Lying in bed in the morning after your girlfriend's got up & gone to work thinking about whether to have a wank or not, but thinking you might hold off if there's any chance your girlfriend'll be in

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A tricky decision either way

― P.J. Harvey-Nicks, Monday, 22 September 2003 11:31 (twenty-two years ago)

have a cold shower, then do some bloody work

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 22 September 2003 11:46 (twenty-two years ago)

How big are your balls man??? Are they all shrivelled and dry like a stale Bounty??? It's like slimfast; have a wank for breakfast, one for lunch and then at night a proper dinner. You get me?

― BOO, Monday, 22 September 2003 11:49 (twenty-two years ago)

I had a day off school yeah, averaged about 7 wanks between 10am and 5 pm, then my bird came round at about 8 the same evening and we had sex 3 times. Just go for it, unless you're making a porno it's not like you need lashings of thick white man milk to whip over her face! Unless you want it to be special or something in which case don't bother.

― BOO, Monday, 22 September 2003 11:51 (twenty-two years ago)

I think "holding off if there's any chance your girlfriend will be in the mood" is rather sweet.

― Susan (Susan), Monday, 22 September 2003 11:56 (twenty-two years ago)

eating any cereal? got milk?

― Mike Hanle y (mike), Monday, 22 September 2003 11:58 (twenty-two years ago)

BOO is not approaching 30, I'll wager.

― Mark C (Mark C), Monday, 22 September 2003 12:00 (twenty-two years ago)

I take it one want has a similar affect to a bottle of Night Nurse for you these days, eh mark?

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Monday, 22 September 2003 12:02 (twenty-two years ago)

Well, BOO, I just don't think I have your staying power. I can manage about 3 times a day, not more, and not all the time. Besides, when I have sex with a real live woman, I like to be fully pumped up with sexual fire and desperation, and wanking beforehand does rather take the edge off things.

― P.J. Harvey-Nicks, Monday, 22 September 2003 12:03 (twenty-two years ago)

I had a day off school yeah, averaged about 7 wanks between 10am and 5 pm

Memories...now the idea makes me wince. It's gonna hurt.

― Dave B (daveb), Monday, 22 September 2003 12:04 (twenty-two years ago)

It does do wonders for congested sinuses, yes. Shame about the taste.

(PJH-N reminds me an awful lot of me, hmm)

― Mark C (Mark C), Monday, 22 September 2003 12:05 (twenty-two years ago)

low sex drives rule

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 22 September 2003 12:20 (twenty-two years ago)

That has to be an anagram.

― Mark C (Mark C), Monday, 22 September 2003 12:21 (twenty-two years ago)

is someone doing a bill hicks goatboy for the incoming guardian readers here?

― Ronan (Ronan), Monday, 22 September 2003 12:24 (twenty-two years ago)

Lube is the answer. Boots do a very reasonable clear, water-soluble one.

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Monday, 22 September 2003 12:26 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't consider my sex drive to be low just because I can't wank 7 times a day and then have sex 3 times in the evening. Jesus, is this what the world's coming to?

― P.J. Harvey-Nicks, Monday, 22 September 2003 12:27 (twenty-two years ago)

Anyone who doesn't ejaculate 10 times a day isn't a real man.

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Monday, 22 September 2003 12:29 (twenty-two years ago)

Is ejaculating 10 times a day a good idea for weight-loss?

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Monday, 22 September 2003 12:31 (twenty-two years ago)

My God. Is that what they're saying in The Guardian?

― P.J. Harvey-Nicks, Monday, 22 September 2003 12:32 (twenty-two years ago)

Is ejaculating 10 times a day a good idea for weight-loss?

As long as it doesn't contain any carbs.

― Mark C (Mark C), Monday, 22 September 2003 12:34 (twenty-two years ago)

Anyway, back on topic, yes I do on occasion succumb to onanistic pleasure after my girlfriend's left the house at a ridiculously early hour of the morning. Then afterwards I feel obscurely guilty about it, although my girlfriend knows perfectly well that I have a wank from time to time. No doubt she does too. Life, eh?

