Here transcribe the most awkward conversations that you have had with relatives

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Uncle Harold: Hello, @d@m. How are you?
@d@m: Good, Harold - how are you?
Uncle Harold: Here, let me shake your hand. Your father tells me you're a bit of a workout merchant.
@d@m (shaking hand): Errr, I guess so.
Uncle Harold: Give it a bit more. That's better. You don't want to be out of shape when you get to my age. Look at my teeth.
@d@m: They look okay.
Uncle Harold: They're terrible. Terrible. And I've put on weight. It's awful. I get out of breath walking up the stairs. And look, I've got a chest just like a lady's...take a look.

etc. etc.

@d@ml (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 24 March 2004 23:03 (fifteen years ago) link

don't talk to people you're related to.

RJG (RJG), Wednesday, 24 March 2004 23:04 (fifteen years ago) link

A "workout merchant"??

jaymc (jaymc), Wednesday, 24 March 2004 23:08 (fifteen years ago) link


cozen (Cozen), Wednesday, 24 March 2004 23:09 (fifteen years ago) link

My dad's family are from East London, innit?

(oh never mind)

@d@ml (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 24 March 2004 23:09 (fifteen years ago) link

Uncle Bill: Oakland, huh? Now why'd you want to move there?

Andy: Well, it's a great town, there's a lot of...

Uncle Bill: There's alot of ni...

Aunt Carol [walking into room]: Who wants pie?

Andy: Pie, yes... I'll have pie, thanks.

andy, Wednesday, 24 March 2004 23:09 (fifteen years ago) link


@d@ml (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 24 March 2004 23:09 (fifteen years ago) link

'nice people'?

cozen (Cozen), Wednesday, 24 March 2004 23:10 (fifteen years ago) link

Uncles be awkward!

@d@ml (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 24 March 2004 23:10 (fifteen years ago) link

No, seriously, tell me about "workout merchant"! Forgive me, I'm ... what's the word ... daft!

jaymc (jaymc), Wednesday, 24 March 2004 23:12 (fifteen years ago) link


And every FUCKING time I remind him it was actually my brother (not the groom) who took off his clothes in the lobby, not me!

Honestly the man gropes every second of silence so badly you can hear it squeal.

Ronan (Ronan), Wednesday, 24 March 2004 23:13 (fifteen years ago) link

oops x-post, my "totally" was in response to "uncle's be awkward!"

Ronan (Ronan), Wednesday, 24 March 2004 23:13 (fifteen years ago) link


A "workout merchant" is Harold's phrase for someone who jogs and goes to the gym, thus in his lingo an "[x] merchant" is someone who indulges frequently in "[x]". It's kind of a cockney thing, I guess.

@d@ml (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 24 March 2004 23:15 (fifteen years ago) link

He looks and talka a bit like the guy in Snatch who feeds people to pigs.

@d@ml (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 24 March 2004 23:17 (fifteen years ago) link

Oh, I get it. When it comes to working out, you're a menace ---> Merchant of Venice --> merchant.

jaymc (jaymc), Wednesday, 24 March 2004 23:19 (fifteen years ago) link

I believe the rhyming thing is only but one of the strings that the traditional cockney has to his linguistic bow.

@d@ml (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 24 March 2004 23:21 (fifteen years ago) link

I was just proud of myself for coming up with a plausible example of Cockney rhyming slang!

jaymc (jaymc), Wednesday, 24 March 2004 23:22 (fifteen years ago) link

I couldn't tell :)

@d@ml (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 24 March 2004 23:23 (fifteen years ago) link

I've had the same awkward conversation that Andy has had except with my grandmother's husband instead of my uncle, and with North Little Rock and not Oakland.

Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Wednesday, 24 March 2004 23:26 (fifteen years ago) link

Once during a telephone conversation with my grandmother, she said that my grandfather had insisted that from now on they were to have safe sex. Needless to say, I was stunned into silence. Whereupon my amply bosomed granma said, "Yeah, from now on I have to wear a bra." I decided for my own mental health to ascribe the whole thing to tippling.

