My mother's incredibly stupid ex-husband

Brittany looked him in the eye and said, "I'd like to see you try it."

Alex ran into the next room, crying "Mom! He really does say those stupid things!"

"You know, you're getting to the age where you're starting to like girls." [Uh-oh. Are we there yet?] "And pretty soon, you're going to start dating. And, well, you gotta be careful. Because you never know what'll happen. I mean, who knows? You might meet a woman, and start going out, and fall in love, and have kids, and get married, and get separated, and get divorced, and end up paying fucking CHILD SUPPORT!!!!!."

The next day, he and Mike, this guy who lived down the hall and regularly beat his wife and stepson, went out to the apartment parking lot to wash the car, this time sans soap. I said, "Can I help you guys?"

"No," said Chris. "That's all right. Washing a car is a man's job!" And he and Mike high-fived.

Keep em coming, this is really cool, in a disturbing sort of fashion.

Chris stormed out of the bedroom, where he spent most of his time surrounded by pot smoke. He had recently gotten the Fuddruckers job, and to celebrate had gone to the grocery store and bought some lunch foods that he kept in a separate compartment of the refrigerator and cupboards. I had then been treated to a guided tour, during which Chris pointed out which foods I was allowed to touch and which I was to leave alone. (He didn't actually buy us food--mom fed me, herself, and my brother Jake, then a baby and now deceased, on food stamps, while he kept his job money to himself.)

Now, with my uncles there, he yelled at my mom: "If they use any of the food I bought for work I'm not buying any diapers for the baby!"

James and Bob took one look at each other and ran into the kitchen as fast as humanly possible, prepared themselves a dozen sandwiches, packed them in plastic bags and said, "Thanks, Lorie!" Chris grumbled "fuck you!" and stormed out of the house.

http://chroniclesofgeorge.nanc.com/

My parents got divorced the summer after my senior year of high school....which means it was close to eight years ago. Dad and Mom separated long before then, of course, and Dad went to live with a woman he'd been counseling who had an apartment in her basement.

Before this had all fallen out, my sister and I had babysat the woman's kids--they knew and trusted us, and we got on well with them. We babysat the kids again at some point after the separation. As the youngest girl led me upstairs to a large double-bed in the attic, I asked "Who sleeps here?" "Mom and Steve," she replied guilelessly.

I kept that secret behind my teeth until well after the divorce was over. I know adultery might not sound like much to you, but my dad was a pastor and I trusted him to know better.

Dad, if you're reading this, you disappointed me so deeply when I heard that.

Matos, best thread ever, btw.

A very stupid comment on his part, one he'd regret that soon enough. Putting aside the welfare of the kid, a baby without a supply of diapers is an absolute menace.

He once nailed our woodpile together.

(I watched a bloke being thrown out of the pub opposite on Sunday, shouting as he hit the tarmac: 'I'm not a hero, I'm a TWAT!' Such self-awareness in one so drunk...)

This one made me choke!

Finally, after three nonstop hours of this, the unthinkable occurred: Chris broke down and agreed. "You're right," he finally acceded, "professional wrestling isn't real." Oh happy day! I opened the bedroom door, went into the living room, and we were a happy family again. Then Chris opened his mouth again.

"Yeah," he said. "You're right. How silly of me. Professional wrestling isn't real. Not like roller derby."

(J.Lu, see next entry)

And now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

"So," my mom said, "what you're saying is that you ran around all of Lake Calhoun, which is at least a mile around, and came back in the space of a commercial? Chris, that's impossible! From your house to Lake Calhoun would have taken ten minutes alone. Commercials are two minutes long, and the fastest man in the world ran a two-minute mile."

His response: "Yeah, well fuck that fucking punk!"

No no no, a Fox sitcom!

I think it should be one in the movie. Last scene, Matos rips off the mask, "WA-HA! I am secretly a monkey!", and then Chris looks straight at the camera and delivers a zinger.

Because MY mother was engaged to the real-life father that that sitcom was about.

korean

I should really get back to work, sorry.

"The Klondike Bars all melted!" I cried when we opened the cooler. "So has all the ice!"

"I fucking told you not to put the cooler in the trunk," my mother scolded.

"That's never fucking happened before!" Chris swore.

