oh no I love you Grandfather don't say that agh

35 One time I wanted, together with my cousin, escape from my grandparents. We had a brilliant idea: we would jump out the window (on the first floor). She managed to. I stepped on the shutter for support, looked down and had a panic attack. I started to scream. She begged me to jump. I screamed some more until my grandfather came and had to drag me inside again.

xp - ouch

34. 5th grade kickball game. Ran smack into a guy, bumped heads, blacked out, and was carried inside by MY ENTIRE CLASS.

above their shoulders like a dying queen?

33. playing wallball in Tae Kwon Doe class, tiny little studio. Go to slide into the wall to be safe, wind up putting my entire leg through the sheetrock

32) 9th Grade: I walked into 1st period class late with dried oatmeal stuck all over my face. didn't know until the prissy girl i sat next to informed me in a disgusted tone and loudly called me a slob or something to that affect when i sat down, i still wasn't awake enough to laugh it off or save face.

that's pretty cool - I'd a been proud!

xpost to milo

i feel like #42 is the apotheosis of whatever this thread is exactly about.

31) I once forgot which team I was on in the midst of 5th grade PE class baseball game and started running the bases instead tagging my opponent out.

above their shoulders like a dying queen?

-- milo z, Thursday, October 25, 2007 4:47 PM (Thursday, October 25, 2007 4:47 PM) Bookmark Link

Exactly. :/

30) a friend took me over to a friend of his' place to hang out and drink (we were about 19 or so). It was just kids about my age there - when i asked the dude where his parents were at he glumly told me they'd died in a car accident a few months earlier.

29. I once farted incredibly loudly in the middle of receiving head. This may not have been as big a deal if we hadn't almost been in the 69 position.

28. i decide i am in love with the prettiest, most popular girl in first grade - h3st3r dav3s. one day i notice she has an empty seat next to her in the cafeteria. i sit in it. no one speaks me. i eat silently for a few minutes and then, out of nowhere, actually kiss h3st3r dav3s on the cheek. she looks at me horrified and i think i went back to eating in silence until lunch was over.

27. i was hanging out with some former roomates and looking at photos of our freshman year of college, and came across one of myself sleeping on my back, with my legs sticking strait up in the air and crossed at the shins. kind of like if you were sitting in a chair, and the chair was rotated back 90 degrees, and also invisible. i was like "what the hell?!" and they said "oh yeah - that is how you sleep, haha." i asked my mom later and she said "yes - you've always done that! haha" apparently i've done it my whole life and nobody had ever told me!

26 - I brought a sales presentation in front of one hundred people to a standstill by letting off a chunderous fart. It was in an auditorium with a high ceiling, so it reverberated for what seemed like several seconds, during which everyone in the room turned and looked at me.

25)9th grade, repeatedly: the colors at my new school were red & white so i had to find some red shorts for gym class, settled on my mom's shorts that fit me but they were some kind of fancy slack-shorts, they were dubbed my 'sunday specials' and the other kids said i must be going birdwatching after class. i kept wearing them until i got some fleece ones or whatever, it beat detention. also first day of gym, i was goaded by some older kids into showing off my dancing prowess, to uproarious laughter.

omgg my sides!
xposts

omg:

http://ratemyprofessors.com/ShowRatings.jsp?tid=674295

24. At a cheap art auction to raise money for a community radio station, I bought an ugly painting cuz I hadn't contributed anything yet. The person standing next to me and my friends said, "nice painting!" and I replied with some statement about how I actually thought it was dreadfully ugly. Turns out she had painted it.

23. Also during my civil war days, my school's "gifted" students have to give speeches dressed as great figures from history. I dress up as Ulysses S. Grant, complete with historically accurate uniform and a beard that my step-sister developed for me by mixing all of her make-up together until it formed a horrible shade of brown crust on my face.

I am confronted by girl classmate who tells me that it looks like someone had their period on my face.

first date with first boyfriend: we stopped by my parents' house to look up the address for a party. it was st. patrick's day and my parents had some friends over and they were all loud, drunk, and singing irish folk songs at the top of their lungs. one of the friends kept commenting loudly on how cute he was and speculating on whether he was going to kiss me.

67. while i was exiting the subway, my skirt split up the side all the way to my waist a few weeks ago, had to walk two blocks from the subway to my apartment desperately holding it together and trying to cover it with my jacket. embarrassing due to partial nudity and also being a fat.

this happened to me at prom.

are adults just better at avoiding embarrassment?

i think i'm usually drunk for my embarrassments nowadays so they're easier to forget

sleep otm

Oh wow I just remembered a good one!

22.
I was 16, huge geek, I go to my first real house party, keg and everything, mostly people in their early 20's. I had a few beers and ended up on a drum set in the basement (I don't play the drums), trying to "jam" with some people with guitars. I thought it was going pretty well, but later I was in the room where people smoked weed, I took a couple of hits and asked "hey, was I doing okay on those drums? Was on time?" a guy gave me the serious face and goes "no, man, not at all.". Right at that exact moment I learned how true the warnings against "beer before weed" are, and vomited all over the room.
A couple of months later I happened to be in the same house with a friend of mine, and one of the people that lived there took my friend aside and said that I couldn't come there any more, and that I had to leave immediately.

that's more of a major embarrassment though

I hate those fucking minor embarrassments that seem to play in your head in constant rotation. I mean, I can forget where I've put a cup of tea less than a minute after I've made it, but I'll still remember an awkward pass I made 15 years ago.

There must be a technique for forgetting this kind of nonsense.

21. Mr P4harik was accusing me of smoking weed before 8th grade history class and i swore on my moms life it wasnt me stinking up the classroom then i burped and a bunch of smoke came out.

the best way to forget old embarrassments is to make new ones!

chaki that one is way too good to be true

omg chaki lol

that sounds too good to be true to not be true

the best way to forget old embarrassments is to make new ones!

Yeah. I was going to say blunt head trauma, preferably in front of lots of onlookers.

82. First night of driver's ed, a ridiculously loud fart.

This is perhaps the most common minor embarrassment, and it never gets old. Bonus points for pretending that you didn't do it for a few minutes afterward, and then suddenly breaking down into tearful laughter.

I was in a crowded theater watching a quiet scene of The Toy in 1982 when someone behind us and to the right let out the most horrid, juciest fart. The entire theater turned in that direction and laughed.

I think about that person probably once every three weeks or so.

i swear on my moms life it happened

There must be a technique for forgetting this kind of nonsense.

http://www.badgerwest.com/images/WildTurkey101.jpg

I think about that person probably once every three weeks or so.

-- Pleasant Plains, Thursday, October 25, 2007 9:14 PM (1 minute ago) Bookmark Link

hahahaha the funny thing is i bet that guy consoled himself thinking "at least no one will remember this years from now."

20. I snapped a girl's bra when I was 12. A teacher caught me and screamed at me about it for fifteen minutes on variations of how I was an irredeemable pervert and how my parents were going to be severly disappointed in my vulgarity, making me very ashamed and causing me to cry. He then called my parents and tells them about the incident, telling them he is sending home a written report of what happened. My parents read the report, leave the room, come baack and give me a quiet-but-firm talking-to talking-to about respecting girls.

6 years later, my mom finds the report the teacher sent home with me and shows it to me, laughing. All of the feelings from that day come back and I yell at her for bringing up one of the most humiliating things I'd been subjected to by a teacher. My mom is completely taken aback and tells me that the reason she and dad left the room was because they didn't want to burst into laughter in front of me because they thought the whole thing was silly.

The embarrassments that I regret the most are the ones that occurred because I was being an asshole douchebag, rather than the ones that happened because I was just naive, or that were due to chance or the malice of others.

Actually the embarrasments I regret the most - and consequently recall the most often - are the ones where I was naive and could have avoided the embarrasment if I'd just kept my mouth shut for a few seconds.

19. joined a mormon scout troop because i kept getting the shit kicked out of me in the catholic one. kids kept calling me a fag. i asked my mom what a fag was, and she told me it was something that started fires. next time kids called me a fag, i agreed. i started fires. not only that: i told them i was probably a better fag than them.

two weeks later the mormon scout leader tried to kick me out of the troop, thinking i was a nascent homosexual, but one of the troop moms came to bat for me, and argued that i wasn't beyond help if i hadn't "done" anything yet. then the leaders all had a round table with me and talked about being gay. i wasn't used to any attention, and i liked being chatted with. i was twelve, kind of naive, and rather than admit i was just wrong about what 'fag' meant i played off as being gay -- still not knowing exactly what it meant -- for most of the next year. i took it as a badge of my individuality. it wasn't until after i quit the group that i realized exactly what i'd been doing / saying, and to this day whenever i see somebody from that troop or church i am really, really shy.

p.s.: camp that year sucked, nobody would be my tentmate. i had to sleep alone at the edge of the grounds. people kept putting rubber cement in my hair. interestingly, and kind of yuckily, quite a few of the other campers wanted to be in my shower group.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v208/jcoombs/1993-me-camp.jpg

Thank god our camp assigned cabins or I'd have been sleeping on the floating dock. Ugh, remy. :(

jesus christ I had a boring childhood

and god bless it

Tracer, you clearly had a good pick for a 1st-grade crush, but I'm not sure how I feel about this as an instructor evaluation:

Very easy, very helpful, and very good looking

The more you look at it, the more the "easy" does a Magic-Eye thing and takes on various dimensions

lol @ very easy, what the hell kind of evaluation is this

18. i was in maybe 5th or 6th grade went to a "computer camp" during the summer at a local community college. last day, some of the older kids are joking around and i can't stop laughing, and i pee my pants a little. i go to the bathroom to try and somehow rectify the situation, and of course walk into the women's bathroom. i think some girl was coming out and i was totally mortified.

17. I started my period on a night that my parents were leaving to go to a dinner party. My mom was very emotional about it, gave a touching talk about becoming a woman. I was having none of that & was exceptionally pissed off. I made her promise to not tell dad and, when i saw how huge pads were, I cut it in half & left tufts of cotton everywhere I walked. The next morning my dad called me downstairs for a "talk." I came down & he immediately started talking about what it meant for me to transform into a woman and how proud he was of me (etc., etc., I don't remember the rest b/c I was a mixture of mortified and pissed that my mom broke her promise). In hindsight: minor embarrassment. At the time it felt major.

chaki = mah hero

16. in high school, my mom forces me to try a sport so i choose track and go to the first meeting. i didn't know there would be actual running that day and so i showed up in my normal metalhead gear, jeans and steel-toed boots. so i was forced to run around the track in boots and the jocks laughed.

a week later i skipped track practice and was hanging out with my burnout friends, who were smoking (i wasn't). the track team ran by and told the coach that i was smoking, so i got kicked off (thank god).

15. While visiting a friend's condo, we notice a horrible smell in the stairway that seems to be working its way into their unit. Figuring someone let a trash bag leak onto the steps, our friends draft a stern "clean up after yourselves!" letter under the rubric of their positions as head of the condo association that is on the verge of being posted when I realize that, on the way over, I'd stepped in pungent dog shit and was tracking it all over their building.

14. Had a sleepover & we played "Girl Talk." I spin & land on "call your crush & sing him a song." I call said crush. His mom, who works at my elementary school, answers the phone & I ask to speak to Nathan. Nathan gets on, I explain that I am playing a game with friends & we have to call someone in our class & sing to them so I proceed to sing something (I can't remember what). All of this is very embarrassing & I'm sure I squeal & hang up midway or something. What's worse is that I find out on Monday that his mom was listening THE ENTIRE TIME and she gleefully relates the entire story LOUDLY to my 5th grade teacher on Monday in front of everyone. Nathan & I both turn red. We never end up dating.

What was Nathan's mom doing at school?

she worked there!

Oh, I missed that!

13. this happened last week. training at new job. sitting with former job-holder, she's working on the computer. i sneeze really loudly. surprised, she SCREAMS. all of my new officemates burst into laughter.

i asked my mom what a fag was, and she told me it was something that started fires. next time kids called me a fag, i agreed. i started fires. not only that: i told them i was probably a better fag than them.

You should start a "thanks, mom" thread with this, Remy.

12. At age 13, rode a bike over a wooden bridge over a lake in France, front wheel got stuck between two planks, the bike swing forward and propelled me into the water, from which I emerged covered in mud and weeds with two middle-aged French fishermen on the banks rolling around laughing uncontrollably.

11. Went on date to local chippy with a girl from school, aged about 14, then mistakenly poured sugar and vinegar all over them. Ate two thirds of them, too embarrassed to admit what I'd done, until the moment when she nicked one and ate it. At the time, this was the worst moment of my life.

THIS THREAD SLAYS ME !