― P.J. Harvey-Nicks, Monday, 22 September 2003 12:38 (twenty-two years ago)

Having a conversation with yourself C/D?

― Mr Noodles (Mr Noodles), Monday, 22 September 2003 12:54 (twenty-two years ago)

Is that what you call it, Noodles? A bit of a strained euphemism, but it works, I guess.

― Mark C (Mark C), Monday, 22 September 2003 13:04 (twenty-two years ago)

a morning session is nothing to feel guilty about, its better than sittin around at work all day on a loaded gun

― Bob Shaw (Bob Shaw), Monday, 22 September 2003 13:06 (twenty-two years ago)

Or do you actually have to talk yourself off? Or cry yourself off?

― Mark C (Mark C), Monday, 22 September 2003 13:07 (twenty-two years ago)

What incoming Guardian readers? Am I missing all the fun on another thread?

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Monday, 22 September 2003 13:13 (twenty-two years ago)

Matt cos ILM/FT is in the Guardian on Thursday, we are being invaded by lefties. When come back bring good old fashioned work ethic.

― Ronan (Ronan), Monday, 22 September 2003 13:19 (twenty-two years ago)

Best thread title ever

― Dave B (daveb), Monday, 22 September 2003 13:19 (twenty-two years ago)

God... I'd better get ready to post that "hello Mum!" thread.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Monday, 22 September 2003 13:22 (twenty-two years ago)

We shall drive them back with guns and stuff.

― Ed (dali), Monday, 22 September 2003 13:24 (twenty-two years ago)

Why is ILM/FT in The Guardian on Thursday?

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Monday, 22 September 2003 13:26 (twenty-two years ago)

Although a huge influx of posters from an appearance in a daily broadsheet could, and almost certainly will be, a good and bad thing in equal measure.

I've seen the Guardian message boards, and they fully scare the shit out of me.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Monday, 22 September 2003 13:45 (twenty-two years ago)

Do tell why, Matt.

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Monday, 22 September 2003 13:47 (twenty-two years ago)

(Tom's going to kill the Queen on Wednesday, tell no-one)

(bah xpost)

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Monday, 22 September 2003 14:02 (twenty-two years ago)

yeah im intrigued too, someone please explain

― Bob Shaw (Bob Shaw), Monday, 22 September 2003 14:12 (twenty-two years ago)

Now is clearly the time to climb up the stats cock to avoid being swept away at the bottom.

― Ed (dali), Monday, 22 September 2003 14:22 (twenty-two years ago)

just

― Ed (dali), Monday, 22 September 2003 14:22 (twenty-two years ago)

this

― Ed (dali), Monday, 22 September 2003 14:22 (twenty-two years ago)

It's just occurred to me that this is the most effective way of dealing with Calum we've hit upon yet.

HELLO GUARDIAN READERS!

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Monday, 22 September 2003 14:37 (twenty-two years ago)

so is this place really being featured in the guardian, or is it some running joke?

― Bob Shaw (Bob Shaw), Monday, 22 September 2003 14:45 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm sort of surprised at people's surprise. It's a British website of (some) note, why on earth wouldn't it be in the Guardian at some point? I mean, I'm guessing it's not a full page spread with collectable Top Trump cards.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Monday, 22 September 2003 15:20 (twenty-two years ago)

ILX Top Trump cards would be amazing - you could rate contributors on statsock rating, wit, gratuitous literary references, number of bouts of mentalism, accuracy of typing and, erm... weaponry.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Monday, 22 September 2003 15:27 (twenty-two years ago)

what about magic powers, I'm not playing unless I can have magic powers

― Ed (dali), Monday, 22 September 2003 15:33 (twenty-two years ago)

Height. There has to be one for height.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Monday, 22 September 2003 15:35 (twenty-two years ago)

what about magic powers, I'm not playing unless I can have magic powers

fuck magic powers. i want JEDI powers.

and imperial walkers & shit.

http://www.decipher.com/starwars/cardlists/hoth/dark/images/blizzardwalkerwb.gif http://www.decipher.com/starwars/cardlists/tatooine/light/images/ajedisconcentration.jpg

― Kingfish (Kingfish), Monday, 22 September 2003 15:38 (twenty-two years ago)

ILX playing cards (Iraqi war cabinet style) also U&K

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 22 September 2003 15:40 (twenty-two years ago)

We need these. Fast.