Suddenly, Chris beamed. "Man!" he said. "I must be the best fucking driver in the world! Anyone else would have gotten into in accident, but I avoided all those cars [that were headed straight at me because I was stupid enough to make a wrong turn on a fucking one-way residential street], and none of us got hurt." He concluded cockily: "I'm a great fucking driver."

matos, you deserve all the happiness that life can bring.

(I should be working - shout at me if you see me post again)

shared geekiness=glue to male bonding

sports most common, but 'culture' does as well

I love my dad too. He doesn't like sports (other than Duke basketball, ugh), but he loves music as much as me. It's all we can talk about, unless he's drunk (then he suddenly "loves" me and whatnot).

(chortle)

dude needs to try harder:

http://www.rdwarf.com/~mnoel/face25.4.4.02.jpg

He also said that it's been scientifically proven that Salvadorans work harder than Mexicans. So he has enemies.

At least two have opened recently in DC. There was one in Rockville when I was growing up, but I don't know if it's still there.

Chain restaurant based around selling "gourmet" hamburgers or something.

That needed to be shouted.

Find a Fudds

"Hey, do you know who this is?" he'd ask.

"No, who?" I'd say.

"Guess Who."

"I don't know, who?"

"Guess Who."

"I don't know, who?"

"Guess Who."

Ad nauseam, until he'd finally say, "it's the Guess Who, the band." (Note: I should take part of the blame for this, because it actually worked more than once.)

Sample conversation: "Hey, Mick, what you doing tonight?"

"I dunno, Mick. What's Mick doing?"

"I think he and Mick are getting together to watch the game."

"You think Mick and Mick will let us join them, Mick?"

etc.

I don't know if these anecdotes are supposed to be funny or what. I laughed my ass off just in case.

This may have been an appeal to the very large Salvadoran population in the DC area. Moran represents Northern VA, I believe. Though I think most of the Salvadorans live in NW DC.

It is how guys keep swimming in a straight line...by using their fuckrudders.

Matos? Did your siblings recognize Chris' ridiculous nature? At what age did you understand how illogical and ignorant this Chris guy was? And HOW did your mom hook up with him? And if you have children, are they also able to recognize craziness?

And yes, Moran said it to appeal to the Salvadoran population. Before 9-11 Bush was pushing for an amnesty for illegal Mexican immigrants, and Moran, whose district has very few Mexicans but many many Salvadorans, made the comment. To be fair, apparently Mexicans and Salvadorans are extremely similar culturally. And an amnesty for them would be nice.

Of course Moran is an idiot in many other ways...

That's my uncle! Chris, we're going to be cousins!

Let me tell mine... I grew up in Detroit, and we used to take trips all over to see relatives. It was me, my ma and my dad. Well, he hated to stop all the time to let us pee along the way, because he always liked to make good time. So he bought a PORT-A-POTTY for the van we drove. This was a stinky little 2'x 2'x 2' plastic portable toilet, with chemicals in the bottom to break stuff up. After he bought it, anytime that he was in the car and we had to pee, we'd have to use the port-a-potty. Driving 85 miles on the interstate, sitting two feel off the bottom of the floor of the car, trying to pee, with bleachy chemicals licking your bottom, trying not to tip over... was a nightmare. Things were even worse when he was taking me and my little friends to the beach or something. He had no qualms about makeing little girls he didn't really know use it. AND there'd constantly be toilet paper rolling around the floor of the car. So totally embarassing for me!! And it stunk seriously bad. And you were visible to not only everyone in the car, but everyone on the road (because those tinted windows aren't really too hard to see through.) And the thing was known to tip over if the van made a sharp turn - and of course it's your fault, and you get your ass beat.

We'd rented a van to drive from Las Vegas to Laughlin NV where we were having our family reunion. We've been driving about an hour ... when suddenly he says, "Say ..." *he's pointing to the dashboard on which some buttons have bumps on them so you can feel where they are*

"This must be a really new car ... it's even set up with Braille"

His oldest son and I just turn our heads to exchange this astonished, grinning look, and his son says ... "Dad. ... Why would a blind driver need headlights?"