10. In fourth grade our teacher had read us some selections from The Hobbit and asked us to create our own characters to inhabit Tolkien's world. I spent the whole time assisgned drawing a really intricate dwarf with all these weapons and belts and stuff. I was very impressed with my drawings and volunteered to present mine to the class first. The teacher asked me my character's name, something I hadn't thought about at all in my feverish rush to finish the drawing. So I tossed out the first (very unoriginal) name that popped into my head and introduced my dwarf, Dildo Daggins. The red-faced teacher immediately walked out of the room as a couple scattered kids started to chuckle.

lololololol

and here you are, writing Hobbit-pr0n scripts for a living

okay I just laughed out loud at that and now my coworkers are looking at me funny

omg awesome

9. Two years ago, drunkenly taking a piss in a street on my way home from the pub. Suddenly, when I'm long past the point of return, a group of teenage girls walk round the corner on the other side of the road, at the precise moment I'm caught in the glare of a passing car's headlights which I then realise is illuminating me and projecting a large silhouette of me urinating onto the wall behind me.

8. Not me, but I laughed really hard. On a middle school gym field trip to Taum Sauk Mountain, the tallest point in Missouri, a really really fat girl, maybe 450-500 pounds or so, hurt her leg really badly in the middle of the trail. The trail normally took about 3 hours to walk. At first, they tried to get her to walk with the assistance of 2 other people. That worked for about 5 minutes, until she became exhausted and collapsed on the side of the trail, sweating. So 5 of the biggest guys in the class picked her up and tried to carry her. But she was too big to carry, even when a few more guys came to help.

Eventually the rest of the class was waiting at the end of the trail for a long time, wondering when the girl would emerge out of the forest with her team of 8th grade boys carrying her. The sun went down. Then a pick-up truck came and somehow drove down the trail, which was actually pretty rocky and rough. About an hour later the pick-up came out of the woods with the fat girl in the back. She was crying really hard.

:(

Maybe you had to be there...?

#8 is kind of against the spirit of the thread...

7. Reading the orgy scene in Atomised on the bus, then realising the old woman next to me is reading it over my shoulder and looking disapproving.

Oh...um, I was joking.

6. Posting number 8.

Well played!

5. Age 5 or 6 maybe? After watching Top Gun: "Dad, what's dog shit?"

#69 happened to me too!!

4. walking in on my parents having sex and for some reason not immediately leaving

3. Having friends over for sleepovers and cringing while they all listened to the loud, ostentatious sex noises coming through the wall adjacent to my parents' bedroom.

(i wanted to save parents sex stories for the top 5)

most parental-sex is sort of MAJOR embarrassment tho

2. Got absolutely hammered on one occasion and passed out at home, woken up hours later to the slow realisation my housemate is repeatedly hitting me, and the horrifying realisation that I had sleptwalked into his bed, naked.

1. 12 years old. i was embarrassed to start shaving, but also self-conscious about my crustache. so i put a little hair gel on it to smooth it down. this caused my face to glow a little shiny, and i earned the nickname monkey-lips for two weeks

accidentally called bilbo "dildo" in 7th grade
tucked pantyhose into skirt in 8th grade
asked some loser hippie to make out once and he rejected me
passed out in my friends' dog bed a few weeks ago

4. walking in on my parents having sex and for some reason not immediately leaving

I'm trying to imagine the mechanics of this.

"Oh, hi. I was just going to see if you could sign this permission sli-- I'll just sit here and wait till you have a second."

xpost Mandee's capper is a beaut

oh and in 4th grade i had a friend named chantal who looked exactly like me except she was considerably dumber. one night she stayed the night at my house and we decided to go into my parents room to ask them some dumb question at like 4 in the morning... my mom was all out of it and after we left my parents room chantal asks: "do you think your parents were making love?"

in fact come to think of it she said "making love" a lot for a 9 year old.

oh also there is this home video from christmas of 1987 wherein i show off the barbies i received from santa and i refer to "ken's penis" - for like ten years i would be completely embarassed everytime someone reminded me about that.

agh I forgot about the cooking show

also this:

I was in a crowded theater watching a quiet scene of The Toy in 1982 when someone behind us and to the right let out the most horrid, juciest fart. The entire theater turned in that direction and laughed.

happened to my friend's dad during the final scene of cries and whispers (ca. 72 at film forum i think)

(by which i mean my friend's dad was the one who ripped the fart)

got so drunk that i threw up on my girlfriend's bed. then on her floor. then in her shower.

(srsly, fuck shot checkers)

-5. finding parental sex toy stash while hunting for something in their room

-6. threw up on my OCD japanese roommate's laptop, then shut the screen so he wouldn't see it.

-7 - threw up un a bath and didn't realise, thereby leaving it for someone else to clear up.

un = in
me = duh

I'm trying to imagine the mechanics of this.

"Oh, hi. I was just going to see if you could sign this permission sli-- I'll just sit here and wait till you have a second."

it was like 6AM, they were naked, doing it, i walked in, saw what was going on, walked to the other side of the room and stood facing the corner until i felt sure they were clothed.

Reversing didn't seem like a good idea?

-8. forgetting all about doing -4.

-9. during the testicle examination part of a medical checkup, some guy drives a lawnmower past the window

-10. In my senior year of high school, I became suddenly desperate to join an athletic team to round out my college applications. Because I was obviously temporarily insane, I joined the swim team. I know how to swim, but I am the least muscular person on the face of the planet. My first meet, my first event, I dive off the diving board but I do NOT successfully dive into the water. I hit the water FLAT. Did incredibly atrocious the rest of the event, obviously (I think I was actually disqualified for swimming so poorly), and my thighs were red from hitting the water for an hour afterwards.

Nickalicious's posts just killed me with cuteness.

-11. first time i ever got reallllllll drunk in high school, visiting a friend at johns hopkins, playing drinking games with lots of stuff that was much, much stronger than beer, eventually ended up lying on my side on her bathroom floor all night, obstructing the doorway such that everyone had to pee with the door open while practically standing right on top of me

-12. when i was in fifth grade or so, ca. 1995, it was the big thing for guys to do the center part thing with their hair. i tried this once, but my hair wasn't long enough and the gel my mom put in it made it look really puffy. a girl told me that my hair looked "like a butt"

-13. walked in on grandma putting on her bra

hahaha xpost

-14. wearing a sundress while walking down sunset blvd. near gower gulch, at high noon and the street was really busy, the elastic in my very old pair of undies totally gave way and suddenly the underpants are around my ankles. I had no idea what to do so I calmly stepped out of them and kept walking not daring to look any where except down at my feet. I was beet red in the face when I heard someone laughing so loud behind me.

i only wish that would happen

i mean except for the fact i don't wear sundresses or panties

what exactly do you wish would happen?

that my underwear would just inexplicably fall off when i was walking down the street

this should be a sign of virility

is it possible to get enough of a boner that it rips your underwear off

yes

how

if you want to tell me privately just AIM me, i'm bonerwanter

i am so grateful for never stumbling across my parents having sex

Wiggy Woo last week:

http://img88.imageshack.us/img88/5545/shakedownxk0.jpg

-15. In 6th grade, on a long car trip with my folks on the way to my uncle's wedding. I had purchased a "popping eye" from a vending machine at a truck stop.

For those of you who don't know or remember, popping eyes were diaphagm-shaped discs of thick rubber. The whole idea was that when you inverted them, they would eventually right themselves and pop up into the air.

Over the course of the several hour car-ride, I discovered that these discs also had suction powers. How? By sticking them to my face. When we finally got to the wedding, my parents turned around and noticed that my face was covered in hickeys, from the suction-action of the popping eye.

They tried to cover it up with some of my sister's makeup (not real makeup - KayBee Toys makeup). It didn't work so well, so I got to be both "the boy with the hickeys" AND "the boy with the make up".

-16 in fourth grade i had to get up in front of class for show-and-tell, and while i was talking, with my hands in my pockets, i began to bat around my wee-wee, thinking that no one would notice. kids in the back of the classroom started sniggering, and one of them yelled "look, he's playing with his thing!" i walked straight to my desk and put my head down for the rest of the day.

no longer batting around my wee-wee

For the rest of the day? Really?

+17. living in a london loft / art squat with limited space but a decent sized communal bedroom for five with no privacy whatsoever. i am a notorious sleeptalker (would be killed if CIA) and roomies occasionally found it funny. one night i start mumbling in my sleep for someone to get this dog out of the room. a couple people wake up and tell me to go back to sleep. later i start shouting in my sleep "get this damn dog out of the room!" and now roommates are howling with laughter/pissed off telling me to stop sleeptalking as there is no dog, it's all in my head. about ten minutes later i woke everyone up again reportedly barking "woof woof woof!".

the day was almost over x-post

-18
When I was 6 I went to Catholic school, and every morning started with a church service. During one service another kid there asked me to show him how I threw a baseball. He actually wanted me to demonstrate so I eventually did. After the service the nuns took me aside, very mad, and said I had to sit with them the next day up near the front, in front of everyone. It doesn't sound so bad to me now but I was absolutely mortified back then for being publicly punished. By some extreme stroke of luck our bus was late the next day, not getting in until after the service (there is a god!) so I dodged that bullet. The day after that, one of the nuns came to me after that service and said the punishment was for two days and I should have been up there that day (a complete lie, I remembered every word of the sentence). Thereafter my family referred to this as me "throwing fireballs at the priest," much to their amusement.

-19
A few years later I was playing baseball at short stop and a ball was hit near me as a runner passed me on the way to third. The other players on my team yelled "throw it to third" but because we were short-handed no one was at third. I couldn't tag the runner because he had already passed, but I thought their calls meant I should throw the ball and if I hit the base itself he would be out. So I throw it toward the base and everybody starts laughing, and I run off the field in tears. My brother runs after me and comforts me, and I may have re-joined the game (don't remember).

-20. oh god, i just remembered a 'good' one.

ca. 1994. almost 14. had just seen the crow. thought that being backlit made you look awesome. wore a fedora with yellow carnation, columbo trench-coat, and long star of david earring (wtf – not jewish) with my 18-eye docs. went to a school dance, looked for a floor-to-ceiling window to present my awesome outline. thought i was gonna look like the character of eric draven. thought i was gonna get laid. thought i was cool.

unfort. there were no windows that touched the floor, so i climbed into one that was three feet off the ground, pulled back the curtains, stood on the sill and sat chewing on some twizzlers i found in my pocket. had to hunch over a bit to fit in the window.

didn't look like eric draven. didn't get laid. got yelled at by my math teacher, who told me that if i fell the glass wouldn't support me.

You never know what's going through peoples' heads.

Ha, all these years later and for the first time I'm noticing the "raven" in Eric Draven.

It will take a while to transcribe every moment of my life from age 12 to age 19.

OTM, except this stuff is meant to stop at age 19? (Oh yeah, that's when it went from an hourly occurrence to a weekly one)

-21. In university, I have left my laundry a little too long and on a night I'm going out am left with only my oldest rattiest pair of giant white underpants (kept solely in case of laundry emergency) to wear. Oh well, I'm not exactly likely to pull anyway.

I get home at 3am too pissed to remember getting there. At 6:30 the fire alarm goes off and I, nauseous and barely able to see straight, pull on last night's trousers before going to join the line of students trooping into the cold drizzle. On reaching the street, some off-white cloth rolls out of the bottom of the trouserleg, and I realise that I was too drunk the night before to disentangle used underwear from jeans before bed. I have to pick them off the street and shove them into my pocket in what I hope is an "oh, my pocket handkerchief" sort of fashion, which I am fairly sure fools nobody.

(very much hoping not to be the last post on thread)

A week ago, coming back from a party. I was very tired, and didnt have a lot to drink. Walking back home, i get what i think is a genius idea. I decide to sleep while walking, so i can rest before being home. So i close my eyes and keep walking. And then i run into a concrete post, fall down and remain knocked out for a minute or so. Huge bruises on my face and i've come to be known as the guy who walks into post at my uni.

I amn't saying that i was exactly *embarrassed* by the revelation following from the below conversation, but...

is it possible to get enough of a boner that it rips your underwear off -- s1ocki, reede, 26. Oktoober 2007 2:12

yes -- tremendoid, reede, 26. Oktoober 2007 2:15

how -- s1ocki, reede, 26. Oktoober 2007 2:17

if you want to tell me privately just AIM me, i'm bonerwanter -- s1ocki, reede, 26. Oktoober 2007 2:25

i am so grateful for never stumbling across my parents having sex
-- latebloomer, reede, 26. Oktoober 2007 2:34

... so, slocki and tremenoid are latebloomer's parents?!