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Monday, 22 September 2003 20:53 (twenty-two years ago)

but who will be the QUeen of Hearts?

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 22 September 2003 21:09 (twenty-two years ago)

Ronan = King of Clubs

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 22 September 2003 21:10 (twenty-two years ago)

Jokers - Dan and Ally (remember the harlequin thing?)

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 22 September 2003 21:10 (twenty-two years ago)

Queen of Hearts = Kate, innit?

― Nick Southall (Nick Southall), Monday, 22 September 2003 21:12 (twenty-two years ago)

ILX Tarot!

― tokyo rosemary (rosemary), Monday, 22 September 2003 21:14 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh, I'll totally be death then. Thx.

― Kim (Kim), Monday, 22 September 2003 21:16 (twenty-two years ago)

i guess im the "rules for stud poker" card

― Bob Shaw (Bob Shaw), Monday, 22 September 2003 21:17 (twenty-two years ago)

fuck, you stole my joke

― Kingfish (Kingfish), Monday, 22 September 2003 21:30 (twenty-two years ago)

Please don't bring up the harlequin thing, it still haunts my nightmares.

― Ally (mlescaut), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 00:49 (twenty-two years ago)

this thread qn is one of those previously-unchronicled sexual details i was saying on the other thread that writers should write more about, along with the exaggerated mental horror of having masturbated a couple hours before an totally-unexpected sexual encounter... ile doesnt cause a prescient (or reminiscent) 'oh, jesus, god...fuck...' from me nearly enough

― trife (simon_tr), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 00:56 (twenty-two years ago)

of course there are nonsexual examples of that too, like haikunyms 'when did my life become a shadow-play by beckett?' lament

― trife (simon_tr), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 00:57 (twenty-two years ago)

I find self-pleasure just primes the pump. The more you spend, the more you have to spend.

― Pete Scholtes, Tuesday, 23 September 2003 01:12 (twenty-two years ago)

Thanks, Confucious.

― Ally (mlescaut), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 01:13 (twenty-two years ago)

That's only true for girls anyway. Stupid.

― Kim (Kim), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 01:15 (twenty-two years ago)

ally why should you disturb the cat when it plays with an imaginary bit of string? trife is the guy in the corner who doesn't fit in, and therefore feels the need to mock and look down on everyone else

― trife (simon_tr), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 01:16 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah, my bad, I'm sorry, continue what you are doing. Forget I said that Confucious thing. I'm completely out of line!

― Ally (mlescaut), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 01:17 (twenty-two years ago)

is there a reason why boys produce so much um spenditure anyway? like, does nature want men to be impregnating two women a day? i suspect i'll be waiting a while for a convenient evolutionary response to overpopulation though

― trife (simon_tr), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 01:18 (twenty-two years ago)

convenient evolutionary responses to overpopulation: invention of birth control pill vs smallpox FITE

― trife (simon_tr), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 01:20 (twenty-two years ago)

I think we're using it, like now.

― Kim (Kim), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 01:20 (twenty-two years ago)

don't overlook polio.

― Ally (mlescaut), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 01:21 (twenty-two years ago)

have your cake and eat it. wank now, and if your girlfriends horny when she comes home, give her hot love too.

― The Lady Ms Lurex (lucylurex), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 01:23 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah - give her some vitamin meat!

(sorry,sorry... anyone who's seen the most recent Harvey's Hamburgers tray liners will understand)

― Kim (Kim), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 01:27 (twenty-two years ago)

"i suspect i'll be waiting a while for a convenient evolutionary response to overpopulation though"

total ecological collapse?? soon enough!

― g--ff c-nn-n (gcannon), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 01:36 (twenty-two years ago)

Kim, you're a big herv.

― Mr Noodles (Mr Noodles), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 01:45 (twenty-two years ago)

No no, I'm a busty woman with a vitamin meat deficiency! Please save me!

― Kim (Kim), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 01:54 (twenty-two years ago)

The thread question is remarkably OTM. I've had that thought process before, but never really realised it.