And the Ex said ... "So other drivers can see them coming" ... LOL ... by that time he'd figured it out

I have one about my dad. (actually many, but will share one for now)

In May of 2000 I planned a trip to Alaska to meet my online email-pal. Before embarking on my trip dad asked if I had gotten any traveler's checks. I said "nah, no one really uses those much anymore. I'm just going to take my Visa debit card with me, and a little cash."

dad: "well, what if places in Alaska don't take Visa?"

me: "dad, almost everyplace on earth takes credit cards. If I get to a store or restaurant that doesn't, I'll just go to an ATM and get cash with my debit card."

dad: "oh, that worries me! How will you balance your checking account?"

me: "uhhh, write it down? like always?"

dad: "But what about the exchange rate? How will you calculate that? You aren't very good at math, you know?"

me: ( slack jawed expression ) "um, dad, Alaska is part of the states. As in The United States? You know? JUST LIKE US!"

dad: "Yeah! But they use Canadian money up there!"

BEST. THREAD. EVAH.

(of the top ten)

I.E. SPAIN

Showed up at a gig in the mid-90s where a major label A&R guy was to see us. Everyone else set up. The leaad guitarist said " Hey man, where's your guitar"
My husband (rhythm guitar), with a straight face looked back and said "Oh, shit, I forgot it":

I rest my case.

when i mentioned it to him recently he vehemently denied that he'd EVER been to denny's.

Needless to say, the next day Wa*ne had to go to the emergency room because he passed out. He had minor poisoning. Smart guy, eh.

"You mean the president?" Mom asked.

"No, not that. He wasn't on the business side of it. He was more like the company spokesman--he was pretty famous, actually."

"You mean," Mom said in disbelief, "that your uncle was the Pillsbury Doughboy?!"

"FUCK YOU," Chris replied.

*sniff*

When are we Top Pot Donuting???

Ned, I'm sure we all envy you and your heavy rains and mudslides right about now.

Hurrah! Oh wait.

japanese import reissue bonus track: Can't Turn My Face N2 a <3

most ignorant comment on ILE ever, perhaps.

BUAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

This will be my excuse to project upon every deadbeat shithead ever.

Well, that's that, I'll only be able to think of Chris as Gollum from here on in.

(Mr Matos, will send you an e-mail about something tomorrow when my brain is less relaxed.)

So now... REVIVE!

Defending Vanilla Fudge is a man's job! [high-fives]

It's also kind of weird to read I would like the best threads to be compiled into book form some day. Trucker Cap Guy On Couch With Flatmate would be there, Cheese Fry would be there... and this one obviously... on this thread with a J0hn Darn1elle coming after it. TEH IRONIC FORESHADOWING.

I don't have 26 stories about anyone. My mom dated this fucking loser once who liked to tell the following riddle:

Q: What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a cat?
A: I don't know, but it sure smells like shit!

I hated that guy.

CHRIS (sniffing, swirling, sipping): Ah! Excellent vintage!
MOM: What are you talking about? You wouldn't know good wine from last week's Kool-Aid.

"Oh yes I can," he said. "Twenty bucks says I can."

That night, Chris paid Mom $20.

CHRIS: I was up with the sun today, at four o'clock.
MOM: Chris, that's impossible! The sun doesn't come up until between five and six even in summer.
CHRIS: I fucking know when the sun comes up, because when I woke up today it was up.
MOM: So you were up at 5:30?
CHRIS: Fuck you!

Etc. The argument was settle when she produced a newspaper that had the sunrise time on it. The argument then became personal and all hell broke loose.

This in itself isn't anything like a big deal--we all have stupid work in-jokes. But we don't all bring them home. And we don't all say those phrases in mixed company whenever anything happens--say, a bad hand in a bridge game--at every available opportunity. Chris, however, is not like the rest of us.

Another rule is that when you bid your hand, you and your partner attempt to come to a contract you can reach: Book, which is six tricks out of a possible 13 (there are four players, each dealt 13 cards) plus whatever number you bid, with the suit you bid holding rank, or "trump." It's a frugal game most of the time--it's rare to get an extraordinary hand unless you're playing competitively; usually, the cards go out fairly evenly.

So what was Chris's rallying cry during bridge? "Bid 'em up!"--which is a little like hollering for more distortion at an acoustic folk show.