-23. Went to my sister's house to watch the football with her and her fiancee, with a lot of their friends who I didn't know, and some I did. Afterwards, we're sitting outside in the blazing hot sun, smoking weed and drinking. Some combination of the three starts to make me feel pretty fucking awful, so I excuse myself and start to stagger from the patio to the house with everyone blatantly watching me. As soon as I get inside, my vision starts to go all dark and looks like it's turning on its side and before I know it, I've blacked out. On the way down I hit my head on the radiator, which I hear but don't see. I wake up a few minutes later, with everyone around me, lying in my own vomit.

I hop up as quickly as I can, almost lose my footing again and say, "Crikey, what was that all about!?" before diving head first into the bathroom.

-24. Aged twelve or sometihng, watching television with my dad one evening. Someone onscreen mentions having a bit of "how's yer father", and it suddenly occurs to me quite how strange and hilarious the phrase is!

Me: "Haha - how YOUR father, dad?" I realise mid-sentence that I may have made a mistake.
My dad just looks at me, says "He's dead, Nick."
Me: (feeling very very ill) "Ok."

"Dildo Daggins" LOLOLOLOLOL

Middle school French class, the teacher leaves the room and I decide to be funny and write something on the board. As I'm writing, one of my friends pulls my pants down in front of the class and makes a joke about me being em-BARE-ASSED.

um the eric draven shit is fucking gold

I have related this story on ILX before, but: had a big crush on this girl P@tty but we were "just friends." We were hanging out, joking around, and I went to give her a playful punch on the shoulder. But right as I was doing so, she turned so that I ended up punching her in the breast.

Most of my embarassments involved having huge crushes on girls that I was friends with and never doing anything about any of them.

Accidental breast-punching is always funny to me.

superbad!

I have had a few malapropism moments that still haunt me. Worst was at girlfriend's parents' house after being told they had made cookies but eaten all except one small one. "Oh, this is my constellation prize."

I also once said "aw-ree" for awry in a grad school writing class :( :( :(

I found this great sesame street lunch box at a redcross drug store. It had a bright yellow gingham pattern on it and it was sort of padded (?)-- The overall asthetic of this particular lunch box made me very happy, very joyfull. I was looking forward to saying goodbye to the boring brown lunchbags and hello to this happy little lunch box.

First day of school I stake out my seat at a lunch table and start unpacking my lunch. Everyone at the table started making fun of me, telling me I was too old for sesame street. They called me a baby.

I got very upset, so I re-packed my lunch and went over to the lunchroom supervisor, seeking comfort and affirmation. She also told me I was too old to be carring around a sesame street lunchbox and I should probably leave it at home next time.

I was crestfallen. I was 8.

-29. In my first year at college (LOL) I went to a party where the drinking was way out of my league, beer bonging jack daniels and the like. Then we went on a nature hike on a trail and I had no idea where we were, and it was pitchblack. Then I fell off a cliff and miraculously survived with only scars on my hands and back, and a bleeding head.

-30. For some reason I decided to go to classes the next day. I thought my head had stopped bleeding, but someone in my Microeconomics class tapped me and told me there was blood all over my hair about halfway through class. whooooops

-31 Had slept on friend's sofa after missing last train. I had never been to her house before and hadn't been completley together the night before. I wake up first and I don't want to wake Kath and her boyfriend, so I get up, sort myself out and leave.

Only it isn't the front door, it's the door to the balcony, which locks behind me. I am stranded on the balcony, in the rain and my mobile phone has no credit (this was when buying a card was the only way to top up your phone credit.) I manage to attract the attention of a man in one of the flats opposite. I write Kath's phone number in lipstick across two pages of a notebook so he can see it. After three attempts, Kath wakes up and answers the phone to a man saying: "You don't know me, but I live near you and there is a girl trapped on your balcony."

-32. One day in the fifth grade, I suddenly feel sick to my stomach. Out of nowhere, a total urge to vomit. I raise my hand and the teacher tells me, "Run!"

I run straight to the bathroom (a separate room within the classroom). I pull the door open, aim for the toilet, and barf my guts out.

Right into the lap of my classmate Laura, who is seated there and who, I am sure, will never again use a public toilet without double checking that the door is properly locked.

okay amazing

paul wins

Caledonia's story is very sad.

still loling at "reese's penis"

xpost
It didn't scar me for life. I think it's funny now.

It's odd though, I don't remember feeling much embarrassment about puking on Laura. I think I was just too nauseated to feel anything else at first. Did Laura get to go home and change clothes? Did I apologize, or was the incident just never talked about? Hmm.

I actually felt more intense embarrasment, in the moment, over an incident that now seems minor in comparison:

-33. I have a crush on my grade-school classmate Sharon, but never speak to her. My brother and hers are friends, and eventually my whole family is invited to dinner at her home. Sharon and I go to her bedroom so she can play the guitar for me. She plays the guitar, nothing else happens, and we rejoin the gathering in the living room. I say: "He's really good at guitar. I mean she."

In the second grade we had been assigned paper frogs to cut-out, color and stick on the wall. Everyone else's frog was green, whereas mine was red / blue / orange because I'd just watched a TV special on poison arrow frogs the evening before.

I was told by the teacher in front of the class that frogs of such colors don't exist, and to re-do the assignment properly. My eight-year old self couldn't really come up with a better counter-arguement than "but the TV said so!".

To double the embarassment my parents insisted on bringing up the whole incident on parent-teacher night and telling said teacher off.

I was in Toronto, on a school trip, maybe my sophomore year of high school and was in a phase where I needed to buy patches to put on my backpack of every place I'd been. My teacher, a couple of friends, and myself were ducking in & out of stores quickly trying to find a patch for me. We stop in this one place and it's extremely cluttered & there's clearly a front area & then this sort of separate back area. I yell to my friend Stephanie that I'm quickly going to glance around the back area. When I get back there there are glass display cases filled with boxes - it's so intriguing to me that I yell to Steph "Hey! Come back here! There are tons of flesh colored microphones!" As soon as I yell this I realize that they're all dildos and everyone is headed back to me (teacher included) and when I look up, I realize there's an "18 years and older only" sign that I was oblivious to.

-36. First day of Kindergarten. I did not know that Gym class was right before lunch. At my school, the gym doubled as the cafeteria. For some reason, we had to leave our lunch boxes out in the hall during Gym. I had an red Thermos brand "Alf" lunchbox. So did like 15-20% of classmates. My name was written inside my lunchbox, but not on outside. Gym lets out, and we all go to get our lunch and I've forgotten where I put my box down. I freak out and open every Alf box I can get my hands on. I soon find my lunch--I'd left in the classroom.

actually that worked out rather nicely for you. the dildo is the official souvenir of Toronto.

xpost

I didn't buy one.

-37 @ about ten y.o., when visiting montreal with my parents, i saw a funny water balloon hanging from the fire extinguisher of parking garage. for no good reason i poked it, and with enough strength to pop it off the fire extinguisher and let it fall on the ground in a splash of ... what looked like glue ... all over my legs and shoes.

dad: what are you doing? that's how you get AIDS! don't you know a condom?

i love this thread so much

-38. I'm arranging to meet some friends for a coffee in central London. Trying to think of somewhere entertaining to take them, I suggest Sketch on Carnaby St. I had recently read a staggeringly pretentious review of the place, and thought it might be good to laugh at. In keeping with the vibe, my plan had been to over-dress and turn up in a tuxedo or something - but I forget about this as it turns out to be a really cold day and I only have a few things suitable for the weather.

I meet them there to find that everyone else has thought it through and is dressed in suits and overcoats, and I'm wearing like a Helly Hansen puffa jacket and black samba trainers. Cue the snooty french waiters continually telling us that there will be no tables for hours, despite the place being clearly half-empty. Of course, everyone else has made the effort, so I can't suggest going somewhere else - and it was me who'd talked the place up, so no-one else can suggest it either. We end up standing waiting at the chocolaterie counter for over two hours.

During the wait, I go to the bathroom. Sketch is 'famous' for its bathrooms, which are individual white plastic cocoons in a big white room. It appears to be a single big, unisex bathroom. Upon finishing, I exit the cocoon (still in puffa jacket) into a bunch of tarted-up hoors in Manolo Blahniks and cocktail dresses. It immediately becomes obvious that one half of the room is lit only in pink, and one in blue, and that I'm in the wrong one.

Meanwhile, while the group looks respectable, my friends have managed to get seated. Perhaps deliberately though, the waiter has taken them to a table with one too few seats. So I return and have to perch my combat-breeked arse beside some unfortunate old couple on the edge of a Louis XVI-style golden sofa, and make like this is just what I'd hoped for from the afternoon.

The bill comes. Four coffees - £36. I end up scraping together my share with small change. I don't go out with these friends much any more.

actual lols @ "constellation prize"

Caledonia, I will hunt and kill that lunchroom supervisor for you if you like.

He will, too.

- 39 I went to an all-girls catholic HS. In January of my freshman year. I found a note in my locker detailing how I was being friend dumped. The note called me a bunch of names and indicated that I was a lesbian. It was singed by each member of my little group of friends.

After that I had noone to sit with at lunch with so I started eating my lunch along in the Humanities resource center which was staffed by sister st. Elizabeth. Because I didn't want her to catch onto the fact that I was supposed to be in the cafeteria I sometimes ate in the locker room. One day I was found out in the locker room my the Earth Science teacher. I broke down and started crying when she asked why I wasn't at lunch. At that moment a group of sophomore girls came walking down the hall and the bitch called them over, told them I dind't have any friends and made them take me to lunch and let me sit with them!!! That was the most humiliating 40 mins of my life.

Later that year I made frineds with a great group of girls who I am still friends with to this day. Senior year we realized that my whole friend dumping incident was because I had mentioned in class that I wanted to be an OBGYN which, of course, obviously meant I was gay and had to be ostracized.

- 40 Sometime in HS I had friends over including a boy I had the hots for. My Dad was going to CVS and asked very loudly if I needed "douche jelly." My Dad's from Germany and what the other kids didn't know is that "Dusche" is German for shower and he was asking if I wanted body wash as I'd indicated earlier.

- 41 I was a late bloomer and one day when I was about 12 my bf dared me to stuff my bra. Not being one to turn down a challange, I happily obliged. At lunchtime I stopped by my parents restaurant to grab some eats and went into the kitchen to say hi to my Dad. He took one look at me and in front of the entire kitchen staff poked one of my fake boobs and said, "What the hell is that?"

this thread has me laughing out loud constantly. these are fantastic stories!

-40: ***** 5/5 stars

-41 lol

-42. I was in some hippie-bullshit gifted class over the summer when I was around ten years old. We were asked to "interview" several people about their favorite activity in the world; since we lived out in the middle of nowhere, I decided to interview my parents.

ME: Mom, what is your favorite thing to do in the whole world?
MOM: Reading a library book. (Cue 15 minute speeech about the awesomeness of libraries.)
ME: Thanks!

(later)

ME: Dad, what is your favorite thing to do in the whole world?
DAD: Making love to your mother.
ME: (aghast)
DAD: I'm sorry, did that embarrass you?
ME: I have to turn this in as a school assignment!
DAD: Oh! Well... um... hitting a great golf drive.
ME: (knowing the mental image of my parents boning will not be going away soon) Thanks, I guess.

his second answer was just a euphemism

I KNOW

LOL. That's awsome.

Dan! wtf is with your childhood?!

-43. In middle school I used to occasionally hide underneath the bleachers at basketball games, poke someone's, anyone's, foot, and say "Don't look at my face!" in a gnome-like voice, followed by the most hideous cackle I could muster. Looking back, that's minorly embarassing.

-44: Reading the term "oral sex" in a Reader's Digest at my grandparent's, using impeccable logic to work out this meant "kissing" and ending up in a world of trouble for asking girls in my class for some of it.

-45: This afternoon, finally emerge from my bedroom at 5.00 having only just woken up, unshaven, hair all over the place, in my dressing gown, stinking of booze and fags and vomit, to find my new housemate's mum, who I had never met before, right outside CLEANING THE BATHROOM DOORFRAME.

Who cleans a doorframe anyway?

You sleep in a dressing gown? Cute!

Well her mum certainly thought so.

-46. During a presentation, pronouncing "Psion" [as in Psion Organiser] as "piss-on". Cue five minutes of laughter from the audience.

-47. be damned if i'll say what it was, but it was ten years ago tonight -- and it involved, in some tangential way, jonathan brandis. rip teen bohunk.

ME: Dad, what is your favorite thing to do in the whole world?
DAD: Making love to your mother.
ME: (aghast)
DAD: I'm sorry, did that embarrass you?

Dan your dad is made of freaking WIN.

