Your 'wacky' BBC news caption of the day

I remember a bbc report from a couple of years ago about Branson
and his latest baloon voyage; the Morrisism was "it floated away like some gigantic jellyfish"

Captain this one!

http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/42002000/jpg/_42002704_hitlerposter_220breuters.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v384/lucyald/Watch.jpg
OK, it's not funny but I had to post it somewhere.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/7002179.stm

Should police get more cash for migrants?

Yes, migrants need all the cash they can get

Farm ban for sheep sex arrest man
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/7513533.stm

Police are also investigating reports that the suspect took photographs of the animals before the attacks.

He was bailed on the condition that he does not enter farmyards

damn you mark

it was not me.

on the condition that he does not enter farmyards <<< or sheep...

They sub all the best ones out...

bailed on the condition that he takes some video next time

They should have locked him up, the judge was a woolly liberal.

He hired a bah-rister

no need to ram it home

He's gone on the lamb

"I thank ewe"
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/3/3e/Arthur_Askey.jpg

always had my suspicions about him.

Mutton could be more embarrassing...

Redefines the phrase "sheep dip"

The judge was going to send him to a psychiatrist, but realised that he was a dyed-in-the-wool pervert.

Ewe've been bah-ed

The defendant tried to convince police that he was a vet, but they realised that he was spinning them a yarn...

WAKE UP SHEEPLE!!!1!

These puns have shorn all the humour from the situation. Really, they are shear agony to read.

The man's defence lawyer tried to knit a convincing alibi, but it came unravelled in court.

A man was recently arrested for a similar offence in a secluded car park - the charge was sheepdogging.

"he was later spotted sheepishly buying a leg of lamb from his local co-op"

So where do you buy mint sauce flavoured lube from anyway?

(xpost) We are now rapidly approaching the realm of:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/a/ae/Tworonnies.JPG
...although now thank to NV we're not...

(xpost) I imagine that such an item could be procured from a bah-ck alley sex shop.

Now you're just ovine me on.

You guys are scrapie the bottom of the barrel here.

Yeah, we should cutlet out.

The man had misunderstood the term "mutton busting"

http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44838000/jpg/_44838426_poohsticks_getty_226.jpg
"Pooh Sticks is free"

The court ruminated for a long time before coming to a verdict.

You could say he was licking his chops

He wanted a bit of rump

^^^ I'm sorry, that's just low quality...

No need to mince words

Hope he doesn't go anywhere near East London, with a reputation like that he'd get proper shanked up.

When he arrives in jail, the other prisoners will flock to get a look at him, because they will have herd about his attempt to fleece the judge.

He's already been widely lambasted.

He'll be doing twenty to ten in the pen...

Not really a yarn to tell his grandchildren though.

"Yes your honor, I was naked when I hoofed it"

The man was caught because witnesses recognised his woolly jumper.

Apparently the guy told the sheep that he only wanted to give her a stroke, but it sounds like he welshed on her.

Police also suspect that the man was trying to supply the sheep with grass.

Experts say that this case will open up a whole new field in criminology.

When the first issue of Sheep World arrived, he realised he'd been fleeced.

The man told reporters the incident had left him "in a deep trough"

"Did I know it would feel good?" he said, musing aloud. "No, it was just one of those haunches."

The sheep was physically okay, but left with a few grazers.

However, she did go and get slaughtered straight afterwards.

LOL

There's no point bleating about it.

"When I heard the police siren," he said ruefully, "I knew something wasn't kosher. So I legged it."

He's also had difficulty getting a bank loan - his credit rating is offal.

"When we realized what had happened," said the chief constable, "we just burst out laughing. Andouille couldn't stop."

Damn, andouille's made from pork.

The farmer called the police on his mobile. He has a contract with Phones4Ewe.

ARGH

Despite rumours, there is no video footage on EweTube.

This follows on from an incident last week, where several Premiership footballers were accused of roasting a sheep.

"At first when he called, he gave us wrong directions. He may have been trying," the constable added with a chuckle, "to pull the wool over our eyes."

The man was also believed to have been listening on his iP0d to the Pink Fl0yd track "Careful With That Axe Ewe-gene".

Reports that another four men were seen running from the scene are still unconfirmed. It is believed the suspect was not acting alone, and they had been planning to give the animal a roasting.

His iPod is also said to contain another Pink Floyd track, from a later, less-acclaimed album. The track is called "The Post War Dream".

The court heard that the defendant had also recently been denied a visa by the Australian government.

Why did he do it? Haggis (I guess) we'll never know...

The other sheep were taken into protective custody last night, due to rumours in the criminal underworld that they had grassed.

The police suspected that the man was a "small holder".

http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/41089000/jpg/_41089622_saddam_afp_203body.jpg

^^ why was this never made into a meme?

The man admitted that the experience had been near the knuckle and that he had been a chump.

could write THIS under Saddam

"LATEST: Swiss adventurer Yves Rossy becomes the first person to fly solo across the English Channel using a single"

It'd have to be one of those 12" gatefold ones, I guess...