Was this the only kid born to Chris? (I apologize for forgetting the time line of your siblings and their respective fathers)

Pillsbury Doughboy story was pretty amazing as well.

we were 15-year-old smartasses! I like 'em pretty well now (can't speak for Eric)

I'm sorry, but this is genius.

It reminds me of the Family Guy episode:

"You're drunk!"
"No I'm not, I'm just tired because I've been up all night drinking."

I had an Uncle named Rick. He wrote a song about me when I was born called, "Sweet Eric with a Jewish Middle Name." (It's Benjamin). He was a Lutheran Minister who played Madonna and "We Are the World" on a small-town Minnesota radio station. He tried telling me about the facts of life when I was 10 (I guess he didn't trust my parents or public schools to do it). All I remember was, "Eric, you're gettin' to the age where you're startin' to like girls...most people call them balls, but they're really called testicles...now, your penis..." I must've had enormous will to restrain from laughter! When his FOURTH son was born, his SECOND son WATCHED THE DELIVERY, prompting Rick to tell everyone and their plumber, "now that's BONDING!" One time his 4-year-old son threw my 6-year-old sister against the wall, to which Rick proudly responds, "that's my boy." Rick was obsessed with the role testosterone had in making him a man (I wonder if he was also obsessed with the role Jack Daniels and mouthwash had in making him an alcoholic...yup, this in addition to his 2 careers as Disc Jockey and Lutheran Pastor). The story's pretty damn funny if you try real hard to disregard his steady decline into a drunken, homeless, family-less, penniless haze for the better part of the last decade; culminating in his death last July, 2 weeks after his 50th birthday.

(Try with sardines packed in spring water without the cheese cloth!)

I've actually repeated this story several times to various people.

Don't tell the K-I-D-S there's no Santa Claus.

1. She's been playing the lottery a lot more recently, because she's "been getting really good at it."
2. She supports republicans solely because of their support of getting rid of the capital gains tax (she's a trust funder who's never had a job).
3. When my wife told her that she found Michael Jordan to be a great looking guy, elegant in his athleticism, she equated having sex with a black guy with "f*cking a monkey."

Bonus by association: After a recent cross-country drive, her brother informed me that there's no environmental problem in the US since he "saw plenty of trees out there."

you want some of that Chris action, cod, don't you.

I don't know; you'd have to ask him.

http://www.cl.cam.ac.uk/users/cpt23/

:-D

can someone explain or point me in the direction of:

Trucker Cap Guy On Couch With Flatmate

and

Cheese Fry?

i fear searching will throw up a lot of false leads ;)

what to do when your roommate doesn't realize you're home and thusly is having loud sex in the living room

who is the more unwise - the fool, or those who marry him?

Did your sisters marry him too? That would rock.

BEST THING ON THE INTERNET EVER. o my god. i think i've ruptured something.

and i'm nowhere near finished yet. (a bit like trucker hat guy.)

!!!!!.

I had forgotten. Actually, where have I been?

I have no idea.

Hey, Ned.

x-post: no need!

There was only one problem: he'd left my brother at home.

"Oh, he's asleep in the crib," Chris said. Needless to say, Mom ran home as fast as she could and Chris gave me shit for not having manners as we walked back together.

...

a million little matoses

And this thread has brightened my week considerably!

is actually kind of beautiful.

that's a poignant place to be, in MN terms.

So ... Wayne is Bush, the basement is Iraq, and the asbestos is terrorism?

Yep, Wayne is Bush, the basement is Iraq, and the asbestos is terrorism.

Haha! me too!

This is almost like Zen poetry....

haha absolute best part of the cheese fry story is that my current boss posted on the exact same thread, less than 10 posts above it. this is PROOF that ilx will not be an impediment to gainful employment.

It doesn't actually say that?
*checks*
Damn! :-0

I don't think any other dumb comment can ever live up to this one.

I love this thread. :)

-Brittany Matos

PS Yes, I am his biological daughter ::cringe::

Over a year since last revived. It is time.

yaaaay!

yes! time for a new one!

OMG...that's all I can say.

I always love it when newer folks meet the wisdom of Chris for the first time.

it's an ILX sacrament or rite of passage or something

Seriously, I think you could turn this into one of those mini-books they sell at the Barnes & Noble checkout. You know, "Stupid Things My Mother's Ex-Husband Said," next to the chicken soup books.