― Andrew (enneff), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 02:43 (twenty-two years ago)

trifes example is totally otm too. also slipping into comfortable-relationship style discussion of sex act while with someone whom you do not have that rapport with. "i'll put in some work... er i mean enjoy myself i mean... oh shit forget i said anything and kiss me"

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 03:23 (twenty-two years ago)

can we talk abt the sneaky bathroom trip you make towards the end of the night when the evening is going well and want to make sure everythings ok down there and theres no, like, pieces of underwear lint or anything stuck to you? cmon lets to go into t.m.i. territory people!!

― trife (simon_tr), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 04:15 (twenty-two years ago)

haha yeah and more importantly so you don't get distracted by the call of nature in the middle of events.

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 04:20 (twenty-two years ago)

or trying to sleep afterwards when you really really have to pee (as males always do bcz of some weird urethra science thing) and youre getting like elbowed in the bladder but you dont know if you could find the bathroom in the dark!!

― trife (simon_tr), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 04:23 (twenty-two years ago)

that happened to my girlfriend during my first time..."sorry REALLY have to pee"...being drunk was a factor I'm sure.
Also, she was on the rag. Is that TMI enough for ya?

(x-post)

― oops (Oops), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 04:26 (twenty-two years ago)

oh god lets not bring menstruating first-times into it

― trife (simon_tr), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 04:28 (twenty-two years ago)

thank god for the cup

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 04:32 (twenty-two years ago)

hmm, what about lying there afterwards in a too small bed and radiating an uncomfortably feverish amount of body heat because you are drunk and rapidly dehydrating and basically feeling really sick but not wanting to move away because that would be cold and harsh and yet their arm feels like some kind of steaming kitchen appliance that must be moved away!

― minna (minna), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 04:54 (twenty-two years ago)

or they snuggle over you to go to sleep and you... can't... breathe...

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 05:02 (twenty-two years ago)

haha i think i have done that :-/

― minna (minna), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 05:04 (twenty-two years ago)

what abt waking up to previously unseen roommates in their room!! grr

― trife (simon_tr), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 05:23 (twenty-two years ago)

or being told to wait til the roommate eats breakfast and leaves the house before you can get up, bcz they are 'nosy'

― trife (simon_tr), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 05:25 (twenty-two years ago)

actually roommates are only ever good if you know them already and can flaunt the 'im sleeping with your roommate' aspect, or if you run into mutual friends visiting the roommate while half-nakedly going to the bathroom or something at 2am and theres that embarrassed 'oh...hey...'

― trife (simon_tr), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 05:26 (twenty-two years ago)

wow we have gone through an entire day of this stuff!! night at the improv here i come

― trife (simon_tr), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 05:27 (twenty-two years ago)

How 'bout doing a little dance in your tighty whiteys around the sleeping head of the new "roommate" 'cause YOUR ASSHOLE OLD ROOMMATE LEFT HER IN THE ROOM HE SHARES WIITH YOU AND TWO OTHER GUYS? Classic or dud: pissing all over said roommate's stuff after the uninvited girl leaves?

― Bryan (Bryan), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 05:30 (twenty-two years ago)

yeah i guess every 'or how about when you... !!' conversation eventually draws in the guy with the story no one can relate to

― trife (simon_tr), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 05:37 (twenty-two years ago)

i googled quotes from so i married an axe murderer to see if i could find the diner exchange where the girlfriend clearly has no idea how to play the gross-out game but i coudlnt find it, i did find this classic exchange though:

Charlie Mackenzie: I was afraid you were going to kil-- leave me.
Harriet Michaels: You were afraid I was going to cleave you?

― trife (simon_tr), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 05:52 (twenty-two years ago)

I was just telling a sad but true tale. Heh, just remembered a good gross-out one. Can't get much funnier than having your brother come into your room in the morning to pick up and then put on a t-shirt which you had used the night before to clean up the bellywash!

― Bryan (Bryan), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 05:58 (twenty-two years ago)

sorry Simon. I'll go away now.

― Bryan (Bryan), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 06:12 (twenty-two years ago)

do you reckon these quotes will get in the guardian?