Michael White (Hereward), Thursday, 25 March 2004 00:03 (fifteen years ago) link

Grandmother*: How much are the soft pretzels [on the boardwalk]?
Me: I don't know.
Grandmother: You're so smart but you don't know how much the pretzels cost?

I didn't like my gradnmother very much, though she did finally mellow a bit in her 80's.

*I refuse to use the actual name I would have called her.

Rockist Scientist (rockistscientist), Thursday, 25 March 2004 00:10 (fifteen years ago) link

ouch. just reading that damaged me.xpost

i never knew any of my relatives.

i go to my grandmothers funeral and i feel like a stranger almost, the mob is there and everything

it hasn't changed any. i speak with my brothers japanese wife and she GIGGLES and Giggles. a grown woman.but, there was one time she asked me if i liked the rezillos. i don't know, the holidays break me.

kephm, Thursday, 25 March 2004 00:11 (fifteen years ago) link

morning after wedding, wife's cousin, in from the Philipines, doesn't speak too much English:
So.... did you ..... know.........uh....hit a home run?

few months after wedding, wife's elderly (in 80s or 90s) friend of the family:
her: so are you guys having babies yet?
me: uh, no, not for a while now.
her: you do know how right?

what was she gonna do, pull me into the bedroom and teach me? yikees

JaXoN (JasonD), Thursday, 25 March 2004 00:17 (fifteen years ago) link

the momz - "What's that bruise there?"
roxy - "Uh, what one?"
"That one just there."
"That is, um...that would be where I...fell...down?"
(wailing) "Oh my god! Did *HE* do that to you!"
"Er, yes, actually. But it's see, it's nothing to, uh...worry yourself about."
"Not precisely."
"Well, WHAT then!?"
"He's BITING me, mom, because I LIIIIIIKE IIIIIIIIT..."

(Only I didn't say that last bit. Just shuffled off into my room and cranked up some crappy pop-punk record, I think.)

roxymuzak (roxymuzak), Thursday, 25 March 2004 00:49 (fifteen years ago) link

Grandad: "I didn't know your mum smoked cigars."
Me: "umm.... They're not cigars."
G: "Well, what are they then?"

(Answers on a postcard...)

mark grout (mark grout), Thursday, 25 March 2004 09:28 (fifteen years ago) link

Okay, that one's confused me. What were they? Blunts? Dildos? Was he reacting to a smell? A pic of your mom with something cylindrical in her mouth? Some objects that looked like cigars? And why did you have to answer him on a postcard? I'm so dense!

Dan I. (Dan I.), Thursday, 25 March 2004 09:55 (fifteen years ago) link

OK, You go and explain the menstrual cycle to my granded....

mark grout (mark grout), Thursday, 25 March 2004 10:05 (fifteen years ago) link

Oh! Heh!

Dan I. (Dan I.), Thursday, 25 March 2004 10:08 (fifteen years ago) link

Strange. My family use the term "merchant" in that context. I wouldn't have said we were cockneys, though.

I once had a conversation with my grandfather, a doctor, about a little something healthwise that was worrying me. I remember thinking at the time that I should just be grown-up and matter of fact with him, though afterwards, when it turned out I was just being a hypochondriac, I felt really really embarrassed about talking about my penis to him.

(NB the medical question I had was nothing to do with my penis. I just used it for, uh, orientation)

Markelby (Mark C), Thursday, 25 March 2004 11:00 (fifteen years ago) link

What, like, 'it's this bit of my leg, about 7 inches away from my PENIS'?

I also had the Unapologetically Racist Uncle conversation. Then he died.

Archel (Archel), Thursday, 25 March 2004 11:16 (fifteen years ago) link

Archel, you're almost exactly right :)

Markelby (Mark C), Thursday, 25 March 2004 12:13 (fifteen years ago) link

yeah it was 6 inches!

Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Thursday, 25 March 2004 12:19 (fifteen years ago) link

I was 6 years old when I asked my grandmother "what's a hooker?" while we were watching some Dallas-like evening soap that featured one, no doubt. In retrospect, this is embarrassing, but at the time I'm sure it was only embarrassing for her.
She replied, "a woman who sleeps with men for money," and I remember thinking to myself that it sounded like a really easy job.

sgs (sgs), Thursday, 25 March 2004 12:41 (fifteen years ago) link

"now, don't have me sleep with this man for nuthin'"

mark grout (mark grout), Thursday, 25 March 2004 12:43 (fifteen years ago) link

I don't know why I posted that, by the way...

mark grout (mark grout), Thursday, 25 March 2004 12:44 (fifteen years ago) link

At a family dinner where my great aunt who spent 6 months of the year in S. Africa was present

Uncle: what about apartheid though?
great aunt: oh, they keep them in their place
16 year old me walks out incredulous causing scene

she died last year

chris (chris), Thursday, 25 March 2004 12:47 (fifteen years ago) link

i was at wobs dinner with my flatmate's family last year and him and his uncle had a 20 minute debate about immigrants and the likes. i kept very quiet throughout.

ken c (ken c), Thursday, 25 March 2004 13:05 (fifteen years ago) link

My father in law told me this one about an uncle and my brother in law. I'm glad it wasn't me .. I hope it's not breaking the rules, but it's fucking hilarious (and offensive as hell.)

(by the way, DISTANT uncle on my wife's side - that none of us are too proud of) He lives in rural PA, which will be evident by the end of the dialog.

B: So, you've got a nice place here.
U: yep.
B: Must be nice living out in the country.
U: yep.
B: Lots of space...
U: yep.
B: So, what's it like having Amish neighbors?
(long contemplative pause, drags off cigarette)
U: it's just like living with niggers.

dave225 (Dave225), Thursday, 25 March 2004 13:15 (fifteen years ago) link

today over IM with my dad

Me: dad, are you gay?
Me: and their beards hurt when you kiss em


JaXoN (JasonD), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:08 (fifteen years ago) link

Kirsten: Hi, Grandpa! (hugs Grandpa)
Grandpa: Wow, Kirsten! You're getting pretty solid!
(This little exchange occurred when I was about 18 and was feeling a bit self-conscious, as I had just gained the Freshman 15, which was more like 20 for me.)

kirsten (kirsten), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:22 (fifteen years ago) link

Scene: Thanksgiving dinner at my parents' house, late 1980s. In attendance were most of my family, my mom's sister's family, including her son (my cousin), who had always had a tumultuous releationship to the family. Their whole family was pretty dysfunctional, so we didn't see a lot of them together.

Anyway, my aunt is talking about the holidays when her kids and my family were growing up, and how she always enjoyed making the holiday dinners. My cousin chimes in in a pissed off tone, "Ah ma, what could you possibly remember? You were always smashed off your ass, face down in the potatoes."

We all did our best to sort of go "Ch-ch-chhhh" and let that landmine pass us by.

Baked Bean Teeth (Baked Bean Teeth), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:38 (fifteen years ago) link

JaXoN, is that conversation real?

@d@ml (nordicskilla), Thursday, 25 March 2004 20:40 (fifteen years ago) link

could i make that up?!

JaXoN (JasonD), Thursday, 25 March 2004 21:11 (fifteen years ago) link

besides, you know it's real, my dad ALWAYS TALKS IN ALL CAPS!

JaXoN (JasonD), Thursday, 25 March 2004 21:13 (fifteen years ago) link

Not quite family, but:

Chuck: (Upon first meeting girlfriend's dad at his farm) Hi, I'm Chuck!
Girlfriend's Dad: (Silence)
Chuck: Hi!
Girlfriend's Dad: (Silence)
Chuck: It's nice to finally put a face to a name!
Girlfriend's Dad: Would you like to see my kittens in the barn?
Chuck: Sure!
Girlfriend's Dad: There's only a couple left. Some of 'em slept in the tractor last night, and I been scraping 'em out the wheels all morning

Chuck Tatum (Chuck Tatum), Thursday, 25 March 2004 21:15 (fifteen years ago) link

Penelope: Hi Aunt Jean

Aunt Jean: I'm not Aunt Jean, who are you?