Didnt Matos say he'd thought about doing that? Or am I misremembering. I love this thread :) Even non ilxors Ive showed it to do as well.

"Steel Traps Don't Have Minds: Sharpen Your Mental Acuity in Five Minutes A Day"

this thread is sitcom GOLD

Matos, did your mom have abusive/neglectful parents herself?

My mom (lesbian) had a pot-head neglectful/abusive girlfriend for most of my childhood and always wondered why my mom was with her. She competed with us kids the way Chris did and took chances to berate us. She wouldn't answer the phone when we called for rides from town 10 miles away waiting in the cold and wouldn't let us have any of our things in the living room and smoked pot constantly and gave us shit for "wasting water" when we showered every day and constantly told us that if it weren't for us she and my mom would be happy and even though she was potsmoking and unemployed, constantly mentioned that we kids weren't bringing in an income and were draining the house resources (my mom supported all of us).

Then later I found myself dating pothead loser guys that reminded me of her, as if I could make them better and heal the wrong that was my parents' relationship. Sorry, not a funny comment, just to address the recurring question of why she was with him. Why do people stay with assholes? Because they want to fix some damage or something. Because they're young. Lots of reasons.

Anyway, glad you turned out okay. And your sisters/his spawn are okay, too? Man! Sorry to hear about your little brother.

It's 4 am and I had to finish up some work for a Eurodeadline and should be sleeping. I think I'll dream of a character who's part Chris, part Ed from t.v., part Sher (my mom's ex) and part the step-dad from Slingblade.

Gee, Maltos

Seriously, I think you could turn this into one of those mini-books they sell at the Barnes & Noble checkout. You know, "Stupid Things My Mother's Ex-Husband Said"

Hah - this is so OTM! I think Matos is sitting on a goldmine here.

Maltos Liquor

O-U-T-S-I-D-E

Maltos: the lolmaker

where Richfield ended and Bloomington began

that's a poignant place to be, in MN terms.

way otm

"Big trubs! Purry Dubs!"

Actually the Friday the 13th/Halloween story is probably the late victor in this thread. So far.

Addendum to the various stupid nicknames detailed above: my grandfather, Pito, was known in the Chris-lexicon as "Pito the Mosquito." I don't get it, either.

It rhymes, which is usually enough for a nickname.

More stories, please! This thread pretty much makes my day every time it's revived, and I could really use it this week.

yea! this thread's pretty special, cause it was the first thread i read on ile, after discovering and posting on ilm first.

"I can't make my face turn into a heart."

So classic.

i can only imagine matt dillon saying that, shortly before punching someone.

(ps dear this thread I LOVE YOU)

O-U-T-S-I-D-E

yaay!

Oh, how I love this thread!

Poor Matos...poor, poor Matos...

I was trying to figure out where I got "You lie like a kite!" from.

Hahaha -- ILX, contributor to/warper of vocabularies.

I was trying to figure out where I got "You lie like a kite!" from.

-- HI DERE, Tuesday, June 3, 2008 3:45 PM (32 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

i said this to my sister the other day and she was like, "what?" and i had to pretend she'd misheard me :-/

So THIS is the origin of that old "turn my face into a heart" meme. No one was ever able to tell me that.

Hahah, one mystery less.

It's like I've found some kind of ILX wormhole.

If, when I die, St. Peter questions me about all the time I wasted on ILX, I'll at least be able to point this thread, and I'll still be laughing as I roast in hell.

st peter hangs out in heaven

at the gate, silly

WOW... Jesus Chris T, this is unbelievable! I will now go to sleep dreaming about heart turning faces

2. One day, Chris was feeling amorous. My sisters were then around three and four (he's their father) and I wasn't home, so he said to my mother, "Hey Lorie--let's send the kids O-U-T-S-I-D-E so we can fuck."
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, May 6, 2003 5:23 AM (5 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

I forget if I posted this before, but a while back I read a Bernard Manning joke that was very similar to this story

2. One day, Chris was feeling amorous. My sisters were then around three and four (he's their father) and I wasn't home, so he said to my mother, "Hey Lorie--let's send the kids O-U-T-S-I-D-E so we can fuck."
― M Matos (M Matos), Tuesday, May 6, 2003 5:23 AM (5 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

I forget if I posted this before, but a while back I read a Bernard Manning joke that was very similar to this story

― The Slash My Father Wrote (DJ Mencap), Sunday, September 21, 2008 11:13 PM (Yesterday) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

It's a really old hacky Polish joke.