And the winner is... who?

Largely unknown in Britain and the US, the winner of the most feted prize in literature has much he us.

um, what?

"Ich bin ein Bearliner" Star bear Knut to stay in Berlin Zoo

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/arts_and_culture/8616951.stm

http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/47635000/jpg/_47635915_pope_getty226b.jpg
Faryl Smith (L) is the youngest artist to receive a double nomination

Spain 'orgasm' video criticised by politicians

(Number one on the "BBC News Most Popuar" list)

That's not even the most wtf thing about that article.

An anti-racism group, SOS Racismo, says it has complained to the public prosecutor about a video game by the Popular Party, in which Alicia Sanchez-Camacho takes on the guise of film and video game heroine Lara Croft to fight illegal immigrants and pro-independence Catalans.

Richard III dig bones 'like king'

I mean, what does this even mean?

DNA tests on 'Richard III' bones

That's better.

a barbed iron arrow head in the area of the spine.

"I used to be King of England but then I took an arrow to the spine."

Richard III dig bones 'like king'

"dig" as a noun, i.e. archaeological dig

http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2008/08/10/isaac460x276.jpg
"Shaft (of an arrow in the spine)! Can you dig it?"

"Who is the King, who will murder two Princes in the Tower?"
"Richard!"
"Damn right!"

"Who is the man, who's not shaped for sportive tricks?"
"Richard!"
"Right on!"

oh boy, digging, that's where i'm a viking.

Play set in women's toilet a hit
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-19615806

BBC 'regrets Queen disclosure' New

The BBC apologises for revealing that the Queen raised concerns with ministers about the activities of the radical cleric Abu Hamza.

In fact, we'd all like you to forget we even mentioned it....

Nazi Buddha originally from space
...on the BBC News front page.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-19735959
The actual headline on the page is the rather saner:
Ancient statue discovered by Nazis is made from meteorite

Yeah, saw that and would have added it but touchpad copy/paste is arse.

A 21-year-old is awarded a Military Cross for bravery in Afghanistan after being shot in the helmet.

ow

Baby heroin attack father jailed

Canvey Island school bans triangle shaped flapjacks

the sun's headline for this was good, though fell just short of greatness imo

Sun in 'actually quite funny' shocka...

" myView

By ANDY McNAB,Sun Security Adviser"

Mussolini's Gay Island

Table-dancing MP breaks foot in Soho

really hate their current trend for moronic features in which the headline is a (very dumb) question.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-23030090

how do pieces like this keep getting the green light? i mean, this wouldn't even be published by anywhere else, let alone put on their front page as their lead feature.

it's just a collection of other people's claims with no new facts and an extremely vague newshook. and they are doing two or three features as poor as this every week.

it's not even properly subbed:

If claims about the total amount of porn online are worth questioning because further analysis suggests the same about figures for how much traffic those sites generate.

'I won’t be intimidated by 6ft 8in Pole'

Will there ever be another massive tank battle?

Antony Beevor, author of The Second World War

that's quite a credit

Shouldn't he be in prison or something?

That must have been a hard sell at the publishers.

Publisher: "So, what's your book about then?"
Beevor: "This failed art student with a Charlie Chaplin moustache and one testicle starts another world war."

Producer wins Python court battle

I've heard of Snakes On a Plane but...

BBC News Magazine ‏@BBCNewsMagazine 1 Jul
Would you #house share with a 97-year-old in order to get cheap #rent? http://bbc.in/129aWsH

Sunglasses optional: Essential props for declaring a coup. What a load of yarbles.

Sharks stun prey with overhead kick

Yes, sharks. Those well known animals with legs. Although the headline on the actual page reads 'Thresher sharks stun prey with tail slaps'.

Woman takes horse into McDonald's

Told that deliveries were round the back...

10 curious things about the royal birth

6. The news will come on an easel.

media .. ... front-pages .. (you do the substitutions)

'WWIII Queen's speech' script revealed

My beloved son Andrew is at this moment in action with his unit

knighthood chance ruining snortlol

If you're feeling sinister

Do left-handed people really die young?

Testicle size 'link to father role'

Lions play prank on David Cameron

The actuality is v.boring.

I prefer my mental picture of two lions, one going "You sit behind him, I push him, he falls over. And then we eat him"

All of the men were from the Atlanta area so the relative impact of society and biology has not been measured.

Balls jokes about PM holiday snaps

Mysterious 'ugly woman' painting baffles Winchester couple

U.P. - Up

Badgers 'moved goalposts' says minister

Not a caption, just a picture:
http://news.bbcimg.co.uk/media/images/71953000/jpg/_71953623_eay9ajz5.jpg
A real 'once you see it you'll shit brix' vibe to this.

http://news.bbcimg.co.uk/media/images/71953000/jpg/_71953623_eay9ajz5.jpg

Sewer was blocked by large Pooh

A large Winnie the Pooh teddy, a bike, a fax machine, jeans and a snake were among a host of bizarre items found in Scotland's sewers last year.