I once lost my underpants (?). I dropped them in the middle of the changing room. How I managed to do that, I honestly don't know. I was talking to some friends and I together with another girl stared at it. I didn't have any others so had to experience as a very young teenager what boys dream of. *sigh*

Today, the email/info management system froze on my computer and somehow muddled up two email replies I had open at the same time and still sent them. Thusly, my work related email to a QC somehow ended up signed off:

Regards

Gemmayeah

5 minutes ago on the phone:

Bitchy gatekeeper lady: No sorry I don't think my boss is interested in speaking with you.

Me: That's fair enough sir, have a good day.

The embarassment lasted only 10 seconds before I realised I'd accidentally gone and insulted someone who had been bitchy to me anyway.

-51 - an acquaintance of mine (let's call him G), went out clubbing on his 21st birthday. He's in a club, completely wrecked, and suddenly realises that he's about to be sick, so he runs to the toilets, barges into a cubical just in time, and throws up all over the inside of it. After getting his breath back, he looks up and realises that some guy is already sitting in the cubicle. G, expecting that he's about to get beaten up, decides to act first, punches the other guy in the face and runs off.

-52 - another acquaintance (he's seemingly disappeared off the face of the earth and owes me money, so I'm not going to say "friend") got drunk and stoned at a party, then on his way home went to Burg3r K1ng. Afterwards, on the train back, he starts feeling sick, and starts violently vomiting all over the carriage while simultaneously crapping himself, clearing the car of all other passengers. He decides to take off his trousers and leave them on the train as they are beyond saving. Once off the train, he staggers home, covered in vomit and excrement, and gets through the front door to be confronted by his father, who immediately starts lecturing him with the standard "where the hell have you been you look a mess", etc. speech. Acquaintance passes out and vomits all over his father's shoes.

i don't know if i'd consider that minor...

If happens to someone I dislike, it's minor...

-53 - I knew this guy who was a very heavy sleeper and prone to sleepwalking, even having been known to get up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night while still asleep. One night after a party, some of his friends crash on the sofa, he gets up, sleepwalks over to them, and, thinking he's in the bathroom, urinates all over them.

A few years ago, I was in a computer-based English course and needed to save some things I had been working on. I didn't have a jump drive with me, so I emailed the files to myself. Our university email didn't allow the sending of emails without something in the body, so I chose the first word that came into my brain. Not until after it was sent did I realize that I had accidentally sent my English prof instead of myself, an email that contained solely the word "PEE" and nothing else.

-55- My mom is taking me to an oral surgeon to get my wisdom teeth out. I ask her to wait downstairs while I grab a real quick shower. In the middle I remember than my roommate's brother had passed out in a chair the night before and thoroughly soaked the the cushion with urine. I dressed and rushed out hoping she'd sat on the couch or something to find that yeah, right there in the chair the whole time. Embarrassing part came when she waited in the oral surgeon's office/waiting room smelling slightly of piss the entire time.

-56- When I come to after having my wisdom teeth out the nurse lady says I should be okay to leave. Completely out of it from the anesthesia (as I'm told, I don't remember) I say, thinking I'm being incredibly clever at the moment, "let's make like a hooker and blow this town!" ... what a day.

i once signed off a post to a mailing list with:"I don't want to bugger you too much" instead of saying I didn't want to bug'em too much. *sigh*

than=that, grr

-57 Last year. Was going to some meeting I'd read about online, where a guy was holding a lecture on some technology shit.
I'd never been to the place before, but arrive about 30 minutes early, not seeing anyone else who's waiting.
I find what I suppose is the correct door and walk in.
Pretty big room with a loooong table that a buncha professional people are sitting around, listening to some guy hold a presentation. My thought: hmm, I guess it's later than I thought. People smile at me. Someone gets up and goes to get me a chair, which I figure is a sign to go in.
I take off my jacket, go across the room (oh no, I couldn't sit near the door, no sir) and get seated.
Presentation continues.

Hrm, so uhh, dude's talking about interviewing skills. He starts breaking out lots of statistics and discussing some sort of questionnaire everyone's clearly been through earlier in the day. It's REALLY fucking boring. Apparently it's a "learn to headhunt and interview people for major jobs at big hotshot corporations" presentation.
Time passes... I sit there, at turns vaguely fascinated, occasionally admiring the quite fit professional women (uh, that's not an euphemism), but generally just feel bored as hell.
Realize the thing I'm ACTUALLY supposed to go see must've started by now.
Look around.
Various dudes look at me, probably wondering why I'm the only guy who doesn't have a huge stack of papers in front of me, the only guy not taking notes, the only guy not wearing a suit, the only guy who hasn't shaved, and not someone anyone can recall having seen earlier in the course it seems they're taking.

I get up and walk out, not saying a word. Lecturer pauses in the meantime . People have to move so I can get through. Not a word.

Didn't bother going off to find the other meeting and wandered home instead.

-58 Farted in the eiffel tower elevator. I was 12. My dad still think it's the greatest thing I've ever done.

Whoa, I was going to post #51, nearly verbatim. It was a friend-of-a-friend who did it that I heard about... I wonder if this story has made the rounds or something

Well it's in an Irvine Welsh book, that's for sure. Features the line "who the fuck takes a shit in a club toilet?" at the end.

This happened in 1992 - maybe G read the book and in a drunken haze remembered it and thought that punching the other guy would be the best thing to in the circumstances. G wasn't the kind of guy to read books though.

49. Mistaken for a girl by visiting William Penn impersonator in 3rd grade. The worst part wasn't merely being referred to as "a little girl," it was me crying afterwards.

-- max, Thursday, October 25, 2007 4:27 PM (9 months ago) Bookmark Link

^^ this was actually a major embarrassment and one of the 3 or 4 most humiliating moments of my life

-59 - (similar to 49) mistaken for a girl by an elderly relative. I was 19.

-59 - (similar to 49) mistaken for a girl by an elderly relative. I was 19.

-- snoball, Tuesday, August 12, 2008 10:19 AM (Tuesday, August 12, 2008 10:19 AM) Bookmark Link

also similar, but i was 32 and it was by a trucker in a truck stop in oklahoma. after doing so figuratively, i was literally driving my ex as far from me as she could get, going from chicago to san diego. red neck: "where are you ladies taking this big truck?" i get out of the cab, red neck: "oh, you're not a lady are you?" me: "the adams apple gave me away again, didn't it?" red neck: o_O

-60. Out shopping on Saturday afternoon, my dad and I are waiting in the street for my mum. There's some work going on in the unit behind us and a hose leading out into the street, dribbling water out of it. Bored and dying for something to do, obviously I go and stand on the hose. Very quickly that dribble builds up into unbelievable pressure. I have no choice but to let go, spraying some women with building-site water. They very loudly communicate their displeasure

My dad thought that was the greatest thing I'd ever done, too

-61. Thanksgiving, age 4 or 5. Our house is filled with relatives. I'm sitting in the living room watching Sesame Street when I suddenly notice something wrong. Very concerned, I seek out my mom in the next room, where she is sitting and talking to relatives. "Mom," I yell, "my penis is spiky!"

-62. Junior year, AP English class. We're reading The Wasteland. When we get to the "some like it in the twat" part, I loudly yell out "your mom liked it in the twat last night!" Mixed reaction of shock/horror/laughter from the class. I have no idea what's going on. When pressed to explain myself, I say something about just thinking it was a funny word, and how I had a British friend who always used to call me a twat. Later, I realize I was probably thinking of the word "twit".

-63- Once in second grade or so I was trying to impress some older girl at the end of my street by driving past on my bike and doing tricks for them. Poppin wheelings, no hands, you know. Then I pull out the trump card and give this one a whirl:
http://i267.photobucket.com/albums/ii317/RabitesAngelatin/biketrick1.gif

Unfortunately I'd never attempted it before and finished with a move something like
http://i267.photobucket.com/albums/ii317/RabitesAngelatin/biketrick2.gif

that should be girls, plural

-64. Senior year, prom afterparty. I get way too drunk, and somehow end up leaving with a bunch of people I don't know that well to crash at one dude's (very expensive) house, where I proceed to piss on a leather couch and throw up in the sink. My 'street clothes' are at someone else's house, so I spend most of the next day (including sitting on the same couch watching a movie while trying to hide the wet spot, eating brunch with his parents, and getting numerous rides from people I don't really know) wearing a pair of pissed-in tux pants.

GAh, wheelings=wheelies, dammit

lol I'm so happy I have no pissed-myself/shit-myself stories.

Ha, I did, once, but was carrying a complete change of clothes I was going to change into anyway. What were the chances of that happening?

-65 My dad had to babysit me while I barfed until 5am after my brother's wedding at the hotel-after-party a few days ago. Don't remember this at all. I have not drank this much in so, so, so, so long.

Good job Mark!

-66. Two years after graduating from high school, I have temporarily foregone college, and am instead working full-time in a lab at Duke University. Several friends of mine are in school there, and on the last day of class, they invite me to come party with them after I get off work. They've been drinking pretty much all day, so I feel the need to catch up. After three triple gin and tonics and a couple of beers in the space of an hour, I end up lying on the floor of a dorm room with my head sticking out into the hallway (I guess I was trying to be considerate?), puking my guts out and reciting passages from Pale Fire to any passerby who will listen.

-67- Was repeatedly caught or nearly caught masturbating by my former roommate who would just walk into my bedroom without knocking to tell me about the Twins game or whatever.

-68. At a frat party in my first week at college, I get very drunk and end up making out on a bench with a friend of mine. At some point, a very drunk dude comes and stands next to us. After standing there and watching us for a couple of seconds, he loudly interjects, "Hey man, nice technique!"

-69. While very stoned, I start to get annoyed with my gay roommate (I don't remember why). I tell him that, when he dies, I'm going to have Fred Phelps picket his funeral.

-70. At a party, drunk and stoned. There is a girl who sounds like she has a Canadian accent, and I say something about it to her. "Everyone's always saying that!" she responds. "I don't know why everybody thinks I'm Canadian!" I respond with what is, to my mind, a very clever joke about the negative opinion most people in the international community have of Americans, and the fact that many Americans pretend to be Canadian when traveling abroad. This joke? "You should just tell everyone you are Canadian, and then maybe we'd like you better.

-71 probably 8 or 9 and hanging out at my female cousin's house down the street. she's my age but is really better friends with my sister than with me. the two of them are watching tv or something and i get bored playing with toys so i decide i'll hide in her closet and surprise the two of them when they come to hang out in her room. after a while i hear someone walk in and the door close but no talking. a few minutes go by and i start to get antsy so i jump out of the closet and yell boo only to see that my cousin is in the process of changing into her bathing suit and nude. we both scream and i run all the way home, never to hear about the incident again.

-72- My former lol goth phase roommate yelling through my door "NATE QUIT DOING YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND GET OUT HERE AND TELL US THE HOT CARL STORY" just seconds after actually finishing up with my (then) girlfriend. Became less embarrassing once I actually came out and told the story and revealed that I was neither the hot carl-er nor hot carl-ee.

-73. The night I lost my virginity, probably in its entirety. If I had to pinpoint one moment, though, it would have to be when we decided that it would be a good idea to move from the bed to the back porch and have sex under the stars. Rather than put our clothes on, we just sort of drape blankets over ourselves. To get to the back porch, we have to walk through the kitchen, where we encounter the girl's roommate. So from his perspective, he sees:
- a very drunk naked girl who had just broken up with her boyfriend stumbling onto the back porch, followed by
- a very drunk naked guy who he's never seen before with a huge shit-eating grin on his face

^^ there is no embarrassment there.

I dunno, in retrospect, it just seems like it would've looked really really skeezy

anyway, to go back to more innocent times:

-74. The summer between kindergarten and 1st grade. I'm attending a summer program for gifted and talented children. The program consists of going around to classrooms and learning about different cultures. I'm in one of these classes, sitting on the floor, when I suddenly realize that I really need to poop. I raise my hand and tell the teacher I need to be excused, but she won't let me leave. I try to hold it for a couple minutes, but eventually, it gets to be too much. Somehow, without anyone noticing, I manage to poop through my pants, onto the floor (to this day, I don't know how this happened). A short time later, we stand up so she can lead us in some traditional African dance. The entire time, I am trying to keep one foot on the pile of poop so that nobody notices it. I guess I succeeded, because nobody said anything, and as soon as class ended, I got the hell out of dodge.

lol^^^

-75- In grade school, having to go to special classes for kids with learning disabilities / special needs / etc and being only half sure I didn't belong there.