39. My mother is six months pregnant and standing on a chair painting above the kitchen cupboards. Chris is sitting on his ass drinking a beer. She finishes and steps down. Chris: "You missed a spot."

;_;

christ, I love this thread, glad to see it pop up again.

kind of reminds me of the stories of davesecretary, which I don't think I've seen around here... I'll post a few, they're all caps because they need to be.

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 12:12:00 pm

SO IT'S CHRISTMAS AND MY FAMILY IS PLAYING 'SCATTERGORIES' AND EVERYONE IS DRUNK, ESPECIALLY MY STEP-UNCLE RICK. HE'S JUST RAVING DRUNK. IT'S CRAZY. SOMEONE ROLLS THE LETTER 'F' AND WE ALL SPEND 2 MINUTES TRYING TO FILL OUT THE BLANKS. THE TIMER DINGS AND WE GO AROUND TELLING EACH OTHER OUR ANSWERS.

THE FIRST CATEGORY IS 'VEGETABLE'. WE ALL GO AROUND AND WE GET TO DRUNK STEP-UNCLE RICK WHO LOOKS AT US ALL SMUGLY, DIGS UP THIS WIDE GRIN, AND THEN SAYS "FUCKING CARROTS!! BAHABDIUAGHF(*PA#HIOH BHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" AND LAUGHS LIKE A GODDAMNED DEMON KING FOR NEARLY A FULL MINUTE. ONCE HE'S SETTLED DOWN WE MOVE ON. THE NEXT CATEGORY IS 'THINGS YOU FIND ON THE BEACH' OR SOMETHING, AND WHEN WE GET TO RICK AGAIN WE ARE GIVEN THIS CONSPIRATORIAL WINK AND NOD, AND THEN HE SCREAMS OUT "FUCKING TOWELS, MAN!!! BBAHAHAHAHHAHA UAHDIUAHIUHAIUH AHAHAHAHAHA" AND AGAIN WE ARE UNNERVED BY HIS CRAZED LUNATIC LAUGHTER.

THIS GOES ON FOR SEVERAL ROUNDS! IT GETS TIRED REALLY QUICKLY! FINALLY, AROUND ROUND 7 OR 8 WE GET TO THE CATEGORY 'OCCUPATION'. WE GO AROUND AND GIVE EACH OTHER LOOKS OF DREAD AS DRUNK RICK'S TURN APPROACHES. FINALLY IT'S HIS TURN. WE BRACE OURSELVES FOR THE INEVITABLE 'FUCKING DOCTOR, MAN!!' OR 'FUCKING BUS DRIVER SHIT YEAH!!'. THE TENSION IS TERRIFIC. DRUNK STEP-UNCLE RICK CLEARS HIS THROAT, SHOOTS US A MANIACLE LOOK, AND THEN SAYS QUIETLY AND CALMY 'forensic scientist' AND THEN GIVES A CALM NOD TO THE PERSON ON HIS LEFT.

HE THEN GETS UP, WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN, AND FALLS DOWN ALL THE STAIRS INTO THE BASEMENT AND PASSES OUT.

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 11:54:06 am
EVERY GODDAMNED CHRISTMAS MY DAD AND MY UNCLE RON GET INTO IMPORTANT ARGUMENTS ABOUT POLITICS AND THE BEST AIRPORTS IN ZURICH AND WHICH PRESIDENTS ARE ASSHOLES IN PERSON AND THAT SORT OF THING. MY OTHER UNCLE D. IS KIND OF THE BLACK SHEEP IN THE FAMILY AND WE DON'T PAY MUCH ATTENTION TO HIM.

ANYWAY THIS ONE CHRISTMAS MY DAD & RON ARE REALLY GOING AT IT, SOMETHING ABOUT AFRICA, WHEN UNCLE D. WALKS INTO THE MIDDLE OF THINGS GINGERLY CARRYING THIS TAPE LIKE IT WAS A DYING CHILD AND LOOKS COYLY AT MY DAD AND RON AND SAYS "SO, I BET YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT SONG IS THIS!!"