Penelope: Yes you are Aunt Jean, how are you?

Aunt Jean: I don't care who you are, did you bring me fruit jellies?

penelope_11, Thursday, 25 March 2004 21:34 (fifteen years ago) link

(over Thanksgiving dinner)

GRANDMOTHER: If it weren't for Bill Clinton and those liberals, you'd have a better job than working in a bookstore. Did you know that they found semen in Vince Foster's trousers and it wasn't his own?


AUNT: Mother, you're disgusting. (storms out)

mookieproof (mookieproof), Thursday, 25 March 2004 22:36 (fifteen years ago) link

Chuck, that one reminds me of one of the first times I met my father-in-law. He's a sheep rancher. And he spent the entire evening inserting tampons into real live sheep vaginas. Heh.

He also had me hold lambs while he clipped off their tails:

Him: son, hold this
Me: uh-huh
Him: *sound of cauterization, horrible squeal, and smell of burning lamb*
Me: aw, fuck
Him: blowflies eating out their assholes is worse, son

David A. (Davant), Friday, 26 March 2004 07:32 (fifteen years ago) link

"Did you know they found semen in Vince Foster's trousers and it wasn't his own?"

HAHAHAHA i'm going to fill every lull in conversation with this.

Dan I. (Dan I.), Friday, 26 March 2004 08:04 (fifteen years ago) link

"Nice sunset, eh?"
"Did you know they found semen in Vince Foster's trousers and it wasn't his own?"

Dan I. (Dan I.), Friday, 26 March 2004 08:05 (fifteen years ago) link

Blowflies eating out their assholes!!! This is the best thread ever I'm going to be sick from enthusiasm.

Dan I. (Dan I.), Friday, 26 March 2004 08:06 (fifteen years ago) link

every year I end up driving an elderly relative to the hospital for her annual check-up. I don't She's v. posh, quite scary and going slowly nuts. Last year's trip went something like this (the first bit is usually the same, but this one got nasty:

Elderly relative (waking up from snooze in hot car) : What did you say?

Me: Traffic's bad today.
E.R : Who are you?
Me: I'm Dave, we're just going to the hospital?
E.R : Where's XXX (my elder sister)? Why isn't she taking me?
Me : She's at work, I expect.
E.R : Where's YYY (another sister)?
Me: I don't know.
E.R : Where's ZZZ (3rd sis)?
Me: Er.....on holiday.
E.R : Where's AAA (youngest sis)?
Me: Oh she's definitely at work today. Definitely at work.
E.R : None of you can be bothered with me, now I'm old.
Me : Oh they'd love to see you, I'm sure.

Me: Did you remember your appointment card?
E.R. Are you a homosexual?
Me: No, I'm not. I'm married to NNNN, remember?
E.R. Who?
E.R : Oh her.
Awkward silence.
Me: Did you bring your appointment card?
E.R : Mind your own business, young man

Me : Are you too warm, would you like me to open your window a little?
E.R : The problem with him is....the problem with that doctor is...he's a darkie.
Me: Is that a problem?
E.R : Yes. I should very much think that it is.
Me : We're nearly there.

Me: Oh god, I'm sorry. She' know. Look, sorry.
(I drag E.R to nearest seat)
Me: Look, I think that was very offensive. Please don't do that again!
E.R : Get stuffed.

E.R : Where's XXXX (eldest sister)?

and we go around again. Roll on this year's visit.

Dr. C (Dr. C), Thursday, 1 April 2004 13:15 (fifteen years ago) link

Oh a bit of this got missed out. The 'Get your hands off me' bit happened in the hospital reception when a male nurse attempted to help E.R to a chair. Now it might make sense.

Dr. C (Dr. C), Thursday, 1 April 2004 13:37 (fifteen years ago) link

Mum: Your Grandad says all we need now is for you and your sister to get married.