"who the fuck takes a shit in a club toilet?"

this isn't about me, so i won't number it, but I had a friend who always had to shit at some point when he went out drinking. one night we went to a dive bar we hadn't been to. place was pretty full. the door to the men's room was on the "dance floor"/pool table area, had no lock, and the toilet was visible when the door opened. every time someone would open the door, the whole bar got to see my skinny sickly friend sitting on the toilet, pants around his ankles, looking like he wished he could crawl under his covers and never come out. i doubt he ever went back to that place.

only embarrassing because of how totally stupid it was:

-76. 7th grade, lunchtime. I've finished my lunch, and am now playing with my empty can of Coke, trying to crush and tear it to pieces. At one point, a drop of Coke lingering in the bottom of the can gets onto my finger, and I put it in my mouth. A kid who's sort of a bully has been watching the whole thing. "What's wong," he says, "did you cut yo widdle fingie?" I tell him that I was just licking a drop of Coke off of my finger, but he keeps going. "Did you get a boo-boo? Do you need me to kiss it and make it aw bedda?" My friends are telling him to shut up, telling me to just ignore him, but by this point, I'm starting to get pissed off. Luckily, I have a brilliant plan to shut him up: I take my thumb and slide it along a jagged edge of the can, opening a cut that runs the entire length of the first knuckle. "THERE," I say, "now I cut my finger."

Wow! You Are Sid Vicious!

you shouldve shoved it into his lips

unfortunately, my friends were too smart to be impressed by my badass routine, and as soon as the bully left they chewed me out for being a total moron.

77. my fifth grade math teacher calling me "Bruce" the entire year.
My name isn't Bruce. I'd get laughed at every time.

http://www.boomerangshop.com/dvdcover/ImageWeb/TheyCallMeBruce1982683_f.jpg

49. Mistaken for a girl by visiting William Penn impersonator in 3rd grade. The worst part wasn't merely being referred to as "a little girl," it was me crying afterwards.

-- max, Thursday, October 25, 2007 4:27 PM (9 months ago) Bookmark Link

^^ this was actually a major embarrassment and one of the 3 or 4 most humiliating moments of my life

-- max, Tuesday, August 12, 2008 10:18 AM (2 hours ago) Bookmark Link

this happened to me in third grade, too! only it wasn't a William Penn impersonator, it was a British dude who came to talk to our class about the American Revolution, which seems weird in retrospect. i raised my hand to ask a question and he said, yes, the boy in the blue shirt? i didn't say anything, but i guess i must have raised my hand again later because he called on "the boy in the blue shirt" again, at which point my teacher had to be like, "that's a little girl." and yeah, it was a long time before the sting went out of that memory. i blame my mom for dressing me in oxford button down shirts and my dad for taking me to his freaking barber to get my hair cut. :(

I love that movie!

I was at this party in the well-heeled hills
Just the other night
Her name was Shelly I introduced myself
She just smiled and said "all right"
Well we got talkin' and drinkin' wine
And she said she liked my music thought it was fine
She said, "Let's make love, your place or mine,"
And in the middle of the passion I was on the borderline
When she called out a name but it wasn't mine

She called me Bruce, Bruce
I can hear her calling Bruce, Bruce
I can hear her calling Bruce, Bruce
I can hear her
My name is Rick I'm gonna stick it to ya babe

Then again is your name Rick.

Sing along!

-79. Getting stagefright and freezing up onstage when I was supposed to be singing a karaoke version of "Jessie's Girl." All I got out was, "um." Then I left the stage and chugged a beer.

that was a very coincidental xpost

-80. told a kid 'fuck you' in kindergarten, which i had just learned from some other kid. teacher pulled me aside and asked if people said that to me at home, and i lied "yes," thinking that would make for a good excuse.

one of my best friends used to be a fattey in jr. high. he was chased by kids throwing cookies at him !!!!

Lucky guy. He could spend all his lunch money on comics instead, while growing large with free snacks.

(this story was not embarrassing for me)

-81. In second grade, I got into an argument with a classmate that culminated in him calling me a nigger. I immediately told on him. His defense? "He called me one first!"

(I did not call this white child a nigger.)

-82. 9th grade, while hanging out in the hallway before school started one morning, some friends and i were horsing around and i made a joke about my friend brandon's mom fucking a dog. a football coach walking by stopped, grabbed me be the arm, bitched me out in front of everyone in the hallway, then pulled me into an empty classroom and bitched me out more, threatening detention, etc. when he said "i bet you don't talk like that at home" i told him "actually, i do" (truthfully, my dad and i have always had foul senses of humor). he got flustered and sent me to class. im shocked i never got in any real trouble though, considering how red his face was the whole time.

-83. In sex ed class in 8th grade, segregated by gender, it was ask the teacher anything you want day. So one of the guys asked about the clitoris. Our prim and proper teacher described it, saying something like "it swells when the woman's excited". The guy follows up: does it get as big as a penis? And she *coos* back, "no, not neeeeaaarly as big as the penis!" Everyone laughed, totally embarrassed by our teacher's enthusiasm. Note: her line is a mainstay of mine still today.

aw horseshoe i totally feel ur pain

it was made even worse for me by this aging male hippie teacher--basically the least cool dude in new jersey--taking me aside and telling me that he used to have long hair and people called him a girl and it was no big deal

he was totally mr. rosso! what a jerk.

-84. go to see a band's record release show; they signed to a majorish label and place is completely packed, can't even get in. Guitarist eventually gets me in because he knows me, slightly. I drunkenly make an ass of myself talking to someone from Reprise half the night. After band is done playing, in some fit of intoxicated insanity, I go up onto the stage and sit behind the drum kit and try to play. I don't know how to play drums. I lose my balance and fall head first over the bass drum, knocking a cymbal to the floor. I wake up on the sidewalk half an hour later.

yeah i mean in retrospect i totally appreciate the gesture but all i wanted to do at that point was never talk to anyone else, ever

and cut my hair

the least cool dude in new jersey
now that's saying something

wau, akm

lol max, that was basically the moment when i started growing my hair out and very rarely cut it for, like, years.

allen toussaint mistook me for a woman in my freshman or sophomore year of college. in his defense i was a good distance away, fresh-faced, and long-haired, and he's old.

-85. In third grade, hopelessly in love with a girl named Katherin3 Sp3llic3y. Declare to my parents that I'm in love with Katherin3 Sp3llic3y. They laugh at me hysterically, their faces distorting like monkey clown on acid. Actually probably not, but that's how I remember it. I confide my love to only one other person in class (can't remember who), who then tells Mario, who apparently is also in love with Katherin3. He confronts me on the playground, says that she is 'his', and dumps his fruit cocktail can on my head. My head reeks of fruit cocktail juice. I hide under a discarded desk in the back of the school after recess then sneak home.

-86 - not pooping in a club toilet, but one a bar. So anyway, I was drinking in this bar, needed to poop, went to the Gents, found a cubicle, locked the door. It was one of those cubicles where the door is like a regular interior door, in other words no gap at the top or bottom. Anyway, I finish up my business, and am about to open the door when I hear a woman scream (not a terrified scream, just a hahaha scream). Thinking no more of it, I leave the cubicle, wash my hands, and walk out of the toilet... to find that everyone in the bar was staring at me. And I mean everyone. Suddenly everyone starts laughing, and I picture myself as having a dumb "wuh?" look on my face (yes, one of those things that is that embarrassing, you remember it as being off somewhere watching yourself). I walked back to the table where my friends were sitting and I said "well wtf was that about?". Turns out that the woman who screamed had walked into the Gent's on a dare, screamed hahaha, and walked out again, and I'd been the next person to walk out of the toilets, leaving everyone in the pub to make up their own minds about what had happened. I spent the next week explaining, seemingly to random strangers, exactly what had happened, ie, that I'd been in the cubicle and hadn't known wtf was going on...

Turns out that the woman who screamed had walked into the Gent's on a dare, screamed hahaha, and walked out again, and I'd been the next person to walk out of the toilets, leaving everyone in the pub to make up their own minds about what had happened.

"it's like we have armadillos in our trousers. it's quite frightening actually."

http://cache.kotaku.com/assets/resources/2006/09/spinal_tap_security.jpg

max & horseshoe,

i worked @ a supermarket register when i was 15. The register next to mine was a cuet girl and we would shoot rubberbands at each other when we were board and i would kinda shyly flirt or whatever. then some old woman coming through the checkout line called me a "nice young lady" and the girl laughed at me. i was so embarrassed i couldnt talk to her

no sympathy!!!!

when we were BORED not board lol

(xxpost) Fuck, at the time I looked like that guy, except without the moustache. One out of two times in my life where I really wished the ground had opened up and swallowed me. The other time was being bawled out by a swimming instructor in front of everyone at the pool.

-87 - actually... Being bawled out by a swimming instructor in front of everyone at the pool. Apparently I wasn't progressing fast enough, well TOUGH SHIT Steve P... Swimming is hard work when you're the size of Chunk from The Goonies. Actually when the film came out my nickname became Chunk for a couple of months (I didn't mind, because Chunk is cool).

(this story was not embarrassing for me)

-81. In second grade, I got into an argument with a classmate that culminated in him calling me a nigger. I immediately told on him. His defense? "He called me one first!"

(I did not call this white child a nigger.)

-- HI DERE, Tuesday, 12 August 2008 17:45 (36 minutes ago) Link

Once, a few years ago, I was called a nigger by a ten year old black boy who was demanding I give him my backpack (I'm white if you're not guessing). I just kinda laughed and he looked confused that I wasn't intimidated by him (or he was realizing he didn't really know what the word meant or something, I don't know).

On the whole mistaken gender topic, this has happened to me many times. though not until after high school. Mainly it was during one of the periods in which I had long hair, but once, just days after buzzing it nearly to the scalp (oops) it happened again.
Drunk frat douche in pickup: "Show me your pussy!"
Me in a voice that's clearly a male's voice: "Sorry, not wearing a skirt today."
Drunk frat douche: "Ah shit, I'm sorry! I thought you were a chick! If you got tits I wanna see those too!"

Just a few months ago walking back to my apt with a friend, some dude from across the street issues a comment of some sort which implied I was female (do NOT remember the initial comment somehow), and moments later, to his friend, coming to a realization: "Oh man, I thought that was a fuckin' woman!!"

-88. Earlier this year. Trying to get w33d, but all my regular sources are dry. Luckily, a dude I know tells me he can get me some. I'm supposed to wait on the side of a busy street for him to come pick me up and give me a ride to his friend's house. When the car gets there, however, I find out that the back seat is completely filled with books and clothes and other random junk, and there's no room for me anywhere. "Gimme a high-five!" the guy says. I give him a high-five. "Nah man," he says, "gimme a heavy high-five!" I stare blankly at him. "Y'know... a fifty-dollar high-five." Finally, I realize what he's hinting at, and start fumbling around in my pocket for my wallet. "C'mon, Bernard!" another passenger yells, loudly enough for everyone nearby to hear. "This is DRUGS we're talkin' about!"

Fifth grade again, walking to school with my best friend Scott.
HIM: "I sit behind Becky So-and-so for math."
ME: "Um, so? What's the big deal in that?"
HIM: "She's pretty."
ME: "Oh."
The agony of the late bloomer.

Haha, that's a minor embarrassment post in itself, "was a late bloomer".
Me, too. Was about 5'2"/5'3" the summer before my junior year then shot up to 6'0"/6'1"

sinister

are we still numbering? I think I've had all these embarrassments (late bloomer, long hair causing mistaken gender issues) and a few other variations

oh maaaaaaaaan that reeses penis story is the best

i just ctrl-fed that and realized it was me hahaa

it's interesting which embarrassments some people consider "minor". like, to me, getting so drunk i lose control of my bodily functions isn't "minor"; it's more moment-of-clarity-holy-shit-i-need-to-get-my-life-together.

for some it's just a tuesday.

it's interesting which embarrassments some people consider "minor". like, to me, getting so drunk i lose control of my bodily functions isn't "minor"; it's more moment-of-clarity-holy-shit-i-need-to-get-my-life-together.

-- rockapads, Tuesday, August 12, 2008 8:48 PM (24 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

I assume that I'm one of those this is directed at? I don't wanna bog down a thread about doing embarrassing things by trying to justify the embarrassing things that I've done, but briefly: I think there's a difference between "getting so drunk I lose control of my bodily functions (because I'm an alcoholic and getting drunk four or five nights out of the week)" and "getting so drunk I lose control of my bodily functions (because I'm not much of a drinker, and when I hang out with friends who are, I occasionally overdo it)"

... the difference being that the latter is much easier to laugh off with a "jesus christ, what was I thinking?"

i hear you. i'm not trying to be judgmental and wasn't meaning to pick on anyone in particular. it just struck me as interesting - mainly because i had a situation a few years ago where i did something like that and it is something i am still deeply ashamed of (to the point where i never drink heavily any more), as opposed to it just being a minor embarrassment.