AND MY DAD AND RON COULDN'T CARE LESS AND SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT HOW THERE'S NO TIME BUT UNCLE D. IS ALREADY BREAKING THE TAPE DECK AND JAMMING IN HIS PRECIOUS TAPE. HE FLASHES US A SLY LOOK AND SAYS "I BET NOBODY HERE WILL GET THIS" AND PRESSES PLAY

IT'S FUCKING 'HEY JUDE'. 19 PEOPLE IN THE LIVING ROOM ALL SAY 'IT'S HEY JUDE' AT THE SAME TIME AND LOOK AGGRAVATED.

UNCLE D. LOOKS AT US ALL IMPISHLY AND SAYS 'NO'.

amazing thread

maybe it was actually

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MX2DZWtHd2o&feature=player_embedded

"hey jude" is terrible even with the happy hardcore treatment.

It was "Don't look back in Anger" right?

I say "you lie like a kite" all the time

I realize that Chris' statement is couched in a long string of terrible behavior, but I have probably said something as dumb as "I can't turn my face into a heart " when arguing with my wife, if I was really tired or something.

in another context it could be kinda sweetly sad!

In the context I'm imagining that it would indeed sound stupid. I get terribly incoherent when I'm tired.

But yeah, it could be sweetly sad if it wasn't from Matos' mothers' ex-husband.

I'm sure Matt Groenig's got this thread bookmarked for inspiration.

"Ralph Wiggum: All Growed Up"

"Chris", coming soon to the Food network.

He can't change his face into a hearat.

There's a new kid in town: dumbest mohawk dude being a jerk at the coffee shop can he get any worse?

I just read this thread for the first time. Chris is my new god.

i had a burger at fuddrucker's today and couldn't stop thinking about this thread.

I've never seen this thread before but it's tremendous

It is exceptionally essential.

Revive in honor of Father's Day!

hahaha

much love, Matos.

Just restoring this thread to its proper place on the New Answers list.

My father. I'm sort of glad I've never met him as I've heard stories over the past decade or so.

Revive, because this thread never deserves to be buried for over two years.

ty, this was special

all-time

For any new ILXors, in he absence of any "up-to-speed" thread compilatons...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJQESFx8V0Y

Just doin' my civic duty.

----I say "you lie like a kite" all the time

So do I! No-one ever has any idea what it means, it defuses arguments occasionally

best thread

You know, it never occured to me that this one is a bit odd:
2. One day, Chris was feeling amorous. My sisters were then around three and four (he's their father) and I wasn't home, so he said to my mother, "Hey Lorie--let's send the kids O-U-T-S-I-D-E so we can fuck."

If he wasnt there, who's telling this story, his sisters I guess? Or Chris relate this tale later? (which I wouldnt put past him, heh)

His mom? She told Matos a lot of these on the phone.

Oh yes of course.

This thread, on that note, had its tenth anniversary this past May. Scary!

all-time

"Big trubs! Purry Dubs!"

still classic

"Big trubs! Purry Dubs!" still goes through my head on a regular basis.

"You know, you're wasting electricity by turning the lights on and off when you leave the room, because it takes more power to do that than if you just left the light on all the time."

I remember a teacher in my elementary school saying the same thing back in the 80s. Was this a widespread myth at some point?

The idea probably comes from fluorescent lights, which do need a brief power spike to excite the plasma. The integral of this power spike is probably negligible. Turning on and off frequently could more quickly bring about a failure mode, though.

yeah i think this was only ever true of the type of lights they had in institutional buildings... classrooms, hospitals, etc.

my gf does tell me not to turn the TV off if I'm going to turn it on again w/in 30 minutes but i'm prett skeptical.

anyway i had forgotten this thread. good times. where is matos now?

I remember a teacher in my elementary school saying the same thing back in the 80s. Was this a widespread myth at some point?

i think so. i definetely used to think this. it's called lazy justifications for laziness syndrome, probably (http://rebelzen.com/2008/09/10-reasons-why-being-a-lazy-dude-is-actually-a-good-thing/ NUMBER 1, in a way)