Tourism map 'looks like a phallus'

Giant genitalia to be exhibited in toilets

That's what oh never mind

Why have Osborne and Balls neutered themselves?

Come on BBC, you're not even trying.

Jager bombs at final hurdle in Paris

Lesbos makeshift camp 'utterly miserable'

Well done everyone, etc.

Stalin spies 'tested Mao's poo'

Pregnant beavers shot by landowners

Rat in pub 'ran up leg and stole chip'

... like a lyric from a Fall track ca. 1980.

Add a few "me"'s and it's Chas and Dave.

or ub40

Debate around giant rat photo

... I'm noticing a pattern here.

Fire crew used to remove ring from penis
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-39285486

.. But they don't do that anymore

I remember when a fire crew would remove a ring from your penis in the street.

aye, and the kids would dance around in the spray

Budget 2018: Extra £420m to tackle potholes

now they know how many holes it takes to fill a bong

This thread might go some way to explaining the centrality of potholes in the national weltschmerz of the UK.

Local councillors

An alpaca walks into a French opticians...

World War One grenade among potatoes at Hong Kong crisp factory

The bombe de terre was safely detonated on site by bomb disposal officers.

unexploded war arms and unsafe working conditions.... great time to add a pun!

Garfield phones beach mystery finally solved after 35 years

Dismembered orange plastic cats and their electronic innards have plagued Finistère for years

Thatcher's puppy has roof work licked

'Giant Christmas bauble' in Thames sparks bomb alert https://t.co/h8LkGJLiCu

— BBC News (UK) (@BBCNews) May 29, 2019

it wasn't labelled "acme bomb" apparently.

David Bowie to be immortalised by Barbie

The article name checks several Bowie songs, but doesn't mention the one song that actually mentions Barbie - 'Young Americans', which has the line "it ain't that Barbie doll, her heart's been broken just like you have".

Norwich Cathedral helter skelter 'is a mistake'

Sounds like it'll be coming down fast.

would much rather appreciate the roof of an ancient stone building from a helter skelter than a wobbly tower scaffold that you have to nervously climb back down again. fuck the haters!

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/content/dam/tv/2019/01/18/TELEMMGLPICT000001073483_trans_NvBQzQNjv4BqEDjTm7JpzhSGR1_8ApEWQA1vLvhkMtVb21dMmpQBfEs.jpeg

A+ display name

Man brings clown to redundancy meeting

"Steven, a Christian, thinks fencing prevents knife crime"

no he doesn't..

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/stories-50101362/steven-a-christian-thinks-fencing-prevents-knife-crime

Producer and Editor: Joanne Whalley

scandal!

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-hampshire-50486724

Alton's Christmas skiing marmot decoration sparks row

A giant ear-muff wearing marmot has sparked a mixed response in a Hampshire town after it was revealed as part of its Christmas display.

residents of southern town hate unusual newcomer shocker

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-suffolk-50760470?ns_campaign=bbcnews&ns_source=twitter&ns_mchannel=social&ocid=socialflow_twitter

Woman, 89, granted 'big biceps' stripper care home wish

Her somewhat unorthodox wish was granted when the stripper, dressed as a fireman, turned up at the Glastonbury Court care home in Bury St Edmunds two weeks ago and began swinging his belt around wildly before stripping down to his underpants

'two weeks ago' is stretching the definition of 'news' imo

I'm missing Laura K already!

Pringles tubes burnt to crisp in M1 lorry fire

Wine bar occupies former gents' toilet site

Cue the "this is a toilet venue", "the beer tastes like piss", etc., etc. jokes.

ffs BBC...

Lesbos refugee centre burns amid migrant tensions

The article itself has the much less tabloid headline Greece migrant crisis: Refugee centre ablaze as tensions rise.

Profile of Robert Oppenheimer, controversial father of the atomic bomb.

Storyville: The Trials of Oppenheimer. Tonight, 10.30pm, @BBCFour https://t.co/OKN48N1W0A

— BBC Four (@BBCFOUR) August 13, 2020

you can take all yer pots and pans and your atomic weapons and your famous quantum chemistry and molecular physics theories + chuck 'em all in the bin!

someone else one twitter - "i am become death, destroyer of leeds"

why would they not delete??

US election: Do you need Jesus to win the White House?
(maybe because you don't trust the other two candidates?)

Your 'wacky backy' BBC news caption of the day...
Cannabis crop at former Coventry nightclub 'worth £1m
https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/800/cpsprodpb/14626/production/_114949438_nca.jpg

Islam: Sunak lets the taxman take the strain

No, the government isn't going to tax Muslims. The article was written by Faisal Islam, the BBC's economics editor.

Piet Mondrian artwork displayed upside down for 75 years

Insert "modern art, amirite!?" joek here.

Jeremy Clarkson warns some of his cider might explode