Uh yeah I drink lots and I have never EVER peed or pooped or spewed all over myself. Is it a guy thing?

i can assure you that spewing all over oneself is very much not restricted to dudes

LOL :) Actually I have chundered everywhere a few times in my early drinking days, so fair nuff.

fortunately any vomit-on-self incidents i have had have been at home, usually alone

Uh yeah I drink lots and I have never EVER peed or pooped or spewed all over myself. Is it a guy thing?

-- Trayce, Wednesday, 13 August 2008 01:04 (2 hours ago) Link

again, I feel like should clarify, it's not like I'm losing control of my bodily functions on a regular basis. the first time (prom incident), I was a pretty inexperienced drinker, and had recently started taking Wellbutrin, which apparently lowers your tolerance for alcohol and has all kinds of nasty interactions with it. the other time... like I said, three triple G+Ts and a couple of beers in an hour (at least -- this is just what I remember), after going probably six months without touching alcohol. I think most people have a couple bad nights of drinking at some point in their youth, but if you haven't, then more power to you.

oh whoops, totally missed the post above where you talked about "chundering". YET ANOTHER MINOR EMBARRASSMENT FOR THE THREAD

back on topic, one last one that I had nearly forgotten about:

-90. Some time during middle school. Have recently seen the South Park movie, in which Chef tells Stan that he needs to "find the clitoris". I have heard the term "uterus" before, and I assume that "clitoris" is just a made-up nonsense word patterned after it; as such, I feel no qualms about casually dropping it into conversation for laughs. It will be several more years before I discover why these jokes so often bomb.

-91. A few months into my first job I was sent away from home to work in the secondary office for a while. The office manager there, Tracey, was very loud with a heavy South London accent. I was occupying the company accommodation nearby. After a couple of days, one of the bosses from head office comes to the secondary office for a few days. He is to stay at the apartment with me. Tracey, *obviously* teasing me about the boss's reputation as a ladies' man, tells me I'd better watch out, because the boss demands sex from young employees regardless of gender. I, *obviously* responding in kind, say something like 'Crikey, I'd better remember to get vaseline on the way home then'.

Tracey shouts out to all the secretarial staff to stop. They do. 'Do you know what little Ismael has just said?'. She recounts my response as if I'd been totally serious, and cowering in fear. Then to me in a Jade Goody voice: 'NO Ismael. NOOOO. You DON'T have to have sex wiv him. He DOESN'T want to have sex wiv you. I was JO-KING.'

Yeah, that story is embarrassing for her, not you. Wow.

It felt pretty embarrassing at the time, I tell you. How do you respond to that? (in front of her long-term underlings, too)

-92. I think this happened the same day: I have a friend coming to stay in the apartment for the weekend. The boss (whom I still haven't met) has gone out for the evening with clients, but has a key so I go to bed. My friend, for various reasons, ends up arriving in town really late, after one in the morning. I'm really tired and go to bed early, setting my alarm for later so I can nip out to collect him. When I get up, everything is dark and there's no sign of life so I tiptoe round and leave quietly so as not to wake him.

However, the boss wasn't home yet, and during the twenty minutes I'm out he arrives at the apartment, locks the front door using the bolt, and goes to bed. I get back and have to hammer on the door to wake him up and let me in. So the first he sees of me is what looks like my return from a club or something, on a school night, bringing home a strange guy

-93. fifth grade, pretending to know the meaning of "horny" when i was thinking of "corny" and pretending to know what "paranoid" meant when i was thinking of "annoying". this led to me calling people "parannoying" a lot before someone corrected me

i think i thought "paranoid" meant extra annoying, so for a while "parannoying" was like the worst thing you could be to me

Uh yeah I drink lots and I have never EVER peed or pooped or spewed all over myself. Is it a guy thing?

No. The reason I diddn't post about my experience because it was MAJORLY embarassing. :-(

-94. seventh grade. maybe the second or third time i had ever kissed a girl, this time it was my "girlfriend". i was trick or treating with her friends and she was clearly planning on doing something w/ me, though i was totally oblivious. so she gets me to go off somewhere with her and she pretends to trip over a rock or something. i bend down and am now bending over her as she lays on her back. she pulls me closer to her and i end up straddling her and making out with her while on top. she eventually tells me (when she dumped me) that i was too aggressive of a kisser and that my braces cut her

-95. same girl dumps not to soon thereafter, lists reasons as:
1. i am a bad kisser
2. i continually tell her that i love her. this was me signing of aim saying "i love you" like i would to my mom because she was my "girlfriend" and i thought thats just what happened in relationships

dumps me*

her just dumping would fit this thread though i guess

parannoying!

i am going to start using that word

elsewhere trayce otm about the really worrying amount of people pissing and shitting themselves on this thread. like i have been wasted many a time but never ever that bad, and if i was it'd be fucking maximum embarrassment even if no one else knew

-96. Last story from that apartment. It was not unusual for bosses to stay over on business if they had to schmooze clients. But it was unusual to find one of those nubile young clients, wearing only a towel, in the bathroom one morning when I staggered in in my shorts. The boss (another whom I had never met before) took me aside as I hurriedly left for work to mention that he'd appreciate me keeping this under my hat

Yeah, this pissing/shitting epidemic seems even wider spread than I thought. My friend's ex bf used to have some sort of layer of rubber underneath his sheets because it happened so much. She thought this seemed perfectly normal.

thankfully i don't have very many from my short adult life, though recently when i came out to my friend, she told me that she didn't believe me, and insisted that i was playing a joke on her. i then spent 20 mins trying to "convince" her (this was a lot of me saying "what do you want me to say?") until she called our other friend, who after a conversation, finally convinced her. was minorly embarrassing for all involved.

Living in Belgrade five years ago. Go to work event in the evening, slither home (streets are covered in sheet ice, but that's just context, I don't fall over in this story) and decide to get a Chinese takeaway from a place a few doors down from me that I've been to a few times before. New waiter takes my order and starts chatting me up as I wait. Persistently offers to take me out, gives me his phone number on a scrap of paper which I pocket, intending to chuck it out.

Next day I need to make arrangements to get a Russian visa. These take forever to sort out if you do it all yourself so I call an agency whose number I've scribbled down to ask them whether they can organise Russian visas for UK citizens. They sound incredulous. 'Russian visas?' 'Yes'. 'For UK citizens? 'Yes'. 'To...RUSSIA?' 'Yes' etc. Then there is a long pause during which the sound of a penny dropping can be heard, after which the voice triumphantly says 'This is Dr@g@n from the Chinese restaurant'.

^^lol. Reminds me of a time when I had this...well shit, I guess it was a one night stand w/ a girl during a short stay in NM (totally weird circumstances and another much longer story itself, but on to the the embarrassing bit [well two if you consider the fact that it was also when I lost my lol virginity])...She was heading back and my party and I were going to be staying in her town the next day so she gave me her phone number. I call when I get to town as promised and accidentally mis-dial and get a video rental store. I dial again, same thing. Very, very carefully I dial a third time and yet again I get the same video store. FAKE NUMBER.
Third embarrassing bit comes when I find out like a month later that her mom runs a video store out of their house and that I, in fact, stood her up.

xpost: ... and then you were so embarrassed that you had a momentary lapse in judgment and agreed to go out with him, and you guys are still together 5 years later?

(even without that, it's still a great story)

xpost - I was single for four years after that, so probably should have done...

I was fairly lax at cleaning out my school bag as a wee lass: one day at school an older kid tipped it upside down in the cloakroom, and when i stuffed the contents back in a small mound of dust, fluff, grit etc including an old sultana was left on the floor. He proceeded to shout with glee to his entire class how gross i was.
Oh the shame.

That reminds me of something that happened at school. A friend of mine handed me a hard cover folder he'd just pulled out of his bag. I had the folder in my hands, and I could feel that there was something stuck to it underneath. I pulled whatever it was off to discover it was a squashed Mars bar, without the wrapper.

My entire secondary school days were one long stream of minor embarrassments with some major embarrassments thrown in, but the bag stories remind me of the time I had a can of fizzy orange drink in my bag which somehow became punctured, leaving me walking round unaware that my non-waterproof army surplus rucksack* had developed a large, dripping wet patch.

In text I'm not sure this reads as particularly embarrassing, but it was at the time, if only as part of a decade-long series of realisations of social unacceptability.

(* all the cool kids had the same rucksack, but all the cool kids dyed theirs and drew arty designs on or got their friends to graffiti them; I was saving mine for when inspiration struck, i.e. had a plain tan bag for 4 years until I left school, for added FAIL)

Bags again...
After a PE lesson, I came back to the changing rooms, and was about to open my bag when I realised that all the other guys were just standing there watching me, rather than getting changed. I mentally shrugged, opened my bag, and out fell a pr0n mag that someone had planted there. Everyone starts laughing "haha snoball you pervert haha", etc.

Short lived temp job, switchboard operator: "Thank you for calling the Toyota and Vulva Dealership, how may I direct your call?"

I went through a short-lived phase where I was taking a lot of pills and going out to parties with my roommate. I impulse bought these huge shiny raver pants from this store in Berkeley and because I was dirt poor at the time, basically just subbed them for my jeans and wore them to work and pretty much every where else, with whatever lame button-down shirts I had, and my standard Chuck Taylors. I really wish someone had staged an intervention.

This is the best thread of all time, and the Eric Draven story from upthread is the funniest thing I've ever read in my life.

This thread is like the great unproduced 2nd season of "Freaks & Geeks," but even better.

I remembered one last night that I am absolutely mortified about:
At a bar, last summer with friends, my friend K. is trying to get by me to get another beer and makes some crack about "Well, if Joc's fat ass wasn't in my way" and I retort "Well, If your mom's..."
Holy Shit. I am the worst person in the world.
K. "No, it's cool, my mom liked "your mama" jokes too, you know, when she was alive."

oh wow, that's like the atom bomb response, ouch

My mom took me to Pismo beach one hot summer when I was about 7. We did the usual beach stuff for the day and Pismo is known for clams, so we dug some clams since I didn't know what a clam was. We examined them and then my mom said we should put them all back into the sand and tide so they could be with their friends. I put up a fuss b/c I wanted one but she firmly said “No”. She gave me a half shell and said that was ok. So we put them all back, or so my mom thought. I decided they were cool so I wanted a whole one as a souvenir. I hid it in my beach bag and took it home. I knew I wasn’t supposed to have it, so I thought a good place to hide it was deep in the back of the linen closet under some sheets. The next day we went out somewhere for the whole day again, and we didn’t have air conditioning in our house so it was VERY hot. We got back in the evening and opened the front door and there was this putrid smell permeating the place. We had been out with a friend of hers and they looked at each other remarking upon how horrid it smelled and what could be causing the stench. They checked the toilets, the sinks, the washer and dryer but no clear indication of what it could be. Then my mom calmly asks me if I have anything I want to tell her; have I brought any animals into the house? I was sure I had not so I said no quite truthfully for I didn’t know that a clam was a living thing. My mom looked at me again and rephrased: Do you have anything you want to tell me that you have done that you should not have?????? I started to cry. She said what have you done? I told her about the clam in the linen closet. Her friend burst out laughing and my mom was smirking but clearly pissed off at me and heads for the linen closet. She opens it and out wafts the most ghastly smell of dead things. I was sent to my room and the two of them disposed of the dead rotten clam, and to this day I still don’t know how they got the smell out of the house. It was really gross!

man, i want steamers now.

you're pure evil!

Peed my pants while sitting on the bench during a tee-ball game when I was 7. Reason: I was afraid to use the porta-potty. (I'd never used one before, but I'd heard horror stories.) My house was right across the street from the field, so I asked the coach if I could go home and change, because, I said, someone had poured water on my pants, though I hadn't seen who it was. At which point the coach asked the rest of the team, "Who did this??" while pointing at my wet pants. Of course, no one answered, and I went home to change. Surprisingly little mocking when I got back to the game, though I do remember some sing-songy "Did you wet your panties?" taunts.

Jocelyn, if it makes you feel any better, I once told someone she was making a face "as if you'd just seen your dead mother laid out on the table." Apparently I was the only one around who wasn't aware that her mother had died recently. But she didn't know that, and probably still thinks I was seriously talking about her (non-figurative) dead mother.