Madchen (Madchen), Thursday, 1 April 2004 13:44 (fifteen years ago) link

that's not legal yet.

ken c (ken c), Thursday, 1 April 2004 13:46 (fifteen years ago) link

B'dum tish.

Madchen (Madchen), Thursday, 1 April 2004 13:47 (fifteen years ago) link

Ah the joy of confused elderly racialists. Will the next generation be the one that does NOT become/remain mortifyingly bigoted in old age?

Archel (Archel), Thursday, 1 April 2004 13:55 (fifteen years ago) link

The problem with him is....the problem with that doctor is...he used to be in Toploader...

mark grout (mark grout), Thursday, 1 April 2004 13:56 (fifteen years ago) link

I thought it was mandatory to become reactionary and conservative in old age. I was really looking forward to it.


hmmm (hmmm), Thursday, 1 April 2004 14:05 (fifteen years ago) link

I'm looking forward to hating EVERYTHING though, why limit it to particular ethnic groups? :)

Archel (Archel), Thursday, 1 April 2004 14:09 (fifteen years ago) link

to piss off your liberal grandkids

hmmm (hmmm), Thursday, 1 April 2004 14:25 (fifteen years ago) link

garndma: "len? len? can you give t'kids 50p for't paki shop? oh, i shouldn't say that, should i..."

once went to my uncle's pub for a family/local alcoholics xmas get tohether. about 2/3rds of the folks in there started a churus of 'Who Let The Wogs Out'.

matthew james (matthew james), Thursday, 1 April 2004 14:34 (fifteen years ago) link

You are joking?

hmmm (hmmm), Thursday, 1 April 2004 14:38 (fifteen years ago) link

On the Picadilly Line travelling part of the way through London with my uncle (all this is loud enough that the whole carriage could hear it)
Uncle: I wouldn't fucking have that!
Me: What?
Uncle: Look, a white guy's standing up while *he's* (points overtly to black guy) sitting!
Me: Erm...
Uncle: I'd be right over telling him 'that's a white man's seat yer in'

By this time I'm attempting to disappear into my seat.

He then turns to a black girl across the carriage.
Uncle: So d'you like that reggae music then doll?
Me: This is my stop!

Onimo (GerryNemo), Thursday, 1 April 2004 14:39 (fifteen years ago) link

haha m. grout OTM!

Aaron A., Thursday, 1 April 2004 14:53 (fifteen years ago) link

Grandma: So you're moving to London?
Me: Yup!
Grandma: Just don't go falling in love with an ARAB!
Me: Umm...

mandee, Thursday, 1 April 2004 14:56 (fifteen years ago) link

dad: so, you ever try pot son?
me: no... i never really payed attention to that
dad: have you ever tried any of the harder drugs?
me:uhh... no.
dad: Me, I'd never inject anything.. thats where I draw the line
me: oh... cool
dad: so, you ever try seafood?
me: no.. dont like it

there was silence then for the next hour. Sometimes I really don't like my father.

sunjammerr, Thursday, 1 April 2004 15:00 (fifteen years ago) link

xpost - Only comes in second to the time when she awkwardly asked if I was a lesbian.

mandee, Thursday, 1 April 2004 15:10 (fifteen years ago) link

my dad once turned off the tv as he does when he's really serious. (when it's not that serious he just mutes.) And with this incredible stern face looks to the floor and says, "you know, son, me and your mum have come to a decisions." looks right at me. "we're going to make some spacecakes."

matthew james (matthew james), Thursday, 1 April 2004 15:11 (fifteen years ago) link

fourteen years pass...

dad caught me on the couch with a girl one school lunchtime and the next day he put a heavy hand on my shoulder as i was trying to make a sandwich and i thought

please no

and he said i just have to say one thing

please im thinking please dont start into some fuzzy when two people love each other shite im fifteen and its the ninet-

fiercely, into my ear: you dont have to come in her to make her pregnant

and hes gone, like the fuckin batman of shockingly undadlike filth, leaving me catatonic over a slice of white pan

~mine own~ bitcoin (darraghmac), Thursday, 14 March 2019 23:33 (eleven months ago) link

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