― Bob Shaw (Bob Shaw), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 06:44 (twenty-two years ago)

we're not playing the gross-out game!!!

― trife (simon_tr), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 06:47 (twenty-two years ago)

DUMB GF: Okay, what about... ummm... being electrocuted!
*awkward pause*
CHARLIE: And...?
DUMB GF: ...that's it, being electrocuted. My cousin was electrocuted once, it was horrible!
COP GUY WHOSE NAME I FORGET: I'm sure it was.

― Dave M. (rotten03), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 07:02 (twenty-two years ago)

(Wipes mirth ejaculate from face) My work here is done.

― Momus (Momus), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 07:34 (twenty-two years ago)

ive never managed to get it all the way to my face.

― Bob Shaw (Bob Shaw), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 07:36 (twenty-two years ago)

it's all in the delivery.

(x-post, sort of)

― Dave M. (rotten03), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 08:23 (twenty-two years ago)

ive never managed to get it all the way to my face.
Ahh bless!

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 09:20 (twenty-two years ago)

there are exercises that you can do. squeeze your funny area up to 250 times a day, and you'll eventually be able to shoot funny across the room.

― Kingfish (Kingfish), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 11:42 (twenty-two years ago)

funny haha

― The Lady Ms Lurex (lucylurex), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 11:49 (twenty-two years ago)

Bryan, your brother sounds wierder and wierder each time you talk about him.

― Mr Noodles (Mr Noodles), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 12:21 (twenty-two years ago)

Seriously, the worst is when your boyfriend knock an entire bottle of cold water onto your head while he's stretching out after sex, and then laughs at you. But it's ok cos I made him sleep in that, fuck sleeping in a puddle. Not that the other side of the bed was much better for all the other fluids. That's actually not the worst at all, but it's pretty funny anyway, I mean my whole fucking head got wet, wtf? How hard is it to cap a bottle?

― Ally (mlescaut), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 12:33 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't like sleeping in bodily fluids. I lay a towel down on the wet patch.

― P.J.Harvey-Nicks (jimjones), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 12:35 (twenty-two years ago)

You people all have some clinical ass sex.

― Ally (mlescaut), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 12:50 (twenty-two years ago)

Is this different from normal ass sex?

― P.J.Harvey-Nicks (jimjones), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 13:01 (twenty-two years ago)

You people all have some clinical ass sex.

plastic sheeting can do wonders nowadays.

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/dayart/20000328/dome28.jpg

― Kingfish (Kingfish), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 13:03 (twenty-two years ago)

When we do ass sex, I go to the bathroom and give it a good wash afterwards

― P.J.Harvey-Nicks (jimjones), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 13:06 (twenty-two years ago)

Yes, that's a great joke, you're very funny, please explain more!

― Ally (mlescaut), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 13:08 (twenty-two years ago)

nu ilx blah blah blah.

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 13:20 (twenty-two years ago)

What does that mean?

― P.J.Harvey-Nicks (jimjones), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 13:22 (twenty-two years ago)

It means a winner is Sterling.

― Ally (mlescaut), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 13:34 (twenty-two years ago)

what is nu ilx?

― Bob Shaw (Bob Shaw), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 14:08 (twenty-two years ago)

It's something that makes people fight.

― Mark C (Mark C), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 14:10 (twenty-two years ago)

best left alone then

― Bob Shaw (Bob Shaw), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 14:12 (twenty-two years ago)

Noodles: I believe what I said to my brother (about 2 hours after he put the shirt on) was "hey David, that shirt's covered in cum and pussy juice" and he said "heh" and went and changed.

― Bryan (Bryan), Tuesday, 23 September 2003 14:32 (twenty-two years ago)

ally why should you disturb the cat when it plays with an imaginary bit of string?

Look, kids, sex for men isn't a zero sum game. The more you do it, the more you can do it. I'm talking on average, or over the course of a day, not within a few minutes. (Though a few minutes isn't a problem once your average is up.) It's like excercise, or anything else.

― Pete Scholtes, Tuesday, 23 September 2003 14:56 (twenty-two years ago)

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