97(?) - I was an extremely bored and terrible kid (7 years old?). I wasn't really allowed to wander the neighborhood by myself because of I grew up in a Greek Orthodox family: something I'm still paying for. Anyway, it was either a) home, or b) the shopping malls of L.A. Most often for years, it was the Topanga Plaza in Canoga Park/Woodland Hills. Without fail, I'd be dragged to the clothing departments and be forced to wear clothes I hated. So I often rebelled. Because I couldn't be trusted to stand in one place without getting lost or knocking over mannequins, my grandmother had to take me into the women's restroom when she needed to go. Once i was in there, there was another women by the sink adjusting her make up. She looked at me, smiled, and said "hi! :)". Of course, the one thing I noticed about her was the size of her nose. So I smiled back and said "You have a WITCH NOSE! LOL!". My grandmother heard this, yelled at me INSIDE THE BATHROOM, and told me "BRA-YAHN! HOW DARE YOU SAY THINGS LIKE THAT TO OTHER PEOPLE! YOU ARE VERY RUDE!". She profusely apologized to the women, and for years, my grandmother would tell family and friends about how I called a woman a "witch nose" in a woman's restroom, like I snuck in and it was all planned and shit.

hahahahahaha

hahahahahahha

-98 Two minor embarrassments. Some of the 'cool kids' in 5th grade asked me if I knew what masturbation was. We had just seen a film the day before that didn't mention masturbation, but had discussed flexing your muscles. Flexing was also a new word for me, so while I remembered having heard a new word in the film, I didn't remember what the new word was. As you can imagine, I conflated the two and said that masturbation was making a muscle. Much laughter and taunting ensued.

-99 Again in 5th or 6th grade, Jurassic Park or Speed, I guess were the very popular movies to like. It was that period of time where you were cooler if your favorite film was an adult flick you weren't supposed to see. But I didn't really realize how that worked, so a bunch of kids asked me what my favorite film was and I said it was Don Bluth's Rock-a-Doodle. In hindsight, I think that was an excellent choice, but I got mocked for it at the time throughout the school year.

100 - When I First Heard Of The Word "Fucker". This is to balance out my grandmother's karma from the last story. So, in early grade school, this New Bad Word was making its way through school. I never knew what a bad word was until that day. So, anyway, I was dared to call this one girl in my class a "fucker". So, I went up to the girl and said "Alexandria, you're a FUCKER! :)". Next thing I know, the ENTIRE SCHOOL dropped its pants in embarrassment. No one believed i would actually say such a word! My grandmother was called immediately and was told what I said. My grandmother walked down to see the girl in tears pressed against her parents. Her parents didn't seem thrilled to be there. My grandmother found out exactly what happened. She LOLed. She took me home early from school, took me out to my favorite pizza place, and then told me about the bad word thing, but in a rare example, I was treated, not punished. My grandmother was awesome.

1-When I was really little 4 I think, I always had to pee. Nothing was wrong with me just a lot of water intake and peanut sized bladder. I am still this way. I just limit my fluid intake if I don’t want to be inconvenienced.

My mom would get exasperated at me b/c I always had to go. No matter where we were, I usually had to use the bathroom. She kinda teased me a little in front of her friends saying that I just liked seeing all the different bathrooms in the places went. I was a bit embarrassed and confused b/c I really did always have to go. I drank a lot of water and stuff, so of course the rule of in and out.

We were going somewhere in the car that would be a long ride, so of course as usual as we were leaving the house, I went to the bathroom. We got in the car and took off. It was about 5 minutes into the ride and I said I had to go. She said it’s impossible, you JUST went! Wait a little bit then we will stop. Well, I really could NOT wait. So my 4 year old mind said to me, “maybe no one will notice if I pee on the carpet on the floor of the back seat”. Whew, sweet relief. She didn’t notice. YAY. We stopped eventually for a potty break, and I of course went again. Back into the car and I had to go again. So, I peed again on the carpet. What luck and magic, not having to bother mommy to stop all the time. I continued doing this until we got to our destination. Well of course once you close up and lock the car and leave it to bake in the sun for a few hours, urine is gonna reek. A factoid I did not know at the tender age of 4. Mom opened the car door and P.U.! She was so made at me she spanked me right there in the parking lot. Then I was blubbering that I had to go and she said no…then she hugged me and said she would not ignore me again if I said I had to go, but that I COULD ABSOLUTELY NOT pee on the carpet of the car again!

What a nerdy kid I was.

- 102: when i was six, my parents decided to host a 'grownups only' dinner party for a group of ministers who with my father. my parents stuck my sister and i upstairs and gave us a bunch of weird junk they'd found around the house, hoping to keep us busy. my favorite of these was a jewelry box. the kind with the springy lid that snaps shut. first, i stuck it on my ear. hurt a bit. then, i snapped it shut on my toe. hurt a little less. so i figured what the hell, pulled out my weiner and snapped it close. problem (beyond the obvious): i'd worn out the spring, and the box locked close over my wee willy winkie. i started sobbing and ran down to the middle of the dinner party. stood in front of the entire diocese and screamed for my mom to help me free my penis. two minutes and a screwdriver later i was fine, though i doubt for my parents' continued future as dinner hosts.

group of ministers who worked with my father.

LOOOOOOOOOL

Okay warning: this is gross, and sad, and plz not to make it into some kind of meme. :(

-103: One night when I was 17, I woke up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and change my tampon. Normal stuff. A few days later, everywhere I went, EVERYONE was complaining of a mysterious, hideous stank. Mainly the friend's whose houses I hung out at. "Why is it always suddenly stinking in here?" Several days of this later, I put some pieces together, and realized I'd forgot to take the tampon OUT before using a new one that fateful night. I...removed it. Later, my friend told me the smell was so strong & pervasive that his parents had been looking every day to see if there was a dead animal somewhere in the basement where we hung out.

I was born without a sense of smell so this was really, really, painfully embarrassing for me.

Abbott, that that seems to be a VERY common story -- it seems like 75% of women in any given group will have had that happen at least once, at some point.

(The last time I heard that story, in fact, it involved having sex with multiple people during the span of the stuck item.)

"Dead animal!"

But thx nabisco that made me feel a lot better.

104 - at school, during lunch, one time i stuck a rod pretzel so far up my nose, the school nurse had to whisk me away to the little emergency room to extract it. It was really painful and scary, but all the kids laughed anyway.

-105: Same age, 17. I had a job at the hospital delivering trays of food to patients' rooms. One day I was on the ICU floor, where you have to be EXTRA CAREFUL & all that. You didn't really have to do anything differently on that floor, it was just a big, looming threat. So I had this tray in my hands and I had to walk down a very long hall to deliver it. Suddenly, I really, really had to pee. I was trying to hold it, but it gave, and I just peed everywhere. Everywhere. In the IC fucking U. I didn't even say anything. I put the tray down in the hall, clocked out, and walked out of the building, not telling anyone I was leaving. I was too embarrassed to tell my parents what had happened, so I went & bought new pants/undies, threw away the old ones, and sat in my car until 9 p.m. when my shift ended so everything would seem normal. :( I was seventeen!

awww abbott! will it make you feel better if i tell an opposing embarrassing tampon story?

this was quite a few years ago, and i had v v drunken sex while on my period. so drunk that i hadn't bothered to take my tampon out beforehand. the next day, super hungover, i'm trying to get this tampon out, which seems to have gotten quite stuck and i can't find the string. i spend, off and on, maybe 2 hours trying to get it out, getting more and more upset. i mean, i'm practically fisting myself in an attempt to get a grip on the end of this thing and pull it out. in the end, i decide i need to go see a doctor, so i rock on up to the emergency clinic, wait my turn and then tell her what happened.

she gets down there and feels around for awhile, with a confused look on her face: 'uhhhh i don't think there's anything up there'
'wait WHAT'
more digging round, then she gets a little light thing, and then
'nope, nothing there'
'but i could feel the little puckered end of the tampon'
'nooooo... that was your poor cervix you were tugging on'
then she got a mirror and made me have a good look, which was more than a little embarrassing. and i had to explain to her how i ended up in a situation where i didn't know there was not a tampon up there :(

That. Is. EPIC.

i can't believe i just posted that to a msg board, but that's how bad i felt for you, abs.

i didn't want you to be alone in your tampon embarrassment.

which reminds me of another menstruation-related embarrassment: the day i got my first period, my mum telling my dad about it IN FRONT OF ME, and also calling up my aunt to tell her :/

My mom, when my first one happened, made me talk to my dad about it. She was too embarrassed. Didn't really bother me.

not long after that, i left a box of sanitary pads on the couch in the living room; about five mins later i hear my dad at the top of his lungs yelling 'OMG WHAT ARE THESE DOING HERE GET THEM AWAAAAAY' half jokingly but half not really.

oh abb and ruby! Tampon embarrassment stories like this really are common. I fortunately haven't had it happen but my very best friend had it happen in the 8th grade (forgetting to take the old one out that is) her mom had died, so she lived alone with her dad. She forgot about it and didn’t know it was there but she soon got an infection and had to have her dad take her to the hospital to find out what had gone wrong; then of course being her parent had to be informed what the trouble was and she was MORTIFIED.

I thought I was going to have to put dressing up as Spiderman for a three-year-old's birthday party on this thread but it actually turned out awesome! The birthday boy was terrified of me! The adults were shocked and stunned by my enormous package! Kind of can't wait for pictures..

FUCKING RAD

you terrified some poor little kids with your package!?
did u shoot web?

lol no I did not

you didn't terrify the kid with your package or you did not shot web?

he forgot how! embarrassment #54

Next thing I know, the ENTIRE SCHOOL dropped its pants in embarrassment.?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xS9VsnnzZfE&feature=related

what the fuck is going on

Woah! HI DERE, you have some excellent tumbling skills! I hope ur back is feeling okay

I'll have to finish reading all this later, Im more than halfway and I've cracked up a few times

-107. I am playing scategories and the letter is 't' for things in a medicine cabinet. When reading off the answer I said "thongs" and they all laughed at me. (I meant to write down tongs) I also said testicles instead of tentacles during some other game. I only embarrassed myself around family both times.
-108. I accidentally told some family members I had to go to the gynecologist instead of a dermatologist.
-109. I had to do a book report on Waiting for Godot in front of my class. I pronounce Estragon's name as Estrogen. The class laughs.
-110. It's first grade and I'm waiting for the class to go back inside from outside our school. We all took turns planting something for Earth Day. I have to go to the bathroom, but I didn't tell my teacher because she didn't want to be bothered by the kids who already did their Earth Day thing. I can't hold it in any longer so I squat down and pee my pants, while placing my arms in front of my crotch so no one would see. Unfortunately, the huge puddle on the concrete made it obvious. The teacher gets angry and is like "why didnt you tell me you had to go to the bathroom?" - now practically half the class knows. When we get back in the classroom, I'm probably the first to get in and sit down, to hide my wet pants, some people come in laughing and saying Lorax wet his pants! My "girlfriend" who sits at the desk next to me asked me if I wet my pants and I said no.
-111. Same grade I got sick and barfed underneath the desk on my foot. I didnt know what to do so I don't raise my hand til 10 minutes later. "I barfed on my foot". The teacher sends a kid to take me to the clinic
-112. college. I get drunk almost immediately on rum and coke. When I get back to my dorm room, I pass climb up on my loft and try to relax underneath the covers. I get too dizzy and hot, so I take off my clothes. Eventually I feel too dizzy or sick so I climb down and end up lying face down naked on the carpet. The door was locked but I hear my roomie unlocking the door. I have enough time to pull a trash bag over my ass and yell/slur "don't come in". The roommate and hallmates come in and see me there on the floor. I don't even look up at them. I say "go away I'm drunk". One guy removes the trash bag from on top my ass and takes a photograph. Everyone he knew saw the photograph.

-113. I remember being super embarrassed about a story I wrote and had to read in front of the class in first grade. Everyone was given some sort of penguin made out of construction paper and his arms open up to reveal a place on his tummy where you can write a 3-5 sentence story. I didn't know we were going to read it in front of class so I had a potty humor story. I don't remember what it was but when I had to read it in front of class, there was no backing down, and I ended up reading some story about a penguin looking for a place to pee.. and maybe he pees on another penguin. Who knows - whatever it was, it was the wildest thing I could think of at the time.

-114. In 6th grade, we start 'religion' class in catholic school. For our first assignment, we had to create some visual display that demonstrates our relationship with jesus. This one bookwormy girl goes up and her item is a nutcracker. She says lots of things that are hilarious when you're thinking about sex. when she compares the joy she gets from jesus to the joy she gets from holding nuts, i look at a friend and we both crack up, and the teacher decides to go after me instead of my friend. he asks my name and has me come up to the front of the class. 'what were you laughing at?' 'i'm sorry, i was--' 'we know what you were laughing at.' And then, with everyone staring at me, he starts to give a class lecture about the point of this class and about respect, wwjd, etc. The bell rings, and i go home and cry.

Haha what the hell was that girl THINKING comparing jesus to a fucking NUTCRACKER!?

she was into fantasy stuff, it's ok.

oh, and i'm going to add one for my friend

-115. Random best friend really sucks at sports. She was on the basketball team because everyone was on the basketball team. Instead of running, she sorta flops with t-rex hands. she only scored one basket during her entire career, and it was after she caught a rebound...she snatched the ball and did her usual awkward lob except this time it went in. She shouted yes and did the whole fist pump thing, but then she looked over and saw that everyone in the crowd was mouthing NOOOOOOOO!!!!! in slow motion. Then she looked at the scoreboard and realized that she had scored a point for the other team.

- 116. in 7th grade i was the weird new kid in school. we'd moved to a semi-suburban district from a super-rural one, which made me feel like i had no idea what was going on, socially. the kids all knew brand names of clothes and your jeans had to be the right length and there were all these things i just knew nothing about. plus the fact that my parents were vegetarian buddhists, which of course i had to hide, and i was massively socially insecure. so one day, about two months maybe into the school year, i got a bathroom pass from math class to go pee. but then when i was done, after washing my hands, i ended up standing in front of the full-length mirror. i'm not sure why, but i started dancing. this wasn't normal behavior for me, and i can't remember what would have inspired it. but suddenly of course in walks this other kid from my math class, named david. he was a hanger-on with the clique of rich kids who rode my bus and had become my nemeses (they had sized me up as a weirdo in embarrassing clothes from day one). "what are you doing?" he asked, and started to laugh. "are you dancing?" i turned beet red, said, "no, nothing," and ran out and back to math class. but then a few minutes later, david came back from the bathroom and i heard him start telling other kids that i'd been dancing in the bathroom and everyone started laughing. i just pretended not to hear.

lol

-117. another new kid story...so this one geeky kid, david, starts catholic school during fifth grade. he comes in the middle of the school year and on his first day, things are pretty normal. then we do the lunch call, where you either say, 'hot,' if you want a hot lunch, 'cold' if you want a sandwich or 'nothing' if you brought your own...everyone goes. Kaitlin? "Hot." Andrew? "Hot." Chris? "Nothing." David?
*pause*
David?
"I'm feeeeeling...HOT! HOT! HOT!" + a little dancing
*silence*
Everyone just stares at him and he turns so red.

some story about a penguin looking for a place to pee.. and maybe he pees on another penguin

CaptainLorax, you are the creator of Pingu and I claim my prize...

hahahaha david is awesome

whoops, turns out i was singing along to the oblivians "strong come on" out loud.

I think about that person probably once every three weeks or so.

-- Pleasant Plains, Thursday, October 25, 2007 9:14 PM (1 minute ago) Bookmark Link

hahahaha the funny thing is i bet that guy consoled himself thinking "at least no one will remember this years from now."

-- latebloomer, Thursday, 25 October 2007 21:17 (9 months ago) Link

GZA

This thread has made my day. Printed it off to read while wife watched Olympics. Drove her insane with frequent hysterics.

I love this thread so much. Tears of laughter made my husband think I was upset...

118. I was about 7, in the big K-Mart department store with my family. I was dressed up in my 'going out clothes', and most importantly, wearing a skirt with an elastic waistband. Always had a tendency to wander off as a kid, and this time found me wandering the toy section. I think I must have seen something cool on one of the lowest shelves...anyway, whatever I saw, I crouched down to get a better look. When I went to stand up, I stood on the hem of my skirt, and YOINK!...my skirt is around my ankles and I am standing upright in my underpants. I grabbed that skirt as quick as a flash (haha no pun)...to this day I don't even know if anyone saw me. Didn't matter. I was so embarrassed I nearly cried.

119. When I was 11, my mum took me to her new hairdresser. The hairdresser was this bubbly woman, a bit younger than my Mum, and she was really into 'hair trends'. This is 1986, so hair trends ahoy...but bear in mind that I live in a VERY small country town, and I am still in primary school. So this hairdresser, trendsetter that she was decided to give me an asymmetrical bob. And I'm not talking slightly. I'm talking, one side is an ear length bob, the other side is boy-short. Gelled fringe, the works. In the salon, I thought I was pretty hot stuff. I'd seen that haircut on Countdown in the music videos, and I was SO excited! I think Mum must have just gone along with my enthusias, because I don't remember Mum saying anything before or after, except that I should tilt my head to the side so I that I didn't fall over. Ha ha.
But then I went to school. Sixth grade in a small country town rocking an asymmetical bob? Wrong answer. I was laughed at SO badly that I came home in tears, and Mum, calling on her passable hairdressing skills, shaped my asymmetrical bob into a short crop. I love my Mum.

120. After biking all over the fucking place on a 90+ degree day, I caught a ride on a bus, standing in the aisle up near the front to keep an eye on my bike. Shortly afterward I found out that I had so much butt sweat going on that everyone sitting behind me on the bus must have thought I'd pissed myself.

this thread should be renamed one hundred traumatically painful memories that you wish could wipe from your memory but can't

121. one good friday when i was little we all had to line up in church to kiss the feet of the cross but i got confused and thought we were supposed to kiss jesus on the face, which i was too short to reach, so i stuck my elbows up on the altar and hauled myself up with great determination and a lot of wriggling and the altar boys who were about ten years old to my six all laughed horribly at me and then my family jeered at me in the car afterwards, it was mortifying.

121. Maybe this is TMI...I don't know. But it qualifies as a minor embarrassment, I'm pretty sure. School camp, 12 years old in 7th grade. We went on a group hike to a waterfall for what seemed like a frikkin DAY. Over the hills and through the woods etc etc. Coming back from the waterfall seemed to take forever, felt even longer than the walk there. To make matters worse, I was feeling the need for the bathroom pretty strongly. Better still: Number 2. Camp was nowhere in sight, and I was trying with all my might to Just. Keep. Walking...and not think about how badly I needed to go. We were still at least a mile from camp when my 'mind over matter' experiment completely failed. I shat myself. Honestly, I don't know why I didn't duck into the bushes for a squat...Weird. Anyway. I hung as far back from the group as I could (lucky for me my unpopularity worked in my favor and no-one noticed that I was lagging), and walked very slowly and uncomfortably back to camp. When we got back I made a beeline for the dining hall bathroom, and swiftly removed my underwear, cleaned myself up, and then stole the bin liner from the restroom and buried the offending garment in the furthest garbage can I could find. As far as I know, no-one ever knew what happened....and this is the first time I've ever openly admitted it. [Hangs head].

122. Today I wore a new top to work. My colleague told me she'd seen the same thing but in a dress version and was thinking of buying it. I told her I'd tried the dress on in the shop, but the 12 was too big and the 10 was too tight around the bust. She said 'hmm, I guess we're about the same size'. 'No, I reckon you're a bit smaller than me' I told her. Realised 20 minutes ago that the dress in question is empire line and she was talking tits.

123. Age 11ish. With the family.Playing the game where you have to name things starting with each letter to take on holiday. Mum said "I went on holiday and I took an apple". I said "I went on holiday and I took an apple and a blow job "

The game ended.

I mean to say "blow torch".

Why was I trying to take a blowtorch on holiday?

-124. Didn't know what a cricket box was, thought it was a jaw protector, put it on my face.

-125. The one time I ever played a full game of cricket, aged about 10 or 11 (my club was short on numbers), I had just reached the crease when the guy in charge of the kit realised he hadn't given me a box. He held the game up ostentatiously (shouting, hands in the air, etc) and jogged out to hand it to me. I *did* know what it was but, being a bit embarrassed to be given it (we never used them in practice) and not wanting to fiddle about down there while everyone's eyes were on me, was waiting until he jogged away before stuffing it down my trousers. For some reason I did a sort of weighing motion with it in my hand - which he took as his cue get even louder and make a big show of instructing me in what to do with it. All the guys had a good laugh

-126. wooo. I have a lot of these.
One time I took a girl to the movies and went to the bathroom before the movie. I won't dance around the subject matter: I took a crap. When I flushed the john the thing overflowed and I stood up on my tiptoes in the stall and obviously I could tell the guy in the next stall had to get up onto the toilet. As soon as it started flooding I yelled FUCK really loud and soon exited the stall. the guy in the next stall exited around the same time so I tried not to look at him. I went back to my movie when the previews were starting after rubbing my the toes of my shoe on the carpet.

-127. a kid at my high school got his gym shorts and boxers shanked to the ground when he was talking to the girl he had a crush on in gym class.

actually that's more like a major embarrassment - but it didn't happen to me.

128. browsing the racks at a metal record store. surrounded by crust punks and cool dudes covered in awesome tattoos wearing slayer/celtic frost/megadeath tour shirts, hardcore dudes. in the racks i find "SUPER BOOGIE DISCO VOL. 2: 3 LPS OF NONSTOP DANCE GROOVES" for $2. everyone around me snickers as i pull it out of the bin. i grab the new pig destroyer record on my way up to the counter as some kind of pathetic counterweight.

guy behind the counter looks at disco record and says "you know this is great, just for kitsch value, you can put this on at your next party and all your dudes will go 'what the fuuuuuuuck??'"

"ha. yeah. total kitsch value."

on my way out the door i see one of the shoppers with dreads do this:

http://cm1.dotspotter.com/media/0/81/6/SaturdayNightFever_300x298.0.0.0x0.300x298.jpeg

Well at least the guy behind the counter didn't laugh in your face.

I find a "well, you're sellin the damn stuff" works if they do.

Actually, no-one ever did...

129. Aged 7 or 8 I get sent to another classroom to deliver a message to a teacher and can't find my way back out of the classroom.

great thread

71. kicked out of prom w/ my entire table for sneaking downstairs for a cigarette break, have to do walk of shame in front of entire crowd of teachers, students, parents.

― milo z, Thursday, October 25, 2007 3:56 PM (1 year ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

this is less "embarrassing" and more "bragging"

jesus whiney, stfu.

sometimes

just saying. milo has some valuable contributions to this thread tho.

-126. wooo. I have a lot of these.
One time I took a girl to the movies and went to the bathroom before the movie. I won't dance around the subject matter: I took a crap. When I flushed the john the thing overflowed and I stood up on my tiptoes in the stall and obviously I could tell the guy in the next stall had to get up onto the toilet. As soon as it started flooding I yelled FUCK really loud and soon exited the stall. the guy in the next stall exited around the same time so I tried not to look at him. I went back to my movie when the previews were starting after rubbing my the toes of my shoe on the carpet.

I guess he did dance around the subject matter

that was tipsy

<3 this thread.

I really, really have to remember not to look at this thread at work, cause I actually just had to cover my face stifling laughter all the way down the elevator in order to get around the corner and crack up over Latebloomer calling someone "mommy" and the phrase "somehow got pooped on"

Yeah, the "mommy" thing is awesome.

I almost reposted the "douche jelly" story before realizing it's already there.

"How did you get poop on you?"
"Umm, you know, somehow."

hahahaha

"I mean, there was a lot going on, things were pretty crazy, one thing let to another, and, well, long story short, I get pooped on."

a fart in church.

a boner during gym class.

I went to a small, somewhat ghetto (more in the sense of "broke" than drugs/violence/etc) Catholic K-8 school. ~30 kids per grade level. When I was in 8th grade, my best friend's brother and his friends were in 6th. We grew up with them and had the sort of adolescent relationship of competition and antagonization where you just talk shit, try to outdo one another. Unfortunately, I'm a pretty short, skinny kid who's not very good at sports. Always kind of ashamed and defensive about that, and every day the 6th and 8th grades cross each others paths changing classes. J and M, friends of little brother, both of whom are physically bigger and stronger than me, would push me and I'd push them back, trying in vain not to look like I'm getting pushed around by these kids 2-3 yrs younger than me. One day they knocked my books and my binder, a canvas Trapper Keeper type that I'd covered the bottom of with stickers, out of my hands and onto the ground. They pointed and laughed and I picked it up, embarrassed for getting punked but also, for some reason, for everyone to be looking at all my stickers. I had a few of those lowrider/cholo ones, snowboard company ones my friend got from his cousin (we had never snowboarded at the time) and a moving hologram one of that dancing baby that was so randomly big in pop-culture at that moment (I had never seen Ally McBeal or wherever it orig. came from)

Tears in my eyes over 'somehow got pooped on'. (lol and yr not helping, Nabisco)

So today I'm needing to get into the floor and my pass is in my back pocket, and because I'm too lazy to take it out I'm jumping at the wall arse-first trying to make the thing go off maybe 5-6 times before I notice the delegation of corporate visitors in suits waiting at reception.

When I was in primary school for some reason I was lauded as booksmart compared to everyone else in my year, so they allocated me to do the speech introducing our "cultural xmas carols" section of the school xmas performances.

I stood in front of all my classmates and parents, and read from a card proudly announcing the next "ittal-ian" christmas carol.

Everyone laughed and I didnt know why, and I felt terrible.